kochi
Jul 30, 2009, 03:10 PM
I wanted to share with people my story, hopefully it would give people some parallels to their and hopefully I can get some perspective from other men.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/will-she-come-back-186700.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/funny-thing-nc-199686.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-normal-363417-6.html#post1789811
Below is a summary, above links are posts that I had on her starting last year!!
After a bad divorce about 5 years ago (I am 32), this girl comes into my life wanting in a big way to be a part of it. She starts to do all these things that I think to myself, wow.. she was everything I was looking of in a girl. When we first started hanging out, I told her upfront that I was through a divorce and that I did not want to drag her into a mess.
Year one:
After six months of being in a relationship, all these problems started, specifically with sex. All of a sudden 180 turn... so I asked, "how come this was not an issue before?" response = "Well, sex was the only way I could get close to you." "Now that we are together I don't have to try as hard!"
I figure, OK... maybe she has a point! I always got the your "just like all the other guys, using me for sex, or all you care about is sex, sex sex...." It would get to a point, where if we were in bed, If I touched her or tried to make a move, she would get really upset and say "If you want it just ask!"
Year Two:
All her sexual issues now started to somehow become my fault.. something I was doing. We sort of shifted between staying at her condo and my house(own my home.) At this point she was going back to school so she did not have much money, so naturally I paid for everything, which was always hard, since I could barely afford to keep my house, and maintain now a lifestyle for two people. I know had two jobs. I would rather work hard then loose what I have worked hard for in my life (my home.)
She sold her condo, and she moved into the house. It was a disaster. She had a lot of animals, cats, (which I knew gong in), but she kept and cleaned really well, so it was not really an issue. All cats and the sexual issues really became a problem. There was a lot of tension, and the issues with intimacy, and the cats (particularily one) Pooping all over the house was really an issue. I was always tense and worked up, between having to work so hard and being frustrated all the time. It was a bad move and one day I came home and she was gone!
Year three
I called her up and we talked and figured that moving in was not a good idea. We went back to being together, and decided that the house was too small for many animals and so on. It worked out.
After a couple months we, or I snapped and broke up with her.. Two days later, I called her up and told her that I was sorry, I loved her, and it was my fault, would like to work things out. She said NO!! That she still loved me and that was not going to change. I figured as long as she loved me, that was all that mattered. She kept saying that she loved me but need to move out on her own, pay for her own way as it was something she had never done. I was adamant to get her back, so for six months, I was convinced she was the one. I bought a new house, bigger, for the animals,one that my xwife (that caused issues) and I had not lived in. Got rid of every single piece of thing I had and bought new stuff.
year 4:
SO she ended up moving in together in this new house, new start. I had enough for us to decorate and buy new things and start over. She was the one I was going spend my life with. We talked about all the things that where wrong in the last episode, specifically me "pressuring" her about sex all the time. That she would be okay with "giving" it if I was not pressuring her.
First three months were great, we decorated, sex was never an issue, when she wanted to give it she did and I never asked.
4months into it all the issues started over again. There was always something wrong. She was always groggy or in a bad mood cause her birth control was messing with her body. Then it was her deviated septum, Then it was the sex thing. Basically by this time she had told me that sex hurt and that it never felt good. She was only doing it for me. She was a few months after, told by a gyno, that she had a condition called Vulvodynia, which is the equivalent of getting kicked in the nads. It hurts, really hurts. SO I says, OK, we will get on forums, go see the gyno together, figure out what to do. Her only response was, that I was doing it to get more sex. SO I let it go. I told her this sex thing was an issue, so what would she like to do about it. She said, that if you want it just ask, my quota was three times a week, that I could ask three times a week, whenever and I would get it.
This usually meant, no kissing, no touching, just hurry. It was horrible. But if she was comfortable with it, than that was OK. I was supposd to ask at dinner time, and let her know in advance that I would want sex later that night. Long story, short, she ended up resenting me for making her "submit" to having sex. "I have a problem with sex in general, but I hate it with you."
She finally graduated and go a job, that she loved doing. Which was great.
In the mean time her animals, were puking or peeing eversingle day in thouse, and that made me very frustrated, being in new house. I never had a problem the animals, I loved the, just the peeing, and we were not doing anything about it.
A month ago, she basically left. Said that she did not like coming home, best part of her day was being at work, and that she did not ever like being around me. She left, moved all her things out in one night, left me notes all over the house saying "I love you, babe!"
Now you can imagine my shock, for 3 years I ran after her. Im sure I did things wrong, but I tried to do a lot of right. Even when we lived together most recently, I worked 60 hours so we could have whatever we wanted. I put her first, her family, anything she wanted, I never said no. I cooked dinners, always asked where or what she wanted to do. Never said no to anything. In the end its all my fault now...
I am pretty gutted, as I really loved and cared for her. I gave and gave and gave till there was nothing of me left. I sit here, totally lost, do not even know who the person in the mirror is, not sure what I even like doing anymore. Somehow, again, this is still my fault.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/will-she-come-back-186700.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/funny-thing-nc-199686.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-normal-363417-6.html#post1789811
Below is a summary, above links are posts that I had on her starting last year!!
After a bad divorce about 5 years ago (I am 32), this girl comes into my life wanting in a big way to be a part of it. She starts to do all these things that I think to myself, wow.. she was everything I was looking of in a girl. When we first started hanging out, I told her upfront that I was through a divorce and that I did not want to drag her into a mess.
Year one:
After six months of being in a relationship, all these problems started, specifically with sex. All of a sudden 180 turn... so I asked, "how come this was not an issue before?" response = "Well, sex was the only way I could get close to you." "Now that we are together I don't have to try as hard!"
I figure, OK... maybe she has a point! I always got the your "just like all the other guys, using me for sex, or all you care about is sex, sex sex...." It would get to a point, where if we were in bed, If I touched her or tried to make a move, she would get really upset and say "If you want it just ask!"
Year Two:
All her sexual issues now started to somehow become my fault.. something I was doing. We sort of shifted between staying at her condo and my house(own my home.) At this point she was going back to school so she did not have much money, so naturally I paid for everything, which was always hard, since I could barely afford to keep my house, and maintain now a lifestyle for two people. I know had two jobs. I would rather work hard then loose what I have worked hard for in my life (my home.)
She sold her condo, and she moved into the house. It was a disaster. She had a lot of animals, cats, (which I knew gong in), but she kept and cleaned really well, so it was not really an issue. All cats and the sexual issues really became a problem. There was a lot of tension, and the issues with intimacy, and the cats (particularily one) Pooping all over the house was really an issue. I was always tense and worked up, between having to work so hard and being frustrated all the time. It was a bad move and one day I came home and she was gone!
Year three
I called her up and we talked and figured that moving in was not a good idea. We went back to being together, and decided that the house was too small for many animals and so on. It worked out.
After a couple months we, or I snapped and broke up with her.. Two days later, I called her up and told her that I was sorry, I loved her, and it was my fault, would like to work things out. She said NO!! That she still loved me and that was not going to change. I figured as long as she loved me, that was all that mattered. She kept saying that she loved me but need to move out on her own, pay for her own way as it was something she had never done. I was adamant to get her back, so for six months, I was convinced she was the one. I bought a new house, bigger, for the animals,one that my xwife (that caused issues) and I had not lived in. Got rid of every single piece of thing I had and bought new stuff.
year 4:
SO she ended up moving in together in this new house, new start. I had enough for us to decorate and buy new things and start over. She was the one I was going spend my life with. We talked about all the things that where wrong in the last episode, specifically me "pressuring" her about sex all the time. That she would be okay with "giving" it if I was not pressuring her.
First three months were great, we decorated, sex was never an issue, when she wanted to give it she did and I never asked.
4months into it all the issues started over again. There was always something wrong. She was always groggy or in a bad mood cause her birth control was messing with her body. Then it was her deviated septum, Then it was the sex thing. Basically by this time she had told me that sex hurt and that it never felt good. She was only doing it for me. She was a few months after, told by a gyno, that she had a condition called Vulvodynia, which is the equivalent of getting kicked in the nads. It hurts, really hurts. SO I says, OK, we will get on forums, go see the gyno together, figure out what to do. Her only response was, that I was doing it to get more sex. SO I let it go. I told her this sex thing was an issue, so what would she like to do about it. She said, that if you want it just ask, my quota was three times a week, that I could ask three times a week, whenever and I would get it.
This usually meant, no kissing, no touching, just hurry. It was horrible. But if she was comfortable with it, than that was OK. I was supposd to ask at dinner time, and let her know in advance that I would want sex later that night. Long story, short, she ended up resenting me for making her "submit" to having sex. "I have a problem with sex in general, but I hate it with you."
She finally graduated and go a job, that she loved doing. Which was great.
In the mean time her animals, were puking or peeing eversingle day in thouse, and that made me very frustrated, being in new house. I never had a problem the animals, I loved the, just the peeing, and we were not doing anything about it.
A month ago, she basically left. Said that she did not like coming home, best part of her day was being at work, and that she did not ever like being around me. She left, moved all her things out in one night, left me notes all over the house saying "I love you, babe!"
Now you can imagine my shock, for 3 years I ran after her. Im sure I did things wrong, but I tried to do a lot of right. Even when we lived together most recently, I worked 60 hours so we could have whatever we wanted. I put her first, her family, anything she wanted, I never said no. I cooked dinners, always asked where or what she wanted to do. Never said no to anything. In the end its all my fault now...
I am pretty gutted, as I really loved and cared for her. I gave and gave and gave till there was nothing of me left. I sit here, totally lost, do not even know who the person in the mirror is, not sure what I even like doing anymore. Somehow, again, this is still my fault.