One month before our wedding my husband allowed my bridesmaid (my best friend) to give him a blow job. He says that "she asked him for a hug and then felt him up and proceeded to suck him off but he pushed her away". Her version is that she was laying on the couch sleeping and he came up to her and starting trying to bang her and so she gave him a BJ to make him go away... Additionally one month after our wedding my best friend was over and it was late and I asked my husband to walk her to the car. Turns out that on the walk some flirting went on and he got aroused and showed his erection to her. He said that she asked to see it and he felt if he did not show her that she would tell me about their previous indescretion. And he did not know what to do, the risk of losing me breaks his heart. Today after 4 months of marriage I find out and feel so betrayed. I know he did not sleep with her but I feel like this is just as bad. We are newlyweds - If I stay with him, is this what my future holds, wondering if my husband is cheating? Of course he is so sorry, and blames himself and my friend exclaiming that she always flirts with him when I'm not around and that he was scared to tell me. He assures me that he will never do this again and will go to counseling or do whatever it takes for me to gain his trust again. I must add that when we were dating he cheated on me and we went to counseling and he swore this sort of thing would never happen again. It sucks because every other faucet of our life is great, we are great together, except for this. Should I give him another chance and try to make things work or annul the marriage?

He says that "she asked him for a hug and then felt him up and proceeded to suck him off but he pushed her away"

His will power is amazing. He pushed her away, wow. Um, how did his penis get in her mouth in the first place? Is she that strong?


Her version is that she was laying on the couch sleeping and he came up to her and starting trying to bang her and so she gave him a BJ to make him go away

What a great friend. She gave him a BJ to make him go away. That's how I get rid of people, works every time. Yes, I'm being sarcastic.


Turns out that on the walk some flirting went on and he got aroused and showed his erection to her. He said that she asked to see it and he felt if he did not show her that she would tell me about their previous indescretion.

You're actually buying this? Seriously?


I must add that when we were dating he cheated on me and we went to counseling and he swore this sort of thing would never happen again.

Now he's promising the same thing, again. Does the past not show you the future?

In the end it's up to you. Can you live with a man that will most likely continue cheating on you?

He's blaming everyone but the person that is to blame, himself. Your friend isn't any better, definitely get her out of your life, she doesn't give a darn about you or your marriage. The question is, does he? Can he keep it in his pants? Doesn't seem like he can.

So, do you stay married, avert your eyes every time he cheats or do you walk away now?

Only you can make that decision.

Good luck.

I understand you are in pain and I'm sorry-but did you marry the local flasher?D I V O R C E is the word that comes to mind.

Today after 4 months of marriage I find out and feel so betrayed

Why you only finding out now? He will just keep cheating, I know I've been there, get out while you have some dignity and self respect left, if you do that is, he willl make you feel worthless and you'll feel that he is all you have and if you lose him then your world is over, that's what he wants so that he can control you and use you to do and get away with what he likes.

Doesitgetbetter, sorry for what your going through. First of all, you need to get rid of your best friend in your life. She isn't your friend, she is evil. As for your husband, I don't know if you will be able to ever trust him again, I couldn't. It's horrible! This is the man you married. To me he doesn't sound much of a person to do that to you. Divorce it would be for me.. no forgiveness.

I have to agree 100% with Alty. Sorry, had to spread the rep.

Every little thing about this reeks. For crying out loud you guys weren't even married before he started screwing around on you!

The funny thing about being a guy here... you have to have a bloody erection in order for anything to happen. If he was truly not interested in screwing your not-really-a-friend he wouldn't be at full salute for her or flirting with her in the first place!

These are only the things you know he's done and I really doubt the list stops there and it most certainly is only going to continue to grow.

Personally I would have thrown the dead beat loser out before I said "I do" and I certainly wouldn't tolerate his "accidents", but that's just me with my old fashion respect for loyalty, respect, and commitment in marriages.

Time for a new best friend and a new husband.

Strike one, shame on him!
Strike two, shame on you!

His behavior isn't going to change and they may even be more that you are unaware of.

What kind of best friend flirts with your husband/soon-to-be husband every time you leave the room!
What sort of husband allows himself to be a situation accepting a blowjob because he didn't know what else to do.

You need to rethink the kind of people you have in your life.
Set some standards for how people treat you.
Stick to them, when someone betrays you, be willing to walk away or you are just allowing them to continue to betray you. One forgiveness is enough. Time for some self-analysis and some new people to be oriented into your life.

Sorry, but it's...over.

You are seeking a way to make it right and to feel better.
And, you can make it last a day more, a year more, or 10 years more,
But he violated your trust and your relationship - and you'll likely never feel whole.

Best way: Talk to him.
Get EVERYTHING OUT:All the hurt and the pain and all the emotions. Ask him to do the same.
Then, it may be time to end it.

Now you have the luxury of an ending. A clear point to start healing from. It may take a year or two BUT a BETTER GUY is out there, who will both turn you on and treat you right.
To find the right person, your life needs to be together. No drugs. No drunken nights. No sex for self-esteem. Just good connections on a deeper level.
And smart give and take... Then, it'll happen.

GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS.

A

All of you are correct... But it is so hard to close the door on someone whom is trying so hard to make things right. We indeed love each other and have a successful life together. I am 28, him 32 - Your right; It would be best to end things now and find another... but is someone really out there - that has all the great characteristics of my husband but doesn't cheat? That's the hard part... Or will I find someone with a different flaw that is just as bad or worse and be miserable forever. Right now I feel like all men cheat and some women just never find out.

I am, am "seeking a way to make it right and feel better". Everyone around us envies our love and compliments what a great future I will have with him and can't wait for us to have children. Blah, blah, blah! If only they new the current revelation. And all the gifts and money spent on our wedding $70K - I feel like I owe it to everyone to try to make it work. OMG, is this really happening.

Do I have the strength to cut my loses now? To face the embarrassment and battle each day alone having no loving arms to come home to. I imagine 5 years from now with a kid and find out he is cheating again and just dying for bringing a child into this mess.. or he really changes and 5 years from now being happier than ever. Wow!!

Once a cheater, always a cheater. I would advise to get out asap. He knew you forgave him last time. Why wouldn't you this time?

Wow, 4 months hiding this secret and that's the best cover story they could come up with? Tell him, he should have went with "I was walking out of the shower and slipped and it ended up in her mouth"

You need to grow a backbone and get rid of this cheater, he isn't going to stop. He got away with it, if he felt so guilty, then why wait 4 months to tell you! And then showed him his stuff because he felt "obligated"

DIVORCE, and take everything you can. Believe me, you won't hear anything from your friends and family about you getting one if they know the story.

Please re-read my post... there's a lot to think about I know.
But this is serious stuff... NEVER be a victim.
Life is short.
I think he loves you and you love him, BUT you may not be ideally suited to be in a marriage together.

Don't live with pain and sorrow! Talk and get help.

Oh, boy...
I think you are too naïve, and afraid to accept the harsh reality.
It is very worse than what you think.
Your husband has no idea what the marriage is about from the beginning of marriage. Marriage is about honest, trust, respect and commitment. When two people are married, their bodies & souls are belonged together for life time. Even though you are away for 10 years, he should be faithful emotionally & physically. That is about the marriage commitment. He has no concept. Period.

What happened was, your husband cheated on you
1) during honeymoon period (in this period, 99% of men are faithful)
2) for the short period while he walks your girlfriend
3) just after 3 of you spent time together
4) while you were right there at home and waiting for him with full trust
5) with the women who is supposed to be your girlfriend
6) and he cheated with the girl before marriage

It is not an accident as he is claming, but obviously his pattern, and hard to be changed.
He does not respect you. He will likely cheat on you whenever he sees opportunities for life time. You cannot trust him, and marriage is actually ended no matter what you do with it.

I think you do not have any hope, and rather divorce him to free yourself from lifelong pain.
If you decide to stay, you will live in a hell, constantly wondering if he cheats at this moment with anyone around him, accuse, doubt, and chase him, probably detect some affairs here and there, devastated, try to find some excuses for him to make you feel better, deny or forgive him or both, but still find undiscovered affaires one after another for life time. It will be only a nightmare, unless you do not mind to share your husband with all the girls in the world for life time. Do you think you can live like that for the rest of your life and have children with him? Stand up for yourself.

By the way, his excuse sounds so ridiculous, and it looks like he is mentally retarded as well. If you believe what he says, then you need to test your common sense with professional. Your girlfriend is worth for trash. It is such a shame some people have no dignity but piece of meat like body. Have you heard the story from the girl side at this time again? I am pretty sure she will claim something different story again than your husband's. It does not matter anyway at this point though, because your husband and the girl are the same kind of people. They do not deserve your heart.

What I see is,
1) Your husband initiated it each time to have sex with her, and she participated,
2) The prevous counsling did not fix him, and another counsling you like to try will not be hellpful either
3) He confessed you not because he felt guilty, but he was afraid you would find out from her
4) If you do not divorce him now, (probably you do not have guts for it at this moment), you will probably do it later anyway after suffer more.

It will not get any better. Please stop having the false hope, and prepare for yourself. I am very sorry for your pain.

Get rid of the friend for sure, and see if the husband can behave. Naw, I was going to be nice, and support another chance, but I can't see him changing, and he sounds like one weak person, when it comes to resisting temptation.

Maybe YOU should go to counseling alone, without him, and see what you think is best, but just me, I would be out of there in a hurry with those weak a$$ excuses.

Keep the gifts, and take him to the cleaners. Forget what the friends say, they don't know him like you do(except your best friend, who you divorce too.)

This is all really good stuff and actually helpful. I am reading and listening, but scared. I do have the guts to move on, and a big part of me is ready, but it's that small chance that I am making a wrong decision that keeps me here. Most people I have talked to that know my spouse tell me to work it out. That every marriage has problems and that we can get through this. Everyday I have to hear him crying and just hoping for a small chance for things to be happily-ever-after. He won't leave me alone. And his parents just in my ear begging me to trust him. I do see the pattern here, most likely it will happen again and those statistics, wow! I am trusting a bunch of strangers for advice with one of the biggest decisions of my life. I pray that you are all speaking from loads of experience. I really want to seek counseling - but too expensive for me right now and most reasonable ones are booked for months. I am smart, have a masters, am applying for law school. I can do better - now I just have to figure out how to get out of this wisely.

It sounds like you need to start over. You need to fall in love with him again... because "falling in love" is not just the butterflies in your stomach. "Falling in love" is learning to trust, sharing your life, being faithful, showing compassion, giving of yourself, and receiving the benefits of a healthy relationship.

The first thing I would do is (as Tal said) get rid of the friend. She is not your friend. No friend would do that. Period. A true friend would have told you right away, not hid it (if what she is saying is true), and DEFiNITELY not stood up with you at your wedding before God, family, and friends in support of a marriage. She is not a healthy addition to your life. If your marriage has any chance of survival, which at this point, it is very slim, she cannot be in the picture.

I would actually recommend a separation period. Can you move out? Live with your parents? A TRUE girlfriend? Begin counseling - separate AND together. Sit down and have an honest conversation that airs all of your feelings. Start from scratch.

I believe that your only chance is starting new. That is, if you feel that you can forgive, trust, and move on.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. My heart breaks for you. A new bride should not have to deal with this.

Be strong. You can make it through this... and you will be better because of it.

I pray that you are all speaking from loads of experience. I really want to seek counseling -

I am very responsible person, I am not talking to you for fun, but based on my hard learned lesson from my ex boyfriend who is ivy league educated & wall street lawyer. Thanks God, even though we were heading toward marriage, I did not marry him, and dumped him when I found he was cheating again. I forgave him at the first time just like you did. I was too naïve, so shocked, did not know what to do with it, honestly did not have guts to break off, and just tried to be a dedicated & nice girl to turn the man 'who is possibly slipped once' to a faithful person. I thought everyone deserved second chance. When I found out he cheated on me again with multiple partners, I was not angry at him, but my false hope & my waste.

All men are NOT cheaters. However, some men cheat, and once cheat, they will likely cheat again and gain. Always the first time is the hardest, but from the second time it is much easier. Your husband cheated before and after wedding, and it is very bad sign.

Sexual moral is NOT equivalent to educational level, social status, religion, or other generic behaviors in individuals. It is something about their mind set, even generic gene, level of control and commitment. Your husband has lack of control & commitment even in the honeymoon period 'when you were right there'.

Cheating Gene? (http://www.sodahead.com/blog/15365/cheating-gene/)


Nobody wants to see divorce specially in newly wed couple. Neither do I. His family specially does not want to see it, because it is such a shame for your husband & family. However, I understand your situation very well, passed my best knowledge to you to help. Now, you are the person to make a decision for yourself. I like to say no matter what you choose, I will respect your decision, and will be supportive here. Wish your best luck! Take care of yourself in tough time.

Sounds like he wanted it in the first place or it wouldn't have gotten to that stage. Weak and unfaithful.
NO EXCUSE!

I've seen this before.

Shock. Embarrassment. Fear. Paralyzed.

He has all the cards. Trial separation to think this through is your best bet. You love him and he's hurt you... But can he ever make it go away?
Only you can decide - but with some room to breathe. He must see that every action has a consequence.

I saw a woman get married last year and she found out her spouse had cheated during the engagement and refused to call it off. In fact, she pretended it never happened. She still does not trust him. Another woman I know waited 18 years. She wished she hadn't waited so long... Maybe you know something I/we don't?

But feel empowered... not a prisoner.

A

Don't worry about the $70,000, or what your family and friends will think. Don't worry about finding a good man. You SHOULD worry about yourself respect. How could you even think about being treated that way? He's a liar, and a cheat. He crossed so many lines, there's NO amount of counseling that will take the memory or image of, the two of them together. Even though they didn't have intercourse, it was sex. And it will not end. By taking him back, you've given him a " get laid anytime" pass. I know you're devastated, and I feel for you. But pick yourself up, and take the appropriate steps. He's a dog.

You see, I'm a former canine myself, and I know how our species thinks. When you're cheating, you are constantly on the prowl. I was bad, but I've never heard of charges as serious as these. NEVER.

And tell your girlfriend to go to he!!

I agree with the others who have suggested a separation and counseling together and alone. Clear your mind and go from there. If you're afraid of what he will do when you're not around... well, then there's you're answer.

Sorry this happened to you, but do not think for one minute that you owe it to your families and friends because of the wedding to make this work!! That's craziness

All that matters is how you feel right now, and right now you're shocked and hurt and probably can't make a clear decision.

In my own experience, I stayed married way too long waiting for my ex to "change". I wasted a lot of years. I, too, thought, well, what else is out there for me? I'll just wind up with someone else who has issues, blah, blah. They were just excuses for me to stay in what was comfortable to me at the time. Let me tell you, there are plenty of wonderful men out there and my freedom from the painful marriage was nothing short of heaven.

Good luck to you

She's not your friend. Please dump this petty excuse for a human being. Her character is weak.
As for your hubby, not sure if you want to forgive him - I so desperately wanted my adulterous husband to stay and work things out with him - so it's up to you if you want to do that. However, I'd definitely get rid of that so called girlfriend.

I would probably give him another chance. Only because it seems like it could have been your "friend" coming on to him. He should not have done what he did, but if your "friend" was out to get him, that really sucks for him (no pun intended ;) He did confess. Maybe a trial separation to see if he still feels the same after and doesn't hook up with someone else.

I'd give you a disagree handyamby but my comment is way too look to fit in the disagree.
Its not like they had a one time ''accident''
They are both making excuses thinking she should be a fool and 'she loves me so much she won't leave me even if I... '
And just accept their lame ''well, we couldn't help it, it just happened, we didn't mean to, besides it was the other ones fault''
They both wanted it or they wouldn't have let it get this far and then come up with illogical excuses.
There was not one but at least two incidents
that she knows about, how many other times there may be that she isn't even aware of or how can she trust it was only this far and not all the way?
Sorry they went too too far already!

Confession doesn't mean anything a lot of times ALL it means is ''she caught on so I have to admit to the minimum to give her false hope that
I will change''.

He betrayed her
He has no self control
He isn't valuing their marriage and its only been 4 months
He is making excuses
He is in denial
He is expecting her to play the fool

NOPE she don't need to be the dope.

Dump him.

Even if by some miracle he stopped cheating, his basic attitude toward you and his marriage is not going to change. He'll just go around whining about how jealous you are and he's afraid to cheat and he'll do new and inventive disrespectful things to you all the time. He will still lie and blame others for his own failings--that's obviously a first line of defense for him. That's the best you can hope for, and believe me, that's not a life.

He isn't even afraid to tell you lies that make no sense. Ignore his crocodile tears. He's just trying to calm you down long enough for you to lose momentum, after which he can resume his have-his-cake-and-eat-it-too lifestyle.

You are being stabbed in the back by both your "husband" AND your "friend".

Personally, if I found out something like this happened, my @ss would walking far, far away from both of them!!

but is someone really out there - that has all the great characteristics of my husband but doesn't cheat?

ABSOLUTELY!!!!

I can understand that you are scared of the possibilities of being alone and haunted by the "what if" factor and shame of divorce. Divorce is a big scary concept that is not to be taken lightly but this is no small matter either.

This is NOT a one time mistake or a temporary lapse in judgement. He can cry all day but that does not make him truly sorry as long as he keeps turning around and trying/attempting to do it again. He is doing these things with a clear mind repetedly. Screw now, cry my way out of it later is not the road to healing trust, hearts, and marriages but that is exactly what he is doing. Each tear is pretty much a down right lie he's feeding you.

"What if he really does change?" is the thread of rope you are holding onto and strangling yourself with at the same time. There are other things you need to really think harder on."What if he doesn't change" being at the top of the list.

Ask yourself this big "What if" right now.

If you were gone from home for any reason, and this tramp of a "friend" were to show up at your doorstep and say to him "Take me now, I want you." would he? Be honest with yourself.

My money is on in a heartbeat without reserve, yes. He'd probably have his pants down before she finished the sentence.

This is all really good stuff and actually helpful. I am reading and listening, but scared. I do have the guts to move on, and a big part of me is ready, but its that small chance that I am making a wrong decision that keeps me here. Most people I have talked to that know my spouse tell me to work it out. That every marriage has problems and that we can get through this. Everyday I have to hear him crying and just hoping for a small chance for things to be happily-ever-after. He won't leave me alone. And his parents just in my ear begging me to trust him. I do see the pattern here, most likely it will happen again and those statistics, wow! I am trusting a bunch of strangers for advice with one of the biggest decisions of my life. I pray that you are all speaking from loads of experience. I really want to seek counseling - but too expensive for me right now and most reasonable ones are booked for months. I am smart, have a masters, am applying for law school. I can do better - now I just have to figure out how to get out of this wisely.

Well said. Scary stuff. But he's being a child. Does what he wants and then cries when caught.
He might stop for a year or two... but not forever. He wants his cake and to eat it too.
Be warned of one thing: he may move on quick as a survival mechanism if you separate - as he clearly is a narcissist that cannot be alone or introspective... so, do not take it personally.

- as he clearly is a narcissist that cannot be alone or introspective....so, do not take it personally.

I wouldn't say a narcissist particularly but he sure has ZERO self control

I agree.

Not necessarily a narcissist, but a disgusting person.

Sounds like he's simply like that, you just didn't know.

Is that the kind of person anyone wants?

There's no forgiveness for that. Cause if you do or after, he'll do it again.

Just because you have a ring on your finger doesn't mean anything if your mate is a cheat.

Its about your ultimate happiness. Don't worry about ending this.

Let him do this to someone else. You don't need the pain.

Remember, he was doing you a favor by walking her to her car & showed his erection. What do you think he wanted?

Get it?

I agree he has "zero self-control" but there's more that must underly such behavior from a psychological standpoint. As that alone, is not a diagnosis.
I have a hunch there is more to the story.. ergo: narcissist theory. But would need to know more about him... but I think worth a mention as to what she may be dealing with:

A Field Guide To Narcissism | Psychology Today (http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200512/field-guide-narcissism)

His pattern with her and friends that she's seen would reveal more. The main thing is we all agree a mistake may have been made here and hanging in there may just be delaying inevitable.
He has something wrong with him, that you cannot assume will go away with a few cries and a quiet night at home.

It's not about who he lies WITH. Its who he lies TO that matters.

If you do not value yourself enough NOT to be lied to and buy into and believe his LIES then good luck in your life of fantasy and make believe.

You knew he was a cheater before you married him, so really you should not be that surprised. In fact it doesn't sound like you really are surprised or going to take it seriously like you should.

Again, good luck at lying to yourself in your life of fantasy and make believe. AND believe me he will make you believe whatever HE likes if you stay! Sounds like he is a professional to me.

All of you are correct...But it is so hard to close the door on someone whom is trying so hard to make things right. We indeed love each other and have a successful life together. I am 28, him 32 - Your right; It would be best to end things now and find another...but is someone really out there - that has all the great characteristics of my husband but doesn't cheat? Thats the hard part... Or will I find somone with a different flaw that is just as bad or worse and be miserable forever. Right now I feel like all men cheat and some women just never find out.

I am, am "seeking a way to make it right and feel better". Everyone around us envies our love and compliments what a great future I will have with him and can't wait for us to have children. blah, blah, blah! If only they new the current revelation. And all the gifts and money spent on our wedding $70K - I feel like I owe it to everyone to try to make it work. OMG, is this really happening.

Do I have the strength to cut my loses now? To face the embarrassment and battle each day alone having no loving arms to come home to. I imagine 5 years from now with a kid and find out he is cheating again and just dying for bringing a child into this mess..or he really changes and 5 years from now being happier than ever. Wow!!!


I do appreciate that you would not be on here asking for advice unless you were serious. I had read the above and thought you were not taking it as seriously as you SHOULD. i.e. looking at things through rose coloured glasses so that you could choose the easy option and stay. You are baseing all your wishful thinking on a fantasy which does not exist in real life he has already done counselling and said it wouldn't happen again... u get my point?

Really I only want to save you the years of misery I have just been through with a cheater. They NEVER change. I said what I said out of love. Move on you are smart, be smart with your heart.

Much love X x

Hey, Doesitgetbetter,

You asked if you had the strength to cut your losses now. I guess only you know, but ask yourself if you would have the strength to do it later on, when you do have children and more time and money invested. That's when the test of strength comes in.

Just think how hard it would be and how much regret you would have if this scenario takes place again in five or ten years when you two do have children.

Just something to think about.

Don't beat yourself up because this happened before you married him and you married him anyway. Everyone deserves a second chance. You, however, did not deserve this.

So, do right by yourself and take the time and space you need to think this whole thing through. Cutting your losses now will be much easier than doing it down the road, when there's so much more to lose.

Honey, you really shouldn't have married this man in the first place. (I read other posts)

And your best friend really sounds like a W**RE

Ditch them both, please, or you're going to keep getting hurt.

Yes - please save yourself the misery. My husband was a cheat and today he's left me out in the cold, and I'm stuck in thousands of dollars of debt thanks to him. So please know that being with a cheater brings more trouble than anything mind or heart related

You have to do what's right at this point and live with what turns out to be. If you live your life wondering what about "5 years from now" you will go crazy. What's right it right, and what wrong is wrong. Do what you have to do!

You have to do whats right at this point and live with what turns out to be. If you live your life wondering what about "5 years from now" you will go crazy. Whats right it right, and what wrong is wrong. Do what you have to do!

Please read the dates on threads before you post on them.