My wife recently left me on a Sunday while I was serving at our church. She filed for divorce on Tuesday and then for a domestic violence restraining order on Thursday. She was granted a TPO and there is a hearing set for August 5. In her statement she claims that I was abusive and she added and withheld information about the events that took place. She mentioned a mutual friend had been present during one of the arguments and he has agreed to be a witness on my behalf. I never laid a hand on my wife except during one incident where she became hostile and wouldn't leave the house. She ended up striking me in the chest and I pushed her. During another incident she tried to leave with our 1 year old son and when I tried to stop her she punched me in the face. I have witnesses to my injuries. She is obviously trying to gain custody of our son and I am deeply concerned. I only care about getting to see my son and to get some custody of him. I live in the state of California.

Yeah - you pushed her. The TPO will be upheld and might be extended indefinitely. There is no "except" in never. You either didn't or you did and you just admitted that you did. Keeping her from leaving the house is also spousal abuse.

Get a lawyer and get one today. This will work against you heavily in the custody hearings.

I would do nothing without an Attorney. In NY (where I am and I realize I'm not in California) you were BOTH guilty of domestic abuse. Here they take a hard stand if a husband or wife puts his/her hands on his/her partner, including pushing and restraining (keeping her from leaving the house).

Again - I would not go into this without an Attorney. She had enough to get a temporary order.

Your friend is willing to come to Court and testify?

You need to prove she is not telling both sides of the story. I think you should be able to have the ones that have witnessed her behavior to court on your behalf.
Do not communicate with her in any way for any reason. Get divorced and file for full custody but you will probably get joint and visitations.
How old is your son?

Judy is right she is equally guilty of abuse. Often Judges may not consider abuse against the spouse against custody issues--depending on the circumstances

My son is almost 2 years old. I don't care if she gets a restraining order or if there is a mutual no contact order. I just think that she is as abusive as I ever was and I don't want that to affect my ability to have joint custody of my son.

I know. You have to prove she is lying and go for the full or joint custody.

Yeah - you pushed her. The TPO will be upheld and might be extended indefinitely. There is no "except" in never. You either didnt or you did and you just admitted that you did. Keeping her from leaving the house is also spousal abuse.

Get a lawyer and get one today. This will work against you heavily in the custody hearings.

I never tried to atop her from leaving I just didn't want her to leave with out son when she was angry. She did anyway after punching me in the face and then peeled out when she left.

I know. You have to prove she is lying and go for the full or joint custody.

She doesn't have any "proof" of anything. I have two witnesses that saw my face after she punched me. I can't believe that she will be able to get full custody based on a bunch of lies.

I would do nothing without an Attorney. In NY (where I am and I realize I'm not in California) you were BOTH guilty of domestic abuse. Here they take a hard stand if a husband or wife puts his/her hands on his/her partner, including pushing and restraining (keeping her from leaving the house).

Again - I would not go into this without an Attorney. She had enough to get a temporary order.

Your friend is willing to come to Court and testify?

I have two witnesses that are willing to come to court and testify. She has broken contact with all of our mutual friends from church and all her other friends. I know she doesn't want to talk to them because she is lying about what happened. My lawyer said she could get a TPO easily because she filed it herself and the Judge has to go on the side of safety even with out talking to me. I'll get my day in court right!

I have two witnesses that are willing to come to court and testify. She has broken contact with all of our mutual friends from church and all her other friends. I know she doesn't want to talk to them because she is lying about what happened. My lawyer said she could get a TPO easily because she filed it herself and the Judge has to go on the side of safety even with out talking to me. I'll get my day in court right!

She doesn't have any "proof" of anything. I have two witnesses that saw my face after she punched me. I can't believe that she will be able to get full custody based on a bunch of lies.

Her breaking contact with people is meaningless, at least in my State. The issue is going to whether you were abusive and, if so, when/where/how.

I have never seen character witnesses being brought in to such a Hearing. I have seen medical records and other records subpoenaed, of course.

Yes, you'll get your day in Court. I'm sure you realize that you must bring witnesses to her claims that you assaulted her (as she alleges) and not witnesses to anything else.

What have you requested from the Court? Sole custody? If so, yes, at some point your witnesses to her character and behavior become important. If she is unstable and a liar (which you indicate she is) I would assume you're moving for full custody, want to be the custodial parent?

You say: "She doesn't have any "proof" of anything. I have two witnesses that saw my face after she punched me." Are you charging her with spousal abuse. These witnesses are also without merit if they did not see the incident - again, at least in NY.

How did you try to stop her from leaving the house without putting your hands on her? I don't not believe you I just don't know what she is going to allege and what actually happened.

Abuse is also in the eyes of the person being abused as well as the abuser - I was actually in Court when a man testified in a rather baffled manner that he NEVER abused his wife. He only shook her to get her attention. In the heat of the moment, maybe that's what happened. I don't know.

Again - you'll get your day in Court and your Attorney will tell you what to expect.

Im not saying its right... just that it is. You're a man, she's a woman. When it comes to domestic abuse, you will very likely be ignored.

Few years ago, my ex and I got in a fight. I slapped her ending the fight. I went to the hospital with my injuries. I then went to jail. She beat my face in and I had to get stitches, she got slapped. No charges were pressed against her despite my requests.

That's just the way the world works, man. Sucks but that's how it is. Your mileage may vary, but be prepared to be ignored.

Which is why you NEED to get a lawyer.

I definitely hired a lawyer. She doesn't have any proof and I have a witness to when she says I pushed her. He came over to our house and she was yelling profanities at me when he arrived. Nothing was broken or in dissaray. Its pretty much my word against hers and I realize that it is not in my favor.

I definetly hired a lawyer. She doesn't have any proof and I have a witness to when she says I pushed her. He came over to our house and she was yelling profanities at me when he arrived. Nothing was broken or in dissaray. Its pretty much my word against hers and I realize that it is not in my favor.



Oh, but it might be. People under pressure and stress show their true colors. Court is intimidating (if you aren't used to it). She will be under a great deal of pressure. Maybe she'll lose her cool - happens all the time.

I would be prepared. I trust your Attorney is experienced and recommended by someone who used him/her in the past.

Just keep your head and don't get tangled up in side issues.

Steve I also had to move out of our home because she said that she didn't want our son to be uprooted from where he lived. She has not returned to the home and I don't think she is ever going to. Why should I have to move out if she isn't even going to live there. Wouldn't it be better for my son if he could actually live there. She's the one who uprooted him from the home.

Steve I also had to move out of our home because she said that she didn't want our son to be uprooted from where he lived. She has not returned to the home and I don't think she is ever going to. Why should I have to move out if she isn't even going to live there. Wouldn't it be better for my son if he could actually live there. She's the one who uprooted him from the home.


You didn't address me, you addressed Steve but - these are questions for the Court and your Attorney to answer. Children are uprooted all the time because of job transfers and divorces, of course.

If the welfare of your child is at stake here the Court will very probably appoint a Guardian Ad Litem and that person will make recommendations.

If your house is standing empty, by all means your Attorney should request that you be "allowed" to move back in.

I don't understand totally what happened here - there was a choice as to which one of you would leave the home? You weren't ordered out?

Do we know what State this is in?

She asked in the TPO that I should have to move out because she didn't want to uproot the children from their home but she has not returned. So really she's the one that is uprooting them. I think she just did this because she didn't want me to take any belongings from the home. She also took both of our computers, our digital camera, and all of our paperwork. And I mean ALL of the paperwork. How can I prove that she has not returned to the home if I can't go there.

You hire someone - I do this all the time for Attorneys. That someone looks in windows, talks to neighbors, checks if the grass has been cut - and who cut it, are there cars in the garage (or outside if there is no garage), is there garbage out in front on garbage day.

Then the someone prepares an Affidavit for the Court listing dates/times that someone was there as well as what the someone found out.

Occasionally I do get called to testify on these cases but very seldom. It's hard evidence to argue against.

Or you ask a neighbor to come to Court and testify. Friends/family are presumed to be prejudiced and are pretty useless in these matters.

Thanks a lot. That was really useful information. I mean why should my son not be able to live at his home. My wife isn't going to stay there even if she gets a restaining order because she will want to stay with her parents. Her mom already takes care of the kids for her anyway. She had a daughter from a previous relationship and in the 2 years we were married she barely ever lived with us. All I really want is to get joint custody of my son. I'm trying to stay positive but it is extremely difficult. Thanks for your information.

I agree when she gets to court and you have yourself covered with your evidence and she sees it isn't going to be as simple as she was counting on she may not do well in court and the Judge may see straight through her and see things for what they really are.

That's why I say make sure you pursue this.

Thanks for all of your information. I'm sure you understand that I am under a lot of stress, but my plan is to pursue the matter in a cool collected way and to stay positive in my life so that I can provide for my son. My biggest concern is trying to get equal custody. I just don't want this restraining order to interfere with my relationship with my son.

I wish you the best.

One more FYI
With joint custody so you do not have to deal with her when exchanging for your time you can have a designated public place like the Park, McDonalds, the Police station, etc...
And you can even request that a family member do the drop off and pick up.

One thing you might consider is keeping an eye on how your spending your money. Often times if your not careful you can get sucked into legal wranglings and cost thousands when there are better ways to do things. If she is lying so much and you have played an active role in your child's life. Regardless of the outcome of the restraining order ask for a parental evaluation. Its far cheaper and much more effective then a legal tug of war in a courtroom. Also if its available in your area ask for an order from the courts to attend a program called " kids turn ". It should help both of you adjust to your new lives.

A Guide To The Parenting Evaluation Process (http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/guide.php)

KIDS' TURN www.kidsturn.org (http://www.kidsturn.org/pages/page.php?pageid=75)

Someone else suggested that to me and obviously she doesn't want to talk to me. I just can't believe that she's being so imature. Someone also told me that if I have to have supervised visits that it doesn't have to be with a social worker but could be with a third party. Will we have to agree on who the third party would be. I can't imagine that she would want our son to have to go to some strange place to visit me. Also does the supervisor of the visits come to my house?

One thing you might consider is keeping an eye on how your spending your money. Often times if your not careful you can get sucked into legal wranglings and cost thousands when there are better ways to do things. If she is lying so much and you have played an active role in your childs life. Regaurdless of the outcome of the restraining order ask for a parental evaluation. Its far cheaper and much more effective then a legal tug of war in a courtroom. Also if its available in your area ask for an order from the courts to attend a program called " kids turn ". It should help both of you adjust to your new lives.

A Guide To The Parenting Evaluation Process (http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/guide.php)

KIDS' TURN www.kidsturn.org (http://www.kidsturn.org/pages/page.php?pageid=75)

I only hired a lawyer because of the restraining order. I would have just assumed worked it out between us. All this money I'm spending could have gone towards buying things for our son. I also want to point out that I am not trying in anyway to take him from his mother. I want him to be able to spend just as much time with her as with me. I hope this attitude will help things to be resolved concerning what is best for our son.

You need to stop worrying so much. Try to find something to take your mind off the mess. You have a lawyer. As far as what I had suggested they are done under court order so she can't argue her way out of them. Most likely your not going to get supervised visitation unless there is a true history of DV or drugs etc.

She has to prove you would harm or neglect your son or that you live a really unsavory lifestyle to expose to a kid.
She has nothing on you for the most part.

Thanks califdad. She accused me of being an alcoholic but then again she used to drink with me when we did drink. I have been clean and sober since my son was born and I attend meetings weekly at a christ centered recovery program at my church. I did get in some trouble with the law about ten years ago for possession and spent some time in prison in Nevada. I hope this won't have too much affect on my case but I have to accept the things that I've done in the past. I've made an honest effort to change my life and I will continue to due so for myself and my son.

See you have a lot going for you that you can prove in court. I think the Judge will see her for what she is.
They can't use what you did 10 yrs ago against you at least what I am aware of.

see you have a lot going for you that you can prove in court. I think the Judge will see her for what she is.
They can't use what you did 10 yrs ago against you at least what I am aware of.

They can go back as far as they want to prove a pattern but if no pattern exists its worthless to do so. Be willing to take tests if needed to prove yourself is all.

Yes exactly
I was referring more to her actions in court
She may exhibit some of her attitude for the Judge to pick up on.
If the thing 10 years pertains to domestic violence then yes they can go back and use it if there is still a pattern,

I haven't been I any trouble for over 5 years. I'm trying to be as honest as I can about who I am and what I do with my life. I am very active at my church and I don't drink or use drugs so I'm not worried about and testing. I was kind of concerned about how I would provide a place to live for my son but hopefully I will be allowed to move back into the house. If not I've rented a room from some friends so I have a room for my son to live in when he is with me. How much concern should I have for her trying to object about where my son will be when he is with me.

I haven't been i any trouble for over 5 years. I'm trying to be as honest as I can about who I am and what I do with my life. I am very active at my church and I don't drink or use drugs so I'm not worried about and testing. I was kind of concerned about how I would provide a place to live for my son but hopefully I will be allowed to move back into the house. If not I've rented a room from some friends so I have a room for my son to live in when he is with me. How much concern should I have for her trying to object about where my son will be when he is with me.

The concern can come when there is a destructive environment for your child. Lets say you moved into a crack house then there is a right to have concern. If there has been a lot of police activity to the home there can be concern. If the house isn't clean.. again a concern. But a place of transition when your trying to get back on your feet and a decent clean place to sleep... no concern at all.

My only point credibility. If she acts up in court and OP remains calm and sticks to the facts and proof the Judge could see she is lying to make it look like he is the bad guy. Then the Judge will know that he can't go by her word about his being abusive.

In all the back and forth going on on this thread I've really never located a question from you. What exactly do you want to know? The hearing on the TRO (not "TPO") is next week. The court may decide the case right then and there or set it for a long cause evidentiary hearing, probably necessary if both sides have witnesses.

I think you should have filed a TRO against her, immediately, based upon her history of DV. You could still do it now, but the hearing on her TRO is right around the corner.

Frankly, I think there should be mutual orders, from what you've said, but if I were hearing the case I'd limit them to maybe 6 months duration. I get the feeling once things calm down between you two, this stuff won't happen again.

Put up a good fight to avoid the TRO being issued long-term. Because if you don't you'll end up with a presumption against you having either sole or joint custody (legal or physical) of your son (take a look at Cal. Fam. Code section 3044). In other words, if you lose on the TRO, mom should wind up with sole legal and sole physical custody.

When you started the thread was your question, "will I win?" Still not sure what you wanted to know.

Basically I just wanted to know if she was going to be able to get a permanent restraining order. I realize that she was abusive as well but I thought getting a restraining order against her would just look like retaliation since she already filed for one. I'm hoping that the hearing will go to another hearing to present witnesses and such so that I can state my case in more detail. I really don't care about the restraining order I just don't want it to affect my ability to get joint custody of our son.

Basically I just wanted to know if she was going to be able to get a permanent restraining order. I realize that she was abusive as well but I thought getting a restraining order against her would just look like retaliation since she already filed for one. I'm hoping that the hearing will go to another hearing to present witnesses and such so that I can state my case in more detail. I really don't care about the restraining order I just don't want it to affect my ability to get joint custody of our son.

That's kind of what I thought you were asking.

You'll probably get a hearing for one hour or more if you need it to present testimony. That shouldn't be a problem.Whether you will win or not is hard to say. That's why your own TRO against her would have been smart (not that you weren't entitled to one). It would have put you both on a bit more even footing before the court (the judge would have consolidated the two cases for trial, in all liklihood).

If you wind up with a restraining order against you then you should keep in mind the problem of having joint custody of your son.

Do you think it would be a good idea to still file for a restraining order against her or is it too late. I didn't really think of that because the incident where she claims I abused her took place about 2 months ago. She was acting like things were fine for the time in between now and then. It seems like a bunch of garbage that who ever files first gets the upper hand. If the judge issues a mutual restraining order will that still affect my chances for custody.

You said she is acting like things have been fine? Does that mean that she has been talking and communicating with you? Are you separated and living away from her?

That's kind of what I thought you were asking.

You'll probably get a hearing for one hour or more if you need it to present testimony. That shouldn't be a problem.Whether you will win or not is hard to say. That's why your own TRO against her would have been smart (not that you weren't entitled to one). It would have put you both on a bit more even footing before the court (the judge would have consolidated the two cases for trial, in all liklihood).

If you wind up with a restraining order against you then you should keep in mind the problem of having joint custody of your son.

Lets not make the OP too nervous. He will still have options either way it goes and the restraining order can't be used against him if the evidence shows otherwise.

( quote from link )

The section 3044 presumption, however, does not change the best interest test, nor supplant other Family Code provisions governing custody proceedings. This presumption may be overcome by a preponderance of the evidence showing that it is in the child's best interest to grant joint or sole custody to the offending parent. (§ 3044, subd. (b)(1).) Nor does the statute establish a presumption for or against joint custody; again, the paramount factor is the child's health, safety and welfare. (§§ 3020, subd. (a); 3040, subd. (b).) And where the section 3044 presumption has been rebutted, there is no statutory bar against an award of joint or sole custody to a parent who was the subject of the order.

( end quote )


Reference link:


http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/opinions/documents/G041642.DOC

If she's done the things you claim, you should file a TRO against her (the judge may or may not grant it). It certainly wouldn't hurt to try.

Talk to your lawyer about it and see what he or she thinks.

Lets not make the OP too nervous. He will still have options either way it goes and the restraining order can't be used against him if the evidence shows otherwise.

( quote from link )

The section 3044 presumption, however, does not change the best interest test, nor supplant other Family Code provisions governing custody proceedings. This presumption may be overcome by a preponderance of the evidence showing that it is in the child's best interest to grant joint or sole custody to the offending parent. (§ 3044, subd. (b)(1).) Nor does the statute establish a presumption for or against joint custody; again, the paramount factor is the child's health, safety and welfare. (§§ 3020, subd. (a); 3040, subd. (b).) And where the section 3044 presumption has been rebutted, there is no statutory bar against an award of joint or sole custody to a parent who was the subject of the order.

( end quote )


reference link:


http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/opinions/documents/G041642.DOC

Well, a presumption is a presumption. And I disagree with whomever said, "Nor does the statute establish a presumption for or against joint custody". It most certainly establishes a presumption against the offending parent having it, that's exactly what the statute says.

I don't think it's as easy to rebut a 3044 presumption as the commentator thinks.

Well, a presumption is a presumption. And I disagree with whomever said, "Nor does the statute establish a presumption for or against joint custody". It most certainly establishes a presumption against the offending parent having it, that's exactly what the statute says.

I don't think it's as easy to rebut a 3044 presumption as the commentator thinks.

I guess it can be argued at a higher level court because that's where the quote came from.

( quote )
IN THE COURT OF APPEAL OF THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA

FOURTH APPELLATE DISTRICT

DIVISION THREE

KEITH R.

Petitioner,

v.

THE SUPERIOR COURT OF ORANGE COUNTY,

Respondent;

H.R.

Real Party in Interest.
G041642

(Super. Ct. No. 06D008776)

O P I N I O N
Original proceedings; petition for a writ of mandate to challenge an order of the Superior Court of Orange County, Nancy Pollard, Judge. Petition granted.
William J. Kopeny & Associates and William J. Kopeny for Petitioner.
No appearance for Respondent.
Law Offices of Patrick A. McCall and Patrick A. McCall for Real Party in Interest.


( end quote )

In my state they do not consider a restraining order against a spouse as proof they can not have visitations with the child. They presume that while the spouse may have problems with the other parent it doesn't mean they are abusive/neglectful toward the child.

I guess it can be argued at a higher level court because thats where the quote came from.

( quote )
IN THE COURT OF APPEAL OF THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA

FOURTH APPELLATE DISTRICT

DIVISION THREE

KEITH R.,

Petitioner,

v.

THE SUPERIOR COURT OF ORANGE COUNTY,

Respondent;

H.R.,

Real Party in Interest.
G041642

(Super. Ct. No. 06D008776)

O P I N I O N
Original proceedings; petition for a writ of mandate to challenge an order of the Superior Court of Orange County, Nancy Pollard, Judge. Petition granted.
William J. Kopeny & Associates and William J. Kopeny for Petitioner.
No appearance for Respondent.
Law Offices of Patrick A. McCall and Patrick A. McCall for Real Party in Interest.


( end quote )

I don't think I've seen this case before. Do you have the official citation? (Incidentally, I know Patrick McCall, who's listed as counsel on the case. I've attended seminars he's put on.)

I assumed the cite came from someone who knew something about section 3044, but I don't agree with everything any commentator says about the law, or even with what some appellate court justices say about it. Lawyers disagree with other lawyers, and lawyers with judges and judges with other judges all the time. I just think it sounds stupid to say section 3044 doesn't create a presumtion against joint custody. The hell it doesn't. It specifically says it does with respect to the perpetrator of DV. That's the whole point of the statute.

I don't think I've seen this case before. Do you have the official citation? (Incidentally, I know Patrick McCall, who's listed as counsel on the case. I've attended seminars he's put on.)

I assumed the cite came from someone who knew something about section 3044, but I don't agree with everything any commentator says about the law, or even with what some appellate court justices say about it. Lawyers disagree with other lawyers, and lawyers with judges and judges with other judges all the time. I just think it sounds stupid to say section 3044 doesn't create a presumtion against joint custody. The hell it doesn't. It specifically says it does with respect to the perpetrator of DV. That's the whole point of the statute.

The link I posted is from an actual filing and its really recent.

Filed 5/19/09; pub. & mod. Order 6/5/09 (see end of opn.)

So the whole thing should be in that doc file.

I hope that helps.

It may actually behoove you to "fight fire with fire", that is to file your own restraining order against her. In fact, I strongly feel that if you were to consult an attorney this is what (s)he would advise you to do. This is the best way to "force" the judge, so to speak, to consider all of the evidence and truly listen to "both sides" of the story and to entertain witnesses on your behalf as well as hers.

I understand that a restraining order isn't going to help me if I ask for joint custody. What kind of evidence do I need to present to oppose her claim of abuse. If I just say it didn't happen then why is her word more creditable than mine. I have a witness that came over after the "abuse" and watched her yell profanities at me in front of our son. If anything shouldn't she be just as abusive as she claims I was?

My lawyer has not suggested this to me at this time but I will ask his opinion about it. The hearing is a week from tomorrow. Don't you think this will just look like I am filing a restraining order because she did?

You said she is acting like things have been fine? Does that mean that she has been talking and communicating with you? Are you separated and living away from her?

She never told anyone about the alleged abuse accept maybe her parents. The major incident that she claims there was abuse happened over 6 weeks ago. She didn't leave at that time. She waited until weeks later. She also withdrew all the money from our savings account a week before she left and took both our computers and all our paperwork. It just seems to me that if you were in fear of someone you wouldn't have them watch the baby while you systematically prepared to take everything of value in the home and all of the money in our bank accounts. That should be supportive of the fact that she wasn't really scared but was just trying to come out of the divorce on top right? She also filed for the divorce two days before the DVRO. Wouldn't you file the restraining order first if you feared for your safety?

My lawyer has not suggested this to me at this time but I will ask his opinion about it. The hearing is a week from tomorrow. Don't you think this will just look like I am filing a restraining order because she did?Definitely bring it up with your lawyer. It's not really a case of "monkey see, monkey do" but rather, like I said, to insure that you get your day in court ; your wife already has hers in the bag, having filed the initial order and gotten the TRO against you. As the plaintiff, she's going to have the leverage to say "he said....' ; "he did... " ; "my friend here saw him do... and heard him say... " and on and on ; you know how it goes. So by filing your own restraining order and making yourself a "counter plaintiff" so to speak, you give yourself that same leverage to present the same sort of evidence against her and in your favor. I've heard lawyers tell clients facing restraining orders to do just that. I've also heard police officers [off-duty, on a strictly personal level] tell people the same thing.

What I am trying to get at is that if she got a restraining order against you and then she is not following it then you can use that she broke PFA by not keeping you away.
I don't know how 'involved' you are with her at this point though

On Sunday July 12 my wife left the home. I have not seen her since or talked to her. I went to the courthouse to file some custody papers and found out that she got a TRO. This was about 4 days after she left. Before they served me with the papers she texted my phone saying " lets meet for coffee and talk". My lawyer said this won't be much good because she will just say she was trying to serve me the papers. I couldn't be more nervous about this. I just want some custody of my son. I feel like I'm living a nightmare. I'm hoping that she hasn't hired a lawyer because she filed the TRO with only a paralegal. How will I know if she has hired a lawyer? Do I have to wait until I go to the hearing to see if she has a lawyer?

Okay I was wondering because of the way you worded the one reply.
I don't know how you could find out if she hired a lawyer. Your lawyer might know. Other than that I don't know.

On Sunday July 12 my wife left the home. I have not seen her since or talked to her. I went to the courthouse to file some custody papers and found out that she got a TRO. This was about 4 days after she left. Before they served me with the papers she texted my phone saying " lets meet for coffee and talk". My lawyer said this won't be much good because she will just say she was trying to serve me the papers. I couldn't be more nervous about this. I just want some custody of my son. I feel like I'm living a nightmare. I'm hoping that she hasn't hired a lawyer because she filed the TRO with only a paralegal. How will I know if she has hired a lawyer? Do I have to wait until I go to the hearing to see if she has a lawyer?

If no lawyer's name appears on the TRO, then check the court's file to see if anyone filed a substitution of attorney (if they did you should have had a copy served on you or on your lawyer). That's how you find out if she's hired anyone.

I don't think you need to worry about this so much. Every time I'm in court I see about 10-15 of these on any judge's morning calendar. They are pretty common, and most are nonsense.

Even if you get a restraining order issued for some period, you can always go in later and ask that it be terminated. And no matter what, you are still going to have rights to your child. They're not going to impose supervised visitation on you or anything of that nature, not based upon what you've explained happened here. So, don't worry so much about it. I've represented people many times on both sides of a TRO in California and it's not that big of a deal.

If you all can't get along and live peacefully together as two reasonable adults then it is time to walk through the court doors and get a divorce. These domestic violence incidents are not good for your child. I am no expert on this but joint custody would be your best remedy for now.

If you all can't get along and live peacefully together as two reasonable adults then it is time to walk through the court doors and get a divorce. These domestic violence incidents are not good for your child. I am no expert on this but joint custody would be your best remedy for now.

I am sure that that is the goal but his immediate problem right now is OP's concern of getting through this TRO hearing in a week.

Thank you very much cadillac59 for your info. I'm trying to stay calm and collected. I really don't care about the restraining order except that I don't want it to affect my ability to get joint custody. There really isn't much at stake except our son. He is what's most important. We just barely bought a house and all we really own is a bunch of second hand furniture and a lot of debt. What impact do you think it will have on the divorce concerning my wife taking our computers, our camera, and emptying out our bank accounts before she left? What do you think my chances are that I will be able to return to the home. She is not living there and I don't thnik she intends to return there either.

How do I change my name on this site? I just thought how stupid it would be if she read all this stuff!

how do I change my name on this site? I just thought how stupid it would be if she read all this stuff!

You can always set up a new account. But you can't change it.

Odds are she's not going to find you :)

EDIT: Besides, as long as everything you've said is truthful, there's nothing to worry about. What can she do: ask the judge to punish you for being honest and wanting advice?

You can't change your name from the original one you chose.
Hopefully she doesn't know this site exists

Ya your probably right. I hate this paranoid feeling this whole thing is giving me! Thanks for the scripture. I think I learned more of Gods word in the last two weeks than I have in the last two years!

I have it up to remind myself that nothing is in my hands. We're going through a custody battle right now with my husband's ex-wife which has just taken a very sharp turn, but thankfully it's in our favor.

I used to get paranoid too, that she would find this site and somehow use it against us. But then again, nothing I've said here isn't true so she has nothing to complain about.

Thank you very much cadillac59 for your info. I'm trying to stay calm and collected. I really don't care about the restraining order except that I don't want it to affect my ability to get joint custody. There really isn't much at stake except our son. He is whats most important. We just barely bought a house and all we really own is a bunch of second hand furniture and a lot of debt. What impact do you think it will have on the divorce concerning my wife taking our computers, our camera, and emptying out our bank accounts before she left? What do you think my chances are that I will be able to return to the home. She is not living there and I don't thnik she intends to return there either.

I had a case recently where I represented a mom on a TRO, the parties went to mediation and agreed to joint custody. The judge granted the restraining order (I think for 3 years) but allowed the joint custody. And it was a true 50-50 timeshare. It worked out fine for the dad and he didn't care about the restraining order anyway.

Don't worry so much. Everything's going to be fine.

I guess that wouldn't be so bad. We could always go back to court later to get the restraining order lifted if that's what she wanted to do. I still have hope for my marriage but My son is more important to me right now. I can't change my wife, only she can do that.

When I go to court and tell the Judge that my wife isn't living in the home. What are the chances that I will get to move back in? I'm going to state that I have been unemployed for 3 months and that I was the primary caretaker for my son during that time. Do you think that the judge will grant this even if she claims that she is living there? How can I take further action if she lies and says she is living there?