I met my fiancé "charles" on match.com almost 4 years ago. We met face to face and that was it, we became inseparable. We moved in together roughly 6 months after starting to date, the following year we purchased a home and the year after that we got engaged while on vacation in Jamaica. We have been engaged for over a year now and our wedding is supposed to be in 9 months.
When we first started dating I was aware of his limited sexual experience, 1 serious girlfriend, lost his virginity at 18, she eventually cheated on him, they broke up and he had 2 one night stands after that. When he had met me he hadn't been intimate in almost a year with anyone.
At first we had sex everyday, and it was great. Then we became used to each other and we would have sex 3-4 times a week. Our only sexual issue was his performance time, I wouldn't care, except he never meets my needs once his are met so I started using a vibrator every time we had sex so I could be sure to orgasm first.
In some serious conversations we have had regarding sexuality etc he has confessed to always wanting anal sex, that he has experimented while masturbating by putting things in his butt like bottles and popcicles and I was very disturbed by this. He claimed it was normal behavior and that I am uptight. He doesn't fit the sterotype of gay males at all, but I don't think that means a thing.
He has asked me repeatedly for anal sex, finally after getting drunk I agreed and haven't done it since because it was painful and did not arouse me at all. He hounds me to have threesomes with a man or a woman to both I say no, that I should be enough and I don't want to share my partner. He says it is something he feels he needs... whatever.
A year ago our sex life became practically non-existent we would go sometimes 2 weeks without sex, I am 26 and he is 28, not normal. I felt I pursued him and frequently got rejected but he blamed me saying I was always tired and went to bed to early and that my schedule always made it planned. My response was if we are comfortable together planning it shouldn't be a problem. I lost my job last October and I thought now being on his schedule things would change, they didn't.
I have tried to talk to him several times and he either won't discuss our lack of intimacy or he blames me saying having sex in the bed and shower is too boring and that he always asks me to put things in his butt, like fingers etc and never will. Even though I regularly initiate sex and he turns me down. I have tried getting in shape, wearing lingerie etc nothing works. He admits to severe depression and suicidal thoughts but when I say he needs to change for himself before he ends up alone he doesn't, he even says he will try therapy but never follows through.
3 months ago I became desperate because this has taken a toll on myself esteem and I started to spy on his internet usage. I have never snooped on anyone in my life but after repeated attempts at communication I didn't know what else to do. I found he looks at porn A LOT and 2 weeks ago I went back to work and it is like an obsession. Morning and afternoon on his break and at night when I go to bed. The porn he watches is either degrading, women having men ejaculate on their faces or getting abused or its up close images of anal sex or vaginal penetration. I have been waiting to confront him over this. I was waiting for the right time and even went back to my hometown one night to confide in my best girlfriend over what to do.
I was crushed that my fiancé would rather masturbate in the basement than have sex with me. Especially when I go to bed around midnight and then I find a youporn log for 12:10am... he doesn't even wait. He doesn't cuddle with me, he isn't affectionate in public, we don't make out or hardly kiss with tongue. I feel like I share a bed with my best friend not my lover.
3 days ago I got this feeling at work that I should snoop in his email.
I got home and found in his trash an email sent to a craigslist personal the night I was visiting my best friend discussing the porn issue. It was to a man. It said "I am a bi-curious, 28 year old male, approx 200lb and 5'10 looking to , I have never done this before, I am about to be married, my girl is out of town for tonight only".
I confronted him when he got home and somehow I got blamed for everything. I asked him if he has solicited sex from men online before and he said yes. But he has never gone through with it. He said after he sent the email he was ashamed and he then masturbated to straight porn. I asked him if he was gay, he said no. I explained all my intimacy issues to him again, he didn't seem to care as much as I thought he would. But said I drove him away by being unemployed (which wasn't my fault) and I feel it is a lame excuse for something bigger. He was angry at first then started crying and told me again about being suicidal and depressed and hating his life and knowing that I am perfect but he finds fault in everything I do. I am completely crushed by this. He agreed again to go to counseling, saying we will be fine and our lives will be perfect but I don't believe it at all. I don't think I can get over this even though I want to. I just keep thinking about how easy it was for him to send that email out the night I was gone and potentially jeopardize my health and our life. His family is republican and homophobic and I am liberal and excepting of all people. He said he feels rejected by everyone in his life but me. I feel sad, ugly and embarrassed by all of this. It was been 3 days since our talk and its like nothing even happened. I need advice on the next step I am to take, I am lost. I would seek counseling myself, but I am uninsured for 2 more months and really can't afford it. I don't know whether he really is a repressed homosexual or just depressed and seeking thrills any way he can get them. Please help.

Think twice about marrying him! I don't think he is ready to admit it. Bigger problem is he wants to risk your health by having anal sex with strange men.

Do you want to spend your life with this man. I would run and now!

There is a lot going on here. A lot. He has some tendancies towards men, but he also is in denial, and denying his own sexual issues.
What needs to happen is he needs to go to the doctor over the depression, and suicidial problems. That is a huge issue.
Next, you need to be able to sit down and ask him what his sexual needs really are, with men and women. He has sex, and looks at vaginal porn, so he IS attracted to women. But, he wants to be with a guy. So he is probably bi-sexual.
Then, after the talk, you need to decide what is best for you. Can you live with his sexuality? Is it time to move on? This could be helped by some couselling, but it will be up to you all.
Good luck.

A guy doesn't just wake up one day and decided he wants anal done to him .
There's something from his past that he tried to run away from by being with you ,and now its resurfacing.your health is at risk here.he may not have gone through with the craigslist thing but he wanted too and that's enough.

I wouldn't say he is gay but he DOES have sexual issues. You need to get out of the relationship because he will never be the monogomous one woman type guy that is content with the average married sex life.
You will never be able to trust him.
You need to find a relationship that is more appropriate for you.

I have a homosexual son who has lived with me off and on for the last 35 years. He always has a female best friend (he always refers to other gays' female friends as fag hags). Your fiancé does not sound like a straight out gay and, FYI, anal sex is popular with non-gays. Your fiancé sounds like he trusts you with his intimate fantasies which is a good thing. However, his reliance on porn to achieve orgasm sounds like a problem for you. If he has been a shy guy all his life (is he over-weight?), he has probably been masturbating to porn for years. This can give an otherwise normal man a skewed idea of "normal" marital sex, which to some men is very boring. How much do you love him? Are you willing to share your own sexual fantasies with him? If so, take the lead and schedule pre-marital counseling (a rabbi, a priest, a pastor would be free since you have no insurance). If not kick him to the curb. This action may cause him to discover the reality of losing you; he may realize he truly loves you or he may discover it's a relief to put an end to all the nagging. I am 58, married twice, single for 20 years, reared two children on my own, and have five awesome grandchildren. I urge you to get some kind of counseling even if he refuses to go. Some sexual acts are just gross to some people (male or female). Who am I to judge what tickles someone else's fancy. I would never recommend spying and sneaking around to find dirt on a person unless he is your enemy. To love someone you must first trust. I hope you find your answers. Just an old granny's thoughts.

He's " bi-curious", can you deal with that? If the answer is no, then get out, and get out fast. Let him boy shop, with a popsicle in his butt, alone. Find a man that will love , respect, and treat you like a lady. Not someone who'd rather whip his willie in the basement while you're upstairs, in the bed, wearing some little something, yearning... No, don't marry this guy, tell him to shove it up his... never mind, that's his problem now. Is he gay? Probably not. But he is hoping for a "hook-up" with a male.

So, maybe this guy is just trying to figure out what it is what he wants, sexually that is. Let him do his exploring on his own.

Good luck to you. The world is full of guys that will treat you right. Meanwhile, you should cancel the cake.

Sorry to hear that your going through this. Either he is gay or has a strange fetish. I would suggest the 2 of you to seek counseling together and he needs counseling as well, before any other steps are taken with him. Good luck.

Wow, there's a lot to address here:


at first we had sex everyday, and it was great. Then we became used to each other and we would have sex 3-4 times a week. Our only sexual issue was his performance time, I wouldn't care, except he never meets my needs once his are met so I started using a vibrator every time we had sex so I could be sure to orgasm first. Try getting him to please you first. Maybe fingering you, or going cunnilingus. Tell him, "your pants don't come off until I'm ready for them! ;)" He'll get it soon enough. Make it about you sometime.

In some serious conversations we have had regarding sexuality etc he has confessed to always wanting anal sex, that he has experimented while masturbating by putting things in his butt like bottles and popcicles and I was very disturbed by this. He claimed it was normal behavior and that I am uptight. He doesn't fit the sterotype of gay males at all, but I don't think that means a thing. No, a stereotype is just that, a false generalization of a group of people. That being said, this doesn't necessarilly mean he is gay. Some straight guys actually experiment with these things. Never done it myself (I think it's discusting) but apparently, somewhere on a male's prostate (or something) there is a really sensitive spot...

He has asked me repeatedly for anal sex, finally after getting drunk I agreed and haven't done it since because it was painful and did not arouse me at all. I don't blame you, discusting and I always imagined it to be painful, but some men also like that tighter feeling around their penis...
he hounds me to have threesomes with a man or a woman to both I say no, that I should be enough and I don't want to share my partner. He says it is something he feels he needs... whatever.This points more to bisexuality than homosexuality.

... saying having sex in the bed and shower is too boring and... I have tried getting in shape, wearing lingerie etc... 3 months ago I became desperate because this has taken a toll on myself esteem and I started to spy on his internet usage... I found he looks at porn A LOT That's what sounds like the problem to me. Pornography warps minds, and when someone spends too much time viewing it, they begin to believe it is normal. Then, what actually is normal doesn't fit their warped view of a sex life, and it "deprives" them, so to speak, of what they feel they need.
the porn he watches is either degrading, women having men ejaculate on their faces or getting abused or its up close images of anal sex or vaginal penetrationIn case you didn't know, almost all porn nowadays is degrading. What you are describing is actually nowhere near that bad in today's pornography.

[He] said "I am a bi-curious, 28 year old male, approx 200lb and 5'10 looking to [have sex], I have never done this before, I am about to be married, my girl is out of town for tonight only".
Sounds to me like he is bisexual, or "bi-curious" as he put it. He may have bisexual tendencies, or just wants to experiment, his warped view of a sex life going over you.
he agreed again to go to counselingThat's a good sign, at least he is willing to work with you on it. You just need to make here he sticks to his promises, if you stay with him.
I don't know whether he really is a repressed homosexual or just depressed and seeking thrills any way he can get them. Please help.
I would have to say it's more of the latter. However, I would also say that it is not so much the depression as much as the warped mindset he has as to what a typical sex life should be.


First off, you need to be careful with him. If he is willing to experiment with others, who knows if he will get, or has, any STD's. If you are going to pursue this, get him tested, for his health, and more importantly, yours.
You need to get him away from the porn. Obviously he is letting it take presedence over his sex life, and that is never good. Try installing a porn blocker on his computer, see what happens. Instead of letting him get away with it, confront him about it. Tell him "I'll make you happy, you don't need that smut!" I'm not saying do anything he wants, but compromise. The longer he stays with the porn, the worse it will get. The quicker you get him away from it, the less difficult it will be to fix.

Finally, whatever his issues are, he may not be willing to settle down with one partner yet. You fueled his sexual desires by having sex with him every day, and now that he has found more... "appetizing"... alternatives, you can't satisfy him. Sorry to say; you didn't cause his problems, you just enlarged them. If he can't handle one partner, or you can't handle his sexual tendencies, you need to split.

Thanks for all of the opinions. I appreciate it. I guess I know I can't marry him as is but it just breaks my heart. I have always been open and honest about my needs and fantasies but I guess I probably am just boring. I am sure there is someone out there who does treat women with respect and honesty, I just hope I can meet that person someday. This man has done a number on myself perception. And yes he is shy and overweight, I encourage him to take our dogs running with me, go hiking, hit the gym and get out to meet people but its useless. I end up doing all of those things alone. I should just get use to that and get some moving boxes.

thanks for all of the opinions. I appreciate it. I guess I know I can't marry him as is but it just breaks my heart. I have always been open and honest about my needs and fantasies but I guess I probably am just boring. I am sure there is someone out there who does treat women with respect and honesty, I just hope I can meet that person someday. This man has done a number on my self perception. and yes he is shy and overweight, I encourage him to take our dogs running with me, go hiking, hit the gym and get out to meet people but its useless. I end up doing all of those things alone. I should just get use to that and get some moving boxes.

Your not boring, your normal and he is a bit weird. I know it hurts when something like that has happened, but in time the right one will come along and you'll be glad you moved on :cool:

thanks for all of the opinions. I appreciate it. I guess I know I can't marry him as is but it just breaks my heart. I have always been open and honest about my needs and fantasies but I guess I probably am just boring. I am sure there is someone out there who does treat women with respect and honesty, I just hope I can meet that person someday. This man has done a number on my self perception. and yes he is shy and overweight, I encourage him to take our dogs running with me, go hiking, hit the gym and get out to meet people but its useless. I end up doing all of those things alone. I should just get use to that and get some moving boxes.

Yes, you should pack up and leave. But will you? That's the question. Or are you going to force a square peg into a round hole? Trying to make a sculpture out of pancake batter. You can't make a meaningful relationship out of this mess that he's forced you to try and decipher. Find a man that will enjoy you, cherish you, love you. Not one that has you on a question board playing Nancy Drew with his sexuality.

Oh yeah, don't accept responsibility nor blame for this.

Please don't marry this person. That's the best advice I can give you.

I can't say what his problem is... but I think he has several. You are probibly doing yourself a favor if you move on and let him figure out what he is after in life.

Its very hard to walk away from something you have invested so much time and energy into,you have exhausted your attempts at trying to help him with little or no positive results from him .
Hes going backwards so its time for you to look ahead and leave this baggage behind.

If you are open to it I would suggest allowing him to live out his sexual fantasies. I don't mean giving into a threesome or telling him it's OK to hook up with someone else. Try buying a strap-on or buttplug to use on him. They make strap-ons that also penetrate the wearer, so you'll be getting what you need at the same time. He can wear a buttplug while he's with you without it interfering. The male g-spot is only accessible through the anus, so it's not an entirely uncommon desire in men, straight or gay.

His emotional issues need to be addressed professionally. He needs to get counseling. His insurance might cover couples therapy. Even if it doesn't he should seek personal help. Offer to go with him and sit in the waiting room while he's in session.