After my late husband died for cancer after 2 years of battle, I was so devastated. He was such a sweet man, he was my best friend & lover, treated me like a queen, and I felt so lost and cried everyday. However, I had 2 high school kids to take care of, and I had to be strong. I regained myself, and focused on my kids. Fortunately, I always had a professional job to support my kids, my kids and I stayed very closely, loved and helped each other, and kept having a good life.

4 years later, my 2 kids went to college. I felt lonely, and I thought it was time to start a new life. I met a man, fell in love, and we got married over year ago. My new hubby had been divorced for 6 years, lived with his 14 years old son with half custody. I saw the son behaved badly while we were dating, but I did not think it could be a big issue. I (& my kids) welcomed them, happily started a new family.

On our wedding day though, the 14 yrs old boy acted out, yelled, cursed, and screamed at guests in the ceremony because 'the elevator was too crowded with people, and he could not fit in (?? )', he throw stuff in the place, and acted like a mentally ill monster. I felt so humiliated. Although, all the quests comforted me, and my new hubby apologized for his son's behavior, but he did not actually put any effort to correct him even later. My hubby told me first time that his son has some issue, and need to take medication. I thought it would be OK.

In the same week of wedding, my hubby lost job, and has been unemployed since. It has been over one and half year now. I understand the economy & marriage commitment, and it is fine for me. I know we love each other, he is trying hard to get a job even though the result has not been fruitful. Luckily, I bring enough paycheck to cover living expense for all of us include mortgage, property tax, kids tuition, etc, if I stay in budget. However the arrangement is basically, I have been the one pay everything for 100%, my hubby & his son moved in my house, and live for absolutely for free, but make everyday crisis. By the way, the boy stays in my house half, and his mother's house half of time. In this summer though, he stays for entire 3 month since my hubby insisted and paid extra child support to his ex to make it happen. I was not included in the decision making process, but I did not have any object, since I know he loves son. However, the summer is getting worse, and I am facing family issue.

The first issue is the step son's attitude. The boy has ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), and needs medication to calm down. Even under medication, the boy outburst without any warning sign, angry, yelling, talking back to anyone include strangers, does not respect anyone, messy, moody, sarcastic, and constantly needs 'something' to catch his attention every minute. I found he is OK while he is playing computer games, eating, or online shopping. Otherwise he acts like a jerk or ugly monster. For an example, when the boy is in my place, he takes the family room for himself, play games with the big screen TV morning to night, and NOBODY cannot even attempt to touch the TV even he is not in the room. If anybody tries it, he yells, screams, curse, and throw his stuff and leave & slams door. When we saw it, we got shocked, and completely gave in. Now everybody watches small screen TV in my bedroom. My kids gave in watching TV in my house. The real issue is my hubby. He does not seem to bothered by it or care, and does not try to control it. My hubby actually asked me to watch TV in the bedroom to give entire family room to his son at the first place when I bought the big screen TV for my bonus. The boy treats his father as absolutely 'FOOL & STUPID' specially in public. "look at your fat, your belly. Do not say you are my father." He openly says it in public, and my hubby does not response. Is it normal? I do not think even it is ADD related. I am so depressed because I have to be in this ridiculous & hostile situation and have to see it in MY HOUSE daily base. The boy yells at me, orders me, complains about me, requests me anything from his crazy head, and he talks anything in his mind. "I wish you die and never come back home, because I like to take your room" (to my kids), "You need to buy a new refrigerator something nicer, I do not like it, and do you like the s**t?" (to me), "Go out and get a burger for me since I am playing game. You need to feed me anyway. Don't you?" (to his father). The boy only eats fast food delivered from fast food store (does anyone make sense of it?? ), yells at us because he cannot stand the food smell(?) when we cook in house because he is vegetarian (? ) and he is eating burgers (?? ). Before sit down to eat diner, my hubby has to go out to get fast food for him. He destroys my house, throw food & soda everywhere, stained carpet & sofa, and they are not cleanable anymore. He spayed paint on the dining table (?? ), and I cannot use the table set anymore. My hubby brought me a can of paint, and asked me to paint it, and it would be fine. He did not even blamed his son. I do not understand the boy's attitude at all, and am very angry at my hubby who does not try to control it or as clams he cannot control it. My hubby basically does everything to make his son happy like an idiot for any cost. Whenever his son got crazy, I loose romantic feeling for my hubby more and more. I feel trapped, regretful, and resentful everyday. When I dream, I cry in my dream lately.

The second issue is spending. As I told, my hubby has been unemployed for 1 and half year. But he had cash in bank when he sold his house and moved in my place, but he maintains it by himself. Guess what. His son needs to upgrade his expensive toys constantly, no matter what happens, and the father-son stays home all day, spends money as a team and have fun. For the last 10 weeks, my hubby upgraded boy's toy including wii, guitar heroes, new apple phone, newest apple mp3, 3 skateboards, and guitars which cost nearly 8K-9K easily. The boy is constantly browsing web site to find something to buy at this moment.

Can anyone please tell me why 15 yrs boy needs upgrade apple phones constantly, and my hubby has to pay for it with the house-sold money, and send me the monthly phone bill? Why am I getting bills constantly I was not award of, which was made by my hubby, and I am ending up paying everything to protect my credit score eventually?

In this situation, my kids are victim as well. I raised my kids in old fashioned way, they study hard, polite & sympathetic, stay in budget, and never talked me back in life time. When I shop with my kids, I have to convince them, otherwise they will not pick up anything extra voluntarily. They have seen me taking care of the cancer patience, 2 kids (them) for years as single mother, and they learned it by experience. It is sad to say it actually, but they must be outgrown for their age.. heartbroken... I feel so sorry for my kids I caused this trouble. If I did not marry, we would be still happy...

While I work hard morning to night, commute 4 hours everyday to pay all the bills, and while my kids work part-time, stick with a couple of basic jeans, this father-son live for free for my cost, destroy my once-upon- a-time beautiful house as trash can, and keep upgrading toys at home. My credit card bill is going up every month. I refuse to see its, but finally I reached the point that this is what it is now. Ironically, 3 working people (me. my kids) are trying to stay in budget, and 2 non working people (my hubby and his son) have no idea what the budget is.

Yesterday, when I came back from work, my heart was totally broken. I saw a new boat in front of house. Real Boat! I knew he was talking about boat, and I thought it was kidding. The crazy hubby bought it to please his son against my will! Real boat! 25K! The boy wanted to have a boat and captain license this summer. At 15! In his mental status! I was outrageous, could not believe what I seen, and came in to the house. Yes, all the house was messy with empty soda bottles, pizza boxes, dirty socks, games all over the house just like a tornado came through. I clean the house in silence, and took a sleeping pill to force me to sleep. I was crying and sleeping all night. The father-son giggled all night to talk about the boat, and get captain's license!!

A couple days ago, I sincerely asked my hubby to help me to pay credit card bill. I did a kitchen remodeling project 2 weeks ago, and had a huge bill to pay. He only said "You will be all right. Calm down. Do you want to take a sleeping pill?" That was it. But yesterday, he bought this UNNECESSARY & EXPENSIVE boat to please his son even though he had no job for a full year... He made $0 since we married. He saw I applied for a second job to pay the credit card bill, and even encouraged me to get the second job. However, he needs father-and-son quality time, fun in summer and the boat. Is the expensive boat only way to have quality time and fun? In fact, I do not know how many people actually 'need' to buy the boat while he lives on wife for free without job. For entire summer, the father-son go to eat and have fun include shooting range, golf, fishing, racing, shopping, whatever you can name it everyday, and it has been his full time job. Whenever I worry about money, he says I worry too much, that is the problem, and everything should be fine. I asked to share living expense even a little, because I pay his health insurance, and my pay check is smaller while our living expense is much bigger than before we got married, but he does not respond. He is keep saying "you are lucky to have a job to cover expense in this economy. In future, if you loose job, I will take care of you for return." I wonder if it will ever happen.

He recently changed his attitude toward looking for a job, and says "it is useless to looking for a job now, since economy is too bad, and there is any. Besides, I might be too old to find a job. I will have small pension and social security when age 65 though." I know this is it. He will be on me forever... For my entire life, I have worked really hard and financially responsible. In this marriage, I will be the one to work on multiple jobs to maintain the life, and constantly worry about bills and watch the crazy son. I did not marry for money, but it is not fair at all. I started to think the real reason he was divorced from his ex was he did not have a job for years (I saw his tax record) even though he says his ex left him for no reason.

He is asking me a big gift for his birthday. I said I love to but I have no budget for that, he made a bad face. For the past year, I managed a couple of expensive family vacation for all of us. I paid for it 100% of course. Guess What. It ended up we were humiliated ourselves in public, because the boy yelled & screamed and sabotaged over food to get more expensive excursion in the restaurant. Basically, the boy needs to get the most expensive stuff in any given setting. Otherwise, he screams and yells until he gets it. When it happened during the vacation, my college student son told me
"I will not say anything to irritate you. I only want you to be happy. Are you happy?" he looked at me with sad face and walked away from me. Since then, my son made excuse (due to his part time job so on), and never joined any major family activity. My kids will not ever take family vacation with me if the boy is included. When my kids are in my house, they lock themselves in their room, and minimize the contact to avoid the issues. My kids and I had a very close and happy family life before, and it is totally destroyed! It is heartbroken.

The step son has been in my house for 10 weeks now, and it will last another 6 weeks. I am getting more bitter taste, and regrets my marriage day goes by. Be honest, I do not even want to go home but run away. I am taking sleeping pill to fall in sleep every night. Otherwise, I will up and cry, and I do not want to show up at my work with red eyes.

Sometimes, I open my email account and read my ex husbands sweet emails we exchanged while he was alive, and cry. I can tell he genuinely loved me, and treated me like queen, and never used me for any reasons until he died. "I will always love you, and protect you in heaven." That was his last word in his dead bed while he was holding my hands. On our anniversary, he always took me out to a beautiful place and surprised me with flowers & sweet card. My new hubby took me out with his crazy son, and gave me a disastrous dinner on our first anniversary, and I paid the bill of course.

My hubby made agreement with his son that the son will go to the near by college to commute from my house, and live together in my house for full time. I was not included in the discussion, and it was final statement.
I cannot stand the arrangement. I desperately need everybody's help and opinion before I loose my mind. I feel like I rather commit suicide to end this, and that will be the easiest way... I cannot believe I voluntarily made such a terrible mistake to choose the unemployed man with a crazy son and ruin myself and future... I am so embarrassed to talk about this to anyone in my family. I refuse to talk to close firneds and family to hide my feeling. I do not have pre-nub and my current hubby manages my life saving investment account which my late husband passed me as gift. The first thing my new hubby did after wedding was he included his name in my house title. Am I used as I think? Please give me your advice. I am losing my mind... I do not have feeling for my hubby any more, resentful, but pretent I am OK when I am with him...

You are being taken advantage of by both your husband and his son.
ADHD is not an excuse to behave anyway he pleases and get whatever he wants.
His father is doing him a huge injustice by allowing this type of behavior.
It will only escalate and it needs to be stopped.In the real world you do not get to dictate and bully your way into getting whatever you want.
He has no sense of responsibility and respect.He needs to be seeing a behavioral therapist and Dad would have been wiser to spend his money on that then buying a boat.

If his behavior is allowed to continue he will be a kid in trouble with the law and he will be running amok.

He most likely has few friends and if he does they are probably using him for his gadgets and games,etc.

Dad and son need to get into counseling for this boys problems.He needs to learn how to be an effective parent and not just a lazy parent who takes the easy way out by coddling to his child's every whim.

Regarding the problems with your husband,I think you need to get a little tougher backbone and lay down some rules.You need to stop being everyone's doormat!

I am sorry for the loss of your husband and what sounds to have been a lovely and meaningful marriage.

I really, really feel for you and fear that you have been taken for a HUGE ride by this man and his son. Yes, you are being used.

They are living off you, using your house and making serious decisions that affect you without consulting you. You have been weak, naïve and trusting and have stupidly handed over responsibility for your house and the finances to this man.

He has clearly shown you that his son is his priority, not his relationship with you.

Essentially you are in an abusive situation - in the end it will be up to you whether you decide to cut your ties with this man and his appalling son - but the situation seems untenable and there are very few options open to you. I doubt that you could convince them to go to family counseling, as they don't seem to care about you or to want to change their own behavior.

You must speak privately with a solicitor and a counselor. I'm sorry, but you need to go into damage control and find out what your options are in terms of salvaging what little you have left. I suspect that the only way you will be able to do this is to divorce this man. No doubt he will claw back some of your hard earned money for himself, and that is why you need some good, hard professional advice.

I feel sick at heart reading your post, and can only imagine the hell you are living in right now.

I don't feel it is your place to raise his son, particularly when you are not involved in any decisions to have him full-time through the summer. That your husband hid the truth of his son from you, makes me think that you have some validity in thinking you were indeed set up. I think he hid the truth for a very good reason, and that was, if you knew, you would not have agreed to have him in your home.

Not only that, but it is highly suspicious to me that he loses his job the week you get married, he manages to get his name on your investments and the house, yet he is smart enough to know that without a pre-nup his assets, separated into a bank where you cannot access them, are safe.

I get the impression that the father was looking for a support system, without obligation. He does not contribute, even though he can financially, and has implied that he has no intent to.

He has used you, I just cannot think of this any other way. You support him 100% and he contributes nothing in return. He has a very comfortable life with you, and I hate to say this, but my impression is that he knew exactly what he was getting when he met you, and you suited his purposes.

I think that under the circumstances, and the marriage has only been a year, there could be grounds for divorce based on false pretense? I am no lawyer, and I hope Judy and the others with far more expertise than me will weigh in on that end of it.

In the meanwhile, if it is possible, you need to get them out of the house. They are destroying it, and you are being beaten up emotionally. There is no end in sight. I would think that IF he is entitled to anything (again we need a legal opinion here), it would not be much as far as assets accumulated DURING the short marriage.

He would not as far as I know, be able to take half you have worked so hard for all of your life. You need to control also what money you do have, and take him off your chequing account and do not allow him access to your savings accounts. Cancel the credit cards right away.

The son is out of control. Untreated ADHD, even with medication, at his age particularly, is an accident waiting to happen. It is unconscionable to me that not only was his illness hidden from you, but that the young man is not getting the treatment he needs, and the father is totally unable to parent him as he is obligated to do.

I would consider printing out the post you have made here, which was very well written by the way, and get yourself into a lawyer, and start with that. I am sure that red flags will go up everywhere. You need support, professional guidance, and most likely legal intervention of some time to sort this out and regain your footing.

Please don't let yourself dive any further into depression. People who use other people are quite happy to see you weaker, because it means more power and control for them.

Find out what your options are. Visit a women's shelter for advice (not saying you will need to go to one), and they too can offer a wealth of information on how to protect yourself and your sanity. You will feel so much better talking to people who can understand and help you.

You may also wish to start keeping a diary of the events that are happening. At the end of each day, or whenever you have quiet time to yourself, date and document as much detail as you can. This will be important information down the road.

I am also hoping that you will come here, and vent and comment as much as you need to. We can at least collectively offer you some encouragement, and hopefully help you gain some confidence to take charge of your life.

I so wanted to rep you Jake.(darn rules)
You should consider being a woman's advocate for a living! You told her in a methodical way exactly what she needs to do to get her life back.
Excellent advice as I have come to expect.I always feel better after reading your posts!

ADHD is not an excuse to behave anyway he pleases and get whatever he wants. His father is doing him a huge injustice by allowing this type of behavior. Dad and son need to get into counseling for this boys problems.He needs to learn how to be an effective parent and not just a lazy parent who takes the easy way out by coddling to his child's every whim.

Regarding the problems with your husband,I think you need to get a little tougher backbone and lay down some rules.You need to stop being everyones doormat!

artlady,
You are absolutely right, and that is what I am thinking. Thanks for support!
I tried to stay in low key from the beginning, mainly I had no step mother experience, and just tried not to be the stereotype 'mean step mother' who intervene between father and son. It is my fault I was too weak, and I allowed them to destroy my family & happiness.
Since everyone here saying that it went way too far, and I need to stand up for me and my kids, I am confident that I am not a jealous woman & my issue has to be fixed.
It is a good start for me! I think I know what I have to do now as a responsible woman. I will discuss with people openly and find the best solution. Thanks again!

He has clearly shown you that his son is his priority, not his relationship with you.
Essentially you are in an abusive situation
You must speak privately with a solicitor and a counselor.

Gemini54,
Thanks for your support! Your post means a lot to me. You are right, I have been used. I need to accept the fact. I have trusted the man, and simply thought we could have a good future. It did not work out and the marriage only giving me emotional and financial abuse, and it destroys my daily life, belief and family relationship. I need to protect me as well as my kids. I will seek a professional counselor to get advice this week. Thank you for your help again.

That's good to hear! Stay strong, and when you get the advice you need, you'll have a plan, and hopefully this nightmare will be over for you soon.

Take good care of yourself.



To ArtLady, thank you and the feeling is mutual!

I get the impression that the father was looking for a support system, without obligation. He does not contribute, even though he can financially, and has implied that he has no intent to.

He has used you, I just cannot think of this any other way. You support him 100% and he contributes nothing in return. He has a very comfortable life with you, and I hate to say this, but my impression is that he knew exactly what he was getting when he met you, and you suited his purposes.

Jake2008,
You gave me such a wise advice and encouragement, and it helps me to see 'the ugly reality' clearly without denial. You are right. He saw me as a financially comfortable woman, entered into my life without letting me know his unemployment & mentally sick son, have taken advantage from me, and destroying my life everyday. Even at this moment, he is sitting pretty in my house with cool air-conditioning, playing games with his son for all my cost! (while I had to commute 2 hours to get work in the morning to pay bills)

I HAVE NO OBLIGATION to raise his mentally mal-functioning son! Why didn't I think about it before and yelled at my hubby when I went through the hell? It was not marriage agreement! It lifted all the weight from my shoulder! It is not my obligation to feed the 48 yrs old man with a mentally ill son until age 65 either. I cannot thank enough.

I did not add his name on my major bank account, and it is safe. I only added him on a minor bank account, which I have no significant money, and I will leave it as is.
I just changed password on my online investment account, and he has no access to it anymore. I did not add his name on the account, I am the sole owner, and no damage is done. It is my life time saving & my late husband's life insurance money collected prior to the marriage. I need to protect it from the liar.

Last night, I called his ex (& mother of the boy) to set up a counseling, and found out that the monstrous son caused her 2 divorces (after divorce from my hubby), and her current marriage is on counseling as well. What an evil child! (and the boy got the 25K boat for prize!) I set up a family counseling on August 14th with a professional mediator. I am building up a case from here.

It is an excellent idea to keep the diary, and I am glad I have done it when I had something different in any given day. I have enough writings about the pain I went through with details & follow-ups from the day one. I read some articles on web, it seems the divorcing process will take quite long time.

The most important thing is, I set up a nice dinner date with my 2 kids at our favorite restaurant tonight. We will talk chest to chest and re-build the loving mother-kids relationship like before. I made a bad judgment, and my kids are suffering as much I am, and I need to control the damage. It is the most important thing for me right now. Money can be made and lost, but I cannot destroy the precious relationship with my kids. I will not tell them I have a plan for divorce at this moment, but only focus on regaining trust & respect from each other.

For the boat, I will let him keep it. When I kick them out, they need a place to stay. I will have a consultation with my long time family friend lawyer. It will be so humiliating to talk about the truth of my current marriage, which will be the biggest huddle for me, but I have no choice, and will tell him honestly.

I really appreciate your support and encouragement. I will come here often to gain strength and wisdom. I am planning to regain my family room this weekend, and it will be my step 1. It is insane I cannot enter my family room in my house. I must put up the crap too long. Wish me a good luck, everyone.

artlady,
you are absolutely right, and that is what I am thinking. Thanks for support!!
I tried to stay in low key from the beginning, mainly I had no step mother experience, and just tried not to be the stereotype 'mean step mother' who intervene between father and son. It is my fault I was too weak, and I allowed them to destroy my family & happiness.
Since everyone here saying that it went way too far, and I need to stand up for me and my kids, I am confident that I am not a jealous woman & my issue has to be fixed.
It is a good start for me! I think I know what I have to do now as a responsible woman. I will discuss with people openly and find the best solution. Thanks again!

I don't think anyone could accuse you of being the *mean step mom*.You have gone above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to this troubled young man and I feel for his future as well if someone does not step up and set him straight.BUT that is not your problem right now ,I think you have enough on your plate.Best of luck to you!

artlady,
You just did my sanity check for me. Thanks for the validation, and it means a lot for me. I am going strong from now on. Please wish me a lot of luck. I really need it from now on.

I am so glad to hear that you are taking positive sensible steps to protect yourself in the situation - both financially and emotionally.

I am also incredibly sorry that it it has turned out so badly for you with respect to this man and his son. It is a really hard lesson to have been manipulated by such losers.

In any case, you will still have your pride and self respect at the end of this saga - sadly your husband and his son will have none, and there are only a limited amount of years that they can keep playing their parasitic games.

I wish you lots of luck - be strong - you will be happy again.

You have a parasite infestation that you should take care of. GOD bless you. Get them out and live happily ever after.

parasitic games?
parasite infestation?

Really? I am shocked. I did not think my situation was that bad, but just wondering why I was so depressed and angry. That is what it was...

I am a working hard single mother with 2 college kids to support, and I have no more room to take care of a lazy man & mentally ill boy on the top of that. I thought it was love, respect the family value, and tried hard to make it working, and pushed myself so hard to go through this in the positive way. But now, I realized what I am dealing with.
I am done here. I really have a bad taste. What have I done to let it happen to me?

parasitic games?
parasite infestation?

Really? I am shocked. I did not think my situation was that bad, but just wondering why I was so depressed and angry. That is what it was...

I am a working hard single mother with 2 college kids to support, and I have no more room to take care of a lazy man & mentally ill boy on the top of that. I thought it was love, respect the family value, and tried hard to make it working, and pushed myself so hard to go through this in the positive way. But now, I realized what I am dealing with.
I am done here. I really have a bad taste. What have I done to let it happen to me?

I think because you have a good heart. Don't blame yourself.

He needs to grow up, the kid needs a spanking, and you need to enjoy your children. GOD gave you THEM, not the other two.
The devil gave you them.

parasitic games?
parasite infestation?

Really? I am shocked. I did not think my situation was that bad, but just wondering why I was so depressed and angry. That is what it was...

I am a working hard single mother with 2 college kids to support, and I have no more room to take care of a lazy man & mentally ill boy on the top of that. I thought it was love, respect the family value, and tried hard to make it working, and pushed myself so hard to go through this in the positive way. But now, I realized what I am dealing with.
I am done here. I really have a bad taste. What have I done to let it happen to me?

He conned you.You were probably vulnerable after losing the love of your life and you fell for what looked good at the time.Good con artists are GOOD at what they do.
Now,you are in a place where you can get your life back and that's what you have to concentrate on.

All this crap is past and you are moving on.I'm 55 and I know that there are 55 yr.old men out there that would love to meet a nice lady :)

I know I like you and I bet you are a lot of fun.I don't doubt that the right man will come along. If you haven't given up on the entire sex yet,there are some nice ones.

I know that is the last thing you are thinking of now but maybe somewhere down the road.

I didn't meet my love until I was 43 and 12 yr.later we are still all good.When I said I was cool with living without a man,POW there he was. :)

I know you will do fine, just your kindness alone makes you a great catch !

I agree with the others
You should not be responsible for discipling the son and for that matter you are not responsible for providing for him.
If his dad won't buy it for him with his own money why should you be responsible to?? Better yet WHY should you be made to feel quilty if you don't.
By doing so you are only enabling them to use you

Just handing stuff and over looking things tbecause he is ADHD is equivalent to always stuffing a candy bar in a toddlers mouth to make them quit crying. ADHD kids need MORE discipline not less. Giving them what they want is like putting a bandaid on a broken elbow.

CAR ACCIDENT:
Since I posted my issue here, I had a lot of thoughts in my mind, and became very distant from my husband. He felt something serious is coming, agreed to have the family counseling, apologized, showed me evidences how he is trying to get a job, registered for a job training course, tried to talk to me, and cooked & delivered meal to bedroom for me. He is trying to take me out for a day trip this Saturday just for two of us. He is sending his son in 2 weeks, which is 4 weeks earlier than he originally planned.

However, here is what happened last night. While I was sleeping, I heard very lousy noise and woke up. It was 1:30 in the morning, the boy was in our bedroom and arguing & yelling to get something online with his father who was sleeping next to me. I was so angry, and disgusted, yelled at them to leave my bedroom if they need to talk. They went to downstairs. I even did not bother to ask what he was trying to get or what was the result of the conversation. I do not care at this point. I tried to fall in sleep again, but so angry, tossed around not being able to get sleep all night. I just cannot believe the boy jumped in our bedroom at 1:30 and arguing, and I cannot even sleep in my own bed without disruption! It is too much! I need to get up early to go to work! What a moron.

I woke up in the morning, exhausted, frustrated, and saw dark circles around my eyes. I forced myself get ready to work, and left home. My husband woke up, and apologized for the disturb. As I told you, I have to drive 2 hours to get to work through heavy traffic. Guess what. I had a car accident mainly I was not able to focus due to the lack of sleep. It was not my fault, but if I was 100% functioning I could defend myself, and could avoid the accident. I pulled over my car which was hit by another car, stood on the street and thought. "What a good start for a nice Friday my crazy step son gave to me!" I was not even angry. I just laughed and laughed while I was waiting for cop. I called my husband and said I like to thank because you and your son made me a car accident. He apologized again. Now I know my life is SO screwed up!

I have been there getting woke up with insanity then something bad happened as a result. I wasn't mad either. Its more like a numb ''well there you have it'' feeling than anything else.

This boy is too disruptive and being bowed down to because of his ADHD. It should not be treated as a crutch. He can disrupt you but you have to walk on eggshells to please everything surrounding him. Its not right.
My son had ADHD. I had to restrain him more often than not. I wasn't playing the game.
I know your situation he doesn't need restrained but he needs to grow up and taught better behaviors.
The sad thing is that even with the car accident they still won't really get it.


You need to lay down some ground rules for dad and son and stick to them.

1. NO computer after you go to bed
2. NO waking you up
3. You are not responsible for spending any money other than your bills.
4...
5...

N0help4u,
How do you deal with ADHD? What are the issues and what are the best solutions in your son's case? Please give me details as much as possible for me. I am miserable. Thanks for your wisdom & support.

What's hard in your situation is he is not your son but it is your house so you have to say my house my rules and make that list.

It would really depend on how much your husband is going to back you up on what else you can do.
Evaluations/Counselling
Meds or change in meds
Not take him out in public
Changing his diet if necessary
Are all things you can try

If he is on meds he may need them changed or up the dose.

You need to find ways to change his behavior habits.

The sad thing is that even with the car accident they still won't really get it.

How is it possible as a HOMAN BEING? Don't they have basic etiquettes or sorry feeling at all? Am I dealing with a monster and talking to a wall? I am losing my mind.

This crazy boy is not my son. Why should I be a victim for a life time? Please be honest for me. If you are in my situation, will you keep this marriage?

Evaluations/Counselling
meds or change in meds
Not take him out in public
changing his diet if necessary

I think it really helps.
For diet, I can tell right now it has to be changed. The boy should not drink caffeine included soda which will make him hyper, but my husband allows him to drink any and provides it. The boy probably drinks 4-5 cans of coke a day. How stupid is that.

I am sure they feel sorry to a degree but the full impact of their actions relating to your wrecking probably won't really sink in.

You need to discuss it with your husband and see how much he is willing to back you up on this. Then you need to make and set the rules
If his son continues the behavior you may just have to say MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY.

You said he is leaving in two weeks?
Give it the two weeks to start and implement the rules. Then when he comes back if he breaks and shows no effort in straightening up then maybe you will have to consider telling your husband you are through at that point.

I think it really helps.
For diet, I can tell right now it has to be changed. The boy should not drink caffeine included soda which will make him hyper, but my husband allows him to drink any and provides it. The boy probably drinks 4-5 cans of coke a day. How stupid is that.

Okay I was waiting for your reply on his diet

He needs to cut out things like soda, pizza (occasionally is okay), fast food, junk foods, processed foods and go with more old fashioned home cooked meals. The longer and more unfamilar ingredients are the worse it is for a kid with ADHD.

You can read these two books but this is one thing your husband is really going to have to back you up on.

Amazon.com: The Crazy Makers: How the Food Industry Is Destroying Our Brains and Harming Our Children (9781585421046): Carol N. Simontacchi: Books (http://www.amazon.com/Crazy-Makers-Industry-Destroying-Children/dp/1585421049)

Amazon.com: Brain Allergies: The Psychonutrient and Magnetic Connections (9780658003981): Willam Philpott, Dwight Kalita, William H. Philpott MD, Dwight K. Kalita PhD, Linus Pauling PhD: Books (http://www.amazon.com/Brain-Allergies-Psychonutrient-Magnetic-Connections/dp/0658003984/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1249653600&sr=1-1)

OH also when you make a list of house rules tape one on the refrigerator, one on the computer desk and one on his bedroom door.
Laminate it or put it in a frame if you have to.

OH also when you make a list of house rules tape one on the refrigerator, one on the computer desk and one on his bedroom door.
Laminate it or put it in a frame if you have to.

Can't rep you but it is so clear that the father is doing this kid more harm that good.I would add to the rules that Dad needs to take some parenting classes and learn how to effectively deal with his son.This is a kid who is going to end up in trouble if someone doesn't reign him in!

Having read everything so far in this thread I have come to the same conclusion when I just read your original post.

You need to consult immediately with a good divorce attorney and get those two mental cases out of your home (and life) at once!

They saw you (yes, both of them) as an easy mark and the more that you let them get away with, the more and more they took advantage of you.

There is no saving this marriage. There was really no marriage. It was just a way for daddy to live rent free, work free and have his little monster child live with him and enjoy life on your dime. Sorry to be so blunt, but I see that some other members are trying to give you great advice like "counseling" "rules of the house" etc. Well, they will not work period. Sorry. I know what manipulative people can do to a good hearted soul like you obviously are. What do they do you ask? They run over the goodhearted person like a locomotive with 200 heavily loaded freight cars dragging behind it.

Those two will never, never change. The baloney of him trying to get a job I don't buy for one minute. He will never get a job. Why should he? He's got it made in the shade. He can spend all the money he wants on his rotten kid or better yet, send you the bill for it.

I don't know what you do for a living, but as a professional woman you must have some common sense and definitely some smarts. Commuting 2 hours one way to work while those two ingrates sit at home is astonishing to me for you to put up with.

Honey, if you don't stop this insane merry go round ride NOW before he gets more entrenched and gets you more into debt, you will never untangle yourself from him and definitely that rotten 15 year old hellion, your life will be much worse than it already is now. (Yes, it will get worse as they will lie to you repeatedly like an alki would swearing they are giving up booze).

I am 62 years old. I've had a lot of life experience that most people have not acquired in their lives. But I can tell you one thing that I can do, I can spot users a mile away. The husband is a user. The kid is a user. You don't need either one of them. You need to wake up and face the fact that you made a horrible mistake marrying him. Why did you marry him instead of living together for at least 6 months? Yes, I realize you were lonely, etc. but MOST women do not have a wonderful husband as you described adore them, they have monsters who abuse them. You were extremely lucky having a wonderful loving husband who happened to die too soon. I am sure if he could say something to you it would be to "unload those two moochers immediately if not sooner".

Having married him is going to make it a bit tricky to get rid of them, but if you consult with a good divorce attorney and follow their advice you should be able to get them out of your life much sooner now than say, 4 years from now.

Having the daily stress of those two at home spending money is horrendous. Having a car accident due to the nightly shennigans is telling me that those two are trying to team up to possibly eliminate you. I don't put it past either of them (especially the kid).

Please make an appointment with an attorney as soon as possible for your own personal safety and emotional well being.

This crazy boy is not my son. Why should I be a victim for a life time? Please be honest for me. If you are in my situation, will you keep this marriage?

They both are monsters and you don't need to keep being tormented by them.

Please, please make sure that your 2 children understand the horrid situation you are now living through at home in case something horrible happens to you. Keep in touch with them daily, if not several times a day if possible.

I think those two are "double teaming" you at this point. I don't think your accident was just an innocent accident. Driving in heavy traffic for 2 hours is worse than nerve wracking - it takes all a person's focus to be accident free and those two want to make sure you are not able to properly focus while driving.

Ahhhh so he married her for a permanent built in babysitter?

I figured when the two weeks was up and son went back to mom they could work on their relationship and work on son when he was shipped back to her.

I must say, I must (re?) read the original post.

They both are monsters and you don't need to keep being tormented by them. Please, please make sure that your 2 children understand the horrid situation you are now living through at home in case something horrible happens to you. I think those two are "double teaming" you at this point.

twinkiedooter,
Thanks for your concern, and your sincere advice. I clearly understand what you are trying to say to protect me. I have been lucky enough to live with 'good people' until now, and I treated this man in the same way. I must to be too naïve than average people.

Saturday, my husband took me out, brought me flowers, expensive lingerie gifts & sorry cards (from him and his son for the accident) and dinners, and tried to talk it over. I told him it is too late, and I do not see any reasons to keep this marriage. I asked him to take his son and leave ASAP. He told me 'I' broke his heart, and begged me another chance with tears. He told me he would do anything to fix it, and it was huge mistake to have the boy in my house for entire summer. Here is a big twist. He told me he married for love, he does not want my money in any case, showed me a very big saving account & pension he never talked about, and told me it is for our future, and he is in a good situation to take care of both of us after retirement. (these secret accounts made me more angry.) He swear he would keep the boy in dorm while he is in college not in my house. (He is saying it was the boy's imaginaiton, and he never told him to do it) He admitted he went too far, he took advantage from my good nature, I have been the best wife in the marriage while his son is very difficult child, his patenting was poor, he would follow all the rules I will give from now on, and he will give me all authority to control his son. I heard he was up & crying all night long.

Saturday night, I talked to the boy alone, he had to leave due to the marriage problem. Surprisingly the boy comprehended very well, and made an intelligent conversation with me, apologized for the interruption he made at that night, and packed his stuff by himself. The boy even vacuumed the family room for me.

They both left Sunday morning. I have had a peaceful day since. During summer break, I have my kids in my house, and they are taking care of me very well. I have a formal family counseling on August 14th, a meeting with divorce lawyer on August 21st.

Thanks for support, everyone. I am very calm, sad, exhusted, and heartbroken.

I figured when the two weeks was up and son went back to mom they could work on their relationship and work on son when he was shipped back to her.

N0help4u,
Here is the right information. My husband has half custody until the boy is 18. The right arrangement would be he has the boy for half summer, but he kept the boy in my house for whole summer this year. It caused all the drama.

Saturday, my husband told me that he would go to court to change the custody to have the boy 'for only every other weekend and half summer' to save our marriage. He also told me that he would not have the boy in my house while he was in college, but keep him in dorm. Thanks.

I'm glad to hear things are going well. I wish you all the best. I think you touched a lot of hearts here, I know you sure touched mine. GOD bless you.

Had you not taken a stand, I doubt that your husband would have made any changes, or promises to make changes.

This isn't about the son, although the father is making it out to be that way.

It's about the deception, him freeloading, not being honest about his own finances and contributing, also about his son of course, as he didn't fully tell you the truth.

People who control other people, as he did you with his actions, are oh so remorseful when they are caught. He would have likely been quite happy to keep things as they were if you had not made decisions, and it would only have become a worse situation for you.

People like your husband are also very sly and convincing when they want you to believe they have 'seen the light' and they want to change. They seem oh so sincere and apologetic, and have you wondering if he was really that bad in the first place.

Him changing the custody agreement with his son and his ex-wife, has nothing whatsoever to do with you. He is sadly using the son as an excuse to make things better for himself (with you), and that is really sad. He is counting on getting back together with you, or, he would have a place of his own and keep the custody arrangement he already has. It's what he wanted after all right?

Please stay strong. Don't be swayed by false promises, changed attitudes, and any hope that he has really changed, because he hasn't.

Just like when he met you, he'll try his best to get what he wants, and he did. Now he will try even harder not only to get back what he had, but to gain even more.

I am really, really proud of you for taking a stand, and being strong. Awesome news that you have a family counselling appointment (not with him I presume!), and a lawyer's appointment as well.

Please let us know how you made out.

I have mixed feelings about going as far as divorce. Getting the son out of there YES.
But it seems he did truly make a mistake and now it is too late. I am sure you were to the enough is enough point and probably is best that you get him (them) both out of your mind and out of your sight. You know exactly what you went through.

Best of luck and I am sure there are better things ahead.

I am in agreement with Jake. I think that you still need to be extremely careful around this man.

I'm sorry because I know that he's your husband and you still love him, but I feel that he's only making these changes with his son because he doesn't want to lose the many benefits that he has with you.

I suspect that he's a manipulator as there are a range of things in this story that do not make sense. Why for example, would he be using your money and living off you when he has had a hidden savings account of his own?

I have alarm bells ringing very strongly and urge you to be cautious. You have been strong so far, listen to your legal counsel and take everything your husband says with a large grain of salt.

Fortunately she has decided not to take any more chances and her returning to peace of mind is well deserved after what the two of them put her through.

Hello everyone,
I hope everybody is doing well. I just read my original post, which I wrote with uncontrollable tears and heartbroken feelings. I cannot thank all of you enough who were so supportive and kind to me.

Here is my update since my last post. Long in short, I have gone through separation, counseling, legal negotiation, and I will be in court very soon to finalize the divorce process.

Here is update. Since they moved out, they have lived in an apartment. I heard that the boy made a lot of trouble in his school. He was caught by drug dealing at school, disciplined, but he tried it again, and his school principal finally called cops. He was handcuffed and taken to jail, and finally school kicked him out. The school did not want to deal with him anymore, and now the boy is going to the special school for special kids who needs extra help. It is just a shock for me, and I cannot believe what happened. He is living in a middle class suburban area, and raised by well educated parents. I have no clue where he got the drugs and why he tried to sell them to his classmates not once but twice. Hi father's excuse is that the boy did it for only fun and tried to make fund to buy more game toys. But did he have to do it twice after the first strong warning? It is beyond my imagination. It seems they are totally different people from people like us.

Another hand, his father, soon to be my ex, never got a job or worked since forever, only watching TV all day long at home and eating up his savings.

I cleaned up my house, redecorated with new furniture, and made my home cozy and sweet again. My kids are very happy to see me alive & happy. I am hanging out with kids often, have fun, and become close again like best friends for each other. I am so proud my kids are all A grade good students, and working hard & sincere kids. We do not have the crazy & useless stress anymore since they left, and everything is normal and peaceful again.

Since I always work hard, I got promotion at work. Recently, I even started to date a decent gentleman who has a solid job (haha) again. I set the rule we would not be physical until divorce is finalized. He respects that and plans to take me a cruise trip to Europe just after my divorce is finalized. I still believe in love and romance, and am looking for my soul mate. Well, but I learned a hard lesson. I will not get married for a while, just enjoy my kids and my single life. I start to think I am still in a good shape in my life. My kids will be done with college in a year, it means I have only one more year to support them, and they will be by themselves without my support. Meantime, I am 49 years old, still young, healthy and sweet woman. I plan to have only good life from now on in future from my hard learned lessons.

Thank you everyone. I drop a line on and off. You guys helped me tremendously, and I cannot forget it. God bless you. You guys are true angels.

Hello everyone,
I hope everybody is doing well. I just read my original post, which I wrote with uncontrollable tears and heartbroken feelings. I cannot thank all of you enough who were so supportive and kind to me.

Here is my update since my last post. Long in short, I have gone through separation, counseling, legal negotiation, and I will be in court very soon to finalize the divorce process.

Here is update. Since they moved out, they have lived in an apartment. I heard that the boy made a lot of trouble in his school. He was caught by drug dealing at school, disciplined, but he tried it again, and his school principal finally called cops. He was handcuffed and taken to jail, and finally school kicked him out. The school did not want to deal with him anymore, and now the boy is going to the special school for special kids who needs extra help. It is just a shock for me, and I cannot belive what happened. He is living in a middle class suburban area, and raised by well educated parents. I have no clue where he got the drugs and why he tried to sell them to his classmates not once but twice. Hi father’s excuse is that the boy did it for only fun and tried to make fund to buy more game toys. But did he have to do it twice after the first strong warning? It is beyond my imagination. It seems they are totally different people from people like us.

Another hand, his father, soon to be my ex, never got a job or worked since forever, only watching TV all day long at home and eating up his savings.

I cleaned up my house, redecorated with new furniture, and made my home cozy and sweet again. My kids are very happy to see me alive & happy. I am hanging out with kids often, have fun, and become close again like best friends for each other. I am so proud my kids are all A grade good students, and working hard & sincere kids. We do not have the crazy & useless stress anymore since they left, and everything is normal and peaceful again.

Since I always work hard, I got promotion at work. Recently, I even started to date a decent gentleman who has a solid job (haha) again. I set the rule we would not be physical until divorce is finalized. He respects that and plans to take me a cruise trip to Europe just after my divorce is finalized. I still believe in love and romance, and am looking for my soul mate. Well, but I learned a hard lesson. I will not get married for a while, just enjoy my kids and my single life. I start to think I am still in a good shape in my life. My kids will be done with college in a year, it means i have only one more year to support them, and they will be by themselves without my support. Meantime, I am 49 years old, still young, healthy and sweet woman. I plan to have only good life from now on in future from my hard learned lessons.

Thank you everyone. I drop a line on and off. You guys helped me tremendously, and I cannot forget it. God bless you. You guys are true angels.

I am so pleased to hear that things are going well and that the greedy 'monsters' are out of your life. I hope that you will not carry the grief and sadness of this bad experiences for too long!

Enjoy your life and take things with men slowly - enjoy each day as it comes. Each day is a gift. Don't waste it searching for a soul mate who may or may not exist.

You have learned a very hard lesson - I wish you only happiness and peace from now on.

Gemini54,
Thanks for support and kind word. I am trying to be positive as much as possible. I did not waste my life too long.

The more I think, the more I am convinced my first husband was my true love and the best thing happened to me in my life. I met him at age 23, and we only dated for 6 month before he proposed me. He was the most kind, caring, loving husband until de died.
I do not think I can fid the man like him in my life. It is just lost. It sounds weird, but after I made a bad mistake about the second marriage, I miss him more and more. I am really sorry.

Divorce wise, my lawyer says this divorce will cost me financially. Since I have a good job while he does not, I may have to pay ALIMONY to him. I cannot believe what I have done. My lawyer says he will find the best way for me since I have married only for short period. I know he will not even looking for a job, permanently unemployed, and it will be impossible for him to remarry with his monstrous son. I am trapped by him for life time, and pay the cost of my poor judgment forever. I am really sorry, depressed, and sleepless.

People on this board,
Please be careful when you get married.
Please do not make mistake just I did.
I wish your best luck!

Oh, by the way, my lawyer was told by my soon-to-be ex’s lawyer that he does not have any pension, or significant saving. He only has less than 10K in total in his saving account, and yes, jobless. Meantime, I have a job, a good house in suburb, and saving account. It will really cost me big time for lifetime…
My lawyer found out that my soon-to-be ex sued another wealthy woman, and earned significant amount of money from her before he met me. My lawyer assumed he had affair with this woman. I start to think my soon-to-be ex is indeed professional con to use women for living. He has good looks, charming manner, and knows how to talk sweet.
I feel so ashamed and heart-wrenching...

My question is:
1. if he was so money-less, jobless, why didn't he try hard to keep me as meal ticket? He ruined it to be with his mentally ill son.
2. if he was o moneyless, why did he buy $25,000 boat which is useless? We even did not live close to water, and had to drive 30 miles to get to the closest lake.
3. then, what was the saving account copy he showed when he tried to convince me to keep them last time? Were they fake & he made them up?

It dos not make any sense to me. Any advice?

My question is:
1. if he was so money-less, jobless, why didn’t he try hard to keep me as meal ticket? He ruined it to be with his mentally ill son.
2. if he was o moneyless, why did he buy $25,000 boat which is useless? We even did not live close to water, and had to drive 30 miles to get to the closest lake.
3. then, what was the saving account copy he showed when he tried to convince me to keep them last time? Were they fake & he made them up?

It dos not make any sense to me. Any advice?

I just read the thread from the beginning. I think you need to talk to your lawyer about finding out more about this con-man. Have a private investigator go over his life with a magnifying glass. I am not so certain that his son is as bad as he seems. I think Daddy has taught him well how to use women and circumstances. I would also bet that dad knew about his son's 'business'.

I wouldn't be surprised if he is working on another mark right this very minute.

Did he buy the boat? How was the boat 'paid' for (as well as, the other things he bought his son and child support)? For that matter where is the boat now?

I am so glad you are out of that relationship and almost done with him. I hope you have a lot more good times and memories ahead of you.

Cat,
Thank you for your advice and support. I am so worried and talking to my lawyer to look into it... I just hope all the truth is found out, and everything is sort out in justice as it is supposed to be. Thank you.

Sleepless & heartbroken

Myagony,


Feel sorry for you. Life is not perfect and we all make mistakes, the important thing is that we learn from our mistakes and not let them happen again. What doesn't kill us will make us stronger. Good luck and hope everything is settle soon.

I read your story. I was immensely touched. I would even say impacted. Its good to see that with help of some direction from wise members here you emerge as a hero in the end, which is good to find out. You are an admirable person.

Your (first) husband was a nice man, and you met him at a young age, so you were much shielded through your life. It was no wonder you did not realize that everyone is not the same , and it seems like there are all kinds of people out there. I hope his episode will make you wiser and stronger - for you as well as for the sake of your children, whom now you can guide better in their future decisions. There is always a good in every bad. Good Luck !

graduate2life,
Yes, my mistake was I was too genuine, did not have wisdom to see through the person.

I met my first husband when he was still in med school, and we married just after he finished the course. He was down to earth type, very genuine man, gave me all the love he had during our marriage, and we had 2 beautiful children together. The whole 14 years of marriage was so short, passed like a blinking moment of eye, and we were so much in love and passion for each other. I adored him as my lover, best friend, soul mate, and he cherished me as the center of the world. Every year, we had 2 family trips together, one with kinds & one for just for two of us without kids all over the world, and it was the happiest period in my life.
He was very sweet person inside out, treated his patience with heart, and everybody loved him as good doctor and a community leader.

Unfortunately, he died too early. I still do not understand why he had lung cancer even though he never smoked.

Anyhow, I genuinely believed anyone if they are nice to me, as I believed my husband when I was young. My second husband has good education and family background as well, but somehow given up to work, and started to depend on others and use them as mean. It is just sad. My mistake was I tried to replace my first husband with this man who had great smile and sweet talk, and I was not aware of the inside of him.

Now I am getting wiser and stronger, and my life is back in the track again like before.
The good news is my son wants to be a doctor just like his father. He is in med school, and completed entire his pre-med course with excellent GPA. He is genuine as much as his father, studying morning to night, working hard to help sick seniors every week in the local nursing home. I know he will make a good doctor just like his father, and I am so proud of him.

hungtoronto, cat and every one,
Thank you for giving me all the support and blessing I really need at this moment! :)