I have been with my husband 8 years. I love him very, very much, and I know that he loves me. He is perfect in every way, except for our sex life. I feel like I should have seen the signs early on, but I guess I ignored them because he was so great otherwise. He was/is into BDSM, and I am not. But I tolerated it and even tried a few minor things to spice things up for him. As I've really started watching and paying attention to him, however, I think our main problem is, deep intimacy makes him uncomfortable. We never kiss anymore, not even if we do actually have sex. He wears this stupid leather hood all the time. It's like he needs it to even get an erection. I come in almost every night and find him sitting with this hood on his head masturbating. We haven't had sex in almost 2 months, and it kills me. And love making?? Oh, I'm betting on 3 years. It's to the point I am considering an affair with a former lover. I mean really considering it. I have talked to my husband till I am blue in the face. Told him I need him to touch me, kiss me, etc. When I try to initiate any kind of intimacy, he gets very uncomfortable. I'm just about over it. I want to be with him, and I want to have a good sex life with him, but I don't think it's possible. I even suggested (gently, don't worry) that he see a counselor because he tends to have trouble maintaining an erection. I have been as gentle as I can be for so many years, and he seems to do nothing to try to ease my feelings and desires. Please, can someone give me some kind of advice before I stray?

I am hoping that someone will be able to assist with some ideas about your situation.
I can only imagine how painful it is for you, but outside of counseling that he won't agree to I am not sure how you can effectively help him.
He has likely programmed himself to need his hood for an erection, thus causing complications maintaining an erection while making love.
I don't think there will be an easy solution for your situation.
Best of luck, keep checking for some further advice.

Yes.

Give your husband an ultimatum. I'm not usually big on these, but you're at the edge anyway.

Either he goes to counseling with you, or he should consider your marriage over because he doesn't care about how YOU feel about your sex life.

Phrase it just like that.

My OTHER advice is to get out of your marriage before you cheat.

I would suggest that perhaps you take over the dominant role and make him be your slave and tell him he must follow all your orders.

Order him to be intimate. Of course if he is having E.D. issues he may not be able to perform if he is not enjoying it.

He also needs to understand that you have needs and he is being very selfish.Perhaps one time ,you could have sex his way and the next it can be your way.

Does he know that you are thinking of finding another sexual partner?

The chance that he may lose you could be a wake up call to force him to try to at least make an attempt to please you.

As an aside,I think straying is not an answer.If your relationship is good,straying is a risk that could destroy your relationship.

I think I would seek therapy before I took that risk.

I'm sorry I could not give you a more helpful answer,this is a complicated problem,hopefully someone else will have a more creative suggestion.

As a BDSM practitioner, my first impression is that this guy really wants you to take the dominant role.

Take the hood away.

Only let him have it if he satisfies your needs.

If you want to be a true sadist don't tell him what they are.

I agree with Catsmine.. He wants you to take over. It's a hard thing to ask for and also because if he has to talk you into doing it then he knows it's not coming from you and that is a turn off. It sounds like you love him and have tried to be patient and accommodating so, BEFORE you ever look to someone else, at least give this a try and if you are still left wanting and he refuses outside help... then YES, it's probably time to call it quits.
Going with a former lover may satisfy your sexual needs, but you obviously want those needs along with your emotional ones to be satisfied by your husband whom you love.
Might I suggest that sometime when you walk in and find him satisfying himself that you go up to him and take over and after a few moments.. remove his hood...look him straight in the face with concentrated intent and be aggressive. He may still be the one getting his needs met, but this is a way of getting YOU back in the mix?
Good luck to you!

I would agree on one thing. Rather get a divorce than cheat on your partner. Its sickening how people try to justify cheating.

Maybe there I s a few other routes to try other that cheating. As much as it may hurt his pride at first, try getting him to take a "function pill"... see how it does. Then with that you can set up a few situations to see what he responds best to. Try to set the mood, so to speak. First try blindfolding him and being very teasy, gentle and sexy. Play around with foods, the old chocolate strawberries or edible underwear. If some of those situation don't work then go with the counterpart of that. Come in with leather chaps and a whip and rip the hood off and goab him so hard it turns blue. Well, maybe not that hard... ouch... but you know what I mean. Try some rough fetish, find out what he likes. Maybe even go get porn and see what he reacts to best. But make sure when you find it, switch it up. Make him be obedient, and maybe he will respond to a wider veriety of things.

Girl let me start by saying this, there is no time frame for making love or having sex. You have to take him by surprise it can start from anywhere in the house from the bathroom, living, dinning room kitchen or even w from the front door as soon as he enter the house start by taking his cloths off and kissing him all over. You should not forget to go down on him make show you don't do a lot of talking just do what you got to do and reach your goal.

Johnflomo, please look at dates before responding to a thread. The older a thread is the less likely that the op will see it. Also the more likely it is that circumstances and the advice needed have changed.

I hope they have managed to resolve the problems in their marriage over the past two years since she posted this question.