I am 27 and my boyfriend is 34. We met last New Year’s Eve and have been together since. If you had asked me a month ago, I would have said we had a terrific relationship – loving, fun, fulfilling. I thought we had a great connection in every way. We have similar goals and lifestyles, and I just loved spending time with him. We often said it was the best relationship either of us had every experienced, and we were both talking about spending our lives together.

Over the July 4th weekend he said we wanted to discuss something with me, which was basically that he wanted to take our sex life to the next level. I wasn’t sure what he meant, but was interested to find out. I knew from the beginning that he was much more experienced and open than I was, but I have always considered myself to be loving and adventurous, and I’ve always been open to learn and experience more. We’ve been able to communicate very well, but in this instance he really couldn’t or wouldn't tell me what he wanted. To be clear, I thought we had a great sex life – frequent sex; at times very tender and at times crazy wild; dozens of positions; we’d used role-playing, costumes, toys; lots of different locations – indoors and outdoors. I always felt such a connection with him.

For the last 5 weeks, I’ve tried to figure out what he wants and am becoming increasingly frustrated because nothing seems to be working. Where I felt we had spontaneity before, I now feel like things are forced. Where before it seemed we were mutually initiating sex, it now seems like it’s all on me to initiate things. I have been hoping that it was just a bump in the road, but after 5 weeks I have to wonder what is really happening. I started feeling like the tenderness was missing, so last night I wanted to return to romance. I made him a really nice dinner, opened a great bottle of wine, played some beautiful music, and gave him a sensual massage which led to some very tender lovemaking. I felt so wonderful afterwards and expressed that to him, to which he replied something along the lines that it was nice but I know that he prefers something more adventurous and that he went along with what I wanted. I felt so vulnerable at that moment that it hit me pretty hard. He went to sleep, but I was so upset that I was making myself sick. I didn’t want to wake him so I left him a note that I wasn’t feeling well and went home.

He wants to get together for dinner tonight. I’m leaving for a business trip tomorrow and will be gone for at least a week. I’m frustrated because I’ve tried to talk to him about this and his usual response is along the lines that I will figure it out when I let myself go. I feel like I’m losing my joy of sex. I’ve always been pretty confident in that area and confident in general, but I just don’t know what to do. I asked him if we have just gone as far as we can and maybe he’s losing interest, but he always comes back with a response that I just need to take it to the next level. I don’t know what that means, though. Any comments will be appreciated. Thanks.

I'm sorry, I don't know what this "next level" is either. I hope things get back to normal, but what are you prepared to do if they don't? I say, try to talk to him again about your feelings. Don't hold back. Let him know that it's give and take. Your way, his way, mix it up. But if you're in love, the tender moments should come naturally.

So, wait a sec. He said he wanted to take things to the "next level" but he didn't even say what that was??
Does he know?
I'm sorry, maybe I read it and missed it. Sometimes I do that.
Did I miss it?

Sounds like the level is about as high as it can get. But perhaps he has the desire or need for you to be in control, Some people like to be controlled But you need to talk tohim and ask

I'm sorry. I was trying to be succinct while still being clear. I've asked him many times what he meant by the next level, but he hasn't answered. I've asked specific questions and talked about the things I won't do, for example multiple partners. His answer to that was, while that could be interesting, he would never expect it and he respects my feelings on the subject. I've looked online for answers and talked to friends, but nothing has helped. I'm frustrated because he can't or won't tell me what he means, but just seems to have a general feeling of wanting "more". I didn't go into more specifics, but I've been open to things with him that were new to me... and I'm pretty experienced. I've suggested we try to figure this out together, but he just keeps saying the same old lines - I need to let go and I will figure it out. I've told him how frustrated I am. I've suggested that maybe it's something more than the sex, maybe there's something else about me that he's not satisfied with and he responds that I'm the most amazing woman he's ever known. I've suggested that maybe we need a break from each other, that possibly he's bored, but he says he doesn't want that. I'm just at a loss of where to go from here.

My guess is he is into S&M or multiple partners of some sort and is afraid to tell you. In the meantime he is living with what he gets and being less satisfied as time goes on.

How do we get anywhere if he won't tell me? After more than 7 months, shouldn't he speak up - isn't that just a waste of our time if I'm not what he wants? The part that blows my mind is how well the first 6 months went. As I said, I'm starting to lose my joy of sex and confidence. Part of me wants to go on my business trip and forget all of this while I am gone... and part of me wants to go to dinner tonight and let loose with both barrels. I've tried being supportive and understanding, but I have to say I am extremely frustrated.

IF I am correct at what he calls the next level he may be afraid that if he tells you he will lose you.

And if he doesn't tell me, he will continue to be less than fulfilled. That doesn't make sense to me. He should at least give me an opportunity to tell him what I can and can't live with, and respect me enough to allow me to go on with my life if we are not as compatible as I first thought.

You might consider going to the dinner and telling him that this "next level" of his is about to split you up. If he can't explain it he can't have it.

I would say that it must be something you have said you would not do, or something even he thinks is far out.

Ask him to make a list of what he may like, and see if you can work with any of them.

He's being unreasonable. You aren't a mind reader;there's no way to guess what he wants, although I think NoHelp4u has made a good guess, that it's something he isn't ready to say out loud. He may not even be able to admit to himself for all we know.

It's not just that he's not getting what he wants, but that he's sabotaging yourself confidence and joy. He's undermining You and the relationship, with virtually no possibility of getting what he wants. That in itself is a red flag. I would give this relationship a hard look.

I want to thank everyone for their input. You've given me some things to think about and a starting point for further discussion. I told him I'd meet him at his place for dinner tonight as I didn't want to discuss this in a restaurant. I told him that I'm looking for answers, and asked him to think about what he wants and to please be completely honest with me. I asked him to trust me that I will listen to what he has to say and discuss it with him.

I didn't want to give up on what was previously a good relationship, but I am willing to do that before I am willing to continue with the way it is now. Thanks again. I feel like I'm ready to really dive into this, no matter what the outcome may be.

Let us know how it turns out.

Just a suggestion - if he wants to take your sexual relationship to the next level - why don't you suggest Tantric sex?

This is really taking to to the ultimate level because it combines the physical, emotional and spiritual - it's not so much about positions - it's about connection at the deepest and most challenging level.

I suspect he may mean something totally different when he talks about taking your sexual relationship to the next level, but you could get in first with this suggestion.

Good luck with tonight.

Gemini - I've been reading this board for over a month now and always appreciate your thoughtful answers. We have practiced Tantric sex, even went to a weekend retreat a few months ago to learn more. He is very much into the emotional and spiritual aspects of a relationship. He really has a brilliant mind, which is what I have always been most attracted to - along with his wit. I think he does mean something entirely different, but I just can't imagine what as I feel we've had a pretty interesting relationship. I'm just trying to stay calm until I get an answer... but I plan to get an answer somehow. I'm on my way over there now. Thanks.

Maybe that is what he means then maybe he just isn't feeling the spiritual aspect as much as he would like.

You do need answers before you can do anything.

It wasn't easy but I got my answers. He basically said that I am the closest he's ever met to his dream woman, but there are two issues. The first is religion. While he claims to feel connected to me on a deep spiritual level, he has a problem that we are different religions. I'm not so sure I buy this as we discussed this in depth when we met. He is Jewish and I am a non-denominational Christian. He was brought up by a Catholic father and a Jewish mother, who had issues with their families over the religious difference but make it work as a couple. He claims that while he didn't think it was an issue at first he has been concerned lately.

The second issue is the sexual issue. NOhelp4u had that one pegged pretty well. He referred to the sex we have as mind-blowing, but said that sometimes he needs something more than that. It was difficult but what he finally admitted was that he wants to do things that are dangerous, degrading, or vile. One example is auto-erotic asphyxia, but it was all pretty extreme. I was a little upset because we had discussed this type of thing early on and he knew how I felt. He led me to believe he felt the same way. His “explanation” was that he thought maybe he would be satisfied without it but finds he needs it as a part of his sex life.

I told him I couldn't accept that and we decided to part ways. In the 20 minutes it took to drive home, he left a voicemail, 2 texts, and an e-mail all saying that he doesn't want to lose me and he wants to work together to figure things out. I'm not interested in working things out. I feel deceived, and I've lost my trust in him. I would rather walk away from this while I can still hold my head up and still remember that there were some great parts of the relationship. I am so glad that I'm going out of town tomorrow. I think the change of environment will be good for me. Thanks again to those of you who responded to my posts. Now, I just need to find a way to calm down and get a good night's rest so I can start fresh tomorrow.

Yes you were deceived because he should have told you he had issues in these two areas to begin with.

He should realize that his parents were two different faiths and their marriage worked out.

He should be more open to working things out as far as religion or he should only be pursuing Jewish girls only.

They are saying David Carradines death was due to auto-erotic asphyxia

Wikapedia says 117 deaths have been caused by auto-erotic asphyxia and who knows how limited their study covers

You made the right choice to get out.

Yes, that is why, although hard, one needs to have talks about sexual desires and needs early into a relationship.

It can be hard, image dating a preacher and talking about sexual desires.

Sorry I'm late. But I read everything.

Yes, he was decieving you.
I know it was hard, but I respect your decision to leave him. You say you have talked with him about it. If he lied about it for seven months, imagine what else, possibly worse, he could have been lying about the whole time.

Unfortunately, you two aren't a match. Don't give up though, there must be someone out there for you.

Good luck! :)

Yep. You are making the right choice and I agree it's fortunate you are going out of town. I really admire your resolve and self possession. I hope you find someone who is your equal when you are ready.

It wasn’t easy but I got my answers. He basically said that I am the closest he’s ever met to his dream woman, but there are two issues. The first is religion. While he claims to feel connected to me on a deep spiritual level, he has a problem that we are different religions. I’m not so sure I buy this as we discussed this in depth when we met. He is Jewish and I am a non-denominational Christian. He was brought up by a Catholic father and a Jewish mother, who had issues with their families over the religious difference but make it work as a couple. He claims that while he didn’t think it was an issue at first he has been concerned lately.

The second issue is the sexual issue. NOhelp4u had that one pegged pretty well. He referred to the sex we have as mind-blowing, but said that sometimes he needs something more than that. It was difficult but what he finally admitted was that he wants to do things that are dangerous, degrading, or vile. One example is auto-erotic asphyxia, but it was all pretty extreme. I was a little upset because we had discussed this type of thing early on and he knew how I felt. He led me to believe he felt the same way. His “explanation” was that he thought maybe he would be satisfied without it but finds he needs it as a part of his sex life.

I told him I couldn’t accept that and we decided to part ways. In the 20 minutes it took to drive home, he left a voicemail, 2 texts, and an e-mail all saying that he doesn’t want to lose me and he wants to work together to figure things out. I’m not interested in working things out. I feel deceived, and I’ve lost my trust in him. I would rather walk away from this while I can still hold my head up and still remember that there were some great parts of the relationship. I am so glad that I’m going out of town tomorrow. I think the change of environment will be good for me. Thanks again to those of you who responded to my posts. Now, I just need to find a way to calm down and get a good night’s rest so I can start fresh tomorrow.

I'm SO sorry that it turned out like this! You must be feeling awful.

I have to say though that the religion thing as the deal breaker really puzzles me - he says that he's spiritually connected to you, but can't accept that you're a different religion and he nevertheless wants to practice dangerous sexual acts?

In my mind, one's religious and sexual practices are a choice. They are not us. To believe that they control us means that we are incapable of taking responsibility for our thoughts and actions and changing them if we wish to.

There is something seriously skewed in his thinking and your intuition is telling you to beware. Listen to your intuition, because your mind will kick in soon telling you all the reasons you should give him another chance.

It's fortuitous that you're away for a week. Give yourself some time to reflect and don't respond to any of his communications.

Let us know how you go.

I'm finding it difficult to calm down and go to sleep so I came back here to see if there was anything new to read. My mind has been spinning a bit, but my resolve has not changed. I turned my phone off so I wouldn't be tempted to read or listen to the messages he continued to send in the last couple of hours. I haven't looked at my e-mails, either. I think maybe it's too early to make sense of this, but in looking back on the last 7 months I still don't see where there were any red flags until the last month. That's probably one of the harder things to deal with because it makes me wonder how I will be able to trust my intuition the next time I'm attracted to someone. We had so many deep conversations throughout our time together and the messages were always consistent. We covered the important topics, and I believed I knew him well. I think he must have been a master of deception as my friends and family all had the highest opinion of him. Sadly, my parents were killed in a car accident 15 months ago so I was not only lacking their input but I think I may have been more desperate for a love connection than I realized. I never felt that way, but it's something I need to consider. I know I need to take time to reflect on all of this. As the night goes on, I am finding myself getting angrier … but I think that is natural and probably even healthy.

I believe you have figured yourself out much more by this situation. Just by what you post now compared to your original post shows that much.

Yes, he probably was very good at hiding his true intentions.

My only new advice to you is to wait. Don't go back to this guy. Next time you find a guy you really click with, don't jump straight to sex. Make sure you completely covered what each other want from it, and take it slow.
Relationships seem to work out better when sex isn't a priority in the beginning.

Have a successful, enjoyable trip. Don't worry about this and come back to a fresh start. He may have become fascinated by the news about Carradine; the timing is suspicious. Don't mistrust your intuition.

As HelpinHere says, take your time next time. The best progression I have found is: acquaintance, buddy, friend, close friend, lover, mate. To take all of those steps should run about 2 to 10 years, but skipping one leads to message boards.

I know so many guys that act the way they want you to believe they are until months later when they think that you are so in love with them that what they are really all about won't matter because they have you so in love with them. There probably wasn't anything you could have said or done that would have made anything go any differently.

One thing I noticed is when you get in another relationship don't pour your heart out about the negatives of your other relationships because often that gives a guy a gauge on what he needs to hide and things to avoid letting you know until later when he thinks he has you wrapped around his finger. They will even hold things you say against you like ''No wonder your boyfriend dumped you'' even if you were the one that had dumped him.

Just stick to your guns, be yourself and don't let any guy get over on you.

Consider yourself lucky this came out BEFORE you was married and had kids.

I consider myself pretty open minded... but Auto-erotic Aphyxia :eek:

People die from that all the time... jeeze, go with your heart... you should not be asked to change to suit someone if they truly love you.

I consider myself pretty open minded...but Auto-erotic Aphyxia :eek:



Yeah. And don't forget the other things she didn't list for us, probably out of politeness.:eek:

I was thinking about his "next level" remarks. More like a down a few levels than up to a new level.

Please guys... I'm having my breakfast and I want to keep it down! :(

Consider yourself lucky this came out BEFORE you was married and had kids.

I consider myself pretty open minded...but Auto-erotic Aphyxia :eek:

People die from that all the time....jeeze, go with your heart...you should not be asked to change to suit someone if they truely love you.

I have to agree. I myself practise BDSM, however the autoerotic aphyxia is dangerous and has caused deaths in many cases! Definitely something to stay away from. Especially with someone you have not known long *a year is not long in my book* nor when BOTH partys are not into it.

Good luck hon. Don't stress over it. You will find someone to love.

It’s been a couple of days now so I thought I’d give an update as a couple of people were kind enough to ask that I do so. I think I realized that what I originally thought was an issue about sex really turned into a much deeper issue about relationships, honesty, trust, and learning something about myself. I’m still pretty upset and disillusioned, but trying to work through it all. My initial response was to throw myself into work, which got me through the days – but the nights were another matter. I’m having trouble sleeping and eating, but I am determined to turn this into a positive. In that regard, I dug into this site and found an amazing thread that I have been reading on the Relationships board entitled, “Girlfriend wants to break up after 5 years”. The struggles of this poster and the advice he is being given have opened my eyes to some amazing insights. I’m about 300 posts into the thread, but I feel such hope for how to proceed. Where I was dreading my return home at the end of the week, I’m now excited that I have a plan in the works and I want to get started on it. I’ve spent the better part of my life working on my education and career goals and now I see the next phase as being focused on self-actualization, for lack of a better term. I just wanted to share this with you. It’s as if a light bulb has gone off in my head.

Remember that the struggles and trials we go through are not in vain when we learn something and can help others with what we learned. I know me and many others on this site have been through many of the things that we answer.
My old boss asked me the other day 'implying' I was a hypocrite that I could tell others about relationship problems when I've had nothing but bad relationships. But it is the people that have went through stuff that know what worked and what didn't.
So even though you have gone through this you now can be stronger and wiser.

You certainly helped me - tell your boss that! Sometimes it's difficult to see the obvious answer when you are so involved, and when you think you know someone so well. I was under the impression that I needed to do something to fix the problem, but the truth was that I couldn't have done anything but what I did... walk away. You can take credit for my action, and I appreciate that.

It’s been a couple of days now so I thought I’d give an update as a couple of people were kind enough to ask that I do so. I think I realized that what I originally thought was an issue about sex really turned into a much deeper issue about relationships, honesty, trust, and learning something about myself. I’m still pretty upset and disillusioned, but trying to work through it all. My initial response was to throw myself into work, which got me thru the days – but the nights were another matter. I’m having trouble sleeping and eating, but I am determined to turn this into a positive. In that regard, I dug into this site and found an amazing thread that I have been reading on the Relationships board entitled, “Girlfriend wants to break up after 5 years”. The struggles of this poster and the advice he is being given have opened my eyes to some amazing insights. I’m about 300 posts into the thread, but I feel such hope for how to proceed. Where I was dreading my return home at the end of the week, I’m now excited that I have a plan in the works and I want to get started on it. I’ve spent the better part of my life working on my education and career goals and now I see the next phase as being focused on self-actualization, for lack of a better term. I just wanted to share this with you. It’s as if a light bulb has gone off in my head.

Reading the experiences of other people can sometimes be our greatest teachers - I'm very glad that you're feeling hopeful and more importantly empowered to continue, despite the lack of sleep and appetite. They do come back!

Sometimes it's difficult to see the obvious answer when you are so involved, and when you think you know someone so well. I was under the impression that I needed to do something to fix the problem, but the truth was that I couldn't have done anything but what I did ... walk away.

The thing is as you have come to see is that we get involved and want to fit everything into the neat little package. Then when it doesn't work that way our judgment gets clouded and confused yet we keep trying to make the round peg fit into the square hole. We end up just sinking further into denial and can't see from any other perspective.

I went the whole week without talking to him, or returning his texts or emails. Today was my first day back at my office, and when I came out to go home he was standing by my car waiting for me. He apologized, but said he didn’t know what else to do because I wouldn’t respond to him. I live in a gated community so he saw my office as the only way to approach me. The bottom line is that he said he realizes that what he wants is unhealthy and dangerous, and he plans to go to therapy to address it. His initial appointment is on Friday. He understands that I don’t want a romantic relationship now, but he wants to know that I will try to be understanding and supportive. He’s asking me to not withdraw my friendship. It would be easiest to just go on with my life and forget about him, but I wonder if there is a chance to help him if I should do it – mostly because he has asked me to help, but also because I know there is a good person in there. I mentioned we met on New Year’s Eve. That was our first date, but we had actually talked extensively by phone, e-mail and g-chat for 6 weeks before that date. A good deal of it was helping me cope with my grief, advice on my parents’ estate, and figuring out what to do with my life.

I’m just looking for some advice. I know at the very least I would have to be clear in my mind to what extent I am willing to be involved and then I need to make sure he understands that. I guess I’m wondering if there is hope here. I’ve talked to my closest friends who encourage me to help – but they see it as a romantic idea. I haven’t told them the details of why we broke up, just that there were some things I couldn’t accept – it seemed wrong to discuss something so personal.

You can be there for a moral support but like you said you need to keep a clear head and see what it is for what it is.
Let him get his therapy and watch his progress. If he does good you should know when, where, what, etc... of what you want.
Take it one day at a time and don't go jumping into anything

I think it was great of him to help you last year, but the situation is very different. Among other things, he had an ulterior motive. You were falling for one another.

Now it's different: you have just broken up with him. Continuing to be in contact with him will be hard on you and make it difficult for you to move on. I respect your decision not to tell your friends about his sexual preferences. (That's a hard one, since you might not necessarily want for them to become involved with him and you also want their support if you decide not to stay in touch with him.)

I think it's inappropriate for him to ask you for help with this. He is trying to maintain contact despite your clearly expressed wish to break off. His appearing outside your work can be construed as romantic, I suppose. But it's also controlling and a boundary violation. His request for help with the very thing that most upsets you is putting the burden on you to help him become healthy. In my opinion, his behavior is manipulative. I think if he really wants to change, he does not need your help to do it. I think his request is just his way of trying to stay in contact, hoping you'll come back. That's understandable, but he wasn't thinking about that when he repeatedly told you that you weren't measuring up sexually.

I would resume NC.

My 2 cents.

No contact is the best way... you NEED to have a clean break... and very few people could remain friiends without any stress in this situation... I am not among those few.

His request to you for help with his 'problems' reeks of insensitivity to me. You've made it clear that you don't want to be in a relationship with him, yet he is asking for your assistance with the very issue that led to the separation.

Something doesn't feel quite right with this. His problems are his and he should deal with them without involving you. Asking you to participate in the process entangles you in it and makes it much harder for you to separate from him.

I imagine, consciously or unconsciously, that this is his intention.

Stay separate and uninvolved and do not allow yourself to feel sorry for him. It's not romantic, it's manipulative.

I have to agree. He's manipulating you. He thinks he's found a way to keep himself a part of your life. By telling you that he's seeking help to correct what you see as a problem, and he might not, he is essentially trying to convince you to give him another chance. He's counting on your good nature and guilt to get you to keep contact with him, by subtly reminding you that he helped you through a difficult time.

He lied and manipulated you before. The entire process from the point when he first told you he wanted to take things to the 'next level' until the point when he finally told you what that level was sounds very calculated to me. He got you worried and worked up and curious to find out what he meant in the hopes of saving a relationship he put in jeopardy in the first place. Since you had made your opinion on the subject clear early on he had no doubt how you would respond. By making you wait and work yourself into a tizzy, he was trying to manipulate you into thinking that giving in was the only way to save the relationship.

Since that didn't work, he has moved on to plan b. he is now making promises in the attempt to show that he is willing to change for you. The thing is, without going to therapy with him, you have no way of verifying that he is actually seeking help. My guess is that he sees nothing wrong with dangerous sex play and is just seeking to lull you into a false sense of security.

Showing up at your work is a classic sign of obsession and manipulation. Instead of allowing you the option of avoiding or ignoring him he has FORCED you to listen to him, even when you have made it clear that you wished no contact. He has basically taken away your choices and left you with no other option but to deal with him at this point, even if only to make the effort to avoid him further.

Someone who truly cared about you would allow you have the space you need. They would seek help on their own, if they feel it is needed. Then, maybe, in a year or two, when most of the sting has worn off and they have spent that time in counseling trying to reconcile things within themselves, would it be OK to approach you again seeking friendship and understanding. It is almost always impossible to be friends, of any sort, right after a break up.

Cut him loose. Move on. Live your life. Maybe find someone new eventually. Heal. And let time decide his fate. If he's honest about seeking help, then he will do so rather or not you decide to help him.

I think it's a bad sign that he appeared at your work place. To me (I have a stalker), it means that he will not accept "no contact". For him to ask for your friendship and support while working through this issue is completely bogus. He's manipulating you... and I fear that you're being drawn back in.

Thanks, everyone. I was struggling between many of the thoughts expressed versus being “nice” by helping someone who had asked for help. I think you are all right that it’s a manipulation of some sort – whether sinister or just not wanting to lose the relationship. The comments above made so much sense. I wrote him an e-mail telling him I wished him the best, but I couldn’t be involved. I told him I didn’t want any further contact and spelled out what that meant. He responded immediately pleading with me not to do this. I will not respond.

One of the partners walked in and could see that something was wrong. After generally explaining what was going on, he became concerned and insisted that I not leave work alone for the time being – so now I will have an escort to my car. That may not be necessary but it does make me feel more secure. He’s also going to see if he can get me another out of town assignment, hopefully for 3-4 weeks this time.

I really appreciate all the feedback. You guys are great.

If another contact is needed to tell him anything... tell him that you asked him nicely to leave you alone, and that now you consider it stalking and if you see him again you will contact the authorities to get a restraining order issued.

Harsh... but it does give the authorities reason to not write it off if he continues his unwanted advances and contacts. In case it escalates.

That shows you really mean business...

One of the partners walked in and could see that something was wrong. After generally explaining what was going on, he became concerned and insisted that I not leave work alone for the time being – so now I will have an escort to my car. That may not be necessary but it does make me feel more secure. He’s also going to see if he can get me another out of town assignment, hopefully for 3-4 weeks this time.

I really appreciate all the feedback. You guys are great.

Your co-worker sounds like very nice guy, and I'm glad you're accepting the escort to your car. Your ex may not be a violent person, but he's not going to accept "no" as an answer, and will only continue to meet you at your car and attempt to get his foot in the door, so to speak.

The only gated community I've ever been to had a guard at the gate. Is this the case with yours? And if so, is there any danger that your ex might try to finagle his way in by saying he's friends with you? Excuse my ignorance in these matters... :o

Two words... Restraining Order.

Situations like this are exactly what they exist for... before it turns nasty.

There are two entrances to our community, both have security guards. The only way visitors can enter is if a resident calls and notifies the guards. I think I will just be doubly sure and talk to them.

I'm going to hold off on a restraining order unless there is another incident. He is a criminal defense attorney, and I'm concerned that the police would love to retaliate against him. I also don't want to ruin his reputation in the courts.

Your state or county might have a legal step you can take that's below a restraining order. If not then I would suggest that you file a police report if he shows up again, and continue to do so every time he shows up. You don't have to press charges, just file a report saying you are being harassed. Having it down on paper will make taking legal actions in the future easier, if you end up needing to.

He sent flowers today, with a card in which he apologized for everything, said he accepts and will respect my wishes, and while he doesn’t expect he will ever hear from me said that he would welcome a call if I ever want to talk to him.

While it was a break in the NC, I do feel relieved by what he wrote – though I won’t let my guard down entirely.

He's still trying to manipulate you. He found a way to establish contact that you can't avoid or ignore. Watch out for more tactics like that, and make a note of all of them.

I understand what you are saying, but I am going to assume that this is what he wrote until he gives me a reason to think otherwise. The last contact was a page long plea yesterday that I can only describe as heart-wrenching. I think this could be a way of acknowledging that he now accepts what I said. I'll know soon enough, if there is more contact. I'm not going to let my guard down, but I don't want to be worried all the time either. I do have the choice to not respond, which is what I will do. I do read what he sends so I will be forewarned if he says anything questionable, but I will not respond and I will do my best not to think about it once I've read it. I am also keeping everything just in case I need it in the future. Thanks for the concern.

I completely understand. I honestly hope he means what he said and is going to respect your wishes. I wish you the best of luck.

I was going to give you another rep, but got a message that I have to spread it around before I can give you another one. Haha. I was just going to say thanks, and that you've been a big help.

I'm glad, and you are very welcome ^_^

Keeping all of that is a good idea...

If you respond say nothing more than...

"I have asked you to leave me alone. Do NOT contact me, wait for me or do anything to reach me ever again. Or I will have to take stronger measures."

Which would be the restraining order. He is trying despirately to manipulate you go get what he wants from you.

Keeping all of that is a good idea....

If you respond say nothing more than ...

"I have asked you to leave me alone. Do NOT contact me, wait for me or do anything to reach me ever again. Or I will have to take stronger measures."

Which would be the restraining order. He is trying despirately to manipulate you go get what he wants from you.

In your opinion, should I do that now? My thought was to give him the benefit of the doubt, but also to send a message that he can't trick me into communication by sending the flowers and card. I thought the non-response would show that I'm serious about NC and would reinforce what I had said.

There is no way he is going to manipulate me into changing my mind. I moved back home in May 2008 to take care of my dad after the accident, but he died within the month. I stayed here because I couldn't sell the house at that time, plus it gave me some comfort to live there... and then I thought I had met the man of my dreams. I know better now. I now want to move back to where I was living. I went to college there, have many friends there, and the career possibilities are much better as it is a large city. I like the idea that I can make that choice without having to consider anyone else.

In your opinion, should I do that now? My thought was to give him the benefit of the doubt, but also to send a message that he can't trick me into communication by sending the flowers and card. I thought the non-response would show that I'm serious about NC and would reinforce what I had said.

There is no way he is going to manipulate me into changing my mind. I moved back home in May 2008 to take care of my dad after the accident, but he died within the month. I stayed here because I couldn't sell the house at that time, plus it gave me some comfort to live there ... and then I thought I had met the man of my dreams. I know better now. I now want to move back to where I was living. I went to college there, have many friends there, and the career possibilities are much better as it is a large city. I like the idea that I can make that choice without having to consider anyone else.

What's past is past... this is here and now. Many of us have met people we thought was the one and found out later they weren't (in fact we thank god every day we found out before it was too late).

Personally. If you want to cover your butt in a worst case situation...

Mail him the letter simply stating you want NO further contact with him in any way, and you don't want him following you.

Send it certified with a signature required... keep the receipt and a copy. That's your proof you demanded this from him... if he refuses to accept it you take this to a lawyer and explain everything and that you officially told him to leave you alone... that should prove your case for getting a restraining order if it becomes necessary to do so.

I'm not saying it will, but that might be what it takes to get through his thick skull. Who knows if he will be one to push the issue or not. Best way to avoid becoming a statistic is being somewhat pro-active. He's been warned, more than once... Write the letter like I described... keep it very short. Say nothing more as that can be misunderstood. Then if he ignores that you really should get a restraining order against him. No woman should treat a genuine stalker lightly... and he is at that point In my opinion... you asked him to leave you alone several times already.

Last week my attorney sent him a letter stating that if he tried to contact me again in any way we would get a restraining order. He called my cell this morning. I didn’t answer. I even thought about deleting or ignoring the message, but I want to be aware of anything I need to know. The message was strange – like a final goodbye, and I was bothered by the sound of his voice. He called from his home phone, which was a little strange on a workday. I called his good friend to see if he would check on him. His friend found him passed out with a bottle of whiskey and an empty bottle of sleeping pills. He called 911, and they were able to revive him at the hospital. They’ll keep him there for 6 days on a mental health watch. I can’t stop crying. What if I hadn’t listened to the message? What if there is a next time? Why would anyone do this? I just don’t understand.

Once again I am impressed with your instinct that something was wrong and quick sensible action.

This guy is seriously messed up and did this in part because he is a deeply unhappy person and partly to hurt you, hence his phone call. Do you have friends or family who can support you now? You should not be all alone. Please do not think of rewarding this behavior by going to him or calling, or there will be more of it. It is awful. I am so sorry.

I'm out of town on business. I don't have a lot of family - my parents are gone and I was an only child. I have a couple of college friends in the town I'm in on business, but they aren't really close. I'm a couple of hours from my mom's sister, so I could go see her this weekend. She's really sweet.

I just feel a little stuck, like he will do anything to get my attention. I think he did this to send the message I can't get away from him, but he came so close to losing his life.

This guy is seriously messed up and did this in part because he is a deeply unhappy person and partly to hurt you, hence his phone call. Do you have friends or family who can support you now? You should not be all alone. Please do not think of rewarding this behavior by going to him or calling, or there will be more of it. It is awful. I am so sorry.

Yep. Although he hurt himself, he did have some intent to in one way or another to hurt you. You wanted a NC relationship. He called you, so that you would know, you would feel guilty, that it is your fault.

Just, think of this, you aren't the reason he is messed up.

He has some serious issues, but they aren't your fault. You helped him. You got away from, possibly just saved his life, but if you continue, he may think you're interested. If he is this screwed up, emotionally, then going to him will just be him succeeding. He either died, or has you. Then, you save him and go to him? It will just screw him up more.

Stay away from him. You're staying on your toes, but don't trip, or it will make it worse.

I think it's a good idea to get out of town this weekend.
I'll echo what Helpinhere said... this was NOT your fault. Your ex tried to send you a final "eff- you". You're right, he will do anything to get you to contact him, and that frightens me even more for you. I suggest going through with the restraining order- plus, your attorney (not you) might contact the hospital psych ward (I imagine at least a 72 hour hold, since he attempted suicide) and explain the circumstances behind this event. Perhaps a psychiatrist can help convince your ex that nothing will bring you back to him.

Take care...

Where we live the law requires a 6-day stay, no exceptions. My attorney is a family friend so he knows everything now and I am trusting him to do the right thing. We talked about it this morning. He also suggested going through with the order. I felt bad about it on one hand (kicking someone while they are down), but I think there's definitely an argument for doing it also.

I won't be back home for another 2 weeks. I've also talked to his parents and best friend to make sure they knew the issues. I'm hoping they can convince him to see a counselor on a regular basis, but I also told them I don't want to be involved in any way. He forced me to get involved yesterday, but it has to stop. I was a little (maybe a lot) freaked out yesterday, but I think I am handling it better today. I still feel like I did the right thing, both breaking up and all that has happened recently. Thanks for the support.

Well, you did a good thing calling someone... but you also have to remember you are not his keeper. He is ultimately responsible for his own actions. For good or bad, its his responsibility, not yours.

As long as you maintain your resolve, you will get past this. Don't give him the chance to control you ever again.

Look at it this way... he has issues, serious ones. THey have nothing to do with you. He had them before you met him, if he refuses to get help, and does himself in... it was his choice, as an adult its his responsibity if he refuses help. But his parent can force him to treatment based on the premise he is a danger to himself and others. If he isn't forced into treatment.. its because they don't give a damn. That's one way an adult can be forced into treatment against their will. And that has been proven beyond any doubt by his latest action.

Getting and staying as far away from this guy as possible is the best thing you could do. A person this despirate to shame someone else into something THEY want could have just as easily harmed you as he did himself. And I do believe had you not gotten away that it would have happened at some point.

Personally, I would contact my lawyer if it was me at this point... he just proved he is capable of something far more extreme. Let the lawyer make the call if a restraining order should be pursued at this time... they will have an emotional detatchment, and make sure they know about this latest stunt. You don't want to become another statistic. It really can potientually become a "your life or his" situation if action isn't taken.

j-lo,I've read all of the posts,and even though I cannot add to the advice given I just wanted to say well done,your doing great,you sound like a level headed and really nice person.. your a credit to your parents,I'm sure they would be so proud of you.

Regards.
redhed35.

Smoothy, thanks for the input. I do think I am lucky to have gotten out of town - probably the reason he took the drastic measure, since he wanted to get my attention and I wasn't around. Who knows what he might have done if I had been there? I did talk to my attorney about it so he is aware of everything. We have a couple of days to act as he is still confined at the hospital. My attorney said a lot of what you did though, and definitely feels there is a threat. He will do something. As far as his parents, that's a tough one. They are in Boston. I urged them to visit him and to take this very seriously. I can't do anything more than that, and I really don't want to at this point.

Redhed, thanks for the support. :)

You are one tough, smart lady, and I admire the way you handled yourself. I'm glad this nut case finally revealed how sick, and twisted, he really was, and it's a testament to your own good sense, to walk away when you did.

You dodged a bullet, but don't feel bad for him to long, he is dangerous, to himself, and OTHERS!!

He hid that side of him well, but not well enough to fool you for long. That in itself proves what we all here know, if you love yourself enough, you won't fall for any ones BS!

In this case, it may have saved your life, and it certainly saved his. What he does with your gift to him, is up to him. That's all you can do for the fool.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/just-looking-hospital-after-being-attacked-her-ex-401929.html

Damn... just when it looked like she got away from that nut... best wishes for her during her recovery.

I hope they get that guy... and he gets to play prison b!itch for a good long time.