My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now, and he still wants to party! I am sorry, but I just don't think it is right for my boyfriend to go to the bar 2 or 3 nights a week till 2 or 4 am without me. I feel disrespected and I also feel alone. Does anyone agree with me, or am I being silly?

Thanks

How old are you, and do you live together? How long have you lived together if you do? Kids? Work? School? Details, more info please.

I am 27, and he is 28. We have lived together for about a year. We do not have kids, I am currently unemployed so money is very tight, and he is a waiter.

Are bars his escape from anything? Life? You? His own misery? Is he a social drinker?

I agree with you. I would not want my girlfriend (when I have one) to go to bars without me and stay there all morning. Yes it is disrespectful. Have you informed him about your feelings? If he is a half decent man he will take your feelings into consideration.

Also, if money is tight, tossing back drinks several times a week seems a wee bit wasteful.

Part of the trouble, if you both, or he went to bars before you were a couple, you are now wanting to change him. Basically if you don't want a person who is going to the bars you don't date a person going to bars to start with.

But it appears you are settling down, he is not,

From personal experience it takes awhile to adjust to living as a couple,that is why it is so important to do the pre-marital arrangement either with a clergy or a counselor or someone and then have the ceremony because as a single guy who is used to leading the single life it is very
Hard to define the point when you say its time to settle down,so that is where you need to start you need to define where your relationship IS,where the money situation IS,and where you want to be.
I was a party animal and I came around so if your relationship is right he will too

I have told him that this hurts me, numerous times. Yes he did go to bars when I met him, but I just figured he was doing it cause he was single. Normal people settle down. I just want someone that wants to come home to me. I feel like our home and me should be his escape.

What do you two of you do when he does stay home?

I know you feel that way but you have to understand OLD habits are hard to break.
He needs to understand that he is NEEDED and wanted at home and that this time at the bar is hurting the relationship in order for him to understand that he needs to know where the relationship IS?
He might say"Im not giving my night life up for no girlfriend"
So where are you at? You need to make him feel like he has priorities and they are with you
And get ready for the "why whats so important?" nagging isn't going to get it.

We cook out on the grill. Or we play card games, or watch movies. We have a really good time together, but it is those nights where he says I don't care what you want, that are tearing us apart.

I don't try to nag. Some nights I don't say anything about him going out, and strolling in drunk at 3 am. I also try to go out with him, but I just want to sit at home some too. But I feel like this is just not right. I feel like I deserve to be treated better. I am a DAMN good girlfriend. I cook, clean, and AM good to him. I just don't understand why I am not enough for him to come home to?

First of all, personal space is very important, if he goes without you then it is clear he doesn't want to see you during that time. Depend on what he does in the bar, if he goes there to get drunk then look for girls that's a BIG red flag. If he goes there to have a social moment with his own circle of friends without getting drunk, it's not as bad as you believe. Personal space is needed in ANY type of relationship ( including friendship).

I have told him that this hurts me, numerous times. Yes he did go to bars when I met him, but I just figured he was doing it cause he was single. Normal people settle down. I just want somone that wants to come home to me. I feel like our home and me should be his escape.

Really I'm telling you its just a old habit.
If I'm wrong tell me but here is how it goes
He gets off work calls you tells you he will be home after a drink
Two hours later he/or you calls "where you at?" ohh so and so showed up
I'm about to leave 2 hrs later he still isn't home

Is that even close?

He gets terribly drunk and then drives home. We get along very well other than this, so I don't know why he would be trying to get away from me?

Here's what I think the problem is: You don't want him to have a life outside of you. Plus, I think you feel that whatever makes you happy should also make him happy. If this is the person he was when you first met him then don't try to change him because he will just wind up resenting and then dumping you. In a relationship you're supposed to share interests; what you shouldn't be doing is trying to assimilate yours into his life (while he gives up his).

Also, are you with him because you love/like him or because you don't want to be alone so you just got together with any man?

The drinking and driving thing is just stupid on his part, though.

I don't try to nag. Some nights I don't say anything about him going out, and strolling in drunk at 3 am. I also try to go out with him, but I just want to sit at home some too. But I feel like this is just not right. I feel like I deserve to be treated better. I am a DAMN good girlfriend. I cook, clean, and AM good to him. I just don't understand why I am not enough for him to come home to?

He needs to know where the boundaries are for the relationship

really im telling you its just a old habit.
if im wrong tell me but here is how it goes
he gets off work calls you tells you he will be home after a drink
two hours later he/or you calls "where you at?" ohh so and so showed up
im about to leave 2 hrs later he still isnt home

is that even close?

Yes, you are very right! Or it seems like every other night is someone else's birthday.

He gets terribly drunk and then drives home. We get along very well other than this, so I don't know why he would be trying to get away from me?

Your going to get all the advise you want this shows its just a old habit and it will take a lot to break it.

OP, I am not sure if he was like this before you two start dating. To me, if I knew he likes to get drunk so often and party so much, I won't even start dating him!

he needs to know where the boundaries are for the relationship

We have tried to do that. We have set up 2 nights a week that I will know he is going out, but that didn't work either. The situation I am in now is that I am thinking of moving to be by my family. I don't want to be without him, but I am tired of being unhappy and feeling run over.

Justcurious82;
I am 27, and he is 28. We have lived together for about a year. We do not have kids, I am currently unemployed so money is very tight, and he is a waiter.

You need something else to do, simply because he may be use to his freedom, and use to you working. With no kids, or a job, you have way too much time on your hands, and this will distance the best of guys. Especially when money is tight, and your nagging him, about spending time with someone who is doing what??


I have told him that this hurts me, numerous times.
I bet that went over really well. Especially when it appears your doing nothing for yourself, and contributing nothing to the house. I know, you probably cook, and clean, but geez isn't that boring, to have to wait for someone to come home who doesn't want to put a shrimp on the bar-bee, or play cards?

I would be hurt to, and really board if I were you, and frustrated if I was him.

Yes he did go to bars when I met him, but I just figured he was doing it cause he was single.
Let see, what did I do after work, when I was 27, and married with two kids?? Oh yeah, now I remember, I went to bars with the guys.

Normal people settle down. I just want someone that wants to come home to me. I feel like our home and me should be his escape
I have been married more than 30 years, and when I need to escape, I go fishing, or to my man cave, home is what we escape from. You have nothing else to do, but try and change him instead, of having a life besides him. There is no excuse not to be busy with your own life, No lids, no job, and not trying to be harsh, but I would imagine he sees you doing nothing but nagging.

Please don't drive him away any further, but get your own act together and make your own changes to yourself, as you have many more adjustments to make with him, for sure. You depend on him way too much, for you to be happy.

If he was that happy, he would change himself, not because you want him to, but because he wants to. How long have you felt this way, and how long have you been unemployed?

I have only been unemployed for a few months. I have been looking for a job every day. I do my own things too, I hang out with friends, and have hobbies. I agree with you, I do rely too much on him.

I am going back to it's a habit for him and you need to do more to break it
Setting up two nights a week sounds good but here we go
"Hey hun..hmmm so and so just showed up and im going to hang here a bit"
Next thing you know its 3 am
If he was RIGHT with you it would not be necessary to SET UP anything, he would want nothing more than to come home after work

How many times have tried to do something special for him and he RUINED it by not coming home so you quit?

Its just a matter of maturing and growing together it is why christians <right or wrong> take classes before MARRIAGE so that's past you two so you have to gather things together,he's not going to do it,you have to set up where the relationship IS and where it is GOING

I don't like the fact that he spends money on drinks when money is tight.

Don't beat yourself up for relying too much on him. For some reason, us women are like that. We like to make our men the centre of our lives.

But since you're aware of this (a good sign) try to pry yourself away from depending on him. Because if something ever happens to your relationship, you're going to be put in a position where you will be very lonely. Just speaking from experience ;-)

It's going nowhere. I am ready to give up and move on. You are right on so many levels, I guess I am not the only person that goes through this. I now have lots of resentment built up inside. We live about 20 minutes from the bars he goes too, the other night he drove all the way home to get his debit card at 11pm and then went back to the bars.

Is he not spending anytime with you at all?

You say you're tired of being treated this way, perhaps there is another guy out there that will treat you better. I bet that hasn't crossed your mind because you love this guy but sometimes love just isn't enough.

Well I held back on this but isn't he headed for a DUI or killing himself or someone else?

Don't get me wrong it needs to stop its just how you go about it

I think over time, you both grow together, and set the boundaries, and define the relationship, and how best to WORK TOGETHER.

I doubt that a few months of being home is enough for him to change his routine, but I can see you being bored, and missing him.

I think you benefit, and feel better about yourself, with something more than just keeping house though. I also know that your just getting to the point of knowing him on a deeper level, and finding things out about yourselves, as well as each other.

This is usually when couple learn how to solve their conflicts, or find out if they are even willing to. The way you react is more important than the way he acts.

Drinking, and driving is stupid, even when I was doing it.

well i held back on this but isnt he headed for a DUI or killing himself or someone else?

dont get me wrong it needs to stop its just how you go about it

He has already had a accident. He says he only had a few and that he was looking at his phone. 6,000 dollars later, and he still hasn't learned. Should I just give up?

He has already had a accident. He says he only had a few and that he was looking at his phone. 6,000 dollars later, and he still hasn't learned. Should I just give up?

Depends what giving up is. Giving up the relationship? Giving up trying to change the situation?

Take a vacation, go home to mama and think about if all this is worth it to you.

Well its your move,there are no kids and he seems to be set on this self destructive path
I mean I'm a dumb -a** but I knew when it was time to settle down

Give up on the relationship. My family wants me to move to be closer to them, and I am seriously considering it. I told him that I would like him to go with me, and he said he has too much invested here. That should be my answer right there!

He has already had a accident. He says he only had a few and that he was looking at his phone. 6,000 dollars later, and he still hasn't learned. Should I just give up?

The proublem for him is he is in the industry with his job..
Just out of curious is he doing anything else besides drinking?

Take a vacation, go home to mama and think about if all this is worth it to you.

Got to spread the rep but this is the most classic line I've heard all day. I so agree with this. Take some time for yourself.

Let him grow up and realize that something is missing in his life and come after you. If he doesn't than I don't think its worth it.

The proublem for him is he is in the industry with his job..
just out of curious is he doing anything else besides drinking?

Like drugs? No

Most classic I thought
"go home to momma"was a bit harsh

Lol considering I don't have a momma

Give up on the relationship. My family wants me to move to be closer to them, and I am seriously considering it. I told him that I would like him to go with me, and he said he has too much invested here. That should be my answer right there!!

I agree with you here too much invested what?
A job as a waiter you can replace that
Friends?you mean the friends that let you drive home drunk good investment buddie
What does he mean investment?

Not sure, too much invested in his job as a waiter... I guess. By the way, most of his buddies are 30 yrs old still being waiters, and they are alone.

lol considering I don't have a momma

I have to stick up for talan here he<and I hope its he> did not know this and always gives good advise

Not sure, too much invested in his job as a waiter...I guess. By the way, most of his buddies are 30 yrs old still being waiters, and they are alone.

So your not pulling him away from family,ex wife kids ? Nothing like that?
And if not , that's were I would draw the line I'm going you can go with or stay,things are not good here for me and don't seem to be much better for you.

He has his mom and dad here, but he doesn't really even see them that much.

How far away are you planning to move?

From Texas to Illinois.

Are there some opportunities for you to work when you get there or what? Is it he does not want to move some where and mooch off family?

Could be, I have a job lined up

Well you know I have enjoyed talking to you
I just hate to give the advise of "leave him girl hes no good for you" and frankly I don't know where all the regulars are because they would be telling you to run... just curious I'm in n. houston what part are you

Do what's best for you not him. If leaving is best for you, do that. If staying is best for you, do that.

How old is he?and what do you want from the relationship?can you discuss this?

I'm inclined to agree with you. Anyone in a fulfilling relationship shouldn't need to constantly be hanging out at bars until past 2 AM without their significant other. Seems like there's other issues here. You need to decide whether this is something that's acceptable to you. If the shoe were on my foot I wouldn't date a woman who was doing the things you're describing.

Justcurious,

What bothers me most about what you have written (I don't think it can be emphasized enough) is his drinking and driving. That is one habit that he needs to quit before he injures or kills someone. It isn't just his life that he puts at risk.

How much of your upset over him going out to the bars is fear that he won't come home? I am wondering if you are scared of the police showing up on your doorstep at 4 am. Have you even allowed yourself to admit that fear is there?

Sometimes we see reality, and don't like it because it doesn't look the way we want it to.

That's why any long term relationship that's healthy, requires work, patience, and a lot of communications, and the willingness by both partners to keep working on it.

You have options to decide on as I see it,
1) You give him space, and work on developing yourself, and the things you want to do.

2) You leave, and develop yourself, and do what you want.

That your lining up jobs back home speaks volumes, so you already have one foot out the door.

I go for option 1, as all young couples like yourself, go through this adjustment period, and depending on how you both deal with it, you either survive, or break up.

I think he gives you enough space to make up your own mind, so really the ball is in your court, and he is not ready to change, and it seems neither are you, but you insist he change, that's interesting also as you control what your actions are, not his.

Quitting because the going got tough, is never an option with committed couples.

So that's the question you really need an answer to, How committed to this are YOU.

Ever evaluate what you both bring to the table, and discuss how things work together?
Are you helping each other be better?
Are your expectations, and his compatible, and realistic?
Are you both willing to work on learning how to talk and listen?

If the answer to any of these questions is NO, its time to go. You have not established honest communications

Well stated Tala

well you know i have enjoyed talking to you
i just hate to give the advise of "leave him girl hes no good for you" and frankly I dont know where all the regulars are because they would be telling you to run...just curious im in n. houston what part are you

Ha ha I am in N Houston too!

After reading through this thread, your remind me a lot of one of my friends that I talk to quite frequently. She lives in Oklahoma. I live in Illinois where we grew up together. Most all of her family is here. She's beginning to wonder what's keeping her so far away when she's been treated poorly in several relationships. Everyone that loves her is here. She's mentioned coming back in January. I hope she does. We all need support when times are hard.

ha ha I am in N Houston too!

When you was talking about his drinking and driving I was thinking about how the cops around hear don't PLAY I live in montgomery county so yea,he should consider himself lucky nothing tragic has happen YET! And if I was him I would not hesitate to move with you and try to start over fresh.If you think you have money troubles now how will it be after a DUI?

p.s. I actually live in porter I say n. hou most people don't know porter

Oh I am kingwood, I know porter. And you, the cops are bad around here!

So what's your update how do you feel after the discussions you had here?

justcurious,

What bothers me most about what you have written (I don't think it can be emphasized enough) is his drinking and driving. That is one habit that he needs to quit before he injures or kills someone. It isn't just his life that he puts at risk.

How much of your upset over him going out to the bars is fear that he won't come home? I am wondering if you are scared of the police showing up on your doorstep at 4 am. Have you even allowed yourself to admit that fear is there?

I do admit that I think about that every time. I have dated someone in the past that had this problem, and did wake up with a phone call at 3 am saying he was in jail. So yes, this does worry me.

so whats your update how do you feel after the discussions you had here?

I feel a little bit better, still confused. I think that I am scared to make such a life changing decision. What if my decision is wrong... then what??

I feel a little bit better, still confused. I think that I am scared to make such a life changing decision. What if my decision is wrong...then what???

Making a decision is better than wasting time and standing still.

Make the decision that you think is the best for you and don't look back.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

(by Robert Frost)

You could do a list of pros & cons
I can tell you this in the last few weeks it does seem like the economy here is picking up a little I have noticed more jobs popping up.
Does he have any other skills? Could you get him out of the restaurant biz. like you said most his friends are waiters I think if he had a day job especially something that was harder work w/ more pay he might break this habit of partying after work.