I am a new member looking for some idea's.

I have been married for 17 years with 1 daughter of 16 years.

About a year ago I started having an affair with a gentleman. We were not what I call dating, we never had dinner out, never went to the movies, never seen in public together. We were sometimes lucky to share a DQ in a park far from home town. Most of the time we were in the car or hidden away somewhere to see each other for a moment "peice of heaven" he called it.

My husband found out about it going on 4 months ago. At first he was into me, couldn't get enough of me. This lasted about 2 weeks. Then wow the anger set in at times turning to rage. He's never raised a hand to me but at times I did feel like he might. The month through August it has gotten quieter but extremely distant from me more and more.

I know he's hurt, mad, angry, sad, depressed, I could go on. But at the same time I feel like he being a martyr.

The reasons for the affair are actually not important because I've been told there is no good reason or excuse. I do however feel he had something to do with how I got there to make my decision.

He actually is doing so many things that would fall into the category of someone having an affair himself or going through midlife crisis. He's got a really good relationship with a single neighbor really "HOT" (we think she use to be a stripper) she's a single mom now age 27. We are all 3 great friends. She claims she won't do anything with my husband because she has a love of 3 years (which appears to be bootie call only relationship). At any rate he's been going to bars with her, helping her at her house with stuff (because she doesn't have a man around), seen with her at restaurants in our home town.

I just think this is something nearly close to an affair just without the sex. If he could he'd be in her pants.

He is using what I did as an excuse for his behavior, and he's given up on our hobby as a family, which is disturbing to our daughter.

When I was seeing my friend, I never left my responsibilities at home, still kept house, cooked, cleaned, laundry, lawncare, full time job outside the home, daughter responsibilities running everywhere. Never left them home wondering where I was after work or anything. I never saw my friend when I knew my family was home. Therefore, we really didn't see each other that often but when we did even for 15 minutes it was like a weeks worth of time in a little bottle, with not even sex involved all the time. He was always glad to see me. Oh, by the way he's married too of 25 years 2nd time and miserable of course that's why he found me. We were simply drawn together.

He is expecting me to do all the coming on to him only. He is not advancing me at all. He is not paying attention to me at, these things are what he did before I had the affair and now he's doing them 10x worse.

This is a lot for my first message but I need some help. I know what I did was wrong, I take full responsibility for my actions. I Love my husband and I want to stay with him but his anger is driving me further away.

Help discouraged.

Hey! Sorry I really won't be much help here but I want you to know that your not the only one in that boat! I am too!

All I try to do everyday is make the best decisions with the information I have.

Hey! Sorry I really won't be much help here but I want you to know that your not the only one in that boat! I am too!

All I try to do everyday is make the best decisions with the information I have.

Hi Noah, are you the injured party?

Are you the injured party Noah?

You need to have a serious discussion about what the future holds for the two of you,if anything.

You can't maintain this limbo and from this vantage point,I would say he is being unfaithful with the neighbor.At least emotionally.

Fixing something in the house and going to a bar together,is a huge leap.

That is outside of any boundary I would allow.
That is a date.Dining out is a date.

You need to ask yourself how long you are willing to be punished for your cheating?

I would tell him,the game stops here and if he can't or won't accept your apology and move on to heal the marriage,I would rethink the marriage.

Although our neighbor is a good friend to both of us, I'm not the one going to the bar with her or having dinner with her. I agree and have said that very thing about his emotional affair with her is a form of cheating. He will retort and say its no way the same, there's no sex. She does have a boyfriend but it is believed to be bootycall only type of relationship so therefore I think she's having a relationship as friends/emotional with my husband that she doesn't have with her boyfriend of 3 years. I am finding myself getting jealous of her and I don't want to be. I'm sure if I said anything to her she would pull away and then my husband would be mad at me more for him losing a friend. He actually commented last night he'd rather lose me before her. I guess that really answers my question about marriage recovery.

He actually commented last night he'd rather lose me before her. I guess that really answers my question about marriage recovery.
That's a pretty heavy statement and I am sure you must be wondering if it is coming from a place of anger and retaliation or if he is sincere.
Either way,if it is retaliation,it is time to stop playing games and make a decision.
Clearly,you messed up but two wrongs don't make a right and if he isn't cheating now,he is headed into very dangerous territory.
I do not like to give ultimatums but sometimes it is a necessary evil.
I would say ,this ends now,make a choice us and our marriage because you are not going to punish me until the end of time.

I know I messed up. I've asked him for forgiveness, he claims he will not forgive me. I've asked my Lord for foregiveness I know I have that. My 16 year old daughter has forgiven me. I've taken ownership for my mistake, yet every time I try to talk about why's he says I'm trying to justify my actions. I say no that isn't what I mean. I made my choice from the way I was treated at home for 17 years and every time I felt like calling off my outside friendship then we would have some great battle and would send me off to him again.

Artlady, have you been in this situation before?

I know I messed up. I've asked him for forgiveness, he claims he will not forgive me. I've asked my Lord for foregiveness I know I have that. My 16 year old daughter has forgiven me. I've taken ownership for my mistake, yet every time I try to talk about why's he says I'm trying to justify my actions. I say no that isn't what I mean. I made my choice from the way I was treated at home for 17 years and everytime I felt like calling off my outside friendship then we would have some great battle and would send me off to him again.

Artlady, have you been in this situation before?

I have been on the receiving end of an extra marital affair.

He cheated,he was actually one of those serial cheaters.

I tried to forgive but I truly could not.The first time yes,even the second time but the third time ,I just could not forgive anymore.

Despite some valiant effort on my part,I might add.

Not everyone can ever feel that bond again,despite great effort.

He is my eldest sons father and so we are in touch,somewhat.

He recently began an affair on his wife of 25 years,so he hasn't changed much.
He was also dating my neighbor many years ago.
I have no regrets.I got a great son out of the deal and I have been with my BF for 12 yrs.and I have trust and we respect each other.

The bottom line is I don't think he is willing to even make an attempt at forgiving you because then he would not be able to justify his on going attraction/emotional affair with the neighbor.

Basically,forgiving you would spoil his fun!

He is punishing you and he needs to understand ,you have already been punished.

I do not like to tell people to give up their marriage but unless he is willing to go to counseling with you,I think your relationship surviving this looks very bleak.

We went to about 8 sessions of counseling of which was futile. He dominated every session, his anger was enormous and the counselor told him that his anger will now destroy us. It has only been about 4 months since found out so maybe I'm asking too much to soon. But he's concentrating more on revenge then recovery of us. He just turned 40 in February and I think this has been a good excuse for him to have a midlife crisis and blame it on me.
You know the counselor and I had 1 session alone. She said "you are a strong woman to put up with his behavior". Strong or stupid. She said strong.
I don't know now. I feel like I'm the only one trying. Although he claims he's trying just because I'm still in the house. Whooo. That's great.

We went to about 8 sessions of counseling of which was futile. He dominated every session, his anger was enormous and the counselor told him that his anger will now destroy us. It has only been about 4 months since found out so maybe I'm asking to much to soon. But he's concentrating more on revenge then recovery of us. He just turned 40 in February and I think this has been a good excuse for him to have a midlife crisis and blame it on me.
You know the counselor and I had 1 session alone. She said "you are a strong woman to put up with his behavior". Strong or stupid. She said strong.
I don't know now. I feel like I'm the only one trying. Although he claims he's trying just because I'm still in the house. Whooo. Thats great.

They say that when you cheat it is important for your partner to know that you know how much it hurt them.

In order for the hurt party to heal they have to know that You understand Their pain.

I agree with you.It sounds like he is just out for revenge at this point and does not want to work on making things better.

If this some sort of a sick test?
Lets see if I can push her back into her affair?

Some people simply can't get over the ego slam that cheating does to them and I suspect that Miss hot neighbor is helping to heal his bruised ego ,to some extent.

Sad to say,unless you want to be punished until he gets it out of his system,the only recourse you may have is to rethink the marriage.

Counseling alone may be beneficial to you at this time to help you decide where you want to go with him,if at all.