This isn't really an addiction, but I'm not sure where else to put it.

So last night I took nine tylenol extra strengths (500mg each). I know I shouldn't, and I don't do it often. Just every once in a while something upsets me when I am already overwhelemed/tired, and I just want to do something drastic and potentially dangerous. The only other time I take more than the recommended amount is if my cramps are bad, I may take four.

I used to mess with benadryl due to my developing bad, persistent allegergies when I was 14 or 15. It wasn't with an intent to get high. I stopped after the hallucinations and because it made me feel like crap. So I know I can stop being stupid about tylenol as well.

So my question is, how likely is it I've done any long term damage to my body? And what may I have harmed? Liver? Kidneys? Brain? Should I have myself checked to make sure I'm okay? Or is it enough if I stop? Because I'm still sincerely concerned I hurt myself with the benadryl, and the most I ever took of that was six.

Thanks.

The liver is damage with Tylenol (Acetamenophin). It would be wise to have a liver function test done.

Tylenol (also called acetaminophen) is the number one cause of liver failure in the united states. Liver failure is deadly. The treatment for liver failure is a liver transplant--if you can get a liver. You are playing russian roulette with a drug that is not safe.

You need a safer way to deal both with your stress and your cramps.
So go see an gynecologist and say you've been taking too much acetaminophen; get a liver function test; tell the doctor about your cramps.

Then ask about seeing someone about your difficulty dealing with stress. Do NOT let anyone prescribe an anti-anxiety medication such as valium or Xanax. With your tendencies, you don't want to be anywhere near anything that dangerous or addictive. I'm thinking counseling, exercise, and meditation would be better options.

What kinds of things upset and overwhelm you so much that you reach for the tylenol?

Try and find other more natural things to relieve stress like vitamin B complex, drinking herbal tea such as chamomile, soaking in a tub of warm/hot water, listening to relaxing music, burning lavender or sandalwood candles.

If you feel you really need the Tylenol try taking one every 10 to 20 minutes until you start feeling better because it takes that long for them to kick in.
There is no reason to be taking 9 at once (don't know if that is how you did do it)

I took 9 in about an hour. I took 5, got a shower, then took 4, because I really wasn't sure I wanted to risk that much. I knew I shouldn't and was kind of afraid I might not wake up because I don't know how much is enough to kill you (not my goal), but I was upset. Part of me wanted to punish myself and part of me wanted a break from myself and my thoughts.

Last time I did this was a week ago when I took a cocktail (3 tylenol extra strength, 3 alieve, 2 asprin). That was because I was in cramped living quarters late one night on vacation with family and it set off my germ anxiety. I was also upset because of the lack of privacy and personal space-I'm not a big fan of crowds.

I usually do it when I feel like a horrible person. Either because of something I did, past or present, or because something reminds me I'm not happy with myself.

When I did it two nights ago it was because someone died recently who everyone loved but me due to something that may or may not have happened in the past between us. It made me feel horrible for almost getting him in trouble when everyone else thinks he's an angel, and I still don't know what really happened because I was 12 and confused and lost what I thought happened very quickly. I was upset that I almost hurt someone without all the facts and that I'll never know what really happened because he's dead and he's the only one that would know what happened, if anything.


And my cramps are no longer really an issue as I started birth control a few months ago. It seems to have helped.

You need to find some constructive ways of dealing with things.
Maybe read up on books that have to do with self improvement and improving self image and find hobbies that calm you.

Have you begun to seek counseling for your problems? This might just be the way to go for you rather than to wreak havoc on your liver.

I agree that counseling would be a good idea. BUT I think you should take some care in picking the right counselor--someone you feel comfortable with. I read some of your previous posts and it sounds like you haven't felt well treated by some of the doctors you've seen.

As for the recent death, it sounds like you might be saying you think you may have been subject to some sexual abuse (or other mistreatment) but you are not sure. If that's true, I can see why this person's death and the praise heaped on the person would be really upsetting. I hope that you can find a way to talk about this issue in a way that feel safe to you. I am getting that you can't talk to family about it, at least not now. Is it possible for you to see a psychologist? If not, you can talk here.

The feelings you are talking about -- feeling overwhelmed, unheard, anger turned on yourself--I can understand. It sounds like you are a bit depressed. But it also sounds like you may have some good reasons for feeling that way--i.e. you may want to plan how to make your life better for you rather than just taking a pill to make the feelings go away. That's something you can explore here, too, if you want.

I do hope you will stop taking large amounts of Tylenol when you are stressed.

I go to college next week at a major university with a hospital. I can probably do the liver function test, if it is really necessary, or at least get a consult.

I'm not entirely sure my issues warrant therapy, and I wouldn't know what to say. The tylenol and other past problems you may have read, I plan to prevent by cutting myself off. For example, I can't be tempted to overdose on tylenol if I don't have it. There are other remedies for headaches and things; I don't need medicine. It's just so easy here. I think I can fix things myself, I just wanted to know if there's a decent chance I hurt my body being stupid.

But if I do one day decide my problems are bad enough that I need therapy, my university provides it for free. At least initially.


My mom, at least, knows about the issue with that guy. Not that he's dead, but back when it first happened, I told her my concern and she insisted on calling the school. That upset me and I threatened to never tell her anything ever again and made her call them back and tell them I was wrong and I misunderstood. However, they insisted on talking to me anyway. I talked to the assistant principal not even five minutes, didn't even sit down, and the matter was dropped. I'm hoping he never found out about it, because I was 12 and I'm naturally sensitive, so I probably completely overreacted and it was a big misunderstanding. All I know is that he made me uncomfortable and I was terrified of him, but I can't say if what I thought happened happened or if my fears were warranted.

I wasn't there, but you sound perceptive and articulate, and I think a healthy, normal interaction with an adult male should not make any student feel terrified or uncomfortable. My gut feeling is that you had some reason to be uncomfortable and afraid of him. Trust yourself.

Edit: Lots of people with inappropriate tendencies are good at concealing their behavior and becoming very popular with other people.

Glad to hear you have access to good medical care if you want it. There are safer alternatives to acetaminophen, including ibuprofen and aspirin. Of course, large doses of ibuprofen are bad for your kidneys and too much aspirin can lead to ulcers. The key is moderation. All the NSAIDs (aspirin, ibuprofen, aleve) work in approximately the same way. Acetaminophen is somewhat different.

Last month the Food and Drug Administration issued a warning about acetaminophen overdose and liver damage and also lowered the maximum daily safe dose from 4000 mg to 2600 mg. Acetaminophen is mixed into lots of other medicines, so it's easy to take more than you intend. Since you took 9 X 500 mg. that's 4500 mg, exceeding the old limit as well as the new one. There are cases of people having liver failure even while NOT exceeding the old recommended maximum dosage (that is 4000). So I really think you should get tested, especially if you have done this repeatedly.

Here's a story about this from the Philadelphia Inquirer.
FDA panel backs cut in maximum Tylenol dosage | Philadelphia Inquirer | 07/01/2009 (http://www.philly.com/inquirer/local/20090701_FDA_panel_backs_cut_in_maximum_Tylenol_do sage.html)


The advisory panel recommended decreasing the maximum daily dose to 2,600 milligrams from 4,000 milligrams. A single pill of a medication such as Extra Strength Tylenol is 500 milligrams.

The FDA cited research showing that acetaminophen overdoses led to 56,000 emergency-room visits, 26,000 hospitalizations, and 458 deaths from 1990 through 1998.

artlady agrees: New studies have made it clear that this is one OTC med that should be taken with more caution.

Agreed. But not all the data suggesting that acetaminophen/Tylenol is risky is that new. "32 years"!




The connection between acetaminophen and liver damage has been on the FDA's radar screen for years. The consumer-advocacy group Public Citizen has been pushing the FDA to reduce recommended doses of the drug since at least 2002.

Sidney Wolfe, director of Public Citizen Health Research Group and a member of the FDA panel that voted yesterday, said a similar panel first had recommended adding a warning about the risk of liver damage to labels of drugs containing acetaminophen 32 years ago.

The FDA finally insisted on those warnings in April, a precursor to yesterday's recommendation on dosage.

Wolfe said that he wasn't sure why the action had taken so long, but guessed that industry pressure on the FDA had played a role.

Well, I don't think I do it that much. Twice in two weeks was probably coincidence, but I can't be sure how much I have done it. I will get checked though, just because it would be nice not to have to worry about it anymore. By law, they can't do anything but give advice and treat me, correct?

And I'm on my parents insurance, so would they find out about it?

Thank you, everyone.

I took 14 last night.

Tylenol causes liver damage.

Please follow this thread...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/bereavement/starby-you-will-never-forgotten-387412.html

Have you planned your funeral?

She killed herself? Accidental overdose? Liver disease?

I don't know what I was trying to do exactly. I just know that I'm a little scared right now. I keep raising the bar.

She killed herself? Accidental overdose? Liver disease?

I don't know what I was trying to do exactly. I just know that I'm a little scared right now. I keep raising the bar.

You need to seek psychological help. What you are doing is akin to cutting yourself or other means of self harm.

Tylonol is not a drug of abuse... its not an addiction. Its something probably more severe.

Please get professional help.

You need to seek psychological help. What you are doing is akin to cutting yourself or other means of self harm.

Tylonol is not a drug of abuse... its not an addiction. Its something probably more severe.

Please get professional help.



I have a history of cutting/burning.

The idea of actually sitting down next to someone with the power to do something and with no idea of the possible consequences of subjecting to myself to such a person; is very intimidating.

I have a history of cutting/burning.

The idea of actually sitting down next to someone with the power to do something and with no idea of the possible consequences of subjecting to myself to such a person; is very intimidating.

Unless you pose a clear threat to yourself or others, they have no power. Seeking help shows you are interested in health, not death.

I wouldn't be considered a threat to myself if I occasionally cut or od on tylenol?

I need to change, but I wouldn't even know where to begin.

A dozen Tylenol isn't going to kill you - at least not quickly. It will slowly though. But it appears as though time is making this worse for you.

The place to begin is speaking to a professional. Either medical or school counselor that can get you the help you need. It might not be possible to help yourself right now.

There is a center here that offers free counseling, but I wouldn't even begin to know where to find it. I'd feel so weird asking about it and going into it. Then I have a hard time saying these things in person. All I could offer them are facts, not feelings.

The more time that passes after I do something stupid, the less I see the need for help. I keep saying I won't do it again, but I always do. I probably should, but I'm afraid to.





I think part of it is going alone of my own accord.

Don't worry about feelings. Just start with facts. A professional is trained to deal with people in all sorts of stages of crisis. They will be able to get out of you what they need. Its part of the process.

Try Google to find it. Or the local bulletin boards.

If you live in the U.S. and they think you are a danger to yourself, that you are actually trying to kill yourself, they will certainly at least consider putting you under observation for a day or two.

For example, in California:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/5150_(Involuntary_psychiatric_hold)

Are you trying to kill yourself? This is unclear to me.

So what happens when you take 14 Tylenol? How did you feel?

I wasn't trying to kill myself, but I didn't rule it out as a possible consequence either. I think I was more hoping that if I got sick or passed out or something, someone might help me do what I'm unable, afraid, to do myself. I think I've made it as obvious as I can without flat out asking someone for help that I could use some support. The problem is, no one seems to understand or realize how much I'm struggling. Sometimes I seem perfectly fine. Even I question if I really need help or just need to get over myself. My life hasn't been as bad as a lot of people, and they're fine. I feel like I just annoy or scare people when I try to say what's going on with me or why I am the way I am. I feel like my problems aren't valid, and I shouldn't be this way.

It's hard to explain how I felt after fourteen. Last night, just kind of tired. My pulse seemed slow, and I think I was shaking a little. This morning I felt tired and it seemed like my pulse quickened whenn it wouldn't normally. I had a hard time focusing in class. When I woke up, I was a little nautious and just wanted to lay there. I felt a bit better when I ate something. Cold too.

I don't know how much of that was actually from the tylenol and how much was just me freaking out about what I did.

Is there someone that you can trust to get you the help you need if they were told?

Is it possible to get them an anonymous message? Is that something you could do?

A friend, kind of, knows what I did last night. He's 26 and currently in another state. I texted him, and when he found out I took 14 tylenol he said "...Quit doing stupid sh*t". He claims he doesn't mind me venting to him at all, but I don't think he'd help either. Then my closest friends are in another state as well (I'm in college), and I don't think I can expect them to know how to help me. They don't know how bad I get, really.

It would feel wrong if I asked someone straight to help me. I can't put that pressure on someone.

A friend, kind of, knows what I did last night. He's 26 and currently in another state. I texted him, and when he found out I took 14 tylenol he said "...Quit doing stupid sh*t". He claims he doesn't mind me venting to him at all, but I don't think he'd help either. Then my closest friends are in another state as well (I'm in college), and I don't think I can expect them to know how to help me. They don't know how bad I get, really.

It would feel wrong if I asked someone straight to help me. I can't put that pressure on someone.

Then ask someone who's job it is to take that pressure off you. Do you have a professor you trust? RA? Someone from the school...

Just say "Listen... I have this problem and I dont know where to turn... can you please help me figure it out?"

I don't know ANYONE that wouldn't try to help... and I know some pretty bad people.

It's only the second day of classes and I'm from out of state. I don't know anyone really yet. My one RA seems cool, but he's still only a sophomore. I don't think I should put this on a peer.


I think I'm probably eventually either going to mess up enough that someone has to help me or just force myself to go find a counsellor. I don't think I'm quite strong enough or desperate enough for the latter yet though..

I still want to believe I can do this alone, but I keep slipping up..

How about forcing yourself now, before you really slip up and do something that cannot be recovered from... how about a stroke? Would you rather live the rest of your life as a stroke victim? How about needing a liver transplant? Amputee?

You need help now... not when it gets 'really bad'. Its already really bad.

BE strong enough. Or tell your parents. Or call a hotline. Or the local hospital.

Suffering in silence will not get you the help you need.

You think I'm really that bad off? It's not all the time. My last overdose of nine was when I started this thread like twenty days ago. I haven't cut/burned in a couple months. I just tend to relapse when I feel particularly awful the way I did last night. If I keep distracted, it's better. I just don't have any distractions here yet. When I think too much, I get hopeless.


I will never tell my parents.

Amputee from a tylenol overdose?

You think I'm really that bad off? It's not all the time. My last overdose of nine was when I started this thread like twenty days ago. I haven't cut/burned in a couple months. I just tend to relapse when I feel particularly awful the way I did last night. If I keep distracted, it's better. I just don't have any distractions here yet. When I think too much, I get hopeless.


I will never tell my parents.

Amputee from a tylenol overdose?

Amputee from cutting... infection, gangrene, amputation...

And yes, I think you are bad enough off to seek help. Today its 14 Tylenol... what is tomorrow... 14 vicoden? See what I am getting at?

Getting the help you need will prevent you from getting like you were last night or worse. That's the idea.

I guess I see what you mean, considering that I'm tempted again. I doubt I'd ever get my hands on vicodin though, and I always sterylized what I used.

I just wish I had one person I could count on.

I guess I see what you mean, considering that I'm tempted again. I doubt I'd ever get my hands on vicodin though, and I always sterylized what I used.

I just wish I had one person I could count on.

You have one person... you.

What if I'm not enough?


...

I always sterylized what I used.


Unless you have an autoclave, whatever you are using is NOT sterilized.

Cutting can end up bleeding to death in a very fast amount of time.

The person I mentioned before (the thread I gave) did not commit suicide quickly, but over time she deteriorated her liver by alcohol abuse. The liver does not regenerate, and you may not be eligible for a liver transplant if you have these suicidal ideations.

You need to seek help now, not later, not tomorrow, TODAY!

I think that all I want is just one person to care and listen and be there for me. I feel like I'm there for my friends, with advice or even tough love (when my friend was getting drunk and going off with random guys and almost raped). It's just like, all my friends can say is "I'm sorry" or "cheer up" or "I wish I could help you". I know it's not their job to give me the support or advice I need, but I usually end up apologising for leaning on them. Then the only people I have who would care and help are my parents, which is a definite no, or this 21 year old I met online who thinks he's in love with me and wants to "have me", basically. I think if I had even one close friend who'd be half as committed as I would be if one of my friends felt this way, or one normal guy who thought I was amazing; then I wouldn't hate myself so much and feel like such a disease.

It's hard for me to talk to my friends though even because I lost a lot when my problems began. I talk to people online more, but I'm afraid of losing even them.

I'm okay alone until it gets late and I'm sitting in my room. Or when it's time to eat and it's just me. Or when I have to listen to all the things my friends and roommate did with their other friends. I can't be social either. I feel like I'm annoying and ugly, so I don't force my presence on others. I'd rather be known as a loner than a creep.

I used rubbing alcohol to clean when cutting and assumed burning the metal would suffice when burning. Then I always cared for my wounds. I never really bled, just scarred.
I was tempted to use the tylenol again, but I didn't.


In the end, I don't feel like I can make new friends or have a boyfriend until I fix myself. It's an endless cycle..

I think that all I want is just one person to care and listen and be there for me. I feel like I'm there for my friends, with advice or even tough love (when my friend was getting drunk and going off with random guys and almost raped). It's just like, all my friends can say is "I'm sorry" or "cheer up" or "I wish I could help you". I know it's not their job to give me the support or advice I need, but I usually end up apologising for leaning on them. Then the only people I have who would care and help are my parents, which is a definite no, or this 21 year old I met online who thinks he's in love with me and wants to "have me", basically. I think if I had even one close friend who'd be half as committed as I would be if one of my friends felt this way, or one normal guy who thought I was amazing; then I wouldn't hate myself so much and feel like such a disease.

It's hard for me to talk to my friends though even because I lost a lot when my problems began. I talk to people online more, but I'm afraid of losing even them.

I'm okay alone until it gets late and I'm sitting in my room. Or when it's time to eat and it's just me. Or when I have to listen to all the things my friends and roommate did with their other friends. I can't be social either. I feel like I'm annoying and ugly, so I don't force my presence on others. I'd rather be known as a loner than a creep.

I used rubbing alcohol to clean when cutting and assumed burning the metal would suffice when burning. Then I always cared for my wounds. I never really bled, just scarred.
I was tempted to use the tylenol again, but I didn't.


In the end, I don't feel like I can make new friends or have a boyfriend until I fix myself. It's an endless cycle..

Cleaning the blade does not make cutting yourself any better.

If you want to fix yourself, you need to stop sitting around hoping someone will do it for you. Ever heard the expression "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink"? You have been lead to the help... its up to you to get it.

You have to be strong to admit that you are that messed up that you need a professional to sort you out and shove you in the right direction. Even so, it feels weak to me if I can't do it by myself. I don't know. It's so hard for me to do that-I'm still not willing to accept I'm that bad. Plus you have to trust some stranger to keep your secrets and help you and not lock you up. I think I could do it alone if I had support, but I don't. Do you get what I'm saying, or am I just dumb?

You have to be strong to admit that you are that messed up that you need a professional to sort you out and shove you in the right direction. Even so, it feels weak to me if I can't do it by myself. I don't know. It's so hard for me to do that-I'm still not willing to accept I'm that bad. Plus you have to trust some stranger to keep your secrets and help you and not lock you up. I think I could do it alone if I had support, but I don't. Do you get what I'm saying, or am I just dumb?

Call it what you want - its just making excuses. You cannot make excuses when it comes to your life. You can't fool yourself.

What you are looking for IS the support that a therapist brings.

You are obviously not dumb and I get what you are saying. But I wonder why you feel that getting help is weak. And also why your parents are not there for you. Do they think people shouldn't need help? It seems to me that when people really get into trouble, like I feel you are, it's because they don't have family or friends to fall back on. So it's a vicious circle. So how did that start for you? How did you start to feel so isolated?

Anyway, you are where you are. So regardless of how you got there, it's time to start digging yourself out. I really think you should find a counselor who understands your issues. Hold out for someone you like and who knows at least a little about self harm. The counselor is legally required to keep your words confidential. If you can afford to pay yourself (instead of insurance) and you tell them not to take notes, that increases your safety in terms of confidentiality.

I would make sure that you are clear that you are not trying to kill yourself. Let there be no doubt about that. And please, please stop taking the overdoses of tylenol. Cutting yourself is disfiguring, but you know you can heal from it. Your liver is not as resilient as your skin, so please don't do that. (And I'm not advocating cutting. :))

PS. When I said hold out for the right counselor, I meant shop around in a serious way, as though you were picking a school to go to or a buying a car. Make it a serious decision. I did not mean to use "not liking therapists" as a reason not to do it!

Also, in every therapeutic relationship--like any intimate one--you eventually run into misunderstandings and possibly hurt feelings. It's important to be up front about that, to talk it out, rather than just stop going. So if you initially like someone and then they do something you don't like, TELL them and give them a chance to make it right. Of course, if they don't or their explanation seems lame and you give them more chances and eventually decide they are not a good person for you to be around, then find someone else.

But find someone to start working with on your isolation and self loathing.

Also, start making friends in real life. It will seem like work at first, but if you find someone you like, you'll start to look forward to seeing them and the next friend will be easier. I found a great friend when I answered an ad for a walking partner. I thought it would be just exercise once or twice a week, but we really hit it off and we've been friends for four years now.

I've been isolated too. You can do this.

No, I didn't mean my parents wouldn't help. They would be there for me in a second. It's just that my dad is often kind of depressed himself, and I don't need either of them sad over me. They already worry about me and have suggested I talk to someone in the past when most of the crap in my life was happening. I refused then though because I felt like they were implying I was crazy. That was before I even started cutting (age 12).

Also, anything I tell my mom goes to my dad and vice versa. Anything they know goes to the rest of the family usually. I don't want everyone thinking I'm insane or watching me extra close or worrying. My one cousin, who I never see anymore, always used to see right through me and know I wasn't okay (he was as there for me as I let him be). I don't want everyone in on my problems.

I used to have a lot of friends, but stuff happened and I didn't always fill them in because I'd rather deal on my own and I was, in some cases, embarrassed. Then I started egtting depressed, and they didn't get it. In middle school, you don't want to hang out with the girl who is often sad and quiet. I retained some close friends and stayed friendly aquaintances with the others. I think they thought I was melodramatic.

Overdosing is easier to do and hide than cutting, I have found. I will try to stop though. I've been trying. I may just flush the bottle, but it feels like a waste and weaker than outright resistance.

I don't want to subject anymore people to the mess I can be, and so I can never get close with people because that means letting them know I'm a little messed up. I don't try to invite people to my problems, and I don't really trust them to stick around either. I right people off as jerks a lot too-I'm not great with second chances.

It scares me that, even if I do get better, I'll still have to let people in on my past someday..

Still unsure of counselling.. if I could do it like this, online, maybe..

I'm scared, I took 21. I think I should puke, but it's hard to do quietly in a dorm. What do I do? If I flush the rest now and wait it out, will I survive? I'm such an idiot.



I really really don't want to throw up. Please help..

I wish I could give you a hug.

Look, I'm going to try to reason with you. If you keep taking more, you will make yourself dangerously sick and have to go the hospital. Someone will just find you on the floor and then they will call 911, your parents and everybody is going to know anyway. That's where this is leading.

On the other hand, if you call your mom right now and say, I really need your help, but I also really need to know that you will keep this between you and dad and not tell the whole family. Can I trust you to do that?" Then you are going to have some control over how this plays out.

I understand about being a sad teen. My mother was killed when I was 14 and my father was remote and depressed the whole time I was growing up, so it was like being orphaned. Life does get better. Give it a chance.

I'm going to look up tylenol overdosing now. Please stop.

I'm not going to take anymore, and I don't want to die. I can't believe I just did that. I just really don't want to throw up if I don't have to. I can handle feeling like crap, but I'm not ready to die. If I have to throw up, I will.


I'm looking into the free counselling. It can't be as scary as this.

You are closing in on enough to kill you. 20 pills killed a teenager a couple of years ago. (She took them for a migraine headache.) I don't know how big you are, but maybe 14 if you took them all at once will kill you. The dose will reach peak blood levels in a half hour to two hours.

I think you should call 911 right now.

Yeah. Throw them up if you can.

You can also call:
The Poison Help hotline 1-800-222-1222

I will hang out here and check in.

I just threw up. A lot. It wasn't that long ago I took them so... if I start feeling bad, I'll tell ym RA. Do you think that should be okay?

I'm 5'5 and 1/4 and weighed 121 a couple weeks ago. I think I probably lost a little weight though since then.

If I called poison, they could probably trace my number. I'm just scared I didn't throw up enough. This is so gross. Do you think I'll be okay?

I'm really relieved to hear you threw up! Thank you for telling me...

I don't know enough pharmacology to know if that's enough, but you sound pretty thin. I really think you should call the poison control number. They'll be able to advise you better.

Well, is there a campus clinic you can go to? Your life is frankly more important than your privacy.

Or call from a pay phone.

I don't want to bring professionals into this unless I have to. I'm afraid of what they'd do. I'm not looking to die. Maybe I was okay with it when I took them, but not two seconds after. I was just upset, and cutting didn't help.

I'm thinking mayeb I will try something semi harmless. Like group therapy for adjusting to college or something. Maybe, if that works, I can try something more personal.

There is a hospital, but I'm not sure exactly how to get there. Like I said, I'd rather not. I threw up maybe twenty minutes after I took them so.. I don't know. I took 14 and was okay, so seven more.. this is by far the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life.

I'm glad you are ready to try counseling. But you really need to tell your parents that you need help and you really need to STOP taking tylenol.

Here's the article about the teen who died in 2003 from taking 20 of the same strength you just took (500 mg).

Teenager Dies from Acetaminophen Overdose (http://headaches.about.com/cs/medicationsusage/a/acet_death.htm)

I'm really just concerned with not dying right now. My head feels maybe a little odd, but it could be paranoia and adrenaline too. I don't want to bring this to my RA unless I'm certain there is a problem. I don't need that on my record. I can't tell ym parents, they'd drive the full eight hours out here tonight. I'm not going to put them at risk or scare them if I don't have to. If I'm okay tonight and try counselling and get better, then maybe I will fill them in when I'm okay.

Okay. I do understand. Sorry for getting a little bossy. I was freaked. I hope you are okay. But I have no way to tell from here.

Part of growing up is learning that you can't take care of everything by yourself. There is a reason that humans are social animals. Sometimes you will need to ask for help when you really need it--like now. You need someone to hold you and get you to the doctor if that's what's needed, or just listen to you and be there if you are okay physically.

At other times in your life, you will be there when someone needs your help.

I don't know if I'm okay yet. I'm still scared. I wish I did have someone here with me to hold me, butI don't. And I won't until I get my crap together.

I feel like I'm hurting everyone, but they don't know I'm not right and that they should stay away. My parents, especially my dad, miss me so much. They keep calling and emailing, and it's just making me irritable with them because I want them to back off. I don't want them to see me like this. I hate it so much. Then I did this because this guy basically called me annoying. That was the gist of his meaning. I just feel so freaking alone. That's why I did it.

I've been there for others. Why can't they be there for me?

I'm convinced by what you say that they would be there if you let them. They must suspect that you are not doing well if they keep trying to contact you.

It's up to you to let your guard down. It seems to me that pride is keeping you from asking for the love and help you need and deserve.

Do you want to talk about what this jerk said to you?

I was just talking to him a lot because I feel so alone and I just wanted someone to talk to, someone to keep my mind off things. I could tell I was annoying him because he wasn't responding much, but I couldn't be alone. Eventually I asked him something (this was on an online game) and he said "I really just want to level my secondary" which basically means "shut the f*** up, now". So I left. And then I hurt myself.


My stomach kind of hurts, but it's probably because I made myself throw up so much, I didn't eat much today, and I'm still freaked out. I think I'm going to try to sleep. Thank you for being there for me when no one else was..

Um. I don't think going to sleep is such a great idea.

Lemons, dear. You are smart; you don't want to die; so please take some measures to make sure you are safe. Just ask your RA to check on you. Tell him you had a bad headache and you didn't realize the tylenol would make you sick--like it's an accident. But tell someone besides me that you have taken too much tylenol.

I somehow doubt your stomach hurts only because of the vomiting. I don't think you should go to sleep without more information. Ask the RA to call the poison control number and not give your name.

About the guy, it sounds like he has his own problems and was probably playing the game in order to not think about stuff. People can be selfish--especially with strangers.

Are you still awake?

I have class at 10am tomorrow. Considering my stomach is growling, I threw up maybe twenty minutes after the fact,a dn I'm pretty sure that I noticed tylenol in my vomit (sorry for the descriptor), I think I will be okay. He's going to know something is up and probably tell someone with more authority if I say anything. If I feel worse, I'll say something. It's been, I think, at least an hour since I did it. I think I'm okay.


He does have his own problems. He has many. That's probably why I trust him so much and why he can't be there for me.

I really am going to try to sleep now, so that's why I'm not responding, okay? Seriously, thank you so much. You don't know how much you have helped me tonight..

Goodnight! Sleep tight!

I was really glad to help. Thanks for thanking me. :)

My throat is sore from throwing up. I woke up cold, tired, and with my stomach hurting, so I skipped class. That was probably a bad idea, but I feel better now that I slept in. The stomach thing is most definitely due to me emptying myself of all I had. At any rate, I'm pretty sure I'm okay, physically, now.

You earned the praise.

Hi Lemons!

Glad you are feeling a bit better. Often sleep solves a multitude of problems.

But promise me you'll start the process today of looking for some form of counseling. I think talking about your specific issues would be better, but even a group just talking about college issues would definitely get you hooked into a network of people, which would probably help a lot.

Is this your second year of college, or first? (I guess I'm assuming a lot there... )

I'm a freshmen; I'm 18. I'm attending college out of state, so I don't know anyone here. I already feel like dropping out, but it's the first week, and I don't want people to think I'm a quitter. I'm trying to hang in there, especially since my real problem is me, not the college experience.

I don't know how to break into this whole counselling thing. Maybe if I start with clubs? I just need to stay outside my head, really..

The first year is hard for a lot of people, especially if you are far away from family. It's NORMAL to feel isolated and disoriented. But not very nice.

Clubs would be good. Or organize a study group for one of your classes. It's all good.

The college should have a counseling office. Make an appointment to see someone or just drop by, but there should be someone there who can tell you what's available in terms of counseling. I was in college for a couple of years before I discovered that they had academic counseling, psychological counseling, and career counseling. I wish I'd found the psychological counseling a lot sooner. It didn't solve all my problems, but they were helpful and kind and I realized that I wasn't the only person there who was struggling.

This is a hard time of life--becoming independent. I was depressed a lot the first year. It might have been better for me to take a year off after high school and kind of settle down. But I didn't ever consider giving myself a break--of course. Now I'm old and I can't see how one year one way or the other would have mattered. But then I couldn't imagine waiting a year.

Worst case, you go home. It might feel high pressure, but your whole life is not riding on how you do in the next three months, believe me. :)

I'm not saying you should go home! I'm just saying you have options so you won't feel so much pressure (at least if that's part of the problem).

The main thing is to reach out to people when you are feeling half way okay. When you are feeling worse, forgive yourself!

I'm happy to keep talking here.

I'm from a small town that I hate. I'm afraid that if I dropped out I'd be stuck there. There isn't much opportunity. I feel like a lot of people would be disappointed in me, too.

I know freshmen year, especially this early in, is difficult for everyone. It's just that everyone seems so much more social and well adjusted than me. I can't even make the effort to be friendly, usually. I don't like to be annoying or draw attention to myself. Everyone already seems to have their little group or to have old friends going here, or at the very least to be social.

There's a website for the center, and I could've called them after hours last night when I overdosed. It's still face to face and involves being seen entering the center. I'd try group, maybe, but the site isn't clear on what's going on right now.

I like being independent. I don't like being alone.

I just want to sleep. I already don't even care about homework or my job.

I feel like my list of people I can talk to keeps getting smaller and smaller, but I have to spare people, even if it hurts me more.

You say you are old, but how old are you? If I may ask..

I am 54. I was extremely shy as a kid and was depressed sometimes in my teens and twenties. Right now, life seems a lot easier. I had almost no guidance or support when I was your age and starting college. I know that feeling of being alone in a strange place and so many new things to deal with.

I have two kids 16 and 20. My 20 year old is going to a junior college. He is smart and nice and still lives with me, but has trouble meeting people or joining groups--shy, lacks self confidence. He has a ton of internet friends, but they all live far away. He tells me he is famous in the music world he inhabits. But he has never been on a date. He had a sort of virtual girlfriend for a while. My younger son is more outgoing and has a group of friends in town.

In the flesh friends are important, but I didn't completely understand how important until I was in my 40s. I liked my friends, but I just didn't get that they are the support network. It's like a savings account. It takes me a long time to make a new friend, I mean a real friend, but I really value the ones I have now, more than family in some ways. (Not more than my kids, but more than my sisters, who are difficult!)

It SEEMS like everybody else is outgoing and well adjusted. That's what I thought, too, but a lot of people feel like they keep saying dumb things and nobody is going to like them. I'm guessing a lot of the students around you are having a hard time. At least some of them are going to be really grateful if someone like you walks up to them and says. "Want to go grab a cup of tea?" Or "want to study with me for an hour in the cafeteria?" Of course, I'm one to talk. I would have been too shy to do that when I was 18. But I actually have learned to do this.

The thing is, if somebody snubs you when you reach out to them or they are too shy to take you up on it, it's their loss. Just try someone else. Or if somehow ends up being awkward, just chalk it up to a learning experience. I know it's easy for me to say to ignore it, but after a while you really will develop a thicker skin.

I have talked to you enough already to be able to tell you are smart and interesting. :)

I don't know.. sometimes I see people I know around campus (which is weird, considering there is a huge student body), and they talk to me. Usually, I just feel not worth their time. I do talk to them though. I just don't like to initiate things. Nothing is lasting.

I have a few old friends and a couple online friends. I'm very careful with my relationships. It takes forever for me to trust people.

I feel like if I went to a party and got drunk, I'd meet people. It's just that my walls are so high, and I don't know how to bring them down and open up.

People who know me say I'm worthwhile, but not many people are willing to know me it seems, and of course they wouldn't be my friend if they didn't find some redeeming quality in me.

I basically told that guy what I did last night... and then told him to disregard the email because he seemed normal again. Part of me still hopes he reads it though, because it could potentially mean having someone know what's going on with me and what I need. Someone who knows who I am, I mean. I'm just afraid that he'd hate me if he knew what I'm capable of.

I can be strong for other people, just not for myself. I could be outgoing if I had someone to be outgoing for. Make sense?


I keep talking about nothing, even with you. That's the problem. I just don't want to be alone with myself.. especially at night.

My head still feels funny. It's like in my ears too. Kind of disjointed feeling. I felt like crap all day and thought I was going to pass out or throw up riding the buses and elevators. I think it's because I was running on an empty stomach though. I was tempted to take tylenol earlier, the correct way, but it somehow seems like a bad idea. Can't wait to start feeling normal and for my throat to stop hurting. I feel like I've crossed some invisible line after last night..

I'll be curious to see if that guy writes back...

You should drink a lot of water and try to eat some nutritious foods tonight. Try not to get too in your head. Can you just veg out and watch a movie, then go to sleep early?

I'm guessing the tylenol overwhelmed your liver and you are feeling the effects of that. Don't take any for a long time, even the "normal" way. Really you should stay away from tylenol entirely and just weather this crummy feeling. Pretty much any drug you take is going to challenge your liver right now and it's tired, poor thing. Especially don't drink any alcohol this weekend. Be kind to your liver. :) It needs you to take care of it.

I have to tell you I'm personally not a fan of tylenol even before this. It is the number one cause of liver failure in the U.S. and yet it's marketed as "safe." It's not safe at all! Plus it doesn't work on fevers the way aspirin and ibuprofen (advil) do. Blech.

What kinds of classes are you taking? Do you have a major in mind yet?

Hey, you can hang out here which is good.

Might be time for a psychitrist/psychologist/neuropsychologist set of options to at least get evaluated.

You might need a small amount of an antianxiety drug for these transients. Since you have abuse potential close monitoring would be required.

If you have a PCP (Primary Care Physician), ask if you can try Wellbutrin SR.

I see it helping in your case.

I'll bet that your brain wanders from time to time and you can't really stay focused. You must be doing something at all times and you have trouble sleeping. Right?

I doubt he will read it. He doesn't like drama, and I warned him that it may make him hate me.

I'm probably going to take a shower and go to bed soon, then sleep really late. I don't have class until 1:30pm tomorrow. I've just not been eating well, but I'm getting better. Two days ago it was a poptart for breakfast, two granola bars for lunch, oatmeal for dinner, and a hot coccoa. Today it was two granola bars for breakfast, an apple crisp and frappuccino at Starbucks for lunch, and a turkey wrap, salad, and chips for dinner. It just wasn't as effective because I started the day on an empty stomach and have been eating way less calories than I've probably been burning running around all day.

Think multivitamins and birth control are okay.. I doubt I'll be doing any drinking.

I'm a general studies major because I don't know what I want to do, other than travel and be spontaneous. I get bored easy. I'll have 28 credits after this semester. Nine of those are from APs though.


I would like to have a medication to help me because I think I'm probably chemically imbalanced and like it would be a quick fix. That still entails seeking professional help though, which is my biggest hurdle. What is Wellbutrin SR? And yes, my mind does wander if I'm bored, which is a lot. I'm pretty spacy, so that helps people not to talk to me because I'm not "present". I'm not sure if I can say I have trouble sleeping though. Maybe..

Hun, you sound very troubled. At least you are eating. Multivitamins are GrEAT! But why birthcontrol? Are you having sex?

Medication would be a very wise choice for you. Wellbutrin does not work for everyone. There are hundreds of meds out there that may work better for you. However, you are going to have to see someone to get that prescription.

No, I'm a virgin. I just like to keep my options open, and it helps to regulate you and makes your skin clearer. Plus I've wondered if it's my cycle that messes me up, but I'm thinking that may not be the case. And no, my doctor doesn't know I considered the possibility that my period is messing with me; she thinks I just want clearer skin.

I just meant, if my liver is overworked, is it okay if I'm still taking those drugs?

What exactly does Wellbutrin do?

Vitamins are fine as long as they aren't megadoses.
Birth control is a bit iffy, but better to stay on it.

Wellbutrin is an antidepressant. These can be enormously helpful for some people. I know two people who take them and they really help. My sister takes prozac and a friend takes Effexor, which helps him with social anxiety. Now he says it's easy for him to go up to strangers and just start talking. He likes that.

The only problem with antidepressants is that in a few people they actually trigger suicidal thoughts and suicide, which is the last thing you need. Each kind has different side effects. Some will help you sleep. Some will keep you awake. You kind of have to find one that works for you but I think KISS might be right that one of these might help you a lot. I hadn't thought of that, but you sound like a prime candidate.

You asked how Wellbutrin and other antidepressants work:

CORRECTION: Wellbutrin works differently.

Nobody completely understands how antidepressants work. A lot of doctors and other people will tell you that they "correct an chemical imbalance" but in fact nobody knows what imbalance they correct, if any.

There are molecules that help your brain cells talk to each other called neurotransmitters. One of them is serotonin. Most modern antidepressants make sure there is more serotonin available in the space between brain cells so they can send signals to one another. The thing is, though, that the antidepressant causes an increase in serotonin right away, soon after you take it, but most people don't feel better for several weeks, so it's not just the serotonin that's making them feel better.

What probably happens is that more brain cell connections form--they can measure the increase in neural connections. And THAT correlates with people feeling better. But the exact nature of those connections and how the antidepressant makes it happen is still not understood as far as I know.

Welbutrin is not of the SSRI (Selective Seretonin Reuptake Inhibitor) or trycyclic class. It's a member of the aminoketone class.

It would be great if it worked for me. I'd like a quick fix. At the same time, it would be nice if I didn't need any medications.

I don't know why it is so hard for me to go and talk to a therapist. Maybe tomorrow I will see if I can find the place at least and walk by... ugh.

I feel a lot better now that I have been talking to everyone on here. Especially you, asking. I told my closest and oldest friend what I did because she has had similar, though not as close or as violent, experiences with cutting and near.. dying experiences (she never actually took the pills, thankfully, and she stopped hurting herself). She said it scared her and to call her next time, but I told her I'm okay now and not to worry. I just feel kind of weird about it..

What's the difference between SSRI and aminoketone?

I'm going to sleep now. Hopefully my body will feel better in the morning.
Thank you all so much. Talking helps me not think.

I can't sleep. I'm so angry. My stupid roommate came in from a party, turned on every freaking light, and got on skype. Then she had her trashy friend in her and they made popcorn. They were laughing and shhing each other because I got pissed and made it clear this was not okay. I told her, I'm awake, stop talking about me like I'm not here. I really do hate people. Is it so unreasonable to want to sleep at 1:30am? I really want to do something destructive to her stuff right now, but I will try to wait and yell at her when she gets back. In the mean time, how am I supposed to sleep? This is frustrating right now..

*Nevermind. I'll take sudafed and yell at her in the morning..

I feel so hopeless..

If I drop out, everyone will be disappointed in me. My friends will ostracize me because they are all overachievers and like college and would think I was such a quitter. My family paid good money for me to be here and on all my supplies. People gave me graduation money. They took stock in me, so much is riding on me.

I would go back to my little city in New York, six miles outside the city at that, and live in my room. All my friends would be in college, making something of themselves. I'd spend the majority of my time alone and online or sleeping. I'd have no way to get anywhere because my parents would need the cars. If I could find a job, it would be at McDonald's. I'd never leave the city because there is no opportunity, and I'd probably end up killing myself.

If I stay, I'm probably just delaying the inevitable. I'm not social, I'm not okay, and I just don't care already. It's noon, I have class at 1:30pm, and I just want to sleep and cry. I could change roommates, but that would involve me probably moving all my stuff. Then my snarky roommate would probably tell everyone I'm antisocial and don't like fun, and I'd get a reputation as old and a jerk.

She came in drunk and stoned last night. She turned on ever light, made popcorn, had some girl in here, and laughed uncontrollably. She was loud and disrespectful. I told her this morning that I don't care what she does outside the room, I don't care if she gets sh*tfaced every night, but when she is in here, she needs to have respect. I told her that things she can do in her room at home are not acceptable with other people and that it's not unreasonable for someone to want to sleep at 1:30am. I told her that maybe I want to get up in the morning and do things. I said maybe we needed quiet hours (11pm-7am, I was thinking). I told her I didn't care if she got on skype if she didn't turn on every light and be loud, but clearly she can't be quiet.

She told me that she can't do that. She said this is college and Thursday night is a weekend. She said she was like that because she was so "lifted" (drunk/stoned). She said she is a loud person and can't be quiet, even from 11-7am. (She's 17, she'll be 18 in a month.) She suggested we switch roommates because she has a friend who hates her roommate (not that she doesn't like me, of course) who is ROTC and very down to earth.

I could move in with my gram and maybe get a jon, but my grandparents are on fixed income. I feel like everyone was so excited and invested in me. I feel stupid for thinking change would do me good and like a failure for giving in so soon. I feel like my family saw this coming, because I was never a fan of high school, and will be so disappointed in me. I don't want to face them.

The thing is, if I drop out now, then I won't be charged for anything. If I hold out, even a week, I will. I could go online, I'd do that, but I'd still feel like I let everyone down, including myself.

Plus I don't want to do the walk of shame and move everything out after only a week. I hate this so much..

I'll bet money that you're a perfect candidate for Wellbutrin SR.

My fried could also write like you. Extremely well. So many things fit. If you also have anxiety problems, such as least night, meds such as Ativan could help. It's such a touchy situation because anti-depresents can increase suicide risk, but can also reduce it. I'd say the same for Ativan under the right situations. I personaly know the effects of both of these meds. so I'm not barking up a tree. Attivan is typically designed for transient use. Say six months of grieving or something.
I do wish you had a good doctor that would trust you.

I take Ativan for two reasons. My elderly mother gets out of hand (anti-anxiety) and when I can't sleep because of a migraine. I can't take the stuff during the day. Probably could if I cut the dosage. If you give it 8-10 hours of time before you have to get up, I'm fine. You don't feellike you were drugged to fall asleep. It just reduces the anxiety, so you can fall asleep.


Yea, there are unresonable people in the world and I don't think it's your fault. If compromises can't be worked out, then you need to change your surroundings.

I'm withdrawing. I'm going to go live with my gram. My parents are coming down to move me out tomorrow. I just feel like such a failure and a burden. I'm not even sure I can face my family after this. My gram keeps saying "we will work it out" and insists she's okay with me moving in, but I don't buy it. I just feel lost and stuck and hopeless and I don't know where to go from here..

Get your A$$ to the doctor ASAP. I don't want to hear it that your withdrawing.

Make an appointment with a psychiatrist, NOW!

It will be money wel spent. Trust me.

You can use:

Im starting school soon and am having trouble coping and staying focused. Some of my symptoms are:

List

It's been suggested that Wellbutrin might be able to help me. What do you think? Would you be wiling to allow me a trial?

If your asked who, just say an online community.

You withdrawing is stupid. Fix the problem.

Tel you what. Instead of withdrawing, change your course load to something that you can pass with ease. Coledge programs are desiged to eliminate people. Don't let them do that.

College is "get good grades" Nothing else matters.

When I leared how to go to college, I became a ghost in a classes, I was told in one class If you have something better to do, don't bother coming to class". I tested out of classes. I had my grade changed from a B to an A all because of a couple of points. I was told that I didn't have to come to the last 2 or 3 classes because I did so well and I was having dental surgery.
I challenged teachers and won. Its a game. Play to win!

I've already missed three classes now, and my head is killing me. It's basically been arranged. I can still go online and work. Hopefully my grandparents were sincere in taking me, because then I could work a lot and hopefully move out fast. I don't want to burden them at all, just I know I'd be more likely to live on my own sooner if I could live with them in the city. I'm talking to my friends and family and they just keep saying it's my decision and they hope I don't have regrets. It just makes me feel even worse. It's the people I have problems with, and myself, not the campus or set up or classes.

I could be okay with this if I didn't have to worry about letting everyone down and being judged..

I'm withdrawing. I'm going to go live with my gram. My parents are coming down to move me out tomorrow. I just feel like such a failure and a burden. I'm not even sure I can face my family after this. My gram keeps saying "we will work it out" and insists she's okay with me moving in, but I don't buy it. I just feel lost and stuck and hopeless and I don't know where to go from here..


I'm actually happy to hear this. I think you'll do better in college when you are more ready. I am confident you'll be able to go another time.

Look, I dropped out of college after two years because I was depressed and confused and I went back after a year and did much better. Now I'm the author of a college textbook that has won awards.

What you are going through is a TEMPORARY setback. If you broke your leg or something you wouldn't be beating on yourself for not being up to what some other people are able to do. Right now, you are dealing with pretty serious anxiety and depression. It's okay for people to have problems and be taken care of. Let your gram take care of you. Enjoy it! I'm really glad to know she's there for you.

You both deserve and need the care of others right now.

A friend of mine once gave me a "prescription" for Entitlement. He actually wrote it out on a piece of paper and said take some twice a day.

So I'm writing you a prescription for some, too. You are entitled to take a break, entitled to be cared for and loved, entitled to receive help, entitled to take your time, and entitled to be you.

Have you made that appointment yet? Tell them its an emergency. Use the colledge infirmary for referrals.

I've already missed three classes now, and my head is killing me. It's basically been arranged. I can still go online and work. Hopefully my grandparents were sincere in taking me, because then I could work a lot and hopefully move out fast. I don't want to burden them at all, just I know I'd be more likely to live on my own sooner if I could live with them in the city. I'm talking to my friends and family and they just keep saying it's my decision and they hope I don't have regrets. It just makes me feel even worse. It's the people I have problems with, and myself, not the campus or set up or classes.

I could be okay with this if I didn't have to worry about letting everyone down and being judged..

Lemons, I think you are right that you aren't ready to be in college right now. And you are getting away from that dreadful roommate, too! I think it's fine to change your mind and take some time off. You can always go back later. I have several friends whose kids started college and then came home because they were so unhappy. What you are doing is actually pretty common.

Don't worry about regrets. You are making a good decision for right now. It's easy to second guess yourself later, but there's no need.

But don't give up on college altogether. There are other ways to do it. Just think about it later. You'll know when you are ready. As you say, you can go part time, take classes in the City, etc.

I wish you would not worry about burdening your family. You've said you've been supportive of others in the past. It's your turn to be a "burden." People actually like taking care of others. In fact, people who have a child or partner or a pet to take care of actually live longer than people who are all alone. Let them help you. Helping family is a joy.

It's weird how things happen. I hope I'm making the right decision, but I'm so afraid of tomorrow and hope I don't burden my gram. If it becomes apparent that they are disappointed in me and not happy with me, I'll leave them too. This is all so awkward and difficult.

My head feels awful, and I can't take tylenol. I don't know if it's because I took equate nighttime to sleep or because I'm so upset or what. I'm still so paranoid about overdosing the other night.

And this guy I used to be really close with but never talk to anymore reached out to me and made an effort to cheer me up and make sure I'm okay. He's the only person I know not making me feel horrible for doing this. The others are doing so unintentionally, but still..

I'm just so afraid of what everyone will think of me, and I'm afraid of them realizing how messed up I feel right now. I hope I can pull things together fast. I just wish people would outright accept and support my decision, but I know it doesn't work that way..

The people who are surprised by your decision will get over it. You are not living their life; you are living your own.

Good about the guy!

About your headache, it's hard to know why, but you are really stressed and you did a number on your body the other night. I'd tell you to go to the doctor, but I guess I'm thinking you won't go... If you start to feel worse, then get to a clinic or ER. What is equate?

PS. I'm probably going to be gone most of this weekend, leaving later today. Will check to see if you are still posting on Sunday night...

I'm being told everything from I'm fing up to they completely understand. I'm second guessing myself so bad, and I feel like crap I don't know what to do anymore..


Equate is for colds and fevers and pain. Gel capsules.

Right.. That's why you need Welbutrin. It will help you think clearer. That's what the problem is.

I can't stand this feeling. I feel like I can do no right and make no one happy. I don't want to be me. I don't want to be anything. I feel like I've fed everything up and it's too late. I don't even know how to live with myself and my decisions.

Do the doctor route please. My friend said that he had gone to numerous doctors and none could help him and I came along and suggested the drug Welbutrin and within 3 days he felt enormously better. Usually it's a lot longer to feel better.

You will feel better. The first step is getting there. I don't know any of your friends to tell them to drag you there. You need to go, and soon.

I'm trying now to stay because I can't handle this pressure. I don't know what to do or where to turn. Except I don't want to stay again, or more, because my mom has been into everything and more and more people are becoming aware that I'm having problems (that I'm considering dropping out). That makes staying even harder. I don't want that attention. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've lost control of this situation, and it's no longer in my hands. I feel like I've lost my chance at a first impression. I have no time to decide one of the biggest decisions I'll ever make.

I can't stand this feeling. I feel like I can do no right and make no one happy. I don't wnat to be me. I don't want to be anything. I feel like I've fed everything up and it's too late. I don't even know how to live with myself and my decisions.

Has someone said something to you to make you feel that way?

Your anxiety is palpable. But if you can just get through this period of difficulty, I think you'll find tomorrow is better. When are your family coming?

My sister and that guy (the 26 year old) have been basically telling me I'm fing up and I need a plan and I'm quitting too soon and just yelling at me. Now the 26 year old won't even talk to me. My sister keeps asking me questions I don't know the answer to and placing more pressure on me. I'm losing people left and right it seems.

They'll be here at ten or eleven am, but I don't know what I'm going to do..

I once had a therapist tell me to "cultivate ambivalence." I have found it really annoying, but sometimes it's the right answer. Basically he meant that instead of trying to force a decision, run away from it and then it will find you. Or at least that's what I have decided he meant. It's generally true.

Take your time. They think they are helping. They know you well, care about you, and probably worry that you'll regret this and want to spare you that. I really doubt they will abandon you for this decision. I'm encouraged that you seem to have so many people who really care about you.

For now, try to push everybody's opinions out of your mind and just don't think about what you'll do. The thing is that you can always change your mind. Whatever you decide will be okay and you don't HAVe to make any decision right now. The important thing is to get well.

My mom has been talking to that center that offers counseling to try and figure out options. They think this is easy, apparentally, rather than the usual suicide watch (dark humor there). They said there are thirty available beds and loopholes around the drop out the first week or be stuck with the bill policy. We'll see. I need to somehow surround myself with help and support, but I don't know if I'm going about it the right way at all. It's scary.

If I run from the college, it may not take me back.
I feel reckless in my quest for someone to lean on.





Also, how am I supposed to talk with anyone at the center if they are already familiar with my family..

First, you made an impulsive decision. Not good at all.

Cousleling isn't going to work by itself. Been there, done that.

Medically, I believe, and so do I believe that asking believes that you have a MEDICAL condition that needs to be addressed.

Until the medical issue is addressed, counseling will have no effect. Trust us on this.

So what do you think is wrong with me, medically? What are you getting at?

I am very mpulsive.

I'll leave you with this website: Mental disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychiatric_disorder)

You're a candidate for anti-depresessants and I believe Welbutrin will be a good match. These drugs modify brain chemistry/communication.

A neuropsychlogist can get to roots of major problems. Testing such as an MMPI and other tests can get to root of problems whether is be belittled by parents, emotionally abused by parents, whatever. Those tests run about $2K w/o insurance and take at least a day to do. Been there. Done that. The MMPI will take about 3 hours to do. It's a multiple choice test. About 400 questions.

Once you know what the problem is, you can begin to solve it.

Finally, I've struck a nerve. Been wanting to do that.

Neither of us is qualified to issue diagnoses. I think you are basically depressed and really anxious. I am not sure what KISS is thinking, but something along those lines. I think he has a point about the Wellbutrin, but I would not dismiss counseling so easily. I just mainly feel that you need to take the pressure off yourself and stop assuming everyone is judging you harshly. You frankly seem like a really neat person and you need to internalize that somehow. That you are OkAY. :) KISS is right, though, that the right antidepressant might make that a lot easier.

I don't know enough about you to feel like I have a sense of how deep this unhappiness goes or where it comes from. I am puzzled that you seem to have a loving family and people who like you and yet you seem afraid to lean on them or on others generally. It's like there's some trust issues.? Where does that feeling come from that having people help you is not okay? What do you think?

I am just a writer of biology textbooks, not a therapist or a psychiatrist. I just do this--why? I don't know, because it's cool to connect with people and feel like I made a tiny difference.

I read a question and I want to answer it, or I don't. I wanted to answer yours...

Testing such as an MMPI and other tests can get to root of problems whether is be belittled by parents, emotionally abused by parents, whatever. Those tests run about $2K w/o insurance and take at least a day to do. Been there. Done that. The MMPI will take about 3 hours to do. It's a multiple choice test. About 400 questions.

I took one of those once and the psychologist told me it was "unscoreable" and I needed to take it over. (Does this mean I have no personality?) I actually answered every single question as honestly as I could. I refused to take it again and he got angry. I think he had issues. :)

Whatever you do, do not connect the dots that say I'm taking or need to take an anti-depressant because I'm depressed. It may or may not be the case that you are depressed.

I took the MMPI 3x. Once it was unscoreable too. I didn't find out why until I ed. I was told that I did not answer all the questions. An answer must be everywhere aparently for the test to be valid. I had a psychologist go over the raw scores. A diffeent one that administered the test. The guy that administered the test said the results were in the report. The raw score is only about 14 characters.

I can't remember when I started having trust issues. I tend to lean more on those who can't help or don't want to-probably because I subconciously know I won't actually have to act. I do want change and help, I'm just afraid of it.

I know that in school I'd struggle before I sought help. Teachers commented on that a lot. It's why I'm so horrible at math.

I know when I told the guy I liked (who actually reached out to me a little tonight) about my cutting, he pulled away from me.

I think my issues seeking help can be dated back to first grade, maybe kindergarten, to be honest. Would you consider that the same as trust issues?


I don't have $2000 to dish out, and you can't get a prescription without a diagnosis. I'm not great at communicating..

I've taken various online psych evaluations and always score high for anxiety and depression and a multitude of mental illnesses. Then again, I only take the tests when I'm not well. Sometimes I'm okay.. don't you have to always be not okay to have an illness? My problems generally seem enviromental; I just react strongly..

You don't need the $2K, so don't worry about it.

You don't need a dx to get a prescription.

Your general doctor may be willing to prescribe it. There is nothing magic or nasty to worry about. If your lucky and have a good relationship with your GP, consider getting it called in to a pharmacy nearby. There is a standard way to prescribe with incremental increases in dosages. Make sure you get the SR form. Not XL and not plain.

Bet I know why your horrible at math? You can't memorize, right?

If someone gave you verbal directions on the street would you have to write them down? Bet he answer is yes?

Any visual memory?

Memory by repitition or like how you memorize how to ride a bike?

Confiding early in a relationship is going to be troublesome. No one wants a SO with a mental illness.

I think we figured out the anxiety and depression. Usually these behaviors are transient in most people and they go away on their own. There re-current with you, but not continuous.

Wellbutrin will help the reacting strongly.

Something is hidden with the trust issue. I'm thinking upbringing, parents and emotional abuse. A promise(s) that was made and never kept.

I don't think you have to take expensive tests. Any doctor can prescribe an antidepressant, although sometimes I think they are too cavalier about it. Anyway, I suspect it would not be hard for you to get a prescription. But if you do go that route, I hope you will do it only if you will be in daily touch with someone who knows you well who can decide if it's making you worse, which antidepressants occasionally do. It's not quite rare enough to be something you can just not worry about it.

Well, okay, it happened to me. I took an antidepressant for a week and was ready to off myself and I wasn't really even depressed when I started taking it. The doctor gave it to me for back pain. I got scared and stopped taking it. I had kids; I couldn't be feeling like that. They say that only happens in teenagers, but I was 48 or so. (I like to think that means I have a youthful brain.)

Anyway, the guy who got scared off. I think most people are afraid of the idea of cutting. I don't know much about it myself. I can sort of half understand doing it. I think I read that it releases endorphins, so you feel better for a while. Yes? I never know if it's better to conceal things like that from people. I generally like honesty, but maybe there's a limit there...

I don't know if feeling like you have to do everything yourself is about trust. When you describe it the way you did, it sounds different. More like maybe your folks were too distracted to pay much attention when you were little and you felt on your own too early?

But then leaning on those who can't help, or don't really want to, is an interesting twist. Have to think about that.

KISS, I'm not good at learning from verbal instruction only. I have to see things written down. So what does that mean?

Lemons, did you have any really difficult times as a kid? You mentioned that your father was depressed. Is this related to anything that happened or just kind of constitutional? Being around a depressed person can make you feel depressed. And you may be more responsive to stress than average. A lot of people are like that. It might well have to do with something that happened to you when you were younger.

But then leaning on those who can't help, or don't really want to, is an interesting twist. Have to think about that.

Easy one. Fear of change. This little school thing is really fear. She want to go back to where she feels safe.

But, essentially you have to stay to overcome the fear and you need a little help (medication) to allow you to do that.

Okay, that makes sense.

But, on the other hand, wouldn't it be safer to get stabilized before starting this new and scary thing (school)? I mean safer as in not cutting and taking lethal doses of Tylenol...

KISS, I'm not good at learning from verbal instruction only. I have to see things written down. So what does that mean??

It means we are handicapped in a way, Memory has components of visual, verbal and kinestetic. We have to recognize and find ways to utilize other ways to memorize.

Those that have photographic memory can get through medical school with a breeze. Perform operations with ease the first few times.

The verbal guys can be good Lawyers.

The Kinestetic guys might have good logic and intuitive skills, but can't pass tests very well at all and thus flunk out of college even though they are smart.

Teachers, I believe, don't realize this.

Get the idea.

But, on the other hand, wouldn't it be safer to get stabilized before starting this new and scary thing (school)? I mean safer as in not cutting and taking lethal doses of Tylenol...

I'm going to say no. Like I said, make the courses something you can definitely handle, even if it's not what everyone else does.

Home will be a negative influence. One has to be able to stay focused and occupied not belittled.

She told the roommate off, who knows if it was in the best way, but that's a start. That's part of learning how to deal with the new situation.

In sixth we were tested to see how we learned best. I scored highest for logic. Second highest was creative.

I cannot memorize math problems and have developed a mental block for the subject over the years. It's like tuning out a foreign language.

I can learn through rhythm and repittion. I can somewhat remember things photographically. I'd do better if the directions were written down just because I second guess and thus confuse myself so much.

A lot of things happened when I was younger, but a lot of people have problems crop up in life. My dad was/is depressed because he has regrets. He didn't travle as much as he wanted to in life. He can't always provide as much as he'd like to. He feels like he lets us down a lot because he quit his one job (his boss was a jerk and he couldn't take it finally after 15 years). He also found out he had hepatitus b when I was probably 10-12. That meant going on medications that made him "not dad" and, while I don't remember too much from then, my sister said he thinks I hated him because of it. He was just not a fun guy to be around, and he feels bad about that and because of all the money it sapped from us.

I don't have a doctor. I go to shot clinics, or very seldom (once in the last three years?) go to my mom's doctor, who I do not like. No luck there..

I don't like promises, and I won't make them. I think there's a reason, but I've lost it. I just don't feel like they are reliable. I think it has a little to do with vacations that never happened. I'm kind of strong willed that way.

I did feel ignored a lot. I still do. I'm soft spoken and often described as "sweet" sounding and "cute". I have recollections of standing up on a couch and demanding to be heard, then "runnning away" to the playhouse out back when my parents failed to listen or talked over me. I ran away a lot actually, but I never got far. My sister said I screamed a lot when I was a toddler, but I don't remember that at all.

Cutting does release endorphins, but it doesn't help me anymore. It doesn't hurt enough. Burning was better, but I can't do that here. I don't always understand what's so bad about it, but I'm trying to quit anyway.

Lastly, I do stick to the safe and familiar too much. I know this. That's why I put myself in such a scary situation with no outs. I'm trying to change, but I'm not feeling strong enough alone.

I can handle the courses. In fact, I don't feel busy enough. It's the people..


Oh, and I won't let myself have a relationship with a guy right now. I've heard too many times you can't have a healthy relationship until you love yourself. I do have a guy that is obsessed with me (he's 21), despite knowing many of my issues.. I can't seem to scare him off. He won't take no for an answer.

This all makes a lot of sense to me. It sounds like your father's problems have dominated your family life. That and probably other stuff made it hard for you to be heard. It's really important for adults to listen to children, to take in what they are saying and acknowledge it--even if they don't necessarily give them everything they want. But when adults are overwhelmed, it's easy to forget to do this. That might have left you feeling like you had to handle all your problems yourself.

Now I can see why you reacted so strongly to your inconsiderate room mate.

KISS has mentioned abuse several times. Was there any kind of abuse and I missed that? Or just modest emotional neglect (which is still important).

Promises are damaging if people aren't committed to keeping them. So if you have been disappointed a lot, you just don't believe them after a while. You might not even want to hear another promise. But commitments make life stabler. So if you can keep promises and be with people who keep theirs, you'll have a happier life. It almost doesn't matter what the promises are.

I don't think my parents have ever abused me, though I've often wondered if ever I was since a very young age. Again, I don't remember why. The closest incidents are..

The one time I remember being spanked by my mom. I don't remember what I did. I just remember it was before school and I cried and felt degraded.

When I was 12 or 13 and my mom suggested I talk to someone. I freaked out and went outside for space. However, I did this barefoot in early winter or spring so it was cold and there was snow. My mom thought I was running away and yelled at me to come in; I refused. It went on like this, voices and profanity escalating until she tried to drag me inside. There was a scuffle-just pushing and pulling-and I hit my nail on the door. It bled. I won. She got tired and went inside, threatening to call someone to come get me. I came in after a couple minutes, exclaiming "she's going to kill us all". That was the first time I cut. I don't know why I was like that.

I've clashed with my dad a lot. He says it's because we are too alike. I've had issues with him because of drinking and lies. Both my parents tend to shelter me and lie to preserve my feelings-it doesn't work. The truth comes out eventually. My dad failed to mention he was married before until it slipped one day. This upset me (I was 13 or 14) because it meant nothing, including his marriage to my mom, is permanent (I used to worry about them divorcing a lot because they fought and many of my friend's parents divorced-I still think it's the end when couple's argue). Then I made him swear he'd only been married once, which he did, only for me to discover he'd actually been married twice before my mother. That hurt our relationship. Then when I was 15, he, according to my dad's family (my gram included), got drunk at a family reunion and wanted to set off fireworks. They wouldn't let him, and he got mad and eventually drove off. So the story goes, I never really heard his side. I got to spend the night worrying if he killed anyone or himself until we finally received word he was all right and headed home in the early am (my mom relayed the information to my gram-I was staying with my gram with a friend about three and a half hours from home). I also gave the police his license number and discovred he left without his wallet, license, money, and glasses while rifling through his suitcase (I no longer respected him). My parents maintain he was not drunk. It hardly matters anymore.


More often I have felt overshadowed by my sister. She's louder, prettier, and more successful.

I think I see incidence of emotional abuse here. It's a tough cookie to crack and a tough one to identify. Separation and living one your own will eventually crack it. That's why you have to stick it out.

You have to quit running back home and mom has to "let you grow up".

What that means for you is that you have to fall on your face a little, get up look around and say so what and start over.

Mom has to quit doing the "I want you to come for dinner". Bet she won't ask if you WANT to come for dinner. AW, I bet your having a rough time, rubbing your back etc the out pops, "ARE YOU SURE YOU WHAT TO GO TO SCHOOL"

Bet there's an indian giver there. Someone, say mom, knew you would fail. She lets you go. Mom knows that you'll come crawling home. You go crawling home and mom has control over her baby as she always had.

No No No No No! You can't let that happen.

It should be, mom, that's for the ride to colledge. Giver her a hug and don't allow her to unpack you. Mom I'll be fine. Next week or so I'll let you now if I forgot anything. It's your place, not hers now.

When she comes to visit and tries to re-arrange. We like it like this.

IT'S TIME FOR MOM TO STOP BEING YOUR MOTHER AND YOU HER CHILD. IT'S TIME FOR HER TO LOOSE A CHILD AND GAIN A DAUGHTER.

THE CHILD BECOMES THE ADULT DAUGHTER. THE MOTHER ACCEPTS THAT HER DAUGHTER HAS GROWN UP. ITS TRAUMATIC. IT WILL HAPPEN WITH SEPARATION. It won't otherwise.

Do IT!

Wait, I don't see the emotional abuse? Where did that come from?

My mom did say she doesn't want me so far. So did my grandpa. My dad sai college isn't for everyone and supported me outright. I'm not sure I'd call that abuse though or say they wanted me to fail and come home if they are coming down here to try and figure out how I can stay.


Right now, I don't care if I ever go to college. I'm just tired and it's bothering me that he won't talk to me. I hate letting people down. I feel so annoying and crazy. It's not fair.

Your not suppposed to see the abuse clearly, not until you have been made aware.

I'll have to dig out my other books. I never liked hat I found on the web. This is a start:

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/emotional-abuse-signs-and-symptoms.html

From the above link:

* Feeling of depression
* Withdrawal from social interaction
* Isolation from friends and family
* Low self-esteem
* Fearfulness
* Increased anxiety
* Guilty feeling
* Feeling of shame
* Mood changes
* Nervous feeling
* Not trusting others
* Frequent blaming on others
* Self-blaming
* Pessimistic behavior
* Substance or drug abuse
* Extreme dependence on others
* Avoiding eye-contact
* Telling lies
* Aggressive behavior
* Emotional instability
* Suicidal attempts


ANything familiar? I think so. See how many you can check off.

Okay, so I can check almost if not all off. There could be no other reason than abuse? I can't see when I was ever abused...


And I'm not returning to my parents or my sister, even if I think they are the only ones who legitimately care about me. I think they are the only one's who care about me because no one else has really stepped up and been there for me. Everyone else just leaves.

Okay, so I can check almost if not all off. There could be no other reason than abuse? I can't see when I was ever abused...

OK, we have the symptoms. Good. Now, you need to fib when someone asks if you are at risk to harm yourself and/others". You just got thrown a life jacket. Don't give it up. "THEY", can make you drown, so you'll never see normal life again.

Working on how and and what, is going to take some effort on may part too.

Being emotionally abused in not a diagnosis. The diagnosis is what you became after repeated abuses.

I probably won't have much time during the day, but I'll see what I can do.

Is there an inordinate "desire to please"? If so, try to figure out how that occurred.

I actually don't see the abuse either. Your father seems rather poor at governing his impulses and both your parents sound like they have pretty serious problems with communication. This is a recipe for tumult.

Trying to physically drag a 13 year old inside the house is an exercise in futility. And I'm surprised your mother didn't know better. I think I would have just waited for you to come back in--because you are obviously sensible enough not to stand around in the snow barefoot until your toes freeze. But it's easy for me to say. I've done stupid parenting things myself. Every parent eventually does things that in retrospective are totally idiotic.

I think people telling you you are like your father was not a favor, either, since you now identify with him and yet do not seem to respect him. It sounds like you feel at some level like your life is bound to be like his. That isn't true, of course, but you have to find that out for yourself and understand it at a deep level. You are not him, and you are not even bound to be just like him, and you get to make your own life. The trick is to find the strength to do that when you are feeling not strong.

The dominating sister. I had one of those! She was older, taller, more beautiful (blond with green eyes), a ballet dancer, the apple of my father's eye. I was short, with brown hair, and too shy to speak in company. Nobody could ever think of anything to ask me or say to me and I grew up thinking I was boring. That turns out not to be true! I have always been competitive with her. But I got more education and have a career and job skills, where she has none.

I could go on, but her advantages as a child have all vanished. In the end, I even ended up being closer to our father than she was. I am not saying that's exactly what will happen with you, just that your upbringing has shaped you to be competitive and a struggler and a rebel, and those are ADVANTAGES out in the world. You just have to learn to channel that into things that are good for you. You already know you have to learn to love yourself. I think you will get there sooner than you think and your life can turn around.

People take one look at me and think I'm cute and nice and they don't expect a sharp intellect. My own family weren't much different. (I wrote an article for a magazine a few years ago and a friend of my father's basically said, "I didn't know you were smart enough to write anything like this!" He didn't use those words but that's what he meant. He'd never really talked to me, even though he'd known me for 20 years. So I'm not one to give advice... ) But anyway, this inability to project one's true competence leads to lots of misunderstandings, although it's not as bad now that I am older and don't look quite so cute and harmless.

I think you might enjoy Frank Sulloway's book on birth order. I'm assuming you are the youngest? It's about how a lot of the best scientists and other great thinkers have been younger siblings. It's called "Born to Rebel" Birth Order, Family Dynamics, and Creative Lives. If you decide to drop out and you have time to read, get it from the library and see if it says anything to you. It's not a pop psych book; it's an academic and historical discussion, but if it interests you, you'll be able to follow it fine.

Someone, say mom, knew you would fail. She lets you go. Mom knows that you'll come crawling home. You go crawling home and mom has control over her baby as she always had.

KISS, I really don't see this in what Lemons has written. At the risk of offending, I think you should start a thread on mothers. I'm guessing you'll get a lot of posts. :) It feels like you really need to talk this out. I am inferring that you are in some way talking about your own mother here and I don't doubt that all this is true in your case.

Your correct. Emotional abuse is hard to sift through, if there. She has too many of the symptoms.

It is not something that stares you in the face. I only got it when I read multiple books on toxic parents, verbal abuse and emotional abuse.

Let's suffice to say, that there is upbringing issues and what almost appears to be some sort of mental instabilities in the parenting. This will mess up someone's head for a long time.

Not sure what we can agree on:
1. Trial of Welbutrin?
2. Therapy?
3. See psychologist?

I can't make a dx. There are not enough pieces.

There are symptoms that, I think, require medication and therapy where medication takes the higher weight.

Even, I'll have to go re-read everything. Brain has been foggy because of my rain induced migraines. Even I can't think clearly under these conditions.

You can treat sympomatically and there is no reason not too.

However, some may want to know why am I like this Psychotherapy will help find that answer.

I'm staying, but I wish I wasn't

I'm going to a "movie night" on my new floor. How can I be social when I'm tired and kind of just not happy. I did have a couple glasses of wine though, so that probably isn't helping.

I may answer more later. I can't believe I am stuck here until December..

Yes! PS: Had a rough day

Why is it so great I'm staying? And why did you have a rough day?


I don't feel any better about my situation. I have so much to do tomorrow. I just want to sleep a lot.


I am the youngest, but I only have one older sister. She's not compettive with me. She's just amazing and successful. It's a lot to live up to.

I do have a desire to please. Why else would I still be here? I really just want to say f everything and run away. Hitch hike. Hop a plane or a boat. Disappear..

Why is it so great I'm staying? <snip>

We care about you.



I don't feel any better about my situation. I have so much to do tomorrow. I just want to sleep a lot.

You can't. Not until you get meds.



I am the youngest, but I only have one older sister. She's not compettive with me. She's just amazing and successful. It's a lot to live up to.

Starting to make a tiny bit more sense. Tell us a little about parents' perception of kids. Their expectations of you vs your sister.



I do have a desire to please. Why else would I still be here? I really just want to say f everything and run away. Hitch hike. Hop a plane or a boat. Disappear..

Yea, we know that, the run away part. The desire to please, I think is a new one.

Try to figure out where that "desire to please" came from.
Grades? Being like your sister? Parent's pushing you to be like your sister? It won't be one thing, it will be a series of incidents over a long time.

Monday, call the health service and ask for a referral to a psychiarist or other doc that is comfortable to prescribe anti-depresents who is student friendly.

Why does it take two days to get a tire leak fixed at a national US auto store?

Mom decides to be pro-active, notices that car tire is low so she takes it to Pep Boys. They tell her there is no leak and send her home with 42 PSI in the tire. 28 is standard pressure and they said the dealer has to turn off the tire pressure monitor. Yeh, right!

The next day,my turn. Took the tire off and went leak hunting. Found a very very tiny one.

So, I drop it off and walk home (20 min walk) and they say they would call and it would be done within the hour. They never called. I had even marked the leak and told them it was on the rim.

1:45 later, I start walking. I arrive there and they "Could not find a leak, so they lowered the pressure to the correct value and set the car out to pasture to "hurry and wait" to see if it looses air.

Me furious when I got there. I said, you take off the tire and I'll use my soln and I'll show you the leak. Well, they didn't take me up on my offer. Next thing I know the guy is taking the tire off, mounting, balancing and he's starting to take it off the rack.

So, for so good.

Next thing, I know the manager is over there and they take the tire off and put an new one on totally free of charge.

I said I'd reset the air monitor.

No wonder why there are accidents on the road. We trust our cars to professionals and they can't even find an air leak.

If you can't find the time to do it right, when are you going to find the time to do it over.

Shhesh! Story of my life.

PS: Doesn't help, I guess when I use very fine soap solution.

I'm definitely pretty much stalking these forums. It feels like all I have right now, other than creepy 21 year old who offered to let me move in.

My parents never really set expectations. We were good kids. We both did well initially. Then my sister joined cross country and marching band and FIRST. She was popular, friendly, and had many dates. She went to prom three, maybe four, years in a row. She got into every college she applied to. She lives in a four bedroom house essentially for free, has a great boyfriend, and makes more money than my parents.

I never joined any extra curriculars except horseback riding. That became too difficult to keep up, so I dropped. My mom came to the lessons-and read a book. My dad, sister, and grandparents probably made it to two or three lessons the two years I rode. They made it to basically every band show the one year my sister played. They made it to many cross country meets. They had to keep on me (so they felt) about missing too much school. I never felt up to it, and I missed a lot. I still did well, just not as well as I could have had I been happy and interested. I hung out with friends less and less.

They never set expectations with grades. We did that ourselves. Neither of us messed with alcohol or drugs. They've said they are proud of me-even though I only applied to one school (and went). I've always been single, and they became accustomed to it. I don't know. I don't feel like they ever set standards. We did that ourselves..


I don't know why I have a desire to please; where it came from. I just know I don't like to be hated. I don't like people mad at me. I don't want a bad reputation.

I think it's a common misconception that humans are the smartest mammals. Well, maybe we are the most intelligent, but that doesn't mean the entire human race is smarter than the average gorilla.. You have some patience. I'd be so annoyed. It's good they fixed it free of charge, though.

Weird, this site works now I've made a decision I can't go back in.

A half hour away, I call my parents and decide to leave.

I shoved them out before I was ready because my dad said he thought I was depressed. He and my mom both have it and take medication for it.

I'm probably being rash and impulsive and everyone will hate me, but I don't feel right here. I just hope this isn't really the end of the world the way it feels it is.

This proves again, you need meds. I'm going to keep hounding you until you make that appointment.

I loved the state. I loved the opportunity. I was comfortable with the campus size and getting around, for the most part.

I hated most of the food. I couldn't deal with the people. They were everywhere, and yet I had no one. I was so alone. I tried to reach out to people, but I couldn't find any support.

Now I'm home and lost. I don't know what comes next. I can't stand myself. I want to jump into something and keep running.

I can't get help here. Not with my parents so close.

I don't know what to do or what is right. I don't want to care.

You think if I took Wellbutrin I'd be instantly better? And you can get this drug without therapy? Sounds too good to be true.

Please call this number ImMEDIATELY...

1-800-273-8255

Call it NOW!!



You think if I took Wellbutrin I'd be instantly better? And you can get this drug without therapy? Sounds too good to be true.

You won't be instantly better, it takes a couple of weeks for it to work. Also, I don't know why people keep harping on this medication. It does not work for everyone, there are different meds for different people.

Some people need therapy, others don't. It really depends on your particular situation.

Hi Lemons,
I'm just home. Good advice from J-9.
Do call that number. You can call right now.

1-800-273-8255

They will help you.

You are very brave. Hang in there.
asking

The suicide hot line...


I'm not about to kill myself tonight or tie up their line. I'm just completely directionless and feel alone. I'm scared of my decisions. I need to pick something and stick with it and just suck it up and deal. I need to accept that no one can help me now but myself.

I'm sorry if I scared any of you.

Sometimes it's hard to tell what people mean when it's just words on a screen. A lot is lost.

It's true that direction has to come from you and that's a hard transition when teachers and parents have been telling you what to do pretty much all your life. But that's NOT something you have to do right now. And when you are ready, there are lots of people who can help you figure it out. Just let that go for now. You are young and have LOTS of time. Some people don't figure out what they really want to do until they are in their 30s.

On the other hand, you need help with your inclination to hurt yourself. That's not something you should try to handle on your own. You don't have to do everything alone.

Be patient with yourself. For now, just find help in getting well.
Worry about school and the direction your life should take when you are feeling strong.

All I want in the world right now is a place to stay, very far from home, with a guy. I just want to be held. I don't want to make decisions, and I don't want to be alone. Then I want some magic pill to make me happy and well adjusted. The whole having to get to help, be open and honest, and spend money things are in my way.

I don't believe the whole "you are young and have your whole life ahead of you" philosophy. We spend a fifth of our lives in school, approximately, based on the mistaken 100 year scale. After 50, 60, or 70-depending on lifestyle and gentics-you lose the physical and mental ability to do a lot of things. As an American, I only have about 75 years anyway. I want to live while I'm able. I can't afford to slow down..

I think I ought to sleep. My mom gave me wine to help me stay calm tonight.

Your original post was aug 5 it is almost Sept and you still feel the way you do. I think the others may be right that you need to find somebody that you can talk to and get help and advice from since you still feel this way.

Life is work and things don't come easy.
We all want things, basic things, that we don't always get. We have to find the inner strength within us to make whatever work.
You need to learn to rely and depend on you.
I know it sucks being alone. I have spent most of my life feeling alone and never had anybody that really loved or understood me.
But you have to work on the positive things in your life and accentuate them.
A guy isn't going to really fill that void you feel.
He will be nice to have to be held by and be there for you but in the long run you need your own identity and self worth.

I use to watch my grandmother. She put all her life and identity into her husband. Then when he died she was lost.

The suicide hot line...


I'm not about to kill myself tonight or tie up their line. I'm just completely directionless and feel alone. I'm scared of my decisions. I need to pick something and stick with it and just suck it up and deal. I need to accept that no one can help me now but myself.

I'm sorry if I scared any of you.

Yes, the suicide hotline. You are killing yourself slowly. You need someone anonymous to talk to. They can help you. They can also point you in the right direction for someone to talk to in your area for free or reduced cost.

Not so slowly--14 extra strength tylenol.

Not so slowly--14 extra strength tylenol.

True, that could be a very quick ending to such a young life.

I read online while I was freaking out that night that some people could take half a bottle and be okay.

I need to find where I'm going next. I'm just afraid of not being qualified enough and the time and money I'll waste getting qualified. That probably doesn't make any sense, but I'm thinking volunteer work. Sort of like the peace corp, but not really as I do not have a college degree. Maybe with animals or the environment as the victim instead. I'm afraid college and life experience will stand in my way.

Which means learning cpr and survival skills. Probably getting a job and license in the mean time. I just don't want to be here even a month. I may even have to go online or take night classes, if the loans will transfer and it's absolutely necessary. I can't do dorm life again.


I'm not sure if it's depression or just that I am constantly where I'm not supposed to be with the wrong people. I spent a week camping, rock climbing, white water rafting, and back packing before college. In the smaller setting and with my spending the majority of my time with people older than me or more mature; I was pretty content. I prefer people older and more experienced than me. They are so much more interesting and accepting, and you can learn a lot from them..





I do hear what you are saying about me killing myself slowly. That's why I need to keep moving..

Will you get your butt to a doc. I'm going against the grain here with respect to Welbutrin. My friend, who has VERY SIMILAR characteristics as you felt a difference in two days. Yes, this is not typical. Yes, it appears to me magic. One of the benefits was the ABILITY to think clearly. From the anti-depressants that I have taken for off label uses, this makes the most sense.

Call your primary care physicain, if you have one. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist (they prescribe primarily for mental illnesses).

PLEASE MAKE THAT APPOINTMENT.

What are the similarities, other than writing? What does your friend have?

Unable to think clearly. Generally withdrawn socially. Tried to commit suicide many time using pills. Huge sexual urges. Wanting to please, usually with money. Bad life decisions. Trouble sleeping. Huge anxiety problems. Always has to be doing something.

Unfortunately, he is a psychological therapist with a Master's degree. I am the ONLY person that he has opened up to.

We met on the internet and in person and I've been to his place and he has been to mine.

Yes, I was surprised that it worked so fast for him. Generally the trials for depression meds can take months. Usually there is a guess and a trial and then try to increase to the max or theraputic dosage or until an unbearable side effect occurs.

Unfortunately, anti-depressants can increase or decrease suicide risk, so it's important to get off them promptly if these occur. Generally, it's advisable to slowly wean off the medications.

It might be prescribed like this: 100 mg 1x perday for 1 week. If tolerated, then increase to 2x per day.

If it were me. I'd get a 30 day supply with renewals prescribed as 1 tablet 2x/day. It's understood by you and your doctor what the real directions are. Happens all the time. Hardly any of my directions are right.

From drugstore.com, the price of the drug is about $200/60 tab and Welbutrin SR it's available in 3 strengths. It works for 12 hours. I would recommend bedtime and noon, the mfr doesn't.

My doc is receptive with dosing. He'll just say, whatever works, works.

Your parent's are both taking anti-depressants, so because of hereditary issues, you are probably a candidate too.

I read online while I was freaking out that night that some people could take half a bottle and be okay.

That would depend entirely on the dosage of the pills in the bottle and the size of the bottle. Junior tablets are 160 mg, regular strength are 325 mg, extra strength are 500 mg.

Just to address this concretely. The National Institutes of Health (NIH) website (http://www.nlm.nih.gov/MEDLINEPLUS/ency/article/002598.htm]Acetaminophen overdose: MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia) says this:


You should not take more than 4000 mg of acetaminophen a day. Taking more, especially 7000 mg or more, can lead to a severe overdose if not treated.

For 500 mg (extra strength), 4000 mg is 8 pills and 7000 is 14. There is a big difference between "a day" and all at once. You took yours all at once. Also, "you" varies. If you are a 250 pound guy you are going to be able to handle more than if you are a much smaller woman, which you are.

NIH also says: "Symptoms may not occur until 12 or more hours after the acetaminophen was swallowed." This probably explains why you felt crummy the next day. How are you feeling physically now? You sound better.

You might also want to call the poison control center number just to chat about this and to ease your mind about calling them if you are in crisis again and take more pills--which I hope you don't:


The National Poison Control Center (1-800-222-1222) can be called from anywhere in the United States. This national hotline number will let you talk to experts in poisoning. They will give you further instructions.

This is a free and confidential service. All local poison control centers in the United States use this national number. You should call if you have any questions about poisoning or poison prevention. It does NOT need to be an emergency. You can call for any reason, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.


... I'm thinking volunteer work. Sort of like the peace corp, but not really as I do not have a college degree. Maybe with animals or the environment as the victim instead. I'm afraid college and life experience will stand in my way.

Which means learning cpr and survival skills. Probably getting a job and license in the mean time. I just don't want to be here even a month. I may even have to go online or take night classes, if the loans will transfer and it's absolutely necessary. I can't do dorm life again.


I'm not sure if it's depression or just that I am constantly where I'm not supposed to be with the wrong people. I spent a week camping, rock climbing, white water rafting, and back packing before college. In the smaller setting and with my spending the majority of my time with people older than me or more mature; I was pretty content. I prefer people older and more experienced than me. They are so much more interesting and accepting, and you can learn a lot from them..


I do hear what you are saying about me killing myself slowly. That's why I need to keep moving..

Yes. This all sounds very good to me. You are thinking about things constructively. I like the outdoors too... :)

Vista (http://www.americorps.gov/for_individuals/overview/index.asp) only requires that you be 18.

The Youth Conservation Corps (http://www.nps.gov/gettinginvolved/youthprograms/ycc.htm) is outdoors in national parks. There are similar state programs.

Also, there's VolunteerMatch - Where Volunteering Begins (http://www.volunteermatch.org/).

Still, give yourself time to think things through, and make an appointment today with a counselor, psychiatrist or just a regular doctor. That needs to be part of your plan.

In addition, ask for a liver function test. It's just a blood test, but you should have one.

This is what I have been looking at...

GVI Volunteer Abroad Programs in Africa South America, Asia & Europe (http://www.gviusa.com/)
Crewing at Sea - Sea Shepherd (http://www.seashepherd.org/get-involved/crewing-at-sea.html)

The first would definitely require I work and save a lot of money. I'd have to look into the programs more, but it appears as though you don't go into the programs with degrees and qualification but rather leave with them. Again, too good to be true?

The second is a group of potential outlaws, if you watch whale wars. I've only seen a couple episodes, but my dad says they were arrested for ramming a boat. I'm not about to become a pirate or "eco-terrorist". I just like that the lodging and food is provided for, and I'd be a part of something worthwhile-even if I'm just a small, nearly insignifigant part. I'd have to learn cpr though, at least, and be open to a very extended time at sea.

My dad says I'm an adrenaline junkie. I know I'm restless and impulsive. I like the extreme..


5'6ish and 120lbs isn't quite lightweight either. I do feel better, physically. I was definitely off for a while-even riding in the car or elevator was a bit much. I'm inclined to motion sickness as it is, but my head and stomach felt pretty fragile.


I don't know if you can say those were suicide attempts. It wasn't my initial goal, but I accepted it as a potential outcome. The last time, when I took 21, I saw it as a likely outcome and made myself throw them up. I also don't think you can say I have "huge sexual urges". I'm 18 and a virgin, so it's not surprising I want to know what sex is like. At any rate, I said I wanted to be "held" meaning lie next to a guy with his arms around me. That's not sex. You make it sound so easy to get the pills. Wouldn't it be "drug seeking behavior" if I went to a doctor and said "hey, these people I've been talking to think I have high anxiety and depression and suggested Wellbutrin. Can you write me a slip and call this a day?"

Okay, exaggeration. I know my mind doesn't work the way most people's do. I am incredibly indecisive. I can go back and forth on the pros and cons of a decision forever and still be unsure when I've finally forced myself to make it. I just don't feel right getting this help while I am reliant on family still. I'm 18, but the money and insurance has to come from somewhere. I'd need a ride to these places and people. My problem with the college was that the center was on campus and through the college. I just need it strictly between me and whoever is helping..

If you approach it right it's not pill seeking.

You can use the list on the website that I showed earlier. You can use the approach that " I have these issues and check them off on the sheet. Hand them to the doc.

Fill in more details with examples.

You can tell him that "my parents take anti-depressants" Find out the name of the drug.

Then use the "It's been suggested that Welbutrin be a first order trial for me". What do you think?

If you approach it right, it's not a problem.

Your letting the doc make the decision.

I've had just the opposite relationships. Went to doc the first time and she suggested possibilities and asked me to do some research on the web and select one for a trial. I only saw this doc about 1x before that happened.

My other doc worked on a different approach and this is the one that's usually taken. Lets try drugs that will do little harm and ones that cost the least. I proposed drugs for trials. He proposed drugs for trials. One was Botox for an off label use. That would cost me $500, so it was "on the back burner", but eventually tried.

Being "proactive" helps, but some docs aren't that receptive.

So I emailed the GVI volunteer people and asked them some questions. They take a lot of people fresh out of high school, taking a year off college or just looking for something to do. I could do it.. I just need a job to cover the expenses. Depending on the trip, I can already afford half. It's just you need to pay your own air faire too. I'm developing a plan. College is still a possibility later..


Do I really need medication and therapy, or just to stop doing for anyone but myself?
The liver function test, I understand. I just don't really understand myself. I don't know if I have an illness or am just eccentric with low self esteem..


Maybe no one is truly depressed. Maybe we are all just trying to be something we are not.

I think you need a medication. Let a doc decide.

Do I really need medication and therapy, or just to stop doing for anyone but myself?
The liver function test, I understand. I just don't really understand myself. I don't know if I have an illness or am just eccentric with low self esteem..

It doesn't matter if what's bothering you has a name (i.e. it's an illness) or not. You need some kind of help from someone who can help figure out the answer to that question, and, more important, get better.

I have to keep this short today.

I told off creepy guy, finally. I can't rely on him for validation. I had to hurt him a little to help him, but he needed to get I was bad for him anyway.

I told the 26 year old I left college and my new plan. I told him if he wants to talk, I'm here, but I won't make his life anymore complicated than it already is. He knows how to find me, but I know he won't.

I won't talk to friends or family (except for one of my best friends and if anyone bothers to reach me) until things are more in motion. They disapprove of my dropping out anyway and are never satisfied. They are always asking me what comes next.

I know my mind is different, but I don't know what that translates to. I think if I keep distracted and busy, I won't fall into that rut again. I'm afraid of what drugs would do to me. Stabalize me maybe, but then maybe I'd be boring (more boring?), too.

I could keep talking on here as long as people responded. However, I think I need to step back and let people who are more proactive get the advice I can't quite seem to take.

I know I should get a liver function test and some kind of help or advice from a professional. I know I need to stop hurting myself. Maybe someday I can achieve this.


Thank you all for your support and advice. I don't quite want to step back, but I think you have probably done all you can for me.

I know my mind is different, but I don't know what that translates to. I think if I keep distracted and busy, I won't fall into that rut again. I'm afraid of what drugs would do to me. Stabalize me maybe, but then maybe I'd be boring (more boring?), too.



Stop drugs. Back to square 1. Nothing lost If your distracted, you cannot make good decisions.




I could keep talking on here as long as people responded. However, I think I need to step back and let people who are more proactive get the advice I can't quite seem to take.



Makes little sense to me except the first line.




I know I should get a liver function test and some kind of help or advice from a professional. I know I need to stop hurting myself. Maybe someday I can achieve this.



Then do, what was suggested. What HARM can come of it?


Thank you all for your support and advice. I don't quite want to step back, but I think you have probably done all you can for me.

By drugs I mean antidepressants. I'm wary of how they would change me.

I think if I keep moving, I won't get depressed again.

I think other people are more willing to help themselves and deserve the advice and dedication I've been receiving. I'm not sure I'm ready..

Thank you.



EDIT: I just realized-even if I was ready, I can't get help now anyway. I'm 18 and not attending college nor employed, therefore I have no insurance. The liver function test isn't going to happen now either. Universal healthcare has my vote..

Tell me.. what makes people think if you don't go to college then you'll be nothing? What entitles them to make you feel like sh*t? Why is it that even someone who went to college for four years, did nothing with their degree, and now works at a job they hate, albeit successfully, thinks little of me for leaving after a week? Why does my sister, who went to two separate colleges she hated before going online for a degree she doesn't need and doesn't care about (never studies or reads the material) but is still successful, think I'm a quitter? Why does my friend, who has a worse track record with absences in high school, almost didn't go to college, and last minute ended up commuting to a community college (he started classes today), feel he can say "what a shame, I thought you'd stick it out" when I tell him what I decided. Why does my grandmother threaten to "fix" me if I lived with her, actually believing she has to make me get a job and pay rent and tell me it's not a vacation like I'm some selfish parolee when I suggested rent in a heartbeat and don't want to burden her in the first place? Why when I confide in my two closest friends about how I really felt and what was really going on do I get "holy sh*t, that's not good, no one should have to live like that" and "whattt? are you okay? tell me next time"? Maybe I'm asking too much, but I don't really feel the support.

Then my sister asking me how I plan to get the money to volunteer (after I already told her I need a job before I can do it). Then her response to my job hunt thus far and my consideration of two full time jobs; "definitely...then you can put your phone in your name". I see that as very passive aggressive, and like she wants to cut ties with me. I told her to cancel it, as I have before. I told her I can't afford it right now.

Why can't I make anyone see how I'm hurting? Why can't I find any tangible support? Am I really such a horrible person?
Then I help my friend last night and agree to spend six hours in the car with her so she can try to fix things up with her stupid boyfriend that doesn't care about her, and she thanks me for being there for her. All I really want is someone there for me.

Maybe I made the wrong decision-I don't know. I just know how miserable I was surrounded by my peers and that I felt like I couldn't fix things on my own. Being miserable fed up everything there for me.

It's so hard to just stay silent.

Hi Lemons,
I had some health stuff this week, but I'm feeling better and wanted to check in a bit.


Tell me.. what makes people think if you don't go to college then you'll be nothing? What entitles them to make you feel like sh*t? Why is it that even someone who went to college for four years, did nothing with their degree, and now works at a job they hate, albeit successfully, thinks little of me for leaving after a week? Why does my sister, who went to two separate colleges she hated before going online for a degree she doesn't need and doesn't care about (never studies or reads the material) but is still successful, think I'm a quitter? Why does my friend, who has a worse track record with absences in high school, almost didn't go to college, and last minute ended up commuting to a community college (he started classes today), feel he can say "what a shame, I thought you'd stick it out" when I tell him what I decided.

Well, there are probably different reasons for each person. The main thing is that all this stuff tells you something about THEM, not about you. I'm guessing most of them are disappointed in themselves to varying degrees and so they get it out by projecting that feeling onto you. It stinks, and you can't stop people from saying whatever they want, but you can avoid people when they are talking that way. Also, you could calmly tell them that when they say things like that it makes you feel bad and you really want their support right now.


Why does my grandmother threaten to "fix" me if I lived with her, actually believing she has to make me get a job and pay rent and tell me it's not a vacation like I'm some selfish parolee when I suggested rent in a heartbeat and don't want to burden her in the first place?

That's so galling. I hate it when people do that--just assume the worst about a person. I'm disappointed that she says something like this to you. I was hoping she would be a kind and patient granny who would give you a safe place to recover your equanimity.


Why when I confide in my two closest friends about how I really felt and what was really going on do I get "holy sh*t, that's not good, no one should have to live like that" and "whattt? are you okay? tell me next time"? Maybe I'm asking too much, but I don't really feel the support.

Here I disagree. To me, it sounds like your friends are trying to be supportive and sympathetic and even offering support--"tell me next time."

What did it feel like they were saying?


Then my sister asking me how I plan to get the money to volunteer (after I already told her I need a job before I can do it). Then her response to my job hunt thus far and my consideration of two full time jobs; "definitely...then you can put your phone in your name". I see that as very passive aggressive, and like she wants to cut ties with me. I told her to cancel it, as I have before. I told her I can't afford it right now.

My sense here is that you are overreacting a little to some mildly insensitive remarks. She may just have forgotten for a minute about your telling her about getting a job. As for the phone, is it in her name? Why does she care about it? I'm guessing there's some issue here I don't know about. Also, how much older than you is she? You might have told me, but I forget.


Why can't I make anyone see how I'm hurting? Why can't I find any tangible support? Am I really such a horrible person?

Obviously you are not a horrible person! But you do seem angry. I'm not saying you don't have reason to be. But it's hard for people close to you to cope with that. They get defensive, say things they shouldn't, then maybe you do too. It's a vicious cycle that just makes things worse.

So it might help you if you could say here what you mean by "tangible support." What is it you want from someone?


Then I help my friend last night and agree to spend six hours in the car with her so she can try to fix things up with her stupid boyfriend that doesn't care about her, and she thanks me for being there for her. All I really want is someone there for me.

So ask her to be there for you! Did you talk about your problems during the six hours? If not, tell her you need someone to talk to and ask her to help you by listening. She may be distracted by her own heart break, but she might at least try. Sometimes though you have to find someone who doesn't already have huge problems of their own. Either way, give her a try.


Maybe I made the wrong decision-I don't know. I just know how miserable I was surrounded by my peers and that I felt like I couldn't fix things on my own. Being miserable fed up everything there for me.

It's so hard to just stay silent.

No need to stay silent.

As for a "wrong decision," there's no way for me to know how your decision will turn out, or probably for you either. It's made and you'll probably have some opinion about it in a few years, but really there's no benefit in second guessing yourself now. My opinion is that you made a good decision and that you can always go back later. But what do I know? :)

It's up to you to make your plans and you can't really turn to your family and friends for that. (Not that I'm saying you are... just that they can't really help with this.) They will tend to see you as still a youngster, instead of the adult you are trying to become. I'm thinking you need some kind of mentor, and older person who is not emotionally involved and who knows about the things that interest you, who can listen and help you find your own path.

I cannot believe you responded after I said you couldn't really help me anymore. The truth is, talking helps me, but I can't expect this thread to go on another twenty pages.

I wanted to say I did something proactive. I almost called poison control today to ask how messed up my liver is, if it is. Then I slept till noon and my parents were in and out, and I just decided it wasn't worth it. Like I said, no insurance anyway.

I have told them they make me feel bad. I told my sister to "stop" and she yelled at me, telling me not to get in her face (this was last Friday). She thinks it is her job to make sure I am ffully informed of my decisions. She told me basically that she's not judging me but even if she was, it shouldn't matter.

My gram didn't say all that to my face. She does love me and want the best for me. They all do. She just thinks she has to strong arm me in the right direction. Everyone gave me crap, even before I started college, to "get up and go to class". They can never just trust me to be responsible and handle my own. I'm the one hurt by my decisions, but they don't seem to believe I'll do what must be done. That hurts.

It felt like they were just doing what they thought they were expected to. I didn't really feel supported. I've always tried to go above and beyond for them. I don't by any means claim perfection. I just feel like my relationships are very unbalanced.

My sister is 22 (four years my elder). We were texting as well as we could with the awful service I get here. The phone is in her name because I didn't have a job, my parents couldn't afford a plan, and she is doing pretty well financially. It was her offer. I was supposed to get a job and pay after two months. I did not come through (I tried, but there's not much opportunity here), but she kept paying. I don't remember when it happened, but we did have a fight and I told her to cancel it. She never did. The fight was more about my going to college and her not wanting to cosign because she wanted to buy a house. The phone just got thrown into the mix. I kept it from my parents best I could (they were really pushing for her to cosign), but I told them I didn't want to drag her into my finances. They knew something was up (I'd been crying), but no one ever did cosign.

I want someone that can be there physically and emotionally if I need them. Not someone in another state that I met on the internet or someone so wrapped up in their own life that they can't at least make sure I'm okay. I want someone that will come after me when I push them away (as I so often do) because they know I really need them and that I'm just trying to do them a favor. It's asking a lot, I know.

The six hour drive will happen this Saturday (if she can get the car). She's always so busy. I don't know..

I used to be able to stay silent. Now I'm (too) vocal, it seems, but I still get no response.


I took this test that I've taken many times before sometime last night/early this morning. I think this is the most accurate it has ever been, at least in the symptoms..

Disorder Rating Information
Paranoid: High more info | forum

Schizoid: Moderate more info | forum

Schizotypal: Very High more info | forum

Antisocial: Moderate more info | forum

Borderline: Very High more info | forum

Histrionic: Moderate more info | forum

Narcissistic: Low more info | forum

Avoidant: Very High more info | forum

Dependent: Very High more info | forum

Obsessive-Compulsive: High


Personality Disorder Test - Personality Test (http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv?stat=1)


-------
I didn't realize you had health issues. I hope you are feeling better, asking.

I cannot believe you responded after I said you couldn't really help me anymore. The truth is, talking helps me, but I can't expect this thread to go on another twenty pages.

I will write more later. But I laughed when you said you can't expect the thread to go on for another 20 pages.

Look at this one. It's 65 pages!
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/really-like-you-but-still-love-ex-10-yrs-253785.html

Take care,
asking

Okay. I guess we'll see.

I just feel like such a loser right now. People's opinions of me matter way too much to me, and what I am trying to do will not be easy and is risky.

Plus it bothers me to no end that he (the 26 year old) won't talk to me. I should have known better than to trust him when he said I could get ahold of him anytime for anything. I'm so messed up for caring about and liking a guy I've never even met. I feel like I need to prove to him I'm somebody.

So much in my head right now..

Interesting YouTube video to watch:

YouTube - Dead Porn Stars Memorial www.shelleylubben.com (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0q_VGacfNk)

Not for the message that it conveys at the end, but the messgae that the video could convey in your situation. It's worth watching.

They're all so young and pretty. That's sad..

I see Anastasia Blue died of an actual tylenol overdose. I wonder how much she took.

At risk of you giving up on me completely, I took 18 yesterday, but not all at once. First eight, then I waited an hour or two (I'm really not sure) and took ten more. I felt/feel nothing. It didn't affect me at all, other than for the partial legit reason-it did relieve my cramps. That's why I took 14 that night-to feel something or nothing. The 26 year old actually questioned that-he asked why tylenol when it doesn't make you high or anything.

I go from feeling really good about my decision to feeling really lonely and hopeless (a loser). As with the benadryl, once it's gone, I have to stop. There's never any benadryl in the house now-I don't think so anyway. Maybe if tylenol made me hallucinate shadow people on my ceiling, showed me it was hurting me somehow, it would be enough to really scare me. It scares me, but I don't have any evidence my fears are valid. I can't explain without sounding like an idiot. All I can compare it to is starting/continuing to smoke in this day in age-but of course an addiction plays a part in that.

I think if I throw myself into two full time jobs and get the volunteer abroad expeditions/courses in sight.. we all need something to aspire to.

Believe it or not, I'm not trying to die. I'm not brave/cowardly enough to take that plunge.

Acetaminophen (Tylenol) Poisoning (http://www.emedicinehealth.com/acetaminophen_tylenol_poisoning/article_em.htm)

You haven't made that appointment yet, have you.

Glad you took the video to heart.

I don't have insurance. That ended with college.

Depending on the cost, I'd still need a friend or family member to take me to a hospital for the liver test. I'm really not comfortable with therapy and could never afford it now anyhow.

My stomach is fine, and I don't appear to be yellow. Other than my ears popping and my head feeling a little off, I'm fine (I really think that's just guilt because I swear I was fine a second ago). That's not even a symptom to begin with. I'm pretty sure it's been more than twenty four hours.

Here is a liver function test for $49.

The Future of Online Medicine (http://www.kwikmed.com/default.asp)

Wait-if they still need the blood sample, then how can it be an online prescription? What difference does it make, I mean?

$49 sucks, because I want to save, but it is definitely doable. I should do it. I calculated, from what I remember taking in August (and now September) that I've taken the equivalent of 1 tylenol a day for two months with 13 leftover. (My math is horrible, I came out to about 6a day for 2 months by dividing by 8.. that was scary).

7 + 8 + 14 +18 (not counting the 21, they weren't there long) = 47
60 - 47 = 13

It's 2:30am, and I usually think/work the best when it's late/early like this.

I think I can explain the tylenol. Whenever I wanted something bad to happen to me, it would happen to a person or animal I cared about instead. Not necessarily the same thing. More recently my great aunt and my sister's boyfriend's dad found out they had cancer. Both will be operated on tomorrow, and if my sister's boyfriend's dad's cancer has spread then the outlook is pretty grim (I have met him, and he's the sort of nice man that doesn't say much but does for others-I wouldn't wish ill of ANYONE regardless). Then today my sister's boyfriend's daughter smashed up her bike and broke her collar bone. This happens a lot when I'm at my worst and makes me question whether I am responsible. That's not something I often share, but with the one person I shared this with, she claimed she felt exactly the same sometimes.

For me, I think it's a mix of things. I do it when I'm hating on myself, when I'm desperately lonely, when I'm feeling hopeless, and that sort of thing. But it's also kind of a challenge. This isn't an empty wish, it's an act. Either I'm untouchable or I will get burned. It can't hurt anyone but me (physically). I always say I don't believe in god but am agnostic rather than outright atheist. I kind of feel like half the time I'm challenging god to prove something to me (existence). If that's the case, then I must believe?

I just wish I could pick the one (right) decision and stick with it. In this case it would be to get help, regardless of the cost, or to make myself ask my friend to take me for a liver test Saturday.

Last night I dreamt that the 26 year old was holding me. This was the dream definition..

"Cuddle
To dream that you are cuddling with someone, indicates your need for physical and/or emotional contact. Do not overlook the obvious meaning of this dream which suggests your heart's desire for that particular person. Also consider the symbolism of that person you are cuddling with and determine how you need to acknowledge, accept, and unify those qualities in yourself." - Dream Moods A-Z Dream Dictionary (http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/)

Hi I have been reading some of your posts and am concerned for you. I have been living with bipolar disorder since 1992. I am stable on my meds now and have'nt had an episode in two years. But anyway I am in college now studying to be an art therapist. I am hardly an expert in mental health but from my own personal experience I would have to say that therapy and medications can help.In the state I live in we have community mental health which is where I go for help. They have a sliding scale fee if you do not have health insurance. I can kind of relate to your situation because in 2000 I had a serious suicide attempt I od'ed on one of my mood stabilizers and had to go to the hospital. They pumped my stomach and stuck a tube down my throat- I was in the ICU for four days. After that I vowed to never try to hurt myself again. I was lucky you may not be if you keep taking too much tyelnol.Please see if there is a community mental health organization in your area. There are also crisis hotlines you can call if you feel like hurting yourself. I do not think you have bipolar like me or anything but you may suffer from depression. It would be a good idea to at least make some phone calls. Also NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness - Mental Health Support, Education and Advocacy (http://www.nami.org) is a helpful site. Good luck.

I live in a small city in New York with a population of around 8,000. I don't think there's going to be something like that here. There's a NAMI place 45 minutes away, but I don't really see a way they can help me, just by skimming the site (which is useful, I just mean they don't provide free therapy or anything).

I asked my friend if she'd drive me for a liver function test, and she said she would. Except she won't be home again until the 25th. Even if I can get a blood liver function test for $49, I doubt it would cover the lab work and the visit itself. I don't know if I can just get it or if I need a consult first. I almost emailed my local hospital, but I didn't want to give them my name/address/phone number and wasn't even sure if I was contacting the right place or if they could answer my questions. Everyone knows everyone here as it is, so..

Then the 26 year old told me last night he got back with his fiancé. He said he should've told me that and not to take offense that he doesn't fill me on his personal life because that's just how he is. Then he apologised for ignoring me last week, saying it was his defense mechanism. He said I was free to vent to him anytime, but last week was just too much. I told him that it was great about his fiancé and was happy for him, but I said it was fine and that I shouldn't have told him anything last week anyway. Then today I got on and didn't talk to him. I got on later and saw he didn't have me as a friend anymore (on the game). Then he signed off. So either I say too much or not enough. I can't win, I give up. On him, on people, I don't even care. I'm just tired of it all.

There's no help for me without the money and courage to better my situation. Thanks for trying.

Calling some sort of 1-800- 24hr crisis hotline on the phone would be free. There are a lot of those out there you could probably find a hotline in your area if you look on the internet under suicide prevention or something. I think you need more of a trained professional to talk too. Without asking you directly where you are from let me just do a quick internet search and see if I can find you any crisis hotlines in New York.

Here are two websites I found :
The Samaritans of New York - Homepage (http://www.samaritansnyc.org/)
And this one too New York Suicide & Crisis Hotlines - When You Feel You Can't Go On... Call a Suicide Hotline. / SuicideHotlines.com - Direction for immediate crisis intervention for the gravely suicidal & treatment for major clinical suicidal depression. (http://suicidehotlines.com/newyork.html) maybe if you tried calling one of these hotlines before taking any tyelonol or pills or cutting or anything to hurt yourself maybe then you could feel better. I really think you need someone to listen to you and if it were someone in your area they could better advise and assist you. Please do not feel as though there is no help for you there are places willing to help but first you must reach out.

Turns out the game glitched today, and he was drunk last night when he said all that. He doesn't even remember it. Things still suck between us though because I'm always upset now and always get upset with him or make him upset with me. It hurt that he can apologise and be so nice drunk, but in the end it means nothing because he wasn't in the right frame of mind when he said it.

I had a persistent headache and felt tired and tipsy even though I slept from 2-noon (saw no point in getting up at ten when there's nothing for me to do here). I have to make myself take care of myself (ie. Get up and brush my teeth and get ready for bed). I took 8 tylenol, and my head still hurt (but has stopped now). I felt so close to just asking my mom if she could take me to a therapist earlier and not tell my dad, but I'm far from that now. Besides, she would tell him, and he would not leave me alone if I admitted it.

But I feel like it's probably something real because I can't seem to shake it. And I'm not sure I can do anything productive until I fix it. The most proactive I get is looking at options on the internet (jobs, colleges, volunteer abroad qualifications, therapists, and my local hospital), but even the idea of talking to an actual person and hearing a voice is scary.

Is it wrong that I kind of just want to be committed? Because then I wouldn't have to tell them how I get so much as have them witness it. And I'd be safe from myself and away from reality for a while. Maybe I could just link them this site and let them see for themselves rather than try to explain. It would give them something to go on.

I don't know if you can say I'm suicidal. A danger, maybe, but not outright suicidal. I don't want to tie up there lines.

Thank you for the links.

Can liver damage be reversed?

The liver is a unique organ. It is the only organ in the body that is able to regenerate... that is completely repair the damage. With most organs, such as the heart, the damaged tissue is replaced with scar, like on the skin. The liver, however, is able to replace damaged tissue with new cells. An extreme example is a patient who suffers an overdose from Tylenol. In this example up to 50 - 60 percent of the liver cells may be killed within 3 - 4 days. However, if no other complications arise, the patient's liver will repair completely, and a liver biopsy after 30 days will appear completely normal with no signs of damage and no scar.


Liver Disease: Frequently Asked Questions: Health Topics: University of Iowa Health Care (http://www.uihealthcare.com/topics/medicaldepartments/internalmedicine/liverdisease/index.html)

Reviving this with new ideas..

To be honest, I did take eight tylenol yesterday kind of spitefully as I was upset by my mother. Other than that, I haven't since whenever I last said I did on here (it feels like forever ago, but it hasn't been a month yet since I dropped out).

I remembered something.. my mom works with two autistic men now. One is around thirty and the other is twenty. I've met and kind of "helped" her with both, I guess you could say (setting up an online game for the thirty year old and just talking to, and when I was younger, hanging out with the twenty year old). I've known the twenty year old since he was in the seventh grade (I was nine). My mom started working with him then, and she was in school with him all day. Then she often did activities with him outside of school to help him socialize and kind of branch out. I remember swimming with him and my friend a couple times, and he still does card club. Anyhow, I was jealous. That's what I figured out. I don't know if that's what KISS meant when he suspected abuse/neglect or if that makes any sense out of me, but her time with him started in the midst of when things started getting really sucky. I felt like she didn't have enough time for me, and I resented him. It was a long time before I saw him as the sweet guy he really is (though sometimes he does still irk me-like when I'd need a ride somewhere and want my music or to talk to my mom but he's there and I have to censor myself-especially when I've had a bad day). I think that's when I really started to withdraw because I guess I felt a little abandoned. Then I remember being mad at her-both of my parents, but it was her new schedule that messed things up-because I couldn't hang out with friends or do what I wanted really so much anymore because I had to work around her schedule.

(It still bothers me when she is home and she wants to sleep or she "watches" movies with my dad and I the few times I do come out by playing freecell in the other room and listening. Or today when I wanted to talk to her about politics and curent issues because I've always been a nerd that way, and she isn't in the mood for it. Or how I need both my parents right now to help me get my license and, as I have no license, go apply for jobs and get things in motion. I feel stuck again, and they never are up for anything. Either they are busy or they are tired or they become busy and I am interrupted, most days.)

Then I don't know if this anything other than boredom, but my sleep habits have been so messed up. It's about 4am now. Two nights ago I was up until 5am, then slept until 12pm. Last night I was up until midnight, then slept until 11am. Since dropping out, it's basically consisted of me sleeping noon then saying up until 2am at the latest. Then I don't even want to wake up at noon, but I do and eat. Then I just wan to go back to sleep, but I make myself stay up and wake up. Then, when I should be exhausted and ready for bed, I get involved in life altering decisions and just can't seem to make myself go to bed. When I stayed with my friend at her college last weekend and was forced to go to bed at 1 or 2am, I tossed and turned half the night.

Penultimately, I don't trust myself. I think I am a perpetual dreamer. I was sooo excited for that college as I saw it as a way out of my hometown that I loathe so much. In a big city far away with no one I knew, I saw it as a chance to start over and be who I wanted to be. Now that I've dropped out, I've chalked it up to lack of direction and trying to be soemthing I'm not. Now I have found a new school I am in love with-and I don't trust myself. I'm too intense, and it worries me. I haven't even applied yet, and I'm looking at all these courses and imagining having my own cheap car so I can drive off campus to the woods or the beach and escape people. Or how I could just drive around the new state and explore-maybe go to the city once in a while. I have the next several months suddenly mapped out-how I'll work and save, buy a cheap car, then do at least one short volunteer abroad trip before school in the summer... but I haven't applied to college, don't have a license, and don't have a job. I have plans to solve those setbacks, but is it bad that I'm getting so far ahead of myself? I saw a future at the other school too, though very different.

Lastly, I'm torn between three majors: marine biology, environmental studies, and adventure recreation. I love animals and want a job that will allow me to work around the world (I'm prepared to spend six years on a masters) in exciting locations. The volunteer abroad trips have gotten me interested in the conservation aspect of this (though I always sort of was anyway). Then I love things that involve risk and adventure. A lot of the courses for adventure recreation sound right up my alley-they are amazing! However, I was thinking marine biology would be best, and then I could take the courses for adventure recreation that interest me (there's a lot!) if I am allowed as they would probably be useful they way I want to work anyway. However, I know biology was not my favorite class in high school (though I enjoy science) as my teacher was really not all that great at teaching in a way that worked for me (endless tangents and marking up pre-printed notes with illustrations and things that bothered me to add, though necessary, because they seemed like graffiti to me). Then I'm horrible at math. I guess I could always change my major if I can't cut it as a marine biologist, but then I don't really want to be a tour guide either. Ahh, I don't know what to do.


It feels better to have my thoughts written out like that. Any feedback is welcome.

You hit the nail on the head (neglect) and this, I think, confirms it: http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/long_term_consequences.pdf

Agree/disagree?

I think you identified the problem, so you have something to work with. Good job.

To give you something's to look at: Amazon.com: (http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias&#37;3Daps&field-keywords=childhood+neglect&x=15&y=22)

I looked up the definition of neglect..

Child neglect: Child neglect is the most frequently reported form of child abuse (60% of all cases) and the most lethal.

Child neglect is the failure to provide for the shelter, safety, supervision and nutritional needs of the child. Child neglect may be physical, educational, or emotional neglect:

Physical neglect includes refusal of or delay in seeking health care, abandonment, expulsion from the home or refusal to allow a runaway to return home, and inadequate supervision.

Educational neglect includes the allowance of chronic truancy, failure to enroll a child of mandatory school age in school, and failure to attend to a special educational need.

Emotional neglect includes such actions as marked inattention to the child's needs for affection, refusal of or failure to provide needed psychological care, spouse abuse in the child's presence, and permission of drug or alcohol use by the child.

Child neglect definition - Medical Dictionary definitions of popular medical terms easily defined on MedTerms (http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=8358)

The bolds are possible truths. Going backwards, my mom let me take pills to sleep sometimes (I think sometimes they were hers, but I didn't care). This happened a lot when my dog first died and I just wanted to sleep and not think. Then she let me have wine since she found out about my sister and her boyfriend letting me get drunk. Except I'm an 18, so I wouldn't really count that. Though she let me have it when I got back from college that night to keep me calm. She has given me small overdoses before, like 3 or 4 tylenol, when I was especially in pain. (permission of drug or alcohol abuse by the child)

I'm not sure about "failure to provide needed psychological care". I'm not sure if I needed it then or necessarily need it now. My mom brought it up a lot, but she never followed through with anything because I freaked out so bad. I think that ones on me. I never let people help me.

I told you how I felt she wasn't there for me when I needed her. (marked inattention to the child's needs for affection)

I missed a lot of school. I think it started in seventh grade, but maybe it was sixth. My parents weren't always happy about it-especially my dad-but they let me. I stayed home because I felt ugly or because I was exhausted or because I hated people or because I was behind in homework because I was tired.. sometimes my mom let me stya home without my dad's permission. I'd have to stay quiet when he came home from lunch because neither of us wanted to make him angry. It worked until senior year when the nurse, out to get me because I always had excuses, would call my dad at work to ask where I was rather than my mom. (the allowance of chronic truancy)

I'd say "failure to attend to a special educational need", but I never let anyone help me with math. That's how I fell behind and developed problems with it.

It wasn't physical, other than that one fight we had. I felt abandoned sometimes, bit it wasn't abandonment. I was never really home alone, that I remember, until I was sixteen. By then, I loved it. Before that I had my sister with me in the house (she is four years older). They never noticed the cutting or the pills or the burning or when I occasionally drank at my friend's house (never drunk), but then most parents wouldn't.

(That's another thing.. I've wondered before if my mom burns. She has a lot of burn scars on her arms, but they are on the tops, not the inside like mine. She used to be a waitress/bartender and lived in a very traditional home (she's 55 and was raised on a farm), so maybe it's from that. Except sometimes she still gets them, and her answers are very vague when I ask where she got them. She never really tells me, just says it's a burn. Either I'm reading too much into it because I do it, or there's something (new) she's not telling me.)

Then my sister has always said she raised herself, and that our parents did the best they could so to forgive and move on. She's had issues with crappy boyfriends (lost her virginity at 13/14 to a guy two years older, had a live in boyfriend her freshmen year at college who she became engaged to and ended up hitting her once, then some stoners and whatever she never told me), but other than that she has always been hugely successful and has a great boyfriend now.

Except I know my parents love and care about me. I think I remember telling her how I felt wayyy back when I was a kid and her job first started, but then I decided the job was important. I brought it up kind of recently, and she said she will try harder and did watch one movie with us to completion and then House last night (which happened to be about him finally getting help for his depression problems).

With neglect, I always pictured the unwashed, smelly kids at school who wore the same thing every day because their parents didn't care. I don't know, but then my sister always felt like I stole their attention growing up and I always blamed her. I'm still super sensitive to being talked over or ignored (I used to flat out refuse to continue what I'd been saying if I was cut off). So confusing.

As for your site, I have often considered I might be borderline since learning the term. Then how I spontaneously developed allergies when I was 14, but they don't bother me except in New York and aren't as bad as they used to be (the first couple summers I was miserable, and I always just thought it was a plant newly introduced to the area that only grows in New York-regular pollen doesn't bother me, and you can see it covering the windshields sometimes when I'm in Pennsylvania). I just don't know. I think it's common for parents to get involved in work and not always support their kids the way their kids would like. I just happen to be very sensitive. Have you read the book? Thank you.

Only 13 tylenol left by the way.

I'll read your response when my head feels better. It's trying to rain.

Meanwhile, plant the Tylenols in some soil and see what kind of plant grows.

I have that effect on people.;)

It rained here earlier. I love the rain.

I actually laughed when you said to plant the tylenol. However, I'm going to finish them tonight and be done with it. I'm frustrated and don't really care about my liver at the moment. At least after tonight I'll be done.

I think if it was neglect, it's more than that now.

I get headaches when it rains. You were supposed to laugh when I said to "plant the Tylenol


I think if it was neglect, it's more than that now.

That's the point. You are what you eat. Or, your upbringing molds the way you think, act and respond. You were not conditioned the right way.

And now I'm sad the tylenol is gone because it was a really satisfying way to hurt myself.

Why is it so hard to listen to me? No one listens.

It's always the same friggin fight with my dad. He wants to do something to my computer that I couldn't care less about. He somehow forgets or disregards the fact that I have germ issues and don't want him touching things or me or going in my room. He comes in my room (this time struggling to install wireless that we don't need because I am the only one with a laptop, I only feel safe in my room, and the cable is 6ft long). He touches my laptop to get it where he can see, touching my bed in the process because he is clumsy. He then knocks my wireless mouse off the bed in the same stroke. I tell him to leave it please, I beg him not to touch anything. He picks up the mouse and sets it on my bed. He wants me to bring the laptop out in the living room. I tell him I don't want to do this and I don't need it. He flips out on me, saying I always ask him to help me (I asked him for some password it said I needed but definitely didn't make-he didn't listen to me about that either, even though I told him repeatedly), but then I never let him help. He gets all hurt and angry and storms off. I have just spent an hour and a half setting up something I never wanted, letting my food go cold (and now I'm worried, as I tend to make less sense the more upset I get, that because there was a fly in my room it may have landed on my food and laid eggs and if I eat it... all I've had today anyway is cereal, so I'm really hungry, but I can't eat it.. ). It's just not fair or right. Why can't people listen to me??




I just hate my life and me and this whole thing. My life isn't horrible, but it's miserable. I just wish I could break from everything and run off and disappear. The only thing I'm afraid of is hurting my family. I just know I don't want to be here.

I say this as gently as I can - tylenol causes liver damage and that's a terrible, terrible, painful death.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day you will have some very serious liver problems.

Please - rethink what you are doing.

Why is Tylenol "satisfying" to you.

And if you think running away is hurting your family - do you have any idea what suicide will do to them? One of my very best friends killed herself. Left a family, a husband, two children - and they all suffer to this day.

Please - get help.

I just hate my life and me and this whole thing. My life isn't horrible, but it's miserable. I just wish I could break from everything and run off and disappear. The only thing I'm afraid of is hurting my family. I just know I don't want to be here.

Do not think me rude but I think you are going the opposite way to get away from it all.

By hurting your body and making life miserable, you are going to be stuck where you are, say years from now,or maybe even in a worse place,like the hospital because your body cannot function on its own after all the damage.

Plus you will be stuck with the people who you feel do not understand you because you have chosen to make yourself miserable by being where you are and not moving on.

I am sure a lot of people here have given great advice already, and you have been thankful for it, but you are not ready for change.

Maybe you need to find something you might like to do, if you would like to start a list of things you like as hobbies, as a job, or even to learn about, maybe we can find a constructive way to go about finding a solution.

I haven't had any tylenol since September 23rd, according to my post. I finished 98 pills in, I think, a little over a month. I'm not too sure when I started; it might be on here. I can't take anymore because 2 of the pills I gave to my mom when she was sick, so she knows I know where mine are. This means that if I were to get tylenol from the medicine cabinet for any reason, it would be suspicious. She bought me the bottle, and the pills should have lasted a lot longer if I was using them correctly.

Despite the fact that I still have a knife in my room since before I left for college, and a candle because we lost power in a storm a week or so ago, I haven't cut or burned in a while. Again, I'm not sure when the last time was, but I think it has been since before I dropped out.

I only think of suicide as an option when I get into this weird mood very late at night where I am tired but don't feel so. I feel almost like it doesn't matter what I do and tomorrow may never come, though I know it will, and I get really bold and impulsive-and sometimes pessimistic. It does not help when I read how unemployment is up to, on average, 9.8% and how employers can take their time hiring people until they find the perfect applicant because there are so many compettitors. It makes me feel like I am never going to get a job in my small hometown and get out of here, because above all else I will need money. I don't think I'd ever actually resort to that, just like I'd never run away. I'm not brave enough for either. I even told my mom when I considered moving out a day after I thought of it.

I know what you are saying firmbeliever, and I think you are correct. If I wanted to change bad enough, I would, wouldn't I? I wouldn't just sleep and wallow in my despair. Late at night when I can't sleep, I'll write things on my hand that I should do. Last night it was "walk" because I watched half ton mom, half ton dad, and half ton teen, and while I am still around 120lbs, I'm deeply concerned that with my current lifestyle I am either going to become obese, waste away my muscles, or develop a blood clot from inactivity. Did I walk, though? No, I slept until 1pm. Half the time I don't remember what I wrote until I finally wake up.

I've applied for work at a local hotel and Walmart. I had an interview (ambush) at a local restaurant that I went to for an application-they weren't hiring anymore, but he gave me an interview anyway because he knew me and wanted to hear the juicy gossip about why I wasn't in college.

Hobbies.. I started cooking when I am really bored. I made chocolate chip muffins yesterday and muddy buddys last night for the first time. A week or two ago I made brownies. I can only cook if the ingredients are here, which they usually aren't, and like I said, I am concerned about eating too much and cooking can become an expensive hobby. I even eat lean cuisine to try to even things out.

Then I would like to volunteer at a therapeutic riding center I volunteered at when I was 13, but that would require me sleeping at a reasonable time and waking up early enough to go with my mom to see about it. I may take something to sleep tonight just so I can go have lunch with her and her people tomorrow and get out of the house.

I'm applying at at least three different universities in three different states. I've started the applications on two, sent out my application to the third, and sent out my SAT scores to two.

I know tylenol can cause liver damage, and yet I also know the liver has an uncanny abailty to regenerate if you let it. Then I see people like I did on Oprah last week who pop 20 vicodin a day (granted, not all at once like I did), and they are "ok" despite having done this for years. Sometimes I don't understand how the tylenol can be considered so lethal while the other is a potentially lethal addiction. I don't get how an OTC drug can put me in more immediate danger, I guess. I have stopped it though, presently.

Dying would hurt my family, but in the past I made it okay by thinking of the $10,000 they'd get if I did die and my successful older sister. I still maintain I am not likely to ever have the nerve though, and I do love my parents. You'd be surprised at the efforts I make not to hurt them. I almost feel responsible for their dreams and retirement and wish I could be rich so I could give them everything, but I can't..

I have received a lot of support and good advice. I wish I could update one day and say I moved out and went back to college and got a great job and I'm happy and everything is wonderful and thank you. Maybe someday.

Someday is good enough, at least that means hope.
EDIT:
I know this lady who helps people with their problems and she always tells me that no matter what situation a person chooses to be in and not move on; she always asks the person ;
"what are you getting out of being in this situation?"
And the answer maybe " I like feeling this way". Or "I like making others feel this way".
Or it could be any number of answers,but she says there is always something that makes the person feel a certain way to hold onto a situation and not let go, to move forward.

There isn't much positive in living the way I am right now. My one friend is at Penn State, and I can't help but get somewhat jealous when I hear how well she is doing, all the friends she has, and all the parties she attends. I'm the one who has been saying for years how much they hate this town and can't wait to leave. Everyone who knows me knows that and how I long to travel. This isn't what I want. I am restless and bored and feel like I am losing precious time and wasting my life even more than I already have. My mom thinks it's silly to write myself off at 18 the way I do, but I know there is so much I've missed out on already and can never get back. I try not to blame them for not pushing me, but sometimes I really, really wish that they had been stricter and more involved. I think I'd be a very different person if they had pushed me to join clubs and sports and go to school.

I tried to think of a reason I'd want this-a reason why I can't seem to bring myself to take some serious action-and I didn't come up with much. However, living here I don't have to worry about rent or groceries or bills or taxes. I'm taken care of, and it's "safe".

I want to change, really, but maybe I don't want it bad enough yet?

I think things will be better if I can get a job and get out of the house and make some progress toward moving out. It would be amazing if I could get accepted to college where I want to go most.

Before you give your thoughts on organ failure and whether the liver regenerates - my husband died of massive organ failure, liver included.

It's not pretty and it's not nice.

As far as your mother counting your Tylenol - you're an adult in college. If you want Tylenol, you can buy it.

You need to address your problems instead of finding excuses.

Sorry to be harsh but if you have this much time to be on line you have time to join clubs, participate in sports, get a job.

Your casual "the liver regenerates" statement offends me.

I'm sorry, Judy. I don't mean it casually when I say the liver regenerates. I mean it as hope that if I stop taking tylenol, which I haven't in thirteen days, then maybe my liver will be okay and I won't have messed myself up too much. It's hard to imagine that I have really done something to myself when I can't feel it and don't have definitive proof (other than headaches, which could be unrelated, or could be "analgesic rebound effect", but I doubt it). It's also a great excuse not to spend my money on a liver function test as I don't have insurance right now.

I'm not sure how much you read, but I'm not in college anymore. My mom isn't counting my tylenol. I just meant that she bought it for me for college, so wouldn't it be a little odd if I used their tylenol when I have a new bottle with 100 pills in it in my room? Then she knows I didn't lose it because I gave her some when she was sick. I'm not going to risk her knowing I took that much. Stupid maybe, but I do what I can to hide my issues from them and may be a little paranoid and overcautious at this point.

I do have more than enough free time, and it's driving me nuts. That's why my schedule is so messed up. I applied for jobs, and I know one volunteer activity I can do. I can't very well walk to town 6miles though, and I don't have a license (I take the 5hr course this Wednesday), so I have to rely on my parents to get anywhere. They have busy and conflicting schedules, so until I can make myself sleep more regularly and get up when they leave, I'm stuck.

Okay, 197 posts and it's time to get serious.

The liver does NOT regenerate itself. PERiOD!! You will die a very long, tortuous, and painful death.

You need more help than anyone at AMHD can give you. We are not professionals in the mental health field and you need a professional.

Liver Disease: Frequently Asked Questions: Health Topics: University of Iowa Health Care (http://www.uihealthcare.com/topics/medicaldepartments/internalmedicine/liverdisease/index.html)

Doctors Try to Capitalize On the Liver's Ability To Regenerate Itself - The New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/1989/05/16/science/doctors-try-to-capitalize-on-the-liver-s-ability-to-regenerate-itself.html)

J_9, I'm not trying to be smart. I'm just confused. Those articles say that basically if you aren't attacking your liver, it can regenerate cells and repair itself. It's ability to repair itself is damaged by scarring. I don't know if it can after what I have done to it, but it really can't repair itself?

But you ARE attacking your liver. End of story.

I'm not though. Not currently. It's been two weeks since I have had anything stronger than a vitamin. Normally I'd vent and ramble, but I don't think it's worth it anymore.

Edit.. what would even happen to me at this point if a psychiatrist or psychologist or even a doctor knew everything all of you do? I mean I just cut/burned because I got so angry and felt so stupid over my ex roommate. And I know it's bad and wrong, and I even tried venting to my friend, but it's never enough. The only thing that calms me and brings me back to reality is hurting myself.

I wish I had someone in my life who took me as seriously as you all seem to and who would drag me to someone who could help me. I'm convinced that even if my parents ever did find out, I could convince them to leave me alone and that I'm fine now.

Maybe this thread should be locked. I don't want it to be, but then as long as it is here and people respond; I'm going to want to come here with my weak bs and drama.

We actually, would love to help you face your fears and get over them, I am sure every member who has posted on this thread wants you to find the solution to your problems and for you to go on with your life without wanting to self harm in anyway.

But,in the end there is no one who can make you do anything you do not want to do. It always comes down to you, you are the one who has to decide to change or not.

When you decide to change,we have many here who will support your choice and want to help you get through a difficult time, and direct you to professional help when necessary.
The same members will talk to you,listen to you, and be there when you want to rant, as you get through the hurdles that you will face in overcoming your habits.



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I find that continuous posts which appear to be just for the attention, appear to justify certain behaviors ("I only did it because ...") are frustrating and time wasting.

Lots and lots of people have received support on these threads but "we" can't help you when "you" won't help yourself, particularly when you ask for info and then argue with the very people who research and provide that info.

Ever hear of "Starby," one of our very much loved members? She died of liver failure. Use the AMHD search feature to find her name and read the threads. She suffered for a very long time.

I don't like the term, but in a way I come here for attention. Everything I say on here is true and is me, but I come here to say it because I don't have anyone else I feel right saying it too. Even on here I feel ashamed sometimes. I burned last night because emotions just get so over the top sometimes. It's like when I used to cry (and I cried a lot), I'd hyperventilate-I'm silent now-and my parents would get poed and tell me to knock it off. I physically couldn't without holding my breath for gradually longer periods... like when someone is just beyond reason and you need to smack some sense into them. I get this sensation in my wrists and chest where it's almost like my body is begging to be cut/burned/hurt when I get really upset. After I burned a few times, I calmed down, and I accept it. It's my fault I got screwed for being too nice and trusting against my better judgement.

I guess I do argue. I'm defensive, and I feel like I have to convince people I will be fine and here's why. I didn't mean to argue with J_9, if you consider that arguing, I was just trying to get the facts. Either she didn't know I stopped taking tylenol two weeks ago (understandable with a thread this long and tiresome), or she knows something I don't (ie the articles are wrong since she is a nurse, or I stopped too late and my liver is going to keep dying without intervention even though I stopped). Honestly I don't mean to argue. I don't like to be hated, and I am more likely to flee than fight. I like debating, but that is something entirely different.

I did stop cutting for a year and played an online game instead. I didn't fix anything though or have help, so they (my guild) became my vice. Once I became comfortable with them, I let slip too much and became too much drama, in my own words, for them. I felt annoying, especially since I was one of the youngest (I started playing when I was 16), so I actually became annoying when I'd make these late night rambling posts where I was quitting and I was no good and all this crap. Then they'd beg me back and yell at me and put me in my place (I honestly think it was more tough love). When I eventually was accused of being a martyr because of the things I said and how I felt, I admitted about my past with the cutting. After a year of the game, I finally left for their sake and started cutting, and then burning, soon after. I eventually went back to them, but I didn't stop hurting myself again. It just got worse. But I know I am capable of stopping.

I blame my parents a lot and make excuses. Even before I had no insurance as an excuse not to get help I had excuses. The truth is I am so afraid of my family or my town or my school or any employers I ever have knowing I have problems. I want to fix it and bury it and be done with it. I only want one person beside myself who knows all this about me and who I really am. I blame my parents because while I realize I am responsible for me now, I can't help but feel like we are all products of our environments and that our parents play a seriously strong role in shaping who we turn out to be. I don't want to be anything like my parents, and I hate how simple choices they made when I was too young to know the consequences will effect me for the rest of my life. I always feel like there are a lot of things too late to change about me that I had no control over, because kids just need a shove sometimes rather than my parents' approach of not forcing us to do anything. It's stupid, and I need to get over it, but there you have it.

And I still need to accept I do need professional help. Most of the time I do but can't bring myself to seek it, and other times I feel like I just need to escape my past completely so I can be who I want to be.

I know about Starby. J_9 sent me the link earlier in this thread. I never knew her, but I can tell she was loved deeply but many, many people on this site and elsewhere. I hope that someday I can be half as lovable and memorable as she.

I know it is up to me, but I don't trust myself. I was 12 the first time someone suggested I "talk to someone". I was 11 or 12 when I was told I had scholiosis(sp) and am my hips turn in. I was 14 when I was ordered to have further testing to rule out possible kidney problems. I'm 18 now and am still pigeon toed and possibly still have scholiosis(sp), possibly have kidney issues because I refused the tests, and have never talked to a professional. I talked my parents (namely my mom) out of going back to the back doctor or getting simple, further testing for my kidneys because "I would know" if something was wrong with my body and I felt uncomfortable around doctors/nurses. Even when I was in the first or second grade and the nurse gave me a note to give my parents (in cursive, so I couldn't read it) about an eye infection; I hid that problem until a year later when I cracked under the guilt. I'm clearly not my best advocate.

You do know that you can never escape yourself or your memories or totally forget the decisions you have made so far.

Yes you can change,make over and start over and do things right from the moment you decide to do it,but the past is the past.
You cannot undo the past nor the things your parents chose to do or the things you did.

I have always believed that the steps on Narcotics Anonymous/Alcoholics Anonymous should be considered by anyone starting over from any bad habits.

1. We admitted we were powerless over (whatever it is that has become a bad habit)- that our lives had become unmanageable.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I have skipped over the steps regarding God as I don't know what is your beliefs.

I respectfully unsubscribe from this thread. There is no way I, or anyone else on this site, can help you. As I have stated before, you need professional help and most of us are not professionals.

Your posts are long-winded and very time consuming to read. They always end up in excuse after excuse for your behavior.

Sorry to sound rude, but sometimes you have to hear the cold hard facts to wake up and realize that you need more help than we can give you here.

I've got to agree with J9 - all you want is attention and you have a great need to express yourself in long/rambling posts. You are taking time and energy away from other people. You need a trained mental health professional and I see the advice/info you are receiving on this board as making your situation worse.

Likewise, I am out of here.

I find the troll logo very hurtful. Couldn't you have just closed the thread? I'm sorry I wasted everyone's time, but I was told once I could come here to talk and vent. If I could delete my membership, I would.

And I know threads can be deleted. I've seen them disappear-like the Just Looking thread. This thread won't help anyone, so can someone please delete this thread and all my others and then delete me if it's possible? Or at least ban me, if you can't delete me? Please..

Please delete this. If I'm such a troll, it shouldn't be an issue. I want to leave and have it be like I was never here. I want to be gone as much as I am wanted gone. No one would read any of this anyhow, so it doesn't help to keep it here. Why torture me? I said it should probably be closed, I said you cna't help me, I've said that I'd be tempted to respond as long as people kept the thread alive. I want it gone, so I can be gone. Instead I'm labeled troll and the thread is left open. Why hold this over me? WHo does it help? Please erase this so I can let it go. I am begging. I wish I had never been so open. I wish I never signed up and reached out. I want to go back to my silence. What do I have to do forthis to be gone?

Just don't respond, don't sign in and the thread will die.

Threads are never removed this far into questions and answers. They are occasionally closed.

Again - don't read and if anyone else responds you won't know about it.

In the meantime - and your two latest posts prove it - you need some serious help.

And, poof! I'm gone again.