Hi all,

I haven't been on this board for a little while, but the advice here has gotten me through some difficult times, so naturally I'm back! I've been more of a lurker and have gotten some really valuable input from everyone other the years, so some outsider perspective could be helpful.

This one is a little different.. not your normal "she broke up with me" dilemma.

After ending a 5 year relationship 18 months ago, I went through NC and survived. It does work! I dated around for quite a while and eventually met "Jackie", about 6 months ago. I'm 33, she's 26 and we're both well educated, financially stable and at the same point in life. It's the healthiest, most honest romantic relationships I've ever had. Things are going very well and is showing great promise. It's amazing the things you do better in the future when you learn what went wrong in the past!

Enter the problem...

A cousin of mine is 45 or so, married (apparently not happily) and is a rather brazen person. He's pretty negative about everything, feels the world owes him, and is especially rude to women, and frequently makes open comments about their body parts - right in front of his wife! I used to think there was a lot of good in his heart, which is why I've continued to hang out with him. I was nervous introducing him to Jackie, but it eventually happened.

The first meeting or two went well, as he was nice and sociable. The second time we all went out to dinner, my cousin talked non-stop about sex, sex, sex. He also made mention that Jackie had a nice rack and body. Now, we're not easily offended people, but these seemed a little over-the-top and it made the both of us uncomfortable. In retrospect, I should have said something then, but we let the comments slide.

My cousin and I met with Jackie on several other outings - at a bar, a bbq, a Polish feast, and his attitude sways heavily from nice to downright nasty and sexist. You never know WHAT you're going to get. This past weekend, I was at a bar with my cousin and he was drinking heavily, acting like his typical self. We even had trouble being served, as he'd managed to offend every female server in the place. I was getting tired and I decided to leave (no, I wasn't drunk, only one beer), much to his disappointment - he looked downright angry that I was leaving. When I got home, Jackie called me to say that my cousin had sent her some texts, stating some pretty racy inappropriate sex-related stuff, which I don't wish to repeat here. I tried calling my cousin to find out what the deal was but he didn't answer, so I shot him a txt message stating that his messages were inappropriate and we'd talk the following day.

He proceeded to send me texts in response (and emails the next day) stating that I chose p*ssy over family and that was a slap in the face. He said that I'm now dead to him and I better apologize and learn my lesson that family is more important than p*ssy. He also stated that they were "just texts" and I shouldn't make a big deal out of them. He also vowed to have me "banned from the family..." Imagine that! My cousin has obviously crossed WAYYYY over the line and I'm battling my internal dialogue trying to dissect this. I used to spend a lot of time with my cousin, but I'm spending less time with him now that I'm in a new relationship. I've also begun to realize that he doesn't add any positive value to my life. However, I still make A LOT of time for him, just not enough for his liking. This is the thanks I get, when all I've ever done is treat him like a brother.

My girlfriend is uncomfortable by his remarks (as am I) and not sure how to handle it, but she's being supportive of me and not trying to push me one way or another. I feel really dissed by my cousin. My main question - has anyone else had to deal with a situation like this, with a seemingly jealous relative? I'm trying to be positive on this and deal with my cousin in a positive manner, but it's really tough when someone has shown little respect and has basically crapped all over you.

Any input or comments are much appreciated!

Hello there. I find myself in maybe a similar situation. My cousin seems to be the same as yours but my cousin knows when its time to be serious and he can be mature. I am sure that might be somewhere deep inside your's. Family is important.

You should let him know that the reason you're spending less time with him is not because you're picking anyone over anyone but that you can't stand his impropriate behaviours. I honestly believe he should grow up especially for someone his age.

But there is one part that he's right about. Girls do come and go and family stick together forever but that does not mean you should be with him more than your girl.

I have a motto that I live by in my life, it may help you here as I went through a problem with my cousin that was similar to yours.

First time, you let your mouth do the talking. Second time, you let your angry mouth do the talking. Third time, let you fist do the enforcing.

Tell him one more time, in a stern and firm voice that you do not appreciate nor will you tolerate his rude and vulgar comments anymore.

If he continues, go to step 3, you don't have to but it's been proven to work.

Your cousin's behaviors are out of line.
He is the one violating your trust and friendship.
You know what a benefit NC gave you before, I would insist on NC with your cousin.
Let him stew and cool off and come forward with an apology.
As far as the rest of the family, I am sure that his behaviors are well known and probably not well liked.
Who needs all the drama being close with him brings, he is a grown man!

Disappear from his life, as he is the one with the bad offensive behavior, and don't worry about how he feels, as he doesn't care how you feel, that's obvious. Stop letting him manipulate you, and pay the consequences of his own actions.

He is a bully but here is the deal. The whole family knows and will blow him off. They will not disown you because he sent some racy text messages. But at some point, I would let it be known you do not appreciate his inappropriate behaviour and let it beknown at an oppotune time arount these other family members so they know what the real issue is.

If your family choses to disown you on someone's word without giving you a chance to hear your side of it, then they were not loyal to you. If you are really worried, save the messages. Sounds like you have an awesome girlfriend who can shake off this jerk without pushing you to make a statement. And now you should support her and "protect" her from continued "abuse" when the whim hits him

I'm with romefalls and besides telling him how inappropriate the text was let him know what she means to you,you said you "dated" around a bit well he has the motto
"bro's before hoe's" what you have to do is convince him this isn't no "hoe'" this one is REAL and its good and working for you.
Only one chance for him though if he does not get it he's a knucklehead and there is no hope.
p.s. and that depends on if she is willing to let it go I forgot to ask how she feels about it?

You were right to leave the bar. I wouldn't want anyone to think I was like him, "guilt by association" Give thought to not hanging out with him at all. He might even learn a lesson and have a shot at what you have someday.