Hy my name is Jackie... my son Anthony is always back talking and acting like a 4 yr old... is this normal... he's always saying where treating him like a 4yr old and I relpy to this by saying he's acting like a 4yr old... so if he back talks me I threatin him but he retaliates and then him and his father get into it and then they start to fight... no punches are thrown but a lot of yelling happens... once he said pissed in front of me so I grounded him for 2 weeks and he keeps running his mouth... so I send him to his room... am I treating him like he's 4 or is this what most parents would do if there 16yr old son back talks them and shows hardly any respect... because he never shows me any respect I stand up and don't respect him then he starts running his mouth saying I'm not treating him like a 16 yr old but in realty I don't think I am because he never respects me... please help... thanx

Thanks in advance,
Jackie

Hi Jackie, I have a 16 year old son who will be 17 in November. Yes, they do talk back! And this is the second one I've went through. My oldest son is now 28. I think that in this day and age it kind of comes with the territory. How old are you Jackie? I'm 46. I try to give my 16 year old some privacy, some slack but at the same time I tell him I expect certain things from him also. I expect him to tell me where he is going and who he is with, or, I will embarrass him in front of his friends. (And I have). If he would (and does sometimes) lie to me, when I find out I ask him for what reason he had to lie because that just got him into trouble. If he would just tell me to begin with what's going on, I will not get pissed - I will talk to him like an adult. I try not to go backwards when talking to him, ie: saying that he is acting like a child because he will be an adult no matter what I think before to long and I want him to make the right decisions. Also I try to keep things calm. All that yelling is not good for you or your husband, either. Try (and I know this is hard), but try to give him the benefit of the doubt, try not to accuse and try to just talk about things. I know my son likes to talk - when he's ready. Sometimes he just don't want to talk about things, but then when he does, I try to just listen. Its hard, but I bite my tongue and do it. And then I will offer advice if he wants it. I must be doing something right with this one because he gets on honor roll every semester. So all I can say is good luck, hope everything works out for you and your family.

Hey thanks momwolfie, I'm 42... this is my only child and I feel that he wants to be away from me at all times... he tells me where he's going and although I know he tries, he doesn't always get the grades I want him too... he averages a high C low B but when I ask him why he got what he did he said the teacher won't help him... so I scheduled a meeting w/ her and she seems nice but doesn't seem to help him the way he needs help... but yeah that's kind of off topic... my son and I just got in another argument because there's this church thing everyother Friday and he really wanted to go but I grounded him for 2 weeks so he back talked me again and I extended the grounding for 3 weeks... but just a question... is it right to ground a 16 yr old?. he says I'm one of the worst parents cause I won't talk to him... but every time I talk to him he refuses to answer cause he knows ill yell at him... he knows I loose my temper easily but it seems I'm always yelling... well is it right to ground him?

Jackie, I too am 42. I have 4 children, 20, 18, 13 and 4.

You should understand that at age 16 they DO want to be away from you. They are learning to spread their wings so to speak. It's hard to let go, I know, I just had to let the 2 oldest boys off to boot camp. But they have to learn to be indepenent.

About his grades, have you tried a tutor? I am a full time college student and I live by having tutors in certain courses and being a tutor for courses I am good at.

About the grounding. Have you always used that as a punishment? I believe after a while that the shock value wears off. You need many forms of discipline to be an effective parent. Have you tried taking away privileges? There are many ways to deal with teens, however, you must remain consistent.

Why do you yell? Yelling is not effective and can cause low self esteem in children. I wonder if you feel you must yell to make yourself heard? What is the purpose of yelling, it really gets nothing done, only makes enemies out of friends.

16 is a hard time for any person. Many conflicts going on, at home, at school, peer pressure, and then all of the yelling and grounding to add to the typical teenage hormones.

I have to agree with your answer from Momwolfie, you need to try to keep things calm. It is not good for anyone in the household to be in upheaval all the time.

I know this is hard. I have been through it twice and am about to go through it again. But you can do this. You just need a little help right now to get through the rough patches.

Hi again Jackie. I read what you had to say and what the other person had to say. As far as him talking to you, try and tell him that when he wants to talk, you will listen. Now I mean you have got to listen. And don't "butt" in, and, don't yell afterwards. But let him come to you. Don't press. I have this thing on my frigerator - written on one of those magnetized boards - it says, "Speak without offending, Listen without defending". These are the hardest rules to live by, but, I try. And I try to make everyone in my house live by them too. The grounding thing, I don't think its working - to be honest with you Jackie. Is this "Church event" a positive thing to do? Because if it is, I would let him go. Specially if he does truly want to go. Any thing that would have to do with the church and my son wanted to go, I would definitely let him go. Try telling him you will let him go (totally up to you), but he should try and talk to you about some things before this event, but again, let him decide when he needs to tell you, and let him start the conversation. Try not to ask too many questions. I know myself that if I start asking too much, my son backs right off. I have tried to just chalk this up as him trying to be independent. And then try to live by the above rules. Write them down somewhere where you and your family can see them constantly. Maybe if you try giving the respect first, you will in return start getting some back. And we all deserve respect from our children. Now I'm no shrink or anything, just a mom who has lived through this stuff once, and, is living the experience right along with you, only difference is its my second time through (and just to add, my 2 boys are 11 years apart), just thought you should know. I hope everything starts working out for you and your family, Jackie. I'm pulling for you!;)

My mother made this statement to me... you will never understand what we are saying until you become parent... and thrust this you will never tolerate this behavior from your child that you love and are responsible for(paraphrasing)... if your child wants to be treated like an adult.. start holding your child responsible for the care and keeping of himself/herself in your house... listen to the next words that will come out his/her mouth I bet it will be.. I am still a child... then you say the rules are this... you need to pay percentage of the bills.. and we are not a charity service... get a job... this young person is old enough to work... part-time... make this young adult pay rent and part of the utilities and if you wash his clothing charge him/her... for you are no longer a multi-purpose cleaning service... rules are rules... tough love is goiing to be necessary in ths case... especially when your seed is yelling back at you...

Taking away privileges is reasonable if he insists on back-talking you. After all, any mature, reasonable person would be able to discuss conflict without resorting to back-talking and arguing. If this is how he handles disagreements, then yes he is in fact immature and irresponsible. Now, I'm not sure that grounding him for two weeks just for saying the word "pissed" was reasonable (unless there's more to it.) It sounds like counseling may do him some good. You might want to consider looking into it.

hey thanx momwolfie, im 42... this is my only child and i feel that he wants to be away from me at all times.... he tells me where he's going and although i know he trys, he doesnt always get the grades i want him too......he averages a high C low B but when i ask him y he got what he did he said the teacher wont help him....so i scheduled a meeting w/ her and she seems nice but doesnt seem to help him the way he needs help.... but yeah thats kinda off topic..... my son and i just got in another arguement because theres this church thing everyother friday and he really wanted to go but i grounded him for 2 weeks so he back talked me again and i extended the grounding for 3 weeks....but just a question.....is it right to ground a 16 yr old???.... he says im one of the worst parents cause i wont talk to him...but everytime i talk to him he refuses to answer cause he knows ill yell at him...he knows i loose my temper easily but it seems im always yelling....well is it right to ground him?

I wonder if maybe your expectations are a little unrealistic. There's nothing wrong with a high C/low B average. Not every kid is going to always get high grades in school and nobody should be expected to. How many other students does his teacher have in class? The point is, it isn't realistic to expect the teacher to constantly be with him one-on-one until he has it down to perfection ; what about the other students in the class? If he's maintaining a high C/low B average then I think he's mastering it adequately so that he doesn't need extra help from the teacher. I stick to my original position that you should not tolerate backtalk or disrespect from him and there should be consequences when he does but be sure that you're picking and choosing your battles wisely. If you're being an overbearing parent then yes, he's going to resent that and that's going to be a source of conflict.

Hello, I am 16 years old myself, slap him senseless. He will not really take you seriously until you really show him you mean business. Taking rights from him don't do jack. He knows he will always get them back. He might be mad about it, but it doesn't really do anything. When you really let him have it, he knows you mean business. Soon he will learn, just as all animals do. He being 16 yrs. Old can take a hit. Don't hurt him, but the meaning behind it will really take affect.