I don't think I can handle this marriage any longer... im not even sure I still love him... but that could simply be because I am angry at the moment...


my hsuband is sitting behind me cussing and yelling and ing about money...

I took his debit card away and hid it yesterday... because he once again, for the 5 time this MONTH, over drew our account.

in case some of you don't know (I posted it already once I think) ill break down our budget...

in a month

he brings home about 1000

rent is 640 something.

electric is 180

grocerys 200

ciggarettes for him when we can sometimes afford it 100 (I have quit, because we can't afford it, but he refuses to)

phone 10$ but its in my moms bill and my mom doesn't make me pay it if I cant.

that's IT.

already we pay out more than what we have... and constantly borrow from friends, family, payday advances, and direct deposit advances... and god forbid anything unexpected happen in which we need more money for



well, right now his complaint is that HE has no EXTRA spending money...

well I'm sorry. NEITHER DO I.

I couldn't even afford to get our 5 year old school supplies. My mom paid for ALL of it.



so... I just gave him an ultimatum... I told him to think about it all day... and to tell me tonight after ayla goes to bed...

I told him that if he wanted all 'his money' back again (we were split up for 6 months last year and I didn't get any of 'his' money) and he wanted to spend all of 'his' money on crap, like mc donalds, monster drinks, and random candy and junk thruought the day... then to just TELL Me... and ill give him back his debit card, me and ayla will move back in with my mother, and then he can do it all by himself. And have all the extra money he wants...

then of course... being my husband he says 'oh that's nice' and stomps away...



am I being mean here? This is not the first time this has happened. We have been married 3 years. And of those three years, I have been hospitalized for suiside 6 times (I have NEVER been admitted to the hosptial before I met and married him) we fight constantly... arguing over stupid things over and over and over again...

we just got food stamps... and aparently he thinks 'oh good we have food stamps now I can spend MORE money' I'm sorry that's just now how it works...



for those of you who don't know... my husband has mental retardation (im not saying it as an insult. He was in his mothers birth canal for way too long and was oxygen deprived for almost 8 minutes when he was born)

I am just at my wits end...



the only thing holding me back... is my daughter. Her school is here... my moms house is 25-30 minutes away... granted, the food stamps are in my name, so my husband won't have those, so I suppose I can help my mom pay for her gas, by buying grocerys for her. But that won't work forever. And my duaghter LOVES this school and her teacher and already has many friends... is it selfish of me to want to take her away from all that to get away from my husband?



we are in marriage counseling... the counselor says give it time, but we haven't seen him for a week or so.

or do you think this is still savable? Could a weekend (or week long) marriage retreat help? A vacation together? Or even simply time APART?

any advice is greatly apreciated... thank you...



*PS* NOW, he is ing at me for having a ciggarette because of all the stress. And he also demands that I take it outside which I'm not going to because HE smokes in the damn house!

Have you ever thought of marriage counseling and financial counseling? There are many places where you can get free advise counseling for this sort of problems. Money is generally accepted as the number one reason for family fights and divorce. Get the professional help and soon. If he is unwilling or refuses I guess you know where you stand.

Hey girl I am sorry your going through this. But I think money is the cause of many marital fights.

Now that your little girl is in school why can't you go get a job? I know you mentioned before you couldn't because of one of your disabilities right? Well there are places I am sure you could work that would be fine. Why not just bag groceries?

I am still in my marriage for the sake of my son, I don't think that's fair to anyone involved. Your daughter doesn't need to see her parents with this tension. Yes she will see it. Why can't you move in to your own place. Your already getting help. Get more help and be on your own in your daughters school district. You can do anything you want to do if you put your mind to it.

But most important, have you talked to him? If your in counseling then you need to really open up and let it all out.

5 times overdrawn in one month! This post should be asking how do I properly remove my foot from my husbands @$$ without losing my shoe.

Jennie I am not going to say leave him but I would understand if you did. He has responsibilities and buying Micky D's and candy aren't any of them.

Does the Counselor know all this? Maybe she/he could put it in to perspective for your husband.

Also, try re-contacting your counsellor. Being about a week seems quite long, especially if you're in serious matters... I wish you good luck on that and that Ayla will not 'suffer' much about this.

First, lay off all the unnecessary purchases.
No McD's, no energy drinks, no candy, no junk food. Your food-food is covered by foodstamps now, so that isn't a worry.

Do you have any income, Jennie?

But, as it is now:
1000-640-180-100=80 (thanks for the correction adam)
You have eighty dollars of spending money a month. Granted you don't have to pay for your phone, but I see no factors for gasoline, medical, dentistry, gas (for the home, not car), or plenty of other stuff.

You need to sit down and budget. As others have said, financial issues is the #1 reason of divorce. A lot of times, the couples still love each other, money just gets in the way.

Now, let me tell you one thing at a time.
Housing itself should NEVER be over half of your income. If all that's coming to the table is 1000 a month, and rent is 640 a month, then you NEED to find a cheaper place to live.

Do you have a fixed rate electricity plan, or do you have a pay-as-you-use type? If you have the former, you NEED the latter. Cut down on energy. Turn off lights, only one TV in the house on at a time. Crack a window and turn on a fan instead of turning the air on. There are plenty of things you can do. When you can, invest in things such as shake-and-go flashlights instead of battery powered ones, solar walkway lights instead of corded ones, other things that you use, that can become a money saver instead of a money waster.

Smoking... *sigh*... it's one of the biggest money wasters out there. If you can't get him to quit, can you at least get him to cut back? I mean, $100 a month is outrageous. Try to get him to halv that.
As for you, you do know that that momentary relief by a cigarette only increases stress in about an hour?

I do believe some time alone could help, but you can still work it out. You BOTH need some serious budgeting, and to work through it together. Whatever his damage, he can see what it is doing to his daughter, and you can convince him what you need to for her.

Why can't you stay with your mom and commute her to school for now?

I know money situations can be very difficult sometimes but you have to keep moving forward. Don't let money separate you guys if you truly still love each other.

Sit down and write what needs paid each week and seperat the house payment into four week so you can make sure you have enough for it.

Write down what bills you can pay each week. I am sure you can cut down your electricity by a lot. I used to pay close to 200 a month for electricity now I pay 55 at max. Just cut out on what you can and make him quit smoking but don't let him spend the money on something else like booze.

Where did you go Jeni?

Does your counselor know all this? Make an appointment.

Jennie, dear, I can offer help with budgeting. I can offer support and advice on stopping/slowing down on cigarettes.

All I can do about the rest is ask you to look deep inside and urge you to see the counselor more frequently.

Let me know what I can do.

Jennie, I'm very sorry that you're in a fix. I really am.

You might want to keep the daycare income flowing for now. If not, is there some other way for you to earn some extra income? Maybe something online. There are reputable companies that pay to stay at home. Anything is better than $0.

Do you still love him? You need to think about that. Do not stay with him for your daughter alone. Kids are resilient, they will get over divorce better than we think. You know the cigarettes are a killer. On the his lungs, child, you, and the budget. What would he do alone? Would he make it? Probably not. Is he capable of comprehending this issueat all ? I'm like Cats, go to the counselor more often. Go now. Go to him with this issue. But please tell us , and mean it, that you will never, ever, try to take your life again. What would happen to your daughter? If your mother dies, she could end up in an orphanage, or with foster parents.

And GOD doesn't like suicide. Don't even think about it again.

May GOD give you strength and courage to make the right decisions. Bless you.

Jennie,

Times are tough, a lot of people are going through financial difficulties, I know, I'm there too.

Sometimes, when times are tough, the only thing that seems to make you feel better is to spend, even though you can't afford it. Sounds like your husband is there.

Also, he may be a bit resentful seeing as he brings home the money but you are in charge of what happens to it. Not that paying bills means you're hoarding the money, but does he even know the costs of everything, where the money goes?

Right now, I'm planning on going back to work. My kids will be in school again next month, no reason for me to stay home.

Why not look for a job that you can do while Ayla is in school. It may not bring in a lot but any extra is a good thing.

Walmart hires people with disabilities all the time, I'm sure they could find a position for you that wouldn't drain on you and they would most likely be willing to work around Ayla's school schedule.

For now, maybe turning off the internet, cable (if you have it) and cutting coupons etc would help keep things a bit more balanced, until you get back on your feet.

As for your marriage, it depends on you. If you no longer love him then there's no reason to stay, but think about Ayla too, because she's been tossed around quite a bit, do you really want to do that to her again if you and your husband can work it out?

hey everyone. I went to my moms house which is why I wasn't here (not to leave or run away, but just to calm down and think clearly, as he is off work today and calming down just wasn't happening lol)

I'm going to try to answer everyone's questions...

Helping Here...


First, lay off all the unnecessary purchases.
No McD's, no energy drinks, no candy, no junk food. Your food-food is covered by foodstamps now, so that isn't a worry.


easier said than done hon. I have asked him, begged him, explained to him, TOLD him, AURGUED with him about not spending the money. He does it anyway no matter what we talk about or agree upon.


But, as it is now:
1000-640-180-100=80 (thanks for the correction adam)
You have eighty dollars of spending money a month. Granted you don't have to pay for your phone, but I see no factors for gasoline, medical, dentistry, gas (for the home, not car), or plenty of other stuff.

yeah, the 80 goes to incedentals. Body soap. Shampoo, cleaning supplies. Toilet paper. Garbage bags etc. all those little house hold things that aren't covered by food stamps.

we don't have all those other expenses. Because our bills are so tight, we have health insurance through the state which also covers dentist and vision (medicaid I think its called) we don't have a car so no issues there.

we have a budget. All writtten down a week before each payday (he gets paid every other week) I do it all. And we have tried doing it together. He just sort of sits there and agrees with everything I say. And eventually he said 'everything looks good hon you take care of it'
I keep him updated on everything (outgoing bills, how much he brings home, all that stuff)
but he just sort of nods and says 'ok'


Now, let me tell you one thing at a time.
Housing itself should NEVER be over half of your income. If all that's coming to the table is 1000 a month, and rent is 640 a month, then you NEED to find a cheaper place to live.


the problem with that is there IS no cheaper places. This is the cheapest apartment in a 10 mile radius (he works at walmart and rides his bike) if we had a car it would be different. But even then not really because he doesn't have a drivers license (he tried to take the written test and kept failing so he gave up)

I even looked into cheaper places AWAY from his work, because he could transfer. And 650 is the norm for a 2 bedroom apartment here.
I have applied for section 8 and HUD 3 years ago when we first got married, but have heard nothing. A friend of mine said she was on the list for 6 years before she got on the program.


Do you have a fixed rate electricity plan, or do you have a pay-as-you-use type? If you have the former, you NEED the latter. Cut down on energy. Turn off lights, only one TV in the house on at a time. Crack a window and turn on a fan instead of turning the air on. There are plenty of things you can do. When you can, invest in things such as shake-and-go flashlights instead of battery powered ones, solar walkway lights instead of corded ones, other things that you use, that can become a money saver instead of a money waster.

we are on a pay as you go. And the lights are off all day. The ac is set to 80 ALL the time. I only do dishes and vacumming and stuff like that during 'peak hours' which is cheaper, from 7pm to noon.


Smoking... *sigh*... it's one of the biggest money wasters out there. If you can't get him to quit, can you at least get him to cut back? I mean, $100 a month is outrageous. Try to get him to halv that.
As for you, you do know that that momentary relief by a cigarette only increases stress in about an hour?

if you have any suggestions on how to get him to cut back please let me know. The reality is, if someone won't listen, there is nothing you can do to MAKE them listen.
and just to let you know hon, ciggarettes do NOT only increase stress in an hour. I had ONE ciggarette this afternoon and I STILL feel better. Have you ever been a smoker? (I hope not as your not old enough)



I do believe some time alone could help, but you can still work it out. You BOTH need some serious budgeting, and to work through it together. Whatever his damage, he can see what it is doing to his daughter, and you can convince him what you need to for her.

I bleieve we can fix it too. That's why I'm still with him otherwise I would have left last year for good.
if you think I can convince him of ANYTHING please let me know HOW...

OK, Altenweg...


Also, he may be a bit resentful seeing as he brings home the money but you are in charge of what happens to it. Not that paying bills means you're hoarding the money, but does he even know the costs of everything, where the money goes?

Yeah we have sat down several times on preevious paydays together to do the budget together. He doesn't contribute much, he just listens and agrees with everything I say and show him. He got to the point to where he said he didn't care, but yet, he throws a fit every time he doesn't have money, even though every time he does throw a fit, I SHOW him WHY we don't have any money and he goes 'oh, OK... im sorry'
And then we do it all over again the next day...


Why not look for a job that you can do while Ayla is in school. It may not bring in a lot but any extra is a good thing.

Yeah I've applied at a lot of the local little shops, walmart, sonic, dennys, mc donalds, tacobell, Quick Trip, cheveron and many others I don't even remmeber. I've been doing that for about a month now. It just seems that no one is hiring but I'm not giving up.


For now, maybe turning off the internet, cable (if you have it) and cutting coupons etc would help keep things a bit more balanced, until you get back on your feet.

We don't have those expenses. We have free wireless internet (apartment complex) and no cable. We just have lots of movies that were handed down to me from my parents (old vhs tapes) and various dvds that were gifts at christmas and birthdays and such

I don't get any coupons :( I don't know where to get them. But I DO do price matching at walmart for stuff. Which is when you look in ad papers from other stores, and walmart will match the prices of them if they are lower.





TO ALL.

Asking myself if I love him or not is part of the reason I came to my moms house for the night to calm down and think long and hard... I LOVE him... but LOVING someone and likeing them, getting along with them, or being IN love with them is different... lots of people are telling me it takes more than love to make a marriage work, and now I think I understand..


Thank you everyone so much for the support and advise. I'm feeling a bit better now, and when I left my house we did say goodbye in a kind way and he said 'even if we are fighting I still love you' and I said I love you too...

Helping Here...

Easier said than done hon. I have asked him, begged him, explained to him, TOLD him, AURGUED with him about not spending the money. He does it anyway no matter what we talk about or agree upon.
Well, if he is going to buy these things anyway, have you maybe tried something like buying in bulk?
Like, maybe get a 12 pack of Monsters at costco, and give one to him every day? (I don't agree with energy drinks, but it's much cheaper than buying them one at a time) or something of the sort?

yeah, the 80 goes to incedentals. Body soap. Shampoo, cleaning supplies. Toilet paper. Garbage bags etc. all those little house hold things that aren't covered by food stamps.
Exactly my point. What happens if someone is stupid and runs over his bike, you won't have enough to get it fixed.

we don't have all those other expenses. Because our bills are so tight, we have health insurance through the state which also covers dentist and vision (medicaid I think its called) we don't have a car so no issues there.

We have a budget. All writtten down a week before each payday (he gets paid every other week) I do it all. And we have tried doing it together. He just sort of sits there and agrees with everything I say. And eventually he said 'everything looks good hon you take care of it'
I keep him updated on everything (outgoing bills, how much he brings home, all that stuff)
But he just sort of nods and says 'ok'
Question, how long has he been working at walmart, and what department/position? I know a few things (my mother has worked there for over 10 years) and I know that payment comes in every other week, but I don't think something's adding up.



the problem with that is there IS no cheaper places. This is the cheapest apartment in a 10 mile radius (he works at walmart and rides his bike) if we had a car it would be different. But even then not really because he doesn't have a drivers license (he tried to take the written test and kept failing so he gave up)

I even looked into cheaper places AWAY from his work, because he could transfer. And 650 is the norm for a 2 bedroom apartment here.
I have applied for section 8 and HUD 3 years ago when we first got married, but have heard nothing. A friend of mine said she was on the list for 6 years before she got on the program.
I'm not completely sure what program you're on (or trying to get on), but that's harsh. It is never wise financially to spend so much on your housing, but I guess you're stuck with that, for now. How long have you lived there, any grandfather clauses or anything?



we are on a pay as you go. And the lights are off all day. The ac is set to 80 ALL the time. I only do dishes and vacumming and stuff like that during 'peak hours' which is cheaper, from 7pm to noon.
I recommend turning the AC off. That's what I do. In fact, it's about 92f (34c?) here right now. It's uncomfortable, but it helps a lot. Fans and open doors/windows help.
Do you do the dishes by hand, or machine? Try doing them by hand.
When you do your laundry, hang them up to dry instead of using the dryer.
Vacuum only once a week, or if that's how often you do it, only twice every three weeks.
There are plenty of others you can cut down on, but the big-budget items are what's hot.


if you have any suggestions on how to get him to cut back please let me know. The reality is, if someone won't listen, there is nothing you can do to MAKE them listen.
And just to let you know hon, ciggarettes do NOT only increase stress in an hour. I had ONE ciggarette this afternoon and I STILL feel better. Have you ever been a smoker? (I hope not as your not old enough)
No, I am not a smoker myself, but being around literally dozens of smokers my life, I have been told, and learned through watching, that if you have a cigarette after being clean for a while, you'll want another one soon. If you don't get another, it makes it worse. I was just giving an hour as an estimate, it's different for all people, and assuming you didn't smoke another. Another factor is how long have you been clean?

Anyway, a good way to get him to cut back, is to reduce. For example, say, he smokes a carton in a week and a half. Buy the carton, but make one extra pack.
Take two cigarettes out of every pack. Limit each pack by two, and don't let him have more packs than usual. Then, by the time that runs out, you should have enough left over to make one extra pack. Not only will this make each carton last a little longer (assuming the contain the same amount as my mother's brand does) but it will make a little bit less enter his system.[/quote]


I bleieve we can fix it too. That's why I'm still with him otherwise I would have left last year for good.
If you think I can convince him of ANYTHING please let me know HOW...
Yes, but do you still LOVE him? That is the big question.
Trust me, your daughter would rather have split parents than being dragged around through all of their escapades.

EDIT: Okay, just read your post above. But, in case you don't love him, you shouldn't be with him.
You married him "for better or worse". Remember that word? I'm old school - I believe a marriage should be forever. Now, you have to struggle through the worse to arrive at the better.

And, of course, when I say "you" I mean "you and your husband" above. I don't expect you to do it all alone, e

Question, how long has he been working at walmart, and what department/position? I know a few things (my mother has worked there for over 10 years) and I know that payment comes in every other week, but I don't think something's adding up.

What doesn't add up?? He has worked there as a sales associate in electronics for 2 years now.


I'm not completely sure what program you're on (or trying to get on), but that's harsh. It is never wise financially to spend so much on your housing, but I guess you're stuck with that, for now. How long have you lived there, any grandfather clauses or anything?

Its just a regular old apartment. What's a grandfather clause?

I recommend turning the AC off. That's what I do. In fact, it's about 92f (34c?) here right now. It's uncomfortable, but it helps a lot. Fans and open doors/windows help.
Do you do the dishes by hand, or machine? Try doing them by hand.
When you do your laundry, hang them up to dry instead of using the dryer.
Vacuum only once a week, or if that's how often you do it, only twice every three weeks.
There are plenty of others you can cut down on, but the big-budget items are what's hot.


Dude... im in ARIZONA. Its 115 today. And it was only down to 92 last night after the sun went down.

I don't have a washer and dryer I use the on site apartment landry room. They pay for that electricity.

Anyway, a good way to get him to cut back, is to reduce. For example, say, he smokes a carton in a week and a half. Buy the carton, but make one extra pack.
Take two cigarettes out of every pack. Limit each pack by two, and don't let him have more packs than usual. Then, by the time that runs out, you should have enough left over to make one extra pack. Not only will this make each carton last a little longer (assuming the contain the same amount as my mother's brand does) but it will make a little bit less enter his system.[/QUOTE]

Again... how do you propose I MAKE him do anything??
And he smokes a carton a week. Each carton is 52$. So sometimes its more than 150 a month for ciggs.



So... im not trying to be rude here... I honestly am not I promise... im going to try to say it nice, but I'm very stressed out and tired right now so sorry if I sound mean... but seriously how much life experience do you have with this kind of stuff?? Your answers all sound very naiive to me hon... I don't think you grasp the realitys of life well... things look GREAT when you write them all down on paper (marriage, bills, budgets) but the reality is VERY Different...

The reality is different, but really Jennie, this is doable, if you cut back on things, get a job, learn to budget.

HH is just trying to help and really, for a 17 year old, his ideas aren't bad ones.

Money is the number one cause of divorce. Adultry is second. That says a lot.

The thing is, you're a team, a married couple. If you can't work as a team then there is no hope.

Easier said then done, I know, but the two of you have to find a middle ground.

He has to realize that smoking, when you can't afford it, is a selfish unrealistic thing to do.

You have to realize that staying at home all day is also not realistic.

I know, you're looking, but how hard? There are jobs out there. They may not pay a lot, but any extra income at this point is, well, extra.

Did you go to secondary school? What skills do you have? Do you have a resume?

I can help you write one, I excel at writing resumes. PM me the info, I'll write it up and send it to you.

Don't give up. For better or for worse, this is the worse. Been there, done that. No marriage is all peaches and cream, there are tough spots. It's what you do during the tough spots that matter. :)

I know. I didn't mean to sound as harsh as I did to HH (I just re read it *blushes*) I'm very very sorry HH. I didn't mean it in a mean way. I hope you understand *hugs*

Altenweg, I have worked at subway 3 different times, walmart 4 different times, and 2 gas stations over night, I tried over night to see if that would help.
All of the jobs were ended because of me. I did a 'voluntary termination due to medical issues' and all of the employers told me to come back. But every time I did, it all just happened all over again. Each time I had a job I was depressed, not sleeping well, and then being exhasted while at work, not eating or OVER eating, and then I would come home, and the house would be a mess because I had no energy to take care of it, so that depressed me even more...

Its hard to explain.

I'm in ARIZONA. Its 115 today. And it was only down to 92 last night after the sun went down.
What are you doing in Arizona if you can't stand the heat?
Kidding, I didn't realize where you were, but maybe bump the air up to 82? Exponential growth will make that equal a lot of money over a year or so.

again... how do you propose I MAKE him do anything??
And he smokes a carton a week. Each carton is 52$. So sometimes its more than 150 a month for ciggs.
I didn't say to make him do anything. I suggested reducing the number of cigarettes he smokes by two per pack. Since you handle the finances, I assumed you were the one to buy his cigarettes. And, since he agrees to what you propose, then forgets about it, I thought maybe he would agree to this, even if he were to forget you taking a few of his cigarettes.
I've done the same thing with my mother and uncle, and gotten them to reduce how much they smoked, and did the same thing for my brother who got a job on the condition that he would "quit smoking in three months" and he has been clean since. I actually got that trick from a group therapist who has been helping people quit for ~20 years or so, and he says it works ~90% of the time.


so... im not trying to be rude here... I honestly am not I promise... im going to try to say it nice, but I'm very stressed out and tired right now so sorry if I sound mean... but seriously how much life experience do you have with this kind of stuff?? Your answers all sound very naiive to me hon... I don't think you grasp the realitys of life well... things look GREAT when you write them all down on paper (marriage, bills, budgets) but the reality is VERY Different...

I understand, I am so young, so you think I don't know... :rolleyes:
No, I haven't had much experience with marriage, as you could imagine. However, with bills, budgets, and smokers, I do have more experience than most people. I run all of my 23 year old brother's finances, all of my own, and about half of my mother's and uncle's. (And basically control most of my friends' money, too.)
I'm a really... thrifty?. person, great with money... lol.
I have all three issues of "The Tightwad Gazette" (If you're never seen them, I suggest looking at your local library), and those are filled with tips on how to save money.
I completely understand if you don't completely trust my advice on this, granted I do make mistakes a lot, but I also know a few things about budgeting too. If you just want me to shut up, though, just say so. :D

OK so I just got a call from a friend here in phoenix who is also a member of the online mommys group we have in our city. And she says that while I'm over here at my moms house, issac is logging on to MY account on the moms group and posting as me!!

OK I'm tired of trying to be nice... HOW FREAKING CHILDISH IS THAT!!

What are you doing in Arizona if you can't stand the heat? who knows ;) hehehe i want to go back to washington one day. need money :P hehe. but the cost of living IS cheaper out there hehe.
Kidding, I didn't realize where you were, but maybe bump the air up to 82? Exponential growth will make that equal a lot of money over a year or so. thats a great idea ill try that. thanks hon. (why i didnt think of that i DONT KNOW LOL
again...how do you propose i MAKE him do anything????
and he smokes a carton a week. each carton is 52$. so sometimes its more than 150 a month for ciggs.
I didn't say to make him do anything. I suggested reducing the number of cigarettes he smokes by two per pack. Since you handle the finances, I assumed you were the one to buy his cigarettes. And, since he agrees to what you propose, then forgets about it, I thought maybe he would forget you taking a few of his cigarettes.
I've done the same thing with my mother and uncle, and gotten them to reduce how much they smoked, and did the same thing for my brother who got a job on the condition that he would "quit smoking in three months" and he has been clean since. I actually got that trick from a group therapist who has been helping people quit for ~20 years or so, and he says it works ~90% of the time. Ive tried this too, unfortunatley what happens is while he is at work, he will 'bum' money off people at work to get a pack. i have no problem with him bumming a ciggarette off friends at work if thats what he wants, but he has his friends BUYING him packs, and then expects me to make up the difference so he can pay them back.



I understand, I am so young, so you think I don't know... :rolleyes:
No, I haven't had much experience with marriage, as you could imagine. However, with bills, budgets, and smokers, I do have more experience than most people older than me. I run all of my 23 year old brother's finances, all of my own, and about half of my mother's and uncle's. (And basically control most of my friends' money, too.)
I'm a really... thrifty?. person, great with money... lol.
I have all three issues of "The Tightwad Gazette" (If you're never seen them, I suggest looking at your local library), and those are filled with tips on how to save money.
I completely understand if you don't completely trust my advice on this, granted I do make mistakes a lot, but I also know a few things about budgeting too. If you just want me to shut up, though, just say so. :D[/QUOTE]
i know hon, you do have good ideas. im sorry i snapped at you *hugs* i really am. im just a little tense right now. forgive me?

what doesn't add up?? He has worked there as a sales associate in electronics for 2 years now.
Well, I'm not completely sure on all of the policies, but if he is working full time, at minimum wage in Arizona, then that's 40x6.9
=276 a week, x4.3 (average month) = 1186.8 a month, before any raises he has received over the years, and taxes (not sure about taxes in Arizona)...
I was getting confused, because when I first looked at it, I factored in OUR minimum wage, I didn't think about what state you were in, and that confused me... :o


its just a regular old apartment. What's a grandfather clause?
A grandfather clause means if you have lived there for 5 years, but you signed a lease when you moved in, and they raise the base rate, they can't charge you that much because your lease stated $100 less, for example.
Basically, your rent stays what it said in the lease, only raising by 5% a year (or whatever the limit is), instead of raising 125% for everyone else. (The way it works is landlords can charge whatever they want, but to only new tennents. If you signed a lease before they raised it, then it doesn't apply to you.)
You may want to look into that, you may have been paying too much, but I'm not sure, lol.

I KEEP FORGETTING that you're in a different state, so state/local laws that apply to me won't apply to you, necessarilly. Sorry for any confusion/wasted time by anything I posted without thinking about that... :o

(sorry, had to run to another post to get more quoted stuff, :P)

Yes, it's all good. You have a right to be frustrated, and I'll stop trying to help, if that's what you want! :p
*hugs back* and if you really think you need me to forgive you, then I do, but you don't need it.

Just caught the connection, too much is talking to his friends for money...
have you tried talking to THEM and explaining your financial system, asking them to not lend him any more money? If he can't get money from them, then that much money less he has to owe. :)

...because he once again, for the 5 time this MONTH, over drew our account.

already we pay out more than what we have

well, right now his complaint is that HE has no EXTRA spending money...

well im sorry. NEITHER DO I.

am i being mean here?



N0 you are not being mean here, you are not being unreasonable you did exactly the right thing. He needs a tough love wake up.
He needs to realize the responsibility rather than his wanting a Monster and a Snicker!

You can not be expected to work around his wastefulness with money you don't have to pay bills that you can't afford.

You would be better off going NOW than later, once you have her in school it will be harder on her changing schools --NEW START NOW is better.

That hat I posted is looking more and more reasonable!

Can you try having him sit down with you and doing the bills with you?
That might help give him a better perspective.

I also agree buy bulk but hide it otherwise he will think since you have an abundance he can suck it down twice as fast. Been there, dealt with it.

Well, I'm not completely sure on all of the policies, but if he is working full time, at minimum wage in Arizona, then that's 40x6.9
=276 a week, x4.3 (average month) = 1186.8 a month, before any raises he has recieved over the years, and taxes (not sure about taxes in Arizona)...
I was getting confused, because when I first looked at it, I factored in OUR minimum wage, I didn't think about what state you were in, and that confused me... :o


A grandfather clause means if you have lived there for 5 years, but you signed a lease when you moved in, and they raise the base rate, they can't charge you that much because your lease stated $100 less, for example.
Basically, your rent stays what it said in the lease, only raising by 5% a year (or whatever the limit is), instead of raising 125% for everyone else. (The way it works is landlords can charge whatever they want, but to only new tennents. If you signed a lease before they raised it, then it doesn't apply to you.)
You may want to look into that, you may have been paying too much, but I'm not sure, lol.

I KEEP FORGETTING that you're in a different state, so state/local laws that apply to me won't apply to you, necessarilly. Sorry for any confusion/wasted time by anything I posted without thinking about that... :o

(sorry, had to run to another post to get more quoted stuff, :P)

Yes, it's all good. You have a right to be frustrated, and I'll stop trying to help, if that's what you want! :p
*hugs back* and if you really think you need me to forgive you, then I do, but you don't need it.

Just caught the connection, too much is talking to his friends for money...
have you tried talking to THEM and explaining your financial system, asking them to not lend him any more money? If he can't get money from them, then that much money less he has to owe. :)

Here let me copy down his paystub.



REgular Earning Rate: $9.45hr hours 54.13 earnings: 511.53


(we do not pay into state or federall taxes, something about being married with 6 exemptions and making under a certain amount each paycheck.
SOcial security : 45.42
Life insurance 2.30
Ins MED U 65
Ins DEN U 11.90


CUrrent Earnings 511.53
Taxes 45.42
Other deductions 79.20
Net pay 418.91


He IS written down as a full time employee, and last year he was making 80 hours and we were bringing home 1300 (which was still tight but MUCH better and easier)
But they are cutting hours left and right.so he is still making over 30 hrs a week but only barely.


Nohelp, we have sat down so many many times and did the bills together, it does no good. :( he agrees and works with me and we get it all hashed out together and he KNOWS we have no money left, he STILL spends our money.


I have gone through our bills so many many times and there is nothing that can be cut back at all. Everything is at the bare minimum

I think my first question would be why you would take on the responsibility of marrying someone with a mental disability and not accept the inherent problems associated with that?

Most of the problems you post about revolve around his inability to do something. I guess my question Jennie is are you having unrealistic expectations for someone who is mentally challenged?

What are his capabilities as far as handling money?

You took on a responsibility to be with a person with a handicap and with all due respect , it appears that much of the difficulty seems to stem from his immaturity and that may never change.

Maybe your expectations are unrealistic. Does he have a social worker or a coach that he sees?

Public assistance offers programs to teach people how to budget and maybe you guys need to take advantage of that.

There are life skills programs for the people who have little experience.That might be useful.

I think you must have known the challenges you were going to be put in when you married a man with M.R..

I didn't know he was THIS bad arty. I admit we rushed it... I know better now and won't ever make that mistake again... but we met in February of 2006, and were married October of 2006. I knew he was slower. But I had no idea he was this bad.

He also already took a live in life skills program for mentally handicapped adults to learn how to function independently. I'm not sure what happened though. He was there for 3 years living in the program. (its a live in program) but it doest seem to have helped much.

I am going to take a budget class, aylas school offers it to parents of the studends (as well as parenting classes, cooking classes, anything you can think of.)

Jennie, the thing that worries me most is Ayla.

You've admitted that you had men in and out of her life since she was born.

Now she has a father, someone that takes her to the pool, spends time with her, loves her, and you're thinking of taking that away from her again.

She has problems already, I think the majority of them are because of the revolving door of men that come and go from her life.

She needs stability.

It's hard to deal with, I know, but still, what are you doing to help the problem?

You say you've looked for work, well look harder. You say that your disabilities make it hard for you to work, but your husband also has disabiliites yet he works every day to put food on the table.

I know it's frustrating not to have enough money every month, but if you're not part of the solution then you're part of the problem. He works, what do you do?

I don't want to be mean, I just can't help but think that you're mad about something you have the power to change but are unwilling to change.

What do you do all day? You started another thread saying how bored you are now that Ayla is in school, well then, go out, do something to bring in extra money for your family.

Um... since her bio dad left there was one guy name matt, and then my husband issac... thats it...

So... almost all my friends and family are telling me NOT to stay with him just for ayla because if me and issac aren't happy, she isn't going to be happy...

But I should stay with him and keep trying (after 2 years of the same things) because of ayla?

Isn't the first rule all marriage counselors tell you is to NOT stay in the marriage JUST for the kids?

At least that's what ours told us last year when we were going.


*EDIT* besides... im not thinking my marriage is all that stable at the moment and hasn't been for years... so I'm not sure how she is going to get stability with us staying in this marriage...

i know. i didnt mean to sound as harsh as i did to HH (i just re read it *blushes*) im very very sorry HH. i didnt mean it in a mean way. i hope you understand *hugs*

altenweg, i have worked at subway 3 different times, walmart 4 different times, and 2 gas stations over night, i tried over night to see if that would help.
all of the jobs were ended because of me. i did a 'voluntary termination due to medical issues' and all of the employers told me to come back. but every time i did, it all just happend all over again. each time i had a job i was depressed, not sleeping well, and then being exhasted while at work, not eating or OVER eating, and then i would come home, and the house would be a mess because i had no energy to take care of it, so that depressed me even more...

its hard to explain.

The most urgent I think now is that:
1. Your husband is spending too much on cigarettes.
2. He is the only one able to bring some money home.

This time, you must be willing to work. If one likes a job, I don't think that one would be depressed. Try to find some easy job, which you think you won't be 'spending too much of your energy' and bringing at least some income. As Alty said, if you're not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

If you do find a job, you can create a separate bank account, and make savings. If your husband keeps on overspending, your combined account (sp?) will soon be empty. That way, you'll also show him how much money he can waste, without risking to lose all your savings.

Your husband seriously needs to reduce, or better cut off with smoking. I know it's a difficult and long process, but it's the best solution concerning his overspending on cigs. Could you perhaps try the basics for stopping smoking like nicotine patchs?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know you love him, and that's another good reason to make sure he does destroy himself, and taking you and Ayla with him.

Try having cheaper foodstuff, which are healthy as well. McDonalds, besides being not that cheap is neither very good for your health with all the stuff they put in it.

I wish you the best of luck with that. I have no experience in budgeting, but I know some people who went better through similar situations by doing the above things. Perseverance is the key. It's hard, but worth it. :)

Jenni, my husband works with adults that have mild intellectual disabilities (which is what it is called in Australia), and one of the things that many of the people he works with find difficult to understand is consequences.

Your average person may understand consequences or ignore them, but people like your husband can't comprehend them. Hence the continual overdrawing of the account, as one example. He may say he understands, but he actually doesn't, and in fact, can't.

So, taking away the debit card is really your only option if you don't want this to happen again. In fact, if you don't want it to happen at all you probabaly need to manage the finances, bills and food stamps yourself and give him pocket money on a daily basis. You may well have to do this for the rest of your married lives.

Budget classes may help you, but what you really need is to take on some work - even if it is casual or part time. It's not sustainable to be continually in debt or to keep borrowing off your mother, and in fact, it's unfair. But, of course you know this.

You say that you find it difficult to work because it makes you sick, but what will you do if you and Isaac separate? Surely you'll need to get some work to support yourself and your daughter? It's very impotant to find some work for yourself, if only to give yourself a sense of purpose and some pride in your achievements.

Essentially I agree with Altenweg, you have taken on an adult with a disability so you either deal with it and 'manage him', as there is little possibility that he will change, or you leave. You've already had three years in this relationship, and so you have a good sense of what the future with him is likely to bring.

If you stay you will need to find appropriate supports for both yourself and him.

On one post you say you are in counseling and in another you say you haven't since last year? HUH?
If you really want any help here you have to be honest.

If you think you can't do it, Then leave it. Now you can't do it. Because you have set it in your mind.

We are in your corner Jennie,please know that.
We are also blatantly honest.
If you ask for advise ,you know us ,we tell it as we see it .:)

I know arty. No worries. I'm just stressed, and I didn't sleep last night as I was up all night thinking (and unfortunately smokeing all night too, I KNOW I quit and then I did it again all last night, I am NOT smoking today)

I should take a nap but my mind is racing right now, and I am having a bit of anxiety (im breathing a little quickly and my heart feels like its going to break my ribs its pounding so hard) I would take a trazadone (a sleep aid my doc gave me) but I have to pick ayla up from school soon and I don't want to over sleep you know? Ill just make sure to take a trazadone tonight and sleep tonight.

Thank you everyone so much for your help. I'm so very sorry if I ever came off as mean or snippy. I know your all trying to help, and yes, I know you ladies, very blunt ;) it's a good thing.


But I would like to say. I'm NOT a martyr as someone had said... I am simply at my ropes end having delt with this non stop for 2 years... so I'm sorry if I am not a superwoman and I cannot deal with it. Its not like I'm doing it on puprpose.

*EDIT* I also checked my medicine cabnet and my atavan bottle is empty LOL. Go figure huh?

Jennie, I'm sorry you're going through all of this crap. Guess what the #1 stressor in a marriage is? You already know the answer. Have you made him aware of your financial situation? Not in an argumentative sort of way but in a matter-of-fact way, paper and pencil in hand? Like you did here with us ; show him "look, our disposable income is $____ and our expenses are $_______." Now, when you're not meeting your budget, and it sounds like you aren't, you need to do one of two things ; increase your income or cut back on your expenses. Now it doesn't seem that you have much leeway left to cut back on, at least not based on what you've told us here. That leaves one option. Granted, I know that this is not exactly the best of times with which to look for a more lucrative job. And it seems like your husband's disability may limit his earning potential as it is. Have you looked into some sort of SSI supplemental disability? Maybe your husband could qualify. I'm not sure but it may be worth looking in to. Have you considered finding a part-time job? Not the best scenario since you have a young child and all but it may be necessary for right now. As for that matter, has your husband considered moonlighting? If he's so hell-bent on having extra spending money then his moonlight job could provide that for him. I will say one thing for sure ; a divorce will add to, not take away from, your financial pressures. Keep that in mind as you weight your options and make your decisions.

Yeah I'm going to talk to him about applying. I'm not sure if he would qualify though because he can hold a job (and has held a job steadily for the last 10 years. Only 2 separate jobs. With no problems)

Yeah I'm trying to find a job at the moment. That's what I do online a lot is apply for jobs and I am on monster.com (a jobbing website) . (its 110* today lol and that's normal, I walk to and fromaylas school twice a day, and once I do that, I just don't have the strength to do it more lol.)

I'm also looking for more children to babysit for, which is PERFECT for me, it doesn't stress me out (the one exception was my previous family, but that was due to the mothers abusive additude and demanding/'taking advantage of' behavior towards me.)
Nor does babysitting depress me or make me manic. I love it. And now that ayla is in school it will also be easier.

issac is logging on to MY account on the moms group and posting as me!! Then you need to change your passwords immediately! And make your you always actually log off when you're finished ; don't let your computer keep you signed in.

yeah I'm gonna talk to him about applying. I'm not sure if he would qualify though because he can hold a job (and has held a job steadily for the last 10 years. only 2 separate jobs. with no problems)

yeah I'm trying to find a job at the moment. thats what i do online a lot is apply for jobs and i am on monster.com (a jobbing website) . (its 110* today lol and thats normal, i walk to and from Ayla's school twice a day, and once i do that, i just don't have the strength to do it more lol.)

I'm also looking for more children to babysit for, which is PERFECT for me, it doesn't stress me out (the one exception was my previous family, but that was due to the mothers abusive attitude and demanding/'taking advantage of' behavior towards me.)
nor does babysitting depress me or make me manic. i love it. and now that ayla is in school it will also be easier.Sounds like you've got some good ides here. Even though your husband is capable of "holding down a job" he may still qualify for supplemental benefits. My first "real-world" job as a 17-yr. old teeny-bopper was working as a utility guy in a restaurant. One of my co-workers (who did the same job as me) was "mentally challenged" (or whatever the PC term for it is nowadays lol!) I'm going to guess his age at the time was 40-something. He lived with his parents, worked 30-35 hours a week, made minimum wage (which, at the time was $3.35/hr.) and still received some sort of SSI disability income. So definitely look into that.

Yeah I changed my pwords. Accually the lady who runs the site and knows me, saw him posting (he was even saying it was him) and locked my account for me hehe.

Yeah I'm definitely going to have him apply. Or ask him anyway. Not sure what he will say lol. Thanks hon

Jennie, is there a hospital in your area? Hospitals are great places to work. You could get a job from eight to noon in food services or housekeeping, or something else less stressful. The pay would be a lot better than Subway or Walmart, and you'd probably get health care benefits to boot. Have your hubs apply, too. It's worth a shot, at least if there's a hospital near you.

Mmm not close enough for not having a car. But accually you gave me a great idea with working in food services and housekeeping, in which I could definitely go check out her school. I know a lot of the positions are volunteer, but they might pay for cafeteeria workers or janitorial stuff.
Thanks hon

I haven't finished reading this thread and I will, but I wanted to add that you have to remember your husband is challenged. You have to remember yourself that you have triggers. I think that you should take the time needed to calm down a 1000. If you are not working and your are disabled, is their not disability income that you can get each month? SSI?

I have not been around much.

Would like to say that, I know you mentioned that your husband has certain issues. The thing I see a lot. I am guilty and everybody else in this world is guilty, but people tend to always focus on the negative.

The more you focus on all the negative or what to be perceived a negative will just make more negatives.

You might not have meant it a bad way, but when talking about your husband and him being mentally slow seems to me as something you want to make an issue of.

We all have our own shortfalls. We all have our strong points and weak points.

In a marriage it is about supporting each other and working through all of that and trying to balance that out with each other.

Is it worth working on. Yes, it is. Marriage is about good and the bad, rich and the poor, healthy and sick. It is about being committed at all times and working through those rough times.

Now there are exceptions to the rule of course, but those do not apply to you guys.

I would say continue the counseling and continue trying to make things work. You both need to learn how to listen to each other and support each other, and figure out better ways of approaching situations like money , etc.

As Alty said, many marriages fail because of money problems it is a shame considering no matter what the person is worth more then any money whether there is enough or not. Having each other should be more important.

Take care,

Joe

You have said that you haven't been hired at any of the places you've applied. Have youfilled out an app. Then while turning it in, TO A MANAGER- immediately ask if there is time to consider employment? Go in the mornings, hiring mgrs usually work in the AM. I have had many part time or fast food jobs in my adolescence and I've never been turned down once.
In the mean time, ask friends if you can clean for them, or elderly friends if you can shop for them for some extra cash. What you earn goes into a personal bank account that you can use to budget, and he has no access to. Put it under your moms name if you have to, or can.

That's the one thing I don't understand. There are jobs out there, if you look hard enough. There's also busing, if you don't have a car.

Jennie, if your husband can get a job with all his disabilities then surely you can as well.

I really think these are just excuses. I understand, it's hard to get back in the work force when you've been at home for so long, but it's time to suck it up and do what's best for your family.

You will have to anyway. After all, if you divorce your husband, how will you survive? He's the only bread winner in the household.

A job in a school cafeteria would be good because you would have pretty much the same days and times off as your kids.

I do not want to judge Jennie, but I have a very hard time understanding her position here with why she is not seeking employment. I really feel that if the disability was that bad she would qualify for SSI without a doubt. The hubs is most likely intelligent enough to be resentful. It's not fair to take advantage of him in this way.
She calls the shots and he works hard. His creature comforts are not that much to ask for hard days work. Come to think of it, it's not his complete fault that they "can't afford it". IF they both brought something in it wouldn't be an issue. Her solution to bringing something in the house is by way of either the system or her mother, that is hard to understand. Jennie no hard feelings here, but you have to get up and get out and be front and center in getting your family financially secure.

I'm just having a hard time stomaching this.

Jennie, a while back I questioned the amount of time you spend on AMHD and other websites. You've admitted to belonging to at least one more. All this while watching other people's children.

You also admit that you play a lot of games on line, again, while supposedly running a day home.

Now, your poor husband, who rides his bike to work every day, while you sit at home and play on the computer, is being made to feel like he's failing his family. Not the case Jennie.

He makes only $1000/month, but, how much do you make?

You scold him for buying cigarettes and take out. What do you buy?

Jennie, I'm sorry, you know that I'll say it like it is, no matter what, and I think you need to hear this. I don't think hubby is the problem, you are.

Only you can change the way things are. Get out there, make money, stop complaining about every penny he spends of the money he's bringing in. Find a way to help instead of complaining that things aren't the way you want them to be.

And I do agree with MsMe, if you're too disabled to work, why don't you qualify for SSI?

It's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself, get off your butt and change the way things are.

*sigh*

I'm sorry everyone, I'm getting everything confused is all. I asked the same question here, and also on my support group (for women/men married to mentally challenged spouses) and I'm getting a lot of posts mixed up. So I forget what I say and what I don't say here and there.

Issac doesn't want me to work. He and I both have always felt and agreed after a lot of discussing that I should be at home with ayla.

Now, that has changed, with ayla being at school. She JUST started Monday. And I am currently looking for a job.

You guys can say I am not looking hard enough. It doesn't bother me. I know how hard I look, and how hard I try. How much have you seen me on here lately? Ayla is at school most of the day for the last week... yet... im not spending all my time playing and goofing off on the computer. I am looking for a job.


And the way everyone is making it sound, is, since I don't work, he should be allowed to spend any and all the money he wants to, simply because he makes it. Well I'm sorry, that is NOT how marriage works. Yes he makes the money. But I bust my a$$ every single payday every two weeks to make it work.

I don't buy myself any extras. Ever. Oh wait... sorry. I got an 80c pack of gum yesterday.

All our money goes to our bills. Yes, we don't have many bills. But we also don't make a lot of money, and we are paying 60% of our income for rent alone at the moment. I am looking for a cheaper place, we are on the section 8 waiting list, on the HUD list, and I have looked into so many different affordable housing units and all the ones I have looked at have waiting lists of 3 or more years. So I put us on those waiting lists too, and wait to see what happens first.


I agree nohhelp about the school being a great idea, not only that, I will get to eat lunch with ayla too. And ill be there if something happens and that makes me feel better (I still have some of the first time jitters hehe)



So anyway. UPDATE!!


Me and issac talked about it a few hours ago. Once again, he apologised. We cried together, explained our feelings. He said he was sorry for being such an a-hole yesterday, and said he agreed that he doesn't need a debit card and that he was sorry he threw a fit over it.
He also likes the idea of when the rent is caught up and we pay off the payday advance we got a few weeks ago, we are going to get him a walmart gift card with some money on it each payday (we are still working with the budget to work out how much each payday)
Then we sat down and looked at the budget together again (we did it a few months ago and he said everything was fine, but he probably forgot. And I did a search (we use quicken) for all of the purchases he did (I label all of them, and all of his purchases has his name on them and all of mine have my name on them, and anything for the family as a whole has 'family' on it) and we found out, and I was unaware of it too, that after all is said and done, he has spent a total of 56 dollars this month. And the month isn't even over yet... what made him upset (and me as well) is the fact that he has been telling ayla that as soon as we can afford it we will get that converter box for the basic TV. You know, the channels 3-20 that used to be on rabbit ears? As of now, we could have gotten that converter box 2 months ago, if we had been saving that money instead of buying sodas candy and mc donalds. He agreed with me that it was selfish of him.


So... as far as this fight, I think its good, and we are going to talk to my counselor about some sessions together (his office doesn't offer it we checked already)


Thank you everyone for your support and advice. I know I also have some things to work on myself. And I am going to give it my all. I promise.
And I know that many of you ladies (and gents) are bluntly spoken :) no worries. No one was offensive or mean. And my personality has ALWAYS needed that blunt constructive criticism to make me see things clearer. It used to drive my mom crazy ;)


Love you all. Have a good night. *hugs*

I understand, I looked for work for months filling 100's of applications one year and my daughter and her boyfriend would always be hired everywhere and I never did get a job.

Also right now the problem since you can't just jump into a job that doesn't exist for you, at this point, is you DO have to make due with what you do get to work with NOW. If he isn't going to be cooperative until you do get a paycheck then it could mean your losing what you do have.

Check with school cafeterias.

Post an ad on Craigslist to clean houses or look and see if there is something posted looking to hire
craigslist: phoenix classifieds for jobs, apartments, personals, for sale, services, community, and events (http://phoenix.craigslist.org/)

I always say I live on the air I breath, you have to make things work for you. I know its easier said than done because things are always falling apart for me too.

Thanks nohelp. I don't know WHY you chose that name :P you give plenty of GOOD help.

Yeah I'm going to talk to aylas school tomorrow and see if they have an opening in the cafeteria. And accually you made a good point that gave me a good idea about the cleaning houses. I live in an apartment complex :P and we are allowed to posts ads for things like that. So I will definitely do that!

thanks nohelp. i dont know WHY you chose that name :P you give plenty of GOOD help.

yeah im gonna talk to aylas school tomorrow and see if they have an opening in the cafeteria. and accually you made a good point that gave me a good idea about the cleaning houses. i live in an apartment complex :P and we are allowed to posts ads for things like that. so i will definately do that!

That sounds great Jennie.

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, I'm blunt to a fault. It's either a good thing, or a bad thing, depends on the day. ;)

Let us know how it goes.

No worries alty. You care. And that's what's important. What bothers me is people who are mean and harsh, but don't care either way you know?
Your not mean and harsh. Just blunt ;)

no worries alty. you care. and thats whats important. what bothers me is people who are mean and harsh, but dont care either way you know?
your not mean and harsh. just blunt ;)

Blunt to a fault. ;)

Really though, let us know how it goes.

If you want help with a resume, I'm pretty good at that, so let me know. :)

Ill definitely let everyone know.

we pay off the payday advance we got a few weeks ago,

Just wanted to add, that you are the prey of Payday Advance loans, so once you have this paid off, do EVERYTHING in your power to never take out another.

The interest rate on a Payday loan is often about 400% compounded daily, which in turn means to payoff the loan you will pay double to four times as much as you borrowed.

It may seem like the best immediately solution, but with a budget as tight as yours the payments can't possibly be managed. Whenever possible find other solutions because in the end paying double to four times what you borrowed can be very painful to your budget in the future.

Jennie I'm glad things are looking up. I hope you take the advice given here to heart. Just because there's a calm now , doesn't mean it won't happen again next month. You should commit to seeing that it doesn't. The most important thing , right now, is additional income. Did Isaac consider a second job ? Are you willing to check with neighbors on odd jobs? Hit the pavement. The most important thing is to get out there every day and talk to people, check on available jobs. You may have to compromise your time with your daughter as to better provide for her. You may have to get a dirty, nasty job for now. There is something out there, for now. There is something out there for long term. Isaac doesn't want you to work. I say it's the only option for now. Time with Ayla broke , arguing , not able to buy her a nice toy, a special diet,(better than fast food), is not in HER best interest is it? And don't take it the wrong way, but Alty was right. It's not just Isaac.

Remember when you point the finger at someone, you've three times that many pointing at yourself.

And Isaac , in my opinion, needs a SPECIAL hug, and favorite meal .Meet him at the door wearing only perfume. He may not understand that he's not a bad guy. He works hard, and he doesn't do THAT bad. Like I said, be grateful he doesn't drink or take drugs.

I hope things get better. GOD bless.

Just wanted to add, that you are the prey of Payday Advance loans, so once you have this paid off, do EVERYTHING in your power to never take out another.

The interest rate on a Payday loan is often about 400% compounded daily, which in turn means to payoff the loan you will pay double to four times as much as you borrowed.

It may seem like the best immediately solution, but with a budget as tight as yours the payments can't possibly be managed. Whenever possible find other solutions because in the end paying double to four times what you borrowed can be very painful to your budget in the future.

Yes your right. I'm never doing it again lol. I went to just one of those hole in the wall payday loan places and that was a bad idea. We got 200$ last month to cover rent (issac was sick for a few days and we were very short) and because of interest we are paying back 340 grrr.

Then I found out that my bank (usaa) offers direct deposit advances. So I looked into the fine print on those, and there is no interest, its got a flat rate nominal fee of 30$. So in emergencys that would be better lol. But I doubt we will be doing it again no matter HOW good the 'deal' seems LOL.

Jennie I'm glad things are looking up. I hope you take the advice given here to heart. Just because there's a calm now , doesn't mean it won't happen again next month. You should commit to seeing that it doesn't. The most important thing , right now, is additional income. Did Isaac consider a second job ? Are you willing to check with neighbors on odd jobs? Hit the pavement. The most important thing is to get out there every day and talk to people, check on available jobs. You may have to compromise your time with your daughter as to better provide for her. You may have to get a dirty, nasty job for now. There is something out there, for now. There is something out there for long term. Isaac doesn't want you to work. I say it's the only option for now. Time with Ayla broke , arguing , not able to buy her a nice toy, a special diet,(better than fast food), is not in HER best interest is it? And don't take it the wrong way, but Alty was right. It's not just Isaac.

Remember when you point the finger at someone, you've three times that many pointing at yourself.

And Isaac , in my opinion, needs a SPECIAL hug, and favorite meal .Meet him at the door wearing only perfume. He may not understand that he's not a bad guy. He works hard, and he doesn't do THAT bad. Like I said, be grateful he doesn't drink or take drugs.

I hope things get better. GOD bless.

Yeah I am. I agree, that while I enjoy being home, and believe that a wife/mother SHOULD be at home, its NOT practacal in today's econimy unfortunately. And even more unfortunately, my aunt doesn't see it that way. She is a sahm and refuses to get a job EVER, mainly because of their religon, (christian, but orthodox something, I forget) and my uncle lost his job a few weeks ago, and though he got unimployment and a severance pay (it was a layoff not a fire) they are struggling badly with their 3 kids. And I would NEVER accept something like that and stay home.

I wanted to add that I think some of you are confused. Ayla and I aren't getting mc donalds. Its issac getting mc donalds at work (walmart has a mcdonalds inside the store)

I know its not just issac. While I'm not spending our money, I DO nitpic, and that's not right.

Right now I'm confused lol. I hope when I call my psychologist later today when they open, that she can do marriage sessions as well as my individual ones, because some of my friends (you guys are my friends right? :p ) on here and on my support group are contradicting each other. Some of you are saying 'you have to remember he is mentally challenged' and some people are saying 'you can't keep using his disability as an excuse'
So hopefully when I talked to my doctor again, she can shed some light on things as far as his disability goes.

Yeah we hugged a lot last night, and tonight I'm making a crockpot roast (its his favorite hehe)

Thank you everyone. *hugs*

Hey girl.
I was out yesterday so I wasn't able to catch you. I just skimmed through your thread to catch up.
Trust me I understand where you are coming from financially. I was thinking of how I make side money and thought you might be able to do it to. I sell all of my sons old clothes on eBay. I had a neighbor who went thrift shopping and garage sale shopping and then resold that on eBay. I have been doing it for years. I love it. Make your own hours, make your own pay. The only hassle is the post office. But maybe your mom can help you and take you to mail your packages out once a week or something. I mean this way your still home, but there is money coming in.

Also I agree with something Alty said a few posts back. Why not look at both sides and stop blaming your husband 100%. It takes two for a marriage. Why not sit and think how great it is that he has kept his job and he is providing. In this day, its hard finding a job let alone keeping one. Just be happy he can still provide to you what he does.

Jennie, yes he is mentally challenged, but it cannot be used as an excuse. The mentally challenged CAN be taught. My BIL is mentally challenged, much more so that your husband and he follows a budget very well.

If you use his disability as an excuse, he will catch on.

Boundaries need to be set and adhered to. Sure he's going to be p1ssed off, but he will get over it. I speak from experience.

I just was reading this again and catching up and had an idea that I think may work for you. Do you have a caretaker at your apartment building or is their an owner that you can speak with about either becoming the caretaker or helping them to clean out units or the property for a certain percentage off your rent? Ah-ha... check that out. I hope you don't consider me one of the ones that doesn't care... I wouldn't spend time answering if I didn't. I want to see you succeed and be happy while doing it.

Jennie, doesn't your hubby have aspergers? If so, I have some ideas for you.

That's a great idea sunny! I do have a lot of crap laying around doing nothing that I have thought about taking to the goodwill, but selling it on eBay would be a great idea! Thanks!

I agree J_9, and he does get pissed off when I come right out and say to him in the middle of an argument 'issac, I love you, and I understand that sometimes it is hard for you, but you KNOW how to do this and have done it BEFORE and you've GOT to stop'
And then he assumes I'm saying he is stupid and gets really defensive.
I think it comes from his family. His mother never got him the help he needed, and when CPS tried to take him away from her for that reason (his teachers were concerned) she sent him to mexico for several years with family. And now as an adult, his mother and several family members still to this day call him stupid and retarded. We have basically cut off from his family except a few members who love him and us. I know, again, how his family treated him isn't an excuse, as my own mother was abusive when I was young (she went to a psychiatrist and got help and is SO amazing now) wow I'm rambling. Sorry!

Mew, I have done that. And the apartment complex sent me to the company that manages the apartments and I put an application in, but like a lot of places they said that they aren't hiring at the moment. But they have my application if that changes. It would be even cooler too because people who work for the apartments get reduced rent to live here lol.

Thank you again everyone *hugs* and thank you for letting me vent and not getting angry at me for it. I really do feel much better not only talking to him about it, but talking it all out with everyone here.

Hey J_9,

We aren't sure what he has. I'm not sure if its aspergers simply because isn't aspergers/autism something that happens with your genetic makeup? He is the way he is because when he was being born he was trapped in the birth canal and deprived of oxygen for nearly 10 minutes before they were able to get him out with forceps. I think that's what happened.
But its entirely possible that he already had some issues and the lack of oxygen made it worse maybe.

Time to get ready for school. :) talk to you guys later.

All right guys... help me out here... what do I do now?

For the last 2 days alls been great. We've been talking about everything, and getting along.

I thought everything was going to be fine.

Well last night he asked if we had any money to buy shaving cream and deoderant.
I say no, we have like 12c in the bank. So I give him 5$ cash of what was suppose to be our landry money.
Well this morning he let me sleep in. it was very nice of him, because I haven't gotten to sleep past 6am for a long time. So I got to sleep until 8 when he went to work.

I find a note that says he took my debit card.. knowing we only had 12 cents... and he left the 5$ cash I gave him. Didn't tell me why.

So he called me about an hour after he got to work and said 'whats your PIN? Your debit card isn't working' I'm like... DUDE, I TOLD you there is only .12 cents!! What part of that doesn't he understand?

So what do I do about this??

I would bet he doesn't understand because he is always just told.

Jennie,

I remember you saying in another thread that you and hubby have been trying for another child. Please tell me you've put that on hold for now.

As for the debit card, his understanding, only the two of you can work this out. We can give advice, but you do have to learn to handle these little bumps by yourself.

You two have to learn to communicate better. Instead of telling him try talking to him. Instead of controlling, try working together. You cannot be the only one that controls the money, especially since he's the one making the money.

Maybe if he had more say in things he'd be better.

Also, you can't expect things to change in two days. Marriage is a constant work in progress, but you have to work together, otherwise what's the point?

Like Alty said its only been two days. Changes don't happen over night. Sometimes they don't happen at all. But you have to work on it over and over and keep the communication open or you will never get better.

If he over draws your account show him the overdraft fee that it will cause. In the end that 5 dollar lunch he wanted will maybe cost you 35 because of all the fees. I don't know. Its something you have to work on together and show him in black and white.

I was also wondering about your book keeping. I remember you saying that you don't have a computer. You use the one in your apartment complex. Then I remember you saying you keep track of your expenses and what not on the computer in Quick Books. Are you doing this on a public computer? Be careful. Anyone these days can hack anything. Trust me. I am not computer smart but I promise you I could use that computer after you and get all your info. Trust me I can. I had to learn quickly after my husbands internet porn problem. I can find out anything on a computer if I need to. Please be careful or your money issues won't be only because of your husband.

I've done all this guys. We have been married 3 years. And have gone through all of the working together, doing the budget together, we tried just him doing the budget (nothing got paid) no this is our computer. Only me and him get on it (and my daughter but she isn't on the internet she is on her learning games)

Yes we have stopped trying to have another baby.

Oh which public one do you use? I guess I misunderstood. I remember one day you saying you were on the computer and your daughter was with you and this guy came in the room and was mean to her.

Oh that was in the apartment complex business center. I don't go over there all the time. Just when I need to and can't get online at home.

Jennie this was my point. You didn't expect things to magically get better because he said he would try to do better, and you two hugged. This is the same issue as before, and the same issue that will be coming up over, and over, and over again. That is, unless you make some changes. Number one on the list is get additional income. Find something. Something. ANYTHING.

You've got a lot of people pulling for you. And praying. Take that energy and do something positive with it. Have you talked to area churches? Our church helps people get their head above water.

Go talk to some pastors. At least until things get better. Get out and make a change. The answer is not going to knock on YOUR door. Come fall in your lap. The true answer to your problem is not here, it's out there. Things are tough all over, but there are resources available. Go find them. This is a survival situation. You'll have to crawl before you can walk. I wish you the best, as always.

One thing to keep in mind is things can only get so bad and then they have to get better. You can't expect us to give you the answer. You have been in these threads. None of us have answers. Only experience and advice. I think I can speak for most of us in saying you need to get out and try to find a second income. Then take it from there. Talk to him until he is blue in the face. It might take weeks or months. But the changes have to start with you. Meaning communication. Don't give up on him. He seems like a good guy. He just doesn't seem like he fully understands. Marriage can really be stinky at times. But that's why its better when you do pull through. You can look back and say "hey everyone we did it!"

We can give you a shoulder to lean on, push you in the right direction but only you can do the work and yes, it is work.

How long were you and hubby together before you go married? Did you know he was like this? If so, then you never should have gotten married. Too late now, you made a commitment and I really don't think that getting a divorce is the answer, this can be worked out, but both of you have to work at it, in more ways then one.

He has a job, he works, he brings home the money. No, it's not enough, but he's doing the best he can.

You have to do the same Jennie. None of us can do it for you, this is all up to you. There are jobs out there. No, they're not dream jobs, no, they won't be easy, but they're there if you want them, you just have to look for them.

You can either sit at home and cry about not having enough money, or you can get up, get out, and make money, help your family.

There are so many opportunities out there, and being able to bring some money into the household may just make you have a better outlook on your marriage and a better understanding of your husband.

Monster jobs (I remember you saying you posted there, looked there) is one of the least reliable methods of getting a job. Most of it is bull, in my experience.

If you want a job, get a newspaper, type up a resume and hit the streets. Mail, email, or drop off in person. Go while Ayla is in school. There's no reason you can't find something. Reallly.

No more excuses, time to do it. As for your husband, if you married him thinking you could change him, well, you're now learning the hard way that it's unreasonable to think you can. Either accept him, work with him, find some way to live together, or leave.

It's time to fish or cut bait.

What a thread, and does it ever remind me of the good old days (being bah-roke). It ain't easy, but the one thing you can control, is your attitude, and since you take trazadone, which I did for a while, I'm sure you have to follow the prescription as its an anti-depressant that has to build up in the body to be effective.

This will help you stay calm, and have better reactions, and you can see where your over reacting and that does no one any good. Staying calm does, so take your meds and keep working toward a better day. It will happen, its just hard to see right now. Tell hubby to stretch his cigarettes out and shave with soap and water like the rest of us hairy slobs until he can afford shaving cream.

Make him a lunch for work, that's what we had to do, and keep pressing on.

Honestly, most young couples are supposed to struggle in the early years (as you are in), so they can have something to look back on and laugh about. Its all in how you deal with it, and only you can control your attitude.

His cigarettes should be in his budget, and when he runs out, tough. Been there, done that. (stilling doing it too, Hmmmm!)

The others have been giving you some great advice, so deal with your situation with the right attitude. You can do this, I know you can, as we all started with nothing, too!

Jennie, I hope you don't think we're being mean. The soap and water shaving trick is not the only thing I had to do. I was living by myself, broke as hell. Well I had run out of toilet paper, napkins, paper towels, anything to use in the restroom. Well, I did have a extra large pack of coffee filters. Yes, I just admitted to using coffee filters to wipe my rear end. It worked. And all is well. I was glad to have them, as they worked better than pine straw. I told you that for two reasons. One, was to give you a good laugh, two , was to show that you can make do, and be resourceful. Go find a way out of this rut. Go find your own pack of coffee filters.

Tal you made me giggle. I do remember the good old days, when we first started.

I remember wondering how we were going to afford junk for our junk drawer. You know, tape, string, twist ties, elastic bands. Everyone has a junk drawer, but it takes time to put in the "essentials" and I was so worried about it. Looking back, I can't believe I was that obsessed with a junk drawer. Now I have too much junk, in fact, I have two drawers. Still can't find tape when I need it, but I could run elastic bands around my house twice. ;)

The first years are hard, but working together, living within budget, doing without the things you don't need, it brings you closer together.

When we started we had my parents old couch, the springs were shot, if you sat in it the wrong way you may lose the ability to have children later on in life. It was ugly as sin, but functional... ish. We had that couch for the first 3 years of our marriage. When we finally got a new one I was thrilled. It meant so much more because we had to wait for it, work for it.

So many things we did without. We didn't have a TV for the first 3 years either, then, after we got one, we didn't have cable. I thought that TV and cable was a necessity, but when you're without it you realize that it's not at all important. In fact, I miss those days, we talked more back then, not just during commercials. :)

The thing is, we worked together, we continue to work together. Even after 14 years of marriage every day is still a work in progress. Combining two lives, two very different people, learning to listen to each other, talk to each other, exist with each other, it's a learning process, a continuous one.

You don't give up every time there's trouble, you figure out a way to survive, together. That's marriage. :)

What a thread, and does it ever remind me of the good old days (being bah-roke). It ain't easy, but the one thing you can control, is your attitude, and since you take trazadone, which I did for a while, I'm sure you have to follow the prescription as its an anti-depressant that has to build up in the body to be effective.

This will help you stay calm, and have better reactions, and you can see where your over reacting and that does no one any good. Staying calm does, so take your meds and keep working toward a better day. It will happen, its just hard to see right now. Tell hubby to stretch his cigarettes out and shave with soap and water like the rest of us hairy slobs until he can afford shaving cream.

Make him a lunch for work, thats what we had to do, and keep pressing on.

Honestly, most young couples are supposed to struggle in the early years (as you are in), so they can have something to look back on and laugh about. Its all in how you deal with it, and only you can control your attitude.

His cigarettes should be in his budget, and when he runs out, tough. Been there, done that. (stilling doing it too, Hmmmm!)

The others have been giving you some great advice, so deal with your situation with the right attitude. You can do this, I know you can, as we all started with nothing, too!

No I don't take trazadone for depression, I take it occasionally for sleep.

Sorry if I've missed this anywhere (don't think it was mentioned yet) but, Jennie, have you tried Craigslist?

craigslist: phoenix classifieds for jobs, apartments, personals, for sale, services, community, and events (http://phoenix.craigslist.org/)
(Craigslist for your city)

Post your qualifications to babysit or whatever under Services AND Resumes, and look under Jobs also.


A little tip: If they don't say their company name in their ad for a job available, it is spam.

Also, if you have anything of any value laying around the house, Craigslist is a good way to sell it. I just sold two metal trashcans that I never used (came with the house) for $5. Got them out of my way, and got me a little pocket change. (Yeah, $5 isn't much, but in your situation everything counts, even that 12c)

By the way everyone is saying how they struggled in the start of it. Well I have been with my husband since 1991. We moved in together in '92, married in '96. Not yet have we been able to buy our own new furniture. Ever. Couch and loveseat are from his brother, recliner from my mom, kitchen table set from his mother. My sons bed is the one I had as a kid. Living life is hard. Some make it, some just get by, and some struggle. Just be happy to have a wonderful husband who can provide, a beautiful daughter and family to go to when you need it. The reason I have a computer today is because my mom let me use her credit card to buy it. No other reason. Look to the bright side and smile that you have someone and together your making a family.

Hello everyone.

After much thought and prayer (sorry, don't mean to offend anyone but I am christian and that's what I do :p)
And talking and praying with my aunt, who is also a strong christian, we talked for a long time.
And I am going to take her advice.

I gave issac his debit card. I gave him a written list of our bills, and showed him how to use quicken, and showed him how to use the budget feature on quicken.
He is now in charge of EVERYTHING.

I am incharge of buying grocerys with our food stamps, taking care of our home and daughter, and I will be getting a job as soon as I find one (which is beginning to get on my nerves lol) and in which case, once I have a job, my money will be deposited into our account and he will be responsible for all of our bills.

Either we lose everything, or he learns how to do it... thats the way its got to be or this marriage won't work ever. He has got to understand that it was not easy for me (a comment he had made this morning was 'how hard could it be to get bills paid) nor was it making it any easier for me when he was spending nearly 50$ each month in junk food.

I will be praying for him, that god takes him down the correct path in taking care of his family... (again, not trying to be offensive, its just me and my own beliefs)

So... those of you who do, please pray for us. And those who don't, keep your fingers crossed.

Hopefully this will take away some of the tension in our marriage... at least it will take away from his complaint 'i never see any of MY money that I work for'

Thanks for all the support everyone. Yes, even the harsh slaps in the face ;)

Maybe actually working on the budget together as a couple would be a better idea. Need to learn how to work together and do things together as a couple. Especially budgeting. Although myself personally tend to do most of it, I sometimes wonder if we would be better off if we did it together as a couple.

Of course, my prayers are with you but trying to put that all on his shoulders to see if he fails or not. Then that gives you an excuse to get out of the marriage if he does not succeed. I do not think that is fair either.

So I am just being honest and giving my own opinion and thoughts on this. Yes, I believe in prayer and I do believe that God works in each of us a plan. We all have things to learn in life but it is much better if you learn them together as a couple.

Goodnight..
Joe

I agree with Jesushelper. Don't set him up to fail so you can find reasons to leave or to nag. This is a good start though for him to see first hand where the money comes from and where it goes. This is something he will learn with trial and error. If you do lose everything, then start over as a couple. Don't hold it against him for something he failed at. Stand by him and help him and give suggestions. But don't tell him what to do or point fingers. He will need to learn this in his own way.

Best wishes Jeni. There are a lot of us pulling for you.

I never said that if he failed I would leave him...

I'm going to help him. I told him that if he had questions I'm here for him. But the responsibility of getting it done is his responsibility. I'm not just handing it over and saying good luck. I will tell him HOW to do things, and if he need me to, WHEN things need done. We went through all that last night.

We have tried doing it togetehr before (maybe I didn't say that before, I've been saying a lot to a lot of people)

Every time we have sat down together and talked about it together and did the bills together he simply differs to me, tells me to do what I think is best, still spends money we don't have, and then still blames me for not having any extra money.

This is the only thing we haven't tried before. We have tried us doing it together, we have tried me doing it and keeping him informed, we have tried me doing it and simply telling him we don't have money, we have tried EVERYTHING that people have suggested, I have thought of, and HE has thought of. This is the ONLY thing we haven't tried yet.

*hugs* thanks everyone

Quote " That is the way its gotta to be or this marriage wont work " These are your own words Jennie.

So yes, you pretty much said if it does not work out then the marriage is over. No more excuses Jennie.

No matter how many times you try, you have to keep trying. Marriage is more then just giving up and yes you might not have tried this. I hope it works. Your determined to do it this way.

Good luck. Best wishes again with your tough love. As Sunflower has said you know what, If you guys do lose everything. Then rebuilt everything Together as a couple.

What was your previous signature??

I am out.

I would remove the note about the signature, I don't think that makes it less offensive, in fact now it just draws more attention to your previous signature.

I think letting him have the responsibility of paying the bills is a very good idea, because fail or not, he will learn something he needs to know. Hey if you have nothing, what can you lose.

Just make sure you step back, but support him as a good wife should.

Confession- I learned my lesson very well, and I suspect so will he.

Jennie ,where I live they are always looking for home aides.
The training is paid and they try to work with you to send you to places that you can travel to on a bus.

They also work within your schedule,so that would be good for your daughter.
You can work as little or as much as you need.

Basically,you do some personal care,bathing and such and light grocery shopping and housecleaning and perhaps make a light meal and do laundry.

I know there is a large elderly population in Arizona so they may have a substantial need for aides.

Just a thought.

You can also use your training to work in a nursing home or residential facility for the disabled.

That's what I think tal, whether he does it, or fails trying, he will learn something from it. If nothing else he will learn WHY we have no extra money for him to be spending freely.

That's an excellent idea arty I will look into it. I volunteered at the school this morning, and found out from the lady who organizes the volunteers that SOME positions are paid. The cafeteria isn't hiring right now, but there are office jobs that may be hiring, and janitor jobs, and classroom aides (not teachers aids, as that requires a degree) that are paid. Granted they aren't paid much. But its some. So I will be talking to the lady who handles all of that this afternoon after school (she isn't there early in the mornings)

You can do bad by yourself. In fact, you might find that you will do better without him. Do you have a job? If not, then get one or go back to school if you have not finished. A working mom in school qualifies for so much financial assistance... furthermore you may qualify for foodstamps and other social services without him. A friend of mine had a similar situation to yours. Her husband wanted to live a lavish lifestyle in a house they could not afford and refused to sell. He wanted extravagant trips, parties, and clubbing, but they couldn't afford groceries and their bills even though they worked everyday. She left him-took her kids and moved to a 1 bedroom apartment. Everyone thought she was crazy-3 kids in a 1 bedroom apartment. She scaled her lifestyle back and lived that way for over a year until she had enough money to buy a small home for herself. I'm an advocate of marriage, but if he's a looser that is unwilling to change and not bringing in enough money to make an impact in the family budget you can do fine on your own. Have the courage to become empowered to do it by yourself. His child support payments will help you. Your daughter will respect you for it one day.;)

One more thought on this.. regarding your daughter. I'm a mom too-have a five year old. I understand the thought of moving her is difficult, however young children are amazing at adjusting and recovering. Better to do it now than wait until she's older. Older children have a more difficult time and do not adjust a quickly. Young kids make friends easy.. bigger kids have more difficulty in leaving old friends behind. You got to think long term.

B

You can do bad by yourself. In fact, you might find that you will do better without him. Do you have a job? If not, then get one or go back to school if you have not finished. A working mom in school qualifies for soo much financial assistance...furthermore you may qualify for foodstamps and other social services without him. A friend of mine had a similar situation to yours. Her husband wanted to live a lavish lifestyle in a house they could not afford and refused to sell. He wanted extravagant trips, parties, and clubbing, but they couldn't afford groceries and their bills even though they worked everyday. She left him-took her kids and moved to a 1 bedroom apartment. Everyone thought she was crazy-3 kids in a 1 bedroom apartment. She scaled her lifestyle back and lived that way for over a year until she had enough money to buy a small home for herself. I'm an advocate of marriage, but if he's a looser that is unwilling to change and not bringing in enough money to make an impact in the family budget you can do fine on your own. Have the courage to become empowered to do it by yourself. His child support payments will help you. Your daughter will respect you for it one day.;)

This guy is NOT a "looser", he is mentally retarded. He does the best he can, and should be commended, not left out in the cold. Please read the entire history of a post before making accusations.

This guy is NOT a "looser", he is mentally retarded. He does the best he can, and should be commended, not left out in the cold. Please read the entire history of a post before making accusations.


First of all, this is my first day ever using this site. I responded to what I was able to see. If he is mentally retarded he should be commended; however that does not change her situation. She appears to be struggling with a person that does not bring value to the relationship. Instead it appears that he brings stress. It's not cool to have to live in debt and ask others for assistance all the time. If she wants to continue in her marriage with him, then they both need to make some sacrifices and some changes.

First of all, this is my first day ever using this site. I responded to what I was able to see. If he is mentally retarded he should be commended; however that does not change her situation. She appears to be struggling with a person that does not bring value to the relationship. Instead it appears that he brings stress. It's not cool to have to live in debt and ask others for assistance all the time. If she wants to continue in her marriage with him, then they both need to make some sacrifices and some changes.

The posts are there for you to read, just take the time. You will have a more complete view of what is going on rather than only what's on this last page and jumping in and calling him a "looser". If you go back and read the whole thread, you will see that he does bring value to the relationship if for no other reason than being a willing partner. This person is here asking for help in making her marriage work because she doesn't want to leave him if they can work through this and she needs guidance on how to do it; something more substantial than essentially saying "Leave him".

First of all, this is my first day ever using this site. I responded to what I was able to see. If he is mentally retarded he should be commended; however that does not change her situation. She appears to be struggling with a person that does not bring value to the relationship. Instead it appears that he brings stress. It's not cool to have to live in debt and ask others for assistance all the time. If she wants to continue in her marriage with him, then they both need to make some sacrifices and some changes.

You should probably read the complete post before you respond.
It does change her situation. She married and was aware of the additional challenges that she could face in marriage. She stepped up to the challenge when she said 'I do'. There isn't anything really to indicate that her husband isn't trying with her. He just isn't understanding that he is busting his hump, she is at home and he can't even get shaving cream without permission.

Her husband is also not Ayla's father, so she can't receive child support from him. By the way, Jennie, why are you not receiving from Ayla's father. You should also be pursuing that.

What is he 'looser' than? You call someone a loser and it is you who can't even spell it?

First of all, this is my first day ever using this site. I responded to what I was able to see. If he is mentally retarded he should be commended; however that does not change her situation. She appears to be struggling with a person that does not bring value to the relationship. Instead it appears that he brings stress. It's not cool to have to live in debt and ask others for assistance all the time. If she wants to continue in her marriage with him, then they both need to make some sacrifices and some changes.

The previous posts are there for a reason. It's never a good idea to go to a thread with many responses and just pass over them.

The responses tell the whole story, it's important to read them, that way you don't say something someone else has already said and you don't make hurtful comments either.

Calling someone a loser when he's doing his best to support his family, not cool.

He is the only working member of his household, he brings in very little and doesn't really ask for a lot. If an occasional meal at McDonalds makes someone a loser, then sign me up.

Thanks for the support everyone. I wasn't entirely sure what to say to 'bettybranch'

Justy, her biological father has a court order to pay 158 a month for child support, and he did for a few years into her life, but stopped completely. From what I understand, they don't know where he is. *grr* I don't know where he is, but I know from his myspace that he has a new girlfriend who he is getting married to (or has already married) so, if she is working, and he is not, that would explain why his wages aren't being garnished anymore. Very frustrating.

First of all, this is my first day ever using this site. I responded to what I was able to see. If he is mentally retarded he should be commended; however that does not change her situation. She appears to be struggling with a person that does not bring value to the relationship. Instead it appears that he brings stress. It's not cool to have to live in debt and ask others for assistance all the time. If she wants to continue in her marriage with him, then they both need to make some sacrifices and some changes.

I know it's your first time, and welcome. However, we all learned(sometimes the hard way) how to follow the rules, be respectful, and most importantly read the entire posts' history BEFORE we make comments. Once again you have insulted a mentally challenged individual by saying he brings no value to the relationship. How do you know what he does, and doesn't do to this relationship?

He may very well be one of the best things that has happened to Jennie, short of her daughter. READ the post, read what's going in on in their lives, before you kick a man out into the streets.. . " he brings stress"? I'm sure he brings love, joy, and happiness as well, most importantly he brings UNDERSTANDING. A little something we all need more of eh Betty?

I know it's your first time, and welcome. However, we all learned(sometimes the hard way) how to follow the rules, be respectful, and most importantly read the entire posts' history BEFORE we make comments. Once again you have insulted a mentally challenged individual by saying he brings no value to the relationship. How do you know what he does, and doesn't do to this relationship?

He may very well be one of the best things that has happened to Jennie, short of her daughter. READ the post, read what's going in on in their lives, before you kick a man out into the streets. ..." he brings stress"? I'm sure he brings love, joy, and happiness as well, most importantly he brings UNDERSTANDING. A little something we all need more of eh Betty?

I had to spread the rep but I couldn't agree more.

Another thing to realize Betty, he's mentally handicapped yet still manages to hold down a job and provide for his wife and child. Even though he doesn't make millions, he doesn't look for handouts either. He rides his bike to work every day and does what he has to do to put a roof over their heads and food on the table.

They don't have expendable income, which is the main purpose for this thread. He buys a few luxury items (cigarettes, fast food etc) that they really can't afford and that causes Jennie stress because there isn't extra money for those items. Leaving isn't the solution, taking on some of his burden is.

He does bring value to the relationship. He's not abusive, he's not a deadbeat, he just doesn't make a lot of money. That's not a reason to walk out of a marriage.

I tried to give you some rep alty. But I had to spread it aparently.
But well said.

thanks for the support everyone. i wasnt entirely sure what to say to 'bettybranch'

justy, her biological father has a court order to pay 158 a month for child support, and he did for a few years into her life, but stopped completely. from what i understand, they dont know where he is. *grr* i dont know where he is, but i know from his myspace that he has a new girlfriend who he is getting married to (or has already married) so, if she is working, and he is not, that would explain why his wages arent being garnished anymore. very frustrating.

This is where you need to start being in charge.
You start researching, you find out who you need to contact to have the state follow up on your child support.
Ayla is being financially supported by your husband, now is the time to make the man truly responsible - RESPONSIBLE.
You have enough free time on your hands, you need to make this a priority as well.
The child support office is not concerned with your child support, you have to be.
Be the squeaky wheel. Get active in your case. You have time take your order back in front of a judge, force someone to pay attention. Do some leg work and find out where he is. Surely you have some information.
It may only be $158/month but that is a 10% increase on the income you have now. Make it a priority.
You can't strap and punish a man for trying his hardest to take care of you and Ayla, while you let another man, WHO IS RESPONSIBLE, walk away from the situation.

So Jennie, how's the job search going?

Hello everyone.

First, I may have a job soon! The school is interveiwing me for a janitor job. It's a night job. So keep fingers crossed for me and keep prayign for me.



OK... now on to the reason I came online here...

I'm sorry to let everyone know that issac and I will be getting a divorce... there is no other option anymore.
And before anyone says anything, please read all of this. Or you won't understand my reasons.

This morning my mother and I were on the phone talking about my grandmothers MS, and how she is having a very bad MS attack and that we would be moving my birthday celebration to next week end because of it (my birthday is this Sunday... but somehow the joy has gone out of it)

My husband was talking in the background asking what was for dinner.

I kindly said 'hang on hon, ill tell you in a sec'

I said it in an offhand, converstional way. Just an every day comment.



He stormed off. And started yelling 'f-ing stupid b#### can't even answer my D*** question'
My mom said that she couldn't hear me over him so told me to go talk to him and she would call me later. (my mother understands that he is mentally challenged and sometimes his temper gets the best of him. But its normally never more than him cussing and yelling)



So I hang up. And go to talk to him. And he comes rushing over. And PUNCHES ME IN THE FACE, and says "your mother is a ing just like you! i dont know why you even talk to her!!"



...



So I'm at a loss for words now (other than what I have already said of course)

But my duaghters biological father beat me and ridiculed me and abused me for several years . And I WILL NOT accept it AGAIN.

I'm sorry, I understand he is mentally challenged... I understand he may be bipolar like me... I UNDERSTAND. He might be having an off day.
BUT NO MAN will EVER HIT ME AGAIN AND BE FORGIVEN FOR IT.


*hugs* thank you everyone for supporting me, and helping me struggle to save my marriage... but I'm sorry, no matter what any of you say, this is the end of it... I won't fight for this marriage anymore, even if it was just a one time thing, even if he says sorry it will never happen again... ive lived through abuse, and I refuse to do it again...

Thanks for listening...

There is no excuse for abuse of any variety.
I am sorry for what you are going through.
Please keep this in mind and spend some time learning to enjoy yourself and Ayla.
I think you should also keep this in mind in the future because you seem to jump into relationships head first and I think it would be the most beneficial if you just stay single for a long while.
Leave this relationship behind you and don't look back.

You are absolutely right justy. I DO jump into relationships... not that its any reason or good excuse to do so, but I think its because when my duaghters 'father' treated me like that, I was so desperate to find better. You know what I mean?

I'm going to be SINGLE. Maybe for the rest of my life... I have my daddy, and I have my best friend who happens to be a guy (total plutonic, no romantic relationship lol) and I got my brother. That's all the male relationships I need.

*hugs* thanks hon. I need to start getting our stuff together. We will NOT be here when he gets home from work. If it was just me, I would stay to tell him why I'm leaving and, yes, as bad as it sounds, possibly take the chance of getting hit again. But I can live with that, and I have some words to share with him lol.
But my duaghter will be home, and that crap is NOT going to be around her AT ALL.

hello everyone.

first, i may have a job soon! the school is interveiwing me for a janitor job. its a night job. so keep fingers crossed for me and keep prayign for me.



ok...now on to the reason i came online here...

im sorry to let everyone know that issac and i will be getting a divorce...there is no other option anymore.
and before anyone says anything, please read all of this. or you wont understand my reasons.

this morning my mother and i were on the phone talking about my grandmothers MS, and how she is having a very bad MS attack and that we would be moving my birthday celebration to next week end because of it (my birthday is this sunday...but somehow the joy has gone out of it)

my husband was talking in the background asking what was for dinner.

i kindly said 'hang on hon, ill tell you in a sec'

i said it in an offhand, converstional way. just an every day comment.



he stormed off. and started yelling 'f-ing stupid b#### can't even answer my D*** question'
my mom said that she couldnt hear me over him so told me to go talk to him and she would call me later. (my mother understands that he is mentally challenged and sometimes his temper gets the best of him. but its normally never more than him cussing and yelling)



so i hang up. and go to talk to him. and he comes rushing over. and PUNCHES ME IN THE FACE, and says "your mother is a ing just like you! i dont know why you even talk to her!!"



...



so im at a loss for words now (other than what i have already said of course)

but my duaghters biological father beat me and ridiculed me and abused me for several years . and i WILL NOT accept it AGAIN.

im sorry, i understand he is mentally challenged...i understnad he may be bipolar like me...i UNDERSTAND. he might be having an off day.
BUT NO MAN will EVER HIT ME AGAIN AND BE FORGIVEN FOR IT.


*hugs* thank you everyone for supporting me, and helping me struggle to save my marriage...but im sorry, no matter what any of you say, this is the end of it...i wont fight for this marraige anymore, even if it was just a one time thing, even if he says sorry it will never happen again....ive lived thru abuse, and i refuse to do it again...

thanks for listening...

I'm very sorry Jennie that you had to relive that kind of abuse,even for one moment.
I was abused and I can't even bear to watch that type of thing on TV without having a sense of inner panic.

I think this may very well be the best thing for all of you as an environment where behavior is that unpredictable is dangerous for you and your daughter.

Know that we are here if you need to let off steam.

Be strong and you will get through this.You have proven yourself to be a survivor.Remember that!

Jennie,

Regardless of your decision, I wish the very best for you and your daughter. No one should ever have to live in fear of being assaulted in their own home. I had no idea he was physically abusive. Sometimes the mentally challenged have out bursts of anger. It's their only way of expressing frustration.

I hope the split goes smoothly, please let us know how it goes.

I'll be praying for you. GOD bless.

Jennie, I am happy that you made the decision to move on. Mental disability does not excuse one from temper tantrums such as this, nor does it excuse one from being physically abusive. He knows better.

Your little one does not need to grow up in this environment, it will only teach her that abuse is normal and okay. She will grow up being abused, verbally or physically, if you stay in this marriage.

I'm sorry this has to come right around your birthday, but look at it that your present is a new stress free, violence free life.

I'm proud of you girl.

Jennie,

I really hope that you called the police, filed a report. If he decides to make this difficult then you need as much documentation as possible so that you can stay safe.

If you haven't already done so, file a report.

Now that we know he is a total idiot, I think we all stand behind your decision.

Good luck from here.

Thanks everyone.
Yes alty I filed a report. Not much can really be done at this point, as from what I understand, domestic voilence in this area is VERY VERY common and the police have to be nuetral in these affairs. But the report is made.

And I most likely will be making another report tomorrow. He has been calling me and yelling at me all day, telling me what I MUST do, like 'get the rest of your 'stuff' (he didn't SAY stuff if you know what I mean) or 'now I can't freaking pay the bills because I don't have enough money!' (obviously he didn't say freaking either)
Which isn't MY problem, because for a YEAR now, I have paid THE Same bills, with the Same amount of paycheck. Its hard yes. But its not MY fault he can't figure it out. At this point, I really don't give a flying rats butt. (obviously, I could use stronger words)

Then he goes on and on asking about if I'm going to come get my 'stuff' tomrrow. I say yes. 'well what about your wedding stuff' (amazingly he accually said stuff this time)
I said 'yeah probably, what I don't want to keep I can probably sell or give away to friends who need it'
He says
'wel no you can, cause I destroyed it all'

!!

My wedding flutes... my wedding picture frame, our wedding album... my wedding dress... EVERYTHING.

From what I understand from my uncle who is a retired police officer and working as a guard in a jail right now, he says I can sue him for destruction of property. Obviously the wedding picture and album is BOTH of ours, so he said that was 'common property' but id like him to explain why he thinks that my wedding DRESS is his also. And the wedding flutes were given to me at my bridal shower from my friend.


So tomorrow, when I go over there, if its true, I'm filing a report on that too.


I have had SO SO Many oportunitys to 'get back at him' such as, his paycheck is going into our JOINT ACCOUNT tomorrow *evil grin*

However, I'm not going to give him any ammo to use against ME in court. I'm going to be nice, polite, and fair. So that when I cut the rug out from under him on all the crap he has pulled in the last few days, the judge can laugh and award me alimony.
Not that I WANT his money... I could care less... but you know... I don't want him to think he can just do all of this, and get away with it...

OH and good news for a change! I am so excitedly happy about this. I was crying my eyes out because ayla may have had to change schools because my mom couldn't afford the gas to drive 20-30 minutes there and back 2 times a day to get her to school. And she has an amazingly wonderful teacher (who doesn't care about the 'PC' stuff about personal boundarys in school and gave me a hug today when picked ayla up. I was crying and she asked what was wrong so I told her and she hugged me. And she REALLY LOVES our kids! And ayla LOVES her, and she has a best friend (they were holding hands today, SO CUTE) and so many friends, and she is finally settling down and adjusting to her classroom and everything...

I didn't want to take that away. So I spent all day today on the phone and computer calling and emailing everyone I could think of to help at the school district (and friends as well to see if anyone could possibly help)

And it turns out, that in situations like this, its considered 'being forced out of home' and because of the no child left behind act, the school district has a program in place so that if a student in the school district, loses their home, and has no way to get to and from school anymore, they will PAY me (or my mom) 47c a mile! And from what my dad says, really the range for most cars is only 10-30 cents in gas to drive a mile (depending on your miliage ability)

So my mom said with this program, we can continue to take her to her school :) :)

Which I'm glad for also because I walked by the school here in my moms neighborhood today when school let out. And DID NOT LIKE IT. It was so disorganized, and unsupervised. A KINDERGARDENER was walking around in the street ALONE, and there were no teachers or parent volunteers supervising! Not even CROSSING GUARDS!!

Jennie,
Thank god you had the courage and the sense to get out of there. I'm very proud of you. There are not a lot of women who can do that. They always seem to think things will get better, and they rarely do.

Good luck with the coming days and Happy belated Birthday!:)

Please keep us informed.

Congratulations, Jennie! I'm so happy to hear you are getting away from the abuse and also that your daughter can stay in her school. That's wonderful!

To help your daughter handle the abuse that's been going on (and I don't just mean physical abuse), I recommend Lundy Bancroft's book "When Dad Hurts Mom (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0425200310/ref=s9_intb_c2_t1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=14G6CFTQ0FVXZ2ZK4GJF&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=470938631&pf_rd_i=507846)." I hope you can get it from the library.

Your life is going to be better now.

Oh jeni best wishes with everything your going through right now. Keep yourself and your daughter safe. Think before you act. Your at a tough time right now. I hate to see you act out against him and then have it held against you in court. Be strong and wise. Good luck and come back to keep us posted.

Jennie,I am glad you are being strong and taking what I know is not the easy path to a better life,but a better path in the long run.
My only advice is to not go back to your place without someone to protect you.
There is no telling what kind of mental state your husband is in and I worry for your safety.
Leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman who has been abused.
I know this was not a pattern of his but the potential for escalated abuse still exists.
Many Blessings my dear,stay strong!

Jennie, when you go back, as Artsy has said, have a police officer accompany you. Since you have filed charges, they will go with you for protection. Also, make a list of everything you are taking as that may be admissible in court should he make a problem of it.

Stick to your guns girl. The next thing coming is him saying he is sorry, that he will never do this again, and that he loves you. This is the cycle of abuse. Be aware of it, be ready for it, but don't be fooled by it.

I'm glad things are looking up for you Jennie. I'm not sure what neutral means when it comes to the police. Who told you that? Assault is assault, he needs to be charged, and the arrest on record so when it comes time to go to court the judge can see that. I'm sorry about the wedding "stuff", but maybe you didn't even want the pictures being a reminder of him.

I can't believe I wasted my time defending him.

Good luck on the future.

Jennie, about your daughter, let me expand a little.

My kids' father was abusive and I found that the most important single thing I could do after our divorce was to acknowledge when my kids had be treated unfairly or harshly, whether by him or by someone else. They needed to know that cruelty was not normal, not okay, and that feeling hurt by cruel behavior is normal and okay--that they weren't "oversensitive" etc. I couldn't always do anything about the things that happened to them, but I could be there to listen and acknowledge it. That's the single most important thing I learned from Lundy Bancroft's book.

Thanks everyone. And no one needs to feel bad. I have spent 3 years defending him against family and friends. (of course I've also done my share of 'witching' too. But still)

A good example is when I was babysitting for a neighbor (not the abusive mean one a different one) she came home and we hung out a bit. Not even 30 minutes after she was due home, issac was at the door asking when I was coming home. I said 'in a little while we are just talking' (keep in mind, ayla was already in bed, so its not like he was 'stuck' doing anything in my absence... not to mention he left ayla there alone. Yes, it was just 20ft away. But it still bugged me)

So 10 minutes go by again and he is at the door again and says 'you need to come home now'

So I start getting up and getting ready and my friend goes 'excuse me!! Don't you talk to her that way!! ' and I looked at her like SHE was crazy lol. It didn't bother me. I think because of how abusive my daughters biological father was (he was REALLY bad, like, text book physical sexual emotional social abuse) I just didn't think of issac as abusive. You know? It just didn't seem 'that bad'


I'm also always telling my mom 'oh, you know how he is, its not his fault he doenst understand'


I agree I am definitely NOT going over there without either a police escort, or my uncle (the expolice, now working as a guard at the jail. Hehe, he intimidates issac. He is one of those big police officers. Bald head, goatee beard, a little hefty but A lot of muscle, and 6'7" hehe)


Hey asking, can I ask you something? (sorry for the pun lol)
What do I tell ayla cause she keeps asking 'why can't we still live with daddy, he loves me'
:( :( unfortunately, its looking like I will be completely cutting him from our lives... if it weren't for his violence, and just flat out immature violent behavior lately, not just hitting me, I would have been open to letting them still be together. You know? But the answer is NO now. And as horrible as it sounds, I am GLAD I am able to do that. I am GLAD he never adopted her as we were planning. As hard as it will be for my babygirl, I think I'm just going to tell him to 'you know what -- OFF'

my uncle (the expolice, now working as a guard at the jail. hehe, he intimidates issac. he is one of those big police officers. bald head, goatee beard, a little hefty but ALOT of muscle, and 6'7" hehe)



Always good to have an uncle that fits THAT description!

yes alty I filed a report. Not much can really be done at this point, as from what I understand, domestic voilence in this area is VERY VERY common and the police have to be nuetral in these affairs. But the report is made.

That's not true at all. Who did you talk to Jennie?

Your husband should be charged with assault and jailed. It doesn't matter if domestic violence is common or not.

That would be like saying "murder is very common in this area so the police don't arrest murderers".

You have rights, and one of them is to charge your husband.

Take a look at this website, there is some valuable information there.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VICTIM INFORMATION CENTER (http://www.phoenix.gov/VICTIMSDV/)

I would really love a word or two with the police officer that told you there was nothing they could do. Utter bull!

so 10 minutes go by again and he is at the door again and says 'you need to come home now'

So I start getting up and getting ready and my friend goes 'excuse me!! Don't you talk to her that way!! ' and I looked at her like SHE was crazy lol.

That's funny. It's a real eye opener when someone stands up for you in a situation like that.

Why SHOULD you have an arbitrary curfew when you are just talking to a friend and, as you say, 20 feet away?



hey asking, can I ask you something? (sorry for the pun lol)
What do I tell ayla cause she keeps asking 'why can't we still live with daddy, he loves me'
:( :( unfortunately, its looking like I will be completely cutting him from our lives... if it weren't for his violence, and just flat out immature violent behavior lately, not just hitting me, I would have been open to letting them still be together. You know? But the answer is NO now. And as horrible as it sounds, I am GLAD I am able to do that. I am GLAD he never adopted her as we were planning. As hard as it will be for my babygirl, I think I'm just going to tell him to 'you know what -- OFF'

The pun is fine. :)

About Ayla, that's a tough one. I had to go through that with my two kids. Of course, my abusive ex was their father and he's always had part time custody. I would advise first of all ruthless honesty now and in the future. If you never lie to her, she will always trust you and know she can count on you. Second, be clear that keeping her safe and loved is your absolute first priority.

I would say something like, "yes he does love you, but we can't live with him anymore because he and I are having a hard time being friends anymore." Tell her how sorry you are that this is so hard on her, that it's not her fault, but you tried and you just can't get along with him.

The important thing here is to make sure she knows that you are on her side first and foremost. Try not to dump on him in her presence, although when she is older I think it's fine to explain more if she wants to know. For now, you need to protect your relationship with her, so he can't somehow drive any sort of wedge between you. Be absolutely loyal to her no matter what.

If she wants to know why you can't live together tell her the truth as much as possible without too much detail. Like you could say, "he's been angry and upset, and I want for both of us to have some quiet time for now." If she asks if you will ever get back together I would say "probably not." Other people may disagree with this. But I really believe in honesty. It will hurt her and she may grieve for a while. But I think that's better than leaving her wondering for a long time, trying to manipulate you into getting back together with him. This part is painful, but just understand her point of view and don't be grumpy with her when she suggests it.

I once read that we should give children red lights and green lights and avoid yellow lights. Don't leave things unclear. Either say yes we will do this or no, we won't. Yes, you can have a cookie, or no you can't (and stick to that). It means making a lot of quick decisions and sticking to them. And it means not saying "maybe" unless you absolutely have to.

Hoping this is helpful.

OK ill call again and talk to someone else. It was a dispatcher. I'm not sure if they really are police officers or not.

ok ill call again and talk to someone else. it was a dispatcher. im not sure if they really are police officers or not.

Did you get the name of the dispatcher because I would love a word or two with that person.

What exactly did you say when you called? Also, I though you filed a report. You have to go to the police station to do that and a police man/woman takes your statement, not a dispatcher. There is no way that they would tell you that they can't do anything. What Isaac did is against the law and chargeable by law.

It may be too late to charge him now, it's been a few days since the incident.

Did you at least take pictures of your face, where he hit you? The bruises can be used as evidence against him but you really need to charge him with domestic assault.

I also agree that honesty is the best. I just didn't want to just come out and say 'because he doesn't want us anymore'
Which is sort of true, because he is talking about moving to his moms house in las vegas, which means, he doesn't want to see her anymore. But I don't want to tell her that :( I don't know what that would do to her.

I have been as honest as I can, saying that mommy and daddy just can't get along. But she is so damn smart (beams with sad pride) she says 'well its OK if daddy doesn't like you but he loves me still'
I just don't know how to answer that...

I am also considering having her see a child psychologist (the one that doesn't give meds, the one that talks with you) to get her to open up. I KNOW she is angry, frustrated, upset, sad, but she just won't talk to me about it. I try so hard not to push the issue, but its hard not knowing what is going through my baby's mind. I try to let her know that its OK to be angry but she just shrugs it off. And I know from many years of bottling emotions up, that's NOT good for you.

Do you think a psychologist is a good idea? She can even see mine, as she is licensed in children too. That way the doctor can have a clear painted picture of the both of us you know?

Sorry, I'm just rambling lol

It didn't leave a mark. It was on my jaw, and I don't bruise easily :( its just painful as heck to chew at the moment lol.

I'm all confused by all of this. Maybe I need to talk to some higher ups at the sherrifs office. Cause a friend of mine went through a divorce because he was beating on her, and I was right there with her when the police officers told her that all she can do is file a restraining order and move away from him. They didn't arrest him, question him or anything. In fact they kind of seemed lik they didn't believe her in the first place.

I filed the report. And they said they are going to start the investigation tomorrow. I told them that the apartment manager took pictures and saw the damage herself, and one of the ladies in the apartment office accually saw him herself when he was 'throwing a fit' cause he came to the office to tell them that I left and he was acting like a jerk and cussing and screaming.

Ill be back in a bit, going to go give ayla a bath, snack and bed. *hugs* thank you everyone again. Its nice to have someone to sit and talk to about all this.

Hmmm... someone remind me to change my signature when I get back OK?

its just painful as heck to chew at the moment lol.

Did you go to the doctors office? If it hurts to chew then damage was done. Also, going to the doctors office will document that you were injured when he hit you. This is important to establish abuse.


I filed the report. And they said they are going to start the investigation tomorrow.

I'm surprised they didn't arrest him when they came to the house.

Did you read the link I posted? There's a lot of helpful info there. Maybe you should print some of it out to remind the police in your neighborhood what exactly they're paid to do.

It sounds like he's already succeeded in making her feel like she's in competition with you--'well its OK if daddy doesn't like you but he loves me still' This is too bad. But you are right not to react to it.

I don't think you can really say what's in his mind. I would definitely not say that he doesn't want to see Ayla anymore. I would just say that he's moving to be closer to his mother right now because he feels like he needs to be near her. Ayla should be able to understand that. If she asks why, it's okay to say you don't know. You don't have to have an answer to everything. The important thing is to acknowledge her sadness. Let her express it.

Altenweg is right about documenting the physical abuse. I was "slapped" hard enough so that I could not chew for a week and another time, he cracked my arm bone--not a real break, but it hurt for a year and we both heard it crack. He even admitted he broke my arm, which was a big admission for him. (Now he says it was self defense, which is a complete joke.) There wasn't much to see in either case and I never went to the doctor. You have no idea how much I have regretted not establishing a paper trail.

I wish I had gone straight to a doctor both times. But I was so humiliated and just wanted to hole up and lick my wounds, not go out and explain to strangers why my popular university professor husband was knocking me about. People always used to ask, "What did you do to make him so angry?" It's better now.

So, yes, paper trial...

Jennie, it's best to get a victims advocate.

You're in Phoenix, right?

To have an advocate assist you, call 602-261-8192.

Thanks for that number alty. Ill try to call them now and if they aren't there ill call them in the morning.

They didn't arrest him. They made him leave though. They told him 'either you go to a family or friends house, or we take you to jail over night'
They do that to 'let him calm down'
Aparently, because I yelled at him, to the cops, it was a case of domestic disturbance rather than abuse.
But I AM going to fight it. I'm going to go to urgent care tomorrow and show them my jaw so they can have documents about it. And my sister says that the order of protection will help in court too, because they only aproove orders of protection if there is a reason to fear for your safety. Otherwise you can file a no contact order, but there is no doubt I won't get it.
From what my sister explained to me (she went through the order of protecting thing with her mother several times, due to drugs and abuse) is that, restraining orders are for people NOT related to you, protection orders are for related people. Since he is my husband and not my boyfriend, it would be an order of protection. At least that's how she explained it to me.

I'm going to go post over on the legal board and see if our buddy excon or anyone over there has any idea what the policemen are doing.

because I yelled at him, to the cops, it was a case of domestic disturbance rather than abuse.

No, not true. He hit you, that's assault.

The law is that he goes to jail for assault, he doesn't get to leave and cool off.

Something isn't right here Jennie. Did you not tell them he hit you?

Anyone with advice for Jennie.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/family-law/some-adv1ce-393002.html

I'm only on page 7 of this thread, but I thought I saw somewhere that you mentioned World of Warcraft. Do you and your husband play that game?

If so, it does cost $14.99/month for a subscription. Might help you to have some extra cash by canceling your account and re-upping it when your monetary situation is better.

If you do not play, please disregard this post :)

I'm only on page 7 of this thread, but I thought I saw somewhere that you mentioned World of Warcraft. Do you and your husband play that game?

If so, it does cost $14.99/month for a subscription. Might help you to have some extra cash by canceling your account and re-upping it when your monetary situation is better.

If you do not play, please disregard this post :)

This is why it's important to read all the posts in a thread like this.

Jennie has opted for divorce.

This is why it's important to read all the posts in a thread like this.

Jennie has opted for divorce.

Divorce or not, she may still be having financial issues, due to not being able to work or having emotional instability when working.

It was just a suggestion on how to save some money, if applicable.

Divorce or not, she may still be having financial issues, due to not being able to work or having emotional instability when working.

It was just a suggestion on how to save some money, if applicable.

True, but she's now living with her mother.

It's still really important to read all the posts, just so you know what's going on.

First, I would recommend "Financial Peace University" by Dave Ramsey. (Real Debt Help - Get out of debt with Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover Plan. (http://www.daveramsey.com)) when you can afford it. Then try counseling through a good local church. Sometimes they can and will teach and say things that conventional counselors don't.

Hi everyone.
I guess the saying is true 'when it rains it pours' my grandmother has been in a bad MS attack for about a week now, in severe pain whenever she even just moved a little and developed a 104.8 fever yesterday, and refused to let me cool her down with a towl, wouldn't take any medicine for me, wouldn't even take her daily regular medications and I couldn't put her in the tub or shower, because she has to be able to help me. Normally she has upper body strenth and can hold herself up. But during this attack, she is so lifeless there is just no way to put her in the shower safely. So I told her 'granmda I love you very much, but if you DO NOT let me get your fever down before it kills you (it made it up to 105.4!! ) I am calling the hosptial to take you in and you WILL get your medicine from them.

So that's where I was yesterday. She hates hospitals and was so upset that we took her. But it was a blessing that I decided to take her, because we also found out that she had a bad bad BAD UTI that the doctor said was so so close to making her septic. She also was extreamly dehydrated (I gave her water, she was drinking, but the fever was drying it all up) AND, what would have killed her faster than anything else, was that her potassium was at 2.1!! Normal is 3.5 and low is 2.5, but hers was dangerously low.

But she is OK now. Once they forced the tyenol into her (rectally unfortunately because she refused to take it orally)

And hung a saline drip and van-co-my-acine (sorry I can't spell it right) and leviquin. Then a potassium bag (in a seperage I've for some reason) she got better almost immediately. About 2 hours later, she was talking louder and clearer, her face wasn't so pale, and she wasn't in pain anymore. So I'm sure that made her feel better.


I am sorry everyone. Even I see the problems that your talking about... and I'm sorry I made you all not believe me...

J, your right, I'm sorry I'm not taking my meds, I forgot them at the old house. And though its only been a few days, its probably affecting me. I've been feeling a little depressed. But that's it.

I am a little blasé about all of this... but you guys have to realise that I spent a lot of years with aylas bio father treating me like this, I don't like to say this, because its terrible, but I'm kind of 'used to it' I'm sorry :(

Alty, you know that I don't disagree with you hardly ever. In fact I can't remember anytime I have disagreed with you... but I have to here. You private messaged me (I won't share the message) that men don't all of a sudden change to abusive. Your wrong hon. It does happen. Aylas dad started as sweet as sweet can be. And he gradually slowly changed and became more and more controlling until he was finally pushing me and then throwing things at me and then hitting me. *hugs* I hope me disagreeing with you doesn't make you mad.


I'm going to try to make a list of all the stuff that happened. These last few





Teusday morning 9/1:

I was on the phone with mom, he asked what was for dinner. I said 'hang on hon ill tell you in a sec'
This was when I was in a good mood, and was talking nicely...

He started stomping, yelling, 'f-ing stupid b#### can't even anwer my dam question'
And stomped off into the other room.

My mom said she couldn't hear me over him so she told me to talk to him and call her later while he was at work.


This is where I think it got confusing in all my rush and anger and upsetness while posting originally. I'm reading back as I type this out to fix any errors.
FIRST he said 'your mother is an f-ing b#### anyway, I don't know why you even talk to her'

Then I yelled at him and told him ALL the things my mother has done for us. Like pay our bills when we were behind, she let us live with her when we first got married. And then let us move back in when we lost our first place. She has done SO MUCH for us, and asks nothing in return. Yet she is a 'bi###'

Then he ran at me and hit me in the face. It was in the side of my jaw on the right side (he is left handed to let you know just so that it doenst confuse anyone)

This is also where it got confusing (for me too, now that I am reading everything)

He left for work after hitting me. After he hit me I stormed into my room and slammed and locked the door. He left for work.

I called my mom back and said 'im sorry I can't deal with this anymore'

She told me to pack my things and call uncle ted (the police officer) to come get our stuff in his truck.

It was while my uncle and aunt were there helping me pack that issac called and tried to say sorry, and I said I'm sorry too, because I can't handle this anymore'and he said 'what are you talking about are you leaving? " and I said 'YES I AM'

He hung up. Which told me he was on his way so I called the cops.

Issac got there and was freaking out (he kept switching back and fourth between being angry for me taking the computer, and crying telling me not to leave)

And by the way, the computer is the ONLY common property I took, because it has aylas school stuff in it, my school stuff in it, and my job searches in it. I left him EVERYTHING. I only took my clothing, aylas stuff, and the computer. And I was going to get my nic nacs and vases, but those got destroyed.

Then the police were there, and saw how agitated he was, and how upset I was and told issac to leave and come back when I was gone. Then the police officer advised me to make a report about him hitting me.

So I told issac the truck was full and I would be back tomrrow to get the rest of it. Issac left. We finished getting my stuff in the truck and all that. And left.

Later that night, issac called. Threw a fit screaming. All that is accurate. He yelled screamed threw a fit. Told me he destroyed my stuff. Called ALL night long. I finally shut my phone off, and he started calling my moms phone so my dad answered and told him to stop calling.




WEDNESDAY, 2/9:

After taking ayla to school with uncle ted (I don't go over there without him anymore) we went by the house to get the rest of my stuff. And he had absolutely destroyed EVERYTHING . Not just my stuff. EVERYTHING. I told the apartment manager and she came and took pictures. After we got what little we could salvage, we went home and I called the police (which I needed to do anyway) and filed a report for him hitting me, harassing me on the phone, and destroying my stuff. I figured that was the best way to to it instead of doing a bunch of separate ones.


Yesterday, Thursday 3/9::

I went to the doctors this morning, got some pain pills (IB 800mg) the doctor said it was sore and bruised, but its nothing more than soft tissue soreness.

This was the day that grandma went into the hopstial and I was there from lunch time at about 12, until this morning at 6.


I hope this clears stuff up...

i hope this clears stuff up...

Yeah it does... you need to take your meds. The story is still bogus.

Um... duh...
I have an appointment on Monday to get new prescriptions from my doctor... ive only been with out them for 3 days

Jennie, the fact remains, the police would not have let him leave if he assaulted you. That's not the way things are done, ever!

That's the part I find hardest to believe.

Well I'm sorry I don't know what to tell you.

Thanks everyone.

well im sorry i dont know what to tell you.

thanks everyone.

Jennie, I just want the truth, that's all.

I wish I could believe you, I really do. If you were assaulted and you're just really
Bad at telling the facts, then you deserve all the help you can get.

If you were on the outside looking in, what would you think? There are just too many
Things that don't add up, the police and their lack of action being the main thing, at least
To me.

I don't know how you can clear this up, I really don't, but right now, you haven't, not for
Me anyway.

Either way, there is help for you, so I hope you get it, whatever it may be.

I just have to throw something out there. The fact is that some cops are bad at doing their jobs. My dad went on a number of rampages breaking things, hitting me and my mother. He tried to run her over in the street, after he'd already hit her. We called the police and got the same bs response along the lines of "he didn't really do anything wrong...sir, leave til you've cooled off...it's his house, he can do what he wants." they even told me and my mother that we shouldn't do things to upset him. I wish that I knew then all that I know now because looking back I know how wrong they were. But back then, I didn't know anything. And my mother was useless. So, I don't know, maybe the cops did give jennie the wrong information, maybe she's not giving us the full store. But it is possible that the cops that she spoke with were the same sort of lazy no-good cops that came out for me.

Jennie,

Before I ask a couple of questions, I want to let you know a bit about who I am so that you don't think I am a newcomer who only read the last page or pages 1-10.

In case you haven't seen the introduction page, I am Cats' Cat (spouse, wife, life mate, whatever term you want to use :) ). I may have just joined but I have been reading the boards for quite awhile and have read this one since it began.

As the others have stated, I, too, have noticed some inconsistencies in the time-line and events. Most of the time-line problems are a bit clearer after your post earlier today. However, one event in particular and the people involved still needs some clarification.

Where was your uncle (the ex-police officer-current guard) when Isaac showed up and started rampaging and when the officers told you to "file a report" about him hitting you? I am finding it difficult to believe that he of all people would have allowed the officers to essentially dismiss your accusation.

Did you tell the police about the physical abuse before they told him to leave? Or after he was already gone? If after, why didn't your aunt or uncle say anything?

Jennie,I hope your gram gets well soon.

I had two family members with MS and two good friends.

Things can go from bad to worse very quickly with an M.S. patient.
What struck me when you were talking about your Gram was her potassium level.

My father was misdiagnosed as having M.S. for many years (I'm guessing at least 8 yrs) and his problem,as it turned out was severe potassium insufficiency.

I don't know how long your Gram has been diagnosed but I just thought I would throw that out there to you in case there have ever been any inconsistencies with her diagnosis.

My father suffered needlessly for years!

Hope all is well with you and Ayla :)

I had some questions myself, but never bothered responding. Glad I am not the only one that sees it.

In defense of Jennie

I am a little surprised that people are questioning Jennie's story so closely. It is easy to get the sequence of events confused when things are chaotic and upsetting. Lots of people were involved over a short period, she moved out of her house, many things were said in the heat of anger. It is also easy to imagine the cops not locking him up if they were not specifically asked to. The prosecution of domestic violence cases varies considerably by jurisdiction. We haven't heard the cops' version of what happened or their particular constraints on that day. I am not saying the cops were right, but only that many factors go into such decisions and their failure to arrest him does not mean that Isaac did not hit Jennie or that her story is "wrong."

As for abuse, it is NORMAL for abusers to be particularly charming and to sweep partners off their feet. Abusers are not mean at first. If anything, they are especially nice. And they fall in love too. They want to win someone over and be loved. The abuse comes later, sometimes building gradually, sometimes beginning all at once--often after a committing event, such as moving in together, engagement, marriage, a baby, or the partner quitting a job and becoming a dependent, stay at home parent.

It's popular to say that partners who have been subjected to abuse were raised that way and in some fashion "go looking for it." That may be true in some cases, but I emphatically reject it as a general explanation. First of all, abusers are often really hard to spot. Nobody goes out on a second date with someone who is hostile or controlling on the first date. Often, abusers are quite popular outside the home and people may think they have a great marriage because that's the way they tell it and that's the way they act when others are around. Second, lots of women (and men) who end up with abusive partners were not abused as children or teens.

Here's what I found for the Phoenix area and domestic abuse victims.

When a police officer arrives, describe what happened. Tell the officer about any injuries such as bruises, cuts, redness, or tender areas. Also let the officer know if anyone else witnessed the incident and can support your statement. The officer will decide if there is enough evidence to make an arrest.

If arrested, the offender will be taken away and secured until appearing before a magistrate who will determine the terms and conditions of the release.

Once an offense is referred to the courts for action, you, the victim, will be kept informed of all aspects of the proceedings according to the victims' rights law. Victims of crime are encouraged to participate in the judicial process.

The penalties for an offender found guilty of domestic violence related crime vary greatly. The court may be able to order the offender into a counseling program to begin breaking the cycle of violence.

The only way that Isaac could have avoided arrest is if the police officer didn't believe Jennie's account of what happened.

Found here;

Phoenix Police Department - Domestic Violence is against the law. (http://www.phoenix.gov/Police/dvlear1.html)

I got a paper to fill out from the police in the mail (I can't go back to the apartment obviously, but the apartment is in phoenix, while my mom is in glendale. And I guess the police won't come to the other city outside of their jurisdiction, but the glendale police can't help because it all happened in phoenix. At least that's what they told me)

Its got 2 things I need to fill out. One is a statement from me stating what happened, what he did, what I did, what led to it, and what came after.

The other is an itemized list of the things he destroyed in the apartment. They told me to list EVERYTHING, just in case, because I might not know what is considered 'common property' or MY property. Along with a general price range. Which ill fill out, but I really don't care about the money (except for the dress which was 300$ and it really hurt because I was planning on saving it for aylas wedding)

I really do apreciate all the support and help I'm getting from everyone. I'm very sorry that everything is so unclear. I'm trying my best to get it all out to you guys.

*hugs*



Arty, grandma has had MS for a LONG time. There is no question its not MS. from what her doctor told us (her regular Internist (I think that's the right term) , not the ER doc)
She said that potassium levels will drop slightly during an attack. And that her refusing to eat, because she felt so crappy from the fever and dehydration, made the potassium worse.

Also an update on that, she ate this morning. Which is awesome. She ate well. She is more coherant. And her BP, potassium, and magnesium (which was also slightly low,) and her hydration is all back up to standards.

its got 2 things I need to fill out. One is a statement from me stating what happened, what he did, what I did, what led to it, and what came after.

But you said you already filed a report. Why do you have to do it again?

I'm not filing a report again. I already filed the report. They said I had to write the statement and write down the things he distroyed and sign them.

I know I am going to catch hell for this but he works.. it is 2009 is he a ceo, vice president, president of some corporate company? No sounds like a regular guy be thankful.

i know i am going to catch hell for this but he works..it is 2009 is he a ceo, vice president, president of some corporate company? no sounds like a regular guy be thankful.

How much of this have you read?

i know i am going to catch hell for this but he works..it is 2009 is he a ceo, vice president, president of some corporate company? no sounds like a regular guy be thankful.

Are you posted in the wrong thread:confused: What you are saying has nothing to do with this. I'm confused.

i know i am going to catch hell for this but he works..it is 2009 is he a ceo, vice president, president of some corporate company? no sounds like a regular guy be thankful.

I think he/she only read the first post. But either way that still doest make sense to me, as my first post was about him spending money we don't have and then complaining about not having any. Not ME complaining about not having money.

i think he/she only read the first post. but either way that still doest make sence to me, as my first post was about him spending money we dont have and then complaining about not having any. not ME complaining about not having money.

When a thread goes over 16 pages ,it's a good idea to keep up with the thread or the post just comes off as questionable!
Also ,it is of no real benefit to the O.P. as what applied then clearly does not apply now!

When I first started on this site, WAY back when I was 26:D I read the instructions, but still had no idea that there were more than one page of posts.:eek:
I think I was blind, until Starby yelled at some one else for doing the same thing and then I caught on:rolleyes:

There are INSTRUCTIONS? :eek:

I never read any... :o

All I have to add, Jennie, is if he hit you, for ANY reason, I don't blame you.

All I have to add, everyone else, is who reads instructions? I just skimmed them, and link them for the ppl hoo tlk n txt spk, kuz itz anoyng!!!!!111

Actually HH, I didn't read the instructions... :o But I have the habit to learn as I use, so... I never liked chat speak neither, because that may ruin my english, which is tested every year, so yeah. As for the rules, I learned when the others tell to the newbies to read the rules, that ---- is not permitted, etc, etc.

Hey everyone. Those of you who do, can you pray for my grandma? And those who don't, keep her in your thoughts?

She is better. Much healthier. On antibiotics, no more fever, and is eating well again and getting her strength back. Thankfully I think the MS attack is gone too.

But one of her bed sores, got SO bad during her MS attack and infection, it is now a gaping whole on her bottom :( literally. I'm not kidding. It looks like the doctor cut her open down to the muscle and fatty tissue and took a circle of skin away.
She had 'escar' ? Is how it SOUNDS when the doctor told us. I think its spelled non phonetically though.

Here is the closest picture I could find (graphic, if your sensitive please don't click, this is mostly for the ladies with medical backgrounds who may want to see, or anyone who is curious)

http://www.silvermedicine.org/beforepackwound1c.jpg

Now, this isn't her, I didn't want to subject her to a picture of her butt :(
But her wound is about the same size, but deeper.

They used a wound vac to get the escar cleared away, and its finally starting to heal with the 'wet to dry' we got from the doctor until we can get a portable wound vac to use (my aunt is a licensed RN and my mom has been trained to care for her wounds)

But please pray for a speedy recovery for her.


I never thought I would say this, but I am SO thankfull for the MS making her a paraplegic 5 years ago, because if she was able to FEEL this, it would be TERRIBLE for her...

Ow! (I looked.) I will think good thoughts for your granny.

Take care, Jennie

I have been through and abusive relationship and I can say this... If you can't make it work through a councilor, then you need to go while you can. He can still be a dad you can still be a mom, separately. The one thing I have seen no one focus on is the child. My goodness, how do you think she will view a relationship when she is older. Do you really believe that this is a healthy life for her? To show her that buying cigarettes is more important than her school supplies? To have to listen yelling and cussing? I know this little girl loves both her mom and her dad, but remember what your teaching her with this life. You don't have to take her away to take yourself away. NEVER NEVER stay in a bad or abusive relationship for the sake of a child, all its does is cause more damage and continue the cycle. Children who have witnessed abuse are far more likely to grow up and get in an abusive relationship themselves or become an abuser. Give yourself a break. Go to your moms for awhile. Take some time to breath and focus on what YOU want out of your life. Don't be a financial or emotional hostage.

Do the math, if he is over drawing your account that much, it is costing you a lot of money all by itself. Go to your local Dept of Human services and ask for some help. Go to a councilor BY Yourself. And make a choice that is right for you and your daughter. If you chose to stay... put your foot down and stick to your ultimatum. He will either come around and prove he can change or prove to you its time to go.

Good luck girl.

Hey hon.
You got to read everything. But thanks for all that. I left him for good because he punched me in the face over a stupid phone call because I wouldn't put the call on hold to tell him what was for dinner (it was a call about my grandma who was sick)

But thanks *hugs* I do see a counselor of my own.


I have been through and abusive relationship and I can say this....If you can't make it work through a councilor, then you need to go while you can. He can still be a dad you can still be a mom, separately. The one thing I have seen no one focus on is the child. My goodness, how do you think she will view a relationship when she is older. Do you really believe that this is a healthy life for her? To show her that buying cigarettes is more important than her school supplies? to have to listen yelling and cussing? I know this little girl loves both her mom and her dad, but remember what your teaching her with this life. You don't have to take her away to take yourself away. NEVER NEVER stay in a bad or abusive relationship for the sake of a child, all its does is cause more damage and continue the cycle. Children who have witnessed abuse are far more likely to grow up and get in an abusive relationship themselves or become an abuser. Give yourself a break. Go to your moms for awhile. Take some time to breath and focus on what YOU want out of your life. Don't be a financial or emotional hostage.

Do the math, if he is over drawing your account that much, it is costing you a lot of money all by itself. Go to your local Dept of Human services and ask for some help. Go to a councilor BY YOUR SELF. and make a choice that is right for you and your daughter. If you chose to stay...put your foot down and stick to your ultimatum. He will either come around and prove he can change or prove to you its time to go.

Good luck girl.

Holy cow... I didn't see how long this thing was. I only got through the first page or two. So guess Im totally lost. Glad you left.

Jennie, your grandmother is in my thoughts and prayers. So are you and Ayla.

I second that Cat... Eww, that seems really awful that hole :( Your grandmother is in my prayers :)

He is in jail!

Don't ask me WHY it took so long for them to arrest him. Maybe they were investigating or something. I hope so because they would also see that all my life I have lived without being admitted to the mental wing of the hosptial. But as soon as I was with him, I was in and out several times a year. And then I'm sure they got my record from the urgent care clinic for my jaw. My family says no one talked to them though.

But he is in jail for 90 days. And the restraining order went through so he isn't allowed around either me or my daughter, and that also means, I get off the rent and electric bills.

Well, I take it as good news for you Jennie! :) I hope once he's out, he won't be looking for you :eek: That would be the worst thing that can happen which I can think of. Better for you and him that he forgets you.

All I can say is "wow!" :eek:

I hope this means that things are working out for you.

How are you and Ayla holding up? :)

Ugh I agree, I hope he doesn't sit in jail and stew on this awhile. Then get out even more ticked off. Sure there is a restraining order but that doesn't stop everybody.

I am so happy for you and your daughter. Are you still at your moms? Are you working and its going OK? How is your grandmother?

Grandma is getting much better. She has an appointment with a surgeon to look at the wound and decide to surgecly close it or not. And she is physically well aside from the wound its self.

I agree. I hope he doesn't get out of jail and come looking for us. But the bonus is I am still at my moms house, and my uncle lives here. And issac KNOWS my uncle lives here. As well as my father who is retired military and a war vet. I don't think he would risk that. And the school knows he is not allowed anywhere NEAR ayla and if he were to go to the school they would call the police and have him arrested again.

All is going well. I am in a GED prep course. I looked at all the local schools and couldn't find a college that would allow me to start school before getting the GED. I knew that a college in WA state had one like that because my mom went to it, but none here that I could find.

I do some online surveys here at home at night before bed. I haven't earned any money like they promised yet lol but at least they aren't charging me anything lol.

I also have a friend now, who lives next door, and on days I don't go to the GED class, me and her take the girls to school (her daughter is in aylas class) we hang out at the coffee shop to relax. Its nice. I never got to do that when married to issac for some reason. He never said no. but something always stopped me from asking if I could.

And now that I think about it... I really didn't need his permission in the first place. I'm slowly working through my co-dependant submissive issues. I doubt I will ever stop being submissive as that is just who I am. But at least I can have some more self confidance and be more independent

I am very glad that your grandmother is doing better. I hope she has a speedy recovery.

Have fun studying and spending time with your new friend. :)

I'm glad to here things are going well for you :)

Everything is going on great then! Well, only remains the studies. Good luck for those GED courses! :)

To whomever suggested that I get the book "when Dad Hurts Mom' by Lundy Bancroft
Thank yoU SO MUCH! I got it from the library yesterday and I have been reading it. And I'm not sure if its true, or if this writer is biased or something, but from what this writer says, my soon to be ex husband was (and still is) abusive towards me in SO MANY ways that I never noticed. Probably because of my experience with my daughters father who was 'truely' abusive physically beating me and raping me, I didn't notice when my husband angrily demanded I come home from my neighbors house after only 30 minutes of talking with her (about unimportant girl stuff) or when he corners me against the kitchen counter to tower over me and yell at me. Granted, I yelled back sometimes, and I was wrong, but I'm almost positive that I wasn't as threatening or intimidating as he was.

So thanks for this book. I haven't gotten to the advice about helping the kids with it yet, I'm still reading through the beginning where he is describing different abuse scenarios. But I LOVE this book!

I hope this doesn't make me sound mean or judgemental or critical or anything but id like to get some opinions on it.

It seems very 'conveinient' and more than coincidence to me.

Issac found out yesterday that I filed the police report about him destorying my things. And he called me this morning to say he was so so sorry about it and he was angry and didn't mean to and he was sorry.

Its been a month. Is it wrong of me to NOT take this apologie at face falue? I accepted it politely. But I honestly don't believe it.

Your husband is mentally challenged, what happens if you don't take the apology at face value? Nothing changes, what's done is done. He lost his cool, it's hard to believe that when faced with a consequence he wouldn't regret his actions.

Is he calling from jail?

Since the apology came after he found out he was in trouble for his actions, face value isn't much.

If he had apologized before finding out about the police report, I would put more stock in it. As it is, it sounds like something a lawyer would suggest to try to lessen the damages.

I hope all is still going well for you and Ayla and your grandmother.

i hope this doesnt make me sound mean or judgemental or critical or anything but id like to get some opinions on it.

it seems very 'conveinient' and more than coincidence to me.

issac found out yesterday that i filed the police report about him destorying my things. and he called me this morning to say he was so so sorry about it and he was angry and didnt mean to and he was sorry.

its been a month. is it wrong of me to NOT take this apologie at face falue? i accepted it politely. but i honestly dont believe it.

I am a day late on this but in my opinion who cares what he says at this point. He did it and its done. You can't get those things back. Sorry won't bring them back.

Even if he wasn't in trouble, he would probably attempt to contact you. He's your husband. Real love and feelings don't disolve over night From this point what is most important is what you do with the contact that you have with him. If you take it at face value isn't as important at this point. If you edcide to take him back without first seeking help or counseling that might not be in your best interest. I think it's important that you grow from the experience just as much as he does. Live and learn and apply what you learn and you'll get there.

i hope this doesnt make me sound mean or judgemental or critical or anything but id like to get some opinions on it.

it seems very 'conveinient' and more than coincidence to me.

issac found out yesterday that i filed the police report about him destorying my things. and he called me this morning to say he was so so sorry about it and he was angry and didnt mean to and he was sorry.

its been a month. is it wrong of me to NOT take this apologie at face falue? i accepted it politely. but i honestly dont believe it.

Someone dropped the ball if he was allowed to call from jail!
He would have to call collect and if would be a violation of a restraining order for him to contact you.
You should not even be on his "call " sheet from jail.

He is in jail!

dont ask me WHY it took so long for them to arrest him. maybe they were investigating or something. i hope so because they would also see that all my life i have lived without being admited to the mental wing of the hosptial. but as soon as i was with him, i was in and out several times a year. and then im sure they got my record from the urgent care clinic for my jaw. my family says no one talked to them though.

but he is in jail for 90 days. and the restraining order went thru so he isnt allowed around either me or my daughter, and that also means, i get off the rent and electric bills.

How can he call you? Look above.

Thank you, Artsy.

All calls from jail are collect and they are required to state that the calls are placed from a correctional facility at which point you are asked to accept the call.

Telephone contact is a direct violation of Order of Protection, there is to be NO CONTACT via email, telephone or person.

Does jail for 90 days actually mean 90 days in this case or is it one of those things where they're sentenced for a certain amount of time and then are able to get out early? Like if someone were sentenced to 10 years but then eligible for parole after 6 years? Or however that works.

I wasn't trying to imply that he hadn't broken the order. I agree 100% that he did. But if he were out then I would at least understand how he was able to place the call to her.

*sigh* I'm just goonna stop updating you guys. I'm tired of being called a liar and crap.

I don't know how or why he called me. I DID tell the police officer on my case and tell him he called me, and told him why he called me. The number showed up on my cell as 'unknown'

I'm sorry I don't have all the details. I'm sorry I don't know what's going through his mind. I'm sorry I don't know EVERYTHING that is going on.

*sigh* im just goonna stop updating you guys. im tired of being called a liar and crap.

i dont know how or why he called me. i DID tell the police officer on my case and tell him he called me, and told him why he called me. the number showed up on my cell as 'unknown'

im sorry i dont have all the details. im sorry i dont know whats going thru his mind. im sorry i dont know EVERYTHING that is going on.

Jennie, the fact is that every time you update there's another inconsistency.

If he's in jail for 90 days and you have an order of protection against him then he wouldn't be allowed to call you. Also, you would have to accept the charges, even if the call came through as "unknown" which also doesn't make sense.

This isn't adding up, that's why we're questioning it.

Put yourself in our shoes, read your posts from an outside perspective, what would you think?

Jennie, I am glad you are getting on with your life. Isaac has made some bad decisions, so let him be. That means do not talk to him if he calls. Let a go-between correspond with him. Why give him a chance when you've already made up your mind? "I'm sorry" doesn't take away the fact that he HIT YOU.

Good luck to you.

Jennie, no matter how he got a hold of you, do NOT go back.

All the jails that I know (which is sad that I have this knowledge) are always collect calls. No one has a phone, they take everything away from them. If he is still in jail he could not have called you. Maybe he is out on good behavior:confused: if so, they should have informed you, so you could be prepared.

I'm sure that you saved the message, so make sure that you show it to the police. It would be a violation (I think) since you have the restraining order. They can find out what number it came from and then go from there. Maybe some one snuck in a phone and he decided to harass you.

Who Knows! But I never answer 'unknown' numbers unless it's Unky:D

I don't see why it would need to be a collect call if it is a local call.
Also, he got Jennie directly. There was no "message" to save.

But I agree, Jennie, if he calls again, tell him you will not talk to him and hang up.
Congratulations on all your successes!

I don't see why it would need to be a collect call if it is a local call.

If you call from a correctional facility, it has to be announced and the jail isn't going to pay for you to make calls while you are incarcerated. The only calls you can make are collect because they will not pay for inmates to sit on the phone with whomever for however long.

According to Jennie, last week, Isaac was incarcerated for 90 days for battery, now that inhibits him from making calls unless they are collect. He would not be released for 'good behavior' as at most you gain one day for everyday served. It's worth determining how/why he is able to call her. If he has posted a bail/bond, that would make the situation make sense, but on a whole the situation has holes.

Jennie, we are here to help. I have a hard time following your posts because they always are so dramatic with information that often contradicts itself. I have no doubt that your life is dramatic, but the first step to getting your life in order is to be in charge of it and know what is going on. Maybe you don't know why or how Isaac called you, but you should have hung up as soon as you determined that it was him. Stop the insanity in your own life by being in charge of it, right now all I get is that you enjoy all of the chaos of your own life. If you enjoy the chaos then there isn't much we can assist with other than listening to all of these stories.

Hey, guess what... I don't believe cell phones are able to take collect calls. Please correct me if I am wrong.

JWF,
You may have missed my point, which is that a local call is usually charged by phone companies as a flat rate. You pay $15 a month (or whatever rate) for as many local calls as you want. I would assume a correctional facility would have such an arrangement. So if you call outside the area--which is often the case for inmates--it would cost extra and they would make you call collect. But, as when I call home from a hospital receptionist's phone, there is no extra charge to the institution and so no reason to make it collect.

But I agree that the jail ought to be monitoring his calls better. But MAYBE they aren't. I think that you put too much faith in the perfection of an unknown jail and too little in Jennie Pepsi's simple statement of events. I do not feel that she is overdramatizing anything. I am really surprised by the lack of support here. If she says he called her, I believe her. It's not incumbent on Jennie to instantly know how that could have happened. Rules get broken, people make mistakes.

Maybe she shouldn't have let him talk, but that's another issue, one of setting boundaries and not cooperating when he violates his no contact rule. If all of us were perfect at setting limits at the right time we wouldn't have any problems to share here. We'd all be perfect. :)

JWF,
You may have missed my point, which is that a local call is usually charged by phone companies as a flat rate. You pay $15 a month (or whatever rate) for as many local calls as you want. I would assume a correctional facility would have such an arrangement. So if you call outside the area--which is often the case for inmates--it would cost extra and they would make you call collect. But, as when I call home from a hospital receptionist's phone, there is no extra charge to the institution and so no reason to make it collect.

But I agree that the jail ought to be monitoring his calls better. But MAYBE they aren't. I think that you put too much faith in the perfection of an unknown jail and too little in Jennie Pepsi's simple statement of events. I do not feel that she is overdramatizing anything. I am really surprised by the lack of support here. If she says he called her, I believe her. It's not incumbent on Jennie to instantly know how that could have happened. Rules get broken, people make mistakes.

Maybe she shouldn't have let him talk, but that's another issue, one of setting boundaries and not cooperating when he violates his no contact rule. If all of us were perfect at setting limits at the right time we wouldn't have any problems to share here. We'd all be perfect. :)

Actually in jail it doesn't matter if the call is local. They are required to call collect. That is all correctional facilities. If they didn't do this then inmates would be on the phone all day, the phone is a privilege. They are the only ones who have that type of arrangement. The calls are always collect - local or not and they all have to state that it's a call monitored and coming from a correctional institution.

For some reason I thought they always had to use a pay phone, like in the movies:rolleyes: and since they don't have any money, it has to be collect.

But I do know that when the call comes in they say the name of the correctional facilty and that there is a collect call to accept or decline.

If they can't call on cell phones than I don't have to worry about ever getting a call like that call again.:D

They do not have to be collect calls.

You can get a phone card specially designed for jail:
Phone Cards - Jail Phone Cards - Inmate Calling Cards - Prison (http://www.correctionsphonecard.com/)

Or you can charge your call to a third party: :)
http://www.wbay.com/Global/story.asp?S=11197151

They do not have to be collect calls.

You can get a phone card specially designed for jail:
Phone Cards - Jail Phone Cards - Inmate Calling Cards - Prison (http://www.correctionsphonecard.com/)

Or you can charge your call to a third party: :)
Brown County Jail Inmates Accused of Phone Scam - WBAY-TV Green Bay-Fox Cities-Northeast Wisconsin News: (http://www.wbay.com/Global/story.asp?S=11197151)

The call would still say it was monitored and coming from a correctional facility.

I didn't say that they can't make phone calls, but the jail is not going to pick up the tab. He was just jailed one week ago and you think he went jail calling card shopping for the occasion? I don't understand what your argument is. Do you just want another side? How are you even relating this back to the situation? The problem is Jennie would have been given information that the call was from jail, she possibly/probably would have had to approve charges to accept the call. I am sure there are other options, would you like to discuss the reasonable or the unrational?

The solution may be simpler than that ladies as with any arrest, a bond can be posted, and he is out. Never heard of the police arresting any one without an arraignment at which time bond is set. He must have made bail somehow.

The call would still say it was monitored and coming from a correctional facility.

I didn't say that they can't make phone calls, but the jail is not going to pick up the tab. He was just jailed one week ago and you think he went jail calling card shopping for the occassion? I don't understand what your argument is. Do you just want another side? How are you even relating this back to the situation? The problem is Jennie would have been given information that the call was from jail, she possibly/probably would have had to approve charges to accept the call. I am sure there are other options, would you like to discuss the reasonable or the unrational?

My point was simply that prisoners may make calls that are not collect calls. You said that the call had to have been a collect call. The implication was that Jennie received a collect call and did not volunteer this information. That's possible, and she can address that if she likes, but I do not think there was any justification for suggesting that or insisting that ALL prisoner calls are ALWAYS collect. I am sure there are a dozen possible explanations for Isaac's call, not least that he was out of prison.

I think this back and forth is relevant to the recurring discussion of Jennie's truthfulness as well as accusations that she has "dramatized" her situation. I personally think these insinuations and accusations are unjustified. I am defending her. I hope my intentions are clear now.

My point was simply that prisoners may make calls that are not collect calls. You said that the call had to have been a collect call. The implication was that Jennie received a collect call and did not volunteer this information. That's possible, and she can address that if she likes, but I do not think there was any justification for suggesting that or insisting that ALL prisoner calls are ALWAYS collect. I am sure there are a dozen possible explanations for Isaac's call, not least that he was out of prison.

I think this back and forth is relevant to the recurring discussion of Jennie's truthfulness as well as accusations that she has "dramatized" her situation. I personally think these insinuations and accusations are unjustified. I am defending her. I hope my intentions are clear now.

Your intentions are clear and understood. It wasn't that I don't believe there are scenerios with which Isaac couldn't have made the phone call if he had been released, although I don't agree that one of the scenerios is that his call was placed from jail and it wasn't a collect call. I don't agree that is the way the correctional facilities are operated.

The question was simple originally, was he calling from jail? In trying to help Jennie through many difficult times, this isn't the first time the stories have shown inconsistencies. In order to help we need accurate information. His phone call was a violation of the protective order and it would also have been beneficial for Jennie to end the call immediately without giving Isaac an opportunity to apologize. The original question was should she accept an apology, in the end that is the wrong thing to focus on. Accepting/Denying an apology isn't going to change what Jennie has gone through, it isn't going to lessen his charges and it is reasonable to assume that Isaac feels some remorse for his behavior, that doesn't mean a reconciliation is in order.

Perhaps this will help.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/family-law/some-adv1ce-393002.html

In this thread NM did a very good job pointing out why we're all a bit weary about this situation.

The fact is that there are a lot of inconsistencies, there have been from the beginning.

The other fact is that when questioned about the inconsistencies, Jennie doesn't have an answer to the questions.

Thankfully I've never had to deal with an arrest, or receiving a call from jail or making a call from jail. Here's where I'm having a problem. I've looked into this and yes, all calls from jails are supposed to be collect calls. This is done for the reasons Justy stated and to allow the person receiving the call to either accept or decline. Isaac, if still in jail, should not have been allowed to make this call because of the restraining order against him. Things just aren't adding up.

If he did make the call, from jail, out of jail, then he is violating the order of protection Jennie has on him. The very least that should be done is notifying the police of this call. Also, as soon as Jennie realized who was calling, she should have hung up, called the cops, told them what happened.

Either the police in Jennie's town are extremely incompetent or we're not getting the truth.

I'm sure that something happened, I'm not trying to imply that Jennie lied to us, but we're not getting the whole story, that I'm certain of.

There is an order of protection (restraining order) against my soon to be ex husband for hitting me and destroying my property.


I am NOT contacting him.

But he won't stop texting me. He hasn't called again lately. But he keeps texting me. I report the text messages each time they come. I'm not sure what they are doing about it.


I will be honest, I'm not a very strong person... today he texted me several times saying 'i will always love you'

I'm NOT going to contact him. I'm NOT having second thoughts. Or any of that kind of thing... tomorrow morning I'm calling my cell company to change my phone number...


I'm not sure what the point of this post is except for some support maybe... im having a hard time biting my tongue and NOT replying to him. I have so much I want to say to him. Most of all I want to tell him I couldn't care less if he still loves me or not. But I don't...

No one told me the No Contact thing would be so hard. Not because I miss him. But because I don't like just sitting around and listening to him go from 'i will always love you' to 'your a f****** b****** and you are going to pay for it'

Ugh.

Thanks for letting me vent a little.

Its almost all over. Sometime this week he is going to be served with the papers to sign that he received the paperwork and that he knows he has the right to contest it. Then I get to hold my breath for 20 days waiting to see if he will contest it. If not, they process the papers, and its OVER. *sigh*

No contact is really tough when you're dealing with someone you used to love. I think you're doing the right thing by changing your cell phone number. If he isn't able to contact you, you shouldn't feel the urge to contact him. Breath deep - it's almost over. It'll get easier with time.

-----------------------------------------------

“I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me – I’m going to smile :).” —unknown

Your right, this is a process you have to go through to get to a better place in your life.