My husband and I have been married for a little over a year, and have been together a little over 2.

Our relationship was great (at least better) pre-wedding. However, the stress on me during wedding planning and changing jobs and other life-issues put a damper on our relationship during the time of our wedding. I overlooked some potential issues I had with him because I was so busy planning. I let it consume me, and stopped working on our relationship.

To make a long story short, I'm not sure I can ever be happy in a relationship. There is always someone else out there that strikes me as better, more interesting, more fun, etc. Prior to my husband, I would just go from one serious relationship to the next, with no downtime. I have never really been single. I am 28.

Neither my husband nor myself put any effort into our relationship. He has not worked a real job in the time we've been together, and I have supported us through most of it. He was unsure of what career path in life he wanted to take, and spent most of the time playing video games and being depressed. We stopped doing things socially and stopped doing anything fun together. We stopped communicating with one another.

I started talking to a man I met online. We correspond electronically and on the phone. We met for a couple days and I had an affair. He is 22. He says all the right things, about how he will make me happy, how he will never let me be the sole supporter of the family, how I should smile constantly, etc.

It has been 3 months since I started talking to this guy, and I finally filled my husband in on some of the issues that we have that we both need to work on. My husband is willing to put in the work and effort to fix us, and I decided that I am as well.

However, the young man will not understand this. He thinks that because I've never been that happy in my marriage, I won't ever be. He is saying he is going to leave his home state tonight and move closer to me. He has also mentioned some alarming things that make me think he may hurt himself. I am concerned for him, and I hate making people unhappy.

I don't know what to do. 75% of me knows I should give my marriage with my husband a fair shot, with us both trying to make it right, thereby cutting off contact completely with the younger man. 25% of me wants to just up and leave, and comfort the other guy and make sure he is OK, and hope for happiness with him.

I realize I was wrong in getting involved with the young man, and that I definitely deserve any tough choices and heartbreak I endure during this process. I'm not sure this is even much of a question anymore. Typing this out has helped me to see it in a new perspective perhaps, but my main issue is that "what if" nagging feeling... What if I am passing up on something wonderful to stay not happy for the rest of my life?

No matter what, someone is going to get hurt.

Does your husband know about the affair? Have you told him that you've been communicating with this man? Have you been honest with him? Is he even willing to work it out with you if you decide to stay?

I don't think it's right that you feel you are holding all the cards in this situation. You were the one that had the affair, it is your husband's choice on whether he wants to work it out with you. You gave up that right when you slept with another man.

I recommend that you sit down with your husband and be completely, brutally honest.

What happens if your marriage falls apart and you go with this other guy? The guy that was having an affair with a married woman. That's not a good track record on his side. What's to say he won't cheat on you?

Bottom line: you need to be honest with your husband. He is the one with the decision to make, not you.

Your choices SHOULD be: break off with your husband and date the "other guy;" break off with the "other guy" and work on your marriage.

I don't see how you can settle anything if you have one foot in each World - the married world with your husband and the single world with the other guy.

Maybe you just like the thrill of an affair; maybe the "other guy" is everything you've ever been looking for; maybe your husband is the greatest guy you'll ever meet.

Only you know where you want to be in 6 months or a year.

And can't the "other guy" find any single women?

Oh, and yes. You do need to cut ties with this man.

I did not tell my husband about this other man. I honestly don't think I can, because it would hurt him so deeply. I just don't think I can do that to him. I know this makes me sound horrible, and there is no excuse, but it was and is a complex situation.

After you lose that initial "puppy love" or "honeymoon stage" or whatever, I guess I just don't understand how to maintain a relationship. That's why in every relationship I always left after 2 years or so, and moved on to the next. And I can't do that this time, and it's difficult to understand how to handle it.

Only you know where you want to be in 6 months or a year.

And can't the "other guy" find any single women?


I can only respond to that statement in the most generic of fashions: I want to be happy in 6 months or a year. I don't know what will make me happy.

And the other guy apparently has some depression issues, which he withheld from me until 2 days ago. I know he has had relationships in the past, so I'm sure he can find a single woman, but at the moment he doesn't want anyone other than me.

I can only respond to that statement in the most generic of fashions: I want to be happy in 6 months or a year. I don't know what will make me happy.



We all want to be happy in 6 months or a year. But, when our happiness is ruining other people, is it really worth it?

I don't know what to say that can help you... it sounds like you really, honestly don't know what is going to make you happy. The pursuit of your own happiness should not be placed above the pursuit of a moral life.

You know, we all know that affairs are immoral and never right. Period. Hiding things like affairs from your partner only creates problems, never heals relationships.

You're right. It will probably destroy him... once he finds out about the affair. Because he will. Secrets always come out.

I honestly do hope that you are able to work through all of this and fix it. Honesty is the first step, in my opinion. You're living a lie if you are not honest with your husband and yourself.

You probably want to make things work with your husband and if it doesn't work out, you jump to your safety net, i.e. the 22 year old. You're definitely treating both men unfairly.

Someone is going to get hurt nor matter what. You made the choice of cheating on your husband, so face the consequences. You can't have your cake and eat it too. I'm sorry that I sound so harsh, but you have to make up your mind and stick with that decision.

The more you hang on to both men, the more confused you will be. Take whatever time you want to decide, but DO NOT lead both men on.

Either fix your marriage or break it off and be with the other guy.

As for telling your husband about the affair, I'm not entirely sure on that point. I agree that he deserves to know, but telling him would almost certaintly end the marriage.

I don't think that the issue is a choice between your husband or the toy boy.

I believe that the issue is you. You describe in your post someone that is irresponsible and incapable (or unwilling) to make a commitment. You describe someone that looks for easy answers outside of themselves and is incapable (or unwilling) to engage in self reflection.

In actual fact you're not ready to be in any sort of relationship because you've never taken the time or made the effort to know yourself. You look outside yourself for validation and when that doesn't work you move on.

There comes a time in all our lives, when a watershed is either created for us or by us. It is usually a crisis that forces us to reevaluate ourselves and our lives. This is your watershed.

The question is not what you are going to do about your marriage or the lover (although this seems to be the imperative) it is actually - what are you going to do about you?

Do you really want to continue to live your life in this dishonest fashion?
Does seeking gratification is this way actually make you feel good about yourself?
Are you comfortable discarding relationships or ignoring them when things are not going your way?

The situation that you are currently faced with is your opportunity to begin the process of being a real person, living a good life, respecting yourself and others.

Just quietly, I don't think you should be in any relationship until you can behave with some self awareness and be a responsible human being.

This is turning into a soap opera nightmare at this point. I got a text from the other guy's phone last night saying that it was his roommate and that the other guy is in the hospital, and that he left a note for the roommate to tell me that nothing is my fault and that he'll always love me for the happiness I gave him.

#1) I can't even tell if this is real or not. I called 4 hospitals in the area and he's not at any of them.
#2) My sister is telling me to sever all ties right now, and to not get hung up on this "hospital" thing because she thinks he is trying to manipulate me, and thinks it is unhealthy if I continue to talk to him.
#3) I can't help the fact that I am worried about him. I don't want any harm to come to him.
#4) I feel like a monster at this point.

@Gemini54

I agree with everything you've said. I've always chosen the easy way (for me) out, regardless of how it affects others involved. I'm not ever completely satisfied with what I have, and continually feel that the grass is greener on the other side.

I recently spoke with a tattoo artist about covering up a subpar tattoo that I have, and he asked me "What do you like?" and I could not answer him.

And no, I don't want to continue to live making similar bad choices as to what I have made in the past.

I guess I'm just not sure how to go about beginning "the process of being a real person, living a good life, respecting yourself and others"

This is turning into a soap opera nightmare at this point. I got a text from the other guy's phone last night saying that it was his roomate and that the other guy is in the hospital, and that he left a note for the roomate to tell me that nothing is my fault and that he'll always love me for the happiness I gave him.

#1) I can't even tell if this is real or not. I called 4 hospitals in the area and he's not at any of them.
#2) My sister is telling me to sever all ties right now, and to not get hung up on this "hospital" thing b/c she thinks he is trying to manipulate me, and thinks it is unhealthy if i continue to talk to him.
#3) I can't help the fact that I am worried about him. I don't want any harm to come to him.
#4) I feel like a monster at this point.



Does it matter if it's real or not? If it is real, will that change your course of action?

- Your sister is right - if he did do something to himself or did not, one way or the other he's manipulating you.

- Of course you're worried about him. I'm worried about a lot of people. I just don't get involved with them but it's really too late for that where you are concerned.

- I would feel more like a monster because now that this has happened you have no idea what the "other guy" is going to do next, including calling your husband - which brings us around to you feeling like a monster when he finds out from the "other guy." Or his roommate. Or somebody on his behalf.

This isn't a dramatic soap opera. This is a nightmare unless you like drama. You played with fire and I think you very well may get burned.

No big announcement here but the "other guy" is, at best, unstable and you have to head this off before he blows your life up.

I have said this before - I no longer have a lot of faith in the legal system (and I work in the legal system). I believe in karma - what goes around comes around.

What do you do? I don't know. What would I do? I'd tell my husband so that he would hear it from me and not from the "other guy" or his friends.

Newest update:

I received a text yesterday saying that he is in fact awake and that his roommate was bringing him his cell phone. Later I received a text from "other guy" saying he's sorry for putting me through anything and that he apparently fails at everything he does. I gave in and texted back, saying that I'm glad he's OK.

There's a part of me that wants to call him and check on him and make sure he's doing as well as can be expected, assuming the whole OD thing is in fact true.

I'm trying my best to not contact him, however it is driving me crazy. My sister is still adamant in thinking it was all a hoax to try to get me to leave and come to him, but I'm just not so sure...

I started talking to a man I met online. We correspond electronically and on the phone. We met for a couple days and I had an affair. He is 22. He says all the right things, about how he will make me happy, how he will never let me be the sole supporter of the family, how I should smile constantly, etc.

He says all the right things,anyone with half a brain who is pursuing someone says all the right things.That means nothing.Empty promises for all you know.Do you believe everything people tell you?
He is also using emotional blackmail on you by sort of threatening to do something.
You have growing up to do.You jump from one relationship to the next thinking a man can make you happy.
Happiness must come from yourself first and foremost.
You will never be any good in a relationship until you learn how to have a quality of life without a man in it.
Sever all ties with this child and try to understand how to be independent and stop looking to others for your happiness.You will always be wanting something more until you do.

I don't think your husband ever had a chance. I think the wedding was just something you thought you'd like to do, because at your age, well, you don't want to miss out on anything right?

That you met your boyfriend online, means you were actively pursuing something innapropriate for a married woman. You had chances long before you decided to set up a secret meeting with him for two days. You had to deceive your husband as to your whereabouts, make arrangements to cover your tracks, i.e. cell phone, computer emails etc. and meet at a location that you wouldn't likely be seen in by somebody that knows you.

Then you romp in the hay for two days with this hapless guy who has been strug along by your complaints of 'not being happy'. You give him the impression that you are needy, lacking in love and affection, and anything else you said to him to indicate that you were available. You weren't probably looking for long term when you decided to meet this online guy, although I suspect that you would have dumped your husband like a hot potato if the online guy looked like a good catch.

It seems like the online guy has some problems, that you contributed to. Whether he is deceiving you, or trying to manipulate you with a bogus claim of an OD that landed him in hospital, you have hurt him too.

Now that you realize that the online boyfriend is missing a few taco's short a combination plate, your husband doesn't look so bad. You feeling like you need to make sure the boyfriend is okay is not honest in my opinion. You want to know that your dirty little secret is safe, and it's easier to say you 'care' about him, that what I think the real reason is, and that is, you are afraid, but you like the drama at the same time, and you really don't give two hoots about either man.

I think your husband is going to find out one way or the other. Your online boyfriend has a few screws loose, and will obviously go to great lengths to get you back. I think you are well aware that he'll likely contact your husband. You won't be the first one to have an affair bite you in the *ss.

You are using both men. You need to drop the boyfriend, and explain everything to your husband, IF you are sincere in working on your new marriage, which I highly doubt.

I think it would be good for you to be on your own where you can't hurt anybody until you grow up a bit and learn what honesty, integrity, marriage vows, and fidelity means.

It is my opinion that you need to face consequences for your actions, and realize that you can't so something so horrendous to your husband, that the consequences won't be severe.

newest update:

I received a text yesterday saying that he is in fact awake and that his roomate was bringing him his cell phone. Later I received a text from "other guy" saying he's sorry for putting me through anything and that he apparently fails at everything he does. I gave in and texted back, saying that I'm glad he's ok.

There's a part of me that wants to call him and check on him and make sure he's doing as well as can be expected, assuming the whole OD thing is in fact true.

I'm trying my best to not contact him, however it is driving me crazy. My sister is still adamant in thinking it was all a hoax to try to get me to leave and come to him, but I'm just not so sure...



Again - does it matter if it's a hoax? Maybe he was in the hospital. Maybe he wasn't. Maybe the "other guy" is a hoax. Maybe he isn't.

I simply don't understand why you care. Either way the boyfriend sure appears to be a loser in my eyes!

If you want to spend some time - a few days, weeks, months, years - with a guy who either tried to commit suicide (or whatever reason there was for his hospitalization although, quite frankly under the circumstances I can't think of one) OR who faked hospitalization OR has a friend who helped him fake hospitalization - then it's up to you. You asked for advice. We all gave it. I know it's not easy to hear it sometimes. We are strangers to you. We don't have a mindset in either direction. I think the boyfriend is plain out bad news - and possibly psychotic.

My concern with all of this is that you continue to live with your husband, one foot in that world and one foot in the boyfriend's world.

At least be honest with your husband if you can't be honest with yourself.

I also would be VERY concerned that his "friend" (and possibly ALL his "friends") know about your relationship. I'd tell your husband before someone else does.

You are dealing with minimally one unstable individual. Who knows what mental condition his friends are in.

I had a conversation recently to the effect that every woman (if she's lucky) has the wrong man in her life at some point so that she can appreciate the right man when she meets him - hopefully she meets the wrong one before she meets the right one. I'm not saying your husband is right for you. Very possibly he's not.

But give your husband the chance to find some happiness instead of dragging this marriage along.

I think your husband is going to find out one way or the other. Your online boyfriend has a few screws loose, and will obviously go to great lengths to get you back. I think you are well aware that he'll likely contact your husband. You won't be the first one to have an affair bite you in the *ss.

Can't spread the love ,maybe later :) this crazy dude will be at the door,you just know from him immature behavior its only a question of when .
My good friends who have been married for 35 yrs. Just split up because of cheating.Him the cheater.
It's a family destroyed.
You hit it all the time Jake,really!

I had a conversation recently to the effect that every woman (if she's lucky) has the wrong man in her life at some point so that she can appreciate the right man when she meets him - hopefully she meets the wrong one before she meets the right one. I'm not saying your husband is right for you. Very possibly he's not.

Isn't that a sucky way to think? LOL That was funny and possibly true but I sure the fudge hope not.If so we are in a lot of trouble.We have to teach our upcoming girls different!

Isn't that a sucky way to think? LOL That was funny and possibly true but I sure the fudge hope not.If so we are in a lot of trouble.We have to teach our upcoming girls different!


I'm not saying the wrong man has to be psycho - I'm just saying he has to be the wrong man.

And, yes, hopefully our daughters are stronger/smarter/something else.

I'm not saying the wrong man has to be psycho - I'm just saying he has to be the wrong man.

And, yes, hopefully our daughters are stronger/smarter/something else.

I think all of us strong intelligent women and men around her tell it like it is to the girls and the boys!
I'm trying to wrap my head around that and I don't know if I am .
Relationships are so friggin complicated.
Its all because Men don't communicate! I'm serious! :eek:
There are like little kids. :eek:

I think all of us strong intelligent women and men around her tell it like it is to the girls and the boys!
I'm trying to wrap my head around that and I don't know if I am .
Relationships are so friggin complicated.
Its all because Men don't communicate! I'm serious! :eek:
There are like little kids. :eek:

C'mon just kidding! Stop the hate mail :) LOL

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year, and have been together a little over 2.

Our relationship was great (at least better) pre-wedding. However, the stress on me during wedding planning and changing jobs and other life-issues put a damper on our relationship during the time of our wedding. I overlooked some potential issues I had with him because I was so busy planning. I let it consume me, and stopped working on our relationship.

To make a long story short, I'm not sure I can ever be happy in a relationship. There is always someone else out there that strikes me as better, more interesting, more fun, etc. Prior to my husband, I would just go from one serious relationship to the next, with no downtime. I have never really been single. I am 28.

Neither my husband nor myself put any effort into our relationship. He has not worked a real job in the time we've been together, and I have supported us through most of it. He was unsure of what career path in life he wanted to take, and spent most of the time playing video games and being depressed. We stopped doing things socially and stopped doing anything fun together. We stopped communicating with one another.

I started talking to a man I met online. We correspond electronically and on the phone. We met for a couple days and I had an affair. He is 22. He says all the right things, about how he will make me happy, how he will never let me be the sole supporter of the family, how I should smile constantly, etc.

It has been 3 months since I started talking to this guy, and I finally filled my husband in on some of the issues that we have that we both need to work on. My husband is willing to put in the work and effort to fix us, and I decided that I am as well.

However, the young man will not understand this. He thinks that because I've never been that happy in my marriage, I won't ever be. He is saying he is going to leave his home state tonight and move closer to me. He has also mentioned some alarming things that make me think he may hurt himself. I am concerned for him, and I hate making people unhappy.

I don't know what to do. 75% of me knows I should give my marriage with my husband a fair shot, with us both trying to make it right, thereby cutting off contact completely with the younger man. 25% of me wants to just up and leave, and comfort the other guy and make sure he is ok, and hope for happiness with him.

I realize I was wrong in getting involved with the young man, and that I definitely deserve any tough choices and heartbreak I endure during this process. I'm not sure this is even much of a question anymore. Typing this out has helped me to see it in a new perspective perhaps, but my main issue is that "what if" nagging feeling... What if I am passing up on something wonderful to stay not happy for the rest of my life?

You have an affair with a guy you met on the internet while doing what? Hunting. You said that you were stressed by planning the wedding, new job, issues... And you stopped working on the relationship. What was the rush? Those things should have been "worked out" BEFORE you said yes. Now you have an affair with a 22 year old, for what? To make you feel better? Did it work? He's 22, just really starting to become an adult, and he meets a woman 6 years older, who rocks his world. Did you think he WOULDN'T follow you around like a little puppy? When asked if you actually told your husband about him, you said " I just couldn't do that to him", but you could CHEAT on him. You decided that you MIGHT want to stay with your husband, and talk to him about HIM working on some issues. Meanwhile the 22 year old is lovestruck,lovesick, whatever you want to call it, and threatens to hurt himself just to play games, and you fall for it, worried about HIM more than your husband.
I think you OWE it to your husband to tell him the truth, and hope and pray that he will keep you. I think that the fact that you chased after a younger guy like that, shows immaturity on your part. Like someone said, YOU have work to do. On commitment, honesty,etc. Does the fact that he's unemployed, depressed, and plays games, make all of this mess right? You shouldn't have gotten married yet, but YOU DID. Deal with it. You can start by coming clean.

What did your vows say? Was honor in there somewhere?

If I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry. But you THINK you have a choice of two men. NOT really, not yet you don't.

Now that you realize that the online boyfriend is missing a few taco's short a combination plate, your husband doesn't look so bad. You feeling like you need to make sure the boyfriend is okay is not honest in my opinion. You want to know that your dirty little secret is safe, and it's easier to say you 'care' about him, that what I think the real reason is, and that is, you are afraid, but you like the drama at the same time, and you really don't give two hoots about either man.


I have agreed and come to terms with many things that have been said on this forum, as I realize you all spare no feelings when giving your advice or thoughts on a situation. However, this paragraph is completely untrue. In all honestly, I was actually concerned for the young man's well being. It's hard to think about someone you care for (albeit illicitly) laying in a hospital bed unconscious. And I am pretty certain my "dirty little secret" is safe for now, unless I choose to disclose that information with my husband. And to say I don't give a hoot about my husband is a falsity as well. I realize it's easy to say I don't because of my behavior, but I honestly do love him.

He's 22, just really starting to become an adult, and he meets a woman 6 years older, who rocks his world. Did you think he WOULDN'T follow you around like a little puppy? When asked if you actually told your husband about him, you said " I just couldn't do that to him", but you could CHEAT on him. You decided that you MIGHT want to stay with your husband, and talk to him about HIM working on some issues.


I guess I never really thought that men would follow an older woman around like a puppy. I guess I've always assumed men always want younger, skinnier, etc.

And you are incorrect in saying about my husband that that I talked to him about HIM working on some issues. We talked about things that we both need to work on and do. It was definitely not one-sided.

I guess I never really thought that men would follow an older woman around like a puppy. I guess I've always assumed men always want younger, skinnier, etc.

And you are incorrect in saying about my husband that that I talked to him about HIM working on some issues. We talked about things that we both need to work on and do. It was definitely not one-sided.

You need to talk to him about the other guy.

Well, you all were right. I'm not sure if I didn't believe you or thought myself invincible, or what. But now I am in more of a living nightmare, all of which I created and deserve. I am not complaining, perhaps it's even therapeutic in some sick way. After 6 months of no contact with the young man, he out of the blue finds a way to contact my husband and break the news.

Just wanted to confirm your predictions.

Well, you all were right. I'm not sure if I didn't believe you or thought myself invincible, or what. But now I am in more of a living nightmare, all of which I created and deserve. I am not complaining, perhaps it's even therapeutic in some sick way. After 6 months of no contact with the young man, he out of the blue finds a way to contact my husband and break the news.

Just wanted to confirm your predictions.

Sorry to hear that. It's called karma.

As I said previously, this is not about your husband or the toy boy - this is about you taking responsibility for your actions.

Your toy boy found a way of forcing you to do that.

Fate moves in mysterious ways.