My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months. We both believe in being honest in our relationship so whenever one of us has a question we just ask. The other day I was playing around saying how I couldn't date a girl that had been in a 3some she then told me how she had been in a 4some (2guys 2girls). She told me they were all "friends" and got really messed up one night and it just happened. Now this happened way before me but me being a guy and knowing how guys think I know she got suckered into it. We have been together this long and none of those "friends" ever call her. Basically my dilemma is should I be bothered by this or should I let the past be the past? It really bugs the hell out of me for some reason

If it was before you, it has nothing to do with you. So leave it alone. Nothing good can come of bringing it up.

If you've been together for 6 months can we assume you've both been tested for all the nasty things? If yes and you're both clean then it's over. If not, then go.

You should get over it.

She can't change her past--and would you really want her to? Her past made her into the woman you love today.

If you CAN'T get over it, then better to move on now, because you certainly can't CHANGE that it happened.

Being honest is all well and good, but aside from talking about possible problems and hangups that may have resulted from previous encounters (rape, molestation), and whether activities may have given an increased chance for STDs, then the past should stay in the past.

NEITHER of you needs to know the details of the other's previous sex life.

NEITHER of you needs to know the details of the other's previous sex life.

I agree with everything you said but this, I think that if they are being sexually intimate together they should share some details, as in what they enjoy/dont enjoy. They shouldn't have to go into detail like with who it was but maybe how many partners they have had. These topics however Are on a need to know basis, but if they are willing to tell each other stuff like this then it shouldn't matter. But I would say a just in case STD check should be in order.

The reason I say no details is because anyone who IS fixated on the details is looking for a reason for the relationship to fail.

For example: My husband knows that before I met him, I had sex in a canoe. He doesn't know when that was, or how old I was, or which previous boyfriend it was. I wouldn't tell him the rest of those things if he asked.

Some people (ESPECIALLY guys) get caught up on that whole number thing, too. As in--they're okay with 1 or 2, but freak out about 7 previous partners for their partner.

Ahhh I understand, fair enoughh

There's a difference between being curious about things someone has done in the past, to being paranoid about the past.

Everyone has some sort of a past, accept it, it's not a big deal. She's with you now so it doesn't matter at all really. Enjoy!

Everything has been said. It's the past for a reason. She is who she is because of her past and if you love her then would you really want her to change anything? I don't think so. Get over it, move on. She was honest, that should stand for something right?

I see it this way. If you claim to value honesty in your relationship, and she revealed these details to you, in all good faith... then you just have to wear it.

As other posters have said - it's in the past and that's where it should remain. It can't be undone.

What I would however be asking, if I were you, is why it bothers/bugs you so much. It actually says something about you, not about her.

Think about it and let it go.

You guys are right. I will get past it. The only reason I was bothered by it was the fact that this was something I didn't want one of my girlfriends to have done. Almost like a list of things people know they can't stand ex. Someone who smokes.. this would be easy to spot within the first week of dating someone but a 4some? I feel bad because yes it was before me but its one of those things that only people who have been in that situation could truly understand

I know that sometime us men get caught up in the number game but for a woman that just turned 23 having slept with 31 people considered average or above?

i know that sometime us men get caught up in the number game but for a woman that just turned 23 having slept with 31 people considered average or above?

Again, if the tests come out clean, what does it matter?

i know that sometime us men get caught up in the number game but for a woman that just turned 23 having slept with 31 people considered average or above?

Who cares? Clearly you do.

The reason I say no details is because anyone who IS fixated on the details is looking for a reason for the relationship to fail.

For example: My husband knows that before I met him, I had sex in a canoe. he doesn't know when that was, or how old I was, or which previous boyfriend it was. I wouldn't tell him the rest of those things if he asked.

Some people (ESPECIALLY guys) get caught up on that whole number thing, too. As in--they're okay with 1 or 2, but freak out about 7 previous partners for their partner.

A canoe? Seriously? OK, leaving that alone, now.

Back to the OP. as everyone has already said, let it go. It happened before you were together, so it doesn't matter anymore. She can't change it and it's not fair for you to let it effect your relationship. It doesn't sound like it's something she's planning on repeating, so it's none of your business.

I may get some criticism on this, however honesty is one thing and valued but I feel that some things are better just not known or said.

There are some things that you just have to let go... this is one of them... there will be plenty more in the future. Life is too short to dwell on things you can't change without time travel. Focus on things you do have control over and on the future.

Surely you have done something you aren't proud of... we all have. Let it go.

you guys are right. i will get past it. the only reason i was bothered by it was the fact that this was something i didnt want one of my girlfriends to have done. almost like a list of things people know they can't stand ex. someone who smokes.. this would be easy to spot within the first week of dating someone but a 4some? i feel bad because yes it was before me but its one of those things that only people who have been in that situation could truly understand

I can't speak from your perspective, but I can speak from the other side of a situation like this.

I've had a threesome. It was completely consensual and with 2 of my best friends. I wasn't talked or tricked into it. It was the only time I've slept with either if them.

About a year after that I was in a serious, committed, monogamous relationship. The fact that I'd been part of a threesome had no effect on my relationship. It was merely a part of my sexual history. I told him that it'd happened, but saw no reason to give details. In the end it was none of his business.

As far as how many people she's been with bothering you, I'd like to give you something to consider. I knew a woman who's 'number' had topped 300 before she turned 30. If her partners could get past that, surely you can get past 31. As long as she's been tested and come back clean, I don't think it should matter if she's slept with 3 or 31 or 300.

If you really care about her you won't let something that petty ruin your relationship. If you truly can't get past it, then you obviously don't care about her that much and it's time to end the relationship.

but a 4some? i feel bad because yes it was before me but its one of those things that only people who have been in that situation could truly understand

Are you upset because she had a multi-partner sexual encounter or that you haven't?

Is it the possibility that she has more experience than you do? Are you afraid of not being experienced enough to keep her satisfied?

The days of the man having all the knowledge in sexual matters are long gone. It is very permissible for the woman to teach the man what she knows and likes. There is something though that only you can teach/show her: what your body likes. All women aren't the same and neither are all men.

If the test came back positive what do I do? Is it right to break up her giving me an std without knowing she had it? Or do I just stay knowing that she has already infected me? And yes that would mean her past caught up with me

If she had an STD, most cases she should have known it. Some people can carry Herpes with no symptoms...

I'd consider an active STD as a deal breaker. Just my personal thought on the topic.

if the test came back positive what do i do? is it right to break up her giving me an std without knowing she had it? or do i just stay knowing that she has already infected me? and yes that would mean her past caught up with me


You deal with that problem when you have the result..

Your borrowing trouble.



But its not just the possible STD that is bothering you,it's the fact she had a past,we all do of some discription,and you can't deal with it.

You would be lucky if she did not give you your marching orders,and find a man who will accept what past is past.

Redhead35 I don't think you understand its not a possible std. The test came in positive. I got tested before we got together and was clean. She went to her annual pap and when she got the results from the blood work it came back positive for herpes she had giving me it without her knowing she had it. I know everyone has a past but come on!

I read the posts,I must have missed it..
I'm not sure how it works,but can herpes lie dormant?

Really at the end of the day its up to you.

We can only read and go on what you write,only you know the woman you are with,if you love her or not..

If you want the relationship to work,you can move on from this,if its causing you sleepless night and too much hassel,end it. Walk away.

Everyone makes bad choices in their lives. She told you, and apparently is not please by the behavior. Let it go, it can't be helped, and it was before you. I'm sure she's disgusted with erhself, wheterhsheh openly shows it or not. Don't make her feel worse about it by holding it against her. You weren't in the picture. She needs your support in this, do this by letting it go. It will be much healthier for your relationship.

redhead35 i don't think you understand its not a possible std. The test came in positive. i got tested before we got together and was clean. she went to her annual pap and when she got the results from the blood work it came back positive for herpes she had givin me it without her knowing she had it. I know everyone has a past but come on!!

I take it this is a new development?

When were you tested? When did you get the results from your test? What type of herpes was she diagnosed with?

Before when you mentioned 31 encounters I wondered if you were trying to get us to condemn her for what she has done in the past. It almost seems like you are adding "details" to make your "side" of the story more empathetic.

Well crap, I didn't read about the STD.
She should have at least been tested after her "encounter" before she became active with you. But dang, she had no idea. I'm sure she never wanted you to get an STD. If she had known, I think she would have told you that too.

NOT getting tested for an STD after every partner could be giving a death sentence to your NEXT partner.

The fact that either she wasn't tested, or wasn't positive about the testing would be a deal breaker for me. It's one thing to keep your details to yourself. It's another thing entirely to KNOWINGLY not be as safe as you can be with your current partner.

I take it this is a new development?

When were you tested? When did you get the results from your test? What type of herpes was she diagnosed with?

Before when you mentioned 31 encounters I wondered if you were trying to get us to condemn her for what she has done in the past. It almost seems like you are adding "details" to make your "side" of the story more empathetic.

Cat, I agree. First it was the 4-some, then it was 31 partners, now it's an STD - herpes. Um, Mr X, what's going on?

Have there been any symptoms of herpes, such as blisters - either on the mouth or the genitals? There are 2 types of herpes and one typically affects the lips and mouth and the other the genitals. (although they can infect each other) A blood test will bring up both, so you will need to clarify which it is.

See this extract from the internet:

The herpes blood test looks for antibodies to the virus that your immune system would have made when you were infected. The second type of herpes simplex virus, HSV-2, almost always infects the genitals, so if antibodies to HSV-2 are detected in your blood, you probably have genital herpes. A blood test that shows antibodies to the other type of herpes virus, HSV-1, means you could have genital or oral herpes. That's because oral herpes, typically caused by HSV-1, can be spread to the genitals during oral sex.

To confuse things even further, some people carry the antibody but never get the actual symptoms...

So, I'm not actually sure what's going on with you Mr X, but if your story is true, I'd be clarifying a few things before I started throwing stones or hissy fits.

It was her responsibility to get tested after every partner and she shirked that responsibility, if someone did it to me, it would be a definite deal breaker.

Thank you everyone for your advice. It has really helped a great deal. As far as making the story up that is ridiculous seeing that I've been a member of askmehelp desk since 2005