I met my partner 3 years ago, thought he was Mr Perfect, I then found out 4 months into the relationship that he had another woman on the go... I found out and it all came out and kicked off, all 3 of our lives turned into what felt like a living hell, so much argueing and it affected all our working lives, jobs were lost etc. He couldn't decide what he wanted and spent another year on and off going between us... I suspected but didn't know for sure at the time and couldn't catch him to prove anything! We eventually split after about 2 years of this and he went with the other woman, approx 6 months later he begged me to get back together with him, proposed and declared I was the one... I believed him and accepted his proposal, I then found out a few months later that he had got the other woman pregnant and now had a child with her, at that point we were then married and trying to make it work... I have never trusted him, he has always given me reason to doubt what he says... things then became worse, he had no contact with the ex or child, I think, I will never be sure its just what he says! I suspected even now he does, more so with the ex than the child! It then came out that he had a gambling problem, he never had it before, it came to light when he stole money from me, sold all my stuff, I tried to help him and get him some help and I thought it worked... he siad it had! I told him if he gambled again then it would be the last straw and relationship over, I then came home and he had doen it all again, everything was gone and I caught him gambling... he wasn't even sorry. I have kicked him out... its all over... im hurting and don't want to be, I'm having doubts as I do love him, I know I can do better and don't deserve this so why does it hurt? Also while all this was going on I suspected he was seeing his ex... could never prove it again but it's that gut instinct you get. HELP.

Its normal to feel this pain when a relationship is over even if it was a nightmare.Reading your post I'm amazed you put up with him for so long as he has treated you with no respect whatsoever.He cheats he fathers a child with another woman and then gives no support to his child-he steals your money he lies -the list goes on forever.You did the right thing-stay strong,divorce the lowlife and claim your life back.Yes it hurts and it will hurt for some time to come but stay strong and you will get over this.

Sounds like a lot of problems. I think that you should be glad that you found out many of his issues. Now the question is, can you deal with these issues?

1) You can try to work it out. But it's going to take A LOT of work. Furthermore, he's broken your trust so many times that how will you know that you can trust him again? This isn't just a case of once a cheater, always a cheater. It's already proven to be a repeat cheater. There are WAY TOO MANY obstacles to overcome. It could take a really long time to fix. You'll need A LOT of patience and hard work from both ends. Furthermore, who knows if he's actually willing to put the effort. The number of insecurity issues cannot even be counted in your case.

2) You can finally realize that he's not the man you thought you married. He's cause you so much grief and misery that it's time for you to move on with your life. You deserve to have a happy life. Not a life full of mistrust and deceit. It's time to move on to bigger and better things in life. No more beating a dead horse.

I vote for number 2).

I am finding it hard to move on even though its early days. I don't think for a minute that I'm easy to live with but I'm sure I don't deserve to be treated like that... alot of what I have put is only the beginning!!

Moving on is hard and it takes time and it seems you ve been through hell with this man.Trust that you ve made the right decision-talk to your family and friends-seek counselling perhaps-be good to you.It DOES get better believe that.

I am the most indecisive person on the earth so I never think I have done the right thing, I second guess myself all the time... I have been blamed for the whole relationship for years now so I don't know what to think...

I can only assume that your husband is a manipulator who has managed to make you feel you are to blame.Did you leave him and have a child by another man?No-he had a child by another woman.Who s addicted to gambling?He is.He stolen your money and he s lied and cheated.Respect yourself for having dumped him.

Its something I have tried to do so many times and each time he has talked his way back and I have let him because it hurt and I wanted to believe it could be better and it would change... it never did, it did for a day or so if I was lucky then back to 'normal' god I hope that's not normal... I know it wasn't normal which is why I finally have got out... a friend has said why don't you help him get help for the gambling... I did!! He went away for a week to get help... I don't know where... wouldnt give me the address!! Yes alarm bells rang but he sounded convincing to me, I warned him if he ever did it again that would be it... I meant it and its over... just got to be strong... somehow

You ll find the strength.Go NC on him-dont take his calls don't see him-no communication whatsoever.

I think as time passes and the hurt of the physical loss, just having someone there, subsides your thoughts will focus on his treatment of you. You'll begin to see the light and it'll go much easier than expected because lets be honest he didn't treat you well, he was a cheat'n SOB.

Even though it will take a lot of time and work, you will be much better without this loser.

I really wish that youhadn't married him, if you knew all that he had pulled on you, and this other woman. By marrying him, you were giving into his desires, and totally disregarding the real problems. Don't fall for this again, PLEASE. Leave him, and never talk to him again. Let him be another woman's problem. Move on and let yourself Heal. He's not good to you.

Ok so its been several weeks now and I have managed the no contact 90% of the time, some days are good and some are real bad. With everything he has done why am I missing him so much? Pining for him? Wanting him to fight for me, to make it better, make it right. I don't want him to contact me but at same time I'm hurt he has not even once said sorry or tried to make it right. I new from day one of ending this it would be hard, I just thought it would be easier than being unhappy with him, I don't know if being without him is worse!! HELP BEFORE I DO SOMETHING STUPID LIKE BEG HIM TO COME BACK!!

You want these things because you are remembering the tender moments you spent together,and the way that felt.

Your heart is broken and telling you to do something to make it better,don't listen to a broken heart,it will lead you into more hardship.

Listen to your head. Stop picking at the scabs of your hurt and exposing more hurt.. no contact means no contact 100% of the time,it's the only way out,and the only way to freedom from this pain.

Get busy today,make plans for the week and weekend,go for a walk,clean the house,do anything except ring,if you do,your just jamming a nail into your heart.

Know you can heal,know there is a better life without him.

Whenever you feel like picking that phone up or sending that message come here and vent.
And remember you split up with him for a number of reasons.

So far the only times I have contactd him about monetary things and only when there is no other way, I don't reply to his texts and have kept any conversations short as poss. I am hurting mor ethani thought, I kove him more than anyone else and more than I ever thought possible, which is why I put up with it all in the first place. I can't believe its ended and I'm not stupid to only remember the good times, its remembering the bad times that stops me calling him. I just him, I thought we would grow old together and that he could change and I would be enough, I never was. I can't even talk to him about this as I don't want to here more lies, he will never admit to anything and will talk his way round anything I say, I won't believe him and nothing has been achieved other than me hurting more... I am finding it so hard

You can thelp but doubt that you will find someone better, maybe he was it. I have never felt pain like this, it's a feeling of loss and loneliness and almost like bereavement

We need to mourn the death of the relationship and that hurts sometimes more than words can explain.
When a loved one dies we go through various stages of denial,grief.anger and finally acceptance.
When a relationship is over all these emotions need to come out and we re better off for allowing ourselves to feel them.
It does get better slowly at first but still better.

Try this. Make a list of all of his bad habits, behavior, lies, problems, etc. and make several copies to paste up on the refrigerator, door, mirror, basically all over the house. This will serve as a reminder of WHY he is no longer in your life.

Only keep this list up long enough as to get this feeling of loss out of your system. It shouldn't take too long.

He was a liar and a cheat. The gambling problem is much easier fixed than the dishonesty and tomcatting around.

There are 12 step programs for his gambling, but I don't think they have Cheating Ba$tards Anonymous, not yet anyway.

Take time to work on making yourself happy. I wish you the best.

Ok, I'm hoping it wasn't a mistake, I made contact via msn. I got a lot off my chest, said how much of a liar he is and that I don't believe a word he says etc etc. At first I was upset for sending it, now I feel better, got a lot off my chest because at no point have I had the chance to say how I feel about it all to him. I didn't get much of a response other than now he knows what I really think of him!!

Now its done I feel better and have no need for any contact.

I can only hope it doesn't lead to more contact on his part, even if it does I will continue to ignore.

I think he was surprised that I know he is a liar!! Very odd

I hope you continue to feel better.
Liars such as your ex seem to live in a little world of their own where the lying is a way of life and they don't realise that people see through them.
Now you can stick to the NC and heal from the split.

I have been reading through other peoples issues today and can relate to so many, a lot of the things people have done and I have done worse, don't make me feel like such a worthless loser!!

I don't think he thinks of himself as a liar, not with us anyway! He has no remorse for anything and feels just for the bad things I have ever done.

I am very impatient and want to move on and get over it now... dont want to waste any of my life crying over him... he would not be doing the same so why should I!

OK, I have made a huge mistake today, feeling very low upset and confused about my feelings towards my ex.

I made contact with him via e mail, saying how I never wanted this for us etc and wish it had been different etc

He was cold and off with me. I wish I never sent the email. I feel lower than before. WHY oh WHY am I doing this to myself. Why am I missing and would love to have back the man who treated me so badly and hurt me! I don't understand it.

He hasn't bothered me in any way, rarely makes contact and when he does its only about something necessary.

Why do I wish he was begging me to take him back

I am so confused and have gone from feeling quite strong to very upset and confused

You miss him because you spent a long time together.
However you KNOW that many things in your marriage were nowhere near good which is why you kicked him out.
See your e-mail as a temporary set back and try to find that inner strength again.
Things get better with time -another couple of weeks down the road you ll feel much better.
Stay as busy as you can and take good care of yourself.

That's the thing though, I kicked him out as it was that bad so why want him and it back?

I am only hurting myself but find myself most days thinking of the good times and the love that was there.

Its like I'm torturing myself with it!

Feel a mess today and last few days to be honest! Feel like I've lost control of my feelings and don't know what I'm doing

All the feelings you re having are normal ,I think most of us on this board have been there-it s also about feeling lonely so it d be good if you could spend some time with family or good friends.

We have been broken up for a while now and haven't seen each other once, my friends are sick of me going on about him and being so down all the time.

I'm sick of going on about him!

Today is a hard day, we used to spend our weekends together doing great stuff after a long week at work, I miss him most at the weekends. Today is a hard day :-(

Weekends can be tough but don't fall into the trap of glorifying the good and not remembering the bad.
Ask yourself do you seriously want the confusion and the insecurity that was your relationship?

I would never want anyone to have that insecurity or bad relationship. I don't no why after all this time and everything that's happened I wish it could be different and that he could change and we could work. Why am I dwelling on it, why am I hanging on? Why can't I just let it go and try to move on. I hate the way I feel

I have a question for everyone who has read my history, I keep going over and over it in my head and will go mad if I can't get this a bit clearer?!

Why would he call me not long after we broke up and tell me his ex girlfriend (the one he cheated with 3 years ago) has moved on and is now pregnant with her new boyf?

Bearing in mind I think, don't know for def, that he has still been seeing her. I have no proof, only my gut feeling.

Is he trying to upset me, trying to hurt me or trying to pre warn me he has fathered another child somewhere else?? I am very confused by this

Its not possible to say.
Given his history it could be either.
Don't dwell on it and don't fall for his little mindgames.
Concentrate on moving forward and have on further contact with him.

Your just running your little head around in circle aren't you. Thats what contact with an ex does. If your not in contact, you wouldn't have to ask us what he is thinking.

I don't have contact with him now, this was weeks ago but it has been playing on my mind. If it is what I think then I could be looking at divorce on the grounds of adultery although he would never admit anything. But also for my own peace of mind on the days I'm feeling down and wish he was here. Thinking of it makes me sick to think it could be that.

Its hard not to sit and wonder, I try, everyday not to and on a good day its not a problem and I think of him as exactly that, not my problem anymore but on the bad days which do come I wonder

Here is a question for you all...
I am going back a while...

I caught my boyf cheating, I loved him very much, I took it upon myself to make sure the other person new what was going on, I made a few phone calls, we talked at length and in a sense compared notes on him. Bearing in mind at the time I was crushed and hurting very badly.

I wanted to stay with him, give it another go, she also wanted to stay with him and make it work... still cheating he tried to keep on seeing us both.

Eventually all came out and to an end, now here is my question...

During my time being with him after catching him I pretty much made his life hell, constantly accusing him, argueing all the time, he became very paranoid, he felt like he was being spied upon because even though I never asked, people kept telling me they had seen him... I didn't realise this at the time, what I was doing, I was hurting and so in turn hurting him. While this was going on he lost his business because he couldn't focus, he became a bit of a wreck and felt like he was in prison... his words! He blames me for everything he lost because of how I treated him after and spilling the beans on him to his bit on the side, no doubt she made his life hard too but mainly its me 'who ruined his life'

Looking back I should have just left, I would have done it all differently, I can't change that, wish I could, I now realise that once that trust is gone its almost impossible to stay together.

Is it my fault??

Don't blame yourself over a piece of crap like this. Don't let him blame you either. He cheated and he has to suffer the consequences whatever they may be. You shouldn't have stayed with him, you do have that part right. People can't get back with someone after they cheated on them and expect them to not have a grudge against them. They have to work for the trust and be willing to make things work. He did neither of these things. So, here he is all screwed over because of the choices HE made. Don't blame yourself over it and move on with your head held high.

He too had the option to leave. I would say fault isn't the issue here. You both made choices to stay in an obviously dysfunctional relationship and you both reaped the consequences. Lesson learned. The only thing I will fault you for is trying trusting an idiot, but we have ALL done that before, so can't really get too upset about that.




I wanted to stay with him, give it another go, she also wanted to stay with him and make it work.......still cheating he tried to keep on seeing us both.



Let me get this straight. Did he continue seeing both of you after you confronted him? It sounds that way... was he actually dating the two of you at the same time or did he break off entirely with the other girl?

Kc, I wish I could give you more greenies because all your advice this morning or whenever is great advice.

Are we talking about the same person?
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/have-kicked-husband-out-after-3-years-lies-have-done-right-thing-397182.html

He had the choice of cheating or breaking up with you first.

What choice did you have? None, because you can't control his cheating actions.

Therefore, it's not your fault.

The only thing you could have done differently was dump him sooner, i.e. as soon as you found out instead of giving him more chances.

He actually carried on seeing us both... again my fault because I tried to make him choose!!

It was a mistake I would never make again, that's a promise to myself, no one else

I wish, its not the same person... I have some real bad luck with guys. ONLY 2 to ever cheat on me in my 32 years so fingers crossed last 2

You can't blame yourself for the action of others. You control your own actions and the other person controls their actions.

You get to decide whether their actions suit you. If they don't suit you, you show them the door. If they suit you, then you can continue a healthy relationship.

I just can't believe after being caught once he carried on doing it but then wants to say his life has been made bad for exposing it. He mostly said it was bad because I treated him badly after. BUT his biggest main gripe is that he lost everything because of it... which is of course my fault

He mostly said it was bad because i treated him badly after. BUT his biggest main gripe is that he lost everything because of it.......which is of course my fault

Two wrongs don't make a right. Just because you treated him badly, doesn't mean he should cheat.

Maybe you could have treated him better, but that doesn't give him the excuse to cheat on you. Cheating is inappropriate nor matter how you see it. Again, he could have broken up with you first, which would be the more appropriate route. And he didn't take that route.

We all make choices that with hindsight may not have been wise.
That s how we learn about life and other people and what we don't want in our future relationships.
As for cheater number one he as everyone else is responsible for his own actions. Blaming somebody else is a cowards way.

No he never and I wish it had been different. So much damage could have been avoided if we hadn't stayed together after. I cnat change that now though

My proble is that he blamed me for what he lost... money, business, friends... manily the business

which is of course my fault

No it isn't. He made choices in his own life that led him to where he is now.

He chose to get into a relationship with you.
He chose to get into a relationship with her.
He chose to try to keep both of you on a string (along with who knows how many others).
He chose to let his personal life interfere with his business.
He lost said business because he chose to think with his penis instead of his brain.
He chooses to blame everyone except the common denominator in the mess-HIMSELF.

Let him play victim. He sounds like he spent his childhood blaming his parents for taking away his toys when he was bad.

You have learned that if you find them cheating walk away. Why punish yourself by staying in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about you?

You chose to learn and move on.

Learned so much from that relationship. For nearly a year he beat me mentally and emotionally with the blame of the situation.

I was young and stupid and let him do it because I loved him.

Your threads were merged to avoid confusion.

Your not young, and stupid, nor was his cheating, getting caught, and kicked to the curb, and losing everything, your fault. It was the consequences of his own actions.

The devil got his just desserts, no matter who he blames, so don't feel bad for him at all.

Im not young and stupid anymore!

I don't feel bad anymore for it either. It's that even now a looooooooooooong time later and he still blames me. Its made me wonder if I was wrong for telling the other woman... I know I was wrong for staying with him... was I wrong for how I treated him... was it my fault he lost everything.

He will forever blame me

Learned so much from that relationship. For nearly a year he beat me mentally and emotionally with the blame of the situation.

I was young and stupid and let him do it because i loved him.

So, why are you allowing him to continue to beat you mentally and emotionally?

As long as he continues to blame you and let him that abuse will continue.

The only thing that you should have done differently was get out when you found out about the other woman. However, staying is not something to blame yourself for. You realize now that you reacted badly, however, that is NOW and viewed with hind-sight. You are trying to blame yourself for being wounded and hurting. Why?

Everything else you have mentioned are his problems. I would almost bet that he was having business problems before his personal life blew up in his face. It is very hard to juggle two relationships and business without something suffering.

Yes, the other woman needed to know what was going on. You both needed to know to be able to get tested for STDs. If he is playing with both of you, more than likely there had been others at some point or another.

Stop carrying his baggage. Let him carry his own. Make him responsible for himself.

But that's his problem, not yours. He is only blaming you to avoid responsibility for himself, and just because he blames you doesn't mean you have to take it.

Let this go right now and stop feeling bad because he is a moron, it just doesn't make sense holding on to those old dumb feelings, and beating yourself up about it. Now snap out of it and forget the loser, and his revenge tactics. He wants you to feel bad, so be better than that.

I don't feel bad anymore, I didn't even feel that bad at the time really because I new it wasn't me or my fault... I think what I'm trying to understand is why blame me so much... why not take responsibility for what he did.

It as good to hear though from an outside point of view that I'm not wrong in not taking the blame because as much as you can tell yourself at the time he wore me down and made me doubt my own mind... bearing all this in mind it was many years ago and while I have let it go he hasn't... but he isn't my problem or concern anymore

You did the right thing to kick him out he tried his luck with you too much. Once a man see that you take him back after every thing he do he is going to think its okey to do it and you will keep taking him back he's going to mess over you and everyone fill like that after them break up but when someone else come and take you off your feet then you want worry about him any more. Don't take him back

I have been doing so well lately, really getting on with things and feeling better about myself then today, driving down the road, on the off chance see him... at the girls house I suspected him of cheating on me with... even though deep down I new it, its different when you see it and feel it, its really put me back by weeks.

Firstly if I even said anything to him, which I Won't, he would deny it anyway, even though he saw me and wow was his face a picture of OH MY GOD!!

And secondly how quickly he has moved on, he got over me quick! How could he do it, so much for me being his wife

I just can't believe what I saw

Shocking when its up front and personal, but let it pass. Are you guys divorced or not. You do need to cut the ties that bind you, or you will never be truly free.

Divorce is expensive so not that wasy. We live separate lives, I'm changing my name back etc as we speak.

It is a real shock today, bought out some new anger in me. I keep asking why I'm angry though, were not together, he can do what he wants... so can I... but its upset me still

The anger and the hurt are understandable but his behaviour is consistent with his previous so you ve not reallyt learnt anything new.
Get that divorce as soon as you possibly can.

I come on here and read other peoples stories and can relate so well, I give some really good advice... I look at my situation from the outside and know what's right and wrong and who's bad for me etc and no what I should be doing, its never that easy to take your own advice though!

I feel stupid for still caring for this man who has hurt me so much, I am angry with myself for not being over it yet, how do you put that love away and get rid of those feelings?

I hate feeling like this, it drags me down.

I am angry as well because I was picking myself up and feeling good and I can feel myself slipping back down again

You ve had a temporary setback because you saw him once again for the weak and dishonest person he is.
Also feelings don't go away immediately never mind how awful the ex was/is.
Recovery is a journey back to health it takes some time, sometimes we backtrack but as the days add up it gets easier.
You re doing fine.