Hi there,
Anyone who cares to help but I have seen a lot of posts by wildcat and skell about this...
My fiancé recently broke with me as he wanted to be alone after 3 years together, aged 32 and 33,I became his passion and he forgot about himself , so after seeing each other as friends for the last 4 months we finally broke up properly last week, he loves me but needs to be alone to find his passion for life and as I was his first girlfriend to live with he gave too much of himself. I am an independent girl and always kept my own life but I guess he was so much in love and forgot himself and his life became my life. He wants to stay friends but I told him how I told him from the beginning I cannot just be friends that I need all or nothing.. So now I'm trying to find myself again and get new interests , meet new people... Is it possible he could regret sometime, could a man really want a life alone?

Any help would be great,Thanks.

When the alternative is to lose yourself and suffer the enormous problems that result from that, indeed yes! And this is not just a phenomena for the guys. Women are candidates for this too, even more so for the older generations who came from a past where a woman's life really was her husband and kids.

I spent fourteen years between my first and second marriage mostly alone (I needed a lot of work) and had I not taken that time and made that effort, I am certain most of my success and happiness now would simply not be possible.

People who reel from relationship to relationship, searching to make themselves whole reap (and often sow) a lot of pain. In its more extreme form, its called codependency-- a sort of addiction to love or another person. I see lots of examples of this in my line of work and sometimes here on this site. If one reaches adulthood without having grown into a "whole" person capable of making a satisfying life (and sadly quite a few do) best to work on that first before getting involved with someone. Just as your story proves, a relationship will stress that and stress that until its dealt with and very often at the "expense" of the relationship. I hope that helps illuminate it a bit. Great topic, thanks for posting it.

Thanks for the insight.. 14 years wow...
Interesting. Ive never really thought so much about losing myself..
I just found the change so shocking from someone who asked me to marry him in January to breking in May.
Guess that's why its so important in relationships to both maintain a healthly life outside each other otherwise one may lose themselves someday.

You do not need this guy back and right now it is not an option. Yes, people in love tend to get lost into each other and that is the phrase of joining together to become one when you are married.

Joe

<<If one reaches adulthood without having grown into a "whole" person capable of making a satisfying life (and sadly quite a few do) best to work on that first and then get involved with someone because just as your story proves, a relationship will stress that and stress that until its dealt with>>

Very very true, the thing was though when we met we had completely full lives and had both being single for a long long time and very independent . Guess we got overwhelmed by having found our good match that we did not keep up this.

<<that is the phrase of joining together to become one when you are married. >>

Do 2 people really need to become one?? I kind of disagree here and think people should keep 3 lives.. both of their own lives + couple life.

Or is there a thing of becoming one? or does it depend on the couple?

Anyone care to comment on this?

<<that is the phrase of joining together to become one when you are married. >>

Do 2 people really need to become one??? I kind of disagree here and think people should keep 3 lives..both of their own lives + couple life.

or is there a thing of becoming one??or does it depend on the couple?

anyone care to comment on this?
Oh! That was perfect, the three... I totally agree with you. Except it probably wouldn't sound as good in wedding vows to say "...and the two shall join together and create a third and call it.... US" LOL Sounds more like you're going into business instead!

In addition to that, there are various stages of love too that some people have trouble negotiating, like that transition from the giddy falling in-love to the deeper just plain in love or a young love to an older, different love. That factors in as well.

Ha ha yes for wedding vows it could sound a little strange ;-)))

<<there are various stages of love too that some people have trouble negotiating, like that transition from in love to deeper love or a young love to an older, different love. That factors in as well.>>

Interesting.
Thanks of your insight, guess you have been through all this and understand it all now.
Guess a lot of people think love is just about those sparks and don't really realise that love is really what there is when those sparks are gone.

Well I am living and learning I guess...

interesting. Thanks of your insight, guess you have been through all this and understand it all now. Guess alot of people think love is just about those sparks and dont really realise that love is really what there is when those sparks are gone. well i am living and learning i guess.....
:eek: I make NOOOOOO claim to understanding it all, let alone a substantial portion of it!

I am right next to you on the learning bus, girlfriend (and no, its not the short bus, you guys!) :p

I think you've gotten some great advice here.

Yes - just remember to work on yourself - be busy.

He may come back - but you can't convince anyone to come back. He also doesn't deserve any of your attention what so ever right now.

People want what they can't have - I am wondering if you both were just way too available to each other?

" Guess alot of people think love is just about those sparks and dont really realise that love is really what there is when those sparks are gone." - Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh - could you please go back in time and explain that to about 5 certain women?? PLEASE!! That is so true! Sparks are just the beginning.

Yes -we ALL are still learning.

<<People want what they can't have - I am wondering if you both were just way too available to each other?>>

Yes way too available!! I won't make that mistake ever again, but as it was the first time I was ever really in love I didn't realise that and all seemed so perfect.

Another thing I am trying to understand , why on earth are we taught from an early age that that's what love is, the princess waiting for her prince charming who live happily ever after... I think this is the whole problem , you grow up with an illusion which is not true...

Well, that is usually the case when 'love' dies - you take each other for granted.

"another thing i am trying to understand , why on earth are we taught from an early age that thats what love is, the princess waiting for her prince charming who live happily ever after... I think this is the whole problem , you grow up with an illusion which is not true......."

This is so true! It's what I call the "Movie Problem" - the movies ARE FAKE. Movies are not reality.

I real life does a women EVER take a guy back after he cries like a baby and begs?? Never. The ending in love stories are so FAKE - EXCEPT - Gone With The Wind!

Reality vs Moives/Fairy Tales... reality is so differnet and people get so confused.

Each relationship is unique in some regards so this may not be the case for others but two of THE most important things my mate and I do habitually, almost instictively, not always LOL, is:

Challenge each other constructively and trade the power back and forth.

Oddly enough most of the time when we encounter a wrinkle in the road, its about one of those two areas gone temporarily awry. In this area of our relationship, it's a bit like a high wire act and sometimes we slip and hit the nets.

Wow, this is a really great thread and you have some great answers here. Val, tremendous stuff.

I just want to add something that ties in with the theme of this thread for people to ponder.

When discussing in PM's my relationship problems some months ago with a certain member who might I add does feature prdeominately on this thread, this theory was also posed to me.

Now rol, I really don't think this applies to you. But it certainly at times can apply to other relationship. Just as there can be too much of an US, sometimes there can be not enough of an US. Please read below for a better explanation;

It fundementally comes down to this: me, you, and us-- there needs to be balance and boundaries to all 3 and that is where more and more people are screwing up. What some people call true love, I call emeshment. They lose themselves in it, too much overlap and so lose the relationship too. It sounds to me like in your relationship, it was just the opposite -- there wasn't enough overlap, the "us" part kinda sorta evaporated leaving a you and a me but no us? Does that fit at all? It may be that certain things chipped away at your intimacy, the "us" part without you both realising it?

Never a truer word spoken val...

Had to share this with others as well though!

I would like to add though that since coming here I have become aware of such issues in relationships. Many people never realise what the problem is because they jump from one to the next, never really taking time alone to understand what went wrong and how they can improve themselves. I really think this is an important part of any break up.

The time you take to evaluate. It is a sometimes painful period but I think at the other end of it the person you become is so much healthier than the person you were. St least that is the path I see myself taking.

Since I have gained a little understanding on these issues from both here and my own research, I have witnessed it so much in my "normal" life, as well as here online with posters.

I have friends who fall head deep in love and catn keep the balance. And after a couple of months it falls over. It happens all the time.

I then see those same people jump staright out of that relationship and into another one. Looking for happiness that they won't find. It is a vicious cycle and one that appears very hard for some to escape.

LOL is always a strange experience for me to be quoted.
Thank you for the compliment Skell, but to tell you the truth, I forget half the crap I say! LOL So its like, oh? I said that? :eek:
OMG, good thing is more than half way accurate! :rolleyes:

When I was just reading through this thread I remembered some crap you told me that might apply here so went to see if I still had it.
LOL. ;)

This is a great thread and I can't add anything but give yourself a chance by working on yourself. I've been married 32 years and sparks still fly but not as high. That's okay since we both know we are here as one. The key is to have two TV's. ( Didn't I say I didn't have anything to add!! )

It's hard to say for sure. If this had been a short-lived relationship where you hadn't known each other for very long then I would tell you that you no doubt smothered each other and didn't give each other any space. However, you've been together three years and were engaged, so any issues in this regard should have been resolved long ago. For now, I think you just need to forget about him and move on. You've suggested that you're trying to acquire new interests and meet new people and that's a step in the right direction. Get on with your life without him. Make him realize that you can enjoy life just as much without him as with him. You don't need him to make you happy.

Well the problem was not about smothering each other, problem according to him is that when he is in a relationship(as this was his first real one) he can only give , and feels guilty if he is not with me, according to him we became "us". I always kept my friends and at the beginning always encouraged him to call and go out with his friends but he did not ,so his life became the life I had created ,so he lost himself eventually and I became his only passion which eventually made him wake up and want to feel his passion for life again. So for me 'I' AND 'US' WERE OK BUT 'HE' was missing.

<<It fundementally comes down to this: me, you, and us-- there needs to be balance and boundaries to all 3 and that is where more and more people are screwing up. What some people call true love, I call emeshment. They lose themselves in it, too much overlap and so lose the relationship too. It sounds to me like in your relationship, it was just the opposite -- there wasn't enough overlap, the "us" part kind of sort of evaporated leaving a you and a me but no us? >>

Ill quote you again. I totally agree with the question of balance here in all 3... extremely important... If one part is missing there will be a problem.

OK I have one question... Should I keep in contact with him while he finds his identity again?

I've seen all the no contact advice here, but I think in my case this is a bit different...

I am moving on, meeting new people, doing new activties, going out with female and male friends , and I do feel fine.

I told him the last time when we talked (3 weeks)that I would contact him when I was ready so I was thinking of just sending a short email to say " I respect and understand your decision to be alone, As i said in the beginning i just want you to be happy. Im ok , having fun , ive got back to painting again. Call me when you want to meet for a drink as "just friends".


So advice, would this be OK? I really hate this silence, plus he was a good guy who always treated me so well and I cannot think of one bad thing against him, so I do just want the best for him.

No Contact!!

That is what others tell me. RRegardless of how good a man he was, contacting him will only push him further away. What you are doing now will not be of any interest to him until he starts to miss you!!

As others tell me, your ex will only miss you if you become unavailable and then they will become curious...

Hope this helps!

Well I would not be contacting him for the reason of pursuing him, it would be just to let him know I respect his decision and life goes on. I will have to contact him anyhow in 2 weeks over an issue we have so I thought it might be good to add that at the end of the mail.

O.K.

Well, that sounds o.k then, I guess you are just getting closure in this case.. But just make sure this is what motivates you to do this.

But I'm sure you know what you are doing.

Just son't want it to go pearshaped for others.. You sound like you had something special with him so just be careful how you deal with this situation.

There are going to be times when you really, really miss him and that is when the No contact becomes hard and then it seems like purseuing..

I may be talking from my own perspective but I think many make the same mistakes..

But if you need any advice, come on here and others will support you!!

I think you are making the mistake of 'burning bridges' and shutting him out completely because he is being honest with not wanting a relationship with you, and only seeking a friendship; in the end it is the best thing for you, as it sounds like if he were to stay around it wouldn't be a great thing for your well being and would only get your hopes up when they shouldn't.

Go meet new people, get out of the house and off the computer e-mailing him.

Spend some time and money on yourself, show attention to yourself so that it clicks in your mind that you are someone without him.

Is anyone worth the pain and suffering of a breakup, if they don't want you as a companion? I think not!

Its OK to cry, its OK to hit your pillow or vent here.

It should only take once to let him know that 'Life goes on', otherwise you'd be protesting too much.

I wish you luck! Take care:).

Yes of course I am not emailing him or acting stupid, and if we continue the friendship we have been having for the last 5 months since he needed to think (where he initiated every contact), it would be just that. I just had the talk 3 weeks ago as things were not clear for me and he told me he has been very confused for the last 5 months , so now things are clear , he wants to reinvent his life again. So I will continue reinventing mine also while maintaining contact if he contacts... I am a strong ,independent , confident girl not the type who would be running to his beck and call.. and when he calls I will be busy and mysterious.
Well let me see if ye have any more views on this issue?

Actually I should let him face the void...
Ill contact him in 2 weeks about the issue I have and then ill just add the bit about respecting his decision and that I want him to be happy. I won't bother with the call me if you want to go for a drink part, that sounds a bit desperate ;-)

No don't contact him in my opinion. Why?

I just don't really see a point.

Just because you are ready might not mean he is ready. Don't put any pressure on him.

Just leave it a while longer. Let him contact you when and if he is ready.

Just continue to go about your life the way you are.

Although you say you have no other motives to call him other than to just be friendly it may not necessarily appear that way, and deep inside yourself if your completely honest then I dare say it isn't entirely the truth either.

You are intrigued if there still might be something there aren't you and want to test the waters?

I just still think it is too hard and too soon to be friends. If it weren't then you wouldn't even bother asking here. It would just come natural. It wouldn't have to be forced or instigated.

So I say for the benefit of all involved don't contact him. It might not harm anything, but it might. Why take that risk when you say you are going so great without him anyway. Just keep moving forward and concentrating on you.

Having him as your friend right now probably won't assist your progress in my opinion, nor will it is!

Why do you need to tell him you respect his decision?

You are making excuses to contact him.

I think your actions would prove to him that you respect his decision. You don't need to tell him that!

Is the issue that important that you need to contact him or again are you just making excuses to contact him.

Im only asking this because I know what it is like. You look for any little reason you can to have contact hoping it will bring them back. It doesn't work like that sorry.

Trust me I know.

actually I should let him face the void...
Ill contact him in 2 weeks about the issue I have and then ill just add the bit about respecting his decision and that I want him to be happy. I won't bother with the call me if you want to go for a drink part, that sounds a bit desperate ;-)

I'm like Skell, but more curious as to what issues you may have that's so important to break no contact? There is no need to express how you feel so I'm of the mind that you are looking for an excuse to see him again. Please straighten me out.

I know the pain of keeping no contact. I have a lot of questions and things I'd like to talk about with my ex. But I push it down and stay strong. Because I will always think of more things I want to talk to her about even if I did say what I wanted to right now. But I will say nothing to her unless she decides to contact me and want to talk about it. If your ex doesn't contact you, chances are they don't want to hear what you have to say anyway, they may not be ready. When you're outside of the relationship there's no reason to talk about things that happened in it and the issues unless both people are willing to talk it out and work everything over. If things were real, he will come back in his own time when he figures out what he has to do for himself and you two will have a lot to discuss. Till then, I say let him go, enjoy your life while he figures out his and hopefully things will be for the best in the end.

<<There is no need to express how you feel so I'm of the mind that you are looking for an excuse to see him again. Please straighten me out.>>

No I promise its not an excuse. Don't be out of your mind with me ;-)
So the thing is we still own a house together where I am living now, so the issue is regarding a really big bill. It can wait a few weeks.

Thanks everyone else for the advice.
Ive also read love tactics site which is great , kind of the advice I had given to myself... But I guess there is a waiting period first?

This one for example
"It isn't the "friendship" you want to discontinue. It's any expectations he may feel entitled to from you that you want to cease. In other words, he can call but you may not be there. He might want to see you but you might have a date with someone else, or plans that you are under no obligation to explain to him. There is no understanding of exclusivity, or friendship that makes him a priority over anyone else. But I wouldn't hold a hard line on saying "we can't be friends... it's either all or nothing!" What that does is tell him how badly hooked you are on him and that you're all emotional over him. He will be more attracted to you if he thinks that you are independent enough to be his friend, but not be dependent upon his friendship. I know it's a hard balancing act, but it is precisely what works. Be such a good friend that he really enjoys your friendship -- WHEN HE CAN GET IT! But be elusive enough (end your conversations first, and don't return all of his calls or any of them right away) that you become more of a challenge. It is VERY important also, that you show enough independence to be developing relationships with other men and dating as much as possible. That stimulates a man's competitive nature and increases his desire for you.


Would this be the next step after the 2 month no contact phase?

I really really appreciate all your advice.

<<People want what they can't have - I am wondering if you both were just way too available to each other?>>

yes way too available!!!!!!!!!!i wont make that mistake ever again, but as it was the first time i was ever really in love i didnt realise that and all seemed so perfect.


Hi Rol, thanks for your advice in my post by the way..

Reference to the quote above, Yes I think when you become too available, you become lost in a kind of bubble where everything seems perfect and you become so deeply distracted (quoting tal in my thread) that you are unable to act on any signs of a relationship starting to fall apart.

Do you think a complete split could bring you closer together as in, possibly reconcile after some months have passed with No Contact - referring to your situation?

Hi Geoffersonairplane,
Thanks for your advice, I've been reading WAPS thread also. We are all in the same situation.. I'm going to read the updates in your thread now.
Yes I need to do no contact,
Keep drumming it into me ;-)

<<There is no need to express how you feel so I'm of the mind that you are looking for an excuse to see him again. Please straighten me out.>>

no i promise its not an excuse. don't be out of ur mind with me ;-)
So the thing is we still own a house together where i am living now, so the issue is regarding a really big bill. It can wait a few weeks.

Thanks everyone else for the advice.
Ive also read love tactics site which is great , kind of the advice i had given to myself....But i guess there is a waiting period first?

This one for example
"It isn't the "friendship" you want to discontinue. It's any expectations he may feel entitled to from you that you want to cease. In other words, he can call but you may not be there. He might want to see you but you might have a date with someone else, or plans that you are under no obligation to explain to him. There is no understanding of exclusivity, or friendship that makes him a priority over anyone else. But I wouldn't hold a hard line on saying "we can't be friends...it's either all or nothing!" What that does is tell him how badly hooked you are on him and that you're all emotional over him. He will be more attracted to you if he thinks that you are independent enough to be his friend, but not be dependent upon his friendship. I know it's a hard balancing act, but it is precisely what works. Be such a good friend that he really enjoys your friendship -- WHEN HE CAN GET IT! But be elusive enough (end your conversations first, and don't return all of his calls or any of them right away) that you become more of a challenge. It is VERY important also, that you show enough independence to be developing relationships with other men and dating as much as possible. That stimulates a man's competitive nature and increases his desire for you.


Would this be the next step after the 2 month no contact phase?

i really really appreciate all your advice.

I don't know about two months. But when you honestly are at a place where you are mature and healthy and live a balanced fulfilled life then anything is possible. In two months if you HONESTLY think you have arrived at that place then you'll know it. Not to doubt you or your commitment to heal but being honest with ones self is a very healthy sign and make take longer than two months. All you have to do is ask some of the people who post here how long its been for them to get insight on just what they are going through and how long they have been going through it.

Well I am changing mood every day, one day I am OK and the next I am not so good.
I was actually OK when we were doing the friends thing until the night that we spent together, but of course that was all a bit weird because I don't think either of us had ended things at all, and were both very confused, and I guess while he was confused he was calling me whenever he would miss me.. The thing is the night we talked we could easily have ended up being intimate again, we were smiling at each other and it was getting ridiculous so I had to talk about how I was confused the last time.
So now I have definitely to do no contact to make all this seem more real.
I just went for lunch now and met someone I knew and he goes how's your boyfriend /husband.So I just said he's fine. I cannot tell people. The same thing happened last week and when I tried to explain what had happened the girl actually laughed and thought it was a joke.
So I've told 3 people I think! My colleages in office at work don't even knowOutside I'm a happy person and good at hiding my feelings but inside its another story!
Plus it was my birthday a few days ago and I got about 30 mails and calls, but none from my ex(gosh that's the first time I think I called him that) I think I am in a process of serious denial!!

Excuse my venting here but it is helping me to express my thoughts..

Shock, denial, bargaining, anger, fear, sadness -- all parts of the grieving process. And its wise to choose with care who you reveal yourself to since this is a time of great emotional fragility. Be especially protective and kind with yourself as you heal and know that it's a "three steps forward, two back" kind of process for all humans. Allow yourself to find the gem of wisdom in this to apply to all future endeavors so that the pain is not for nothing. My condolences to you about your loss.

Thank you all for you words of wisdom...

I was just reading Skells advice on another thread which also helps

"i think maybe it is about time that you became selfish and stop putting others first.
Put yourself first and your happiness.
If you dont do this and give yourself the best possible shot at being happy then you can't complain when you arent happy.
does that make sense.
you say you always put others first and never look after your own well being. Well of course you arent going to be happy. Do you like the misery? Im sure you dont.
Well stop it. Give yourself the best possible chance at happiness. And if that involves being a little selfish and putting yourself before others then thats what it takes. Too bad.
Until you do as such then you wont be happy and probably dont deserve it because you havent really tried.
The ball is in your court. Which path do you want to take.
i know which one i would!"

This also helps me understand that my ex made the decision to make himself happy and oput himself first.That was actually my reasoning in wanting to send that mail I wanted to send previously, just to show that I am fine and understand his decision, otherwise maybe he thinks I am wallowing in selfpity now and is not concentrating on himself as he should be.

Shock, denial, bargaining, anger, fear, sadness -- all parts of the grieving process. And its wise to choose with care who you reveal yourself to since this is a time of great emotional fragility. Be especially protective and kind with yourself as you heal and know that its a "three steps forward, two back" kind of process for all humans. Allow yourself to find the gem of wisdom in this to apply to all future endeavors so that the pain is not for nothing. My condolences to you about your loss.


I had a big problem with the shock and denial stages and I was numb for a good month and then anger set in like I never felt it before and to be honest, I keep switching between Sadness and anger, my mind can't make it's mind up.. I have become emotkionally resigned to the reality of my situation but it's a long process rol...

I do hope your pain heals soon, but please remain out of contact for your own sake... I think I've cracked the No Contact and it speeds up the process a little, not saying it goes away but it sure beats contact, that will just hurt you even more regardless of your motives behind the contact..

NO CONTACT!!

Take Care!

This also helps me understand that my ex made the decision to make himself happy and oput himself first.That was actually my reasoning in wanting to send that mail i wanted to send previously, just to show that i am fine and understand his decision, otherwise maybe he thinks i am wallowing in selfpity now and is not concentrating on himself as he should be.

Please don't worry so much about what he thinks at this time. It doesn't matter whether he thinks your wallowing in self pity or going better than ever. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't help you.

Only you help you. So how about you be selfish as well and stop worrying about him, and focus on you.

It will get you no where. I have been in your shoes and until you start to worry about yourself and realise that worrying about your ex doesn't change anything you will continue to stagnate in the one spot.

My ex also for the first time in her life decided to pout herself first. But it was at the expense of me. Until I realised that and decided to stop feeling sorry for her and me nothing improved.

Hi There,
Thanks,
Ye are great , ye really understand. This is such great help...
Went for a long walk last night it cleared my head.. and started wondering why I am worrying about him so much, so decided NO CONTACT is the way! Otherwise we would be exactly back to where we were last May!! Now is the time for reality and to focus on just me. I printed out all your advice and reread it over and over again last night so slowly its sinking in:)

NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT:)

Exercise is key!! Always.

I was doing research last night and came across some good thoughts - your EX won't come back until you're over them - they need to see you have a great fun life -you can get alone with out them.

You have to get over them - that's part of the 'no contact'.

No contact is so key because you work on yourself. You grow, you learn.

ThanKS wildcat,
Yeah I completely agree no contact is key, even in 2 days I feel so much better since I had that dire need to contact after my birthday.

Now I'm focusing on me, and doing fun things again, going out tonight with 2 friends and this weekend going away for a fun weekend.

Any other bits of info you think of to add to my research will be good :)

Thanks :))

I would like to add though that since coming here i have become aware of such issues in relationships. Many people never realise what the problem is because they jump from one to the next, never really taking time alone to understand what went wrong and how they can improve themselves. I really think this is an important part of any break up.


Quite true.. It is an important time to reflect on what went wrong and what part you had to play in the events leading up to the breakup. It is easy to bleam the one who ends the relationship and not focus on improvements in yourself.

Not relating this to you Rol but to everyone in a breakup and I think Skell makes a very good point here. I really do believe that going from one relationship to another without acknowledging this could lead to a series of patterns..

[QUOTE=Geoffersonairplane]It is easy to bleam the one who ends the relationship and not focus on improvements in yourself.
QUOTE]

Sorry, I meant easy to BLAME not bleam.. Perhaps I should start using voice recognition software..

I have forgotten who wrote this poem but I found it useful in turning some necessary corners whilst growing up:

"After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company isn't security.
Kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.

After awhile you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain
and the inevitable has a way of crumbling in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you stand too long in one place.
So, you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.
And you learn you really can endure,
that you really do have worth.
You learn that with every good-bye comes the dawn."

I have forgotten who wrote this poem but I found it useful in turning some necessary corners whilst growing up:

"After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company isn't security.
Kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.

After awhile you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain
and the inevitable has a way of crumbling in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you stand too long in one place.
So, you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.
And you learn you really can endure,
that you really do have worth.
You learn that with every good-bye comes the dawn."

Awww its lovely.thanks.

Im just going to add info from time to time here to update how I'm feeling and how the process is going(hopefully in a few years I can look back and laugh at it all)

So I'm feeling OK, I'm not constantly looking at my phone anymore.Im busy and getting used to be alone again , its like rewinding time by 3 years as when we met I was very happy by myself and had a full happy life. So I'm happy I'm getting back to this point again.

This morning however I began thinking again how perhaps I should have been more patient and not asked when I did that evening and it could have led to more, but then again it was 5 months of "friendship" so I believe it was time to know something. Plus why should he have my friendship etc when I told him from the beginning I did not want to be "just friends". That was not good for me and now we need distance away from each other .

So I shall stop thinking for now and just focus on me.

So i shall stop thinking for now and just focus on me.

It is easy for others to tell you not to think about it and start focusing on yourself, but easier said than done.

The answer is Yes, this is what you MUST do but you will get times where this is simply not easy and you will feel like you are back to square one.. It is part of the process to move backwards and forwards like an emotional yo-yo..

Believe me, it's happening, big time, to me...



So im feeling ok, im not constantly looking at my phone anymore.Im busy and getting used to be alone again , its like rewinding time by 3 years as when we met i was very happy by myself and had a full happy life. So im happy im getting back to this point again.


This is exactly how you need to move forward, I was single and happy for 5 years for the most part before I met my ex and so used to it that loneliness was not something I thought about. When you invest emotionally so much into a relationship, when it ends suddenly, it can be a bit of a shock when you are forced into a situation of feeling alone again and not be happy about it. It takes time to adjust to this.


This morning however i began thinking again how perhaps i should have been more patient and not asked when i did that evening and it could have led to more, but then again it was 5 months of "friendship" so i believe it was time to know something. Plus why should he have my friendship etc when i told him from the beginning i did not want to be "just friends". That was not good for me and now we need distance away from each other .


It is best not to dwell on what you have or have not done in the past as it won't change anything about your current situation. You are 100% on the money regarding the friendship, you want more than friendship. It would have been unhealthy to continue a friendship with him when you want more out of it than he does. You do need distance from each other and once time has passed, it will put things into better perspective for the both of you.

Thanks,

Yeap I need to forget about the past... and focus on now which reminds me of a nice saying.

Yesterday is history, tomorrows a mystery, today is a gift that's why they call it the present.

"Dream as though you'll live forever, live as though you'll die today" James Dean

"To day is the best day of my life"!

Well I'm feeling fine recently and now instead of asking Could a man want a life alone, I find myself asking Could I really want a life alone... I guess this is what no contact does, really puts things in perspective...
I can see now how I changed from a totally independent ,free,girl to a somewhat love addict!!
Now I feel I am back to who I was before all this love happened and it is a good place to be. I guess this is what also happened to my ex who was also a free travelling type before I met him. We just became such changed people...

Well I don't think I ever want to have that adicted feeling again, I remember how I would feel sick if he had to take a plane or something and how we would miss each other so much after a few days away.So now I am not so sure if I ever want to live with someone again... How to people really manage to keep their own lives in a relationship while living together? Any thoughts on how to keep your own identity alive? I guess being busy and doing your own activities etc, but still... im wondering if the perfect relationship for me would be just to live in separate places and see each other once a week!!

Actually finally I'm so glad we didn't marry this year , I would have never have known how it was to be "me" again...

Any thoughts on how to keep your own identity alive
Knowing who you are, and what you are about, is most of the challenge and the confidence to explore yourself to get better. It all start with loving yourself enough to take care of you. By the way I read your original post from October 22, and you have changed your tune a bit I see. You've come a long way in a month! Well done.

<<It all start with loving yourself enough to take care of you.>>

True... my problem is though I can not really think about just me... especially in a relationship... Guess it is something for me to really work on..
(Actually that is what my ex told me about himself also. This is so strange in 1 month I find myself completely agreeing with all he said and it is the exact way I am feeling now.. perhaps as I was behind him in the healing process I had not understood any of it before now)


<<You've come a long way in a month! Well done.>>

Thanks and most of it is thanks to you and these wonderful boards.. I think I would have gone back to contact in the week after the breakup if it had not been for this place and I would never have got to this point of understanding that it was good that this breakup happened..

<<Knowing who you are, and what you are about, is most of the challenge and the confidence to explore yourself to get better. It all start with loving yourself enough to take care of you. >>

I like these words a lot , thanks, wanted to rate it but can't spread the rep ;-)

my problem is though i can not really think about just me...especially in a relationship......Guess it is something for me to really work on..


Hi Rol,

I am glad that you are making progress, it is great to be part of a network of people who are all going through or have been through similar situations. It is good to see people progress and to help them when they feel like they are slipping back.

Yes, I think the breakup in your situation was a positive thing as it gives you the opportunity to work on yourself an example of which is shown in the quote above. I do think however that what you have said here simply paints a portrait of an unselfish person. The flipside to this coin is that it is not healthy to only think about oneself in a relationship...

As you know, it is a question of balance and I suspect that this is where you are coming from rol.

Anyway.. Good to hear that you are getting along o.k.. And I must say that the advice you have given in other threads I have read has been very good, you are passing on what is working for you from experience.

Hi there,
anyone who cares to help but i have seen alot of posts by wildcat and skell about this...
My fiance recently broke with me as he wanted to be alone after 3 years together, aged 32 and 33,i became his passion and he forgot about himself , so after seeing each other as friends for the last 4 months we finally broke up properly last week, he loves me but needs to be alone to find his passion for life and as i was his first girlfriend to live with he gave too much of himself. I am an independent girl and always kept my own life but i guess he was so much in love and forgot himself and his life became my life. He wants to stay friends but i told him how i told him from the beginning i cannot just be friends that i need all or nothing..So now im trying to find myself again and get new interests , meet new people... Is it possible he could regret sometime, could a man really want a life alone?

Any help would be great,Thanks.
Check out the site www.lovetactics.com.. will give u betteradvicethan anybody can here... TRUST ME!!

check out the site www.lovetactics.com (http://www.lovetactics.com) ..will give u betteradvicethan anybody can here...TRUST ME!!!!
Take your checkbook.

Take your checkbook.


Ditto this..

I just got an email from him now...

Hi Rol,
Sorry for contacting you (as you told me to wait), but I was wondering if there's any news about renting the room as we talked.I would really appreciate if you can keep me informed so that I can organize myself.
Thank you.


I guess I should reply just business like example"yes the room has been rented , please send me your bank info and i will start transferring money from February" Should I say anything else?

OK a few questions now for all ye experts out there, wake up I need your help!
So my first thoughts were just to write a business like email... but by doing will he think I'm still all emotional about the break up ?

So the thing now I don't understand is

1. do I show I'm fine with the breakup? In saying example, no problem I'm OK now life goes on etc, or something like that?

2. do I appear business like
, but that way he will think I'm pissed off and not contact me again until I contact??

Hi Rol, I am just about awake ha ha !


Personally, I don't think I would say anything like 'life goes on'. I would try to not mention anything from the past. I would just keep the email in the same tone, that he sent to you. Then that way you are replying, but you are not giving anything away about how you are doing.

Hi Rol, I am just about awake ha ha !


Personally, I don't think I would say anything like 'life goes on'. I would try to not mention anything from the past. I would just keep the email in the same tone, that he sent to you. Then that way you are replying, but you are not giving anything away about how you are doing.

Hi Rol, I have just finished my third cup of coffee, so I am just about awake! LOL

Completely agree with this advice by Wap rol..

Don't be too business like as that will show you are annoyed/resentful as you point out. At the same time, don't give anything away, don't talk about the breakup or say that you are fine or not fine with it.

Don't ask him what he is doing or how he is. Just be polite and as Wap says, reply in the same tone as he sent to you.

You can't go wrong then.

Thanks guys, I'm waking up again after lunch ;-)
And thinking more clearly :)

Ill just be polite then, no talk about how I am. Just polite business talk and nothing that needs a reply to it.

So I finally sent my polite business like mail and he sent one back right away hoping that the new housemate was nice , so I guess I shouldn't have bothered replying... but I sent a funny oneliner back about her, then he sent a funny one liner back. Now back to No contact again for me...

, but that way he will think im pissed off and not contact me again until i contact????????????

Hi Rol,

Looks like you handled it well. I wouldn't worry so much though about how you come across to him.

Who cares frankly. He is your ex and you should be worrying about how you come across to yourself. Not what he thinks. Who cares!!


What do you mean by the above line in your post above?

"not contact me again until I contact?"

Are you planning on contacting him in the future?

Why?

Sorry if I have understood wrong!

What I meant was that I like to end things nicely and don't like any biterness or bad feelings.

No I'm not going to contact him

Well its been almost 2 months since we broke up, and I've become much stronger person, and have a busy life, have met some new people, started new sports and interests.. I'm happy and smiling.

And well I feel like being in contact with my ex again.. I am ready to just be friends.

I will not have to act like all is fine , as all is fine with me!!

I think I'm going to send a message for the new year.

I expected you to finally come to that conclusion, since that's what's been on your mind for a few weeks now. A few feel good texts had you thinking doesn't it?

<<I expected you to finally come to that conclusion, since that's what's been on your mind for a few weeks now. A few feel good texts had you thinking doesn't it?>>

Ha ha yeah maybe that's it..
Maybe its Christmas.
Maybe its from watching a crappy love movie last night!!
Or maybe I just am really ready to be friends, or maybe I am not.

But is patience not sometimes good to have? You really think I should never contact him again?

I think its been on your mind, because you need the closure, and you have something to prove to yourself. I also know that this time of year brings out strong feelings. I've watched you do so well, and just don't want you to take the focus off you yet. I think that is important. This is the first holiday apart, so I do understand the need to test yourself. I still think you put far too much importance on what he thinks, since it really shouldn't matter. I imagine you'll get a lot of feedback, so just my thoughts, you have been doing quite well though the way I see it.

Thanks Tal,

Well I think I already had closure, I did have a good converstion with him 2 months ago.
The only thing I kind of regret was saying "i cannot be just friends" it kind of seems like a spoilt child that just wants everything..

However I just don't want him out of my life like that ,if I contact him its not to get back together as we both do need to get both of our lives in order again.

And is it so bad to send a happy new year message? We were best friends after all and I think it's a bit stubborn and seems stupid not to send him a happy new year message like I would do to any of my friends.

OK, I'm still thinking about it... and what is good for me

Hi there,
anyone who cares to help but i have seen alot of posts by wildcat and skell about this...
My fiance recently broke with me as he wanted to be alone after 3 years together, aged 32 and 33,i became his passion and he forgot about himself , so after seeing each other as friends for the last 4 months we finally broke up properly last week, he loves me but needs to be alone to find his passion for life and as i was his first girlfriend to live with he gave too much of himself. I am an independent girl and always kept my own life but i guess he was so much in love and forgot himself and his life became my life. He wants to stay friends but i told him how i told him from the beginning i cannot just be friends that i need all or nothing..So now im trying to find myself again and get new interests , meet new people... Is it possible he could regret sometime, could a man really want a life alone?

Any help would be great,Thanks.
I'm going through the same thing you are right now. In reading this post I've come to learn a lot about my own situation. I dated a girl for 2 years and she ended things with me after a month and 1/2 break in the relationship. Our relationship was complicated as it was long distance, requiring a lot of work and sacrifice. But we still saw each other enough to make it work. Like your situation she doesn't know what she wants out of life. And to complicate things even more, she was adimit on relocating to a different part of the country because it was something she always wanted to do. I agreed to join her and move, but the stipulation from my side was that the move wasn't about "what you want" or "what I want", but "what we want" and "whats best for us." So that was the plan for several months. But then I could feel things starting to change and would catch her unconsciously talking about her and what she wanted in conversations with friends. Finally all her personal issues came to the surface and the more I proded to understand her, the more issues came up that I never knew existed and it was all exasperated by her not knowing what she wanted out of life. I remained supportive and thoughtful because I thought it would help her realize what she had in us. And although it was what I thought was right in my heart I've come to realize it was the wrong thing to do because the answers she was looking for were ones she had to come up with on her own. By being supportive I think it put even more pressure on her. I found out how truly unhappy she is with her career choice and where she's at in life. I exposed her weaknesses without intentionally trying to do so and it scared her. I tried to support her and help her but she took offense to it and finally our relationship ended. She complained about the distance and acted like we didn't know each other well enough to take the next step and live together, then it was about me changing to be with her, then it was how do I know you're the one. I cut her off with answers to everyone of these questions and it frustrated her even more because I could tell she was trying to let go. She didn't have the courage to break it off, I knew it but I drug it out and made it as hard as possible on her by trying to come up with all the answers. Finally after a month and 1/2 of this it came down to I feel like this relationship has grown more into a friendship. In the end she left it at " I love you and I care about you a lot but I'm not ready for a commitment." She told me she needed to figure out what she wanted out of life and that she felt like I had to put my life on hold while she figured this all out.

I've struggled with this now for 2 months and it's the hardest experience I've ever gone through in my life. I'm 30 years old and I thought this was the girl I would marry and I know she put a lot of thought into whether I was "the one" because she brought it up as we went through this and I had never talked about my intentions with her until she finally ended it. I also think I did this because I felt responsible for this in some way, but I'm really starting to see what I was most worried about was my own insecurities. And when I thought about it more, I realized it wasn't so much about me as it was about her. To her credit she really tried to sort things out and the more she did this the more confusing things got for me. I realized it was a waste of time trying to find answers to questions for which there are no answers. People need to know who they are and what they truly want out of life before they can be truly be happy with someone else. They can either choose to face their fears or avoid them and runaway and go with what is comfortable. The choice to grow is there own.

In retrospect I wish I knew sites like this existed because I would have done things differently. I wouldn't have approached this with her like this was the end of the world. I groveled and offered to do whatever it takes to make our relationship work and tried to remind her of all the amazing times we had. I even went as far as recalling old conversations we had about us and what we had in each other. And I realize there's no need to do that because she lived those times with me. In doing this and being so supportive it only made her think about our difficulties because she needed to find a way to justify why she was ending things.

She knew how hard this was on me and went out of her way to show me how much she cared about me with cards and phone calls during and after our break. It made me feel better knowing she cared but it damaged mypride knowing she didn't care for me the way she used to. As a guy it's hard for me to understand what it means to "love someone" but to walk away and feel bad about breaking their heart. To me it's either you love or you don't love and there's no between. The hardest part for me was regaining my selfworth and telling her it was too hard for me to keep in contact with her if we weren't together. I left it at I want to see her again sometime and she agreed. I think about her everyday, its hard adjusting to not hearing that voice on the other end of the line or exchanging emails daily. But for now I'm working on my confidence and overcomming my insecurties.

thanks Tal,

well i think i already had closure, i did have a good converstion with him 2 months ago.
The only thing i kind of regret was saying "i cannot be just friends" it kind of seems like a spoilt child that just wants everything..

However i just dont want him out of my life like that ,if i contact him its not to get back together as we both do need to get both of our lives in order again.

and is it so bad to send a happy new year msg? we were best friends after all and i think its a bit stubborn and seems stupid not to send him a happy new year msg like i would do to any of my friends.

ok, im still thinking about it.... and what is good for me

I think as Tal suggests, you may just need closure. I don't think it is such a bad thing to wish him a happy new year. Like you say, you were best friends and had a lot of history together. This time of year is bound to be full of emotions especially this being the first one since the break-up. If you feel ready for friendship and I applaud you if you are, then sending a message like this won't do any harm because your intentions are quite genuine.

You will be fine Rol, you are strong either way. Oh, if I don't get to say it nearer the time, or if I forget, have a great christmas and new year!! :)

Also, like you I am debating whether or not to contact her over the holidays. One of her friends gave me this whole the holidays are a magical time crap and it might be worth a shot. I want to do it, but it's probably better to have her think about me. And besides the phone and the mail work both ways.

But like you, the situation is complicated more because I told her I didn't want to talk to her. It's sad, but I really want to know what she's thinking. I guess that's why I've proded a mutual friend of ours for info on how she's doing. I'm even debating hanging out with our friend in the prescence of a girl who wants to go on a date with me in hopes of it getting back to my x. Sad to say the least, but I'm fighting the ulterior motives and am not the type of person to use someone.

Hi there,
anyone who cares to help but i have seen alot of posts by wildcat and skell about this...
My fiance recently broke with me as he wanted to be alone after 3 years together, aged 32 and 33,i became his passion and he forgot about himself , so after seeing each other as friends for the last 4 months we finally broke up properly last week, he loves me but needs to be alone to find his passion for life and as i was his first girlfriend to live with he gave too much of himself. I am an independent girl and always kept my own life but i guess he was so much in love and forgot himself and his life became my life. He wants to stay friends but i told him how i told him from the beginning i cannot just be friends that i need all or nothing..So now im trying to find myself again and get new interests , meet new people... Is it possible he could regret sometime, could a man really want a life alone?

Any help would be great,Thanks.
Rol,

If you don't mind. I'd like to lean on you sometime to understand the thinkings of strong independent women like yourself.

Ryan

Hi Ryan ,
Thanks for the messages.
Yes of course you can, send me pm's if you need to try and understand something. I hope I can help.

To both Rol and Rocket - Ending it as friends, not enemies is always good but that is predicated on it ending. If you really think it through, remaining active friends with ex's just doesn't have a lot going for it -- its awkward at best if you are truthful about it and I sense it's a way to keep the hope alive for those who like to remain in denial about it really being over.

What happens when you meet someone else? Your ex, now friend suddenly gets dumped as a friend? Or you try to be openminded about it and offer your new partner the opportunity to meet your friend, the ex? How's that going to work? I mean gee why not have a menage a trois while you're at it? Or supposing its your ex who meets someone? If it was all that casual to begin with, then why all the broken hearted stuff? I think its wise to spare people's feelings and drift away from ex's where possible and deliberately distance where not.

And as for that denial that its really and truly over... for every day you live in that denial, you delay your ability to properly grieve the loss. And failure to properly grieve the loss means you really didn't let go. It carries over into that next relationship, not as legit experience, but as excess baggage that you can almost plan on it, at some point, interfering with that relationship. There is a HUGE difference between legit past experience and unfinished business.

This is how it works with people, you only need look into the world to see this and its just not possible to bend it all with your will to make it work any other way-- otherwise we'd all be doing that LOL

Rol,

Do you see some similarity in our situation? What is your advice to me?

Rocket

<<What happens when you meet someone else? Your ex, now friend suddenly gets dumped as a friend? Or you try to be openminded about it and offer your new partner the opportunity to meet your friend, the ex? How's that going to work? I mean gee why not have a menage a trois while you're at it? Or supposing its your ex who meets someone?

>>

Ha ha
Well lets see, with my first ever boyfriend(13 years ago !), we remained friends after ,sending emails here and there and we are still in contact.. he is now married with 2 kids. He wanted to get back together a year after we broke but I had already moved country etc by then and I was not going back.

Another guy I went out with for a few months(the type who is a bit like your brother Val, that you mentioned on another post) and we broke up and we remained great friends , and it was through him that I met this guy.. but he was never told that me and that guy had a brief relationship, that was hsitory by then .so staying friends with exes does have some advantages after all ha ha.

No menages a trois though lol ;-)

<<Your ex, now friend suddenly gets dumped as a friend? Or you try to be openminded about it and offer your new partner the opportunity to meet your friend, the ex? >>

I never dump any friends ;-) if the new guy I was to meet could not accept that I wanted to stay friends with an ex then he would be dumped!

<<What happens when you meet someone else? Your ex, now friend suddenly gets dumped as a friend? Or you try to be openminded about it and offer your new partner the opportunity to meet your friend, the ex? How's that going to work? I mean gee why not have a menage a trois while you're at it?? Or supposing its your ex who meets someone?

>>

ha ha
well lets see, with my first ever boyfriend(13 years ago !), we remained friends after ,sending emails here and there and we are still in contact.. he is now married with 2 kids. he wanted to get back together a year after we broke but i had already moved country etc by then and i was not going back.

Another guy i went out with for a few months(the type who is a bit like ur brother Val, that you mentioned on another post) and we broke up and we remained great friends , and it was through him that i met this guy..but he was never told that me and that guy had a brief relationship, that was hsitory by then .so staying friends with exes does have some advantages after all ha ha.

no menages a trois though lol ;-)
Please Rol, this is not meant to sound snotty but rather it's a sincere question or a way to make a valid point-- take your pick, okay? And all this method of yours has led you to find a partner with whom you are now in a successfully committed relationship that has proved itself by enduring over time? I can certainly take being disagreed with but I still claim that some of what is suggested here about trying to get an ex back doesn't hold up in the real world very well. Talking from experience is far more useful than talking from only opinions or books but the ones who's experiences amounted to actual success might be a good place to pay attention to. Just a thought.

Yeah I get your point , but I'm just saying it is possible to just remain friends with exes.
For most people I know its not, but for me it certainly is.

You certainly feel that way Rol, everyone is different. I did try to rate your answer but I wasn't allowed! You are very strong, and a nice person

i never dump any friends ;-) if the new guy i was to meet could not accept that i wanted to stay friends with an ex then he would be dumped!!
This is certainly your choice and I honor that too. And I am mindful that people differ too-- I only need look at my wildly varying friends to see that! However, what you say here may also be a way of eliminating some fine candidates Rol, since there are enough quality people out there who would take ex's hanging around as a red flag. All I am politely suggesting is this: that when you are producing results that you don't like... then it works best to objectively look at all the methodology being used that is producing the unsatisfactory results. I think it was Tal who once said: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

yeah i get ur point , but im just saying it is possible to just remain friends with exes.
For most people i know its not, but for me it certainly is.

This is what makes you an incredibly strong person...

I don't doubt that you have learnt how to achieve this through experience.

Maybe I could be like that but not right now, neither would I want to.

<<However, what you say here may also be a way of eliminating some fine candidates Rol, since there are enough quality people out there who would take ex's hanging around as a red flag.>>

True, but by then I would have truly moved on with that new guy that he would have no need to be jealous. I'm not talking friends as in great buddies chatting every day either, but friends who just see each other from time to time to catch up.

<<I don't doubt that you have learnt how to achieve this through experience.

Maybe I could be like that but not right now, neither would I want to.>>

Yes experience exactly.
I keep the people who I like in my life.

To both Rol and Rocket - Ending it as friends, not enemies is always good but that is predicated on it ending. If you really think it through, remaining active friends with ex's just doesn't have a lot going for it -- its awkward at best if you are truthful about it and I sense its a way to keep the hope alive for those who like to remain in denial about it really being over.
This is why I qualified it as "active friends" Rol. What you are describing is a casual acquaintance to me. I can see now why you thought what you did. We have more of a semantics disagreement than anything. Does what you are suggesting mean that your new guy is NOT in a position to make friends with your ex's then?

<<This is why I qualified it as "active friends" Rol. What you are describing is a casual acquaintance to me. I can see now why you thought what you did. >>

Ahhhhhhhh exactly!! I didn't see your "active friends part" on the post.
Casual friends exactly!!

Ah we agree at last Val :))

Whatever you do, do it with your eyes wide open.

Rol - You've obviously changed your mind since you wrote this on Post #47 a few pages back on this thread in November:

This morning however i began thinking again how perhaps i should have been more patient and not asked when i did that evening and it could have led to more, but then again it was 5 months of "friendship" so i believe it was time to know something. Plus why should he have my friendship etc when i told him from the beginning i did not want to be "just friends". That was not good for me and now we need distance away from each other .
May I ask what has changed your mind about friendship with ex's?

It's all based on if you can deal with seeing gthem with someone else. Have you moved on? Can you move on?

A LOT of people accept friendship in hopes to eventually win the ex back - works sometimes.

Friends is the basis for a healthy relationship - you're not necessarily best buddies - but you better darn like hanging out with that person if you're going gto see them.

A LOT of people accept friendship in hopes to eventually win the ex back - works sometimes.
What the majority of people do is often where the greatest truth lies for me. Each to their own, certainly, but I plan on believing this when I start hearing from people who are actually experiencing this. When it's a very small percentage for whom this occurs, then it means they are different in some measurable way. To believe I am one of those takes knowing how it is I am different and therefore like them. I know all too well what its like getting hurt by my own fantasies and bad science. So I don't invite others to do that either.

Rol,

Reading the recent developments in this thread I can't help but really think that you are hoping this 'friendship' you desire with the ex, will actually bring him back to you.

On must only look at your intentions when first coming here only a little over a month ago.

The title of your initial thread (this one) says it all.

So you are saying in that month and half you have completely moved on, got over him and are ready to sustain a friendship with this man that caused you so much grief and hurt?

You are certainly bucking the trend of everyone else who comes here, and indeed everyone I have ever known in my life when it comes to healing, greiving, moving on etc.

In a matter of 6 or 7 weeks you have gone from desperately wanting him back and hurting so badly, to being at a point where you are so far over him and moved on that you want to be friends. Wow, I wish I could be so strong!

All power to you. You're one of a kind.

I just hope you aren't lying to yourself Rol, because we all do that form time to time when we want something so bad, but in the end the lie is what prevents us getting what we want.

I don't mean this to sound as glib as it might but the best advice I can give anyone about how to get their ex back is really don't lose them to begin with...

And if you have lost them, well, then by golly--- learn, learn, learn, and learn some more about you, about people, about relationships and how they work especially from people who have been successful at it, so that next time...

You correct what went wrong instead of lose them...

And wind up back here again asking: HOW DO I GET MY EX BACK??

<<And if you have lost them, well, then by golly--- learn, learn, learn, and learn some more about you, about people, about relationships and how they work especially from people who have been successful at it, so that next time... >>

I have learned learned learned and am learning learning learning.
And I don't believe it is my fault that someone needs to find his identity again!! That is NOT my problem!!

But I think if true love is just that, then why run away from it!!

I feel as though I am coming to a point where my heart is telling me that establishing some sort of contact is "just the right thing to do", not as an act of love or friendship. I need to think about this more.

I will write more later on my feelings about all this..

It does take a while, and believe me I am further down the line and I still have bad days. I think you go through periods of thinking you are over the person but you are not. Each situation is different. I think people feel that they have to stress to you that trying to be friends with your ex might be going down the wrong road, they are only trying to protect you : ) Everyone finds no contact difficult at the beginning but contact can be difficult too. It is hard because you get stuck in the middle and think well which way should I go. You really have to assess things yourself, of course we don't know your ex.

and i dont believe it is my fault that someone needs to find his identity again!!!! that is NOT my problem !!!!!

Here is the key to unlocking some of it for you Rol. This really is partially YOUR problem since it did end YOUR relationship. See, if one is not happy, then its not really possible for the other to be entirely happy -- otherwise where is the connection, the compassion? Its okay to identify who's problem is who's, certainly. But you are sharing in the relationship and its an outright lie to say this is a good relationship when it isn't working for one of the participants. And it is very very rare that one person alone is contributing to a relatinoship problem. You might be asking yourself how did you contribute to this situtation? When did it start? How did it resolve? What specifically did I do to help or hinder it? Why did I get the outcome I did? If you don't ask those questions and get their answers, its just so incredibly likely you'll repeat this all again.

You can push it all off on the other person if you want but that says to me you two weren't sharing very much in the relationship. There was a you and a him but not much WE. See codependency is too much WE, independency is not enough WE and healthy relationships are a co-authored and co-enjoyed interdependency. You make a lot of noise about being such an independent type so maybe start looking there?

Some independent people tend to be like teflon and it makes it hard to connect with them. Maybe he was desperate to make more of a connection with you. Maybe he asked you to marry him hoping it would alter the relationship and when it didn't, he bailed. Not good maneruvers, I grant you, but I sense there was far more off track long before then that you two weren't asknowledging or talking about in a clear, upfront manner. This was no sudden thing -- it simply never is with anyone, in any relationship, short of a mental illness suddenly manifesting.

If you don't want to look, that's okay. In your own time or never -- its your choice. But forgive me, I cannot hide that I recognise what it means when I hear language that says "its not me, it can't be" a little too eagerly.

<<This really is partially YOUR problem since did end YOUR relationship>>

OK I agree its partially my problem but that's about all I agree with in what you wrote!!

<<You can push it all off on the other person if you want but that says to me you
Weren't sharing very much in the relationship by being too independent. There was
A you and a him but not much WE.>>

Exactly the opposite in fact, there was too much we!!

<<Some independent people tend to be like teflon and it makes it hard to connect.
Maybe he was desperate to make a connection with you. Maybe he asked you to
Marry him hoping it would alter the relationship and when it didn't, he bailed.
Not good maneruvers, I grant you, but I sense there was far more off track long
Before then that you two weren't asknowledging or talking about in a clear,
Upfront manner. This was no sudden thing -- it simply never is with anyone,
In any relationship, short of a mental illness suddenly manifesting.>>

NOT at all!! OK I'm going to give you some of the history as it seems you don't really understand me at all and are assuming too many things.And I think you have it in your head that I am the kind that was trying to get him to marry me by flouncing around with other guys and exes. NOT AT ALL!!

OK when we met I was extremely independent and he was also, I had a lot of friends, people calling me all the time, doing many many things.
So we met , and after 8 months he moved to my town to live with me... So what did he get.. he got my life, my friends, my place, my life.
He forgot about himself and fell passionately for me.
Also the time we broke he had just got a promotion to director.

Here is some of the chat that I kept when we first broke.. for your reading... maybe it can help you understand.

I didn't think you would agree with what I wrote Rol but that's okay. I need to say that I am uncomfortable with reading through someone else's chat or email, as I had said on other occasions here. It hits me as an invasion of privacy since we don't have his permission for this. Sorry but I only read your response and not the chat. If you can't explain this in your own words then perhaps we won't be able to correct any of my misunderstanding that you think is occurring. But let me at least say this from having read quite a bit of your own words so far. Even if the problems were largely because you attracted a codependent, or helped create one while being in a relationship with you--it is still your problem that you attracted/helped create a codependent. Everyone has a part in it, large or small, everyone.

The two most inaccurate and unproductive positions to take in any relationship are:
1. Its all my fault (plays the helpless card)
2. Its none of my fault (plays the victim card)

OK that's fine, I deleted it again anyhow.

< Even if the problems were largely because you attracted a codependent, or helped create one while being in a relationship with you>

OK that's a good point to think about, thanks... 'how did I help create a codependent?'as I guess this is essentially what he became..

Well I always encouraged him to do things with his friends, go out and do activities... but he did not... hes the kind that is very happy just to stay at home and work out theorems or things like that. So I thought that was just him and then I left it at that and I stopped asking how come you don't see your friends... and maybe I became a bit more dependent on him as he was always around and I did feel sick whenever he would be take a plane or something (this is something for me to think about , but was I supposed to force him out with his friends or to do stuff?? I think this needed to come from him)

A thing he said the last time we talked was that when he is in a relationship he can only focus on the other person and not on himself and he did not realise that people should be independent also within relationships.
He insisted I am not the problem and I did everything perfect.

And thanks for your help Val I do appreciate it a lot.

Actually what I need is probably just to write out a big letter to express my thoughts , just for myself.

Who is Mrs Miyagi?? I must check her out on Google.

< Even if the problems were largely because you attracted a codependent, or helped create one while being in a relationship with you>

ok thats a good point to think about, thanks...'how did i help create a codependent?'as i guess this is essentially what he became..

well i always encouraged him to do things with his friends, go out and do activities...but he did not....hes the kind that is very happy just to stay at home and work out theorems or things like that. So i thought that was just him and then i left it at that and i stopped asking how come you dont see ur friends....and maybe i became a bit more dependent on him as he was always around and i did feel sick whenever he would be take a plane or something (this is something for me to think about , but was i supposed to force him out with his friends or to do stuff???I think this needed to come from him)

a thing he said the last time we talked was that when he is in a relationship he can only focus on the other person and not on himself and he did not realise that people should be independent also within relationships.
he insisted i am not the problem and i did everything perfect.
Okay, I have a concern now about how far you want me to go in helping to reveal to you some things that may have been a factor. While there are some things I could say concerning this post of yours, it is very much not my habit to yank someone's covers prematurely or help them crash their denial system without a clear message from them that THAT is what they are ready and here for. People lie to themselves all the time (and I do this too, in case you are wondering) because they are simply not ready for the truth. I can talk pretty plainly about a lot of stuff but should it ultimately hurt someone instead of help them, I would feel genuinely bad about that. So I am asking now... where are you in this Rol? How far am I to go?

Added in after reading Post #102, okay I am hearing you say in that post "enough for now" so I will leave you here until you say more, okay?

and thanks for your help Val i do appreciate it alot.

Actually what i need is probably just to write out a big letter to express my thoughts , jsut for myself.

who is Mrs Miyagi??? i must check her out on google.
Mrs Miyagi is a joke started between Geoff and me. It refers to Mister Miyagi who was the wise and kind eastern man who played the main role in Karate Kid. His method of teaching is very similar to mine in some ways, I would like to think? I was sincerely flattered when Geoff seemed to think so too. What we did in our exchange was very fun for both of us.

Here is that thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/made-huge-mistake-now-talk-47487.html

<<without a clear message from them that THAT is what they are ready and here for>>

OK I'm ready.Go on.

<<without a clear message from them that THAT is what they are ready and here for>>

ok im ready.Go on.
Dear Rol,
I take this answer here as temporary official yes but I would like to sidetrack for just a moment and point out something you did just now that makes for difficulties with people. You are giving what is called a "mixed message" and here is the mix.

This message here has a kind of "I've had enough for now" tone in it I would like you to look at and see. "Actually what i need is probably just to write out a big letter to express my thoughts , jsut for myself."

Because I care about you, I would not care to ignore that. If this gets too intense or too fast for you, it will not be profitable for you.

So first you say um, that's enough...

And then you say, okay more!

So now I ask you to state plainly which it really is and please know this -- very important! If you need to slow it down, I will slow it down always. If you need to stop, I will stop. It is only you asking questions that is making this go, okay?

Love,
Mrs. Miyagi

No I wrote that post about thanks for you help as I meant that.
Then you added the extra post and I added the next one with go ahead . Then I saw the remark you made in your other post.

So yes go ahead...

If I may stick my two cents in, and I was going to stay out of this thread and let you go ahead on your own. You seem to have made up your mind about renewing, albeit a small reconnection with your ex, as a gesture of friendship. Everything you have written here and in your other threads indicates you do have your own way of doing things and being friends with your ex has been so normal. My concern especially reading the last few pages of this thread, is he may not be as mature as you nor as independent, and contacting him when he is in a new relationship would not be a good idea under these circumstances. You may feel ready, but what if he is not? I would hate to have you go into this headstrong, and mind made up, and not consider his feelings, or circumstances. You were hurt when he left, but he was lost. You have to factor things like that into your decision to be friends with an ex. Is he ready?

Dear Rol,

< Even if the problems were largely because you attracted a codependent, or helped create one while being in a relationship with you>
ok thats a good point to think about, thanks...'how did i help create a codependent?' as i guess this is essentially what he became.. well i always encouraged him to do things with his friends, go out and do activities...but he did not....hes the kind that is very happy just to stay at home and work out theorems or things like that. So i thought that was just him and then i left it at that and i stopped asking how come you dont see ur friends....
You have listed here only arguments that you did NOT help in creating a codependent. This means you did not give the question enough thought to properly answer it and instead lauched an immediate defense that supports the opposite. I would be willing to bet this habit right here -- your lack of consideration of the question and your quickness to defend yourself at any expense, your need to be seen as perfect even -- was a common occurrence in this relationship. To its detriment too.


and maybe i became a bit more dependent on him as he was always around and i did feel sick whenever he would be take a plane or something (this is something for me to think about , but was i supposed to force him out with his friends or to do stuff???I think this needed to come from him)
Ah, now we are getting into some reasons, and it turns out you maybe played a bit of a codependent part too, it seems... doesn't it? It's a dead give away when you have separation anxiety over a loved one taking an ordinary trip. You need to be as honest about more things like you have there -- very very good clue, that was!


a thing he said the last time we talked was that when he is in a relationship he can only focus on the other person and not on himself and he did not realise that people should be independent also within relationships.
he insisted i am not the problem and i did everything perfect.
I have sensed almost from the beginning of meeting you here Rol, that you need to hear you are perfect. Only you can confirm if this is valid. But I can tell you a lot more about why that is so very very bad for you and what to do about it... if you would like to explore it further. It won't hurt, I promise (in fact it will end the pain by getting at its source even). Its up to you.

Love,
Mrs Miyagi

You may feel ready, but what if he is not? I would hate to have you go into this headstrong, and mind made up, and not consider his feelings, or circumstances. You were hurt when he left, but he was lost. You have to factor things like that into your decision to be friends with an ex. Is he ready?

This is a good point actually rol. You make it clear that you are ready for friendship but without sounding a bit parrot like, I think tal has made very good point. He may not be ready and you cannot assume that he is. Of course you know him better than I or anyone else perceive him to be from the information you have given but what he is thinking or feeling at this time may be different to how you would think he would be (if I make sense)

Daniel-San

<<You have listed here only arguments that you did NOT help in creating a codependent. This means you did not give the question
Enough thought to properly answer it and instead lauched an immediate defense
That supports the opposite>>

Well I began with those factors and then added how I also got codependent.

<<your lack of consideration of the question and your quickness to defend yourself
At any expense, your need to be seen as perfect
Even -- was a common occurrence in this relationship>>

OK ill think about that. I'm not sure if we had this problem in our relationship, but perhaps a problem with friends sometimes yes.
But don't most people like to defend themselves?

<<Ah, now we are getting into some reasons, and it turns out you maybe played
A bit of a codependent part too, it seems... doesn't it? It's a dead give away
When you have separation anxiety over a loved one taking an ordinary trip.
You need to be as honest about more things like you have there -- very very good
Clue, that was!
>>

Yes I totally agree... I have a bad separation anxiety. I guess this is partly due to losing my father when I was 12. I agree with you totally here and maybe he also sensed this over time. OK this is something for me to work on... but how?
How can you get over a bad separation anxiety ?(its not from missing them or not able to be alone but actually thinking they could die while taking a plane or those kind of thoughts?)

<<I have sensed almost from the beginning of meeting you here Rol, that you need to hear you are perfect. Only you can confirm if this is valid. >>
No I don't think that's valid.. Im just an ordinary girl and definitely done need to hear that I'm perfect! As I'm not!!

On psot 53 I already raised this issue and wondered if living apart was in fact not a solution for me

<<Well I don't think I ever want to have that adicted feeling again, I remember how I would feel sick if he had to take a plane or something and how we would miss each other so much after a few days away.So now I am not so sure if I ever want to live with someone again... How to people really manage to keep their own lives in a relationship while living together? >>

on psot 53 i already raised this issue and wondered if living apart was in fact not a solution for me

<<Well i dont think i ever want to have that adicted feeling again, i remember how i would feel sick if he had to take a plane or something and how we would miss each other so much after a few days away.So now i am not so sure if i ever want to live with someone again.....How to people really manage to keep their own lives in a relationship while living together? >>
You remind me of myself here Rol. LOL The best way to hide from yourself that you are codependent is to only get into relationships with people who are more codependent than you are! It's a brilliant strategy for maintaining the self illusion but it keeps you very stuck in the problem at the same time. So do you really want to know "How do people really manage to keep their own lives in a relationship while living together?" I can see that you aren't there, and I think you do too. I must warn you that to get where they are, you will need to do some work. The work is very doable (many many people have done it, so can you!) though so have no fear of failure in this one. Are you willing? Deal or no deal?

Yes of course I'm willing..

<<many many people have done it, so can you>>

Did you do it ? It must have worked wonders if you did as I cannot imagine for one second from your writing that you are they type to be codependent!! Or is it that people who appear to be strong are in fact the opposite?

<<many many people have done it, so can you>>

Did u do it ? it must have worked wonders if you did as i cannot imagine for one second from ur writing that you are they type to be codependent!!!!!!!!!!!! or is it that people who appear to be strong are in fact the opposite?
Oh my my Rol! Just as there are all kinds of alcoholics, there are all kinds of codependents and for a variety of reasons too. Buy the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Now let me tell you the first thing you'll do LOL is to ramble around in the book looking for signs and sgnals that say either you aren't codependent or you aren't that bad. After that, start reading it from page one, okay? :p

If you do this and end up with questions, you can author a thead here on it and we can discuss it, if you like. And if that book doesn't click with you and you get jammed, I have others that aren't quite such a big step we can try -- but I think you can handle this.

And if you need to know specifics about me, I have recovered (with a lot of help) and am still recovering from a very dysfunctional family, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), alcoholism, and codependency and worked in the recovery field for the past twleve years after I was burnt out as a commercial graphic designer. I try to make it a habit to talk out of my own experiences of the world or to site books I have read when its only that sort of information.

<<Buy the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie>>

Im going to buy it, thanks a million, I never thought of buying books on the subject. Thanks for your help.
You have done very well to face your problems , I hope I can do the same.

This books sounds interesting

Dear Rol,

Don't know how I missed 2 take part in this thread... been peeping on this site from time 2 time... I guess I am just doing fine... and rely on less support although I feel compeled and indeed interested to contribute to the various posts especially for cases like yours where one who has been doing so well.

I read your first post and some of the answers that followed... you have been doing great until now.. keep your chin up.. do not be distracted by hidden emotions.. I reckon if you really loved someone and gave him your best... I think it is for good and it is hard to forget and place this book of your life on the shelf of history... be assured that the book still exists and can be retrieved at anytime... how and when does it really matter.. the most important thing is that it exists.

So why don't you in the meantime try to write something happier and fun.. I myself in the back of my head I hope I will receive an unexpected message at christmas or new year.. But if it doesn't happen.. I still have to write the next chapters of my life and I need inspiration for that... so go out, meet new people and enjoy yourself... hope you'll get the best of this festive season

My other thread has disappeared so ill add some updates here instead on the original one.
PLEASE IGNORE THE TITLE! It is funny how you can change in 4 months...

So he called and we talked for a few minutes, just some how are yous etc and a question he had to ask(more of an excuse for contact) , at the end I said I've got to go now bye and he said maybe if you want we can meet for a coffee when I'm back. I said OK , bye

Im ready to face him and talk if he brings it up(which he should after ignoring the issue for so many months)

Anyhow I'm back in a good place, i.e uncertainty and not sure if he is even the guy for me anymore.

Will wait for him to contact about the coffee.

Meanwhile single life is great, have met lots of new friends and I've rebuilt a full life again, and I'm very happy alone.

It's good you ended the call first. Take control.

You know - YOU might think this is a game, but... you should make plans for coffee and then break them at the last minute. Kind of show the un-importance to him - show him he doesn't have you - which I think was part of the problem.

People Want What They Can't Have.

When you completely surrender to them - the games over. Even when you are about to get married it helps to have that sense that thye could slip away.

He keeps stringing you along.

Rol,

Good to hear you are in a happy place and I have really enjoyed seeing your progress. IT has been good because you are such a great girl.

Do you really need to see him? Do you need to discuss the issues that he ran from early on? Will it change anything?

Im not saying to run from him because it might hurt you. Not at all. If you want to go and have a coffee with him then id say do what you want to do.

But I just want you to weigh it up and ask yourself if there is any real need. Sure it is nice to know that each party doesn't harbour any ill feelings but I think that has been established already.

Anyway, you have done great so far and I'm sure whatever you do it will turn out for the best but I just want you to make sure you think about it before you act.

I don't want to see that happy place that your in turned on its head because of some unforeseen circumstances that may arise. And I'm only going on my experiences in doing exactly what your doing now too.

Hi and thanks a lot for the comments.

I don't thinks he's stringing me along.. well I guess in the way that he wants to be alone but does not seem to want me gone either.

But I cannot blame him for wanting to be alone either. Everyone needs to put themselves first.

I don't think ill bring up the past. I don't really feel like rehashing all that again. I may just tell him that I admire he had the courage to do what he did and that he was right.

And I'm taking this into account Skell... "I dont want to see that happy place that your in turned on its head because of some unforeseen circumstances that may arise. And i'm only going on my experiences in doing exactly what your doing now too." In many ways your breakup and mine were very similar and the place we are both at now is similar also, and stronger because of it.

Ill let ye know how it goes.

Hi Rol,

I wouldn't mention anything about the past. I don't think I would say that I admire him about anything. It might not be a wise thing to do. You are saying to him it was OK to treat you the way he did. He did things in a cowardly fashion, leaving you to cancel everything. Your ex is similar to mine in some ways, burying his head in the sand. What he did was out of order, don't forget that. You have come so far, and you deserve a lot better than him. I wish he wasn't so stupid in realising that :)

But i cannot blame him for wanting to be alone either. Everyone needs to put themselves first.


For me, love is about putting another person first but then you must not neglect your own needs too.

That will be great to get to that point Geoff!

That will be great to get to that point Geoff!

That is what real love is.

Putting the other person before yourself. That is how all love should be and always unconditional.

<<Putting the other person before yourself. That is how all love should be and always unconditional.
>>

Well not sure I totally agree with that (for once Geoff:).. That is what he did during our relationship and it did not work,
I think one should always know how to be happy without the other and that sometimes involves putting yourself first.

<<Putting the other person before yourself. That is how all love should be and always unconditional.
>>

Well not sure i totally agree with that (for once Geoff:)..That is what he did during our relationship and it did not work,
I think one should always know how to be happy without the other and that sometimes involves putting yourself first.

I see your point rol. That is what my ex did, she put herself first by leaving me and exploring the single life. I am comfortable with being single but I believed in what we had and I think if I were honest, I put her before me too much and I have learned a lesson from that. But, she would have left at some point anyway, no matter how I played it.

I'm so glad I have such greater insight into this kind of thing and in a lot of ways, I would not have grown in this way had she not had walked.

Perhaps the time your ex has had alone has given him the opportunity to rethink things but I would go into that meeting with an open mind and avoid bringing up the past. It is important that he sees that you are healthy and well and comfortable with being single.

Exactly Geoff we have learned major lessons because of all of this, the most important for me is to always keep my own life and separate friends, and make sure the other does the same. It's a pity because at the beginning this was how it was but then my male friends became his and he got my life grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Yeah I'm not expecting anything at all.

When we talked in October he did say he wants me to rebuild my own life, so that is exactly what I've been doing, and its great , I've new friends and doing many many things.

Even if he did say he made a mistake and wants to get back together I would tell him No, that I need more time.

exactly Geoff we have learned major lessons because of all of this, the most important for me is to always keep my own life and seperate friends, and make sure the other does the same. Its a pity because at the beginning this was how it was but then my male friends became his and he got my life Grrrrrrrrrr

That is kind of like what happened to me and my ex. She disliked me having friends and got angry if I spent time with them and not her. So I spent more time with her, lost those friends and then she blamed me for losing her friends and her single life when I even told her she should go out and have a good time alone with them but because she chose to spend more time with me, she lost her friends.

I think this is commonplace that in relationships, quite often we get lost and well, lose ourselves in each other. Yet I have learned a huge lesson not to let that happen ever again and rol and many others here have learned this too. A breakup can be a blessing in disguise and open up new ways of thinking and behaving.

yeah im not expecting anything at all.

When we talked in October he did say he wants me to rebuild my own life, so that is exactly what ive been doing, and its great , ive new friends and doing many many things.

Even if he did say he made a mistake and wants to get back together i would tell him No, that i need more time.


You are an inspiration to many here rol...

I am all choked up watching the kids grow up right in front of me, and no offense I feel like a proud old man (choking)

Yeah Rol our break ups were pretty similar which is what makes me so proud of you to see how you have turned the corner and been so great lately. As I'm sure it does everyone else here it makes me feel happy to think that you are getting on with things and in such a better place.

It also means I worry and would hate to see your progress halted.

As I said you will do what best and because of the person you are it will all work out great no matter what I'm sure. I just know what these coffees / meetings with ex's can be like from my own personal experience. I thought I was OK and ready too but when it came to the crunch I wasn't. We had a great time one sunny Saturday morning and for that hour or so it was like I had my best friend and love back in my life again only to have her taken away so cruelly again. Silly I know but we had such a great time and laughed like old times. But then when it was time to say goodbye she walked out of my life again and I felt so alone. That feeling of loneliness that hadn't felt for so long. That was a while ago now and I wasn't at the place I am now but it still is a regret I have as far as it wasn't in my best interests.

But each person and case is different and only you know yourself and what is best for you.

Oh I didn't realsie you also did that coffee thing Skell. I meant to ask you that before...

Well from May to October we were doing that drinks thing(about 10 times in total) so I guess I have experience there.
Anyhow ill see what happens here.
Thanks a million for your help and I appreciate it a lot

Aww Tal;-)

I thought id add an update.
Mostly about myself and how I am doing ;-)
These last few months I've been really focused on making my life better. I concentrated on my personal goals and worked very hard to achieve them. Ive just being informed that I am getting a promotion at work, so I'm very happy about that! I'm meeting lots of new people and having fun.

Update about the other situation... yes there is some but the other news is more important to share first :)

Well done rol...

You are an inspiration and shine like a new penny.

Ha ha I wish ;-) thanks!
Oh and happy belated birthday Geoff:) I remember you mentioned it on a thread last week ;-)

So the other situation.

Well he sent an email when he got back and we sent a few 'light and happy' emails over and back since then but no mention of the drink.

Anyhow perhaps its better like that.
Plus the anniversary of the breakup is coming up in a few weeks so I don't feel like meeting him around that time.

Anyhow I'm happy and positive , even though its Friday the 13th ;-)
And I was invited to 3 parties tonight so single life is going OK and I do see how being positive attracts people around :-)

[QUOTE=Wildcat21He may come back - but you can't convince anyone to come back. He also doesn't deserve any of your attention what so ever right now.

People want what they can't have - I am wondering if you both were just way too available to each other?

" Guess alot of people think love is just about those sparks and dont really realise that love is really what there is when those sparks are gone." - Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh - could you please go back in time and explain that to about 5 certain women????? PLEASE!!! That is so true! Sparks are just the beginning.

Yes -we ALL are still learning.[/QUOTE]

Great insight... very helpful. I must say.. we strive to get what is sometimes not easily available and once we have it.. we take it for granted.. don't we? And that is where the crux of the problem lies... thnks for this lovely answer wildcat.

Great insight...very helpful. I must say..we strive to get what is sometimes not easily available and once we have it..we take it for granted..don't we? and that is where the crux of the problem lies...thnks for this lovely answer wildcat.


I think many people in general take a lot for granted in this world. We forget the things that are precious to us, like our health, our family, our friends, the power to see and be seen, our beliefs and so on... We (not all) usually want more than we really need and fail to appreciate what we already have.

Thought I might add an update on this situation.

So he sent an email about meeting , then he left on vacation,
When he got back he sent an email which I didn't reply to as I was thinking which day would suit me so he rang that night and we had an easy going converation and he asked if I wanted to meet this week, so I said ill check which day and get back to you, maybe Friday so he said any day is fine this week.

So we met for a drink at a bar,I was 45 minutes late , terrible...

Anyhow I arrived and he waved over at me, so I went over and apologized for being late and said bigg traffic jam and laughed(he knows I'm always late anyhow)

So then sat down and tried to relax He did not look very well, looked very tired.
So talked about my life, his life , work, family, he told me 3 of his aunts died recently so he went back to see his mother last week as she was feeling bad, he has some debt as his new place cost more then he thought it would to renovate,his job is going OK but they might need to relocate,he has some health problems, generally he was not very happy...

So I was my positive self , and just acted like it was an old friend. I didn't get too much into his problems as I figured they are his problems and I am not his girlfriend so I should not get involved.

At 10 he said he would leave now as he was tired as he woke up at 5 due to his insomnia.
So I said OK bye then and we did the 2 kisses on cheek, so he said that he might go out tomorrow with a friend if I want to come. I said maybe, ill see.

Rol,

Wow. How did you really feel, truly feel. While there you probably had your internal defenses up, meaning trying best not to allow too much feeling to seep in. But how do you feel about it now.

Boy, he sure does seem broken down now.

When reading, I was thinking, see, that's what life without Rol is, not too pleasant.

Good luck with that, I don't think any advise can be given?

Is that situation bad or good rol?

Yeah broken down completely...

Its amazing because when he met me and when I was in his life he always told me how everything went so great and that I was like his lucky charm,how he got what he wanted and his life greatly improved .Now that I am gone it has disintegrated, he has disintegrated. Is this karma... it was kind of sad to see.

I just told him to think in the positive and all will be fine for you, we used to always say that to each other.

Well he didn't get back to me yesterday about meeting , anyhow its not good for me to see him to soon again.

That was quite emotional seeing him after 6 months and I'm sure he felt the same.

Im trying to think what is best for me at this stage.

Meanwhile "my" life is great, have lots of new friends , have met some nice new male friends.. im filling my "void" by doing lots of new hobbies and smiling.

Rol, you are on a healthy path. And it is sad about your ex, very sad. But that's his sadness either based on his choices or the cards being dealt.

************************************************** ***

So above represents the line to draw and you just be sure you keep on the healthy side.
Boy you are one bright girl and your ***smile*** is just beaming through.

You have handled all of this so well and that is why you are able to smile and move on. You did it in a healthy way. I still think back to the days where your pain was still so fresh and there you were going from thread to thread helping others. :).

Um, you have not called him about the meeting... not that he hasn't called you. Right :)

So glad to hear about your new friends. I just love it.

Good for you Rol!

Aww thanks allheart, you are such a lovely sweet person:-) I wish you great things, I'm sure you already have them:)

Yeah I'm getting on with my life... ill smile when I hear from him and he can see how great I'm doing without him. . Im growing and learning and lets see what the universe brings

Hi Rol,

Similar situations, you and I both saw our exes after 6 months. Plus, the way you described him to be, was the way mine was too. I think they both have problems that we cannot fix, it's up to them to sort out their own lives.

Stay strong
Xx

OK I'm feeling pretty bad now, met with ex to discuss the house we own together,I am going to buy him out and he proceed to tell me he was with someone new since November! One month after our proper breakup and better still I know her as she was a friend of his and she works in my company!!
Lovely... Skell will know how I feel here...

This is long...

So met and talked etc etc... then I said lets talk business so talked about house etc, then talked another while..

Then he said I'm with someone now.. and he told me who it was.. I said oh right she gave me a strange look in the canteen and I thought something was up..

So then we had silence for a while and he changed the subject..

So then after a while I said so how long have you been with her then, and he said since November and I said boy that's a long time to spend alone , 1 month!! then I got very be itchy...

So you jumped on the first girl you came across... no he says.. ok I said, tell her not to give me strange looks anymore, I'm fine alone,
So he said nothing changed he's not living with her and he's happy like that.
I said welll good luck to her then.
Then we talked a bit about the breakup and I said why did you just not tellme it was over from the beginning, and he said he thought he just wanted a break but then he saw he was happy alone.

Then his phone message beeped and I said its OK he's leaving now.
So he said you are sarcastic, I said I am not.he said he wanted to tell me himself , I said OK that was nice thanks.

Then I finished my wine and we went to go so walked to my car and said goodbye.. and he said thanks for being so understnading about the house , I said yeah I'm very understanding.

Then I came home ,feel like crap now... what an...

How can someone be so f stupid!!

What's done is done! Pick yourself up, things can only get better. Head up! Go workout or take up hitting large hunky men - kick boxing :P

Hi Rol,

How awful, we really didn't see this one coming. The fact that he emailed you now and again, and he looked so tired on your first meeting.

I guess you can only really take from this, that he wasn't the guy you thought he was. It would never work out if you were ever to get together again anyway, the guy doesn't know where he is going with his life, like my ex. They are both around the same age our exes, I really don't think they will realise until they are about 40 what they want.

In a way, I am fortunate that I wasn't engaged or anything. He really drew everything out though, that's what annoys me, I mean it has taken over a year before the house etc was sorted out.

This whole situation has made me think again, try not to analyse, please keep busy and keep well : )x

ok im feeling pretty bad now, met with ex to discuss the house we own together,i am going to buy him out and he proceed to tell me he was with somone new since November!! one month after our proper breakup and better still i know her as she was a friend of his and she works in my company!!!
lovely...Skell will know how i feel here...

this is long...

so met and talked etc etc...then i said lets talk business so talked about house etc, then talked another while..

then he said im with someone now..and he told me who it was..i said oh right she gave me a strange look in the canteen and i thought somthing was up..

so then we had silence for a while and he changed the subject..

so then after a while i said so how long have u been with her then, and he said since november and i said boy thats a long time to spend alone , 1 month!!!then i got very b itchy...

so u jumped on the first girl u came across...no he says..ok i said, tell her not to give me strange looks anymore, im fine alone,
so he said nothing changed hes not living with her and hes happy like that.
i said welll good luck to her then.
then we talked a bit about the breakup and i said why did u just not tellme it was over from the beginning, and he said he thought he jsut wanted a break but then he saw he was happy alone.

then his phone msg beeped and i said its ok hes leaving now.
so he said u are sarcastic, i said i am not.he said he wanted to tell me himself , i said ok that was nice thanks.

then i finished my wine and we went to go so walked to my car and said goodbye..and he said thanks for being so understnading about the house , i said yeah im very understanding.

then i came home ,feel like crap now...what an ....

how can someone be so f stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cripes Rol,

I am so sorry, just saw this.

Look - I don't have the words... but I do have a huge hug and lots of sincere heartfelt love for you.

Rol, it is a kick in the teeth and heart, no matter how far you progressed, which is a lot. Everyone would have the same reaction and feelings that you are having.

Rol, you are an awesome girl, AWESOME. So, if you want to have a cry, you go right on and have it. Whatever it is you are feeling, feel it. It all is normal.

Please pop back in when you can. I know you wrote this last week.

It is the shock of it all Rol, not so much the fact that you were hoping for a reconcillation.
But all the emotions are balled up into one right now. There is no law written, there are no rules saying you have to feel any way then what you are feeling now.

My heart is with you. I love you Rol.

We are here for you rol! Just hang in there... Life will get better sometime soon!

Hi all,
Thanks a lot,
I'm fine now again , and in fact I'm starting to find him pathetic that he had to jump onto a new girl right away especially 'that' girl.

Im finding the whole thing a bit weird actually, again he started telling me how hard the breakup was for him.
When we talked about the house I said I appreciate that you did not rush to make a decision about selling it right away , he said well he didn't know what he was doing. That he thought he just needed a break.

So I do think in the beginning he just needed a break and then decided he was happy alone without any commitment.

Also the previous time we met a month a ago he did not mention the girl and asked if I wanted to go out the following night.

I mean... what the f! has he lost it or what?

Weird..

I know it's hard but try not to analyse again. It really kills you, I know. He is really not worth wondering about. I'm afraid he is someone we will never figure out. Try and think of good goals for yourself, Treat yourself to a holiday, maybe even in Scotland : ) xx

Ouch...

Sorry to hear about this rol, you have my deepest sympathy. Then again, you don't really need it, because you are better off without him.

Cut him out of your life for good now rol wherever possible. Let him find out whatever he needs to find out (thats his problem) and just focus on you again.

Hi Rol,

Sorry I didn't see this last week. I seem to be missing lots of threads lately.

Anyway there isn't much we can say to make it better. Its just another bump on the road to recovery. Nothing you can't or won't handle just fine like you have everything else.

Like AH said, Rol you are an amazing person and this will only make you stronger.

As Geoff said, just continue to cut him out of your life as much as you can. Focus on you as much as possible!

It's so hard to cut that person out of your life or is it?. We all know deep down what's best for us and sometimes we just need to let go to focus on the new you. Change is inevitable, it's the only constant :( and sometimes I just hate that.

Change is inevitable, its the only constant :( and sometimes I just hate that.
So true,what never changes in life is -changing!