My husband won’t let our 21 year old twins grow up! Our daughter lied to us for 2 years about going to school and all we have to show for it is a $28,000 college bill. He continued to let her “attend” until I finally put a stop to it. She is unemployed after getting fired from yet another job and lives with her boyfriend’s parents. She comes home occasionally just to shower and use the internet. Our son attends school, but lives at home and still has his meals, laundry and virtually everything done for him.

The last straw was when I reminded our daughter she had a doctor’s appt. that needed to be canceled and I just overheard HIM call the doctor. When I questioned him about why he didn’t let her do it he said what he always says, it’s easier to do it himself.

I am at my wits end. Our children have no sense of responsibility, no financial skills or time management skills and no work ethics, just to name a few. I can’t make him understand that he is really harming them by not letting them grow up. What can I do to stop this hovering helicopter parent?

I am so mad at him that I can hardly see straight. It is really affecting our marriage. He says I need to come to terms with how he acts with the kids and quit being so angry, but I don't know how or truthfully don't want to.

Well, where were you when your daughter didn't attend school for two years! You had no clue that she wasn't attending? If I were forking out 28,000.00, I'd sure as hell be getting reports, semester marks- something!

If she is 21 years old, why are you allowing her home to shower, and use the internet? Shouldn't she be doing that where she resides? Why isn't she making her own Doctor appointments, why are you reminding her at all.

You do virtually everything for your son while he goes to school, and wonder why he is not more independent?

It seems to me that they are both still treated like children, and you need to let up on your husband, and take a good look in the mirror. You are both enabling their bad behaviour, and they've had it good!

You and your husband have every right to expect your son to do chores, his own laundry, cut the grass etc. while you are footing the bill for college. You also have the right in my opinion to expect your daughter to grow up and take care of her own business.

While they have easy access to all the ammenities they've been used to all their lives, without having to work for anything, what did you expect would happen.

My opinion is, you really have to communicate with your husband, and deal with your adult children as adults. You are both contributing to them not growing up.

The story starts here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/avoidance-anger-style-385911.html

There are two issues here. First of all, if your son is still living at home, he should be taking some responsibility and helping out with the chores. He's getting too much of a free ride.

As for your daughter, I know this is going to sound like tough-love, but if she decided to move out like that, then you shouldn't be giving her so many privileges in the house anymore. Keeping her out of your house seems a bit extreme, but your husband is definitely contributing in keeping them from growing up and being independent.

However, there is a more immediate concern than your children. It's the way you communicate with your husband. It seems like the two of you have a contradiction on how to treat your children. If you don't work as a team, your children will just take advantage of the parent who is more easy going. I suggest you work out your issues with your husband first before you worry about your children. Unless you have a coherant approach, your children will only get confused, because there are two approaches at work right now.

Your children can wait, they've taken so long to grow up, so it won't make a difference while you work things out with your husband first. But in the meantime, give your son more responsibilities around the house and you might have to tell your daughter to go elsewhere to shower and use the Internet because she doesn't live in your house anymore.

Boy, did I get a well-deserved bashing on this one. When truth is staring you in the face it's hard to ignore. The bottom line is my husband and I have never agreed on how to raise the kids.

If I give them chores, he does them. When I get mad and tell him to stop he accused me of being a nag, which of course, I am. He always says that it's easier to do the chores himself than to endlessly nag the kids. Okay, now tell me how I am supposed to MAKE my husband stop this behavior?

If we go to the store and they admire something he offers to buy it and I am the one who always has to no. The other night our son said he needed socks & boxers and after checking the credit card statement found out he bought $93 worth! Okay, now tell me how I am supposed to MAKE my husband stop THIS behavior?

Our daughter has a lead foot and has worn out her tires long before she should have. I told the hubby that she is the one who worn them our, so she is the one who should buy new ones. He said if she was allowed to buy ties they would be the cheapest ones available. I didn't have a problem with that. He turned right around and bought the same tires he has on his car - good ones - because tires are a safety issue. Okay, now tell me how I am supposed to MAKE my husband stop THIS behavior?

I have tried telling the kids that they have to quit letting daddy do everything or they will never learn to do things on their own, but you can imagine how well that went.

The funny part about all this is that my husband was always helping his mom with everything. Really. When I point out that our kids haven't been given tha same opportunity he says so what.

My husband wouldn't LET our son get a job until this summer (his 21st yr) because he didn't NEED one. I tried endlessy to persuade both of them that this was a huge mistake, but it fell on deaf ears. The only reason he got a job this summer is because it was a required internship for college.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the drift. I am by no means innocent in this, but I can't figure out how to put on a united front when we totally disagree on practically every aspect of our responsibilities as parents.

You are right about one thing, WE have caused this mess and have to live with it or fix it. The problem is that he doesn't see any problem. Apparently I AM the problem. He says I need to lighten up and accept the situation for what it is. Give me a break.

If I give them chores, he does them. When I get mad and tell him to stop he accused me of being a nag, which of course, I am. He always says that it's easier to do the chores himself than to endlessly nag the kids. Okay, now tell me how I am supposed to MAKE my husband stop this behavior?

You can't. It's a different style of parenting. You can't force him to stop, just as much as he can't stop you from nagging your children. You have to accept his style and compromise together.


If we go to the store and they admire something he offers to buy it and I am the one who always has to no. The other night our son said he needed socks & boxers and after checking the credit card statement found out he bought $93 worth! Okay, now tell me how I am supposed to MAKE my husband stop THIS behavior?

If your husbad pays for the credit card himself, you can't stop him. He's earning his own money I presume.


Our daughter has a lead foot and has worn out her tires long before she should have. I told the hubby that she is the one who worn them our, so she is the one who should buy new ones. He said if she was allowed to buy ties they would be the cheapest ones available. I didn't have a problem with that. He turned right around and bought the exact same tires he has on his car - good ones - beacuse tires are a safety issue. Okay, now tell me how I am supposed to MAKE my husband stop THIS behavior?

You don't. He's entitled to buy whatever he wants for his daughter. She's just as much is daughter as yours.

One of the problems is that you have two very different style of parenting. But from what I can tell, the bigger problem is that you can't accept his style. There's no right or wrong here. You DON'T make your husband stop a certain behavior. That's called being CONTROLLING. You need to talk things out with him. You need to explain to one another why you have a certain style of parenting and why he has as different style. Try to compromise with one another. You can't expect him to change and follow your style. Who's to say who's style is right? Once again, there's no right or wrong. It's just DIFFERENT.

Learn to communicate with your husband. Learn to compromise. You can't expect each other to do a completely switch and solely follow the other's style of parenting. But you should be compromising as a mom and dad.

I understand your frustration a lot more now. I think that we are on the same page with the responsibility/expectations/consequences thing for these adult children.

Your husband is not.

Man, no wonder you're frustrated. He's an easy mark, and they know it. And they see you continuously being undermined, which also sets a bad example.

While your styles may be different as to parenting, his style always trumps your style. I can only imagine your frustration.

Take the tires for example. You are right, she wore out the tires, she should replace them. Your husband replaces them. No consequence to her. IF you and your husband could have talked enough about that issue, perhaps she could have been held responsible for 2 tires, and you and hubby would replace the other two.

I guess it boils down to how to crack that no compromise brick wall that is between you two. While he is blind to his contribution to deadbeat adult children, you are spinning your wheels and not being heard.

I think that counselling is in order. These issues are serious because the actions or inactions of ineffective parenting, are putting a rift in your marriage, and at the same time, not allowing your children to grow up and to be responsible.

If the two of you can agree to only that, going to a counsellor, make the appointment, and don't say another thing until you have a chance to express your concerns in an environment where learning, and listening can take place. A counsellor can point out where you are going wrong, and steer you in the right direction so both parties can talk a problem through without sabotaging the other, and get mutually agreed upon results.

It may sound hard and complicated, but it isn't. One thing is for absolutely sure, and that is you are on the right path here. Stick to it. Even concrete can be broken down with a few well-placed sticks of dynamite.

Jake2008, you ask where where I was when she was attending school?

First semester, she did marginally. We told her she had to improve or it was over.

Second semester, she had mono for 6 weeks and then kidney stones the night before finals, so we decided that the deck was stacked against her and gave her another chance.

Summer semester, she was given a gift grade and we let her know that she had to focus more.

Third semester, she called half way through and said she was unhappy and wanted to come home. She actually said she was given too much freedom and wasn't prepared to handle it, if you can believe that. She stuck out the semester, well only physically. We found out after we got the grades that she just quit going to class and failed 3 and got a D in one. She didn't seem to care that not only had she lied to us for weeks, but that the $7000 of my hard earned money was completely wasted. Oh, did I tell you that I have put my ENTIRE salary in the bank for 5½ years for their college education, so it is MY money she wasted.

Fourth semester, she came home, which in and of itself was a complete disaster. We told her she had to enroll in the local community college if she was going to live at home - the "last chance". I thought that she should have to pay for it and would get reimbursed according to her grades, but after presenting the idea to her she said she wouldn't go at all. Against my better judgement, we decided she deserved yet another chance. Again, she pretended to go to class and ended up dropping 3 classes and getting a C in one. I told her she would have to pay us back for 3 of the classes, but the hubby said no.

Summer semester, the big "last chance again". She once again went to school physically and blew off the course. $330 for tuition and $275 for books wasted.

Back to the live at home thing...

She decided that after being away at school for the 3 semesters that she had no intentions of following any of our rules and didn't care about anything we had to say. She began by staying out until the wee hours, progressed to all night, then several nights and finally to the she comes home to shower and use the internet as previously posted.

Enter, she does what she wants and dad welcomes her home with open arms because he's glad that she comes home at all. I, on the other hand, know she is using us and won't play her game, which makes me the bad guy again. He tells me to lighten up and accept things for what they are.

As you can probably already guess, she only talks to him because he gives her ANYTHING she asks for, including tires, clothes, gas for her car (the car she doesn't deserve is a whole other story), etc.

Now that you know the highlights, let me have it.

It was a little clearer what goes on there after you provided more information.

My last post to you was as helpful as I could get- I think. I honestly don't know how you can go about living life with these adult children without some major changes. I have visions of this still going on five or ten years down the road.

I don't blame you after the added information, for being at your wits end. I would be too.

What do you think about counselling to help get your husband on the same page.

I will disagree to a point I wish, he is earning money for the family, and he should not have all the control but money spent should be a joint discussion.

I would start with husband and wife in counseling and communication

He needs to understand he's setting them up for failure. He needs to slowly "ween" them off . I know he thinks that he should do everything for them, but it's actually doing more harm than good. At what point is he going to allow them to be adults?

As far as your daughter basically stealing money from you for school which she didn't attend, I would sit down with her and make up a payment plan for compensation . How else is she going to learn?

If it takes counseling for your husband to get onboard then you should go.

Your husband needs to treat your twins like adults.

They're no longer his little babies.

The story starts here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/avoidance-anger-style-385911.html

There are two issues here. First of all, if your son is still living at home, he should be taking some responsibility and helping out with the chores. He's getting too much of a free ride.

As for your daughter, I know this is going to sound like tough-love, but if she decided to move out like that, then you shouldn't be giving her so many privileges in the house anymore. Keeping her out of your house seems a bit extreme, but your husband is definitely contributing in keeping them from growing up and being independent.

However, there is a more immediate concern than your children. It's the way you communicate with your husband. It seems like the two of you have a contradiction on how to treat your children. If you don't work as a team, your children will just take advantage of the parent who is more easy going. I suggest you work out your issues with your husband first before you worry about your children. Unless you have a coherent approach, your children will only get confused, because there are two approaches at work right now.

Your children can wait, they've taken so long to grow up, so it won't make a difference while you work things out with your husband first. But in the meantime, give your son more responsibilities around the house and you might have to tell your daughter to go elsewhere to shower and use the Internet because she doesn't live in your house anymore.

I have something to get off some people up here are Wrong on this. Chores would be most required to fit the example. It give the parents who are in command a free ride after they come home from work and have food cooking and clean ship so to speak. But I don't know if my mom was like this mom barking at my dad everyday I have say take a chill pill & take step back. What wrong with relationship. If your daughter thinks she still part of family maybe she needs to freaking wake up. I woke up realized when my mom had cancer. She was echoed she be dying she might have died this year if weren't for cancer treatment center(thank you). Does your daughter care for you deep down I believe your family needs to see therapist or Have whole family sit down and talk find the grief. Maybe if mom being the center of grief go visit family for month or something until your husband says these words "I miss you or I love you."

Or if the daughter or your husband chances you have find what it is? But technically it be great to have therapist, chances are she or he will be there to walk you through it.

I have something to get off some people up here are Wrong on this. Chores would be most required to fit the example. It give the parents who are in command a free ride after they come home from work and have food cooking and clean ship so to speak. But I don't know if my mom was like this mom barking at my dad everyday I have say take a chill pill & take step back. What wrong with relationship. If your daughter thinks she still part of family maybe she needs to freaking wake up. I woke up realized when my mom had cancer. She was echoed she be dying she might have died this year if weren't for cancer treatment center(thank you). Does your daughter care for you deep down I believe your family needs to see therapist or Have whole family sit down and talk find the grief. Maybe if mom being the center of grief go visit family for month or something until your husband says these words "I miss you or I love you."

Or if the daughter or your husband chances you have find what it is? but technically it be great to have therapist, chances are she or he will be there to walk you through it.

I'm not sure I understand this post. One thing I got out of it was that you are saying that kids shouldn't have chores.
Free ride?

Children and teens alike, should have chores to perform. It teaches them responsibility. And yes, it does ease the amount of work that us adults have to do, but that's the way it should be. It gets them ready for the real world. Why should parents do everything? You spoil kids by not giving them chores.

Look at life 100 years ago, kids worked from sunrise till time to go to school, then after school they went BACK to work until supper time.

If kids expect an allowance, then they should EARN it.

The bottom line is that the mother and the father need to work as a team. The children are realizing the weaknesses in each parenting style and taking advantage when they get a chance. So the first step is to get the necessary help to strengthen the mother/father bond, such as marriage counselling.

Once both parents agree on a certain approach, then it will be easier to confront the children.

You are so right about presenting a united front. Even though they are 21, they know how to play both of us to get what they want and we haven't been strong enough to stop it.

Counseling is really a good suggestion since I have developed very deep resentment toward my husband for his "generosity" and my daughter for putting us through H@## for the last 6+ years.

I really have become the worst version of myself. I need to learn to forgive more and move on. My husband accuses me of thinking too much and he's exactly right. I dwell on the bad instead of looking for the good.

How does one go about finding the right counselor. My daughter went to counseling for a while and after 3 different ones she finally gave up. She said she couldn't relate to any of them.