Threads merged

Hey everyone!

So here's the deal:
I am 21 yrs old and almost finished my senior yr of college in PA. This 29 yr old guy from work, is flirting with me and he lives in NJ in his own apartment.

I have been so awful with relationships up to this point in my life. I am not like other girls who are sluts and put themselves out (though sometimes I wish I was able to do that). I have yet to have a serious relationship or have a serious crush on a guy. I am starting to get worried... I feel like I should be dating someone... I don't know what to do. I am always so worried about who my family and parents will except, etc. A few guys are interested at the moment, but I keep pushing them away... I don't know what my problem is.. I am too picky or something...

Anyway, this guy from work (who is 9 yrs older than me) has been kind of flirting with me. I have known him for about a yr and a half now. We just talk once in a while and we text message. Since I am back home for the holidays he wants to hang out. I know my mom would be pissed if she found out I was hanging with a 29 yr old. But it shouldn't matter rite? Age doesn't matter if your if you end up falling in love... rite?

So... what I am really asking is... what should I do?? I know he is more experienced sexually than me and I think he thinks I am experienced. I really like him, but I do not want to disapoint him and feel stupid. I also would like to get to know him before going further with him, but I feel like he is pressuring and rushing things with his texts. BUT maybe that's just a way to get me to hang out.. I don't know.

The bottom line here is... I feel desperate. I feel like I will never find the right guy. Like I don't try hard enough, like I don't care. But I do. I wish the perfect guy would just fall into my arms. I need soe serious advice! I see all these 24 or 25 yrs olds getting married and I feel like I am lost and way behind on relationships. What can I do?

Any help will be PERFECT! Thanks!

Justme

Please be patient. You are so very young -- I can only tell you that good things come to those who wait. Don't let anybody rush you, but you do things when you feel the time is right for you. Believe that you are worth waiting for, and everyone else will, too.

As a middle-aged fart, I can say that the 20s are a time of subtle but very profound growth. I've read (and maybe someone else can corroborate) that the brain reaches its maturity at 24 years. Just about every woman I've known went through the first big relationship crisis around 25. So hang in there, and have fun!

Hello.

Never ever sudmit to pressure.
If you like him hang out with him - if you want to have sex with him - then do so, if not then don't, and if he complaint's about it - then he's not worth your time anyway.

About the afraid og being alone thing. Don't worry about it. Everybody fears that from time to time - when they are single. I've had plenty of date's but no serious relationship, until 2 years ago.

But everyone get's at least one chance of finding someone they care about, that I'm certain of. I'm 23 years old by the way. So wait one more year before getting worried. :)

You really are making a big to do over nothing, and having to high of an expectation on yourself.

Dating is about fun and enjoying the company of others, as you get to know them. So date around, and have a great time, and leave all that other stuff your thinking about alone.

Just don't get carried away with your feelings, and invest to much emotion, to soon, into anyone until you know them really well. A year should do it.

Enjoy growing, and getting to know yourself.

Threads merged

Hello!

I recently started talking to this guy. He is really cute and we have a lot in common. We both play the trumpet, love music, love movies, etc. I used to know him from a community band I was in with him, but we never really talked.
The only thing is that he is 30 and I am 22. I just finished college and I'm starting an internship in the fall. Do you think he is worth my time? Will people think I'm weird for going out with a 30 yr old? It may be a good time for me because I'll be in the area and stuff, I won't be traveling bak to school.
I don't know. It's still real early... who knows, things may not even work out. I just want other people's thoughts.

Let me know!

Thanks all!

There's an age difference of 8 years, so what. Go enjoy your life. He may be the one.

I don't think 8 years difference is too much at your ages. It would be a lot different for say a 16 year old and a 24 year old as they are at completely different stages of maturity.

That's just my opinion though.

Age difference doesn't matter, as long as it is legal, all that matters is that he makes you happy and how YOU feel about it

The age gap is nothing, but get to know him very well, and have fun doing it, before you get to attached.

Threads merged

Hello folks,

I have written previous posts about dating a 30 yr old and I am 22.

Time has passed a bit and we have been on 2 dates so far and have been talking and texting for about 3 weeks. We have been going out to eat and he met me down the shore one day. It's been really nice.
I haven't kissed him yet. When do you think is it an appropriate time to do that? I don't want to move fast because I'm still checking him out because of his age and stuff.
I don't mind hooking up with him, but how should I move along with this process? I am kind of new at this. I am not a virgin, but I am very unexperienced. He's a really sweet guy and seems understanding... I don't want to turn him off with my sexual insecurities.

Any suggestions?

Thanks all

Justme

Just go with the flow. Go at a pace that you're comfortable with. Don't do anything that you're uncomfortable with.

Be natural. Enjoy the time that you spend together!

You can't and, in my opinion, shouldn't try to plan these things. Kiss him when it feels good. If he really likes you he won't have a problem with your sexual inexperience. In fact, it could be a great starting point, most of us that are not necessarily inexperienced end up with baggage!

Every new sexual relationship is a learning experience, just like everything else in life.

Enjoy it, try not to worry. If its right it will feel right. :D

I think if you go slow, and enjoy the dating, things will work themselves out. Are you both in agreement about being exclusive??

Umm, we haven't really discussed that yet. We are going on our 3rd date today. Spending some hours together. Maybe something will come up. I think I'll wait for him to say something because he's older and I'm not sure exactly what he wants. It's fun for now. Who knows.

What do you think?

3rd date?? Lol, from reading your post I would have thought this was at least a year of dating. Keep having fun. No strings, no pressure, no high unreasonable expectations.

Threads merged

Hello folks,

I have written previous posts about dating a 30 yr old and I am 22.

Time has passed a bit and we have been on 2 dates so far and have been talking and texting for about 3 weeks. We have been going out to eat and he met me down the shore one day. It's been really nice.
I haven't kissed him yet. When do you think is it an appropriate time to do that? I dont wanna move fast bc im still checkin him out bc of his age and stuff.
I don't mind hooking up with him, but how should i move along with this process? I am kinda new at this. I am not a virgin, but i am very unexperienced. he's a really sweet guy and seems understanding... i dont' want to turn him off with my sexual insecurities.

Any suggestions?

Thanks all

justme

He isn't going to care. Honestly, he's dating a 22 year old that doesn't sleep around. That is what every guy wants.

Yeaa I guess. I just feel like he may be upset at the end of the night after getting only a hug goodbye. We r just having fun. I don't know. I'm new at this.

Yeaa I guess. I just feel like he may be upset at the end of the nite after gettin only a hug goodbye. We r just havin fun. I don't no. I'm new at this.

If he has all the right intentions he'll be happy with a hug for now.
.

Thanks! I know all guys r like always real horny n , even if they r nice guys you no? But he's 30... Makes me wonder y he's not with someone.

Thanks! I know all guys r like always real horny n , even if they r nice guys ya no? But he's 30... Makes me wonder y he's not with someone.

Guys are not always horny and quite honesty some are getting tired of hearing that we only want one thing in life.

Speaking of being 30 and single, why are you 22, good hearted, not sleeping around, and single? I said in my other thread that's what every guy wants so I'm not knocking it, but maybe you should not be asking questions about him when you could turn them around and ask the very same questions about yourself.

This attitude of questioning every little detail about his life is going to drive him away further and sooner then not being experienced.

I'm 22, honest, single and not a slut because that's how it should be. I understand where your coming from Chuff.. maybe it is me too. I think he really expected a kiss last night, but it was just awkward. We were in the car and it didn't happen. He wants me to start it. I don't know. I really like him, but I want to make it right. He texted me earlier today, but hasn't answered me tonight,, wonder what he's up too. Oh well. Maybe we should talk.

Why don't you ask him how he feels about it , he may be as confused about all this as you are.

If you don't communicate it won't work out anyway.

THREADS MERGED

Hello all,

I know some of you followed my other 2 posts...
It turns out... the past couple days I hadn't heard from him in a bit. Something didn't seem right. So I asked him if he wanted to hang out again. He said sure, but only as friends. He needs to be single right now to accomplish his goals. Blah, blah.
What kind of is this? He leads me on... taking me out and.. calling me... and then that was it. One day there, gone the next. I was so upset. I felt like I did something wrong or I wasn't good enough... not smart enough. The one time I try to start something with someone it goes to and now I just feel down on myself. Like I was wrong.
I don't know what to tell my parents. They are asking, oh what happened to your friend? Blah blah. I can't tell them it didn't work out because he didn't want a relationship. It makes me seem not worthy and like a mistake and not good enough. PLus I haven't been with someone in forever and they were happy for me. Of course it was never OFFICIAL... but you got to think something if he's taking you out and acting close to you.
I'm finding it hard to smile. I have a lump in my throat. In this short time this ruined me. Played me. And ripped my heart.

What do I do? What do I think/ how do I get over this gay ?
I don't like feeling this way.

Thanks.

Hey,to get a better understanding of your situation I looked through your other posts and threads started.

You've been through a lot.

This guy let you down,its time to focus on you and get your head in order so this does not happen again.

Its easy to tell your parents, you just say,he was not interested in a long term relationship and I did'nt want to waste my time.

Work on your confidence and self esteam,only you can change you.

Don't rely or wait on the man of your dreams to come save you,its not going to happen.

Learn this time.

Stay on your own for a while,find out how to love yourself,it's the key to freeing yourself from self destructing.

This is the second time threads have been merged for you. Please do NOT start a new thread for the same issue.

No no this is not the thread I was talking about. Its another one. And I'm sorry.

THREADS MERGED

It turns out... the past couple days i hadn't heard from him in a bit. something didn't seem right. So i asked him if he wanted to hang out again. He said sure, but only as friends. He needs to be single right now to accomplish his goals. blah, blah.

But from his perspective, this "relationship" wasn't going anywhere. You were acting as a friend, and worse yet you were questioning every motive he had and everything about him. No guy wants that and for that matter no woman wants that. If we were dating would you want me questioning why your single, why you didn't call, why you did call, why are you interested in me, why are you older, why, why, why?

You were never content to just let it be what it was. There were always more questions and at some point people get tired of feeling like they are under a microscope. A relationship develops and you have to let it develop over time. Questions will come up, but to be hit over the head from the beginning with questions that are kind of stand offish doesn't lead one to wanting to spend more time with that person.




What kinda is this? he leads me on... taking me out and .. calling me... and then that was it. one day there, gone the next.

He in no way, absolutely 100% no way lead you on. If anything, you lead him on. You allowed him to take you out, you wouldn't do anything to further the relationship or even explain that you want to take things slow so he's left wondering, "what the hell is going on here?"


I was soo upset. I felt like i did something wrong or i wasn't good enough... not smart enough.

I hate how you term that as doing something wrong. I say this as someone who has done thousands of things wrong in relationships, but you did make some mistakes or do some things wrong so to speak. In no way should you get hung up on it, but instead learn from it. But he was clueless what you wanted, and you went from hot to cold to hot to cold. He could never figure you out because you were questioning his every motive. I mean you actually questioned why he was 30 and single? Who cares? What did this have to do with anything? For him to be met with that attitude is not a good time for him. For him to have to defend things that in no way need to be defended is going to put a wedge between you. In that sense, I would call it a error in judgment.

As for not being smart enough, you are smart enough. Your smarts have nothing to do with this, and there is no reason to start questioning yourself at that level. I know you like him, but he's one guy and you shouldn't think of yourself as stupid because he's not interested. We have a tendency after something like to make it a personal reflection of ourselves that goes deeper then what it is. It has nothing to do with your character or education or anything else you hold personal to yourself. Don't start tearing yourself down over a guy, in fact use this experience to build yourself up. I've learned more about relationships by looking back after the fact and realizing what I did wrong, what I could improve on, and where I was right and the other person was wrong. Something like this can actually propel you to something better if you choose to use it that way.




The one time i try to start something with someone it goes to and now i just feel down on myself. Like i was wrong.

Did you not fall down when you first started to walk? Did you not fall off the bike when you first started to ride it? Did you not learn letters before reading books? It's not the one time you had a bad experience, it's what you learned and improved on that came from it.



I don't know what to tell my parents. They are asking, oh what happened to ur friend? blah blah. I can't tell them it didn't work out bc he didnt want a relationship. It makes me seem not worthy and like a mistake and not good enough.

Why can't you tell them that? How would that make you seem not worthy or a mistak or good enough? Next time they ask, say "he wasn't interested in a relationship at this time, it's cool and I'm moving on."


PLus i havent been with someone in forever and they were happy for me.

They are still happy for you. Do you honestly think they are going to love you less or think less of you because of a guy?

Just like you did with him, you are doing with your parents. You are over analzing everything. You try to make everything perfect, when in fact nothing is ever going to be perfect so you start coming up with reasons it isn't perfect, but then you have figure out if those reasons are perfect, and if not what would be a perfect reason for not having a perfect reason. It just goes on and on.

It didn't work out. End of story.

See how easy that was. That's all you have to say because that's all it is.


Of course it was never OFFICIAL... but u gotta think something if he's takin u out and actin close to you.

But you never acted that way back to him, so from his perspective, how could he think anything.


I'm finding it hard to smile. i have a lump in my throat. In this short time this ruined me. played me. and ripped my heart.

First of all, you are not ruined. Second of all he didn't play you. Third of all, your heart is still beating fine, because you wrote this. I understand you are hurting but you are also letting a bad moment which will be a blip on your radar in the grand scheme of your life control your emotional state. You can smile, you can find good things in life. Again, you are so focused on everything being perfect with what everybody thinks, but you've never taken time to make sure what you think is perfect for your own emotional health.


What do i do? what do i think/ how do i get over this gay ?

Well if he's gay this should not be a problem getting over.

Read the sticky's about getting over someone, but I also suggest using this time to create some value about yourself from within yourself. Look your 22, not sleeping around, caring, fun, family oriented, and sensitive to other people. You have a lot of great characteristics guys like, but you have to focus on those and be happy with those for yourself before you can share it with another person. It's only when you appreciate what you have to offer someone else, will they appreciate it as well.


I don't like feeling this way.

Thanks.

Nobody does, but it won't be there forever, and hopefully you'll see this as an opportunity to grow from this temporary pain into something permanently strong.

Did you ever think you to were not as compatible as you wished you were? Relax, that's what dating is all about. Having fun getting to know each other enough to find out if your THAT compatible or not. He doesn't seem to think so, but NOT a big deal, there are others who are.

Next time don't be so distracted by your own feelings, and miss paying attention to the person.