I am a member of a local mommys group online, we get together with our kids, do mom nights out without the kids, etc. I have met almost all of the ladies on this webiste message board in person, and I like all of them, and they seem to like me.

I babysit for one of them, and she was telling me to be careful because she was told by someone (she didn't tell me who and I respect that) has told her that she should find a new babysitter because of something I said that made her worry.

Now. I admit, my parenting style may not be the same as everyone else's. But I ALWAYS respect the parent I am babysitting for. I always use HER parenting style with her kids. And while difficult to use 3 different parenting skills at once (my daughter, my neighbor, and this lady) it has yet to cause me any trouble.

I'm hurt and confused, and most of all, curious to know what I said or did to make this person, whom ever she is, think that something was wrong with me...

I'm not sure how to deal with this :( has anyone delt with this before? Any advise? I really don't feel comfratable posting a public message about it, if I knew who it was I woud PM her about it. But I don't know.

Were you sharing with any of them about the girl you baby sat for on your other post?
Maybe they are afraid of how things went with that or something?
I would tell who ever told you that it would be nice to know what the complaint was in regards to so that you can make improvements on any problems that anybody has with you.

I know I hate that when somebody says something was said but they refuse to say who or what.

Thanks nohelp that's a great idea. Ill try that.

Yeah it would be nice if we could all just be honest with each other. I have no problem telling someone when something bothers me, and I really have no problem when someone is bothered by me. I WANT to know.

Jennie, I have to ask, who takes care of the kids while you're online? Do you have a helper?

Maybe that was this mothers concern, you are online most of the day. I come and go because of my kids and they're usually outside all day, still I have to make breakfast, lunch, dinner. I'm online more during the school year because they're at school, during the summer it depends on them.

I just can't imagine being online all day while looking after other people's children.

I guess I'm not getting an answer to my question. :(

J_9 agrees: That's a very good question. I have some other questions I would like to ask as well, but not sure how to go about it.

I would say, just ask. :)

You are very open about being bipolar.
You are very open about the concerns you have with your daughter having Aspergers (?) and ADHD.
You have stated that your husband has a mild retardation.
You have almost 175 questions on AMHD because you have a question about everything going on in your life, most of the time, overdramatized situations.
I am in no way trying to be mean, I know that you mean well, but I wouldn't have you watching my children, you already have more then enough on your plate. In addition to the fact that I don't understand how with so much shaking in your own backyard, like Alty asked, when do you make time for it? Your daughter needs a lot of one on one parental correction to help modify some of the behaviors you are concerned with, you can't give that one on one from behind a computer monitor, let alone while you are trying to watch other children.
I assume that you are on some form of disablity or I may have read that, due to you being bipolar, personally, I feel that minding other people's children, which is by far one of the absolute most crucial jobs there are, has to be even more difficult and require even more care then, say working in fast food. You should be thankful for the additional income as I know it is helping out your household, but do know that these are all things that would have weighed in my mind, if you were babysitting my children.

I would say, just ask. :)

Justy said it all for me so perfectly, almost like she was reading my mind! ;)

I understand everyone's concerns. I'm not on all day. I'm on during the periods that they are either eating breakfast/lunch at the table, taking naps, or playing in aylas room ( in which the 'club rules' are no mommys allowed lol ) and the baby, who is 2 months old, sleeps a lot, despite my attempts to keep her up and playing lol. So I just let her sleep since she seems to be so tired.

It seems like a lot of time, but that's simply cause I type fast and get a lot done.

I completely understand if those are her concerns. And I agree whole heartedly, that I do have a lot on my plate.

I am handling it OK for now, but my neighbor knows that there may come a time that I can't babysit anymore, and the other girl I sit for is only until next week when the boys go back to school. The problem is I NEED the money.

We got turned down for food stamps, I can't keep a job because of my bipolar, SSD turned me down, they didn't give me a reason, and I'm in the process of reapplying.
Baby sitting is the ONLY thing I can do without my bipolar making me depressed (which is what happens when I have an out of the house 9-5 job) I LOVE doing this work. I never have any bipolar symptoms when I am caring for children. It makes me so amazingly happy and calm to know that I am caring for children.

Sorry I'm rambling. I know I have a lot of issues, and if they did cause problems for my babysitting, I wouldn't be doing it anymore. But its not causing any problems. The kids are happy and love me to death.

And I continued to ramble. Sorry. Ill stop. :o

Jennie, I think we're just throwing out ideas here. Everyone that's responded is a mom so we all know the demands that children bring.

None of us can say for sure what that other parent's concerns may be but we can only speculate based on our parenting experience and based on what you've posted on this site.

I echo what the others have said so far that I'd be concerned and wouldn't be comfortable with someone watching my child who wasn't really 'watching' him.

I get online from time to time during the day when I have a little downtime at work. However, I don't have the whole day to play around here because well, I'm being paid to do a job. When I get home my time is limited because I'm caring for my child. He's busy and I need to keep an eye on him plus I have to do dinner, bath, bed. My child goes to bed very early so my evenings are mostly free. And even then I don't have as much time as I'd like because I have other responsibilities.

You may be a great person but the person that I trust to care for my child while I'm away had better show me that they are fully capable and competent to do the job. Maybe this parent is concerned that as mentioned, you've got too much going on to give their child the attention they deserve. Just a theory.

Plus, you allow them to play in your daughter's room unsupervised?

Jenni, you may have to accept that you will never find out what was said and why - and that in fact in may be counterproductive to go seeking answers. Who knows? Someone may have said something about your Bi Polar, your child's ADHD or your husband's mild retardation. From an outsider's point of view they would all be things that might cause concern or alarm.

Having said all that I can see from your posts that you're reasonably self aware and you have the capacity for self reflection. In my life, when these types of things happen I see them as a sign. What is this telling me about myself and my situation? - is the question that I would ask.

Someone has concerns about your capacity to babysit - the concern may not be justified, but that is not the issue. The issue is that a red flag has been raised about an area of your life, which you are now being asked to consider.

Are you doing too much?
Do you dedicating enough time to the area of your life that brings you income?
Are you too open with your babysitting clients about your life and its many issues?

If babysitting is what supplements your income then treat it like a business and behave in a professional manner. Ensure that it is your priority, not something you do when you're not on AMHD...


I'm on during the periods that they are either eating breakfast/lunch at the table, taking naps, or playing in aylas room


I would suggest that there is no point worrying about what was said - that's out of your control. What is within your control is to understand that this is a red flag and that you may need to make adjustments in your approach to the activity that earns you money.

If that means less time on AMHD, so be it.

Jennie,

You are on a lot, heck, you have over 1600 posts (not including the posts on the chat areas) in 2 months, that's a lot, it's been mentioned before, and I have to wonder how you are caring for these kids while being on AMHD and another site (the one you mentioned in your post) .

Most of you notice that my times alter a lot. When hubby is on days I'm mostly on in the evenings, when he's home.

When hubby is on nights I'm on more during the day, when he's home.

I have two kids, both pretty independent and very busy, usually outside playing, but, you'll also notice that even when I'm online when hubby isn't home, I'm sporadic in my posts. I may be signed on, but I'm not at my computer all of the time. That's why I chose to be invisible, because I often just stay signed on but walk away for an hour or so at a time to be with my family.

I used to babysit for friends. Two years back I watched my friends two kids for the summer, the girl was the same age as my daughter and the boy was under 1 year. It was exhausting. She didn't pay me much but she did pay. Those kids were as well cared for as my own.

Breakfast, lunch and a snack, all homemade, wholesome food. I sat with them when they ate, fed the baby, and then they'd help clean up and we'd play.

I only had them with me anywhere from 4 - 8 hours a day and I have to say, by the end of the day I was physically and mentally drained.

Every day when their mom came to pick them up, they were well fed, well cared for, had a craft that we had done (yes, even the baby :)) and they had stories of all the stuff we did that day.

Caring for children is a hard job. I've had some jobs in the past that most people wouldn't do, but parenting is the hardest. I love it though. My payment is having two happy, healthy, well balanced kids. They're my life. If someone trusts me enough to take their kids in, then those kids become my life too.

I know you need the money, I can understand that, we're strapped for cash at the moment too, it's hard going for a lot of people right now, but... if you decide to do this then you have to do it, not send the kids to nap or play in your daughters room so you can be online.

I'm not saying don't come to AMHD, but wait until the kids you care for are home and your daughter has another parent around to care for her so you can have some down time.

This has been on my mind for a while.

Jennie,I see that you haven't returned and my hope is that you were not offended by anything that was said and are leaving the site.

You have been a help to many people here and no one is suggesting otherwise.

When you ask a question as open ended as the one you did,people are going to respond honestly.We are nothing if not blatantly honest.

I feel safe saying that no one here wants you to leave.

Please do not feel offended and come back soon.

Just tossing my two cents.

I love kids and kids take to me real quick and many well wishers have suggested baby sitting or a part time job related to kids for me to get involved in.

Here's my number one concern,most parents will not like the way someone else looks after their kids,some will voice these doubts out loud.
And I do not want to have to face that criticism because I know I will most probably take it to heart and feel sad about it even though I knew it would happen.

As others have said you have so many things to consider and on top of that to worry about the children in your care plus what the parents are saying about how you take care of them.

It seems rather overwhelming,but that's just opinion.

I agree with firmbeliever and some of what the others have said
When people know just a little bit about you then you tend to be a bit more open to their criticisms no matter how unfounded they may be. That is one reason I gave up talking to people in (my) 'real' life.

I know that they can make a mountain out of a mole hill and have others believing that without even coming to you for your side.

The more you let them in on YOU the more they think they have the right to go opening their mouth about you.
Also when CYS had my sons they would bring them to my house for home visits sometimes.
I would be finishing up on the computer and shutting it down when they arrived. Twice I kept it on and had them both sitting next to me and I was showing them neat things I had found on the computer like videos on Jibjab and madblast. CYS workers went into court and said that I sat on the computer through ALL the visits and IGNORED my kids.

Even if you are just leaving the computer on and checking it from time to time people assume you are on it so when somebody brings their kids for you to watch and see it on they wonder and then they assume.

If this is the problem they are talking about you may want to work on being on your computer at maybe two or three set times like an hour in the am before babysitting hours and two or three hours in the evening after there are no kids you are babysitting.

Jennie, as others have said, you have too much on your plate right now. You are very open and honest with us here about your "situations" at home with your husband's problems, your bipolar disorder, and the possible upcoming diagnosis of your daughter. If you are open with us... Are you open with these women on the other forum? If so, they may be very cautious.

I am a very discerning parent... picky to say the least. I am not trying to be mean here, but if I had a sitter and that sitter had the home life that you reflect here, I would very seriously consider finding another sitter.

You argue with Isaac after your daughter is in bed, but resentment and anger, although you may not feel it, can be detected by children as well as some adults. I'm not going to mention your time on the internet, as it has already been mentioned.

One of my concerns is the children playing in Ayla's room (mommies not allowed in the club). I would rip my kid out of your house in a heartbeat, and I HAVE done that before. There is no supervision.

When babysitting at home, you must regard your home as if it were a licensed daycare. Supervision at ALL TIMES!!

Hun, I know you need income, but you say you are medicated now. I know people with bipolar disorder, medicated, who live very lucrative lives. My husband included. Don't use bipolar as a reason not to get out into the workforce. It's not a crippling disorder if you have your meds under control.

Take care of you and your family first. I recall a thread you started about your husband being a hypocondriac. Again, I'd pull my child away from that atmosphere, and again, I did.

With 4 children under my belt, no offense to you, I have had some very bad experiences with home daycares, particularly those in apartments.

What would happen if Ayla had a "meltdown" in the club with no mommies allowed and a child was hurt? Those children need every second of your attention. They should never be out of your eyesight.

Yes. I see everyone's point. It's a lot to take in lol that's why I haven't been around. I'm not babysitting today so it's a good day to think about it all.

The lady who told me that one (or some) of the other ladies were concerned, says that she is not concerned and she feels there is nothing wrong and has already invited us to one of the boys birthday party. So that's a good thing. And I only have her boys until next Monday, because they go to school (and after school care at the school) so she won't need me anymore, and I can't stop because she has already paid me (and I already spend the money on school supplies and grocerys lol so I can't return it)

But I think I can do one more week with all of the kids. And I am definitely taking all of your advise seriously. I really am. After the boys are at school and I'm not sitting for them anymore, I will not take any more kids on. It will only be the 2 year old and 2 month old from my neighbor. And ill make sure to not be on the computer during the day unless the 3 of them are taking their naps.

I do see the concern with them in the room. I never considered it simply because that's how my mom was with our friends when we were little, we would all just disappear upstairs to the bedrooms for hours. But I see your point about when I'm watching the kids they all need to be supervised all the time.

Thank you all for being honest with me. *hugs*


Also, I wanted to ask, I thougt that married couples were supposed to do their arguing at night after the kids are asleep. That's what our marriage councelor said, because she said all married couples fight and that its normal, as long as we aren't going to bed angry, arguing in front of the kids, or yelling and hitting each other.

If you guys misunderstood me, we aren't yelling or 'fighting' :P we are talking calmly.

*hugggs* jennie :).

also, i wanted to ask, i thougt that married couples were supposed to do thier arguing at night after the kids are asleep. thats what our marriage councelor said, because she said all married couples fight and that its normal, as long as we arent going to bed angry, arguing in front of the kids, or yelling and hitting eachother.

if you guys misunderstood me, we arent yelling or 'fighting' :P we are talking calmly.

Well there are plenty of ways to keep the children out of the middle of fighting, as it's uncomfortable for them. When you are procrastinating a disagreement, there are tensions that can be felt.

After reading about your highly toxic relationships, I hope that you are seeing a difference. I can tell you in my home, there isn't fighting. Discussions of different point of views can always take place in front of the children because it's never heated, angry or cruel and disagreements are very rare. If it is something not meant for the children to hear, it is taken outside or into the basement at an appropriate time.

I just feel that you have much to pay attention to with your daughter. In her young life, she has been through many traumas, her life is crazy to say the least. She needs direction and attentive parenting. I can't even fathom a place where my five-year old was and even worse a place where children I am supervising are, that I would not go and be there often, like the room. That is crazy to say the least.

You need this income, then it deserves your utmost effort and care and of above all else, it needs structure.

GOD bless you Jennie, I wish you only the best.

Jennie, you obviously love your daughter very much, it's easy to see that you only have her best interests at heart.

She has been through a lot in her young life, and she has a lot more to deal with in the future, as do you.

My son has ADHD, parenting him is 10 times harder that parenting my daughter. Everything he does is a huge accomplishment because he has to work so hard to get it. You'll find that out when Ayla is in school, lots of time spent on homework etc.

I just can't imagine taking on extra children when your own child has so many issues. I also can't imagine caring for other children but spending the majority of my time on the computer while they're in another room playing unsupervised with a child that (by your own admission) has a lot of tantrums, outrageous behavior etc.

I realize you've already accepted payment from the parents you're sitting for. So make the most of it. It's summer, have some fun with the kids, go outside, set up a little kiddie pool, let them splash around, get your feet wet.

Maybe do a craft. No extra supplies necessary, just use things around the house. You'd be amazed how many things you can do with empty toilet paper rolls and empty milk jugs. Trust me, I have a whole shelf full of cute little projects the kids and I have done just using stuff we found around the house.

Play with them, enjoy them, spend time with them. The computer will still be there when the house is quiet and you have some time.

Not to beat a dead horse, but Jennie, this is what I was referring to, you have been on for the last four hours straight, with a daughter and hubby home.

Why don't you fit in some quality time with them today?

Justwantfair, your assuming too much. I had also said that they were both still sleeping (at 8am) and did not get up until 2 hours ago (9am) in which case they are both at the pool right now at 11am.

That doesn't equal four hours, just so you know.
Why didn't you want to go to the pool with them?

Um.. yes it does...

8
9
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I have 3 infected bug bites on my calf right now. I tried to go in the pool last night but it stung too much.


I really meant what I said earlier about taking all of your advise seriously, and I won't be sitting on the computer during the day when the kids are here. I didn't have the worlds greatest role model for motherhood, my mother either didn't pay any attention to what we did, or she was over controlling and abusive. I am still working on trying to find a balance, and NOT turn into my mother.
And I did a lot of learning by trail and error, and I'm still learning.

I have 3 infected bug bites on my calf right now. I tried to go in the pool last night but it stung too much.

You still could have gone, sat on the deck and watched, cheered, spent time with them.

Instead you're at home, on the computer.

Family time is important, more important than a web site.

I see you've also gone to invisible mode, why?

Well here it's four complete hours, you are listing three hours.
According to my clock it's since 9:38 am and my clock now reads 2:03 pm, that is four and a half complete hours.

So since I know that the clock are off the times between here and there, they are not off by the complete hours since you have been on this morning. So maybe your first post was 7:38 am your time because it is now 12:03 pm your time.

So I guess your real concern was while babysitting, not the extra attention you could be paying your husband and daughter. If you want to build great foundations to a relationship, then you can't build that being online. That is all I am trying to say.

You said that they were up at 9 am, that would have been a good time to go sneek in some quality time with your family, since you knew you wouldn't be going to the pool.

We have family nights ever day of the week, during the day when hubby is on nights.

We have movie night, games night, reading night, craft night. A different activity every day.

It keeps us connected, gives us a chance to talk, enjoy eachothers company.

We also do our family walks every day, take the kids, the dogs, walk around the neighbourhood, go to the playground, our beagle loves the slide, it's funny.

I'm only online when the kids are otherwise occupied, or when hubby is home spending time with just them. They need the one on one with him, they get a lot of that with me.

Weekends are for family outings. We're always on the go.

Jenny, you only have a short time with your child while she still wants to be around you. Before you know it she'll be a teen and she won't want you around as much. Then she'll be grown up, move out, have a life of her own. You're missing out on the best years of her life, the time to make the memories that last forever, create that bond that never breaks.

Does you computer give you love? Does it hug you, kiss you, call you mom? No, it doesn't.

Just because you're not babysitting today doesn't mean you have a free day. You still have a child, a child with a lot of issues, and she needs her mother.

Just saying.

Again you are assuming way too much.

When did I say I was on the computer this whole time?

When did I say I did not get off the computer and spend time with them? I ate breakfast with them. Me and ayla watched some morning cartoons together. Me and ayla played 2 players on a game called peggle.

So basically the way you are saying it, is if someone posted yesterday at 2pm, and then posted again at 4, and again at 6. that means they have been online from 2pm-6pm non stop?



And we don't play outside unless we are in the pool because it has been an average of 115* for the last few weeks, with heat warnings out from the national weather service.

I do not work, not ONLY because of my bipolar. Yes its difficult to keep a job because of it. But that is not the only reason. I homeschooled ayla for 2 years before this year. Now that she is wanting to go to public school, I have stopped. However I have made the CHOICE to be a Stay at home mom, even when she goes to school, because I want to be here at home for her, before school, after school, and any time during the year when she may get sick, or hurt and need to come home from school. This is my choice.


I'm sorry ladies... but I am starting to feel a little ganged up on and criticized here... I still love you all, and I'm not angry, my feelings aren't hurt or anythign like that... but I think I'm going to step outside, have a ciggarette and a few deep breaths. Besides, its lunch time, and I need to start cooking lunch ;) talk to you all later.

I'm not trying to gang up on you. I only wanted to share what my experiences have been about how people take things.
Heck the past two months I have been doing hardly anything but sitting at this computer from 7 am to midnight because I am in such a funk that I am all alone, no responsibilities and no money.
I know how the get up away from the computer to go get something to eat, then check the site for a bit and then rearrange a closet or run a neighbor to the store get back and check computer again, goes. That is why I suggested the setting aside time because even though you may not be on it the whole time the being drawn to it can be a problem.

I didn't mean for you to feel that way.

I think we all have legitimate concerns.

Jennie, I just can't imagine spending as much time online as you do with a child that has so many problems and other children to boot.

I realize you don't have the extra kids today, I just have to wonder why you aren't with your husband and child.

You say there are problems in your marriage, maybe it's lack of time together.

Do you and hubby ever go out on a date, go for a walk, spend time one on one?

How about family time?

As for lunch, why not ask Ayla to help. I ask my kids to help all the time. They can do simple things, like butter the bread for grilled cheese, get the cheese out of the wrapper, put it on the bread.

They both set the table, get the drinks, help. It's time with me and teaches them in the process.

I just think a lot of us are a bit confused how you have so much time to be on the computer when you have so many problems at home.

Not ganging up on you. I'm just questioning things.

Okay?

again you are assuming way to much.

when did i say i was on the computer this whole time?

when did i say i did not get off the computer and spend time with them? i ate breakfast with them. me and ayla watched some morning cartoons together. me and ayla played 2 players on a game called peggle.

so basically the way you are saying it, is if someone posted yesterday at 2pm, and then posted again at 4, and again at 6. that means they have been online from 2pm-6pm non stop?

You were on the computer the whole time. If you watched cartoons with your daughter you came back just to post in between commercials. There are 2 - half hours gaps in your posting, but I have been on all day and there are at least two hour gaps in my postings as well, while I read posts or go have a cigarette. Besides the fact this isn't the only site you frequent.

I am just not buying it, but since you cried 'foul' I will back off.

You will be the one to regret this time later, so it's no harm to me.