View Full Version : Need advise on how to handle husbands best friend and husband
Aug 12, 2009, 05:16 PM
I am new to this but at my wits end. My husband and I have been married 10 years and dated about 8 years prior to getting married. The problem is his best friend. They have been friends since high school, they are now close to 50. The best friend has been divorced every since I have known him. All women are bad, money hungry witches just like his ex-wife. He has had more mini relationships than I can count but no one will put up with him. He has very few male friends except for my husband. I have tried over the years to get him to accept me or us at least be able to tolorate each other. I have invited him to family gatherings, had him a birthday party and encourage golf trips a couple times a year, which they take. He still constantly puts me down even in front of my husband and my husband says nothing. Later when we are alone he explains "that is just how he is". I gave up several years ago and suggested my husband just see him without me. My husband feels bad that he has no family to speak of(his kids will not have anything to do with him), so he invites him to all of our family functions, which ruins holidays for me. He thinks I am after my husbands money which is so untrue. I had my house before we married and he lived with his mother to be close to his children after his divorce which I have never had a problem with. I have always made about 3 times what my husband makes and I told my husband tell his friend that and maybe he will stop some of this. My husband will not tell him because he says if he knows what kind of money I make he will just bug him to take even more guy trips. My husband does not have the same amount of vacation time his friend does and he has a family he likes to take vacation with. My husband and I only argue about this person. If I say anything my husband doesn't speak to me for days. I have recently found out he not only trashes me to my husband but to our adult kids and my husbands family and that he is always after my husband to leave me. He shows up at our house unannounced because he knows it bothers me. My husband gets mad because he is caught in the middle. Most people like me and I have never done anything to this man to be treated the way I am. I realize he will not give up his best friend but how do I get my husband to talk to me about the situation and realize how much this hurts me or am I fighting the inevitable?
Aug 12, 2009, 05:28 PM
Slam the door in the "friend's" face a couple of times. It's your house, you say who's welcome. Get ready for the fight, but that's the only solution I can think of.
Aug 12, 2009, 05:33 PM
Your husband is right in the 'you know how he is' and he most likely just knows how to take him BUT he should be more considerate about inviting him to family functions. Maybe compromise with if it is something on his side of the family or if it is something informal as a picnic but not holidays.
Also it would be better if you pick your battles because you, your husband and everybody does 'know how he is'
Your husband is insistent on keeping his friendship so it is better if you only say say something when it isn't the same complaints or rehashing things and stuff like that.
I think you need to find a way to get him to compromise and make a guideline about his friends participation in your life.
Fighting isn't getting you anywhere except making your husband feel like he has to pick sides or just tune everything out.
Aug 12, 2009, 05:43 PM
If someone made ugly remarks about MY wife, he would be on his a$$. I think your husband needs to reach between his legs and check, as I think he's lost his balls.
Tell your husband it's either the friend, or you. He should insist on the friend respecting you, especially in YOUR house. DO NOT put up with it again. He can think whatever he wants, tell him to go to he!! May GOD give you strength and serenity.
Aug 12, 2009, 06:04 PM
If someone made ugly remarks about MY wife, he would be on his a$$.
Or a slab.
Fedup, you did say the house is yours, right? Possibly having the friend escorted away by the sherriff for trespassing might get the point across to your husband as well as the friend.
Aug 12, 2009, 09:27 PM
Your husband has to set some boundaries with this friend of his. I don't think that's asking too much.
The first thing he cannot do, is arrive on your doorstep without invitation. And, your husband and you have to agree to him coming over. If you'd rather stick needles in your eyes, then tell your husband no. He needs to respect that.
He is not your friend, he is your husbands friend, and as such, he's in second place. Not equal to you by any stretch of the imagination. It is also not unreasonable for your husband to respect you in this regard with anybody you are not comfortable with.
Stop doing things like giving birthday parties for this friend. He is a boorish, self centered man who, by his own history, has a personality that would choke a horse.
You cannot change a man approaching 50 who does not have basic manners. Your husband needs to step up and say, "you have to call first before you come over", and, "You will have to show more respect toward my wife, or you won't be welcome here."
This is pretty basic stuff.
You should feel safe and secure in your own home, without the added stress of some jerk who walks all over your husband.
Insist on him speaking to him, and if he won't do it, you do it. Give him a choice. If he doesn't have the b***s to, then he cannot complain when you take back control.
Send the jerk an email with the boundaries you expect him to follow. Let him know that there will be consequences if he cannot find the decency needed to follow them. The consequences are, NO visits to the house, no invites to family events, and no contact.
And remember what Ann Landers used to say. You can't be taken advantage of without your permission.
Aug 15, 2009, 09:55 AM
Its not the friend, its your husband who must step up. I bet sleeping on the porch will make him realize you ain't putting up with any more disrespect from his friend. I also think staying away from any functions where he will be, would send to your husband a strong message. You also don't have to take any crap in your own home, my wife would have went off on him, with the first wrong look, and then it would be my turn, but I wouldn't allow that disrespect from an outsider at all.
Aug 16, 2009, 02:22 AM
I do agree with T, that it's your husband's responsibility to put a stop to this nonsense.
I have to ask, why would he put up with his friend bagging you and why would your children put up with it? Why don't they just tell this guy to shut it once and for all?
Your husband is NOT caught in the middle and for him to say that means that he has absolutely no balls whatsoever.
I think that a talk is required - take your husband out to dinner and talk to him about it quietly, firmly and gently. Let him know that this behavior and his response REALLY upsets you and ask him what he will do to remedy the situation. Put the ball back in his court and ask him to set some boundaries for this man.
Let him know that you will also be talking to your children and telling them how upset you are, and asking them to take a stand.
The only thing that everyone needs to do is to say - "I don't like hearing you say these things, please don't say them again".
The guy sounds like an absolute misogynist and his behavior is tantamount to abuse - let all of your family know, quietly how you feel, and ask them to support you. That's all your asking for, is support.