I'm new at this forum and actually feeling a little silly obsessing over this issue as I have already acted and would not change what I did, but can't help feeling really down about it.

Here's my situation:

I come from an abusive family, my dad is economically, emotionally and physically violent with my mom who is so used to the situation that she has been unable to leave it, she has issues of her own, she lost her mom when she was only four and has never known a normal family life and does not love herself.

It took me long years to deal with my own issues, I started dating when I was 13 and dated a series of guys who were a lot like my dad. Once I realized this I made a conscious decision to stop doing this and left an abusive boyfriend of 2 years. I also began the process of rooting out my own negatives that I have acquired over the years in order to be a better person and not repeat the cycle of violence that my dad has started.

This June, when I was 19, I went to another city to live and work for month, and to just take a break and enjoy myself. I stayed with a guy I'd met three months ago, we had been in touch and had been flirting via text messaging, phone and Skype every other day and then he invited me to stay with him when I was going to his city.

The guy is ten years older than me and is from another country. He has been sent by his company to my country of residence to do their work here and has been living here for over a year. When I went there I didn't know if something was going to happen between us, but I didn't have any expectations as such.

I'm a virgin and I was sexually abused as a kid, as a result I think I have a huge fear of sex even though I have a very healthy libido and have done loads of stuff but not had sex. So I stayed with this guy for a month and we ended up making out a lot but I just couldn't ever relax enough to have sex with him. We had a great time together, we both really liked each other but he was the one who was pushing for a commitment and an exclusive relationship and he also wanted me to visit him in his country for his birthday that is in August. I was initially very reluctant as I've done long distance before and it requires a very strong foundation to be able to work. However he claimed that it wasn't a problem, that I'm the best thing that has happened to him and he doesn't simply want to make it like a summer fling but wants to see if we can make it as a long term couple. He also said that he can afford to jump on a plane to come to see me anytime that we feel the relationship needs work and we need to meet. I also refused to go to his country because he was going to pay for the flight and everything, I don't have the kind of money to travel abroad though I would love to and I can't wait to.

In spite of my doubts, his reassurances and his caring behavior and words caused me to consider being his girlfriend. When he came right out and asked me, I said yes. We were ecstatic and then at the end of my trip I came back here. I also agreed to visit him in August for his 30th. However in the last two weeks we've had many horrible problems at home and I've ended up having to run away two nights and stay with a friend who lives nearby and I've sought his emotional support whenever this has happened, and have not really got it. It's like speaking to an automated machine who is saying the right things without any compassion or feeling. I realized this and backed off a little bit, then he went off for a weekend out of the country and told me he was leaving for his trip back home sooner than expected.

Up until the night before he was leaving to go back for a holiday back there, he was constantly mentioning the trip and contacting me. Then I called him that night and I think he'd had a few drinks and came right out and told me he was really scared that I was going to go to his country and meet his family and friends, even though he's told them all about them and also emailed our pictures to them, etc. He also said that this didn't change the way he felt about me. I then said that this is his invitation and his decision and that I'm not going to go if he doesn't feel right about it. But I also said it was really unfair of him to push me to go if he was going to back out like this at the last minute. Due to problems at home my work and studies have also been suffering and I'd just been fired from a job that day. He knew this.

The next morning we talked and he then said he doesn't know how he feels about me anymore and since I have left it has got a lot less intense for him and that he's in a very confusing stage in his life where he doesn't feel satisfied with his job and doesn't know if he's going to ever properly come back here. At this stage I just told him we should finish it because I deserve to be with someone who wants me and knows he wants me and not someone who is so fickle and whimsical. I also told him that I notice I get more attention from him if I don't give him any, and I've noticed this about his previous relationships: the girls have been stringing him along and he's used to chasing them. I told him that he was a fair weather friend, only there for me when we had such fun times but not even feeling anything when I really needed a friend and watched my dad lash my mom with a belt and had to call the cops on him.

I came home that evening and saw that he'd left me a huge email from the airport saying that he really respects me and is truly sorry that he has been so hurtful. He wants to be friends until he can come back here and "lets see where this takes us".

I am feeling so utterly rejected and let down and angry that this guy pushed his way into my life and then messed me up and left when I was so down. I dreamed about him all of last night and saw him with another girl who he wants and cares about and woke up in tears. I know I need to be strong for myself and my mom, we are getting help from a women's organization and I'm sorting out my work and studies, but I can't help feeling so bad about this whole thing.

Please talk to me!

Hi I really feel for you how awful.this situation reminds me of a man I met years ago though I was not romantically involved with him he was a coworker. He would wine and dine then romantic breaks promise undying love etc.when they got truly hooked he would dump them with excuses similar to the ones your bloke s given.that is sick.he is sick. However heartbreaking this will sound to you now:try to see it as a lucky escape from an emotional incompetent. All my sympathy.

What kind of "womans organization" are you and your mom involved with?

As I read your post the impression that you were looking for love, in all the wrong places comes to mind, but I'm glad by the time I got to the last paragraph, you had decided to work on yourself, and your situation. An excellent idea.

Your hurt from this relationship, and that's so normal, as we all get down on ourselves, and life, when we go through a break up. It's a grieving process we humans go through.

Thankfully, your on a good path now, with work, and studies, and I hope you stay on it. I really think you should just let yourself grieve, and heal, and stay out of relationships for a while. At least until you can work through your own issues, and put yourself on some very solid grounds with YOU!

The best partners, are ones who are as happy with themselves, as they can share it with others, and still keep their own sense of self.

Despite your past, and present problems, you sound really level headed, but just need to grow emotionally into yourself, so you can enjoy who you are, which is fairly remarkable given your upbringing in a dysfunctional family environment.

You will overcome this in time, so be patient, as you work through your own feelings, as you heal. I think you should really go very slowly with the guys, as you'll find what your looking for, by not looking so hard, and not getting so attached so fast.

Good luck to you, and your mom.