Hi there!

Well it goes like this... I met a guy online and we have been chatting for about three months, nearly every day on msn and by phone, I even chatted to his daughter who is eight, who he sometimes has, his ex girlfriend and him are split up. He went through a hard time of it as his ex left him unexpectedly for another man, they had been together for nine years so he was in shock. I started speaking to him about a year after this had happened. We got to like more and more of each other but just friendly chatter and then deep talk, about himself and I about myself. He kept sending me songs through msn which were always songs with a meaning to them e.g. wake up, can't you see I like you and so on.

Well he put in his texts I like you more than you think I do and stuff like that.
Anyway we met up one weekend and had a pub lunch, his daughter was with him to.

I slept the night ( I know to soon ) but it happened and his daughter came into the bedroom the next morning and started asking me do you like daddy, and maybe I will have a brother or sister, we all cuddled together on the bed. I was a bit shocked at this and said it wasn't right her seeing us in bed together as it's a bit soon and told him what she had said, he said it was because she is not used to women being here since his ex her mum had left. He hadn't had sex in a year.

Anyway I saw him again and he said that I'm really glad my daughter really likes you as I was worried about that. I stayed over again and this time we didn't have sex but he kept cuddling me and holding my hand . I told him it was a bit soon we shouldn't have done it, he agreed. I text him to say shall we still be friends, he text back saying course we can that's what I wanted all along. Take things slowly as friends and see where we end up. I am being straight with you hun.

But I really like him and so was determined not to text or msn him, then I was online the other day and he sent me a song saying I think you will like this... and on the song it said... You came in the night and stole my heart, I am not looking for arty farty love but to love completely. Your insatiable and I can't get enough.

It wasn't just a friendly song, the song was quite deep. Can you tell me what you think? As I am confused as to what to think! As I have not heard from him at all since he sent me that song, its been about four day's now.

He knows that I like him and that I want a relationship but don't want to rush in either.

Just go with the flow. Talk to him when you feel like it. Spend more time getting to know each other first. You've only seen him a few times in person. So you don't really know him too well.

No need to rush anything.

You have already rushed things, and you better start really talking to him about slowing this thing down to a more manageable level. Really to soon to involve his daughter in this thing also. Don't know what the two of you are thinking but for sure, too much, to fast crash and burn, and I don't really care about the 3 months of online dating you have done.

You 2 rushed a bit too soon, so its good you told him 2 relax and slow it down. I think that the love song he sent was a bit 2 much though especially this early, however he could just want 2 show u he want more, he was probably lonely, and you coming along changed his life. You should continue seeing him, because he has respect for you and your feelings when you told him you wanted 2 slow it down he listened, and understood n totally respected your decision, because he wanted 2 get to know you more. Continue seeing him, but don't be afraid to tell him when things are moving too quickly for you because the worst thing to ever do is "regret"...

Thanks all you guys for all your comments! Have been really helpful to me.

Just to let you all know that we made contact again and this is what he said... As I have said we were friends and I loved that and that's what I always wanted. You're a wonderful person that's why I like you. I am so not ready for a relationship with anyone honestly. What happened between us messed our friendship up, I do want to be friends and what will be will be.

I told him that I had never asked to have a relationship with him as I don't know him fully and that I to didn't want to rush into anything, after all he may not be for me, it goes both ways. I was very confused as to why he had sent me that song which had a very strong meaning (10000 Nights of Thunder Alphabeat) the song is called. I do really like him and we will still remain friends.

Well, what did you think of him. What do you think of him. Did sparks fly?

It sounds like you aren't interested, or you have been spooked, or he's turned you off with being so romantic.

Does it bother you that any relationship will include his daughter? Are you ready for that?

I just don't get a sense where you want to go with this. If your impression of him was you want to pursue a relationship, then pursue one, on your terms certainly, but don't leave him hanging.

If you don't feel it will go anywhere, and you are looking for more than friendship, then let him go, and find someone more compatible.

It is up to you of course, but I can't see how you can a friendship only will result from this after you slept with him. Only you can decide whether there is any future with this man in any capacity.

The fact is that since we slept together it's he who's kind of distanced himself. He knew I liked him, he now says that he wants the friendship that we had before the sex, but he feels that's been ruined because of the sex. A few days later, he sent me that song through MSN, and wrote "I think you'll like this one", adding a wink. We then chatted via MSN, ending with him saying "Speak to you soon. Take care". I didn't hear from him for a few days, so I texted him saying "Hi. Are you okay, Paul?". I had no response to that for about three days. He then texted me saying "Very sorry I haven't answered. Haven't had the phone for a few days, as have been away. Are you okay?" I replied "Not too bad. I was upset that you hadn't replied". He then replied "I'm sorry you feel like that. As I have said, we were friends, and I loved that, and that's what I always wanted. You're a wonderful person. That's why I like you. I am so not ready for a relationship with anyone, honestly. What happened between us messed our friendship up. I do want to be friends, and what will be will be". I replied "I didn't say that I wanted a relationship with you, but these feelings popped out of nowhere". He replied by saying that we would have a chat, but he couldn't talk then as his mother and daughter were there. He would ring me when he was alone. This was yesterday.

What's confusing me is if he only wants friendship, why did he send me that song? It feels either that he was being crawl, or at the very least insensitive because I was getting mixed signals.

Maybe its neither, maybe that's his way of being nice, and you have misread the signals.

I wouldn't call that being nice, sending me a love song, if it was more of a friendly song that yes.

Hey star,

This kind of sounds like him trying to protect himself because of your reaction to him being romantic and whatnot during your second meeting (the time where he was trying to be all cuddling and stuff). It looks like at that time he was very into you, however he felt rejected after you told him you weren't sure about things and whatnot. He may be distancing himself to protect himself as he likes you too.

If you check the sequence of events, here's what it sounds like:

1. he comes on too strong for you with the cuddling and hand holding so you turn him away.
2. As a result of the rejection he distances himself for protection
3. He reaches out to you via the song to see if you are still interested
4. Your reaction does not tell him (in his mind) that you are interested
5. He keep distancing himself even further with these texts now

If you look at your recent text back to him as well you said, "I didn't say I wanted a relationship with you" as well which could also further make him think you are not interested and drive him away further.

Considering his circumstances; hasn't been with anyone in a long time, has a daughter too protect; his fear of opening up may be high and if he did and didn't get an adequate response (to him) then he may be distancing.

It's important you guys know where one another stand in regards to this: have you mentioned to him how much you like him recently? Sometimes it takes being vulnerable in order for truly communicate; he may have been trying to do that and now feels rejected.

Just some thoughts, best of luck to you.

Hi polorbear,

Thanks for your comment and I think you may have hit the nail on the head.

My heart feels like I'm missing him a lot and is quite painful, but feel I should not have these feelings and am trying not to as he might not be feeling it for me, I don't want to get hurt.

When I slept with him, the next day I went home and he text me later that day and said "Thank you for a wonderful time. I really enjoyed it, I think your great Your a star xx Hope your good" x

I text back and said "That's ok, so did I, hope you and daughter are good.

Then later text him to say "Hi Paul I think what we did was wrong, we should not have slept together and for your daughter to have seen us". He then said "Don't worry about me and daughter we are fine, she really likes you, thanks for being so good with her, that was always a worry for me with meeting up, as for daughter honestly she is fine, its OK that you stayed with me she hasn't even mentioned it she is so busy, she is happy"

Now the reason I said this was because I liked him a lot and was thinking that he didn't feel the same way but also was embarrassed because his daughter was involved.

Then I stayed with again without his daughter there and he cooked me dinner and we chatted all night and agreed we should not have had sex so we just cuddled up, then he later text me to say "Take things slowly as friends and see where we end up. I am being straight with you hun" He said not ready for relationship, I told him I like him a lot.

but feel I should not have these feelings and am trying not to as he might not be feeling it for me, I don't want to get hurt.


You can't help the way you feel, that's just you, but you can control what you do about those feelings, and not get carried away by them.

The worst thing people do I think, is let fear guide their actions, and make them afraid of rejection, so are afraid to take a risk, and see where it leads.

Go slow, is all with eyes open, and deal with the fear in positive ways.