My husband and I had a big fight because he didn't me to go vacation with my best friend. He accused her for trying to breakup our family,, he sent my friend a email and said some very mean things. Why did he do that ? Is he sick of something ? Should my friend reply to his email or should she just ignore it. Please help

Your friend has no obligation to answer your crazy a$$ husband.

I'm debating whether I should still go for the vacation with my friend after what my husband did to my friend. Part of me want to go because I want to enjoy my time with my girlfriend, and to show him that I still can enjoy and have a good time without him, but part of me doesn't want to go because what has happened. Any advice?

What is his primary objection?
Does he have any valid reason to distrust you?
How is your marriage for the most part?
Does he always dictate what you do?
These are questions that need answers to give a complete answer.

First of all, I have to ask why you would go on vacation with your best friend instead of with your husband? I'd like to know what kind of dynamics have developed in your relationship with this best friend. Is she married? Are you in fact allowing your relationship with your friend to interfere with your marriage? I ask because I had something similar happen to me so I can sort of relate to where your husband's coming from.

First of all, I have to ask why you would go on vacation with your best friend instead of with your husband? I'd like to know what kind of dynamics have developed in your relationship with this best friend. Is she married? Are you in fact allowing your relationship with your friend to interfere with your marriage? I ask because I had something similar happen to me so I can sort of relate to where your husband's coming from.

She is a widow, we met through my friend when we were on our girls trip few years ago, and we kept in touch and became very good friends, I have gone visited her couple time on our way back from vacation with my husband, he couldn't stay behind cause he had to work. I had the feeling that he didn't like it, but didn't say it out.

We been married for 28 years, and we on on vacation at least once a year. Since our children all grown up, I want more time for myself to do my own things or go out with my girl friends, etc.

Now I'm debating whether I should still go on the vacation with my friend, but if I don't go, he's probabley think that he has won this battle. Any advice?

What's his motivation for thinking that she is trying to break up his family? Why is he acting this way? I feel that we are missing some of the story.

What's his motivation for thinking that she is trying to break up his family? Why is he acting this way? I feel that we are missing some of the story.

Here's the whole story :

About 3 months ago, my husband and I had a fight because I wanted to take a little vacation to visit my good friend. Reason of that fight was he didn’t trust me, and he dislike that friend of mine because he feels that I have changed since I met this friend, he said I become very moody and always get mad at him, etc. Anyway, a week after that fight, he apologized and said that he’s wrong and promised that he will not be like that anymore. So we reconciled and things have been going well. (This is the first time we fought over this friend, I had visited my friend once a year for the past two years, I can feel that he didn’t like it, but he just didn’t say anything)
About a month ago, my friend and I wanted to plan a getaway vacation for about 2 weeks, and I told my husband about that, his respond was good. About a week ago, he said that he wants to go for a vacation with me too, his plan is to meet up with me at the end of my 2 week vacation, that way I don’t have to fly back home and then take another flight to our destination. His purpose of that is to save some money which I understand. But I don’t really feel like taking such an extended vacation, I don’t want to be away from home that long, I get home sick and very tiring for me. So I told my husband that if he really want to go for the vacation, I could cancel and postpone the vacation with my friend to next year cause it’ll be very costly to take an extended vacation. The minute I told him, he just blew up and accused my girlfriend didn’t want him to go for the vacation. He kept accusing my friend for trying to breakup our marriage and trying to brainwash me. We had a big fight and I left the house. The next day, my friend told me that he sent her an email and said some very mean things. She asked me if she should respond to his email and perhaps do some explanation. I told her no, because she doesn’t owe him any explanation.
I just can’t believe that he did that. Is he going insane ? Is he trying to get my friend mad and breakup our friendship ? In his email, he said to my friend to make sure let me about this email so that I will get more mad, he expects to accept the consequences which is ‘divorce’.
We married for 28 years, we go on vacation at least once a year, and our children all grown up, I thought that I want to do something I want to do and spend some time with my girl friend...
At this point, I’m debating whether I should still go on the vacation with my friend, not sure what to do now. Part of me want to go because I want to give him the message that he can’t stop me from doing what I want to do, but part of me don’t want to go is what has happened and I feel like I want to give up. Any advice, please help!!

I would not even attampt to take a 2 weeks vacation without my husband at the first place. I love him, want to be with him, and cannot leave him home alone for 2 weeks! I will ask him to join us for entire vacation. It is strange to me even though you know your husband is very upset, you stand for your girlfriend only. It is not fair. You treat your husband very light. Marriage is important as much as friendship. You should not sacrifice one for another. You need to make harmony in the middle.

If money is the issue, make the trip for 1 week, and all 3 stay together. There isn't such a rule you HAVE to take 2 weeks of vacation with your girlfriend only even though you possibly create a marriage problem. If your girlfriend is a relly nice woman as you think, she would not create any issue in your marriage.

If the timeline serves us
Your husband didn't come up with his vaction until you came up with yours.
My take is this :he is jealous of this friend and only brought up the secondary time with you so he can <made up word ?> "RE-FUSE "your relationship or if only to confuse things for you , so you would HAVE to worry about this so-called second vaction while you are on your vacation with your friend.Tell him to back off and you can only discuss one at a time
And that you will be glad to discuss future plans AFTER you get back...




AND ENJOY!!

I don't believe this is your issue, there is apparently something about this situation that is bothering your husband.
I think the best thing you can do right now is sit down and talk.
You eluded to the fact that he sent this email and wanted you told, to push you to want a divorce... do you know why?
That would definitely indicate a deeper issue than a two week holiday or having your own friends.

Maybe ,for whatever reason,he feels you slipping away from him and he is afraid of losing you.

It may not be justified and all ,and be all in his head but you need to assure him that after 28 yrs. Of marriage ,he can trust you.

I would go but I would also allow the compromise of him meeting up with you near the end.It is a compromise that would solve the whole issue.Deal with being a little homesick and make the compromise.

Winding, I am not sure I totally agree with you. Your thoughts are valid, but not applicable to everyone. My parents have been married for over 50 years and are closer now more than ever. My parents travel separately all the time. Dad likes to stay home and make a big trip every few years. Mom likes lots of side little trips all the time, coming to see us kids etc. Sometimes (25&#37;) they travel together, but it is their choice. And everyone gets to do what they want for as long as they want. And they have the stories of their travels to bring to the table.

Also, a couple and a widowed person to travel together can alienate the widowed person. This may be why the husband was not included.

I would have to say there is something else going on in the background. Like he does not like it when she is not around. The husband may get lonely, may be having some health or mental issues with aging, or just not like this person. But I am sure the wife does not like all of his friends.

Maybe ,for whatever reason,he feels you slipping away from him and he is afraid of losing you.

It may not be justified and all ,and be all in his head but you need to assure him that after 28 yrs. of marriage ,he can trust you.

I would go but I would also allow the compromise of him meeting up with you near the end.It is a compromise that would solve the whole issue.Deal with being a little homesick and make the compromise.

I would respectively disagree
The compromise is his way of having her WORRY about another destination,another set of plans why take away from a nice innocent visit with a friend to fulfill YOUR needs
She should be able to go with her friend WITHOUT the worry of a second vaction with him

I would respectively disagree
the compromise is his way of having her WORRY about another destination,another set of plans why take away from a nice innocent vaction with a friend to through in YOUR needs
she should be able to go with her friend WITHOUT the worry of a second vaction with him

She should, but the fact is, she isn't going to be able to without him throwing a hissy fit.
Artsy was just suggesting a compromise, not saying that the husbands actions were justified.

And that is a compromise that does not need to be met
He CAN wait until she gets back from one to plan another
It is just a way to control her... simple

Whether he is crazy, or going through his mid life crisis, he is throwing a monkey wrench into her plans. That's not fair, nor is it reasonable. Not after being married that long.

Whatever the communication breakdown is, the treatment of the friend, (emails) as well as the wife, is troubling, and if that big of a deal has to be made, you better start talking NOW, before you leave, or let this issue get bigger than it need be.

There is a lot more than meets the eye going on, and it needs to be addressed fully, and immediately. I think his double vacation idea is unreasonable myself.

Whether he is crazy, or going thru his mid life crisis,
.

Niether just controlling

Thanks for all your advice. After the fight, I left the house, right now I'm staying at my mom's. In his email to my friend, he mentioned to her that “….he's prepared to accept the consequences (divorce), he has to move on and start a new life….. ”. Well, during our fight, I said I want a divorce, but I didn't really mean what I said, we always say something hurtful or something we didn't mean to during argument. I don't want to make the first move to talk to him, and I think he owes my friend an apology.

Originally Posted by talaniman https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_imgs/buttons/viewpost.gif (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/husband-gone-insane-391126-2.html#post1951034)
Whether he is crazy, or going thru his mid life crisis,




niether just controlling
All of the above!!

Let the dust settle, really settle. Let cooler heads prevail.

Just to show you though, my wife let me but a red sports car when I was going through the change. :eek:

Either way, if you care about the man at all, your vacation is ruined! It would make no sense to waste the money when you aren't going to have a good time.

No matter what the reason. Controlling:(, scared of the GF:eek:, or just doesn't want to be left alone:confused:

Two weeks is a long time, if you actually think you will be able to have a good time, than more power to you.

I know I wouldn't EVEN if I knew it was because of a controlling, a$$hole husband.

I don't understand your going to cancel because of a controlling,a$$hole husband?
I think not.
Go on with the vaca. Tell him
"i will talk to upon my return"
Done..

I need to go off and have fun. I won't (maybe my problem) have fun if the person I love is against it (no matter what an a$$ he is)

I still feel like there is more to this story then verysad is letting on. It just doesn't make sense after 28 years that he's now all of a sudden not trusting her and acting like and imature teenager, nor does it make sense that when he tries to spend time with her she's the one consistently pushing him away. There is more here.

I agree. There is more going on here then what anyone's been told or even knows. After 28 years of marriage and grown children there certainly ought to be plenty of time to do things together and also to things on their own. I'll admit I still have to question why the OP would want to go away for 2 weeks with her widow friend, without her husband. Either way, that seems to be providing the perfect catalyst for her husband to go on this tirade which seems to be motivated by some deeper, underlying issues.

Its hard to see when you get a week or maybe more of vacation from your job a year,that is not the case here and when you are retired and spend 24/7 with each other going away for 2 weeks with a friend is no big deal what is a big deal is your husband ACTING like he's OK with it and then going against it and THEN doing everything he can do to ruin it for you
Email the friend causing proublems
When that didn't work "I know"
Set up my own trip to meet her there ?
c'mon give me a break

Maybe he is just jealous of your friend.

This is unbelievably controlling. Clearly he is jealous of your friend and makes no bones about it. He is saying me or her. If she is a decent woman the is NO reason you should have to change your plans "after the fact".

If you give into this juvenile control kiss any "you" goodbye. Two weeks with a friend (female) after giving a lifetime to family isn't too much to ask. Tell your husband to grow up and get over his childish control of your life. If he doesn't trust you after 29 years of marriage... HE is the one with issues. I know many women, much younger that regularly through the church or other places have "girls retreats" for two weeks "for women only". This gives the hubbies time to fish, hunt, and do guy things. FOR REAL... he is behaving like a total child, and making childish demands. Was your marriage always lived under such control?

I hate to admit it but many "retired" women have a similar problem. They were mostly stay at home wives, supported the husbands career and many sat at home holding down the fort while the husband "traveled" and worked in his "fun" around that.

Now that children are grown... they, the women, have time for friendships. Husbands easily spoiled to being the "center of attention, secure in the fact the children are good chaperones and the responsibility that the woman has to husband, home and family left no time for many outings or friendships, and there are many such men who were fudging on the work hours in order to fit in not so kosher recreational time, suddenly start behaving like controlling children, as THEY don't like "shoe on the other foot" when in reality all the women want is a taste of "freedom" with a good friend. No bad stuff, just good clean fun, doing EXACTLY what they want to do....with NO guilt. I mean shopping, talking, and seeing things in the world they haven't seen in years.

Your husband is clearly immaturely jealous, and perhaps a bit fearful that HE is no longer "in control" or the entire center of your existance.......His way of showing this is entirely immature. If in fact you KNOW you are doing nothing wrong, but having honest clean fun with a female companion....The you need to GO.

He doesn't sound like the kind of man you can "reason" with but more like a baby who doesn't want his mommy (you) to grow up or go out. This will only lead to more trouble in your marriage. I am sure you have waited a lifetime to have some " with but more like a baby who doesn't want his mommy (you) to grow up or go out. This will only lead to more trouble in your marriage. I am sure you have waited a lifetime to have some " like a grownup. Tell your husband he needs to stop this childish control, or you fear for the stability of the marriage.