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View Full Version : What do you think of my poem?


Kyle3235
Jul 24, 2009, 11:22 AM
All help will be appreciated
Thank you

The Temptation

The waves murmur to me, enticing me towards the glittering sand. Water encircles my feet with a gust of wind lashing through my hair. Wind encloses my body, recognizing I'm there.

The clouds eclipse out the sun, turning red with rage.
The heavens no longer blue, an evident omen of peril.

The rain bombarding against my skin, as cold as ice.
Water oozing through my bones.

The universe calling to me, hauling me out.
The heavens begin to close, sorrow floods through me.
The waves grew bigger, crashed over my head.
With one last final breath; my sorrow erased, unmistakably dead.

Wondergirl
Jul 24, 2009, 11:28 AM
Nice poem, but you keep changing/complicating the tense (grammatically s/b "The universe calls to me, hauls me out. The heavens begin to close, sorrow floods through me").