About 3 years ago, I stayed home form school sick. A boy I hadn't know that long convinced me to let him come over. I told him I had a boyfriend, and didn't even want to kiss.(have to say I was incredibley naïve about boys at the time) Well, one thing led to another and before I knew it we were doing more then just making out. But the whole way I resisted it, I wasn't really sure how to tell him no since I was the one that had let him come into my house and I was home alone. When he wanted to have sex that's when I flat out said no. He kept trying to convince me and I kept saying no. After a little while he just ignored me, kept things going further and further even though I kept telling him I couldn't do it and I didn't want to. I started crying and just gave up, told myself it would be over soon. I think he was about 18 at the time, and I was 14. I completely blamed myslef for the whole incident, and didn't talk about it with anyone, because I didn't want them to think I was a slut.

It was not my first time, but I had only had one other experience before this, with someone my own age, it was very brief, and much regretted.
I even knew at the time that I was MUCH MUCH too young for anything sexual like that.

About a year later I started dating a guy who was also older, probably about the same age as the other guy. After awhile he asked me about my history with other guys. And I told him the truth. He was the first person I had told about what happened with that guy, and he was really angry! I was surprised that he didn't blame me for what had happened, and he helped me realize that it wasn't my fault when I had thought it was. We didn't talk about it too much that day and pretty much left the subject alone. But one day after we had been together for awhile things had slowly progressed to the point where we were going to have sex. Until I started crying. I couldn't explain it and he didn't ask me to, he just let me cry and later we decided to wait at least a few more months until I was ready.

After the wait I was fine, we had "relations" without me getting upset. About a month later we broke up for other reasons.

The break up was really hard on me, I was depressed for a long time. It's been a year since then, and I haven't really been able to date anyone for longer then a few weeks. Also, there have been times when guys have wanted me to mess around with them or go further. I usually flat out say no, but sometimes I don't right away and on those occasions I almost always start crying.(Espcially if I wasn't sober) Needless to say it freaks the guy out. I'm not sure why I'm so attached to my x, when I have never had a problem getting over other guys before. I'm still not entirely sure how much at fault I was for the bad experience I had with that guy at my house. And I'm pretty sure my random bouts of crying has something to do with what happened that day. I don't know how I can get past this!

I would love some advice from you guys!
Thanks

Well, putting aside the fact that there have been several guys in your life that have committed felonies against you (they have and you should tell the police), it sounds like you would benefit a lot from professional counselling.

I don't know how old you are now, but there isn't a state in the country where it is legal to have sex with a 14 year old. And of course the first guy seems to be guilty of several crimes, depending on where you live might earn him 20 to life in prison.

But most importantly, take care of yourself. Professional help (or speak with a school counselor, clergy or parent if you are still a minor) should be your best bet to recovery.

What that guy did to you WILL cause you to be like that and make it hard for you to establish a good solid relationship. You need to go to a good therapist to over come the emotional problem this has left you.

If you don't seek professional help you could go your entire life with the emotional scars

AAMFT - Rape Trauma Consumer Update (http://www.therapistlocator.net/families/Consumer_Updates/RapeTrauma.asp)

If you don't seek professional help you could go your entire life with the emotional scars

AAMFT - Rape Trauma Consumer Update (http://www.therapistlocator.net/families/Consumer_Updates/RapeTrauma.asp)

Thanks

Do you have a job?

I will try to think of something

I know there are rape hotlines you can call and tell them your problems

Yeah I have a job

I think you should save some money and maybe someday have enough at least to go see a counselor one time or get insurance that would cover seeing a counselor,

Here are some rape hotlines that might be able to tell you what to do and where to go.

Check around and see if there is a rape crisis center in your area.

National Sexual Assault Online Hotline (http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/)

Rape Crisis Information Pathfinder (http://www.ibiblio.org/rcip//crisiscenters.html#crisiscenters)

Also, I have a theory as to why you can't get over this guy.

(I may be completely wrong. All the "this guy and the other guy and the other guy and this other guy and that other guy gets very confusing.)

This guy that basically raped you (you could have tried harder to say "no" but he should have stopped by the feebles no, it's not your fault) damaged you emotionally as well as physically.
When you broke down and confided in your boyfriend (now your ex-boyfriend) you developed a sense of trust in him. When he never told anyone, (I'm assuming, you said he's the only one who knows) he helped cement that trust.

Now, you are worried that any more boyfriends you get, they won't be as trustworthy as this last guy.
In reality, there are plenty who you can't trust as much as this guy. However, you sound is if you have a smart head on your shoulders. You should just get yourself a new boy. By the time you get far enough in your relationship to even talk about this stuff, you will know, that either 1, he is trustworthy enough to know it, or 2, he isn't, and if you can't trust him, you shouldn't be with him.

I know you will find someone good to you, whom you can trust and who will be accepting of everything that happened to you. Don't give up on yourself, true love takes time.