Hi.well I'm with a guy who is also separated fr his wife for almost a yr now with a son.I am also separated for over a yr will get a divorce soon & I have 2 kids 10 yrs girl &6 yrs boy.we have his son fri until sat.his ex wife always call him talk down to him when he is off like off for a week or 2,then she would tell that he should look after the son even if its not the day he should look after him,I hate it because he lets her control him... I have enough dramas with my life but I love my boyfriend so much but I don't think I can deal with this for the rest of my life,please I need some advice...

What's your boyfriends take on this? Can the two of you discuss this?

It is his child as well and there should be equal sharing of parental duties.

Its not like he is a babysitter,that is his child.It should not be seen as a burden but as a pleasure to be with his child.

You have the child for one day and your complaining about that?

I think he needs to be equally responsible and involved.

I think you are being unreasonable to expect him to spend less time with his child.

But my boyfriend should first ask me if he's bringing his son to my home.he can't just make arrangements with her without advising me specially when he's bringing him to my home

but my bf should first ask me if he's bringing his son to my home.he can't just make arrangements with her without advising me specially when he's bringing him to my home

Yes,he should inform you if he expects you to have the child in your home.
Why can't he have the child in his own home when they are together if you have an objection to the child being in your home?

In any relationship involving children from previous relationship the current partner should take it as a given that the child will be a big part of the relationship.

At least that's the way it should be.

Yes,he should ask if its OK if he is bringing his child to your house,however if it was me,ill tell you where to go,and spend the time with my child,that's just my thoughts on it.

I understand where you all coming from.I have kids 2.I don't trouble him with my kids.I have enough dramas with my life,raising my 2 children by myself,I need someone to hang on to,how can I hang on to someone that's too busy with his own and let his wife play with his balls still..

Why should you 'need someone to hang on to'?That s not the way it should be-dont you want an equal partnership with another mature adult?Where s the communication in your relationship?

Let me change the table
If your boyfriend came on here and posted
Is she right?
I need help with my girlfriend every time I get a chance to spend some extra time with my son she throws a fit,she had demanded I call her to let her know I am coming over,only if he is with me.she seems to feel like my ex-wife is playing games with me when she asks me to do something for my son.

I and proubably a lot of others would tell him find a new girlfriend.
You'r thinking in this matter is way off.

I don't see why there has to be drama?who's causing the drama?

i understand where u all coming from.i have kids 2.i dont trouble him with my kids.i have enough dramas with my life,raising my 2 children by myself,i need someone to hang on to,how can i hang on to someone thats too busy with his own and let his wife play with his balls still..


He has an ex wife,she is also the child's mother.. they are both parents,not just her,he, I assume is expected to do his share of parenting,I don't think it means she still has control over him,only that she is looking out for her child,I would have a big problem if my ex husband was bringing our child into a house where that child was not welcomed.

I would be inclined to help him see and spend time with his child,even,go out with all the children..
Its seems that you are looking at your relationship as you and him,and the kids just get in the way,you have to work together,as a team,help each other.

Don't be a monkey on his back,every time his ex needs to speak to him or he wants to see his child.

I have a strong feeling that your child's father is not as intereactive and helpful as your boyfriend is with his child and I sense some jealousy for that on your part.

i understand where u all coming from.i have kids 2.i dont trouble him with my kids.i have enough dramas with my life,raising my 2 children by myself,i need someone to hang on to,how can i hang on to someone thats too busy with his own and let his wife play with his balls still..

It sounds like you need him there for you *drama* reason and when he is not you are peeved?
What is the drama you keep referring to ?

I do look after the child when he is around,I look after them equally.I came here for advice not to be criticized.r u all in the same situation I'm in?sounds like you have no idea what it is like.u will never know unless you have been there...

i came here for advice not to be critisized.r u all in the same situation im in?sounds like u have no idea what it is like.u will never know unless u have been there...

You don't need to get defensive. Everyone is just trying to understand your story so that we can give you better advice. So if you believe that you're being misunderstood, just express yourself more clearly.

Whenever you feel like you have problems with your significant other, you just need to sit each other down and talk things out. It sounds like you have a very poor communication system at the moment. You don't seem to be able to express your concerns to him. I suggest that you take the time to talk things out with him in a calm and respectable manner. Let him know your concerns and try to come to a mutual understanding.

i do look after the child when he is around,i look after them equally.i came here for advice not to be critisized.r u all in the same situation im in?sounds like u have no idea what it is like.u will never know unless u have been there...

I'm really just asking a few questions and I am sorry if I came off any other way.

You say we can't understand and we can't unless you tell us.
What is the drama?

I think I'm hearing what you're saying. You're saying that your BF gets stuffed around by his Ex with regard to the days that he's supposed to have his child, and that he just takes it and lets her manipulate him (regardless of the effect that this has on your life and his).

I can absolutely relate to this. My husband's Ex used to change her mind constantly about what days he could have the children despite there being a Court Order specifying exactly what days he could have them. For a while we couldn't plan our lives because we either had to cancel things we'd planned without them or cancel things we had planned for them.

It is a really difficult dynamic. Some women use it to control their ex-partners because they know how difficult it is to be a non-custodial father. In our case it was really hard for my husband because he wanted to see his children but it was always on her terms.

Essentially there are two things that have to happen if the situation is going to change.

1. Your BF has to grow a set of balls. My husband had to. It was really difficult, but he just had to start saying no when his Ex changed her mind about when she wanted him to have the kids. He stuck to the Court Order dates, so it meant that sometimes he didn't have them if she changed her mind. Over time she realised that it was to her advantage to stick to the dates as it meant that she got time off regularly (and the kids wanted to see him anyway). Your BF needs to start setting boundaries around dates and times, and not allow her to manipulate him - this is his on-going responsibility not yours.

2. You need to grow more patient. I had to. It is really difficult because you can see that the Ex is using the children to manipulate your partner and you just want to run away from the dramas or scream your head off at both of them. You need to accept that it may change and get better over time, but it will never go away. Fate has decreed that your BF has a child with this woman and that won't change. Neither will she (at least not in the short term). You can only change your own response to it and support your BF.

Neither of these responses are easy. If you and your BF talk about it and work on it together, it will work well. Try to understand that being a non-custodial father is really hard and that it's a life long commitment, just like your children are.

His wife is being demanding, yes, but the boy is his child. You really only have him one day a week, what's a couple more? Don't treat it like a huge imposition just because his wife is being hard to handle. I know How I would feel if I were his son, because I've been there. Kids can take things the wrong way.

Girlfriends come and go, children are forever.

If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

i need someone to hang on to,how can i hang on to someone thats too busy with his own and let his wife play with his balls still..

HUGE RED FLAG: He is separated. NOT divorced. Is there a COURT order for visitation or is it an agreement between the two of them?

From your op, I gather that the "extra" days that she wants him to take his son are when he is on a break. I am not sure whether you are referring to the father and work or the son and school. There is no mention of her denying him his "regular" visitation.

If you want someone to hang on to when you want to hang on to them, then you may want to re-think being in a relationship with a man who has a child or children.

If all of you are up for dramas well you girls have dramas then.have you been in my situation?obviously not... no ideas at all.if been there come back here and you can go on with your dramas...

Thanks gemini.ok the wife calls him at 5 in the morning,talk down to him,tells him about all the house work she has to do.they're separated what can he do for her?call anytime of the day to abuse him and he lets her.when she wants more money she calls him and come up with 'oh you don't care for your son anymore?then he will feel bad,he gives her more than child support.we have him from fri until sat and sundays sometimes.I

then he will feel bad,he gives her more than child support.we have him from fri til sat and sundays sometimes.i

Is there a legal separation and court ordered child support and visitation? Are lawyers even involved, yet?

If you are trying to get help for him, that won't work. He has to be the one to say enough is enough and set boundaries that he keeps. Unless you are living with him, then her 5 am calls are not your business. If he tries to complain to you about them, let him know you don't want to hear about it. He is the one answering the phone.

You have been with this guy for how long?

How is your own divorce going? How much of that "drama" is coloring your perception of his relationship with his ex?

Had to spread rep Cat1964.

It's up to him to sort things out with his ex wife. You can't force him to do anything. He does have options, so it's only whether he wants to exercise his options.

You have to understand that he's not divorced from his wife yet. So he comes into this relationship with you with A LOT of baggage. If he lets his wife call him anytime of the day, it means he still has a connection with her.

It's YOU who decided to give this relationship a chance, when you should be giving him space to sort out his problems from his last relationship before jumping into the next relationship.

if all of u are up for dramas well u girls have dramas then.have u been in my situation?obviously not...no ideas at all.if been there come back here and u can go on with ur dramas...

Stop with the chat speak, we're all grown ups here and we type complete words and sentences.

It's against the rules of this site to use chat speak or text talk or whatever this "u" etc. stuff is.

It's

You, not u.
Your, not your.

Use the best English you're capable of.

thanks gemini.ok the wife calls him at 5 in the morning,talk down to him,tells him about all the house work she has to do.they're separated what can he do for her?call anytime of the day to abuse him and he lets her.when she wants more money she calls him and come up with 'oh u dont care for ur son anymore?then he will feel bad,he gives her more than child support.we have him from fri til sat and sundays sometimes.i

Look, as I said, HE has to deal with her. Best thing for you to do? Don't get involved. They are only dramas if you allow them to be.

Regarding the early morning phone or persistent calls? Pull the phone out of the wall or put it on silent. Speak to your BF about managing his contact with the Ex, what does he want - for her to be harassing him for the rest of his life?

Trust me, I've been there (still am) and I speak from experience.

Ultimately, it's up to you to decide if you can stand it. I stayed because my husband and I worked on it together and it brought us closer together. You may be different.

First of all I don't have a problem with his son.the child comes first of course,the child is not the problem it is the mother.she manipulates him and he lets her.she would call at 5 am to complain about house work she needs to do.if she wants more money she uses the son and things like oh you don't care for your son anymore.he sives more than the child support rate.he pays for all the loans she wouldn't even help,like credit cards that they used for furniture,he did get a thing from their place and he is paying for it,I reckon if she doesn't want to pay for some of it he should have some of it or divide it since he is the one who is paying.there is another man living there already and its OK for him to still do that,he might as well send them to o for a holiday!

She's ridiculous.

first of all i dont have a problem with his son.the child comes first ofcourse,the child is not the problem it is the mother.she manipulates him and he lets her.she would call at 5 am to complain about house work she needs to do.if she wants more money she uses the son and things like oh you dont care for your son anymore.he sives more than the child support rate.he pays for all the loans she wouldnt even help,like credit cards that they used for furniture,he did get a thing from their place and he is paying for it,i reckon if she doesnt want to pay for some of it he should have some of it or divide it since he is the one who is paying.there is another man living there already and its ok for him to still do that,he might as well send them to o for a holiday!

Have they started divorce proceedings? Do they even have lawyers involved? Is there a court order for child support and visitation?

Is his name on those credit cards and loans? Then he is protecting himself and his credit.

The division of property should take place with representation for both of them present.

You can give him moral support, but the rest is up to him.

first of all i dont have a problem with his son.the child comes first ofcourse,the child is not the problem it is the mother.she manipulates him and he lets her.she would call at 5 am to complain about house work she needs to do.if she wants more money she uses the son and things like oh you dont care for your son anymore.he sives more than the child support rate.he pays for all the loans she wouldnt even help,like credit cards that they used for furniture,he did get a thing from their place and he is paying for it,i reckon if she doesnt want to pay for some of it he should have some of it or divide it since he is the one who is paying.there is another man living there already and its ok for him to still do that,he might as well send them to o for a holiday!

This is not your business. You are creating more of a problem by making her the problem. How they divide their assets in between them, even if it seems unfair to you.

If you are going to be helpful, why don't you suggest he see a solicitor or seek legal aid?

It sounds like you jumped into a live-in relationship, before the last relationships were over.

Without the structure of boudaries and what each of the four adults in the picture can expect, it is a free for all, and the children are stuck in the middle.

Your resentment toward your boyfriend for not having balls, and your resentment to his ex's boyfriend for using the furniture that your boyfriend is paying for, and your resentment toward your boyfriends ex for pretty much everything that she does, really adds up to a lot of resentment don't you think?

Unless you have wings and a halo, you will surely have resentment toward his son as well, especially if it invades your time and does not suit you to have him over.

I don't know why you would have him living with you, and wonder why you didn't wait until he had his business sorted out first. You sound very naïve to me.

Either way, ease up a bit on him, worry less about the material things he has to take care of, and keep your opinions about his ex to yourself. It isn't helpful for him, or his child, or your relationship.

First of all I think all of you got me wrong I don't have a problem with his sn,I accepted him from the beginning because he is part of my boyfriend.it is the wife she manipulates him and he lets her.she would call at 5 am,early in the morning because she is complaining about the house work she needs to do,she ask for more money when my boyfriend already pays her more than what he is suppose to and she will say something like'oh you don't care for your son anymore.he pays for their loans and credit cards ,they used credit cards to buy new furniture and now he is paying for everything still while she has everything at her house while her new boyfriend lives there with her,she is so thick!

Simple, all of that is for them and their divorce lawyers to work out. Just as you and your ex are working through cleaning up the mess of your own marriage.

You can't control their actions and reactions. You can only control your own.

You talked about having too much drama in your life to deal with his drama. Don't deal with his drama. Let him deal with it. If he is complaining, direct him to the listings for lawyers and the divorce court.

If he is living in the same house as you are, then give up on the idea of having him "ask" to bring his son over on the extra visitation days.

For the sake every child in that household, please accept that you need to let some of the drama go. You may not have a problem with the child, but how you talk about his mother and discuss the relationship with his father will cause him problems. Remember even if he isn't in the house hearing it. Your children are and children talk, tease, and taunt even when they don't mean to.

I have dealt with my dramas,I have an arrangements with my ex no more no less,I don't ask for more.he also has a life to live for and so am i.but we both do our best for our kids.
The whole 5am call?well the phone would not stop vibrating till he answers it.
I believe that once it is over,it is over and move on,cut the crap
And yes everything is on his name and he is paying for everything for his ex and her boyfriends convenient,it is not fair.she won't even split things up.
I know I jumped into a relationship way too fast,tha's bcoz I fell imlove with him
I am putting up with all of this dramas because I know he loves me,I just don't think he has the balls to sort things out with her...

Well you can't have the balls for him!

And anything you try to do to control him is only going to cause drama

You sound like you put yourself first,your boyfriend second,and the kids last on your priority list

When it should be
Your kids
His son
Yourself
Then him.

Get out of his head and his past relationship and concentrate on your own priorites.

i just don't think he has the balls to sort things out with her...

That's what the lawyer is for.

How could you judge me like that?do you have any idea?how could you say I put my kids last?mon to fri I take them to school rush to work work all day pick them up from someone,come home cook dinner sit with them to do their homeworks,by 11 pm still in my uniform ironing their uniform for the next day,I work my arse off for my kids... weekends I still take them out before thinking of having a rest,you have no idea...

I'm trying to be objective here.

I have been where you are,as have many divorced women and men.

If you break it down... you are a couple,he has things to work out with his ex,let him do that... stay out of it!
Its not your business,turn off the phone at night!

Let him talk about it if he wants too...

If you think he does not have the balls to stand up to her.. then you love a man who you think has no balls!

Give yourself and him a break...

Let him worry about his own mess and let her do whatever she wants,you can't control it.

Put up,or end it..

Then that will be the end if it.
No more drama.

how could you judge me like that?do you have any idea?how could you say i put my kids last?mon to fri i take them to school rush to work work all day pick them up from someone,come home cook dinner sit with them to do their homeworks,by 11 pm still in my uniform ironing their uniform for the next day,i work my arse off for my kids...weekends i still take them out before thinking of having a rest,you have no idea...

That is the most you have said about your children. Most of what you have written is about your boyfriend and his ex as though their relationship is all you think about.

Think about how many people do put their intimate relationship before their parental one and you can see how reading your posts one might think that about you.

That's what I wanted to hear

I wasn't judging you just trying to get a feel for where your heads at

Well I did not say much about my children here because I know exactly what I am doing for them,my children are not the issue here,we are talking about my relationship with my boyfriend.I know what I'm doing with my kids I have thought about that since I got separated with my ex husband and from the day we separated it was only what is best and what I should do for my kids is all I can think of.
Yes maybe my boyfriend does not have balls I have talked to him,told him that he needs to deal with it.
And you know what my kids are happy and doing very well at school.so I'm not doing bad at all.I know a lot of woman out there go wild once they are over a relationship,as far as I am concern,my conscience are clean when it comes to my children

Talaniman Rule- Take care of your last relationship, heal from it, before you jump into the next one.

You are both violating this rule, and will have drama, and confusion, and conflict, until you solve your past issues.

Plain and simple. You should stay out of each others business and handle your own.

We brought up kids when you mentioned his,and in a cold way "he should call before he brings him over here"
Let me change that not cold,maybe you just want to know so you can prepare a dinner for everyone,so no one is going to question you on you'r children we are just trying to put together a story in our heads based on what you tell us,
So if you said,
He needs to call when he's bringing his son here because I am very busy with my kids,cooking,cleaning I just need to know when there might be one more for dinner or something like that?

But that is not how you came off