I am living with my boyfriend of two and half years and I have just discovered him on dating and sexual websites. Now he has done this before and he swears that it is only fun, in a internet porn kind of way.

However, I have just moved to another country for him and I do not know anyone here other than his immediate family. I also have nowhere else to go here. I don't have the money to rent a place by myself.

I feel quite betrayed by him now, and despite previous promises feel really lied to.

Do I sit back and just accept that he needs this form of stimulation (despite us having a healthy sex life) or do I end things with him?

Confused.

No, move on. He does not NEED that form of stimulation at all. People say "every man looks at porn" but it is NOT TRUE. It's okay for a man, or any person, to be curious about something and look, but to make it a regular behavior is not healthy. I would not stand for it. There would be no level of trust in my relationship if I discovered that my boyfriend were looking at porn. It shows disrespect on many levels. And I'm sorry to say, that the relationship probably wouldn't last. Lay down the law, if he doesn't like it, move on. You diserve more respect than that, and you should respect yourself more than to settle for it.

Looking at porn and being on dating web-sites are two entirely different scenarios if your on a dating site chances are your not telling everyone "im happily married just horney and curious"he's a liar and enjoys the chase real or fantasy still dangerous.

I would say that you are in the control seat. He betrayed your trust, so you can demand what you want from him. If he can't provide it, then it's time to call it quits.

However, it does bother me that you moved to another country for the sole purpose of being with this man. You should be moving somewhere because it suits you and that you are in control of your own life. You should also spend some time buidling your own personal life and not just revolving around this man. For example, finding a job so that you can earn your own money and find your own place if things don't work out. Or going out and getting to know more people so that you can establish some roots.

Watching porn is actually pretty normal for most men and also going on date site might be part of his porn habit, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or he doesn't have pleasure with you. I think you are a bit too uptight about this situation. If he really cheated on you, then this would be another story.

Well the moving came about 2 weeks ago, so job etc haven't been found yet, but we moved to here (netherlands) from the uk, after he got a job. I had just graduated uni so I was happy at the time to move here because I needed to find work and here or there didn't matter.

The porn doesn't bother me, I get that a lot of men do need the stimulation so I'm not a prude in that sense, but it's the fact that his email is on there, and that he no doubt webcams with them... and it's the webcamming and the chatting which disturbs me.

When I wrote the original message I hadn't spoken to him about finding him on the dating site but when I did he said someone was trying to set him up and he swears black and blue that it wasn't him, that he used to have one but he got rid of it... hmm not sure I believe that but hey.

when i wrote the original message i hadnt spoken to him about finding him on the dating site but when i did he said someone was trying to set him up and he swears black and blue that it wasnt him, that he used to have one but he got rid of it...hmm not sure i believe that but hey.

Whoa. He's lying to you big time, now. I'd run like the wind!

Take nothing less than you feel you deserve.

Never compromise yourself.

Insist he have more consideration for you and your wishes.

How does he treat you in other ways?

I am not sure relationships can work on a demanding level... "you must do that now since I don't trust you at the moment" type of thing. That seems fake and immature.

Bottom line is how do you feel? You obviously have trust issues and I will be the first to say porn is not a big deal. Being on a dating website is a big deal. This is a hard situation because you either learn to deal with it and leave it at that, or you move on from this. You can't just hold this stuff above his head, once you have accepted as good or bad, that's it, move on.

You two are living together now. There must be lines drawn between the two of you and boundaries set so there is no mis-understanding. Communication is the biggest key here.

If you don't know if you can believe what he says, it means there's a huge breach of trust. You really need to sit him downand talk things out. This isn't going to go away. Furthermore, the more you put it off, the more suspicious you become, which continues to put a strain on your trust for one another.

Furthermore, if it's in fact true that he's been on a dating site, then now that he's caught, he's going to go further into hiding and try to cover it up from you even more.

It's better to find out the truth now, rather than to find out later. The way to find out the truth is to talk to him and see how much you believe. If you feel that you can't believe what he's saying, then the trust is gone. No trust, no relationship.

Take nothing less than you feel you deserve.

Never compromise yourself.

Insist he have more consideration for you and your wishes.

How does he treat you in other ways?


in other ways he treats me fine. Hes not a violent guy and has never lost his temper with me ever.. or with anyone else to be honest. Hes not the most romantic guy but he does little things for me which is why I fell in love with him in the first place, little things like waiting till I get home to have dinner with me and having it waiting on the table ready, or even doing random things like laundry occasionally...

Hes still really young (21) so I don't know if this is a phase or something (the chats and dating) and like something he'll grow out of... He once told me about his ex girlfriend and she really messed about with him, so I think he has some insecurity issues but again I'm no expert so I duno.

I don't want to demand anything from him, I just want him to quit the dating sites or the meeting of girls online. So far he hasn't gone and met one yet which I guess I should be thankful for, and he's said he never would...

It is easy for someone to answer this with a "leave him" but they are not in your shoes. You need to decide what it is that you love about him. Then figure out if the pro's out weigh the con's. Does this guy have so many things you love about him that this is somethig you can live with? If you decide no, then get out now. It will just get harder as time goes by. You may have to consider going back to your county where you have friends and family. If you like where you are save up now and get a place when you can or look for a roommate. Just remember everyone has faults, you just need to decide if this is one you can live with. I hope this helped :)

Dating sites are not porn sites.

Dating sites are where you go to meet people to date. There are all kinds of them. Ones for married (but discreet lol), singles, gays, you name it there is a dating site for it.

That he has gone from porn, to dating sites, which by the way can both be interractive, is an activity that is not condusive to a marriage. It is a connection with other like minded individuals for the purpose of mutual gratification, in one way or another.

In your case, he likes women, and he's doing what is expected of him on a dating site. He knows exactly what he's doing, and while millions may disagree, to me it is an affair even if the intimacy only lasts an hour. A married man has no business screwing around with other women.

If it were me, my opinion is that none of it is good, and the fact that he covers it all up, would have me wondering what else he's covering up. It is harmful behaviour for any couple to have such a rift, regardless of what the activity is. And when the behaviour of one is based on lies and deceipt, it is a disaster waiting to happen.

If this is not something that he NEEDS to do, then he can curb his appetite for sex, and/or sex with strangers, and/or relationships with other married/single women.

If he cannot stop himself, and you think there may be addiction involved, then you'll have to dig deeper to help him figure it out, and think about counselling to address these issues.

Either way, there is nothing positive to be gained until the issues are on the table, and he's honest about what he's doing, and why.

He may be right on the "they are trying to set me up" deal and the fact that you BOTH are in a strange land together I would say tell him to cut it out that you love him and that this is hurting you and that ,in itself SHOULD be enough for him to come to his senses.he may have got someone that is assaulting his email or computer and he doesn't have control of it.
There needs to be a measure of trust between the two so that would be MY first priority to re-kindle the trust and relationship.

paxe

Watching porn is actually pretty normal for most men and also going on date site might be part of his porn habit, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or he doesn't have pleasure with you. I think you are a bit too uptight about this situation. If he really cheated on you, then this would be another story


Crap, I meant to put "disagrees" with the paxe dude. I think he's wrong.

Crap, I meant to put "disagrees" with the paxe dude. I think he's wrong.

And I thought you was being nice

and I thought you was being nice

Haha hell no.

Crap, I meant to put "disagrees" with the paxe dude. I think he's wrong.

Well you do know that a dis-agree should ONLY
Be given when the FACTS are wrong and not opinion based?
Keep it REAL

do i sit back and just accept that he needs this form of stimulation (despite us having a healthy sex life) or do i end things with him?

confused.

I was like you boyfriend in a previous relationship but all he is doing is playing you its simple as that I mean you can't have sex with a computer well not anyway tha I have found yet but I would cut my loses before he hurts you by cheating I suggest you get in contact with some of your own family to get you back home his just using you until he finds an internet girl close by trust me it's the dirty truth.

Ibupenyu;
Hes still really young (21) so I don't know if this is a phase or something (the chats and dating) and like something he'll grow out of... He once told me about his ex girlfriend and she really messed about with him, so I think he has some insecurity issues but again I'm no expert so I duno.

So give him a chance to correct the issue

well you do know that a dis-agree should ONLY
be given when the FACTS are wrong and not opinion based?
keep it REAL

The facts are wrong, not all guys look at porn, it's NOT a normal thing. Most of the guys that I've known or still know, as in like 95%, don't look at porn. It's fine to be curious about it a couple of times, but a habit is not healthy.

The facts are wrong, not all guys look at porn, it's NOT a normal thing. Most of the guys that I've known or still know, as in like 95%, dont' look at porn. It's fine to be curious about it a couple of times, but a habit is not healthy.

That may be a fact to you
Can you prove it.
Really don't give a disagree unless its factualy based or you will not make friends fast

I think I've only given like 2, this would be my 3rd. I don't usually.

I will put it to you this way the last reddie I got was from a expert and it came when I was telling someone new that had posted in introductions a family law question and I told them I THINK its this but I will request your post get moved and I got a reddie on it>>
Srious think twice before you do it
No-one wants to pull up a profile and see that red dot next to a reply

The facts are wrong, not all guys look at porn, it's NOT a normal thing. Most of the guys that I've known or still know, as in like 95%, dont' look at porn. It's fine to be curious about it a couple of times, but a habit is not healthy.

Well that is your judgment based on your experience. First of all, there is nothing wrong watching at porn and I believe you are being way too uptight about it. It's a natural thing to watch porn and masturbate as all humans have natural needs. Besides there is difference between not telling you and the truth as they may be ashamed. I don't really understand your argument about why it is wrong to watch porn as long as it is not an addiction.

And thus the argument continues
I could say to you that looking at porn and masturbating is an addiction,and I could pull up material to prove it,but back to the op
This guy wasn't looking at porn and spanking it,he was chatting,he was exchanging info?
Do you still want to defend him?

If it's 'natural" then it would be nothing to be ashamed of, and there would be no reason to hide it.
If it was a "right" thing to do, then why would anyone get upset over it in the first place?
It's not Good and it shows little value in people and respect for the one you love, especially if you are with someone.
And just because it may be "natrual" does not mean it's right. I'm not talking about masturbating.
Lot's of people smoke, but it does't mean it's healthy and that it most definitely wont hurt their body.
It's just like that old saying, "if your friends jumped off a bridge. Would you do it?"

Hush.

Read these and THEN tell me it's "okay"

http://randazza.wordpress.com/2008/01/24/wow-an-intelligent-argument-against-porn/

Citizens Against Pornography (http://citizensap.org/for-spouses/)

"Whether it is disclosed or discovered, learning of a spouse’s pornography consumption and/or online sexual activity is devastating. Many spouses report that finding out about this kind of activity is just as painful, if not more so, than learning of a real-life affair. Subsequently, it is common for an intense range of emotions to follow the disclosure or discovery of online sexual activity. For example, many spouses feel rage, embarrassment, shame, sadness, isolation, loss, confusion, intense hurt, and betrayal. These feelings are normal reactions to very hurtful events that have violated the trust and exclusivity of the relationship, as well as damaged the martial bond on many levels."

Wow, it really seems I have touched a cord into you. From what I read, it seems that one of the major problem that you are having porn is a lack of confidence. It could make sense, men would be looking at porn all the time, imagining what the perfect women should be, and most of the women out there wouldn't come close to that, which hence would create a sense of insecurity.

The truth couldn't be further than that. Male and female have fantasies and more and more women are looking at porn and being more open sexually. I don't see any moral problem with that. Most men understand that what they see in porn films isn't what they want in life, we are not simple animals.

What about concentrating on real cheating and the incredible rate of divorce in modern society? What about spouse abuse? I find there is more pressing problem than porn. The women in the porn industry are paid and most are enjoying themselves, and the men watching it are not hurting anyone. If women don't feel insecure then I would suggest opening up a bit.

This is a heated topic for me. I am a wife of a man who lied and did porn for seven years. Over and over I found out and he lied and I still found out. It was a cycle. I had no problem looking with him or doing whatever he wanted. I am very open minded. But he made the choice to keep a lie and secret. Bad choice. It has put this wedge between us that can never be closed.

I think its an individual choice, porn or not. If men are single well rock on and have a good time in your sites. But when your involved with someone else and there are real feelings involved you need to consider this and how she might feel. Some women may be OK with it while others are not. But it should never be a secret.

If your in a relationship and are visiting dating sites then your just looking and setting yourself up to cheat. That simple. If your happy and love the one your with there would be no "browsing" dating sites.

I think if this was the first offense give him he chance to try again. At least give him the chance. If he fails, well so be it and make the decision to move on.

more and more women are looking at porn and being more open sexually.
.

Than WHEN?
Can you prove that

than WHEN?
can you prove that

Its more socially acceptable now for women to do it then it was years back.

I don't think there needs to be an argument over the rights and wrongs of porn. The thread is for ibupenyu and how she feels and how she should deal with her situation. Maybe you should start a thread of your own on this because I am sure it would be very interesting.

wow, it really seems I have touched a cord into you. From what I read, it seems that one of the major problem that you are having porn is a lack of confidence. It could make sense, men would be looking at porn all the time, imagining what the perfect women should be, and most of the women out there wouldn't come close to that, which hence would create a sense of insecurity.

The truth couldn't be further than that. Male and female have fantasies and more and more women are looking at porn and being more open sexually. I don't see any moral problem with that. Most men understand that what they see in porn films isn't what they want in life, we are not simple animals.

What about concentrating on real cheating and the incredible rate of divorce in modern society? What about spouse abuse? I find there is more pressing problem than porn. The women in the porn industry are paid and most are enjoying themselves, and the men watching it are not hurting anyone. If women don't feel insecure then I would suggest opening up a bit.


You're just rationalizing it. Did you even read those links?

Sex is supposed to be between two people who love each other. It's a very intimate experience. Pornography devalues the intimacy of sex in general, turning it into a casual thing. Sex is special. You don't give it to someone randomly if you have good morals and self respect. Mistakes happen, but to turn it into something that means nothing, means that one can have sex with anyone, even while they're in a relationship, because it isn't special or intimate.
If sex didn't mean naything, no one would be upset when someone they loved had sex with someone else, because it doesn't matter.

You're just rationalizing it. Did you even read those links?

Sex is supposed to be between two people who love eachother. It's a very intimate experience. Pornography devalues the intimacy of sex in general, turning it into a casual thing. Sex is special. You don't give it to someone randomly if you have good morals and self respect. Mistakes happen, but to turn it into something that means nothing, means that one can have sex with anyone, even while they're in a relationship, because it isn't special or intimate.
If sex didn't mean naything, no one would be upset when someone they loved had sex with someone else, because it doesn't matter.

Tried to greenie you again.
Your so right. Porn just puts less value on love and sex. Trust me.
Good answer.

You're just rationalizing it. Did you even read those links?

Sex is supposed to be between two people who love eachother. It's a very intimate experience. Pornography devalues the intimacy of sex in general, turning it into a casual thing. Sex is special. You don't give it to someone randomly if you have good morals and self respect. Mistakes happen, but to turn it into something that means nothing, means that one can have sex with anyone, even while they're in a relationship, because it isn't special or intimate.
If sex didn't mean naything, no one would be upset when someone they loved had sex with someone else, because it doesn't matter.

Let us agree to disagree and put an end to it. I agree with you that sex is something special and it is intimate but I disagree with a wide range of things, such as saying that someone doesn't have morals when they give to someone "randomly" ( in that case you probably mean one nighter ). I also disagrees that porn devalues intimacy of sex. I have my own opinion and you have yours.

Mind you, I am very open minded but I have dated a girl for 3 years and it's the only girl I had sex with. I'm not into one night even though I know I can have them, I have good looks but I would respect the decision of people doing it and I would try not to judge them, because nowadays it is so easy to judge someone else.

Tried to greenie you again.
Your so right. Porn just puts less value on love and sex. Trust me.
Good answer.

Thank you. :)

Tried to greenie you again.
Your so right. Porn just puts less value on love and sex. Trust me.
Good answer.

And you tell me get back to the op.

Five things

1. Why was he seeking these internet dating sites? Perhaps lack of emotional connection w/ you? Ask

2. Are you tolerant of him viewing porn? If not why does he say both are just for fun? Not enough sexual activity going on in the bedroom?

3. How long have you been there? It takes some time to get situated but, thereafter its time you go out and let people know in the area who you are? Make a few loyal friends you can confide in and depend on if your worried about being alone.

4. Was you moving out there, you yielding to the need to be with him? The efoort has to be mutual; it seems as if you up and left everything. WHat has he done for you since then to prove you made the right choice?

5. He needs to be punished. Make sure after discussing what the cause of his behavior is and what not that you don't just forgive and forget. You let him off the hook too easy the first time, as those are serious crimes in a committed relationship.

M a guy and from what I believe I think you should 4give him.. da first question is did you trust him before you found out about his porn site affiliations? If yes den you know that he loves you n it's a part of his fun life to see how many women would love 2 go out with him.. I also m a member of these sites and well my girlfriend doesn't mind because she knows that id neva cheat on her or betray her... we like to test our temptations... if he didn't go out with anyone of them den you should be happy because he didn't cheat on u.. he just didn't tell you because he didn't want 2 hurt your feelings or create a gap in your relationship.. so 4give him.. life is too short and things like this shudnt be a reason to cause a breakup...

m a guy and from wat i believe i think u shud 4give him..da first question is did u trust him before u found out about his porn site affiliations? if yes den u know dat he loves u n its a part of his fun life to see how many women wud love 2 go out wid him..i also m a member of these sites n well my gf doesnt mind cos she knows dat id neva cheat on her or betray her...we like to test our temptations...if he didnt go out wid anyone of them den u shud be happy cos he didnt cheat on u..he just didnt tell u cos he didnt want 2 hurt ur feelings or create a gap in ur relationship..so 4give him..life is too short n things like this shudnt be a reason to cause a breakup...

No Chat speak! It's against the rules of this site.

M = I'm
what = what
u = you
should = should
4give = forgive
da = the
den = then
that = that
n = and
would = would
2 = to
with = with
m again? But this time = am
cos = because
id= I'd
neva = never
anyone = anyone
your = your
shudnt = shouldn't

Your teacher wouldn't let you get away with this and neither will we.

There's no word limit so go crazy, use full words, correct grammar and complete sentences.

Thank you.

Had to spread the rep Alty, but thank you. My eyes hurt reading the OP's post.

Had to spread the rep Alty, but thank you. My eyes hurt reading the OP's post.

Imagine how I felt deciphering it. ;)

[QUOTE=loverboy_RON;1985361]m a guy and from what I believe I think u should 4give him.. da first question is did u trust him before u found out about his porn site affiliations? If yes den u know that he loves u n it's a part of his fun life to see how many women would love 2 go out with him.. I also m a member of these sites n well my girlfriend doesn't mind cos she knows that id neva cheat on her or betray her... we like to test our temptations... if he didn't go out with anyone of them den u should be happy cos he didn't cheat on u.. he just didn't tell u cos he didn't want 2 hurt your feelings or create a gap in your relationship... [/[/COLOR.so 4give him.. life is too short n things like this shudnt be a reason to cause a breakup]QUOTE]


First of all, you made yourself look like an uneducated child with this post.
Second, This post is obnoxiously ignorant.

Let's go to the part I put in red, shall we?
If he knew it would have hurt her feelings then he shouldn't have been doing it in the first place! this is NOT, I repeat NOT a good excuse.

And WHY in GOD'S name would he need to test his temptations "for fun" when he has a girlfriend. If he is testing his temptations with other girls when he has a girlfriend, he might as well be playing with matches with his hands soaked in gasolene! He's going to screw up one of those times and REALLY get burned.

Don't even bother responding to this, there is nothing that you can say to me to try and prove this false. You arguments are just rationalizations and excuses, if he looks bad, then you look bad too. Why wouldn't you defend him? BAH!

Watching porn is actually pretty normal for most men and also going on date site might be part of his porn habit, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or he doesn't have pleasure with you. I think you are a bit too uptight about this situation. If he really cheated on you, then this would be another story.

Actually good guys don't watch porn. I know mine is disgusted by it. Learn to respect and love the woman you are with. Porn puts unrealistic demands into people's minds. It's just gross.

How many times are you going to fool yourself into thinking that he is not cheating on you because he is cheating on you in his mind. They are both same thing. Go find someone else.

If you forgive him now you will forget him again and he will have no respect because he will know that no matter what he does you will always forgive him. No don't forgive him!