I will get yelled at I'm sure... so... while I know I can't tell you NOT to post... if you want to just yell at me... try not to OK? I'm not telling you NOT to... im just asking politely...

Sorry if there are some bad words, I tried to censor it... if I didn't do a good job, I'm sorry, and mods feel free to edit for me.

I have to get ALL of this off my chest... I hope no one minds...

I have talked to my psychiatrist about changing meds, but she doesn't think that's the problem... she thinks I need to stop taking so much on and start spending more relax time. I'm already on the max dose for Geodon, and I'm on 800mg of tegritol a day (im bipolar, mostly manic, depressed maybe once or twice a year)

Oohhh where to start. We live in a cute apartment, ON OUR OWN, without any assistance program at all. Not even food stamps. And I am so proud of myself... which is a new feeling for me... I have always believed myself to not be worthy of much of anything...

My marriage is falling apart around me, but we are working hard at it. Or at least I am... my husband just keeps acting like a jerk, we don't have sex anymore, simply because we just don't LIKE each other... I LOVE him... and he says he loves me... I just don't know if I LIKE him... is it possible to make a marriage work when you don't LIKE each other but you LOVE each other? He is so thoughtless and mean sometimes... he does nothing to help me, on his days off, he stays up all night playing his video game, then sleeps in all day, and THEN complains at me when I tell him he can't play with our 5 year old at bed time BECAUSE ITS BED TIME. He says 'i never get to play with her' WELL DUH!!


At the moment I babysit for my neighbor who works with my husband. A baby girl who is 2 months, and a little boy who is 3 years. I love the kids. I cannot STAND their mother... she walks all over me, treats me like crap, never pays me, which a first I understood, she can't afford it but she doesn't even say thank you. When it's a day she doesn't work, which means I don't work, she calls me every hour to find out where I am what I'm doing... as if its any of her business what and where I go on my days off, and if I'm not home, she complains "well what if i need you here?!" also she can't afford to pay me, but she can buy herself new dresses, new clothing, new crap all the time... its bull...

Don't get me started on how she treats her kids. She calls her 2 MONTH OLD fatty, stupid, fathead...

She calls her 3 year old son a f-ing idiot, an a-hole, a d**k a piece of s**t, a moron. She constantly tells him that his daddy is in jail because his daddy is a piece of sh*t just like him.

She also tries to treat MY DAUGHTER like that! And even went so far as to say 'Your daughter isn't allowed in MY house any more because she whines too much"

well im sorry, maybe she wouldnt be so upset if you werent constantly yelling at everyone and everything

and THEN, she wonders why her 3 year old throws tantrums and calls his mother a b***h

maybe its because thats what she taught him!

i have been seriously considering NOT babysitting for her anymore...i have been praying about it and praying about it...

on top of that crap, my daughter starts school monday, which i am so happy for, but so stressed out for...i have no idea how i am going to manage walking her to school, and taking care of the 2 kids at the same time, when thier mothers schedual fluxuates SO MUCH. i understand its not her fault, but i really dont know if i can deal with that.

my depression is comming back, my bipolar is raging, (i accually yelled at the BABY because she was crying because she kept losing her binky. i told her 'Well quit losing i!!" I can't believe I did that!! I felt so horible! )

My migrains are returning, and I am losing sleep, due to staying up with her kids till 11 and then getting up with my daughter at 7.

I LOVE THESE KIDS... I LOVE Them... and I get the strongest feeling that I'm the only one in their life that gives them love aside from the baby's dad (not the 3 year olds dad) because their grandmother and aunt are the same way!

She has 6 kids. 4 of them were taken away from her before the 3 year old was born, because of drugs... but she can't ever get them back, so I think its MORE than just drugs... because they always give a mother a chance to clean up her life and lose the drugs to get her children back... it HAD to be more than that...

I have wanted to call the cops on her, but from what I understand, calling your kids names isn't against the law. They are clothed, well fed, have a clean (immaculate) house, beds to sleep in, toys to play with, they have all the MATERIAL things they need or even want... and with how over burdened the child protective services are right now, they are on the look out for physically or sexually DANGEROUS situations, not name calling... she pushed her son down a couple times... but I can't prove it...

OK all that aside...


My bills are OK. Thankfully I have great friends and a great bank.

Last month I was 150 short on rent because my husband spent our money without making sure we HAD any money. He doesn't seem to understand that just because there is money in the BANK, that doesn't mean its money that can be SPENT.
A friend that I have never met in person, only online (I won't say anything to protect privacy, as things get out all over the internet) sent me 200$ FREE OF CHARGE she refuses to let me pay her back! Simply because she understands what its like to have a husband that cannot be trusted with money

Then, just 2 days ago, my usband spent MORE money, that we Didn't have, and made 2 charges, and when our rent check went through, it over drafted (thankfully it didn't bounce! )and we were charged 2 charges of 29$... when I explained it to my bank, hey reversed both fees for me... thank god...

But, despite it all, I pull us through every month...



All my life, and still now sometimes... I have believed I am not worth very much... that I can't do much... that I'm not all that great... and that no one wants me around because I am just too ugly, annoying, stupid, fat, or just plain old not worth it...

Well I have been working on myself confidence...

And I KNOW DAMN WELL, that I do a DAMN GOOD JOB taking care of my family. I am not trying to boast... but I may not have a traditional job, but this job of taking care of our bills, house, extra kids, and family, IS HARD!! Any stay at home mom knows what I'm talking about

And I KNOW I do a good job. And I am PROUD of myself... and I KNOW I deserve BETTER!! I don't believe it completely... but that's what people tell me... and I do think its true, even if I can't believe it all the way...


Wow... that was longer than I thought... but it turned out good... and I feel so much better... thanks for listening!


What was that saying? When it rains it POURS!!

So F-ing true!!

I'm going to go take a nice big sleeping pill and go to bed.

If the woman whose kids you babysit for doesn't pay you, stop taking care of them. I know you love them and want to give them stability and morality and some measure of happiness, but you can't save the world. You just can't, especially when your own world is falling apart. Maybe its time to concentrate on your own kids. Your love and concern for the world takes over and you end up getting yourself tangled up in situations that stress you out.

Get your meds straightened out, if they are a problem. Are the doses right, do you take them when and how you are supposed to, does anything need tweaking?

Money. It's a necessary evil, isn't it. When I was home with my kids, I didn't work at all. I remember stealing coins out of my kids piggy banks so I could buy milk and bread at the grocery store. Your babysitting is a great way to be at home, but if you're not getting paid and the demand to be a sitter is too much (I want to slap that woman!), something's got to give. Is there some way to work out regular payments with those kids' mother? Are there other kids you could take care of instead?

I wish I lived closer to you.

God help those who help themselves. I don't know if any one has ever told you but "YOUR FEELING DO COUNT". If you're afraid to speak up think about this your 5 year old sees what is going on and can see how you are being treated, and how you act. To him is will be his normal, what you are living like. So this is how he thinks life is, So if you want him to grow up and live like this fine. But maybe like a lot of us we want our chhildren to grow up and do better then us. Please show him how to do that. Good Luck. Remember count to 10 and breath in with the good and out with the bad.

Your neighbor sounds awful. Even though it sounds like a challenge for you some days, those kids sound like they are very lucky to have you in their lives. I hope you feel better now that you've vented :)

God bless you Jennie, you are a good person and you are being watched over.

Take WG's advice, start by changing what you can for the better. She doesn't pay you for watching her children, give her week or two notice and stop (period). Find another person's child to watch. Talk to people let them know that you will watch their children, leave a note at the supermarket poster board, etc.

I'm sure that you have heard many times; life IS too short and you do deserve better and to be happy.

Take each problem and start to work on each one separately. First this situation with the neighbor's child. Then sit down with your husband and possibly suggest that you seek help, there are services available that are at no cost to you or very little. Tell him again that you love him BUT you do not love what he is doing... two different things. Tell him that you want your lives together to be better and with help you can start step by step. First seek financial help/advise, again there are services available at low cost (worth it) possibly consumer credit service, they also advise.

You are a good person, everyone here likes you a lot and we know people hon. You passed the 'test' a long time ago and we love you.

You are a person with a very valuable asset, you have a big loving heart and people love you for it. But, there are others who take advantage of this, just don't let them hon. Know when to say enough is enough and take action.

It's late and I am tired but you are in my thoughts and I know that you are strong enough to start taking charge.

Stringer

Thank you all so much... ill try to answer all questions...

First, I did talk to my neighbor. I didn't do it how some people think I should have... I didn't 'grow a back bone' or anything lol. I just told her I was really sorry and I love her and the kids, but it was just too stressfull for me. So she has already called a couple people to babysit for her.

WG, thank you for all you said... I don't think there is any way to work out regular payments with her, simply because I have seen her bills, and she is WAY in over her head. This is her first time out on her own out of her moms house (yeah, took her long enough lol she is 32 I think or somewhere close to that) and even just glancing at her bills I can see that she can't afford everythign she has, like expensive cable, internet, and a nice cellphone with unlimited everything. She makes 800$ a month or so, 560 of that for rent, and then the cabel, phone and internet all come to about 150. She gets food stamps for grocerys, but that still leaves a 150-180$ electric bill (I live in the same apartment complex as her, and have the same floorplan, so it shouldn't be TOO differnet then mine)
So I have no idea how she is even going to manage paying all her bills, let alone trying to pay me.

Yes, I have taken money from my daughters piggy bank to buy milk before. *blush* but at least I'm not like my mom used to be and steal piggy bank money for ciggarettes LOL



Thank you Justcurious, I DO feel a lot better after venting all of it out, and after accually telling her that I couldn't do it anymore. I will still have them Friday probably (she is off tomorrow) and possibly Sunday (she is off Saturday too) but hoepfuly her one of her other friends can start taking the kids sometime next week.

Is it selfish or wrong of me to be a little angry that my daughter starts school on Monday, and I can't even make a big special day out of it for me and her, because ill more than likely be babysitting?

Thank you so much for your kind words stringer. I'm sad to say I still don't know how to say 'enough is enough' *blush*

Also, we don't really need any financial service like credit consolodation or anything. We don't have any debt or credit or antying at all. Just 3 main bills. Rent (730) electric (180 on average) and food (which I'm really good at, cause we only spend 200 a month lol)
Then a minor bill of 20$ a month to use the landry mat for clothing.

I don't smoke anymore, but tonight I had hubby grab us a pack of ciggaretts *blush* just cause of all the stress. I know smoking isn't good for you, but it definitely made me feel better ;)

Thank you for making me feel welcome here stringer *hugs* I'm glad most of you feel that way. There are a few who don't, but I have learned to accept it, even if it makes me sad. Like people always tell me, I can't make EVERYONE happy. Even if I want to.


Thank you all so much again. I'm going to go to bed. Its 1am. I get to sleep in tomorrow :D its hubbys day off and my day off and I have nothing to do until lunch time (hair cut for daughter and my dads birthday)

Good night everyone sleep tight and I love you all.



*PS WOW this got really long again without meaning to!

One more thing I didn't add was another reason I can't babysit anymore is because her son is allergic to our cat (poor baby gets hives) so I sit at her house with them, and my house is suffering because of it lol. I LOVE being a housewife/stay at home mom, and I love cooking and cleaning and caring for my home, but I just can't do it all at the same time. Even my HOUSE is falling apart. Dishes aren't done, I don't cook anymore, I just throw sandwhiches together or order pizza (that I can't afford) landry hasn't been done, mainly because on the days I Don't babysit, I prefer to spend that time with my daughter, rather than cleaning all day. Ugh. So frustrating.

Is there anyway you can get out of babysitting Monday? At least for a little while before your daughter leaves for school? If not, maybe you and the kids can all have a little party to celebrate her first day when she gets home?

Yeah that's a great idea justcurious. Ill talk to her about it. And if I can't get out of it, we can definitely have a party when she gets home. Thanks hon

UPDATE!

I'm DONE babysitting. No more. I was going to sit for her today and tomorrow until her friend gets back from vacation on teusday night. But she called me yesterday morning and said she was covered for Sunday today and tomrorow.

I hope this doesn't sound terrible but YAY!!

Today is my daughters first day of school (I just got back from taking her to school, and hanging out for a while during her getting used to the class and teacher) and I am so glad that I will be able to pick her up and CELEBRATE today with her, instead of babysitting. We are going to make a cake tonight together that says 'happy first day of school' and we are having a nice home made roast dinner tonight to celebrate. I am so excited and now I can accualy ENJOY her first day of school when she gets home at 3 this afternoon (its 10 right now)

I hope that doesn't sound terrible or selfish..

UPDATE!

im DONE babysitting. no more. i was gonna sit for her today and tomorrow untill her friend gets back from vacation on teusday night. but she called me yesterday morning and said she was covered for sunday today and tomrorow.

i hope this doesnt sound terrible but YAY!!!!!

today is my daughters first day of school (i just got back from taking her to school, and hanging out for a while during her getting used to the class and teacher) and i am so glad that i will be able to pick her up and CELEBRATE today with her, instead of babysitting. we are gonna make a cake tonight together that says 'happy first day of school' and we are having a nice home made roast dinner tonight to celebrate. i am so excited and now i can accualy ENJOY her first day of school when she gets home at 3 this afternoon (its 10 right now)

i hope that doesnt sound terrible or selfish..

No, not at all hon, great for you!!