All threads merged, and edited, for the full story.

I'm 30 yrs old and has been married for 9 yrs now and my husband and I has been having problem since he became unemployed. I now met this guy who is also married and he has problems with his wife and he once filled for a divorce and he cancelled it to give her another chance but he says she has not changed still. We are crazy in love with each other and I'm even thinking of leaving my husband because I don't see any future with us. We have 2 kids and the guy also has 2 kids. He says he wants to be with me forever and I also feel that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

What should I do??

Well, first of all, I think that you don't see a future with your husband because you're distracted by this other man. I think that continuing any kind of contact with him is going to seriously ruin any chance you have at saving your marriage and what's to say that this guy will ever leave his wife? He's saying he wants to be with you forever, but his actions aren't showing it. Actions speak louder than words. You owe it to your husband to talk about things and try to work through them. At least try, if all else fails, then reconsider filing for a divorce, but don't do it to be in a relationship with someone that's not available.

Often guys go through a lot of emotional problems they keep to themselves when they end up unemployed. Marriage is about being there to support your partner through thick and thin. Now he isn't working and you want to abandon him.
As far as I am concerned you should never dump someone for someone else.
Also you have to consider the emotional stability divorce has on kids.
You could end up having to take them to counselling because often they either blame themselves for your divorce or they hate you for leaving daddy that they loved. Plus all the changes you would be putting them through on top of it all,

Also how are you going to feel if you divorce and this other guy is all talk?

As Dr. Phil would say, 99% of relationships that begin from infidelity... don't work out. If you cheat or this other man cheats, it's almost inevitable that one one of you will end up cheating on the other if you go forward with your relationship. Have you attempted to save your marriage? i.e. counseling or something? If so & you feel it still won't work in the end you should move on... doing it the right way... for yourself & your kids... not to jump into another relationship. Plus... keep in mind, the rule of the 'rebound' relationship...
Best of luck!

I've been dating this guy for the past four months, things where perfect and we told each other how much we loved each other, and now he got a promotion at work since then things have not been the same anymore. He is forever busy, we don't talk much anymore, we don't see each other more often and when we are together its like we don't have anything to talk about. We don't talk about us anymore and if I can try to bring up a topic that will require us to discuss our relationship he just gives me a short answer and then he is finished. I tried several times to tell him how I feel and how things have changed and he keeps on saying he doesn't see anything wrong with our relationship and that the only thing is he is busy at work. He said he will try to make things be the way they were in the beginning but nothing is happening. I'm so franstrated everyday of my life because now its like I'm pushing him to do something he doesn't want to do anymore.

Please help??

Well pushing him to do things is only going to push him away. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions are contradicting to what he says. I know people get busy at work, trust me, but when I get home after a day at work and then a couple Mary Kay appts I spend some quality time with my husband. I don't think any relationship that's worth it should be put on the back burner, but maybe that's just me. I just don't think it's fair to be too busy for someone and leave that person hanging.

Honeymoon phase is over, now you actually have to work on the relationship. If he's not willing to talk about it, then I don't see this lasting too much longer. Communication is key in relationships, without it you will surely sink.

I think that it's a fantasy to want to do the things that you've done in the beginning of the relationship. Things are getting comfortable and more serious. Work sometimes does take priority, but like Zoe said (has to spread rep), relationships shouldn't take the spot of back burner.

You're just going to have to keep trying to talk things out with him. If you feel that your talks are productive, but his actions haven't changed, it means there isn't much progress and he just said things to cheer you up in the moment of the discussion. Communication and actions are required.

They both are married to others

I've been seeing this guy for 5 month now and recently we've had a couple of problems and the other day I asked him if maybe he would prefer to be a friend rather than a lover to me and then he said yes. I was so devastated even though I'm the one who asked the question because I could see that things where not getting better between us. He said for now is still have issues at work he needs to sort out and he is hoping that they will be sorted out soon then things can go back to norma. I was shartted to hear that and I could stop crying, every time he called he would find me crying and he said he didn't want to see me not OK. He now changed his mind he said he loves me and he doesn't want to see me upset, he will try to fix things between us. Now I'm more confused between I keep asking myself that he wants to fix things because he feels sorry for me or he really want things to be OK. He doesn't tell me he loves me more ofter unless I say it. I'm now not relaxed about our relationship I don't know what to think and I'm so much in love with him.

He was honest with you and is back now with you because you cried. He is still unsure what he wants. But if you continue to push him you may end up losing him.

Did his original problems he want to fix involve problems between you and him or where they problems that didn't involve you?

Either way you need to tell him that if a couple is truly committed to each other they stick together through thick and thin and work through the problems together and not bail out when something goes wrong. You want to be there for him for support and work together. Tell him if he wants to leave he can break up with you otherwise you want a real relationship not a rocky one where you don't know what to expect.

Sounds like you have no idea what you want. Why would you ask him if he would "prefer to be a friend rather than a lover", unless you really meant it. The just adds more confusion. I suggest that you follow these steps:

1) Back away. Leave each other alone for a while.

2) Figure out what you what first, because you seem just as confused as he is.

3) Let him figure out what he wants without you crying to him all the time. Let him have some space to figure it out.

4) When you BOTH figure out what you want, then find each other again. That way, you will both be more objective about your feelings.

You have to confront your husband about all these issues.

It definitely sounds like he's not motivated to do anything. He doesn't care about the debts. Sounds like he has many personal issues.

But unless there is progress, this marriage is going downhill. You need to be more direct with him. Tell him exactly how you feel. There's no reason for you to suffer. If he cannot provide you what you want in a marriage, then it's time to go your separate ways.

I've been married for 8 years to my husband. He lost his job 4 years ago and things are pretty tough for me. We have 2 kids and they both attend school and I have to pay our modgate bond and do everything myself in the house. I do send out cv's for him to different companies and before they used to respond back and he would quiery the salary they were offering and now there is no respond at all. He chooses what kind of job he wants and that frastrates me because I feel he should take any job that comes his way because I feel that I'm struggeled enough financially. Things have'nt been well lately in the marriage because I really can't take it anymore, I know we married for better or worse but the situation is now unbarreble to me. I'm deep in debts at the moment and I feel that if he doesn't get anything soon our marriage will end. I'm also thinking of selling our house and then we separate for us to start over again. My last born daughter(4) is crazy about her dad and I feel that if we can separate she won't take it very well. I'm so frastated I don't enjoy being married any more, I feel that I now need someone who will take care of me so that I won't have to worry about the finances in my house. I 'm I wrong to feel that??

You really aren't wrong because his actions are effecting your family.
I can understand not taking a minimum wage job because that tends to barely get you through going to work and coming home. But if he is passing up jobs that can cover any mortgage, utilities and monthly expenses then he should be jumping on it.

Only you can decide when enough is enough and if you need to bail out and how you are going to do it.
Putting the house up for sale may be a good idea because maybe it will register in his head that things have gotten out of hand financially.
Sometimes people only get out of their predicament when they see the danger zone and don't want to cross over into it. Right now he is complacent.

If he hasn't had a job nibble in 4 years something is very, very wrong with hubby. He's basically using you if you still have to do the housework and go to work besides. He's basically turned into a lazy do nothing person who is not interested in helping you or anyone else. It's sad that these things happen when someone is unemployed. You are taking the first step toward getting your life back on track by coming here and at least asking what your options are.

He is being too picky abut the type and salary of a job,

If he is unemployed, first
He should be doing all the housework, at least, so there is nothing for you to do when you come home.

For a job, janitor at min wage, does not matter, he gets a job.

I'd suggest that it's probably ultimatum time. No more being his mummy. I'd go on strike.

Sit down when the kids are in bed and let him know that you're exhausted and that the financial situation is tenuous. Explain that you're not going to do his job hunting any more and that if he's going to be home you expect the following (give him a list) chores to be done. Don't do his washing, don't cook a meal for him, don't clean the house.

Tell him that he has three months to 'pull his finger out' and get a job - any job so that he can contribute equally to the household finances. Explain that after three months you'll be selling the house and will consider leaving the marriage.

Get some legal advice about your entitlements and let him know that you're serious by quoting this advice.

He needs to have a wake up call and to be shocked into responding and caring.

If he doesn't care then you have your answer.

I'm not into ultimatums myself but MAN in this case. Tell him to get off his lazy bum and help you! He's a part of your family too. You aren't his mother or his provider, he needs to contribute in any way he can. That having been said, is he depressed? I sure would be after years of not working, he may just feel like he can't do it anymore and have lost his confidence. Tell him money isn't important, that any help is better than no help, that you feel this way. That whatever job he gets can be viewed as a starting point.

Employers like a steady job history, and with our economy the way it is right now he may not find anything he feels is up to par. But after 4 years of turning down jobs that he feels beneath him, and now getting no offers. He needs to start somewhere.

Be supportive, encourage him, don't goad him no matter how frustrating it is. But stand up for your family, you shouldn't have to feel alone in your marriage. Start with talking, even if it's hard at first, if you want it to work that's the best place to start.

I've been married for the past 8 yrs and 3 years ago my marriage has been on a rocky state. My husband lost his job 4 years ago and I've tried so much to support him and to understand his frastrations. I've been helping him to find work but he is choosy at what he wants and that has led to him not getting a job. I'm financially stressed and that has taken an affect on our marriage. We have talked about how I feel and sometimes we would come to a agreement that maybe divorse is the reasonable solution and then he would he won't allow me to take the kids( 8 & 4). I've lost complete interest in my husband and not only because he is nolonger working but the whole situation has taken a strain on me and we fight a lot and we end up telling each other hurtful words.earlly this year I met this guy and we connected a few days after I saw him. We use the same public transport and we see each other everyday. We started as friends and after a month or so we developed feeling for each other. He was this wonderful man I've ever met and I just fell head over heels in love with him and I could feel that he loved me too. He is also married and he also complained that things were not going well in his marriage too. He was the love of my life and I felt that I was his too. We hit off, things where perfect between us. For once in my life I was completely happy after a long time and I was in love. Two weeks ago he sent me an sms and my husband happen to be using my phone that time and he saw the sms. He phoned the guy to ask who he was and the guy pretended to be someone else and he denied that he knows me and said he might have send the sms to the wrong person. My husband insisted I phone the guy myself and that I shoud put my phone on speaker so that he can hear and that guy again apologised and said it a wrong number. All this happened on a Saturday and on Monday when I saw him he never said a thing and he send me and email to end the relationship, saying he doesn't want my husband to accuse me of having an affair because of him and that we should stay friends. I'm so stressed and heart broken. I honestly was not ready to loose him because I'm so much in love with him. What kills me more is we see each other everyday, we share the same seat and sitting next to him knowing very well that he is no longer mine kills me. He seems fine about everything its like nothing ever happened between us. He talks to me normally and when I try to bring up the issue of our relationship he just ignores it and talks about something else.I wish I could change my transport but it's the only convinieant way to get to work for me cause I stand looking at him and knowing that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He calls me at work just to check up on me and I sometimes with I can tell him to stop phoning me but the truth is I won't survive without talking to him. I want him back, I know I should be fighting for my marriage but don't have the energy to do that anymore. What do I do in this situation?? I know most of you will be saying I should fix my marriage but even if I can try I'm not in love with my husband anymore, I love the other guy and he also doesn't want to be with me.

Please share some light!!

You are married! You screwed around on your husband defiling the marriage bed!
Get professional help if you want to make your marriage work. Either that or move out and get the divorce you think you want.
Remember that in a divorce the only ones hurt are the children!

what kills me more is we see each other everyday, we share the same seat and sitting next to him knowing very well that he is no longer mine kills me. he seems fine about everything its like nothing ever happened between us. he talks to me normally and when i try to bring up the issue of our relationship he just ignores it and talks about something else.

Right here should tell you that you didn't mean anything to him while you read too much into his using you.

The grass isn't always greener and love is a commitment it isn't about feeling the sparks.
Try to find what it was about him that you once loved. Find it in yourself to have a change of heart for your husband. If it takes going to marriage counselling do it.

Also if you do divorce your husband can not simply say the kids stay with him. You go to family court and file for primary custody and child support.

Sadly when we behave badly, life gives us onions. You've just been handed a big one.

You didn't deal with the source of your original discontent and you were too lazy to do anything about the dissatisfaction you felt in your marriage. It was easy to drift into infidelity with the 'love of your life'. Well, now it appears that the love of your life has a conscience and that your feelings for him are stronger than his were for you.

Karma has an odd way of letting us know that we've done the wrong thing, because now you're faced with seeing him on a daily basis knowing that he's actually not interested in you any more and you feel that he's all you've got.

I don't think that there is anything you can do about him. He's made his decision. It sounds final.

But you must do something about yourself, your dishonesty and your marriage. Three years is a long time to be in a rocky marriage. For heaven's sake if you don't want to be in it, end it. Be truthful and honest with yourself for a change. It's not fair to your husband or to your children to continue living a lie.

I can understand how this happened.

You have, for four years, watch your husband deteriorate. He's not working, he's not trying to find work. He's picky, and you have tried to help him get back on his feet, and explained that hardship that his decisions make, are on you. You are the primary income generator, and you have two young children to support, a household to maintain, and an unemployed, probably depressed, husband.

You've tried talking to him, and his needs are greater than yours. He makes no changes, and he doesn't even agree to try to help himself, nor does he understand how his behaviour is affecting you. It results in arguments which leave you hurt and confused.

Four years is a long time to try to get a marriage back on track, and a husband back on track. Let alone pay the bills, do all the things a mom does with two young kids, and somehow make ends meet at the end of the month. Not to mention a pretty much deadbeat husband to deal with.

I think that after four years I would be offering the suggestion of a divorce too. My hope and stamina that he'd get his life back on track would have fizzled out. I don't believe that he couldn't have taken a job that wasn't exactly what he wanted, but him being so picky, he chooses unemployment instead.

The one day, things change for you. You meet a man on your regular bus to work, and he pays attention to you. He's kind, he's attactive, he works, he seems to care about you. Is it any wonder that you are attracted to him? Its like exiting a cave after four years, and seeing that not all men are hairy beasts with clubs, thumping their chests for dinner.

There is a whole world of possibilities out there! Friendships are intoxicating when they are new. It makes you feel good about yourself, and gets you thinking that life could be better than what you have now.

But, the man on the bus was never yours. You have lost something you never had in the first place, and that was a commitment from him of any shape or description. I believe he was leading you on, and giving you false hope and promise, just like your husband has been doing the past four years. Enough to keep you hanging on, but not enough to satisfy your needs and take steps to develop a real relationship.

Your husband has a good thing going, and he likes things the way they are. After four years, that's obvious. Him threatening to take your girls away is a common tactic of control without substance. It is an idle threat. He has no way to support the girls, without getting off his and getting a job.

You don't have him either. He is not interested in helping himself, and he's not interested, after four years, of addressing your needs in order to improve the marriage. He is stuck in a rut that you have been unable to pull him out of. You tried, and you failed.

From the man on the bus, take that as a sign that life can be better than what you have settled for. There are decent men out there. BUT, they are not married with heaps of baggage, and they don't go looking for a little on the side with any intention of divorcing their wives for the most part. That was what you found. Not a good prospect, and not a good replacement. You have fallen for someone who offered you a few kind words, and thought he could get a little on the side, as you've found out.

From the man in the house, you need to make decisions. If, after four years of trying, he is still unmotivated to help himself, address the problems in his marriage, and the best he can come up with is idle threats to keep you providing for him, you need to really think seriously about either setting some concrete goals with him through marriage counselling, or get out.

You have had a taste of both worlds, and to me at least, neither world is what you need right now.

If you can set some goals, and stick to them, and prepare yourself for life, possibly without your husband, and get on your own two feet, then start looking for love, but not in any other order.

You need time, anybody does, after the breakup of a marriage, to find out who you are, and what you want out of this life. You need to deal with the emotional aftermath of being single, and responsible for yourself and your girls. To be comfortable in your own right, and strong enough not to need anybody, is really the best place to start considering adding a man into the mix.

I wish you well, and it is not an easy road you face.

You should have been divorced long ago, and given yourself a chance to get your own act together, before even considering another guy at all. Its not to late. Start a new smarter you, now.