I've been in what has become a serious relationship for 4 months now. It's been a very intense relationship, and we've been through a lot in a short period. Im a very skeptical person by nature, and it's taken a lot of work, but our relationship has solidified a lot, and I have put a lot of trust in her, and she has in me as well. The sex was a bit shaky at first, as we jumped into it a bit quick (for me anyway) but it has gotten very good, and very intense. We have sex prety much whenever we see each other - about 4 - 6 times a week.

The emotional aspect and trust we have in each other has grown a lot as well. It has been hard for both of us to find someone we can trust, but we both believe we have that in each other.

Now, here's the problem - she has a friend in another state she sees maybe once or twice a year. They have been friends for many years and although they considered a relationship at one point she has said repeatedly she wouldn't be able to stand him as a boyfriend and a relationship would never work with him. However, they have had a "no strings attached" sexual relationship on and off for several years. She is planning on seeing some family over Christmas, and knows she is going to see him when she goes home. This is the first time she will have seen him since we've been together, and she has said there's a good chance she will have sex with him. Not because of any dissatisfaction with me, but because they have always had a connection physically, and can both separate emotion from sex. She has explained it in length to me, because she wants to be honest and doesn't want to go behind my back. She knows I'm uncomfortable with it, and she doesn't want it to hurt or end our relationship if it happens.

What's hard is the fact that we have a very deep and emotional relationship. I have looked and tried to find some dishonesty on her part on the emotional side but I can't find any, so I know she is not faking her feelings for me.

Any ideas?

I've been in what has become a serious relationship for 4 months now...

Now, here's the problem - she has a friend in another state she sees maybe once or twice a year... This is the first time she will have seen him since we've been together, and she has said there's a good chance she will have sex with him. Not because of any dissatisfaction with me, but because they have always had a connection physically, and can both seperate emotion from sex. She has explained it in length to me, because she wants to be honest and doesnt want to go behind my back. She knows I'm uncomfortable with it, and she doesn't want it to hurt or end our relationship if it happens.

I have looked and tried to find some dishonesty on her part on the emotional side but I can't find any, so I know she is not faking her feelings for me.

Any ideas?
Ya... break up with her.

Her manipulation skills are impeccable! She has you convinced that having sex with another guy ain't so bad. The fact that you even listened to her tell you this crap blows my mind.

Talaniman has said it to me and I say it to you "relationships that move too fast will always crash and burn". An intense, four-month relationship doesn't lend itself to a solid relationship.

So again, break-up with her because if you two do continue to date well into the future, this will not be the last time you'll be sharing your girlfriend with that friend or others, and she'll live guilt-free because she told you about it beforehand.

She may be being honest with you regarding the likelihood of having sex with this other guy but she's not being very honest regarding her feelings for you. "I love you and care for you very much, but I'm probably going to have sex with this other guy over Christmas because we've always had a physical relationship with no strings attached. I won't consider just saying to him 'sorry, but I'm involved with someone else now so I can't have sex with you any more.' " Now I don't know how all of this sounds to you but it sounds pretty off the wall to me. Doesn't exactly qualify for the "girlfriend of the year" award in my estimation. Govern yourself accordingly.

She may be being honest with you regarding the likelihood of having sex with this other guy but she's not being very honest regarding her feelings for you. "I love you and care for you very much, but I'm probably going to have sex with this other guy over Christmas because we've always had a physical relationship with no strings attached. I won't consider just saying to him 'sorry, but I'm involved with someone else now so I can't have sex with you any more.' " Now I don't know how all of this sounds to you but it sounds pretty off the wall to me. Doesn't exactly qualify for the "girlfriend of the year" award in my estimation. Govern yourself accordingly.


She feels this way because previously she was in a marriage where she sacrificed everything for a man who ultimately wasn't willing to provide emotionally or physically. She was with this man for her enitre adult life and is now in her late 20's. Although she wants to be with me, and understands my feelings her gut feeling is that she feels she is setting her self up for the same thing if she doesn't go on her trip over christmas. She feels the temptation may be too great if she does go.

At first, we talked about it and she decided she wasn't going to go because of our relationship, but now she's considering it again.

It doesn't matter the reason for being unfaithful- we alwasys have choices. And yes she is being unfaithful, despite the fact she told you. Hey I'm not perfect, but it seems she trying to convince you that there isn't nothing wrong with it. What if the tables were turned. Ask her how she would feel. Maybe your relationship isn't worth that much to her anyway. Caus from a girls perspective, once you find "the one" isn't nothing can make you cheat on them.

Sure tell her her she can have sex with him, just make sure to tell her not to come back after.

Even if she doesn't have sex with him, to seriously consider cheating when your only four months into a relationship is a clear sign that it will fail.

I say end it. If she is this eager to have sex with someone else at this point in your relationship, knowing how much it will hurt you, I don't see how she will remain loyal to you if this becomes long term.
Break up with her now and save yourself a lot of heartbreak.

At least she's honest. Unfortunately she's also loose. I, once upon a time, had some of those " no strings" relationships. But if I were to see one of them now( I do regularly) I wouldn't even be tempted. Because it's NOT RIGHT now that I am married. Just like it's not right because SHE'S in a relationship with you now.

She obviously doesn't care at all about you or your feelings. Get rid of her now, BEFORE she has the chance to hurt you like this. She's probably going to be like this for the rest of her life.

"You see it's a tradition, regardless of who I'm with, I screw THIS GUY because we've been doing it for years" Are you kidding me?

Get out now.

If she knows you don't like it, and she still insists, then she doesn't "love" you like you think, and she isn't right for you.

Also, that's a good way to get STDs! :eek:
People who believe in NSA relationships, there's no way of knowing how many partners they had.

If she genuinely cared for you and was committed to your 'intense' relationship then the thought of sex with another guy wouldn't even enter her head, even if it has only been 4 months.

I think her desire to shag this guy is a huge red flag for the potential of your relationship. What if she doesn't get him out of her system? What if she still wants to shag him in another 6 months? In another 2 years? In another 6 years?

She may not be faking her feelings towards you, but clearly she does not have the capacity for discrimination or for commitment.

Feelings are only feelings after all - they can change.

What you need to ask yourself is, do you want to continue to have a relationship with someone that has a questionable sense of integrity and whose values are very different to our own?

Don't make excuses for her.
If she can't be faithful then she isn't worth your time.

You say
They have always had a connection physically, and can both separate emotion from sex
TRANSLATION:
I have NO self control over my desires for sex

SO I don't even see where you can trust her other than she is honest with you

BUT where does her honestly get you when it is to tell you I AM going to cheat on you.

You can use any words you want to to paint a pretty picture to justify something but in the end a rose is a rose and cr@pola is CR@POLA.

She feels this way because previously she was in a marriage where she sacrificed everything for a man who ultimately wasn't willing to provide emotionally or physically. She was with this man for her enitre adult life and is now in her late 20's. Although she wants to be with me, and understands my feelings her gut feeling is that she feels she is setting her self up for the same thing if she doesn't go on her trip over christmas. She feels the temptation may be too great if she does go.

At first, we talked about it and she decided she wasn't going to go because of our relationship, but now she's considering it again.
Rate this Answer

What happened in her past is not an excuse to bring that baggage into your relationship.

That is why when people jump from relationship to relationship without healing and learning and growing by them self,they are doomed to carry the crap from one bad relationship to the next.

That is why going slow and taking your time is important to a healthy bond.

There is no telling where you will be with this girl in four months.

If she is truly committed to you at that time she will not want to have sex with any other man.

I don't care how much of a habit it is or how much she may like it,if you are more important to her than a roll in the hay, she won't do it.Its that simple.

What happened in her past is not an excuse to bring that baggage into your relationship.

That is why when people jump from relationship to relationship without healing and learning and growing by them self,they are doomed to carry the crap from one bad relationship to the next.

That is why going slow and taking your time is important to a healthy bond.

There is no telling where you will be with this girl in four months.

If she is truly committed to you at that time she will not want to have sex with any other man.

I don't care how much of a habit it is or how much she may like it,if you are more important to her than a roll in the hay, she won't do it.Its that simple.


What she said is quite true... and I will want to add... 4 months is NOT enough time to be deeply inviolved or develop deep feelings... at 4 months what you feel is lust, not love. Give it time and you will understand what I'm saying... we have almost all been through that before. Its not new to us.

Thank you all for your advice. I feel the same way you all do. Artladys comments sum up my feelings. I am not trying to make excuses for her as someone said, just give some more detail.

Although I agree 4 months is not enough time to develop a really serious relationship it has been more intense than the others. Without going into my own relationship history I will say we both do have feelu fs for each other and as open as I am sexually (I'm open to just about anything but this) I can't compromise on this and allow myself to be run over.

Anyway we gotinto a fight about it and broke up last night. Long story short, she's texting me telling me she wants me back. I want to be with her but I'm out of energy and can't go along with her proposed arrangement. That to me is non negotiable.

Exactly don't compromise
I said don't make excuses because you can easily fall into that trap because it is hard to make a choice when your emotions are so involved.
If she can so easily have casual sex with an old friend then I just can't see her committing to you 100% in the future. You don't know how often in her life she is going to run into this guy or even find other guys that she can't keep her hands off.

And good for you. Nothing she can say will make it work out because you can't trust her.

Good for you.
It's hard now, but it's much easier than keeping yourself with her indefinitely beause you don't want to hurt her... or even yourself.

Its easier to get out of this mess now than it will be when you have more time invested. It's never ewasy to walk away... but most times it IS easier than staying, dealing with it and still leaving later.

Like you said... some things just are NOT negotiable. When that happens stand by your beliefs.

Thanks...

Now she's saying she's willing to work on it and try and change her feelings. She's still a bit defensive about it, and it isn't exactly clear what has to happen or what my role in it would be.

... or if you can really trust her.
What's to say that now that she knows how you feel about it she is telling you what she wants you to think

Well, she's practically breaking down crying saying she wants to try and change the way she feels about it, even though she's almost convinced an "open" relationship would work and that I assumed too much early on when I assumed she would want a "normal" monogomous relationship.

We both feel that the other is trying to spin the argument to fit our own feelings/beliefs.

I told her I need time to think about it, and that there would be trust issues.

Exactly and she can not say that it is your fault for assuming she would want a "normal" monogomous relationship because it is just as wrong for her to assume you should accept an open relationship. She is using it to twist things to make you feel obligated to her having her way.
I would say that it is more ''normal'' that you assume a monogomous relationship because most relationships do not last through open relationships. Its just not the norm and so it should be discussed/brought up by the one wanting an open relationship.
I'd proceed with caution and think long and hard.
I am on your spin with this one.

Well, she's practically breaking down crying saying she wants to try and change the way she feels about it, even though shes almost convinced an "open" relationship would work and that I assumed too much early on when I assumed she would want a "normal" monogomous relationship.

We both feel that the other is trying to spin the argument to fit our own feelings/beliefs.

I told her I need time to think about it, and that there would be trust issues.

Stick to your guns. You know what your values are.

You could counter that she assumed too much too early by assuming you would be OK with her shagging this guy when she felt like it. You're lucky to have found this out before the relationship went too far.

This relationship is a one way street to nowhere.

Stick to your guns. You know what your values are.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

I'm always of the old style belief in relationships that a monogamous relationship should be well... monogamous.

I.E. the condition or practice of having a single mate during a period

Key words: SINGLE MATE

The thing is you can't have all the candy in the candy store. You cannot say well I want you but I'm going to take him to. It just doesn't work that way. It sounds as if she is not ready for a committed relationship at this point in her life and frankly you deserve better. Don't let her guilt you back into the relationship. Her feelings may be hurt now but what about yours? You don't need to worry about the "temptation being too great" every day of your existing relationship. Right now she just wants her old screw buddy but maybe she'll find that check out guy at the grocery store too tempting next, or perhaps some guy at a bar. Not worth it.

Holy cow!

I'd cry too if I were like that woman! Cry because I'm completely incapable of caring about other people's feelings... especially my boyfriend's!

Why are you asking for ideas?

The only "idea" I have is getting rid of her! Then she can go find a guy who wants to emotionally separate himself from their relationship as she's doing with yours!

Crap! I mean, what the heck!

Sometimes I really don't know how I can read some of these threads without punching someone in the face...

I think she should go advertise for a boyfriend that is fine with an open relationship while OP goes and finds him a good woman that knows how to be a faithful mate.

An open relationship ONLY works if:

1. All members in the open relationship are on board with the idea--you're not.
2. There is complete and total trust--you don't have that, not after only 4 months.
3. There is open and honest communication--I don't think you're getting that either, with the way she's waffling on things.


You don't even have a good base for a NORMAL relationship at this point, because you don't have the same idea of what a relationship should be.

My advice is to tell her goodbye, and move on.

Well, she's practically breaking down crying saying she wants to try and change the way she feels about it, even though shes almost convinced an "open" relationship would work and that I assumed too much early on when I assumed she would want a "normal" monogomous relationship.

We both feel that the other is trying to spin the argument to fit our own feelings/beliefs.

I told her I need time to think about it, and that there would be trust issues.

I would not trust her... people do not change overnight, and people do not make HUGE lifestyle changes without experiencing a major life trauma. This has NOT happened.

Most people slip right back into old habits after a short while.

I recommend you walk away now and don't look back. There is only heartache and sorrow where this one is involved... doesn't matter that the sex was good. You can have that with most women... as well as a real relationship with shared values which means even more.

I appreciate everyone's advice. As silly as it may sound to you all, I am on the fence. It's easy to say "dump her and move on" when you are talking on the internet and are not with people face to face. I also know it's good to get advice from third parties who can be more objective.

I think she is genuine in wanting to make it work. I know she has the ability to be monogomous because she has done it in past relationships and for several years in her marriage before it fell apart.

I know many of you will probably "flame" me for this but I am on the fence. It's harder when you're the person dealing with the situation and not giving advice online.

I don't want to sound ungrateful though, I have read a lot of good advice here.

I've said it once before... love will take you to your highest highs, and lowest lows.

Know it hurts, but you need to cut her loose. Chalk it up to experience. Only 4 months in... count your losses and go on about your life. Don't waste any more energy on her. Good luck finding a better one next time.

I can completely understand where you are coming from danib.

It's much easier to talk about relationships and emotions that are not your own.

I understand that walking away is not nearly as easy an action as it is to type, but the facts are still the same.

Perhaps you could try just being platonic friends for a while so you can properly sort these emotions out for yourself. You are getting tugged every which way here and she should respect that you need time to think without all of the pressure. How she acts while you are part may also help be an indicator. If she was willing to work things through then and truly wanted only you then she won't use the break as an excuse to go pony riding.

Sure tell her her she can have sex with him, just make sure to tell her not to come back after.

Even if she doesn't have sex with him, to seriously consider cheating when your only four months into a relationship is a clear sign that it will fail.

I say end it. If she is this eager to have sex with someone else at this point in your relationship, knowing how much it will hurt you, i don't see how she will remain loyal to you if this becomes long term.
Break up with her now and save yourself a lot of heartbreak.

Definitely!! She isn't worth it. If she can sleep with someone else and it not effect her in anyway. She isn't really into the relationship like you are.

I appreciate everyone's advice. As silly as it may sound to you all, I am on the fence. It's easy to say "dump her and move on" when you are talking on the internet and are not with people face to face. I also know it's good to get advice from third parties who can be more objective.

I think she is genuine in wanting to make it work. I know she has the ability to be monogomous because she has done it in past relationships and for several years in her marriage before it fell apart.

I know many of you will probably "flame" me for this but I am on the fence. It's harder when you're the person dealing with the situation and not giving advice online.

I don't want to sound ungrateful though, I have read a lot of good advice here.
It is easy face to face as well when you have been through it yourself and didn't do that at the time, and learned the serious heartache and stress that will result from experience... I have. This is why I say, run, don't walk away. I've been there before.

I'm not just dishing out the advice... I've lived it as well.

If you don't follow it, you will waste a good portion of your life... suffer unknown amounts of stress... and this will far excede the small amount of separation anxiety you will have to deal with in any breakup.

I appreciate everyone's advice. As silly as it may sound to you all, I am on the fence. It's easy to say "dump her and move on" when you are talking on the internet and are not with people face to face. I also know it's good to get advice from third parties who can be more objective.

I think she is genuine in wanting to make it work. I know she has the ability to be monogomous because she has done it in past relationships and for several years in her marriage before it fell apart.

I know many of you will probably "flame" me for this but I am on the fence. It's harder when you're the person dealing with the situation and not giving advice online.

I don't want to sound ungrateful though, I have read a lot of good advice here.

I see where you are coming from, but this isn't true. You just need a sense of pride, and realize she isn't right for you. Ignore every reason you like her, and think about everything you can that you dislike (focusing on this issue).
Trust me, I've been cheated on by a girl I thought I "loved" and that works, makes it easy to do it.

Good Luck! I know it's hard, but I also know you can do it.

I appreciate everyone's advice. As silly as it may sound to you all, I am on the fence. It's easy to say "dump her and move on" when you are talking on the internet and are not with people face to face. I also know it's good to get advice from third parties who can be more objective.

I think she is genuine in wanting to make it work. I know she has the ability to be monogomous because she has done it in past relationships and for several years in her marriage before it fell apart.

I know many of you will probably "flame" me for this but I am on the fence. It's harder when you're the person dealing with the situation and not giving advice online.

I don't want to sound ungrateful though, I have read a lot of good advice here.

I'd like to approach this with a little more optimism than I have seen in other posts.

I am polyamorous, and have been for several decades. It is possible that she can be monogomous. I don't think this is the best way for her to begin to show that. Just like there are a great many people who are incapable of being poly, there are equally as many that are not capable of being monogomous.

My advice would be to let her know that you are not poly, and are not comfortable with that lifestyle. Let her know that the idea of her being with another man hurts you. Jealousy is a completely reasonable emotion, but one that can destroy even the most faithful of relationships.

Also, bare in mind that you two have been together for four months. As serious as you might feel about her, you are still in the stage of discovery. She is being honest with you. So now, you need to be honest with her. There is a good chance that this will mean the end of this relationship, but that is what relationships are about. This is obviously something that you are not comfortable compromising about, and you shouldn't force yourself to. She should not force herself to give up part of her personality that defines her as a person. Incompatibility doesn't make either of you a bad person, just incompatible.

Hopefully this turns out for the better.

After four months, you are finding out that the intensity is unequal. If you can change from "boyfriend" to "steady piece" then she can change from "girlfriend" to "friend with benefits". That's about the only positive future you have given us reason to foresee.

I think it's great that this girl is telling you before hand. At least she is showing some kind of respect. She's actually asking you to accept her lifestyle/choices and be okay with it. You'd be silly to accept her ways and not be able to live with it. I don't know who would put themselves through the heart-ache.

You could either accept her decisions and lifestyle that she chooses, or consider that you may have crossed paths at the wrong time.

If you accept her lifestyle now and you're not entirely happy with it, you're only going to get hurt. Why would you do it to yourself and let another opportunity pass you by where you will be truly happy.

Could you imagine how she'd react if you were to have casual sex with another female? Maybe an open relationship is what she wants.

You will end up raising his children if you marry her. If you marry a woman and she has a child by another man, then it is still considered your child unless you divorce her before she has the baby. If later on, she leaves you, then you will be stuck with child support.

Hell, she could make you the legal father, divorce you, go marry the other guy, and have you support their kids until they are out of college. If she moves out of state, forget about ever getting to see those kids too.

You did notice this post was from August 2009? And in 4 years they had only 7 posts.