Hi, brief detail about how it started. I broke up from an abusive relationship of eight years and the person that assisted me in moving, is the man that I'm currently involved with. We kept in touch innocently, talked as friends, then we just hit it off together falling deeply in love with each other. He caring for me and me feeling cared for. He helped me get over my past relationship which I have tried to for years. He never fell for anyone but his wife and he cares about her a lot. I don't want for them to break up because he is a very genuine person that is very kind and caring. We discussed we can't be together and I'll find someone of my own someday and when it happens we'll still be friends. We can't control our emotions for each other, we have passionate sex and fulfilling talks. I love him for his companionship, his knowledge, his caring and sexually. Yet I don't want him to leave her for me, but sometimes I wish he was never married. I feel a bit confused about our situation. I already know that being involved with a married man is wrong so please don't remind me about laws and stuff like that and I don't want to hear that he is just with me for sex cause it is not like that. Give some good advice please.:confused: :confused:

Read this line until it sinks in:

"I already know that being involved with a married man is wrong so please don't remind me"

Translation: There is NEVER a right time to do a wrong thing. Not ever.
And everything that comes from that is wrong too.
Sorry Marisa but that is how the world works. Please notice where I am from... I invite you to join me there too! :p

Girl, you will get no sympathy here. In fact, I'm sure we'll never see you again once people start posting what they think.

Read this line until it sinks in:

"I already know that being involved with a married man is wrong so please don't remind me"

Translation: There is NEVER a right time to do a wrong thing. Not ever.
And everything that comes from that is wrong too.
Sorry Marisa but that is how the world works. Please notice where I am from..... I invite you to join me there too! :p

I am in the real world but sometimes my emotions draw me elsewhere. I can't control them I let it control me what should I do. I feel that I need to be with someone at all times to be happy or I'll feel very depressed and then I'll call my ex and start all over again.:confused:


Girl, you will get no sympathy here. Infact, I'm sure we'll never see you again once people start posting what they think.

Don't worry that is why I registered to get different opinions. I don't want sympathy from anyone. It is not so much sympathy but just views of others I am looking for some may even base it on their own experiences. I am trying to build a strong stable mind to cope with life outcomes so that I can be able to control my emotions. So let them say!:cool:

I am in the real world but sometimes my emotions draw me elsewhere. I can't control them I let it control me what should I do. I feel that I need to be with someone at all times to be happy or I'll feel very depressed and then I'll call my ex and start all over again.:confused:

I believe you Marisa, and that's called... codependency. Its very real and its very painful and destructive. Just look where its led you! Its where a person is addicted to another person or to having a "love" interest. Some like to hide it behind an exaggerated notion of love but I assure you it is NOT love. And like any addiction its not your fault. But it is your responsibility to do something about it. Here are two paths, both work for people all the time.

Either seek out free help -- read books (Codependency No More, Women Who Love Too Much, etc) and support groups in your areas.

Or seek professional help with it.

Should you read anything and have questions about your recovery from codependency, please feel free to post them under Addictions, the forum that I monitor.

Rarely does anything good come out of a relationship such as yours other than hurt feelings and devastated lives. You were in an abusive relationship and someone comes along and helps you and cares about you and it feels so good and safe that you fall in love. He, on the other hand has been married for a time and loves his wife but after a few years life gets boring and sex is the same. The two of you have a lot to talk about because you have not been talking to each other for years and everything is new. Sex is great because it is new in the relationship. It will all wear off as in all relationships. There has to be more to hold a couple together. He tells you he loves her, at least he is honest. You are going to get hurt and you need to break off the relationship now. It is only going to end up hurting someone and maybe all three. What if his wife finds out? The chances are great she will and she may have an idea now. Do not hurt someone, she is his wife, she loves him, she trusts him.

As for you, you are just out of an abusive relationship, why did you stay so long? 8 years is a long time. For someone to stay in a relationship that long shows some low self esteem issues that you need to deal with before you begin another relationship.. Being with a married man and saying you do not want to hurt his wife or him to leave her is commendable. It shows you think little of yourself to give yourself to someone who can not and is not going to commit to anything more than sleeping with you. Think about it. Tell him you cannot continue with this, you do not want him to leave his wife, you just want to get on with yours. Do not get into another relationship until you know you and love you.
My sister was in a relationship with a married man for 10 years. Her marriage broke up over it. She was never one to cheat, she was sincere. Not making excuses for her, just saying innocent people on both sides get caught up in something that can not possibly turn out good when it starts with deceit for anyone. You & he are being deceitful where his wife is involved. No lecture. Just the truth. By thinking you are not harming her because you do not want him to leave her may sound to you like you are being a good person, but the truth of the matter is, you are hurting her just as much by doing what you are doing and that is not being a good person. I am saying this because I think basically you are a very good person and you are not seeing the whole picture. It just feels good to have someone care for you. You must stop this or you will hurt more than you know.

Life history, so that you might assist me. I was raped when I was eleven which happened for a period of three years by my step-dad. I left my parental home to go to a friend's home where I became involved with her brother when I was fifteen. The person I just broke up with after eight years. Reason when his mom died one and a half year after our relationship he became very abusive physically and emotionally. I became pregnant and he never stopped his abuse he left and went with another girl whom also got pregnant. I left but he made me come back, I went back. He tormented me everyday till I turned to God for help cause I was on the verge of going mad, I prayed. Many times I left but I kept going back and this time I am stronger with the help of God and my friend. What is wrong with me do I need an extra help. Every day I ask God to forgive me and show me the way and I know he will because he has brought me through a lot of torment. I have built a shield around myself, I am afraid to be in a relationship with another man yet I feel as if I need a man. I know that this man is wrong for me but I can't seem to do without him. What is wrong with me!:( :( :o

Ask yourself this question--Will this person ,love and support me above all else?

Your need to contact a support group in your area to help you understand what is happening in your life, what positives changes you can make, to grow with support for people who care.

Just may opinion

Life history, so that you might assist me. I was raped when I was eleven which happened for a period of three years by my step-dad. I left my parental home to go to a friend's home where I became involved with her brother when I was fifteen. The person I just broke up with after eight years. Reason when his mom died one and a half year after our relationship he became very abusive physically and emotionally. I became pregnant and he never stopped his abuse he left and went with another girl whom also got pregnant. I left but he made me come back, I went back. He tormented me everyday till I turned to God for help cause I was on the verge of going mad, I prayed. Many times I left but I kept going back and this time I am stronger with the help of God and my friend. What is wrong with me do I need an extra help. Every day I ask God to forgive me and show me the way and I know he will because he has brought me through a lot of torment. I have built a shield around myself, I am afraid to be in a relationship with another man yet I feel as if I need a man. I know that this man is wrong for me but i can't seem to do without him. What is wrong with me!:( :( :o
Reread this post of yours. This is why you need professional help. There is no shame in that. Its just a shame if you don't get it and continue to create the result in your life that the unhealed woundedness in you is creating. I came from as equally as destructive of a background, very nearly didn't live through it and it took considerable work for me to overcome what I have. I am not completely healed but I know when I need to seek help now and do so. That is why I have answered the way I have-- I really do understand.

What happened to you is not your fault but what you do with it is your choice.

Because you are afraid to be alone. There has been much that has happened to you in your lifetime that you need to deal with and heal from. You have for the first time found someone that is not physically abusing you, but you are allowing him to abuse you in a different way.
With God in your life, you can do whatever you want. He will give you the strenth. Find some female friends to support you and nurture you. You must believe you can do without this man. By saying you can't you are putting that thought in your mind. Yes, you can do without him. You thought for 8 years you could not do without your other man, and wow you are doing find without him now. Just do not replace one man for another. Get some counseling and learn to love yourself and be with yourself. You will never have a good relationship until you can do that. Believe, and have faith and you will win.

What you say is totally true about me and I need help in terms of my low self esteem. I have a son with my ex and I tried many times to be a happy family. I knew his pain and I tried to help him not remembering me. I feel pity and sorry for him so I blamed myself for the abuse that I got. I loved him so much that I would have done anything for him and I know that he loves me but he suffered more than me. I'm not giving excuse for his behavior towards me I know that it was wrong. It seems that over some time he became obsessive and ignorant because of the pain of losing both parents so young. He had no money, no work and a child to take care of, so he reacted in that nature. I forgive him for what he has done to me but I also know that if I return to that relationship as much as I may want to it would not change. I have tried to change him and failed many times. In terms of my new friend, I do feel a need to be loved and I do feel bad considering the circumstances of this. But we are very open with each other we know that it won't have any outcome in the end and we don't want it to. It just already happened, I might not see the whole picture but I just want to be happy. I hope she doesn't find out so we work out ways so that she won't get ideas. Things don't always go right and I'm not proud of what I am doing and neither is he. We are not together for sex because it's not the root of our relationship we are just great friends (that have occasional sex).


Because you are afraid to be alone. There has been much that has happened to you in your lifetime that you need to deal with and heal from. You have for the first time found someone that is not physically abusing you, but you are allowing him to abuse you in a different way.
With God in your life, you can do whatever you want. He will give you the strenth. Find some female friends to support you and nurture you. You must believe you can do without this man. By saying you can't you are putting that thought in your mind. Yes, you can do without him. You thought for 8 years you could not do without your other man, and wow you are doing find without him now. Just do not replace one man for another. Get some counseling and learn to love yourself and be with yourself. You will never have a good relationship until you can do that. Believe, and have faith and you will win.
You are correct about finding someone that is not physically abusing me but how is he abusing me in a different way. I am not unhappy and I understand that we are not in a relationship that will lead to anything. I am happy with the way we are and I don't believe in female friends I only have male friends mainly my brother's friends and cousins that I lime with. I am trying lo learn to love myself and you are right I enjoy being free from the restraint of being in a relationship. I do have faith though, that I will win and become a happy individual with myself and with the world

What you say is totally true about me and I need help in terms of my low self esteem. I have a son with my ex and I tried many times to be a happy family. I knew his pain and I tried to help him not remembering me. I feel pity and sorry for him so I blamed myself for the abuse that I got. I loved him so much that I would have done anything for him and I know that he loves me but he suffered more than me. I'm not giving excuse for his behavior towards me I know that it was wrong. It seems that over some time he became obsessive and ignorant because of the pain of losing both parents so young. He had no money, no work and a child to take care of, so he reacted in that nature. I forgive him for what he has done to me but i also know that if i return to that relationship as much as i may want to it would not change. I have tried to change him and failed many times. In terms of my new friend, I do feel a need to be loved and I do feel bad considering the circumstances of this. But we are very open with each other we know that it wont have any outcome in the end and we don't want it to. It just already happened, I might not see the whole picture but I just want to be happy. I hope she doesn't find out so we work out ways so that she wont get ideas. Things don't always go right and I'm not proud of what I am doing and neither is he. We are not together for sex because it's not the root of our relationship we are just great friends (that have occasional sex).
It doesn't help to sidetrack into other things or rehash all the details that tell the same story Marisa. Can you look into getting yourself some help today? It would be a wise move, I think.

As you see one cannot change another. They have to want to change and then they work hard to make the changes.
You just want to be happy. Are you truly happy now? To me it sounds as though you are not and you are not going to be if you stay in this current position. It does not matter if you are open with each other and know it is not going nowhere. You are being truthful with each other, but your or not being truthful to his wife. Do you not understand how his wife would feel if she found out? Did your X go out on you? If so, how did you feel? It is quite selfish of both of you to seek happines at anothers expense and thinking it is OK because she does not know and he does not want to leave her and you both do not want to see her hurt. That does not make it OK. If he wants to be with you then he should leave his wife. If he does not know what he wants, he should not see you or leave his wife. He is using both of us. You may see it another way, but remember you saw and still make excuses for your X to abuse you. The number one thing you need to tell a counselor when you see one is that you do not see other peoples faults. That can get you in deep trouble.

I do not want to get off on a sermon here. You say you prayed for God's help to get you out of your last relationship and it worked. When you are on the right path God is helping you walk. When you choose your free will and go on another path God watches and waits for you to ask his help to get on the right path again and he will be there. You are not on God's chosen path right now. You are going to stumble, cry and in your heart have no peace because you are wrong. When you decide you want peace in your life and to love yourself again, you will leave this. You cannot have it both ways.

Being in a relationship with a married man is not healthy. I believe when anyone uses another they abuse that person. I cannot believe he is not using both you and his wife. He is telling his wife lies to be with you. He is abusing her trust. Mental abuse can be worse as you do not see scars.

I know that I am/was wrong as much as him and we both understand that, we ask for forgiveness. We discussed that it should not have ended up this way and I am going to end the relationship when it comes to sex, but we are not going to end our friendship. He is a wonderful friend and we will control our feelings for each other sexually. We new what will be the outcome that we will have to go our separate ways one day or the other and it is not hurting me in any way. What is he using me for? can't be sex because I am the one who initializes it. He don't want to but I make him. I am open/searching for new relationships and when I find one I will be able to understand his feelings and actions. What I have learnt in terms of relationships it is part of life to get horn and horn don't get me wrong I am not condoning it. Although I am now, of which I am sorry, in life there are many new experiences that one goes through to learn to be strong.

He's cheat on his wife - he'd cheat on you.

MANY married guys WILL lie, cheat, and steal to sleep with you!! He's just another one of them. You're veryvulnerable AND HE IS TOTALLY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU. He's uisng you. Hook, line, and sinker!!

You don't EVER get involved with this guy until he is DIVORCED and has his OWN place!! No sooner.

This is extremely unhealthy - and you had way too much of that in your life.

Find an Available single guy to fall in love with.

If you want to prevent any heartache when he dumps you in the future because he apparently can't be faithful to his wife, how much do you think that will hurt? He cannot make up his mind, and you are letting yourself get emotionally involved with someone who is using you.

Yes, he is using you. You are a free piece in the sack, dearie. He will surely tell you anything to keep it that way.

It isn't fair to her, and it isn't fair to you because this man can't give you what you need.

And yes, YOU CAN CONTROL IT. Saying that you can't is just a cop out. Get moving out of that farce of a so called friendship (with obvious benefits) before more than your feelings become hurt.


We new what will be the outcome that we will have to go our separate ways one day or the other and it is not hurting me in any way. What is he using me for?, can't be sex because i am the one who initializes it. He don't want to but I make him.

Yes, it is hurting you. Look at your original post.

He is using you, because he knows regardless of his actions you will always be the one initiating sex. And if you have to force him, wouldn't that be rape? Wouldn't that tell you he doesn't want you, period?

I am in the real world but sometimes my emotions draw me elsewhere. I can't control them I let it control me what should I do. I feel that I need to be with someone at all times to be happy or I'll feel very depressed and then I'll call my ex and start all over again.:confused:

1. Don't let your emotions control your rational thinking. It will end up making you look weak and vulnerable... leading you into situations exactly like this one.

2. You shouldn't measure yourself worth by how much you date or who you date. You need to start loving yourself first, before anyone else can.

3. (As said to another poster with a similar question) I seriously suggest you find something else to occupy your time. If you have to sleep with a married man, then you need to treat yourself a little better instead of putting yourself in a situation where you are vulnerable in aspects you SHOULDN'T be.

When you wake up tomorrow morning, look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are MUCH better and worth more than some guy's 'second time around'. Tell yourself that life has much better things to offer than drama, trouble and people who will use you for their own sake.

4. Treat yourself well, and others will too.

5. You will only end up doing what you allow yourself to do.

Well, you've sort of gone from the frying pan into the fire. It's good that you got out of the abusive relationship and it was certainly very kind of this man, married or not, to help you. But, as you already know, it should have stopped right there. You were, and probably still are, very emotionally vulnerable after tolerating this abuse for so long then finally breaking clear of it and felt like you needed someone, anyone, and this man just happened to be available. But. As you've already acknowledged, you cannot continue to be involved with him since he is married. The best thing for you to do now is to have no further contact with him whatsoever. Not because you're being mean, but because you need to work on yourself now and get professional counseling from someone trained and knowledgeable in these situations. You're going to need to do this before you can ever have a successful relationship with someone. Breaking free of the abuse was the first step but now you've got to complete the process.

I know that I am/was wrong as much as him and we both understand that, we ask for forgiveness. We discussed that it should not have ended up this way and I am going to end the relationship when it comes to sex, but we are not going to end our friendship. He is a wonderful friend and we will control our feelings for each other sexually. We new what will be the outcome that we will have to go our separate ways one day or the other and it is not hurting me in any way. What is he using me for?, can't be sex because i am the one who initializes it. He don't want to but I make him. I am open/searching for new relationships and when I find one I will be able to understand his feelings and actions. What i have learnt in terms of relationships it is part of life to get horn and horn dont get me wrong I am not condoning it. Although I am now, of which I am sorry, in life there are many new experiences that one goes through to learn to be strong.

First off, let me say that I know I am going to get some bad rep for this (and frankly I don't care), but it makes me sick (literally) to see people just sugar coat this situation. No one ever hears from wife that is being cheated on... So here goes.

I am sorry Marisa, it is not up to WE to ask for forgiveness. You two are not a WE. He and his wife are WE.

WE are going to end the relationship when it comes to sex, but WE are not going to end the firendship. That is plain old BS!!

Well, here, let me open your eyes. I WAS the wife. I WAS the woman who was married to a man very much like the one you are dating. WE had 2 beautiful sons together.

That woman not only ruined my marriage, but ruined the life of my beautiful sons. I can get over the marriage, but could my children gt over what their father did to their mother? No. That was over 15 years ago, and it still hurts to hear people like you who think you can still have a friendship with the man that you are committing a sin with.

I understand everyone is trying to help you get over this here. But I, for one, am very bitter against any woman who tries to take a husband away from his wife and/or children.

You say you believe in God, right? Well, is this not a SIN? You are committing a sin. Plain and simple.

When I read posts like this all of the memories and pain of being that wife come flooding back.

SHE was a friend, SHE would babysit my boys so that I could go out and have a little freedom. Little did I know that she was having HER freedom with my husband while I was having freedom from bills, fighting, children, and the like.

Again, I am so sorry to be so confrontational. Actually, no I am not... Some people need to hear the cold hard facts of the situation they are creating.

You should move on and never see this man or his family ever again.

Do you understand that if he will not be faithful to his wife he will not be faithful to you?

This is just hard to read, from the wife's point of view. After more than 15 years, hearing women like this still makes me sick to my stomach. My children are ruined because of women who think that they can take the love of another woman's husband.

God? You are kidding right? GOD?!

Their marriage vows are a religious sacrament, he is sinning against GOD!! You think he is serious in asking for forgiveness? NOT, if he wasserious about asking for forgiveness he would be back with his wife right now, in THEIR bed right now asking HER forgiveness.


He is a wonderful friend and we will control our feelings for each other sexually.
Frankly, this is BS!! He is saying that to keep you in the bed when he wants you there. Take it from the wife.


but we are not going to end our friendship.
Well, you might as well keep having sex, cause in the eyes of the WIFE and GOD, there is not much of a difference.

Maria Franklin, you and your married friend seem to both have the compassion of Angels many dream of and there is nothing wrong with being in love with a married man, but you both need to make a decision and decide what's right because if you both love each other the right thing to do is get a divorce and continue to date. There is a misconception of love because many of us don't understand the concept of "True Love" because we may have been physically abused so if there is someone we thought was a dream comes into our life we crave him or her like sugar. However, Maria you may be experiencing (codependent behavior) lonliness, but its okay because we all need someone, but it has to be for the right reasons.

In your original post you said you wanted some good advice. You also said he helped you get over your past relationship as he helped move you out. No, he did not help you get over your past relationship, he replaced the person you were with. You are still as helpless as you were when you were in the bad relationship(certainly not saying this one is good).

You wanted some good advice without attacking you. You have gotten some good advice and reasons not to continue as you are. You have heard from those who have been in your situation and those who have been in the wife's. You still feel you are right. I see that you are saying you are looking at the whole picture but you are definitely not seeing what you are doing to his wife. You skirt that issue. You touch base with it as you do not want to hurt her. Do you not get it? You are hurting her each time you are with her husband. He should be spending that time with her not you. You think what she does not know does not hurt her? That is so NOT true. She is hurt because her husband is not home with her and she is sitting at home alone, lonely want someone to share her time with, someone to hold her. She is sitting waiting because she believes whatever lie he has given her to be with you. You are robbing her of the person she chose to live with. She will find out and the devastation she will feel will be incredible. Her heart will hurt, she will cry like you have many times. She will feel used, betrayed, stupid, abused(Yes abused) heartsick, she will feel her life is over. She will feel she has wasted so much time and wonder how many times he lied to her as she sat home waiting. She will say"What a fool I have been." She will hate you. If there are children involved they will hate you. They will hate their father. They will feel betrayed. THen... depending on the outcome. He will go to her, lie some more and they will get back together. He will hate you. OR she willnot take him back, he will be with you, resentment all around the two of you and he will cheat on you.

Now, I have not attacked you. I have tried to reason with you in other posts. This is reality. You do not want to look at reality. Remember there is the Golden Rule.. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Never, do you steal anything or anyone that it will not be taken from you. Anything gotten at anothers expense will not be blessed.

From here, you make some decisions. Your life is a lie. He lies to her, the two of you lie about sleeping together, you know you will again. You lie to yourself saying it is OK. NO do not say you know it is not OK. If you felt that in your heart, deep in your heart, you would not be there. If you want to live in God's light, you have to be willing to live by All of his rules, not just a few select ones.

I agree K-3, she is "helpless" and choosing to perpetuate that helplessness by using her "victim status" as justification. It's a sick, vicious circle she constructed. This is what living in your own confused head instead of reality yields. She needs professional help a thousand times more than she is aware of. Denial = don't even notice I am lying (to myself). I hope for her sake and the sake of others that she wakes up and smells the coffee (takes appropriate actions) one day. Pain and damage continue to follow in her wake otherwise.

I agree K-3, she is "helpless" and choosing to perpetuate that helplessness by using her "victim status" as justification. Its sick vicious circle she constructed. This is what living in your own confused head instead of reality yields. She needs professional help a thousand times more than she is aware of. Denial = don't even notice I am lying (to myself). I hope for her sake and the sake of others that she wakes up and smells the coffee (takes appropriate actions) one day. Pain and damage follow in her wake otherwise.
I couldn't rep you, but I can quote you. I read this post and it is so heart-breaking to see the results of a human being so abused that they can no longer see reality or help themselves. The bad part is she is still being abused and thinks her friend is her savior. This ,folks is so sad and all we can do is sit by and watch as she just lives in her own head as the abuse continues and is sure to spread and affect others who have no choice(kids) and those who will be abused by this abuser.(Yes she is at this point an abuser). The only thing I can suggest is a collective prayer for her to get help and break this vicous cycle.

She is living in a illusion of what she sees as reality. She has had so many problems in her life she does not know what love really is. She just wants someone to care about her that does not physically beat her. There are many other means of abuse. She is abusing herself and does not have a clue. I am not candy coating what is happening. I am being real. As Val said she needs serious counseling. Yes,Tal, a good prayer for her and his wife is all we can do. She has heard enough, if none of it sinks in now, when she is sitting crying because all has fallen apart and she is thinking of going back to the X because she cannot be alone, I hope she rereads all of this again and it may sink in. I pray she gets counseling.

I agree K-3, she is "helpless" and choosing to perpetuate that helplessness by using her "victim status" as justification. Its a sick, vicious circle she constructed. This is what living in your own confused head instead of reality yields. She needs professional help a thousand times more than she is aware of. Denial = don't even notice I am lying (to myself). I hope for her sake and the sake of others that she wakes up and smells the coffee (takes appropriate actions) one day. Pain and damage follow in her wake otherwise.

Could not rep you, here's your excellent

Please, please get counseling.

And end it with the married guy. He's just another user.

Valinors Sorrow and J 9 you are both right, but the reason for a married man cheathing could be several reason and his cheating may not have anything to do with sex. His relationship may not be what it use to be 9 years ago and if so he needs to have a better communication with his wife and let her know how he feels and he needs to make a logical decision by remaining married or getting a divorce.

Well - he has to DIVORCE FIRST!! Before you ever get involved!!

Valinors Sorrow and J 9 you are both right, but the reason for a married man cheathing could be several reason and his cheating may not have anything to do with sex. His relationship may not be what it use to be 9 years ago and if so he needs to have a better communication with his wife and let her know how he feels and he needs to make a logical decision by remaining married or getting a divorce.

I think the man is irrelevant here and the issue is her staying in a relationship with a married man , that is her problem an unhealthy relationship.

Way to go J_9.
I'm so with you on this one.
Yes you have had it tough. Ansd yes that is unfortunate.

But don't justify this disgraceful act you are committing here because of it. And don't for aminute think you or him are good people. At the moment you aren't. You can be a good person but leaving him and fnding help and we will all give you the support and credit when / if you do. I promise you that.

But he isn't a good and loving and compassionate man. If he was he wouldn't even think twice about you.

He is a lying cheating pig.

Again, I can't feel the sligtest bit of sympathy for you. All my sympathy at the moment is tied up elsewhere... At his wife and kids place!

My heart goes out to you. Being raped for three years beginning at age 11 is an unbelieveably heavy load to carry. All the relationships you've been in since then, including the present one, reflect the damage done by that original crime. The most important advice you have gotten here is to get professional help. There may be people who could recover from what you've suffered without extensive counselling, but it's more than most of us could do on our own. The brave and intelligent thing to do is stop seeing the married cheater and get help immediately. A couple of things you've said caught my attention:


I am happy with the way we are and I dont believe in female friends I only have male friends


I am open/searching for new relationships and when I find one I will be able to understand his feelings and actions.

At this stage in your healing, I think it will be impossible for you to have a relationship with a man that won't be terribly distorted by your history. You need female friendship and support to help you put yourself together to the point where you have the inner strength necessary as the basis for a healthy relationship with a man. Find a female counsellor. Make some (preferably older) women friends. Take a break from men for at least six months, preferably a year or more. That may sound like an intolerable sacrifice, but if you don't do it, it will probably be much longer than that before you can do anything more than repeat the unhealthy patterns of your past.

I seem to be misunderstood when I made the statement of the friends I prefer, men not meaning sexual partners. In my life I have had only one consensuous sexual partner (my son's father) and now the second. These friends are my buddies, my cousions, co-workers and such. Females are to touchy and dramatic I can't stand it. I see I have been hated and cursed by you all. The whole notion is that I leave this married man. Here's my take
We are friends and nothing is going to change it, he has problems and so do I.
We don't have sex now because I took a few of your advice and guess what it didn't change anything. Everything is not just only about sex. The friendship that we have is not based on him using me (for sex or anything), he's just compelled to help me and didn't want anything to happen for me. There is people out there who'll truly care for someone. I am though sorry that we became sexually connected and he feel that way to. I can call on him for anything not only materially but emotionally. For the wife who thinks she is hurt maybe you should have given your husband more attention than only study bills and whatever they feel tired to and you probably stressed him. Not condoning his actions but sometimes men feel pain and they don't show it as a woman might or can. They feel ashamed to so if someone else sees this they might draw to that action and want the warmth and love of another.

You have not been hated and cursed by all here. Reread the posts.

I know physically abused women feel they deserve the punishment and that it is their fault, that is why they stay in the abusive relationship. They often go from one to another.
I see you have more empathy for men than you do women. You can justify what a man does, but women are touchy and dramatic. Is that how you see yourself? You are a woman. You are not unique. Not all women are touchy and dramatic. Just as not all women have abusive relationships. Every person is different, to lump them all into one category is absurd.

Val was right on when she said you needed an older woman in your life, women are nurturing and caring and thoughtful.

I can see you will say and do anything to justify what you are doing. If in fact, it is an innocent relationship, invite his wife to dinner with you, will you have a topic of conversation then? The three of you could all be friends IF this is all innocent.

I feel I have said all I have to say on any of this subject. You are not hearing anything anyone is saying. You are reading that we are all condeming you. No, we just care about a person we did not know that asked for help. You had some very understanding answers, read them. Yes, you had some that were not, that is what this site is all about. You seem to see the nonunderstanding and say "all of you", just as your mother was non caring, so all women are dramatic and touchy. I think you are dramatic and touchy about these answers.
If you stay with this forum, I will read in a few weeks or months you asking for help to get over this man. Til then, good luck.

Yes I can sit and have dinner with the wife but for what reason. I can't face her I will feel worse than I already have felt. So because this man is married I cannot be friends with him. I have tried to reach out to older women (my aunts, cousins, friends, mothers) but I feel a sense of insecurity and jealousy within them when it comes to there men. I don't know why but I always experienced that. I don't even study there men but there men study me and they want to get involved so I usually stay away. Same on my job the older women refrain from me because all the men might be attracted to me and I don't know why. I try to make them my friends but they are always staring and making comments to others. I prefer my own age group to be my friends. I have girlfriends but I just prefer to lime with my brother and my/his boyfriends. I am not saying all women are like that but mostly the older ones.

I really don't think this is about jealousy or fidelity or fear . This is about a very unhealthy person ,sick if you will, and in need of help. Until the steps are taken to at least seek help to get healthy, then your whole life and all it touches will be tainted by the sickness you will spread. Get HELP and stop trying to convince everryone how hard your life is. Isn't that why you're here on this site?

You really do need some help. I used to model (not professionally) and took some beauty contests and had people that did not know me tell me how beautiful I was. I still get comments now that I am older. I have always believed it was more the love inside me towards others that brought that about. Every place I have worked, I have gotten along with my female co-workers. Older and younger. I have gotten along with the males there also. Some of the men became friends with my husband and I. I do not know how you conduct yourself that every female does not like you. I really feel you need some help. I do know women who were sexually abused as a child have issues on how they deal with men. You may be quite flirtatious with them and not know it. There has to be a reason for their acting that way. OR you are imagining it. That is such a cop out.

Every in the world is one way or the related to you. The food you take is grown by somebody who is not related to you or he is related to you? I hope you understand the importance of being a human being. The time (may be 0.000000000000001 % - please calculate for your self) we spend on sex is not at all significant in our lives. Try to do justice for taking birth as a human being.

Be independent. Do something for the less fortunate.

You do not need a man to abuse you in this relationship - you are abusing yourself. Yes, this comes from a history of low self esteem, bad choices (based on low self esteem), things out of your control such as being raped and then being subjected to both physcial and verbal abuse... but do you see where the buck has to stop NOW? For yourself and for your children - your children will adopt the same behaviors as you because that is what they see as normal. You want this cycle to repeat and repeat and repeat, because it has and it will. That is why the other respondents have said - very well - that you are in serious need of a good therapist, one who is experienced in issues with co-dependency, self-destructive behavior, and self esteem. Even contacting a women's shelter for advice would be helpful, as they would know of professionals.
You really do need to stay away from this man you say you are in love with. I can understand why you love him - he was kind, caring, generous with his time and affection and emotionally supportive. But he is married! And not to you. That is not healthy, not healing, not supportive of constructive change for you.
I had a life of co-dependent behavior, I am what professionals call an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) and have all the scars to prove it. Married someone just like my Mom and spent another 23 years in much the same relationship, just traded the gender. When I finally developed the insight as to the reasons I behaved the way I did and the responses I had to what was done to me, it did not take me long to make the changes. But the first step was a long one and most difficult, because admitting that I enabled others to continue in their horrid treatment was near impossible to admit. But I had to start healing. I still continue to heal, and it has been 6 years since the divorce. We are all works in progress. Thankfully, the Lord understands it all.
I truly wish you the best of all things - put yourself first for once and make a commitment to be healthy in body, mind, and soul.

I think you need to take a year away from men... seriously... Learn to do all the htings you relied on men for, change your water, learn to do an il change, open your own jar... take a whole year away it will not be easy... do not seek a relationship, instead all the time you would sepnd with a wman sepnd with professioanl help and in the word of God. Get a new hobbie one that doens consist of some other wowmans man. Or else find some woman and man in ne of those open relatiponships... still bnot a great idea...
But seriosuly for you just take one year... if you can't go a year then 6 months but seriously after 8 years of dependcy you need a year by yourself with just friends not the married man of learning to things yoruself, learning to live by yourself sleep by yourself. etc.

Hi everyone,

This is marisa, long time no hear, ehh, but I have some good news. First of all I would like to thank all of you who have made comments and given advice. It was all very appreciated. I have found God in my life, I have dumped the married man three months ago, lost all strings from him. I have found a God sent helper who I am going to marry in the next 6mths. He is studying to be a pastor, his dad and mom are pastors and they have accepted me as there own daughter. I am given love, counselling, prayer and hope for a brighter and better future. I am so happy that I have forgotten you all but today. He is three years older than me, kind, gentle, single, ambitious and has a calling on his life to fulfill the purpose of God and I have to counsel and spread Gods word. I have never given up on God and he has brought me up and away from all evil and unrighteousness. And I leave you with a word of hope that God is most merciful and a forgiving God and he will take away your fears, burdens and tribulations, once you accept him as your lord and saviour, no man can put asunder, and your life will be fruitful in his word do I pray and praise. God bless and thank you very much. Faith is the substance of things not seen nor heard and victory is mine today because I choose God and he answered my prayer.

Good for you. I am so glad you are on a good healthy path for yourself. Good Luck and God bless.

Glad to hear things have worked out for you. Best wishes!

Hi, brief detail about how it started. I broke up from an abusive relationship of eight years and the person that assisted me in moving, is the man that I'm currently involved with. We kept in touch innocently, talked as friends, then we just hit it off together falling deeply in love with each other. He caring for me and me feeling cared for. He helped me get over my past relationship which I have tried to for years. He never fell for anyone but his wife and he cares about her alot. I dont want for them to break up because he is a very genuine person that is very kind and caring. We discussed we can't be together and I'll find someone of my own someday and when it happens we'll still be friends. We can't control our emotions for each other, we have passionate sex and fulfilling talks. I love him for his companionship, his knowledge, his caring and sexually. Yet I don't want him to leave her for me, but sometimes I wish he was never married. I feel a bit confused about our situation. I already know that being involved with a married man is wrong so please don't remind me about laws and stuff like that and I don't want to hear that he is just with me for sex cause it is not like that. Give some good advice please.:confused: :confused:
I know love can happen at the weirdest time, are you sure this is love, or rebound? If this man is married and he tells you that you are not going to be with him, that sucks, if you are still living together I would move out, you need to realize you don't need a man to make you feel good about you, I have been in abusive relationship myself and it took me the same lesson to learn. There is a man out there who will love and commit to you and only you, you are to good to be another women. Get counseling and remember this before you continue and affair with this married man. What if you were his wife? (and he was doing this to you.)

Hi, brief detail about how it started. I broke up from an abusive relationship of eight years and the person that assisted me in moving, is the man that I'm currently involved with. We kept in touch innocently, talked as friends, then we just hit it off together falling deeply in love with each other. He caring for me and me feeling cared for. He helped me get over my past relationship which I have tried to for years. He never fell for anyone but his wife and he cares about her alot. I dont want for them to break up because he is a very genuine person that is very kind and caring. We discussed we can't be together and I'll find someone of my own someday and when it happens we'll still be friends. We can't control our emotions for each other, we have passionate sex and fulfilling talks. I love him for his companionship, his knowledge, his caring and sexually. Yet I don't want him to leave her for me, but sometimes I wish he was never married. I feel a bit confused about our situation. I already know that being involved with a married man is wrong so please don't remind me about laws and stuff like that and I don't want to hear that he is just with me for sex cause it is not like that. Give some good advice please.:confused: :confused:
What K_3 said was perfect and in the right words.
Let me tell you, this is my first answer to a post, since I don't like to read much into people's problem but scanning through yours , It got me.

I'm not the best to advice, but you might find helpful I'm in a deeper situation like yours, but the abusive part.
I understood everysingle one of the bad of being with a married man, but when you get involved it's hard to break it. When I finnally took the courage to put an end to this I found out I was pregnant! Yes... never happened before and then,it happened even thoug I took my precaucios. I was sad, but I'm taking the responsibility and he's too with this child that I love already.

Now, what does have to do with you? This can happen to you too! I could have avoided all this if I would have acted 15 days ahead.

Still, I'm in your position, and this K-3 user said the right words!
You're on time to free yourself of a confusive situation. He was there to help you when you needed it, now, you're fine and need to get your own life together and love yourself before you get involved with someone else.
I would like you to do what I didn't on time.

Best wishes

Did anyone read where she broke it off with the married man and has moved on to better things?

Yumita, Take the time to read before you respond, and if you have a life, good, that's not the point. And you can give me all the disagreements you want, just make sure you are making sense when you post. I know you're pregnant and not in a great mood but at least find out how to use this site so we can all benefit. Think how you would feel if the posters didn't read your whole post before they gave you an answer. Be fair.

I think if he love's you and you love him, then maybe you two should be together. He obiously doesn't love his wife alllll that much if he is having sex and loves someone else--also if he want's to leave... stop contact for awhile. He needs to explain things to his wife. Truthfully. Their relationship isn't as good as yours and sorry but everyone that is sad. So, I'd stay off for awhile and have him talk to his wife, and come out straight, honesty is best!

Why don't you all just answer the damn question. LOL... its not about you!!

Hi everyone,

this is marisa, long time no hear, ehh, but I have some good news. First of all I would like to thank all of you who have made comments and given advice. it was all very appreciated. I have found God in my life, I have dumped the married man three months ago, lost all strings from him. I have found a God sent helper who I am going to marry in the next 6mths. He is studying to be a pastor, his dad and mom are pastors and they have accepted me as there own daughter. I am given love, counselling, prayer and hope for a brighter and better future. I am so happy that I have forgotten you all but today. He is three years older than me, kind, gentle, single, ambitious and has a calling on his life to fulfill the purpose of God and I have to counsel and spread Gods word. I have never given up on God and he has brought me up and away from all evil and unrighteousness. And I leave you with a word of hope that God is most merciful and a forgiving God and he will take away your fears, burdens and tribulations, once you accept him as your lord and saviour, no man can put asunder, and your life will be fruitful in his word do I pray and praise. God bless and thank you very much. Faith is the substance of things not seen nor heard and victory is mine today because I choose God and he answered my prayer.
Just so the facts can come to light! Post #40

Im tired of all these dam women saying they with married men. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH You?? I can't believe that after you knew he was married you stayed. That says very little about your personality. Obviously you have NO self esteem if you know that he is and you STILL are with him. The anger when you found out should have been enough energy to leave him. You are just stupid 4 staying with him. Why would he leave his wife if he got her cooking and taking care of his home and getting free sex from you when ever he want to on the side? Please girl. You are just going to get yo heart broken. I hope when you marry the same thing happens to you. But I hope you find out. Maybe then it would give you and idea of how his wife would feel if she had proof. I HOPE SHE WHOOPS YO AZZ!

I can honestly tell you, its no fun being number 2 in a man's life. If he cheats on her, what makes you think he won't cheat on you. When an individual goes through a tough time in their life, they look for comfort. They don't realize that they may be looker for comfort in the wrong places. I don't fault you. I fault him because he saw that you were weak and he took advantage of you. You are better than that to have be put on the back burner for anybody. Trust in God to help you through and be your companion. He can't be your companion being a married man.

MsTaylor, this post is from October and this lady has moved on since then. This is one reason why it is good to check the date of the post prior to answering.