I am 49 years old.
I was sexually abused as a child (a very small child).
My uncle and brother sexually abused me.

Every single male I have ever met and grown to know as a friend has put the hard word on me, eventually.
Last weekend I was propositioned by a 19 year old!

I compliment people a lot.
I like to find nice things about people and let them know about it... e.g.. You have very nice eyes, you have a lovely head of hair, you are a very good conversationist, etc. I have always done this as I like to get compliments too... especially when they are true. I do this with both sexes.
It is something that not many people do. Some say that this is "flirting" to me it is just stating the honest truth about a nice thing a person has.

I am a monogamous heterosexual, but lately I have been attracting gay ladies too!?

My latest (male) partner rings me constantly asking to come over, he offers me all sorts of favours in the hope of getting between my legs. He is a great lover, but I am starting to feel like the only reason he wants to be with me is for the sex.

I have been propositioned by married men, bosses, and people I barely know...
I am no great beauty.
Funnily enough, I have a good friend who is a nymphomaniac, and she can't seem to get anyone between the sheets..

Is it just me, or is this the case with most women?
Are we all just objects that need to be pleased... in the hope of getting between the sheets?

There are many issues that could be address in your post,but I would like to address maybe one or two.

Have you considered that you keep picking the same type of man to be friend?

The same qualities,or 'type' of man.

Do you date? and how long before you decide to have sex with them.

Giving compliments is a good thing,people like to hear good things about themselves,however have you thought,that maybe a personnal thing to you to make people like you?

Are you a people pleaser?

Hi redhed35 and thanks for your reply :-)

I make friends with whoever I meet. Male, female, all types shapes, colours and sizes, no difference to me.

I tent to get into relationships with people of a like-mind. Peaceful people who are fairly intelligent, honest, open, thoughtful, animal lovers, highly ethical types appeal to me most. So if this sort of person can be type-caste, then that is the type of person who attracts my attention - more than others.
Attractive looking is a bonus... ;-)

I do not date anymore as I am in a relationship.
When I am not in a relationship I find something turns up pretty quick. i.e. I meet someone whilst out somewhere and we finish up in a relationship either with or without dating.
I don't tend to beat around the bush or play games (if I am single), if I am physically attracted to someone I admit it, and we have sex. The time frame of meeting to getting between the sheets depends on how close I feel to the person... could be hours... could be days... could be never... depends on their persistence and my sense of security/closeness/attraction to them.

I don't like to make waves unless I am insulted or mentally challenged in some way... I like to give compliments cause I like to help others to feel good about themselves by appreciating their better qualities. So I guess this is a people pleaser?
Some people do not like me at all... because they do not agree with my points of view... water off a ducks back.
Though yea, I prefer it if people to like me, don't we all?

I guess my real question is... if a guy likes me... does he just like me so he can jump my bones?

i guess my real question is... if a guy likes me... does he just like me so he can jump my bones?


My answer to that as a 37 year old woman is no. I don't believe every man that likes you wants to jump you.

Some men are only after one thing,they meet a confident woman who pays them a little attention and think 'woohoo I'm in'... but not all men.

I know men from work,family,friends,I meet men all the time,mostly 90% of the time there is no sexual undertone,some mild flirting now and then,but the bounderies are clear,if they misunderstand those bounderies,I put them right.

Review your body langauge,be aware of how you interact around men who make passes,be mindfull of the vibe you are giving,a sight change in your tone of voice or body language may be enough.


There will be other posters who will give you another perspective and point of view, plus suggestions.

I think I am getting bitter and twisted...
I am already VERY careful of my body language, my "vibe", and yes even probably my tone of voice. In fact it is now a very rare thing for me to be to look a man in the eye...
Even someone I think of as my son!
And yes I make my boundaries clear... but they seem stupidly oblivious (and disrespectfully ignorant of my clear words and gestures) no matter how clear I am.
I have been stalked, pestered, groped and others have openly admitted to "holding grudges" against me because I knocked them back.
I am starting to realise that other humans' lives revolve solely about how much sex they can get and everything they do leads to getting their next lay... nothing else matters...
No wonder I keeping to myself to myself more and more.
I am sick and tired of being used and abused for what is between my legs.

How do you edit here? *blush!

Your grand... you getting to the crux of it... I think I would be a little angry and frustrated if I were you.

There was a time in my life when those things,or at least it seemed it was always happening.

I can't pin point when it started to change... im still beautiful,time has been kind to me,I guess for me I started to focus on other things,the men who would always try their luck with me,now only nod if I pass them,but they are still chasing women,married and single alike.

I have reached a road block on your post,have you any idea why this keeps happening?

Have you asked friends or other people,have they observed the same thing?

I would like some honest feedback from any guys out there...
If someone complimented you on your nice car, or that they liked your t-shirt, would you take that as a "come on"?
Perhaps I need to stop pointing out to people that they have good taste or nice aspects to their personalities or that something about their looks is pleasing to the eye :-(
I know that if things don't change soon I will become a total hermit!

No,I would not take it as a come on,but I would be pleased.

You say your in a relationship,how does your partner feel about this?

Does this happen when you are both out together? As a couple?

Other posters will come,male and female alike,I'm afraid you can't help who answers your post,sometimes posts are not answered at all.

Lol, that's just it redhed, my female friends all complain they don't get enough... (specially the single ones - ESPECIALLY the Nympho!), and males in my life are not interested in any form of deep conversation, they just want to jump me!
Has the whole world gone sex mad? And, specifically, sex mad for ME?
You have no idea how shocked I was when my nympho (hetrosexual) girl friend put the hard word on me!
And how sick I felt last week when a boy younger than my daughter... YUCKO!
Or is my frustration and annoyance at being treated as a sex object given me a new perspective on the way that all humans behave?
Or perhaps I am exuding some form of pheromone at the moment... something to do with menopause?
*curls up in little ball and hides under the covers... ;-)

You know,sometimes we are what we are.. your 49 years old,you sound confident,and sure of yourself,next time someone in your circle behaves in a sexual way,or you feel there is a sexual undertone,pull them up on it,just say listen buddy,I'm not interested,get lost...

Word will soon get around...

Take it as you are a beautiful,sexy woman at 49,some women would give their back teeth to have to same problem..

Don't get me wrong,I'm not making little of your problem,I'm just saying,use your confidence use your strength,and have zero tolerance for cr*p!

My partner thinks it is ace when someone blatantly flirts with me...
Even though I feel a bit uncomfortable and usually ask to leave,
He knows I will be heading home on his arm.
He is not a big guy and he is very placid, so there has not ever been any form of aggressive "alpha male" stuff when he is around.
He is doting and attentive and knows that he may get lucky if he keeps smiling and treating me right ;-)
He is considerate and respectful too. When I have asked him for space, he has given it.
Yea he is a pretty cool guy.
He is away at the moment, seems like the neighbourhood sexual predators started sniffing around the second he left!
;-)

Sounds like you have a nice man there.
Do have have hobbies or other interests that you enjoy without getting unwanted attention?

I will use that... clear, to the point and there is no comeback.
I don't know about being beautiful, confident and strong... but I must still be sexy! ;-)
Ty, redhed
You are very wise for your age
:-)

What I said I meant,that's what came across in your posts,I wish you luck.

Keep an eye on your post,other people will post suggestion too.

Yes, lots
:-)
I am happy to spend a time on my own, I keep very busy, work long hours and squeeze too many hobbies in to do them all justice.
I would rather not go into too much more detail here.
It is a nice place, I am sure I will be back whenever time permits
Thanks for taking the time to reply...
It is greatly appreciated.
Have a great weekend!

Certainly some people will read more into a compliment and consider it flirty.That is just wishful thinking.

I am rather free with compliments as well and have found that certain people do take it the wrong way.Seeing it as a come on of sorts.

I don't think that people praise each other enough and I know you can make someone's day by the simplest of compliments.
It is a positive thing to do and you should not have to amend your pleasantries because of others misreading you.

I would say continue on as you are.
You are not the one with the problem,unless you are crossing some social boundary.

Ask a good friend if you are crossing that invisible line that we erect in social circles.
Be sure to preface your question by complimenting them on what you know will be an honest answer :)

my latest (male) partner rings me constantly asking to come over, he offers me all sorts of favours in the hope of getting between my legs. He is a great lover, but i am starting to feel like the only reason he wants to be with me is for the sex.
he is doting and attentive and knows that he may get lucky if he keeps smiling and treating me right ;-)Hello Oz:

I've been reading... And, I'm a bit confused... The kinds of things you're saying, such as "he may get lucky", and that he offers favors to get into your pants... Those are things ladies say BEFORE they give it up... Once they give it up, it's no longer a game of whether - it's a game of when...

At least that's the way it's been with EVERY single relationship I've ever had... I only point this out to suggest that you have an UN-NATURAL view of hetrosexual relationships... It may very well stem from your childhood abuse... But, I suggest the problem lies between your ears, and not between your legs.

excon

I think that red head has given you great advice. I have the same problem at times. I am constantly being hit on, constantly being approached and everywhere I go I am stared at. I used to "campaign" my way through life so to speak. Very friendly and outgoing. While there is while there is nothing wrong with that. It has proven to be very dangerous for me. From being followed home, to be chased across parking lots, to the constant attempts at the grocery store, people showing up on my doorstep and every other imposition you can imagine.
I'm sexy and very comfortable in my skin... very free spirit. Friends over step boundaries as well as strangers. What I have learned to balance is my open spirit and the sexiness, you have to accept that you can't help how people feel when they look at you, but when you notice that they are staring or starting to move in. Back them away slowly. It's a body language as redhead has stated. It's slight but direct. It doesn't mean that you have to totally change who you are or dim your light so to speak. Just being aware of how people feel will help you reel it in.

As gross as it is my sons friends as they have approached puberty and struggled there way through it, have mentioned your mom is sexy, hey sexy, if I was older I'd make you my girlfriend, been caught staring etc. It's inappropraite and disgusting but they have helped me over the years to be more aware of what I am putting out there. Maybe treating the world as if it is full of pubescent boys isn't the answer but it's possible you need to give them a little less you.

Dealing with some of the past abuse? Have you ever dealt with it in a medical setting?

I'm sorry you were abused as a child. But you seem to have bounced back from that remarkably and you're obviously a very friendly and loving woman. That's going to attract people. And having a sex drive is perfectly normal, so when someone is attracted to you they naturally will want to have sex with you. Now that doesn't always mean it's right and proper to do so. Married men, bosses, other peoples' boyfriends, etc. are off-limits of course, even if they feel attracted to you. And as for being "no great beauty", you may be more attractive than you realize. Perhaps the abuse you sustained as a child has decreased your sex drive. You may want to consider talking to a counselor.

You mentioned not looking a man in his eyes
I wonder if that coulod be part of the proublem if its not sending a message of weakness so he feels you as a mark?
Two things a hard firm look may help and
Do you wear a ring on your wedding finger?

Reply to Excon


Hello Oz:
I've been reading... And, I'm a bit confused...
excon
Hiya Excon, what are you confused about?
Also, why do I have an UNNATURAL view of hetrosexual relationships?
And yes, my latest partner would like sex ever time he comes over...
And sometimes (in fact more and more frequently) I do not feel like it - because I am not a prostitute... I do not expect favours for sex.
I like his company, I like our conversations, though every time he comes over he gets turned on and I feel like crap if I say no.
I guess I don't particularly like the pressure, so I would rather he didn't come over very often.
Also, I do not like the way you insinuate that I have a mental problem.
I am quite sane.

Reply to s_cianci
Very nice post :-)
Want to have sex ;-)
Hahahahahaha (JOKE)!

reply to s_cianci
very nice post :-)
wanna have sex ;-)
hahahahahaha (JOKE)!

? If not a troll, get some help

Reply to zippit

I do not look many people in the eyes... male or female.
I find it a very strong and powerful means of communication.

I takes quite a while for me to be around someone (I need to be very comfortable with them) before I can look them directly in the eyes, and even then it remains difficult.

I have to either be very angry with them, or very attracted to them, or needing to stress an important point in my conversation... or something like that... to be able to give others total eyeball contact - one on one. I have spoken in public on a number of occasions in front of large crowds of people, that is when I give direct eye contact the most frequently, I seem to move people (a lot) when I give eye contact.
I guess it is a big fear of mine to be honest, always has been.
Something I am trying to grow above - and yes I have had professional counselling in the past, fairly recently and can go back for further session should I feel the need to.

Thanks everyone for your replies...
Quite a bit to think about :-)

MsMewiththat
Grow a sense of humour

I have a sense of humor. However, you are here asking people for help. Jokes like the one you made, might threw people off. How can we tell? So I apologize to you. Perhaps it was way too harsh, but your comment really threw me off. How sincere are you about growing?

Also, why do i have an UNNATURAL view of hetrosexual relationships?

i guess i don't particularly like the pressure, so i would rather he didn't come over very often.Hello again, Oz:

I say you have an unnatural view of sex because you DON'T LIKE sex, and that is UNNATURAL. Women in a relationship, who have a natural view of sex, DON'T feel pressure to HAVE sex. If anything, they're APPLYING the pressure.

excon

Excon you know I love you in a really stalkerish kind of way... I had to spread the rep, but you know we apply lots and lots of pressure...

Hi Excon and Ms
Firstly Ms,
My apologies to you for not acknowledging your first post, it was good advice and I took it on board. I answered everyone else (I think) and missed yours as it was the first one I read...
So I am very sorry about that. My non-acknowledgement actually shows my agreement and understanding of your good words.
My mood has changed and lifted, I wrote when I was feeling quite down. So to s-cianci...
I guess I liked your post so much (great words - thank you) that I made light of the whole thread by giving you the "come on", it was meant to be lighthearted and shows my sik and twisted sense of humour, but I guess it WAS a bit of a weird thing to say...
So I also apologise to both s_cianci and you Ms...
I am sorry to both of you for causing confusion.

Secondly, excon,
You wrote:
"I say you have an unnatural view of sex because you DON'T LIKE sex, and that is UNNATURAL."
Where and when did I ever say that I did not like sex?
I did not ever say that... YOU said that.

And when you say, and I quote "Women in a relationship, who have a natural view of sex, DON'T feel pressure to HAVE sex. If anything, they're APPLYING the pressure."
That is a very large generalisation. You do not speak for ME, and I am a WOMAN.. and I do feel pressure to have sex with my partner, as HE gets turned on very easily, and I do not.
So when next you generalise like that, I suggest you ask the opinion of all women before you have any right or responsibility speak for them.
excon, I find your input neither helpful or supportive.

Finally, I would like to admit to everyone that I was assaulted in my home and hurt 2 weeks ago. I went to hospital via ambulance and my injuries were recorded. The police were informed.
I do not know who the person was, so I cannot name him, he told me he would put a bullet through my dogs heads if they bit him. I do not want to make a formal statement and take this thing through the court systems, as even if he was charged and I was dragged through numerous court cases, the chances are he would just be fined and he may come back.. a whole lot angrier, with his guns.
I think I am still a bit traumatised from this assault.
I am not looking for sympathy.
Though in total honesty, a little bit of understanding and compassion is what I had hoped to receive when I began this thread.

Reply to Excon


Hiya Excon, what are you confused about?

.

Now I am confused
Are you here for help or to brag?

I see a lot of bragging.

Bloody hell...
Just how the is talking about being assaulted bragging...
Do you comprehend compassion zippit
Goodbye to this place...

Finally, I would like to admit to everyone that I was assaulted in my home and hurt 2 weeks ago. I went to hospital via ambulance and my injuries were recorded. The police were informed.
I do not know who the person was, so I cannot name him, he told me he would put a bullet through my dogs heads if they bit him. I do not want to make a formal statement and take this thing through the court systems, as even if he was charged and I was dragged through numerous court cases, the chances are he would just be fined and he may come back.. a whole lot angrier, with his guns.
I think I am still a bit traumatised from this assault.
I am not looking for sympathy.
Though in total honesty, a little bit of understanding and compassion is what I had hoped to receive when I began this thread.

Oz, I am going to address this first because it is time sensitive. I realize that you are scared and traumatized by the assault on you as well as the threats to your dogs. I sincerely hope that you are talking to someone who can help you. No one should go through something like that feeling that they are alone. Please remember that any decision you make is yours and no one Else's, but I do want you to think about it.

I realize that you don't know who assaulted you and at this time don't want to know. I am glad that the police were at least "informed", but I, personally, feel that you should make a full report. This "individual" is counting on you and probably other victims (there rarely is just one) staying quiet. He might only get probation for a single case, however, if ALL of his victims come forward it changes to hard jail time for him.

Back to the original problem:

I think you really need to sit down and discuss your relationship with your boyfriend. There seem to be a lot of mixed messages that need clearing up. You may not "have sex" for "favours", but it does sound like you may be (on a subconscious level) enjoying making him "work for it". That isn't healthy for any relationship.

I think a good bit of what you have talked about comes down to control issues. You taking full control as this statement makes it sound:


I do not date anymore as I am in a relationship.
When I am not in a relationship I find something turns up pretty quick. i.e. I meet someone whilst out somewhere and we finish up in a relationship either with or without dating.
I don't tend to beat around the bush or play games (if I am single), if I am physically attracted to someone I admit it, and we have sex. The time frame of meeting to getting between the sheets depends on how close I feel to the person... could be hours... could be days... could be never... depends on their persistence and my sense of security/closeness/attraction to them.

Or feeling like others are taking control (for example the groping and comments).

You seem to be seeing the world as "sex mad" when you aren't the one doing the controlling. I think you really need to think about your perceptions, where they come from and how they influence your view of other people's actions.

bloody hell...
just how the is talking about being assaulted bragging...
do you comprehend compassion zippit
goodbye to this place...

I owe you a apology your reply #31 either didn't load or I skipped it

I wrote that before reading 31 sorry

Finally, i would like to admit to everyone that i was assaulted in my home and hurt 2 weeks ago. i went to hospital via ambulance and my injuries were recorded. the police were informed.... i do not want to make a formal statement and take this thing through the court systems, as even if he was charged and i was dragged through numerous court cases, the chances are he would just be fined and he may come back.. a whole lot angrier, with his guns.
I am glad that the police were at least "informed", but I, personally, feel that you should make a full report. Hello Cat and Oz:

The criminal laws of our land are not based upon whether a victim wants to complain... There is no distinction between "informing" the cops and making a "formal statement". If a crime is reported, it is going to be investigated. The cops don't need your permission... If a perp is found, he will be tried. If you, Oz, don't want to go to court to testify, you can be subpoenaed. If he gets off, it's not because SOCIETY let him out, as you suggest. It's because YOU let him out!

I believe you came here looking for agreement, and you didn't find it. When that happened, you brought up this assault, which of course had NOTHING to do with your original post... I have NO idea why you would mention it, OTHER than you were seeking sympathy.

I know we're not buddies... But, I'm speaking some truth to you...

excon

You need to get in a place where you value yourself more. A lot of what is said here is just flat out disturbing. I don't know why, but you are doing far more danger to yourself than you can imagine. STOP and plase Learn to value yourself

I would say you need to report an assult and deal with what happens from that. If not you allow them to make you a victim.

For the other issues, if "every" man is doing this, then perhaps it is something in your nature that is sending some wrong signals to accepted norms in today's society

As was said... assults should be reported. Assuming they are still within any statute of limitations.

As far as guys putting the make on you. Attribute this to one or more of the following.

You are attractive.
You have a pleasant personality.
You ooze sex appeal (true this is personality related but its not always tied to a pleasant personality, many have one or the other but not both.)

None of those are negatives on their own. Most women lack one or more of those, few have many of them. But also add that as one grows older the available pool of single people decreases up until mortality starts overtaking us. If you aren't wearing a ring it is assumed you are available.

Most people will not know about your past traumas. So keep that in mind.