Hi,

Im new on here and just came on to get some advice really. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now and I am now wondering whether we have reached the end. We do not live near each other and our a 3 hour car journey apart, we are now seeing each other less then ever, once maybe twice a month max.

I want to see her more but she can't sometimes has she has plans etc with friends, I comptletley understand that but feel that if you care for someone and want to be with someone you would make the effort to see them. Once I tried to raise this issue with her and she felt that I was trying to control her.

Am I overreacting here, or am I right to question if she really cares for me and the relationship?

Any advice is much appreciated.

Thanks,

Tuck- you said you have been together for two years? Have you always been far apart (3 hours?) or is this a new change? If you have always made an effort to see each other more often then 1-2 a month over the last 2 years then something is going in the wrong direction... give a few more details if you don't mind.
Also- how old are you and your girlfriend?

Thumper

Tuck- you said you have been together for two years? Have you always been far apart (3 hours?) or is this a new change? If you have always made an effort to see each other more often then 1-2 a month over the last 2 years then something is going in the wrong direction... give a few more details if you don't mind.
Also- how old are you and your gf?

Thumper

Hi,

We have always been this far apart but use to see each other more often, usually every weekend. We met while I was at Uni and I have now finished and am working, she was just working when we met but decided she too wanted to go to university. She started the year I finished in 2008. She is now in her second year, during her first year we would still see each other 3/4 times a month but this has now decreased. We are both 23, I understand that she wants to enjoy uni etc but I don't want to feel like it is all one way if that makes sense if she isn't really that bothered.

Is there a compromise here,example,every second weekend you take turns to visit each other?

That way you both have two weekends a month to make plans with friends etc.

I think you need to speak to her about your future together. Long distance is really though without a future in mind. It helps when the long distance relationship is heading in a certain direction. Are you going to be in the city some time soon in the future?

Sounds like you're very insecure about your relationship.

is there a compromise here,example,every second weekend you take turns to visit each other?

that way you both have two weekends a month to make plans with friends etc.

Hi, Yes we do alternate who travels to see who but it is harder for her at weekends due to work commitments. I like going to see her and spend time with her but sometimes get the impression/vibe from her that she is fitting me in and its almost like a chore for her to see me when she could be doing other stuff. Am I just reading too much into everything here?

I will just be honest, as I can't see being with anyone who would rather be with her friends, more than with me no matter the distance.

Why are you still there being an after thought, or an option for someone? For two years? Something is wrong with this picture.

Some people believe, friends are forever but boyfriends/girlfriends come and go.

I personally do not believe that and if I was dating someone, I would want to have priority over their friends. Basically if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't wait too long to see if things get better.

Threads merged

I split up with my girlfriend off over 2 years last month and am really struggling to cope and move on. We were happy for the most of the relationship but towards the end just seemed to drift apart, we were a couple of hours away from each other which made things hard. I did a lot for her and felt sometimes she took me for granted so we both felt a split was the right thing. The thing is I still love her and really miss her, we said we stay in touch and we spoke for the first time last night, she seems to be coping a lot better than me and this made me sad like she didn't really care. Even when I try not to think about her I do and I am struggling to sleep and can't focus on work or anything else. Should I not speak to her again so I can try and move on and forget about everything?

Yes, I agree with your last line.

Going no contact,will give you perspective and time to heal.

There are some really good stickies on the relationship thread,have a look through them,and you will see how other people coped and healed.

I wish you the best of luck.

Yeah, you can't really get over something when you don't give yourself a chance to. Break ups suck, especially when one person has gotten over it while the other is still hurting. By going no contact you can at least remove a sense of false hope and pain.

You will be fine, it just requires patience and effort. It isn't fair to remain friends after a break up when one person is still in love. That is foolish and unrealistic. Good luck and I recommend you vent on this board if you feel down. We are all here for you.

Yes, no contact, if you don't, it is only torture.

She's coping better than you because she's the one who wanted the break up and you still want her back.

You're going to have an extremely hard time getting over her if you're the only one who wants this relationship to work. The best way for you to get over her is to stop communicating with her. The more you talk to her, the more false hope you're going to have and that's just going to prolong your recovery.

Leave each other alone until you've healed from the breakup. If you still want a friendship, it will have to wait until you've recovered from the break up. You'll know when you've recovered when you stop having false hope of wanting to make the relationship work. It's going to take some time, but you have to give yourself the time. Be patient.

She's coping better than you because she's the one who wanted the break up and you still want her back.

You're going to have an extremely hard time getting over her if you're the only one who wants this relationship to work. The best way for you to get over her is to stop communicating with her. The more you talk to her, the more false hope you're going to have and that's just going to prolong your recovery.

Leave each other alone until you've healed from the breakup. If you still want a friendship, it will have to wait until you've recovered from the break up. You'll know when you've recovered when you stop having false hope of wanting to make the relationship work. It's going to take some time, but you have to give yourself the time. Be patient.


Thanks for your comments, she has been the one getting in touch with me via text etc just asking if I'm OK so I feel bad if I just ignore. There are no bad feelings towards each other I just don't understand why it ended. About a month prior to the split we went on holiday and a really great time. Deep down I know I just need to move on as there is no point in trying to convince someone to be with you.

Your right,you can't make someone want you.

If you think about it,most people who want to end a relationship think about for a while,before they actually make the break,so its easier for them to move on,because they already started the process in the relationship.

For the other person it's a complete shock.

She probably is worried about you,and perhaps trying to ease her own guilt for hurting.

Ignore her sympathy.

She has her freedom,that's what she wanted.

You focus on you now,and find ways to heal and become stronger.

your right,you can't make someone want you.

if you think about it,most people who want to end a relationship think about for a while,before they actually make the break,so its easier for them to move on,because they already started the process in the relationship.

for the other person its a complete shock.

she probably is worried about you,and perhaps trying to ease her own guilt for hurting.

ignore her sympathy.

she has her freedom,thats what she wanted.

you focus on you now,and find ways to heal and become stronger.

I know what everyone is saying is true that's the stupid thing but deep down part of me wishes we tried to make it work as we went through so much together. Now that's it over I find myself questioning everything in my life like work etc and am not sure what I want anymore.

Your confidence has been knocked,and its natural to question other aspects of your life,but,and it's a big but.. you are in control of your life,you had a good life before her,and what she thought about you is only one person is the world!

Take stock for your life and the people who love you,your working life is your achievement,and nothing to do with her..

Dig deep,and don't let a broken heart dictate your life's course or yourself worth.

A broken heart is not a good sounding wall and its advice is crap,to be frank.

Its sometimes good to question where we are in life , to stop and think what do we really and truly want to be doing , where are we going etc.Plus you need to mourn the relationship and eventually heal and move on.This takes time and patience.Be good to yourself.

Thanks again for the feedback. I guess it's hard to take that someone deems you not good enough for them especially when that person means so much to you. I have now deleted her phone number and email etc and thrown all old letters and cards etc out. Hopefully this will allow me to completley forget about it and move on.

It's the one option that will help you heal the fastest. All the best.

I took a real setback today and got in contact with my ex girlfriend, I told her that I still love her and am struggling to move on. I tried so hard not to do it but I couldn't stop myself. She said she was sorry but she has moved on but still wants to be friends. I just got really upset as don't understand how you can move on so quick unless she never really cared for me that much anyway. I really regret doing it but I still love the girl and couldn't help it. Now I just feel like our relationship was a lie and she obviously wasn't into me that much as after two and half a years you don't move on in a month. After we spoke I text her telling her that I will not contact her again and she said that is not what she wants. What should I do?

You should stop contacting her, period. We know this is hard but at some point you HAVE to man up and have some self control. You owe it to yourself to end this stuff. She has moved on because she started to move on before you ever broke up.

Next time you want to contact her, post on here. You see how much it hurts, but hopefully it taught you a lesson, painful as it may be. Erase her phone number, get rid of the photos and all, erase her from your life. You HAVE to treat this like a death right now. Cry, mourn your loss, but end the contact.

Don't beat yourself up too bad either. We have all made these mistakes. Learn from them!

Now I just feel like our relationship was a lie and she obviously wasn’t into me that much as after two and half a years you don’t move on in a month.

Time will give you a better overall perspective. You need time to heal. Time without her.

People handle things differently, and perhaps she felt the break-up coming and worked on getting over you towards the end of your relationship. I have been her before. That doesn't mean that your relationship was a lie. It just means that you guys drifted apart (as you said in your OP), and believe me, it happens! I'm sure she has just as fond of memories as you do from your time together, but when it's all said and done, you weren't right for each other.

Focus on yourself now, on your healing. Cut off contact with her completely. If not, it will be a long road ahead of you.

Stay strong!

Yes, I regret contacting her and feel stupid for doing it as all it did was rub salt in the wound as she is doing fine.

Do not be too hard on yourself Tuck60. It happens.

Just remember that if you contact her you will hurt yourself. Next time you have a thought to contact remember "that if its a good idea today it will be a good idea next week."

Stay strong. It's tough... I know... we will all get through this.

I have found out today that my ex girlfriend now has a new boyfriend, we only broke up 5 weeks ago. This has made me feel slightly weird. I really want to write to her or ask her if she ever actually cared about me. If she did, how could she begin a new relationship so soon. Is it normal to think like this and do you think it would be a bad idea to contact her and put these questions to her?

No don't contact her and hard as it is don't try to figure out why she s already in a new relationship. She was probably as other posters here have said starting to move on before you broke up. This doesn't mean what the two of you had was a lie but people change and what they want from life change. You should be taking care of yourself now and concentrate on your own wellbeing. Spend time with people you like and who care about you. Keep busy and don't get it touch with the ex.

I have found out today that my ex gf now has a new boyfriend, we only broke up 5 weeks ago. This has made me feel slightly wierd. I really want to write to her or ask her if she ever actually cared about me. If she did, how could she begin a new relationship so soon. Is it normal to think like this and do you think it would be a bad idea to contact her and put these questions to her?

What would you hope to achieve by asking her more questions?

How many times will she need to reject you before you get the message,and now she has a new relationship to consider,you're the ex boyfriend,do not become the ex boyfriend that won't leave her alone.

Break ups are hard.. no one is saying anything else,do not contact this girl,in any way!

Your hurt,she's not.. your in love with her,she is not in love with you..

She does not want you...

Pick up your life, in time you will find someone who will love you for you,and want to stay with you,but think about how your going to relate the story of your ex... 'she dumped me,and I would not leave her alone' or 'i found it hard to get over it,but I did,and I'm glad,because then I would not have met you'...

I don't know what I would want to achieve by speaking to her, I guess I would want to know if she ever really loved me like she said she did. I did a lot for her and have just been left feeling slightly used by the whole situation.

i don't know what i would want to achieve by speaking to her, i guess i would want to know if she ever really loved me like she said she did. I did alot for her and have just been left feeling slightly used by the whole situation.

Your ego is bruised and your confidence is shot. That is natural. So long as you continue talking to her trying to attain answers you feel will boost either your ego or confidence you will continue to feel like garbage. What you are doing is not realistic nor a solution to anything... it is just a hope of a quick fix that does nothing in the end.

I'm sure during the two years you were together she loved you.. and that you BOTH did a lot for each other,if it was just all you,then perhaps this is a good thing.

Its normal to wonder when you find out your ex is in another relationship,soon after the break up,if you really meant something to them,but,the fact remains,that its over,and talking to her won't change that.

Try and take a different view on the situation.

She was in a relationship for two years,she ended the relationship and five weeks later she is in another relationship... there is no way,that I can see,she is over the break up.. she may be glad its over,but even in the most amicable breakups,people need time to recover... maybe he's her rebound? I can't say if it will last,but,would you honestly want her back now?

Think about it, she's with someone five weeks after the split...

I don't want to get back with her but it's just that I feel like I need to know if she ever actually cared. I still care about the girl but I don't want to try again with her, I want her to be happy with or without me, its just a kick in the teeth to find out she has gone out with what must be one of the first guys she has met since we broke up. I wouldn't jump straight into a relationship because I respect her too much and wouldn't want her to feel how I feel right now.

I feel like this too. But you can't be with someone for a few years and be lying the whole time. At some point she stopped caring and now you do too

It freaking hurts

Look in the mirror, and see what your doing! Sure your sad, and hurt from a break up, that's normal, and to be expected.

But what are you doing about it? Your rejection, and failure (which is shared by you both by the way) are making you beat yourself up for no reason what so ever. That's not how you handle bad situations.

You have to start the healing process, for now with grief, but after 5 weeks, you look for a do what makes you feel better. You no longer need her to affirm that your cared for, or loved any more, thats your job now.

The way I see it, you can sit on the pity pot stuck, by your hurt, or heal, by doing what makes you happy.

Trust me its easy to just sit, and feel bad, but it's a lot harder to get up, and do something positive, or even figure out what is positive to do.

Stop wasting time wondering about her feelings, and do for your own feelings. Its hard, but you will love the blessing of loving yourself.

Get busy. Actually do something for yourself, maybe go back to what you were doing before, or start something new and interesting, as you regroup and rebuild a life that you enjoy.

What you think you're the first guy to be dumped? Some of us have had many break ups, and will have many more.

The fact is taking care of yourself will not only get you through the hard times, but you'll appreciate the options, and opportunities to be happy in the future.

The more you hear about her life, the more you're going to prolong this healing process. You need to block her out of her life, pretend that she doesn't exist if you have to. She's clearly move on with her life, you need to start living your own life.

Hi All, This morning I received a text message from my ex, I deleted her number but I recognise the number as hers. She just asked how I am? Should I respond or not? I don't want too but don't want her to think I am being rude.

Responding to her would only set you back. Nothing she would have to say would help you heal from this break up. I think you need not worry about what she thinks is rude behavior. If you were to ponder. Did she give thought to what was rude when she moved on? If she really cares to know how you are, she can find an alternate way to do so.

So you would sacrifice your own healing, and do something you don't want to do, just so you won't appear rude. Don't you think that's putting her needs, and interests above your own?? Think, when you brought up the subject of spending more time together what was her reply to that?


I want to see her more but she can't sometimes has she has plans etc with friends, I completely understand that but feel that if you care for someone and want to be with someone you would make the effort to see them. Once i tried to raise this issue with her and she felt that i was trying to control her.


So now you let a simple text put you back to where your putting her first again. She had her fun with her friends and plans, and put you second, after you were understanding about her needs. That worked out just great didn't it?

For once put yourself first, and if she thinks its rude, so what. Rude is nothing compared to what you felt before, when you cared. But why should you now?

Never make time for someone who didn't have time for you.

Ignore her, that's why you deleted her number, isn't it, to keep her out of your life because she didn't care enough, and had more important things to do.

Now its you who have a lot more important things to do for yourself.

Ignore her. Don't go back to square one-you re not being rude-by ignoring her you stand up for yourself.

Next week is my Ex's birthday, I am tempted to send her a card. All I would say is happy birthday, hope you have a nice day. If she then contacted me I would not respond, but I just feel like I should send the card to acknowledge the fact that I remember its her birthday. What do you think?

Not a good idea,as you ll only wonder if she ll respond in any way.
Ignore birthdays Christmas and all other such occasions.
Time for you to move forward and heal properly from the breakup.

I don't want her to respond though but feel it's something I want to do. I feel OK about the whole break up now I think and don't want her to think I'm being immature etc by ignoring her.

Tuck60 - she is your EX girlfriend - and someone's current one now. You do not owe her a card - it is not rude to go NC - you will be self preserving; she has moved on now, you deserve to as well. By accepting calls/responding to texts etc, you are alleviating her guilt and prolonging the agony of yourself moving on. She will still have an element of control over your life unless you decide otherwise... good luck :)

Well today is her birthday, I haven't sent a card and have no plans to contact her in anyway. It has been 5 weeks now of full NC and things are already starting to feel better. The only thing I think is quite sad is that obviously over the two years we grew really close and now we can't even speak to each other. I know it's for the best though will keep up NC, to be honest I find myself thinking of her less and less already. Thanks for all the tips.

Good to know you re doing well-keep the NC and keep us posted.

Took abit of a minor setback at the weekend and spoke to my ex quickly on sat. I was on a night out on Friday and saw her cousin and this made me think of her. I'm dissapointed I broke NC but don't feel that affected by it, she is doing fine and is seeing someone else and I'm fine with that as I don't want her to be unhappy. I myself am not seeing someone else but did have a one night stand a few weeks ago which I regret. I guess I'm just worried I won't meet anyone who I can spend and enjoy time with again as I have never been that great with women.

Relax Tuck you'll meet someone when you least expect it. It's early days yet and just enjoy being single for a while and building a happy relationship with yourself.

Thanks for your words, I know it makes sense but kind of feel we could be friends still. Im going to go back to no contact anyway.

Good idea Tuck, after you have healed a gotten a solid foundation under you, friendship is possible. But for now, no reason to force yourself into something that your not ready for.

It has been a month again since any contact with my ex, I'm doing OK but still think about her and her family a lot and have been tempted to ask if she is OK. I haven't though so am pleased with that. The whole situation has just dented myself esteem more than anything and its hard to try and get it back up again.

Stick to the no contact-you're on the right track-it's a question of time and patience now. Keep busy and make sure you don't get stuck overthinking the past.
Make sure you have something to look forward to every day.

Stick to the no contact-you're on the right track-it's a question of time and patience now. Keep busy and make sure you dont get stuck overthinking the past.
Make sure you have something to look forward to every day.

I am keeping busy with work and going to the gym and stuff like that, but that's not really anythink to look forward too so then I just ponder about the past.

Work and the gym may not be glamorous, but is something to look forward to, and you can add some hobbies to that list also.

I guess so but the fact that she is already seeing someone else just makes me worse because she has moved on and found someone who she thinks is better. I don't feel like I want her back or anything like that, just miss speaking to her and don't feel that I will be ready to meet someone new anytime soon and that is what is frustrating.

Yes it can be, when your focused on her and what she is doing, and not doing enough of your own thing. Those feelings will pass, as you get better at doing for yourself, and finding reasons to be happy with what your doing.

There's nothing wrong with being happy and single. Be happy being you,then when the time is right you'll meet someone who'll be right for you. There's no hurry.

I know it takes time but it obviously didn't take her time, which just makes me think I must have made her really unhappy and I was never anything but nice to her. I am quite a quite person as well which means I am less likely to meet new people

We're all different and what she did or does doesn't matter anymore-or it shouldn't. Like Tal said find some new hobbies-that's one way of meeting new people.

After breaking up with my partner of two years in September I have struggled to meet new people. I'm quite a quiet person and the way the relationship ended dented my confidence further. I have been going out to bars etc with friends but have not met anyone and don't feel like I will any time soon. Any Tips?

Its only been 3 months,12 weeks... it might take a little longer before your ready.

Just take it easy on yourself and enjoy the nights out and being with your friends, when the time is right,you'll know.

How about some good clean adult activities, and bars don't fit that bill, such as sports, bowling, church, or somewhere people go. Make male friends as well as female, because you never know who they know. Its about having fun, so a hobby is great for meeting people with a common interest.

I would add volunteering and taking courses.

There are people EVERYWHERE... It's not a matter of being AROUND people, as much as it is just opening up to the people that are already around you. If you have been searching in bars for a date, and haven't had any luck, why don't you try looking for a date in your friend's friends? If you have good friends, they can probably hook you up with a few women that might take an interest. Another good idea, is to hang out with people, and be patient! Wait for the woman you've been waiting for to come into your life in her own time, instead of trying to search for her.

Basically I started speaking to this girl online and we exchanged numbers. We are from the same town and do recognize each other from seeing each other out although we have never met. After a number of text messages I asked her if she would like to go out for a drink or something sometime, she said yes and seemed really keen and said I should text her anytime. I then suggested a day to her to meet up and she didn’t respond. Should I take this as she is not interested or is it worth calling her? I don’t want to come across as desperate or a bit weird.

Why don't you call her instead to ask her on a date? That way, you can get a direct response instead of constantly checking your phone for a response.

If she wants to go out with you, she will go. No need to overthink that way you're going to ask her.

Call her and ask. If she doesn't answer, let her call you back.

Call her, then she knows your serious, like in the old days before texting.

Since when is calling to hook up desperate or weird. Just don't blow her phone up.