Is it reasonable to want to take a couple days away from your husband? We have been married 23 years, and have spent most of that time with each other. The only times we have had apart is years ago when he went to Alaska to visit his brother, and when he was in he National Guard when he did his training once a month, and then yearly 2 week training.
We have been having marital, difficulty's, and I just feel the need to have some time to myself. To give myself breathing room.

I am only 12 years in and I know I like some space at times.

The only problem is if that space is going to create more problems.

If space is what is causing the problems,that I say go for it but if communication is needed to help the issue than what are you achieving by a break?

A little space can help you grow closer, provided you do not let unresolved issues fester in it. Resolve your problems before taking a break, and the reunion will be much sweeter. If you need a little clear area to formulate your issues, I've always found a parking lot is a good place to sit and think for 10-15 minutes right after you get done shopping, providing you go alone.

A lot depends on why you feel the need to "get away" and if your husband understands why.

Reading your other question brings up "green prickly husband" and trust issues. If you do go away, is it at a time when your husband might think you were doing more than getting some "me" time?

Would "getting away" cause more problems than it helps?

Just curious as to your marital difficulties.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/husband-feeling-like-third-wheel-345795.html??


Everybody needs some space every now and then. If we didn't have two bathrooms, and two remotes, I can't imagine keeping my sanity.

Guys have a man cave, and are always going fishing, or golfing. I think females have the same needs too.

I think that it is utterly reasonable to want to have space regardless of how long you've been married.

If you're having marriage problems then time away can help you get calm and think through things with a degree of clarity.

The thing that I would suggest is that you talk with him about how you're feeling, and explain why you want the time away from him.

I've been married for over 10 years now. My wife is a flight attendant, and works every weekend. She usually flies to Europe, the Soviet Union, or the Middle East. I keep our two young sons while she's away. It strengthens my marriage, as well as my bond with my boys by her being gone. I know that may seem bad to say, but we truly feel that the time apart helps our relationship.

So you go have time to yourself.

You're past due. I wish you luck.

I recommend one evening or two evenings a month for each person to be out with friends, or doing something they want to do.

But a day or a day and night every now and then are often good if done properly

First, I want to thank all of you who have answered my post.
If you read my previous post "Husband feels like a third Wheel" allot of this has to do with my husband feeling jealous and insecure. And it revolves around a good friend of mine.
Rob and I met when our store was being re modeled. He was one of the tile setters. We just clicked as friends and have been good buds ever since. He is not interested in having sex with me, and same with me. Im am not his type.
It had gotten to the point were hubby has out and out accused me of sleeping with Rob.
Now he has started to check up on me. If Im a little late getting home, or even when I have left him a note, he is positive that I have gone down to see Rob. This has resulted in yelling matches with my husband. My husband has also accused me of putting Rob before him.
I have NEVER, EVER, done that.
My husband wants me to call Rob only once a month, and then for only an hour, and see him even less. I see Rob maybe once a month if that, and speak to him once or twice a week on the phone.
I know there are those of you who will say, you need to get another friend, or you need to stop being friends with Rob for the sake of your marriage.
Since when does my husband dictate to me who I can and cannot be friends with?
Yes, I have tried to communicate to my husband how I feel, but its ALL about him, and how HE feels. He isn't taking how I feel into consideration at all.
This last time he checked up on me was the breaking point.

Ya know... Cultivating a friendship with "Rob" outside the marriage... Play innocent all you would like about the intentions or the "no sex"... reverse the scenario and then let's talk...

A married woman cultivating a relationship with another man is inappropriate at best, He is not dictating to you at all... your Gut is.

"I need space"= "I want out"

At least that is my "opinion"

Be honest with yourself, your Husband, Us... you'll feel better about yourself.

I know it is 23 years... but if it is over it is over, be honest about it.

And that last statement... You are cultivating a relationship with another man and your Husband "just doesn't understand your feelings"... Wow

If you want to keep your marriage, I suggest counseling. Maybe he will listen there.

I don't think you would still have a marriage if you "went away" as things stand right now, it probably would just confirm to him that you want to be with the other man.

However, I wonder if you really want to stay married to a "green prickly husband" who dictates who your friends are. By the way, does he know about that nickname?

In the way I see it, your doomed for an affair if it hasn't started already. You need to get away? Does this other man know your "getting away" Starting a friendship with another man is never good. Just as starting a friendship with another woman, if you're a husband, is never good. There is nothing good about it. If you need space then take it with your girlfriends or alone. Be sure you taking your space for you, not to be with someone else.

You're having an emotional affair with Rob. It's no wonder your husband is feeling insecure. I know it feels exciting to be with Rob, but it isn't right. You're committed to your husband, not Rob. My personal opinion is that you should be holding back from Rob and giving to your husband instead... maybe your hubby is "green" & "prickly" because you've already given to Rob what you should be giving to your spouse. Work on what you already have with your husband... the natural hormones that are there when you first fall in love may no longer be there with your husband, but you can still love him. What was the last loving thing you have done for him?

I do agree with bab1957, that our partners should not be able to control our movements or dictate our friendships. In principle.

The situation she describes is in fact not about Rob. It is about trust and connection. For whatever reason the husband feels insecure and jealous of the friendship because it clearly provides her with something that he can't give. This happens in relationships, we can't expect our partner to fill all our needs - that's why we have friends. No one would be upset if 'Rob' was 'Roberta', if you get what I mean. Rob is really a symbol for the disconnection between the partners.

The fact that Rob is a man changes the dynamic entirely and introduces the element of distrust. He is seen as a potential threat to the relationship, regardless of how innocent or innocuous the friendship may seem to be. Yes, bab1957, is entitled to have whatever friendships she pleases in principle, but are they allowed to threaten the relationship and disrupt the trust in her marriage?

I do think, bab1957, that you need to put some energy back into your marriage. By all means have a short break but don't make it a way of punishing your husband for his behavior. If your marriage is important to you then perhaps Rob has to stay in the sidelines for a while.

I would suggest that you drag your husband, kicking and screaming, to a counselor. All marriages can benefit at one stage or another from an external perspective, and I think that yours has reached that stage now. A counselor will allow both your views to be heard and hopefully you can reach an agreeable compromise on this issue and reestablish trust.

Why hasn't the question been raised about her husband meeting this other guy? If he is so wonderful to hang out with why not introduce them so there is no question where each stands? Why not let him hang out at functions as a female friend would? Why does it all seem so secret?

Why hasnt the question been raised about her husband meeting this other guy? If he is so wonderful to hang out with why not introduce them so there is no question where each stands? Why not let him hang out at functions as a female friend would? Why does it all seem so secret?

You would have to read her other question about her husband feeling like a third wheel.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/husband-feeling-like-third-wheel-345795.html

They know each other. They have been at the same parties, etc.

You would have to read her other question about her husband feeling like a third wheel.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/husband-feeling-like-third-wheel-345795.html

They know each other. They have been at the same parties, etc.

But does the "situation" make him feel like the third wheel. That's my thought. I do remember her thread I did read it. But maybe some simple changes could be made like letting them engage in conversation. Let them set the tone and conversation so there is no out cast feeling.

I guess that's why to me its seems as though its heading towards or already an affair.

Let me say this. I love my husband more than anything, and when it comes to divorce, I hadn't planned on getting one now or in the future. Im not throwing 23 years of marriage out the window.
Another thing, were I wanted to go was to my cousins condo on the peninsula. By myself. Tho my mother said she would come with me if I wanted.
I haven't held anything back from my husband, emotionally or sexually. And I have done plenty of loving things for him lately and over the years.
Its interesting how people are so willing to assume the worst about my friendship.
My friend has been through allot. First an ugly divorce, and then when he did find someone who he hoped to spend the rest of his life with, she called off the engagement. He was devastated. He was so in love with her.
That's why Rob would never hurt my husband by having an affair. He has been through it twice. My wish for Rob is that one day he finds someone who will make him truly happy.(sorry folks, that's not me).

Let me say this. I love my husband more than anything, and when it comes to divorce, I hadn't planned on getting one now or in the future. Im not throwing 23 years of marriage out the window.
Another thing, were I wanted to go was to my cousins condo on the peninsula. by myself. Tho my mother said she would come with me if I wanted.
I haven't held anything back from my husband, emotionally or sexually. and I have done plenty of loving things for him lately and over the years.
Its interesting how people are so willing to assume the worst about my friendship.
My friend has been through allot. First an ugly divorce, and then when he did find someone who he hoped to spend the rest of his life with, she called off the engagement. He was devastated. He was so in love with her.
Thats why Rob would never hurt my husband by having an affair. He has been through it twice. My wish for Rob is that one day he finds someone who will make him truly happy.(sorry folks, thats not me).


I am truly happy to hear this. But the bits and pieces you gave us and the two different threads, well it just sounded like that's where you were headed. I think if you step back and read this from anothers view you might see that.

Taking a little space is a wonderful idea. But it won't solve anything. It just will prolong it. Had you said where you were going and alone I personally would not have assumed an affair.

Maybe while your gone your husband and him can get to know each other. How about a golf game. Then there is no third wheel feeling. Or does your husband know any single women looking for a good man? Why not bring them together this way.

This really isn't your issue to solve, and change, but that of your husband.

This really isn't your issue to solve, and change, but that of your husband.

I think as a whole they need to work on this. Of course her husband does and I agree with that. But I think she should stop and think about how it looks from the outside. That's all. Having friendships off the opposite gender can be a tough one sometimes.

I again, need to ask, how is this the Husbands issue to deal with?

A better question would be, Why is this issue "Rob" is having any business of bab1957's?

Wow, talk about blaming the victim for being a victim.

No matter what, the OP has brought a third party into the matrimonial mix. Somehow this third party is so important that the OP would label and vilify her very own Husband over her own poor behavior.

And somehow the Husband needs to deal with it?

I again, need to ask, how is this the Husbands issue to deal with??

A better question would be, Why is this issue "Rob" is having any business of bab1957's?

Wow, talk about blaming the victim for being a victim.

No matter what, the OP has brought a third party into the matrimonial mix. Somehow this third party is so important that the OP would label and vilify her very own Husband over her own poor behavior.

And somehow the Husband needs to deal with it?

I don't see anyone as a victim. I see it as something blown out of proportion and now it has to be put back in to place but with the right pieces.

jham123; I again, need to ask, how is this the Husbands issue to deal with?

Because he is the one with the issue.


A better question would be, Why is this issue "Rob" is having any business of bab1957's?

Rob has nothing to do with this, as be it a male or female his reactions would be the same.


Wow, talk about blaming the victim for being a victim.

Her husband is hardly a victim, his fear and insecurities need some adjustments.


No matter what, the OP has brought a third party into the matrimonial mix. Somehow this third party is so important that the OP would label and vilify her very own Husband over her own poor behavior.
And somehow the Husband needs to deal with it?

Again, it's the husband who feel threatened for no reason, as I see it. Friends are friends, the problem is basically is he controls her friends for no apparent reasons, and accuses instead of getting facts, and working on his own issues.

When one partner isolates, and controls another, that's a form of abuse, and breeds resentments. When fear, and insecurity, lead to any form of manipulation, through impulsive thoughts, or actions, that's another form of abuse, and the first thing that happens is a breakdown of honest, healthy expression, and losing the communications necessary, to have trust. Its down hill after that.

The worst thing is when you feed that insecurity, and fear, by giving in to it, it gets worse over time, not better.

Just me, introducing new friends into the marriage is both healthy, and meaningful, as my female friends, are family friends, and so it is with her male friends. Some were married, some are not. The key is how you deal with them, as friends, or as rivals, or threats. I think her husband is threatened, and needs to do whatever it takes to overcome his fears, and insecurities, to make healthier decisions, and better actions for himself, so he doesn't have to be a victim, or think he is.

Thats why Rob would never hurt my husband by having an affair. He has been through it twice.

If Rob's intention is not to hurt your husband, then he should understand that your relationship with him IS causing your husband pain. An emotional affair can be as, if not more, hurtful than a physical affair. I agree that the husband is the victim here. Your attention should be focused on your husband & marriage.

Not so say that you shouldn't have friends outside of the marriage, but one so close with a member of the opposite sex will always be suspect. You are giving Rob a shoulder to lean on, and to your husband, he sees you as giving yourself to Rob. I still think that your husband and relaitonship with him is more important than your relationship to Rob and helping him deal with his issues. If he were really a stand-up guy, Rob wouldn't be latching onto a married woman for his problems...

^^You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to 1800proof again.

Well stated.

The Marriage and the parties involved within are the ONLY thing that counts... the random chance meeting of a Tile layer... well that speaks for itself...

Now he has started to check up on me. If I'm a little late getting home, or even when I have left him a note, he is positive that I have gone down to see Rob. This has resulted in yelling matches with my husband. My husband has also accused me of putting Rob before him.
I have NEVER, EVER, done that.
My husband wants me to call Rob only once a month, and then for only an hour, and see him even less. I see Rob maybe once a month if that, and speak to him once or twice a week on the phone.


This was, and is, what leads me to believe that your husband needs an attitude adjustment. He is the one losing his trust for you, and building things in his head that affect his judgment. He doesn't trust this Rob guy, and its diminishing his trust for you.

There is no emotional cheating among friends, who live within the boundaries of good behavior, but as long as that's what he sees, that's what must be dealt with.

I'm sure your friend will understand if you backed away for a while, and worked with your husband, to restore trust, or at least resolve his issues.

Him acting as a victim, is really unacceptable, and unhealthy for the relationship.

The key is honest communications, and even though you have tried to acquiesce to his wishes, he is still not satisfied.

Without help, though, he may never get it to your satisfaction. But don't give up.

I see no reason why you can't go "fishing" or whatever females call their breaks, and think of how to best help your husband avoid his insanity, in an honorable way.

I'm sure your friend will understand if you backed away for a while, and worked with your husband, to restore trust, or at least resolve his issues.

I absolutely agree that backing off for a while is the reasonable solution.

Surely if Rob is such a good friend then he will be happy to offer this support to the OP, since she has supported him so much in the past.

If Rob does not want to hurt the OP's husband (or the OP) then he has to take a back seat for awhile.

Let me say this. I love my husband more than anything, and when it comes to divorce, I hadn't planned on getting one now or in the future. Im not throwing 23 years of marriage out the window.
Another thing, were I wanted to go was to my cousins condo on the peninsula. by myself. Tho my mother said she would come with me if I wanted.
I haven't held anything back from my husband, emotionally or sexually. and I have done plenty of loving things for him lately and over the years.
Its interesting how people are so willing to assume the worst about my friendship.
My friend has been through allot. First an ugly divorce, and then when he did find someone who he hoped to spend the rest of his life with, she called off the engagement. He was devastated. He was so in love with her.
Thats why Rob would never hurt my husband by having an affair. He has been through it twice. My wish for Rob is that one day he finds someone who will make him truly happy.(sorry folks, thats not me).

Are you sure?

What if you were available? Would you then go to Rob?

That's the question. If the answer is yes, then you need to re-think this "friendship" for the sake of your marriage.

I know what I'm talking about, trust me. I'm not judging, I'm seeing me in this story.

No I would not pursue a relationship with Rob.
I guess that means I won't have a social life then. Rob and I have friends in common, and we get together once a month for a potluck, and to party. I look forward to seeing my friends, and having fun. I have asked my husband to come with me, but he refuses, so what am I supposed to do then? I can't ask my friends to not invite Rob.
So for the sake of my marriage, Im supposed to give up seeing my other friends because Rob will be there? Or he is supposed to no come because I will be there because you think he should "back off" for awhile?

You can have a social life. Just don't be too distracted, or to angry to address the problems with your husband. That's what good partners do when problems develop between them, no matter what they are.

Bab, you should be able to have friends. That isn't in question.

The question is why didn't you pursue the other thread as diligently as you have this one? You didn't respond to any of the advice given there or answer Talaniman's questions about "trying to include him or leaving him to his own devices" or whether that was/is the extent of your social life.

Your husband needs to work on his insecurities. That is a given. You both need to work on the marriage. Communication and trust seem sadly lacking at this time.

I think you need to examine why "need my space" seems more important than "husband feels like a third wheel". I think it points to some larger underlying problems than a friendship.

By the sounds of it you do need a bit of breathing space and time on your own to think and reflect on your relationship. By the sounds of it there are trust issues wich need to be sorted thers no point in having a relationship with no trust because this is just going to drag you down and make your life a misery!
Time onyour own could make you think whether this relationship is worth fighting for.. or its time to move on and be on your own for a while.

Your husbands a man
Robs a Single man
Your husband knows what Rob is capable of doing and thinking even if you have no interest.
It happens ALL the time

I am not responsible for my husbands lack of socializing at a party, with people he knows. He is a big boy and should be able to do that himself, and yes I have stayed with him and not left him to his own devices. If he wants to have his butt glued to the sofa and not interact with other people, too bad. He can stay at home.
We have done fun things together other than party with friends. So its that's not the extent of our social life.
We did go to see father down at the rectory for marital counseling, but I don't think it did any good. I would rather see a professional ( no disrespect to the father) because I do think it would help our marriage, and your right, without some kind of help, things won't get better.