I am not sure what to write. I am kind of stuck in a hole right now and even though I know there is no magical cure I am hoping someone might have some insight that I have not heard or thought of. I have taken meds and also met with many therapist but I end up getting surface type suggestions like exercise or think good thoughts.

I am in my early 30s well traveled good career own my own home blah blah blah.
The issue is I am a self-loather.
I have never liked myself. As long as I can remember I was a little girl with a very dysfunctional personality. I made up lies to impress people when I was younger; I was loud to get people’s attention. I hurt people to make other laugh to get acceptance.
I was not a good person.
Now the older I get the more I none of these things helped me and people still do not accept me.
I never felt like I fit.
I love God and pray for his forgiveness and for his strength but I seem to still have these feelings.
I was raised in a very dysfunctional situation. Both parents were on drugs and mom always put men above me. I started having sex at a very early age thinking that would get me loved. Nothing ever filled this void. I looked in every wrong place imaginable.

I was able to somewhat break the cycle of my parents and now have both parents back in my life but I cannot let some of the resentment go. I know this is something that will happen in time.
I know I am blessed and other children have gone through so much worse but I do see the affect my past had on me current self.

My issues:
I get so blindly nervous talking to men if I can even talk to them. Booze helped but now that I don’t drink much I have no armor to protect me
I think all men want to do it have sex with me and use me and I get freaked out my men being nice to me
If I do have a small connection with a man I dive headfirst and visualize getting married and if the situation doesn’t work out I go into a deep self-hatred mode.
People like to hang out with me when they “need” a fun sidekick but I don’t have a lot of people seeking me out as for constant companionship.
I have a social life but I am such a loner because I feel like people really just don’t like me.
I talk about my self-hated so much it has become a part of me
I want people to like me that I am way to needy, I feel like the small puppy wanting to be picked up that is so annoying. I know people feel this.
I am way too hyper and talk way too much
My mind spins I think about things (mainly men) that upset me and can’t stop the thoughts. Very compulsive. Like it I stop a bad thing will happen.
I am mean to people if I think they are stupid.
I am getting better but seem to play the victim in situations
If I think someone looks down on me or questions my input I get very defensive

I want to be a good nice happy person. I see people that seem so well adjusted. I want to enjoy life. Not be in despair and just be kind to people and not hate myself.
I feel like I am missing out on a real life
Is it possible?

Your therapist needs to challenge you and help you set goals, not have a Tupperware party with you! Sheesh!

Print out your post here and take it with you to your next session. Calmly and respectfully shove it under your therapist's nose. (Btw, these are YOUR sessions paid for by YOU.)

Read The Glass Castle, a memoir of growing up in a dysfunctional family by Jeannette Walls. It's definitely a keeper!

Are you taking meds now? If so, what?

I'm here for you -- and guess what! I'm a bona fide counselor! What is the first thing you want to tackle?

First, slow down a little... try to separate each problem you feel is contributing to your overall condition... then take each one on in order of your importance... its a job I know but its only a first step.. maybe then you can rest these annoying thoughts from each problem and look to future a little easier... if you want to talk more let me know.I do understand how complicated it all is.. and like I said.. just one step at a time will help

HI Wondergirl... I am not on meds now but have tried Welbutrin, cymbulta, blah blah bah. All made me a zone out but I felt weird inside. Dry mouth and constipation. Sorry to be so graphic but that as the case.
It did help me not to spin with my compulsive thoughts though.
I got some Valium to help when I fly and that helps a little when I am in anxious situations but I don't like taking that stuff.
I wish I could just fix my soul.
I stopped going to therapy because nothing changes and I feel like I just talk for an hour. I have tried 5 now on no one coaches me or is firm.
I am now reading a cognitive therapy book by David Byrns and it has some good techniques. I get so distracted and don't always follow through on a plan of action unless I am hand held. This sounds bad but I get so into something then a week later I am on to something else. Concentration is not my friend. LOL
I have read Glass Castle. I love that book. They were much worse off then we so it gave me hope.
It is crazy. Today I am good and wish I could have a map done of my internal chemistry because I am not in despair or feel like I am climbing a mt. Tomorrow thought can be different. I never know who I will wake up. I am praying though the change is taking place. I am willing it inside me.
I am going to really force myself to start a club or a hobby.
Thanks so much Fustus20 for your input. Breaking it down and tackling one issue might help and not seem so overwhelming.
Thanks both for your caring.