Hi
My husband I just became separated after 12 years of being married. We have three children, two of whom have autistic spectrum disorder. He is in the army, and away a fair amount of time. A few weeks ago, he told me that he didn't feel the same way about me that he used to, that he hasn't in a long time, and that he wanted to separate. This came as a big shock to me. He started staying at a friends house ( she works under him in his shop) , but he told me it was just "platonic'. About a week alter, I found out that a few days after we separated, he started having romantic feelings for her ( which he says he no longer has for me) and they started a relationship. I freaked when i found that out, and told him that he had a choice: either stay and try and work things out, or he could leave and keep seeing her, and I would inform the chain of command where he works about their "relationship". If it comes out that they had been seeing each other, he could get fined, demoted, lose his job, etc. as she is at a lower rank than he is and he is her supervisor. He told me they had been friends for about three months, and his lack of feeling for me has nothing to do with her, but instead with a whole bunch of other issues. He told me that I was too controlling, there is never enough money, I'm tired all the time, we never do anything f together, my hair looks bad, etc. He also told me that he has a lot of fun when we are together, but it's more like we are just "friends". He has made up a room for himself in the basement, and has agreed to go to counseling. He told me that he is willing to work on things, but he is afraid ( very afraid) that the "romantic feelings" for me won't come back. He is due to be deployed in the first week of november for six months, and he thinks he will still feel this way when he leaves.
I have really been thrown by all of this. He promised not to have any contact with this girl, but he still is ( she sent him a facebook instant message that started with " I have a confession to make". He didn't respond, but now he says he really wants to know what it is). I am also really worried that he has convinced himself that his feelings can't change, and so he won't really try. I have listened to all his issues, and tried my best to make the changes he requested, but he says he still feels nothing for me but "friendship". I tried to tell him that if things don't work out, I most likely won't want to have anything to do with him, and that did seem to surprise him a bit, but I don't know if it bothered him. He tells me he feels really sad that this has happened, and that he didn't want to hurt me.
Help! All input appreciated!

How old are you guys? And is this girl getting deployed with him?

He and I are both 37. He won't be getting deployed with her. He has told me that their relationship wasn't the cause of their problems, but more a symptom of them, and that they didn't start the romantic relationship until he thought there was no way we would be able to work things out.

I don't mean to sound melodramatic or anything, but this whole thing is making me feel physically ill. I can't eat, and have lost 20 lbs so far ( maybe not such a bad thing, eh?- ha ha). I am sad all the time, and when he sees that, he keeps asking me if I am sure we are doing the right thing by trying to work things out. II have tried to do things for myself, and have talked a lot to counselors, the base duty padre, friends, my family, etc. but I still feel miserable.

Your in a tight spot because of the deployment coming up,I really think you should hold off from anything drastic.
I'm military ignorant can you delay a deployment for family crisis?

Pretty much the only way to opt out of a deployment is to tell the CFMHP personnel that I don't think he is mentally ready to be deployed ( they call the deployed person's spouse and ask them that as part of the DAG process). Because the deployment is to a dangerous area ( Afghanistan), they need to know if he is mentally ready to be deployed. I'm kind of torn about that, as if he doesn't deploy, he will be letting his unit down, and if he does deploy and he isn't ready, and something happens to him or his patrol partners, I would feel awful. It's kind of a lot to ask one person to decide the fate of so many others, while we have issues of our own to deal with.
( I am sorry for all the acronyms- it's part of the military, I guess. Personally, I am a member of the C>R>A>P> committee ( Committee to Resist Acronym Proliferation)

Has anyone ever heard of a situation like mine before ( the whole " I love you but I am not in love with you" part?) If so, what was the outcome? I know every situation is different, but am I wrong to be holding out hope?

He's being deployed to Afghanistan, so I would most certainly hold off on allowing that to happen. It's an extremely dangerous region, as you well know, and people working there need to have their wits totally about them.

If your husband still genuinely loves you then there is hope. But, it depends if he's saying this truthfully, or just saying it so that you don't feel hurt. As you so rightly say, if he's not interested in reconciliation then nothing will being the 'in love' feeling back.

Having said that I would suggest that it's really important for you both to see a counselor who can help you tease out what has happened. Clearly it has taken some time to create this situation, so you making changes over a couple of weeks isn't going to make things right immediately.

You both need to understand what has happened and to talk about what 'love' means to both of you. Many people love each other but don't have that 'in love' feeling any more. It doesn't make a difference to their relationship because they understand that we often drift in and out of being 'in love' depending what is happening.

It's actually not the love that is the issue in your marriage but the commitment to it. At this stage, I'd be putting your marriage as the priority not the deployment. Six months is a long time to be away and will create even more distance between you.

You make some good point Gemini54,
He keeps telling me that he still really cares about me, could never hate me, hates that he is hurting me, etc. When I asked him what it was that he felt was missing, he told me that he couldn't explain it, just that " it wasn't there anymore". My parents have been married for almost 40 years, and I know from watching them that there are times that the "romance" may not be there, and that it does ebb and flow, but my husband doesn't seem to believe that. It's as if the "romantic" feelings aren't there right now, and he thinks they never could be again. But even though he says that he has been feeling this way for a long time, he has done a darned good job of covering it up, and never told me anything about it. So I have really only known he felt this way for about three weeks, and he keeps telling me that since these feelings aren't there now, they never will be again.

frozensprouts -

First off, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation with your husband. It's truly tragic, to say the least.

Having served in the Marines for 6 years, I know firsthand how challenging it is to be in the military on deployment... it's an entirely different dimension when you add a marriage into the mix.

I think what's most challenging in all of this discussion is that we are only hearing your side of the situation. It's really difficult for any of us to really give you a balanced perspective without hearing your husband's side of the situation. At any rate, the fact that your marriage is in such dire straits on the eve of your husband's deployment is an incredible challenge to working your issues out. It sounds like your husband is on the fence with where he's at and what he wants to do.

Your situation is not unique. The idea that your husband loves you but is not in love with you is one of the most common and yet tragic lines anyone could give someone. It means that some part of his heart feels compassion for you but he would rather be with someone else. It could be that he has convinced himself that this other girl has what he is looking for. He's pointing out flaws in you that seem superficial but he isn't really being honest about what really bothers him. Most men at some point probably evaluate their marriage and feel some doubt about their decision... if only I had held out for the other girl, they may think. But love is a commitment and the real weight of that commitment is tested when hard times come. Your husband has given in to those thoughts instead of confronting your issues head on and working on them.

There's really only one thing you can do. You have to decide what you are willing to do to keep your marriage. You should go to counseling with your husband and make yourself available to him in that way. However, you must be prepared for the worst. If he is cheating on you, you must have dignity for yourself and not allow that. You must decide what you are willing to put up with but if he is cheating and being dishonest, you may have to reevaluate your marriage.

There is no easy answer here; I hope you realize that. We are only hearing one side of this whole issue and it is unfair to not hear your husband's side of the story.

I wish you all the best.

This is an unusual situation, and while I can empathize with you, having to face such a daunting future with so many unknowns, I have a few ideas and thoughts on this.

First of all, he was forced to move home with you, under threat by you, to report him having an affair with a subordinate. Had you not had that leveredge, he would likely have stayed where he was. I'm not sure if that was a good move or not, but, at least you got his attention.

I don't see that he has a 'mental illness'. Despite him being deployed, I think that you should both get into counselling at least to set some groundwork, in the 8 weeks or so before he goes. There is time to address some basic issues.

I think it would be a good idea to come to some mutually agreeable terms in order to facilitate major decision making upon his return. Those things may include him not contacting his 'friend', you promising not to threaten him with reporting him, and mutual agreement upon keeping the marital problems out of the realm of friends and family.

The two of you need to focus on each other, and your marriage, without having influence from people who may not exactly be objective.

You also have three children to consider here, and at the moment you sound lost, depressed, and confused. If you could both speak to an impartial third party and at least clear the air and have an honest talk about your futures together, you would feel better Im sure. Maybe agree to disagree about a formal separation/divorce, until after he returns.

What you may find is that he will have time to reflect on his life. His 12 years of marriage, his three children. Although he may conclusively decide the marriage won't work, I think there is an equally good chance that he will see it the other way, and realize that he wants to work on his marriage.

He loves you but he isn't in love with you. That seems a contradiction, and many will disagree with me, but I think it is one and the same thing. When people think of being 'in love', they think of the early days. The living and breathing for the other person, effortless communication, busy exciting times together, etc. That special place where hormones and happiness create fireworks that you expect to go on forever.

Then reality sets in. Kids come along, mortgages, the humdrum bill paying, obligatory dinner at mom's house, soccer practise, house cleaning, working. Life is different. Fireworks have been replaced with the day to day activities and obligations that leave little time for romance and fun. It gets away on us so easily.

So, he needs to grow up in a way and realize that he has obligations that go beyond his needs, and his need to be 'in love', and rather focus on the love he has for you and his children, and make an honest effort to salvage his marriage.

When he returns, counselling should continue, and the foundation or agreement between the two of you to try, can then get down to the nitty gritty. If both parties are willing, there is nothing you cannot accomplish with someone who loves you, and someone you love back.

Thanks for all the answers so far. They have been very helpful- but things got even weirder last night.
He is on a course right now, and supposed to be staying "in barracks" at night ( "supposed to" and "are" aren't the same- as long as the people on the course get there in time in the morning, the instructors look the other way about staying there at night.) My husband told me last night that he had taken our second alarm clock to his room in barracks, and it was still there, and he would need an alarm in the morning to wake up in time to get back. He asked if I would ratyher him take the alarm clock from my I formerly our) room to use in his room in the basement, or have him sleep upstairs with me- I told him that he could do whichever he thought was best. He decided to sleep upstairs with me, and when he came to bed we talked for a minute, and said goodnight. He asked me if I wanted a hug goodnight, and I told him "yes", and we ended up snuggled up together and he fell asleep. He woke up once or twice, and I thought he'd pull away, but he didn't. He shifted around, but kept snuggled up pretty much all night. I didn't try and force him to, he just did it on his own. He didn't say anything, just cuddled up.
He was gone when I got up this morning, which is what I expected, but I am really confused now. What the heck was last night all about? He seemed content and happy, is that a good sign? Maybe he felt a bit of the old "love" back? I don't know, and I don't want to read too much into it, but it was nice.
I suppose the best thing to do is just wait and see what happens next- I really want to ask him about it, but I suppose waiting for him to talk may be best? He might come home tonight or he might not, depending on how his day goes. I guess all I can do is wait. Maybe I am looking at this in kind of a "mixed up" way, but how could he have stayed like that with me last night if there were absolutely no "feelings" at all? I was careful to let all the contact be initiated by him, but responded positively. I hope I did the right thing.

Your still married and it felt good and comfortable so of course you did the right thing maybe with everything going on between you and him you both just need that.
Having said that as guy I would tell you don't read too much into it and I wouldn't ask him about it that will just be awkward trying to answer
"well why did you snuggle with me?"
Is not a question I want to be asked he may have done it for selfish reasons just to feel normal again.I don't think he would have done that if he was totally done with you so there's plenty reason to believe he's wanting things to get better.
Is that confusing ?

Thanks Zippit, your answer makes sense. I wondered if maybe he was really hurting and in need of some comfort for himself, and hopefully, he got it, which may help him to sort out his feelings ( maybe , way deep down, past all the hurt and anger, there are still feelings and that may have helped him to see that? I can hope, I guess). After we had cuddled for a few minutes, I said " thank you for this" to him, as I wanted him to know that I did appreciate the comforting. He seemed really surprised, and said" you don't need to thank me".
I know it may not mean anything, but it's really hard not to be hopeful after last night.

I guess I was being too hopeful. He didn't come home last night ( but he did call) , and he came home tonight long enough to take a shower, ask me to make him something to eat and then he lefty again. I feel so horrible right now.
Part of me wishes that he could know how much this hurts, but I guess he doesn't see that.

I guess I was being too hopeful. He didn't come home last night ( but he did call) , and he came home tonight long enough to take a shower, ask me to make him something to eat and then he lefty again. I feel so horrible right now.
Part of me wishes that he could know how much this hurts, but I guess he doesn't see that.

I don't think that at this stage you should be cooking for him. If he chooses not to be in the relationship, then he loses his privileges with regards to you being a wife to him.

Have you thought of writing him a letter and telling him what you're feeling?

Had to spread the rep Gemini, but I think writing him a letter is a great idea.

Spill the beans, and give him a better idea what he has done to hurt you.

Certainly worth a try, and it may open up some communication. Especially if he 'doesn't get it'.

I think I will try that. I have not much else to do at night aftre I get my kids into bed. I clean like crazy, and have done a whole lot of "spot painting" on places on the walls that need it. I have kind of run out of things to do, and the nights are so quiet.

Hi
My husband and I separated about three weeks ago- it was a complete "bombshell" to me, but, after a lot of issues, we have decided to try and work on things. He has said things like " I love you but I am not in love with you" and " you are more like my best friend than anything else- there is nothing else there now". We do have an appointment to see a marriage counselor, and he will be seeing a counselor on his own, as am I. He has made up a room in the basement for himself, and that is where he has ( for the most part) been sleeping.
He had, about three months ago, developed a very strong friendship with a girl who works under him in his office ( he is in the army) and after he told me he wanted a separation, he started staying nights on her couch. I have found out that about two days after we separated, he started a "romantic' relationship with her. I was very upset about this ( for all the obvious reasons), as well as that if he gets caught in this relationship, he could be demoted, fined, etc. ( he's her supervisor and a higher rank). Since he is the breadwinner, ( we have three small kids, two of whom are autistic) that would be a disaster. I told him that he could either stop seeing that girl and try and work on things in our marriage, or keep seeing her, leave our house, and I would report what was going on, because either way, it had to stop. He agreed to stay at home and try and work on things.

The question I have ( after the very convoluted story) is can anyone give me some advice on how to maybe help him see that there can still be "romance" between us ( like the song lyric says " bring back that lovin' feelin'), and also , I find our conversations to be strained- it's hard to know what to talk about ( we have done a lot of talking about issues that he says he had been having with me for a long time, but never told me about because he didn't want to hurt me- this is good, I hope). Can anyone suggest a way to help alleviate this strain ? I have suggested to him that we maybe try and do some things with just the two of us, now that we have a sitter, but he doesn't seem interested. He just keeps saying that he is scared that his feelings won't change- he is due to be deployed in November for six or seven months to afaghanistan.

Thanks for reading all of this- any comments, ideas, suggestion,s etc. will be greatly appreciated, and I thank you for them.

Hi,
I'm very sorry to hear of your situation and understand that things must be very difficult for you at the moment.

The fact that you have talked about issues is a starting point to rebuilding your relationship and also deciding to see a marriage counselor shows that you both must want to make things work?

Maybe a way forward is to find out the things that attracted you together in the first place, the things that created the initial sparks in your relationship.
Hopefully the counseling (for him) will help him get out of the frame of mind of being scared of his feelings not changing.

I wish I could help more in some way but I think so far you have done the best things. Your talking openly, agreed to counseling so all I can do is with you luck.

All the best,
Danny

Hi.. what a very difficult situation to be in.

It seems that he has returned to the family home under duress.. ( if you don't I'll report you etc.) not really the best way to sort out your problems, but I can understand why ( bread winner and 3 children).

The fact that he is in the forces and he is soon to be deployed to Afganistan, must be a huge strain on all of you, this must be constantly on his mind.

I think a big factor could be this women, who obviously has an influence on him and should know better,however it does take two to tango.

I think she is just a way to escape for a while, away from the kids, thoughts of being deployed and things that are worrying him in general, I don't think this relationship will be for the long term but it has obviously made him look at your marriage realizing what is no longer their.
Most family life is like that, something new comes along( this women) everything is fresh and new, which excites him, he wants more,it very rarely lasts though.

Could you possibly get a baby sitter, arrange an evenning out, a meal or just down your local for a quiet drink, somewhere that you can both relax without interuptions, perhaps then you may be able to slowly air your thoughts and feelings out in the open, which will be a start.


Maybe the kids could stay with a friend or family for a few days, you could prepare a romantic dinner for you both, surprise him when he gets home, wear something that you know he likes...

The kids must be very demanding taking up most of your time, perhaps he feels left out and thinks it will be the same for many years.
I think to him you have become the mother, carer, housekeeper and maybe lost the sparkle you both once had.

When you know he's due home, do you freshen up, maybe put on a little make up, perfume, make sure your hair is tidy etc.
The reason I say this is because many women don't, then wonder why their husband looks elsewhere, at the end of the day you are his wife and lover which is what he wants to see.

Many women also say " he knows i love him" but have you told him so? I know this probably sounds a bit trivial considering the circumstances but in my opinion you must win his love back, the only way you are going to do that is to pamper yourself, make him look twice at you, try and get as much free time with him as you can, even a short walk down the shops arm in arm will gradually increase his responses to you, show him that you love him ( not because he's the bread winner) tell him you couldn't imagine your lives without him etc.

This may take a while but persevere, be calm,try and go about your daily routine without ing at each other it won't achieve anything.

The fact that he says he will try and work things out is encouraging, also the counciller is a good start.

I do think that he has let things get on top of him and would suggest that he might visit the GP.He seems to have lost interest in life in general, I think he does need some sort of pick me up right now, although he probably won't admitt to it ( not the manly thing to do )

For now in my opinion you have to be as nice as you can be, make him want to come home to you, if your shouting him down or constantly arguing you will push him towards this other women.

Hopefully when he's gone to the counciller he will be able to clear things from his chest, I really do think that there is an underlying problem, which is affecting in one way or another his whole life.

Takecare

I am trying to be as nice and helpful to him as I can be- and I'm trying to listen to his concerns and show that they are valid. I guess I am just being impatient, but I feel so horrible right now, and I just want things to work out. I don't mind doing the work to make that happen ( even if it is difficult and painful) if I knew that there was hope. But right now, I just don't know. I tried to look my best when he gets home ( I got my hair done, makeup, etc.) and he doesn't seem to notice. It's all so discouraging.

I re-read your response, Orphan, and he doesn't seem open to any kind of physical contact with me at all- he says it feels wrong.

OMG it sounds like I am reading my own life! My husband has just told me the same thing. We have been together for 12 years and married for 10. We have 3 little girls and my youngest has a terminal illness! What I wouldn't give to talk to you on the phone!

Heartbroken in Florida!

It's horrible, isn't it. My husband came home from barracks today, took a bath, ate the supper I made, and went to his " room' downstairs. I think he is asleep. Without wanting to sound melodramatic ( but I know I will), right now it feels as if he has just completely drained away all my energy, and I don't see how I will ever be happy again. I know I have to be patient, but this is killing me.
I don't know what to do to try and reach him. Sometimes it seems as if I am, but a lot of the time it's as if he has already shut himself off from me and I don't know what to do.

Heartbroken 1968,
It sounds like we are going through very similar situations. F I am online on here, please instant message me- it would be nice to "chat' with someone who knows what I am going through.

Hello
My husband and I just very recently separated. We are still living in the same house( he's in the basement and I am in the upstairs with our kids) . I want to try and fins some way to reconnect with him, but right now he just seems so angry and unreachable. He has told me things like " I love you but I am not in love with you", etc. He has agreed to go to marriage counseling with me, but , if I were to base the possibility of success on the way he's acting right now, I'd have to say I;m not very optimistic. Can anyone who has been in a similar situation give me some advice on how they got through this? How is it possible to reconnect with someone who doesn't seem to want to?
Thanks!

From your other posts I would say that he is not happy but he is doing what he has to with the conditions you gave him.
You can't force him to love you. You can't force him to make it work. Right now he has to be having a lot of resentment and even placing the blame on you even though he was the one that was cheating.

I really don't know what you can do but what you need to avoid is nagging and arguing.

I found out what at least part of his problem was today. He asked if we could go over the budget for this month, which is fine, but we are already half way through the first two weeks of the month, so payday is only a week away. I reminded him that we have to have enough money available to drive our daughter out of the area for a medical appointment, and he made some remark about how " I get it, there'll be less money, what else is new". Mentioning my daughter's medical appointment reminded me to call to see of our insurance claim for her autism therapy was approved. It was not, and I told him that. A few minutes later he came upstairs and said "please don't do that again. Telling me that the claim didn't get approved so now there'll be even less for the month.". Then he stormed out of the room. This is really begiing to drive me crazy. I know he had a long day, and was probably tired, but I am not happy about being someone who he feels he can "dump on" like that. I'm trying to be supportive and empathetic, and I told him that I didn't mean it that way and I was sorry if that's what it seemed like, but he seems to be getting more and more resentful of the fact that two of our kids have autsim and other health issues, which means there are extra expenses so there isn't as much money left over every month for "fun stuff".
I understand what you mean about not nagging, and I am really trying not to. Right now, the only "around the house" thing that I have asked him to do is to drive me and our kids to my daughter's medical appointment ( I can't drive, due to bad vision), but I haven't asked for help with the housework, cooking, etc. and I am still doing most of his laundry and cooking his meals, as well as looking after the kids, cleaning, etc. He starts leave tomorrow, so he'll be home all day.

I'm really sorry to be "dumping my problems" like this on a bunch of total strangers. But I hope that someone may read this and be able to offer some help- including constructive critisim.

Try doing extra little things to make him feel appreciated like a card with a heart that says I love you or little things like that. Do you have somebody that can watch the kids? Maybe you could get them to watch them then cook his favorite dinner and have candles and a movie.

I know guys don't like hearing about money problems and it can make them feel like they aren't doing good enough if they aren't providing enough.

Here are a couple things I drew you can use them if you want

I know its hard for you but you really should pull back from doing things for him
Cooking
Laundry
For his own good he needs to see what its like if/when he loses you
And it wouldn't be wrong for him to sit with the kids while you get out for awhile
You have to show him a different you so he see the decisions he's making are having a effect
And cleaning and painting etc. are good to keep busy but he needs to see more of a difference

The card idea worked for me, I know that in my first marriage when she wrote me a letter/card telling me what she felt and what she wanted it helped (for a while anyway). A letter can be read in private and allows time to think about what is being said and what is felt.

Remember that guys can't take a lot of emotion and stress for a long period in one sitting or constantly talk about how they really deeply feel, we are 'wired' differently. We need to deal with it in short 'spurts'. It's not like sitting down with a girlfriend and discussing it for hours, we overload emotionally.

After he reads it, simply ask him to think about what you have said and when he is ready, possibly he can sit and talk about it.

A letter allows time to sit down and really understand what is being said.

Good luck,

Stringer

Yea umm frozen you have a very similar thread running already
It kind of unfair to members to ask this question that don't know the WHOLE story

>Threads merged<

Thanks for merging the threads. I am kind of new to using interenet forums, and I will readily admit that I am feeling kind of desperate for any help or advice right now. If I have confused anyone I apologize.
I just wish I knew what to do to make things better. I am not looking for any "quick fix miracles", but even some small sign that things are moving in the right direction would be nice.

I re-read your response, Orphan, and he doesn't seem open to any kind of physical contact with me at all- he says it feels wrong.

Hi frozen,

At this moment it is to early for the touchy feely thing to work, give it time.

I can see there are all kinds of things going on here, money issues, the kids, always being to tired for anything.

The moment anything to do with money comes up, he seems to loose it ( extra pressure) it wouldn't matter what you asked of him, anything would be a strain, not to mention how guilty he is feeling, epecially if you are being kind and considerate.
He would much rather you were being angry , he could handle that, it would add to his excuses of why it won't work, plus leave him feeling less guilt.

The fact that you still do things for him, can work both ways, after a hard day even though he may not say so, he 's really thankfull that a meal is ready and so on,on the flip side if he came home totally worn out and he then had to throw something together to eat, maybe iron a shirt etc. then he just might think,blow it I might as well live on my own.

I know part of you really wants to say... push off , but a bigger part wants to say... please stay.
At least while he's there you can still keep trying.

I feel this women has turned his head, does he still see her at work each day? I'm presuming he does, I want to tell you to go and see her, take some moral support and warn her off, but I think that would push him away, however it may come to that eventually.
The sad thing is she doesn't really want him, it's just her latest toy for a while until someone better comes her way... but he won't see that until it's to late.

Hopefully she's not being deployed with him. Clear thinking is needed, she most definitely should not be texting or emailing him, it's just adding fuel to the fire, if it continues you really will have to go and see her, hopefully without him knowing and with a witness.

To him I think he is seeing a relationship with no ties or worries, this is not reality, the grass is not greener on the other side.

Despite what has happened I think he's probably a decent guy and actually despizes himself, and is full of guilt for letting you and the kids down, something that he would never normally do, he says things have not been right for 3 months, I wonder if that was when this woman made a play for him!! OK he could have said no,but put it on a plate for any guy, on a regular basis, eventually they'll give in.

I think you have to stay strong keep doing the nice thing, quietly offer to lend him a listening ear even if he wants to talk about this woman ( grit your teeth )the moment has to be right though, maybe when the kids are gone to bed or perhaps they are staying with a relative over-night. If it's still early he will know that you are sat watching TV or what ever on your own, he might just be tempted to come and sit a while... see how it goes, what ever you do don't force the issue.

Takecare

Good advice Orphan
Right now it's like he's pulling teeth to be anywhere near me. It's incredibly difficult to live like this- the only thing he seems to come upstairs to do is to use the computer. Last week, he would at least ask me if I wanted to go downstairs and talk, now, he isn't even doing that. I am really starting to wonder if he resents the fact that I made him stop seeing that girl ( she keeps messaging him of facebook- he does tell me, but makes a big point of showing that he's not answering her).
I can only hope that our first counseling session goes well- but with the way he seems to be right now, I don't know if he'd go with an open mind or not.

Hey frozen

I stayed away from talking about this other girl but since you brought her up again
Is there a chance they are a item and that's what this whole ordeal is about?

I honestly don't know. He has been home, in the room he made up for himself in the basement, and hasn't gone out very much except to go to work. The problem is that he works with her, so once his leave is over he'll end up seeing her again anyway, and he says they are still "good friends" ( he says that all they were was "good friends", at least until two or three days after he said he wanted to separate)

( sorry, I got cut off)
He has also told me that this girl wasn't the problem, that he didn't go out looking to meet someone, and that they had both talked about it with each other and, even though they knew it was wrong, they decided they wanted to start a romantic relationship anyway ( he told me that it was okay as he didn't think there was any chance we'd get back together).
I am starting to think that I did the wrong thing is asking him to stop seeing her-he'll just end up resenting me for it, and maybe if their relationship had run it's course, then maybe he would have seen her for what she is ( she has done this sort of thing before with other bosses that she has had).
Right now, it's as if he hates me, and is just tolerating me being here because he has to. I don't know, maybe I should just give up, as feeling this way is really horrible, and I wonder if I am just wasting my time ( the one good thing is that we had to sit down and work on a budget together for the month, which he never really helped with before. Maybe now he'll see that I was telling the truth when I told him that there really wasn't any extra money in the "piggy bank"). He just seems to want to be alone, holed up in the room he made up for himself downstarirs, and he is working on getting a computer with internet access up and running, which means I'll probably never see him at all now unless I go to put in a load of wash ( or for supper)
The funny thing is that our oldest daughter was having trouble with a neighborhood bully, and we were trying to talk with her to make her feel better, and he told her that she needs to let go of the bad things and focus on what's good- if only he'd take his own advice, maybe we wouldn't be where we are right now.

Hi frozen,

What ever way you look at the situation he still has to maintain the children, until they leave education etc. so his money situation will not get better if the worse comes to the worse, not to mention probably you as well.

The fact that he see's this woman at work is a main problem, it's like constantly dangling a cream cake in front of a person who weighs 25 stone and must loose weight.

I'm beginning to think maybe you should have had a quiet word with a superior, who maybe could get her moved to a different location.

Any progress no matter how small that might have been made at home, is being blotted out the moment he goes to work, it's no wander everything is a strain, she is the root of all of this.

Friends... I am so sorry frozen but I don't believe that for one second, she's got her claws into him, and filled his head with all kinds of suggestions.

Perhaps you should take a different tactic if things go on as they are, something as to give, there is too much pressure for all of you.

I think you should suggest learning to drive, also ask him what nights he is available for baby sitting (after all they are his children) say you feel the need to go out with the girls or a friend, what ever comes to mind, casually adding that," it seems that i'm going to be a single woman again, so i thought i might as well get used to it", and leave it at that.

If it doesn't do anything else it may make him think of you being with another man.I know this sounds harsh but I think you have to fight fire with fire right now. Just the thought of other men being atracted to you, just might make him realise what he could loose.

Obviously frozen it's up to you if you choose to try this,I just think that at the moment, this women is holding all the aces, you need to give a dose of your own... after all he goes out.

Take care

I would love to do that. Maybe I will. He is till hiding out downstairs, and when I said to him that if we want to work on things we will have to try and do some things together, he got angry at me and said that I was being critical. I didn't think that I was, so I apologized and told him that this " in house separation" is really hard for me, but I am trying to give him space, etc. . He told me that he has never really been on his own, and right now that's what he wants. But I don't know if I am to take from that that he wants to stop trying or what. As far as I know, he will still be going to counseling with me on Monday afternoon, but right now, I have to wonder how much effort he will be willing to put into things.

About finding another man, he has kind of shot myself esteem all to heck with the comments he has been making, so right now, I don't think I could.

My dear frozen, I didn't actually mean for you to go and look for another man, in fact that would be the last thing on your mind right now.

Your bound to feel totally dumped on right now, just remember this was not of your doing.

I'm sure deep down you are trying to blame yourself... thinking it must have been something you did, this is not the case these thing just happen.Usually if there is a problem husband and wife talk it out together, your husband told you that there had been a problem for 3months... the problem being this other woman... which you couldn't discuss between you... hence the separation.

I know he says that she was just a friend until a few days after you separating... as I'v said before,I don't believe a word of it.

Lets face it frozen, you have been together 12 years, you separate and he only waits 3 days, absolute rubbish.

If he was devastated that your marriage had broken up after 12 years, then he wasn't upset for to long,in fact it took him a whole 3 days to have a relationship with another woman! Think about it frozen... in my opinion it was all planned despite what he says.

I hope he comes to his senses for the sake of you and the kids and really does make an effort tomorrow (monday) at the councillers.
Some how I feel that he is in a place he doesn't know how to get out of, I feel he will be very negative right now so very little will be resolved, I hope this isn't the case.

I wish you luck, I'll be thinking of you all.

Takecare

I really liked the counselor that we saw, but I don't know what good it did. After we came home, he wwent out for a few minutes, and when he came home he told me that he wanted to get some kind of legal separation agreement, and move out. He told me that he still wants to go to counseling , that he still wants to "try", and that these things are his way of trying ( he figures if there is an agreement in place then neither of us will end up angry at the other person- I'm sorry, but that's nuts) . He says that we could do what the counselor recommended as far as "working on things", and maybe try going out together with out the kids sometimes and see what happens.
When I asked him what he was really doing to "try" he got angery and cited the above points, and said that the fact that he hopes I will still be here waitint for him when he gets back from deployment means something.
Right now, I am so angry and hurt and everything else.

I'm sure you realize that he needs to go more than once to see the counsellor. No work has really been done-yet.

If the counsellor is aware of the impending deployment, she will hopefully come up with a plan that will work for the both of you, until he comes back. That may include regular email (if possible), updates on the kids, etc.

If he has decided to formally get a separation before he goes, then there is not much you can do to stop him. But, I'd continue with the counselling anyway, because you will both have to reach mutual ground for the sake of the kids.

If all you can agree to is how to communicate without anger for now, then that is progress. I realize that you still have hope for the marriage, and I still say that when he is gone, he will have time to really think about what he wants to do. I would not bet on this one being over.

Hi frozen,

Judging by your post there wasn't a lot gained to eleviate the current situation, I am so sorry, I really feel for you all.

Whilst I can see the point of moving out temporarily ( releaves the pressure and gives both of you space to think individually, also the kids don't have to be party to any bad feeling between you both ) for the life of me I fail to understand the point of a legal separation at this moment.
Surely that comes much later after several appointments with the counciller, decisions with the children's welfare, which is normally first priority and then the decision that you both make about your marriage.!

He must have decided where he was going to be staying before he told you of this, especially as he goes on about money issues.
It's quite expensive to rent, not to mention the fact that some places won't allow children, also there has to be room for the children to stay over at times, which means a larger place costing more rent.

I suppose he could be staying with family or friends.

Has he talked about the kids... how he is going to explain this or is it a case of that's your department.

Before he moves out there are several issues that must be addressed, i.e.. Kids, money, visiting, maintenance for you all, and so on.

The counciller suggested all the things that we have already said to you, but it seemed that at that time he wasn't interested.

So let me get this clear... he wants to separate, giving him freedom to do what he wants, not to mention leaving you to look after the kids alone, he'll then decide what he wants to do in his own time... I'm sorry froz' but he's got to be taking the p...

He then adds that he hopes you'll still be waitng for him when he comes home... words that I can print fail me.

He's a grown man with all the responsibilitys that entails, at least he could be upfront about things, instead of walking away every time you try to talk to him.

I think he is a very selfish man, who right now is only thinking of himself, what about his children and what about his wife.
I think he will go to councilling just so he can say he has and that he tried.

My immediate reaction is to say to you... let him go and have no contact with him, let him see exactly what it's like to be on your own.
I know this won't be possible because of your finances, but he cannot be allowed to come in and out of your lives at will, it will be to upestting for you and the children.
Let him visit on your terms.

A separation is not needed, maybe space is,for now... keep your chin up.

My sincere apologies if I have offended you by anything that I have said... I feel your anger

This is only my opinion, I really do wish that you all come through this together.

Takecare

thanks Orphan, I appreciate the support.
He did come back ti the house with coffee at two, and we talked a lot in a way that made no sense to. I had been talking to a friend who is also a counselor, she told me based upon what I was telling her, it sounds like my husband does need some " space", and that gave me some ideas about thing to talk about. I wrote out the islt, he read it, and started going on about how " we are not together now" etc. He doesn't want to see the counselor anymore, so I don't much hope for the future. I have a feeling that he will be running right back to that girl, and that makes me feel ill.
We have to be together tomorrow, as we have to take our daughter to Hailfax for a medical appointment. I have a feelig that will be a ong and depressing drive ( about 5 hours each way)I asked him what this separation meant, and was it just to have something in lace while we get a divorce. He looked kind of surprised and said " I've never used that word before, or mentioned it"

Does anyone out there have a 2X4 they culd lend me for a minute- I could use it to knock some sense into him! ( ha ha)

With that remark from him I would take it as his final decision and get on with my life.
You are giving him too much leeway asking what the separation means. He wanted to leave you so why should he call the shots on how you should proceed from here? His way would probably mean sit and wait until he is done with his skirt fling and then you wasted years of your life when he never comes back.

Knocking sense doesn't work trust me --been there tried that!

Your both under pressure, from finances and emotionally from care for your children. The stress is great, and neither of you seems to have the emotional support, to know how to support each other.

All couple go through these stresses, and healthy ones get through it together, or where one is strong enough to help the other.

Sorry to say, he needs more than a house wife, and you need more than an emotionally absent husband. And since your both isolated, and lost in your own worlds of misery, and pain, something has to change.

Either work together, or stop this room mate stuff, and really separate, physically. Those are your options. Not to be harsh, but cooking, and cleaning for him, is not what he needs, and only perpetrates to further drive you apart.

Lack of communications, and a lack of formulating a plan that works for you both with the finances, and health care of your children, is ruining you both, because there can be no light at the end of the tunnel until there is hope that a resolution can be reached to your problems.

You both lack the knowledge to have hope of things getting better, so get your counseling, for both emotional issues, and more importantly, for financial issues as well.

Good Luck to you all.

The stress is great, and neither of you seems to have the emotional support, to know how to support each other.

Exactly what I mean about her taking the first step and initiating a little romantic feelings to break the ice.

This morning he came by tto pick us up and he told me that he had decided that he wasn't going to move out of the house, and I asked him what that made us- are we just waiting until enough time has gone by that he can ask for a divorce, are we trying to work on things , or is he just waiting to see what happens- he told me he is just waiting to see what happens. The trip today to take my daughter to her appointment wasn't too bad, but he kept the music in the van cranked up so loud that is was impossible to talk anyway. ( the Dr. diagnosed our daughter with fibromyalgia, and prescribed a new medication). When we got home, he said something about how he was glad we didn't argue, and that " I guess the only way that happens is if we don't talk at all". I told him, in a joking way, that I had tried to talk to him, but the music was so loud he didn't hear me. Then he told me that he was going out to his friends house for the night, and would be back tomorrow. I told him that he should either be here or not be here, but this " in and out " stuff is really hard on the kids. He told me that we weren't together, and I couldn't tell him what to do. He also told me that he wanted to talk tomorrow, and that one of the things he had wanted to talk about was that he didn't want me to read too much into the fact that we didn't argue today. He told me that he had to go and gather up some papers to take with him, which seems weird if he is just going to "visit a friend".
He did agree to see a different counselor, he picked the counselor.
Right now, I am so sick and tired of the whole thing. I wish he'd just leave, but we live in military housing, and because he is the military member, apparently he has the right to stay here, unless he is abuse. I don't think he's being abusive, just a jerk.

You are best off to distance yourself. Shock him and act like you don't expect anything from him and as you said the ''in and out'' stuff only makes it worse. He is making his bed outside the home and family leave him there.
Right now your main focus needs to be you and your daughter.

Here are some links for fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia Diet - Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia Diet for Manging Symptoms (http://chronicfatigue.about.com/od/copingwithfmscfs/a/cfs_fibrodiet.htm)

Fibromyalgia and Diet: 7 Foods to Avoid (http://www.webmd.com/fibromyalgia/guide/fibromyalgia-the-diet-connection)

Also vitamin B12 and 5 HTP is good for fibromyalgia
Also use sea salt instead of table salt

Hi Frozensprouts.
I'm a military wife also and 5 days ago I was give the " I love you, but I'm not in love with you." He has agreed to go to counseling, and I too am doing everything you are doing. Trying to be nice, trying to look good. Everyone says go back to when you first met and try to act that way. That was 8 years ago. I don't remember. My husband said I'm also controlling.. etc. I really am. I don't know why I need to be. He is a very loving caring man. I really feel like my whole world is turning upside down and all of my hopes and dreams are flying out the window. I guess I just got to comfortable and let things get away from me. Something that has helped me is to write down and journal my feelings. It has really helped me vent and when you feel like crying just get it out. Don't be needy or clingy, and act like things are okay. Maybe even smile and flirt a little. Tell jokes and funny stores and get him to smile. Other than this.. so far I'm at a loss. Keep praying, and know that life goes on, and we will and can get through anything. After all we are military wives we are the toughest of the tough.

Hi everyone!
It's been a while since I posted here, but I will update on what happened in case anyone is interested, and I also have a few questions to ask.

The day after I wrote my last post we had an appointment to see a different counselor at six . He went out the night before and he didn't get home until two in the afternoon. By that time, I was just so angry at him. He started talking about a "separation agreement' again, and I told him that I would not be getting one unless I saw a lawyer first. he was taken aback. i also asked him if he was still seeing that other girl. he told me he was and that he had strong feelings for her". I freaked! I had enough of being treated badly- there to look after the kids and all the "boring , mundane everyday stuff" while he went out and had fun with her with no responsibilities, etc. I called the base duty padre and reported what was going on, and I also called a divorce lawyer in the area that my dad knew. The padre took the report but both the lawyer and he told me to wait a day or two and see the counselor before deciding anything. I told my husband what I had done and what I was told, and he got really sad. I think it finally hit him. I also told him that I still loved him, in spite of everything, and would still be willing to give things one more try if that was what he wanted- he told me it was. We got ready and went to see the new counselor - she was great!

Between mid August and when he deployed in mid October, we saw the counselor about five or six times. He also saw her on his own. We started trying to do thing with just the two of us ( going out for lunch, the art gallery, going out for dinner) and things seemed to get a lot better. He even put his wedding ring back on.

I know that things at work got really stressful for him, and his deployment message got canceled four times until it all got sorted out. I was as supportive as I could possibly be for him during all that, and I think he appreciated that.

The week before his deployment, he started acting kind of weird. He started making morbid jokes about "if I don't come back' etc.. One night we had some friend over and we had a few ( maybe three each) drinks. we had a nice time, but when our friends left i got kind of sad that he would be leaving in a few days. He saw that i was upset and asked me what was wrong, I told him that I was sad that he was going soon,but he said he knew it was more than hat and he wanted me to tell him how I felt abut what happened. i told him that it wasn't really the time to get into that, as he was leaving soon and had enough on his mind without me adding to it. He started badgering me to talk to him ( he even told me "this could be your last chance to tell me"- morbid again) . He got angry, so i finally told him about how hurt and sad I was and how what he had done had hurt me- he said " well how do you think I'VE felt for he past few months". I asked him why he stayed, and all he would say was' I said I would try, and I'm trying". Then he fell asleep.

He left for deployment a few days later, and called me from Trenton, Germany , Camp mirage and Kandahar airfield. He goes on Gmail chat almost every day with me for a few minutes, and calls once a week. He tell me " I love you" at the end of every call or chat session, which is nice.

My problem now is that I am still afraid. If a day goes by and he doesn't email, I get all freaked out and wonder if he's emailing her or if he's decided he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I have no reason to think that, but it's hard not to feel that way. I spend a lot of my time worried and very sad. I hate feeling worried all the time, but I can't seem to stop.
Anyway, that's what has happened so far- I really hope things work out for us, but something that bother me too is that I am afraid that I might start to "detach myself" from him to avoid getting hurt again, and then that will end up killing my feelings for him.

You can't survive worrying about everything that may, or may not happen. Take one day at a time, and make the most of it.

One more thing-

I really do miss him a lot. Even if I don't hear from him, I send him a couple of emails a day to let him know what is going on at home and to let him know that I love him and miss hm and am worried about him. My question is will this seem like I am pestering him? I don't want to do that, but the emailing a couple of times a day makes me feel a little bit closer to him.

This is all really confusing and very "illogical" to me. I hate things that don't make sense, and even our counselor has told me that his actions didn't make much sense. I just wish that people who are considering cheating on their spouse ( our counselor feels that the whole " wanting a separation thing" was because he had been having an emotional affair with this girl and wanted - maybe subconsciously- to have a physical affair with her, and that would let him do it without feeling guilty)- wouls stop and think about the hurt and pain they will cause in another person- someone who,more than likely, did nothing to deserve to be treated that way