Someone please help! I divorced my husband 10 years ago because he made me choose between my marriage and our unborn child. I choose our child and had a beautiful baby girl alone. Since then my ex has kept me on the back burner with promises that one day we will be together. Last weekend I discovered that another woman had been staying with him at weekends and he introduced her to our daughter, I'm devastated and don't know how to get through this. Our 18 year old son hasn't spoken to him for 3 years because of how he treats me, and he is giving this as the excuse for not being a family. We had a very bitter divorce and I went through pregnancy and birth alone just hoping that once he saw the baby he would change his mind but he has been dangling the carrot ever since. Trouble is I love him and can't see a future without him, but I also know I can't go on like this.
On my request we've not had contact for two months because it's worse when I see him, so he's picking up or daughter from my moms house. Help, I don't know where to go from here.:confused:

You need to move on.
He is not going to comeback to you.
If you need to I would suggest you seek counseling.

I have an ex brother in law that did this same thing to my sister.
It took her 2 years but now she is finally dating again.

Where the is a will there is away

You love a man that forced you to choose between your marriage and your unborn child? You were married, grown adults who already had one child. This wasn't even a crisis pregnancy and he wanted you to have an abortion or he was leaving? And he actually left? I certainly don't blame your son for not speaking to him. It's a wonder you even speak to him or anyone in your family speaks to him. It's amazing your mother actually lets him come to her house to pick your daughter up. I'm sorry, but the sooner you forget this loser, the better. I know you'll have to tolerate him due to visitation with your daughter (the one he wanted you to abort and you didn't, so he left) but I'd steer clear of him. I just hope your son and daughter eventually learn from this. I know it was difficult but you made the right choice.

I can't believe you want to jump back into the fire after getting so badly burned. Be civil for the kids but dude is a loser.

Thanks for taking time to reply guys, you've been such a help and you all make perfect sense. X

I am a big believer in something that may sound strange but I don't think I have ever stopped loving someone I have loved. I don't believe we are meant to do that either. What I have done is limited my exposure to them, or stopped being available to them, or stopped being open to being abused by them, or if necessary and possible, stopped any connection whatsoever to them -- all while still loving them with all my heart.

It was painful but I failed utterly at killing off my love for them and my attempts became too painful.

What I could eventually see, and easier and easier each time, is they are people who are sick or unsafe to me and I love me too. So these actions were required. I learned to tell myself as I let go of each one that should some amazing miracle occur and they be rendered well or safe enough for me, that I trust my spiritually guided path enough to know we would meet again.

So far that has happened only once. I am astonished that it did too.

Am I sad about the rest? Oh yes. Am I devastated by that? No. Living in a safe, sane environment has helped me heal from some pretty destructive relationships and the incumbent loss. I grieve the loss and heal. And so can you. And wouldn't that be a marvelous lesson to demonstrate to your son and perhaps pass onto your daughter one day, should she need it?

I think daughter dropped off at Mom's is a terrific way to protect yourself. I would employ other methods along similar lines too. I hope this helps.

Val!! Outstanding once again!! I agree so much about always loving someone - I still love my High School girlfriend. Girls I dated in my 20's - but, do I want to go back?? NO WAY!! I am sad too - about them. Beter person for them - I am better person to be with as well. I took somehting from each one of them

IT'S BROKE BECAUSE IT'S BROKEN!!

Kay13 - tough love here - but you don't ever want to be with this guy again. You had something 10 years ago - i9t broke. He's NEVER changed. He toys with you because you let him!! Ughhhhh!!

EVEN your son knows better than to have anything to do with this guy. Cut him off!! Now.

All he does is play you for his big jollies.

You' be together if things coul/would work out.

Guys, what can I say? I have never looked at it like that Val - perahps it's easier to accept the love will never go away, but knowing it is healthier for me not to have him in my life. Yes, I like that. Protecting myself is good, that is what I must concentrate on.

Wildcat, yes, he toys with me because I let him! Ouch, but totally true, that man is now officially cut off! X

Well - stop it! How to do that? STOP ALL communications with this JERK!!

You're son is only 18 AND HE KNOWS WHAT TO DO!! Follow your son - you son knows how to handle this a JERK!! You're son is smart kid.

Did I say he was a complete Jerk!!

Easy there WC, she said "that man is now officially cut off" in her last post... did you not see that?

I saw - I want to make sure she does this though. I bet it's really hard for her.

I wasn't putting her down - I was showing how smart her son was and how kids kind of know.

She wasn't able to do this for 10 years - so she most likely won't do it in one month.

I realised where you were going WC, I've thought it myself my Son got his number 3 years ago and I'm still hanging on. It is hard and it's early days but I know that I got to do it, simple as that.

I also have to try to stand back from the relationship my daughter has with him. She seems to be going through a phase of playing us off against each other. She tells me what she thinks I want to hear but to him it's another story. If I don't let it all go over my head I'll go mad!
I hope he's met his match and what goes around comes around because from where I'm standing this all seems to be so unfair.

Hi there, just having a bit of a bad one today.
My ex told his brother that 'he will always have feelings for me, as the mother of his children'. The children he didn't want. I find that quite insulting, I have feelings for my cat, what's it supposed to mean?

He's told our daughter he has a lovely new house and he's taking her to see it on Sunday, not that he's told her he will be sharing it with a woman she's met once.

It's great how he buries his head in the sand and everything works out for him. :(

Whoa, there Kay... change the channel. Less focus on him, more focus on you and others! Become "politely too busy" to hear unnecessary information about him. Close the door, hang up the phone, make a list of topics to think about instead of him to whip out of your pocket and derail any spontaneous "stewing about him" session. This is not him doing it to you-- this is you USING him to do it to you.

Yeah, this guy is DEEP in your head for noreason - and he knows it.

IF he wanted to ever be with YOU he would. Guess what - you're not. Move on.

He will always say he has feelings to KEEP YOU ON HIS LITTLE STRING AS LIKE plan D. (not even close to plan B)

This guy really plays you - for 10 years!

This guy sees the daughter on a regular basis, that he left you for because you wouldn't get an abortion??

Am I correct in the above statement?

WOW what an contradiction! :mad:

You may think everything works out for him. Yes, he is getting a new home and a relationship. But his son has nothing to do with him, his daughter at some point will feel the same way. I can not imagine what a man is like inside that would give up his children. To be a selfish, uncaring, thoughtless man is not someone that has peace in his heart. You can not possibly feel everything works out for him. When old age comes, your life will be filled with love of your children, grandchildren and a man that cares about you. His will be emply and he will have to live with that.
You can love the man you once loved, I do not think you love the inside of that man now. In life we often get confused when we have loved one so deeply. We love the illusion of the life we wanted and thought we had with that person. Open your eyes and see what life that man has given you. He has given you an ultimatum for your daughter,(very insinsitive), he has left you alone to raise your children(very selfish and uncaring)and has led you to believe you would be together someday(when HIS children were gone? Ouch! Double selfish! )Now a new woman and not telling you. See, you really can not love a man who has taken away 10 years of your life waiting for him while he used you. It is just a illusion of love. Yes, you can love what you had at one time, but that was a long time ago. Look to the future and pouring that love towards yourself, and meeting someone who knows what a good person you are and will love you in unselfish ways. Oh, you so deserve that. Even if you were to get back with him, I think you would feel some betrayal for what he did to you and you would find you do not even like the man.

Write down 10 qualities you want in a man. Does he have any of those qualities?

Guys, thanks.

Vil, yes too much focus on him - had I re-read my post I could have seen it!

WC - he knows which buttons to press and uses it to his advantage, always has.

BIM - yes you are correct in your statement, it's never made sense to me either.

K3 - What a wonderful way of putting things, I had never looked that far ahead, but all you say is perfectly true. I loved what was, not what he is now.
I would struggle for 10 qualities!

Once again, heartfelt thanks. X

"You can love the man you once loved, I do not think you love the inside of that man now. In life we often get confused when we have loved one so deeply. We love the illusion of the life we wanted and thought we had with that person."

Love it!! Love it!!

I just so hate it when my daughter comes back full of her weekend with her Dad.
So now he has a new four bed house in the country and his girlfriend really wants a hot tub in the garden so he's going to surprise her with one! Good God, we're his family and we didn't even get the drippings off his nose!!
What I wouldn't give to never hear about him again.

You don't want the drippings off the nose of this grub.
Stop worrying about him and what he is doing.

Who cares.
Stuff him.

It is about you and your kids.

I just so hate it when my daughter comes back full of her weekend with her Dad.
So now he has a new four bed house in the country and his girlfriend really wants a hot tub in the garden so he's going to surprise her with one! Good God, we're his family and we didn't even get the drippings off his nose!!!
What I wouldn't give to never hear about him again.

It would be nice not to hear of him again. My mother told me never to sleep with someone I did not want to know for the rest of my life. Children will always tie you together,so that is not going to be an option. Now, you have wasted for too much time and energy on this man. Put on your best and get out there and find someone who loves you and the two of you can have a nice house in the country and he will love you enough to give you your whim. Do not waste another thought for this man. His new girlfriend and he marry and she gets pregnant and he does not want it, she gets house and hot tub. He gets more child support and little apartment. No one knows the future. When someone uses others eventually it all comes tumbling home. Do not wish ill on someone, that is not good. Just wait.

Thanks K_3, I've wasted a lot of time and emotion. I like the bit about her getting the hot tub:) it's so true! I've realised that slowly things are improving, I don't think about him as much, it seems insignificant now as I don't actually think I have any feelings which is good.
Thanks skell, it's about me & the kids and we're OK and that's all that matters, he surely is a grub! X

Next time you start to get angry at what he has materially you should look at a photo of your son and think how lucky you are that you have a child who loves and repects you and sees right through your ex. That would have to make you feel better than a new bathtub anyday.

Point taken Chuff, it works too! :D

Hi kay.. its time that you have move on. This man is no good for you and apparently never was. If you let people use you then they will. This isn't love. No man that truly loves and respects a woman would ever do this to them. And although you say that you still love him are you sure that you really do? Or are you "loving" him in case that he does decide to come back. Im sorry that he wasn't there for you during your pregnancy with your daughter no man should make a woman choose between them and a child its not right and its not fair. For that mere fact would have made me forget him a long time ago. He is using you and does not love you. At least not enough to stay faithful. You're an attractive woman and you could do so much better sweetheart. Don't waste another minute on a man like this he doesn't deserve you.

Hi bizygurl,
It is time I truly believe that now. If I probe deep maybe after he gave me that choice it was dead and buried, I guess I kept it alive because I was scared.
No, he didn't love me or he would never have hurt me in such a cruel way.
It's time for me and my lovely little family to move on and find happiness without him. I'm now more at peace with myself and don't feel as tortured as a few months ago. My demons are leaving me slowly but surely and I hope there is a better life for me.
Everyone here has helped me find my path and put the past and him firmly where it belongs and I will always be grateful for that. X

That's wonderful Kay. Im happy that myself and others have been a help to you. That's what were here for. There is a better life for you and your on the right track. Good luck with everything.

You need to move on.

He was mean enough to make you choose between an

UNBORN CHILD

AND

A REALATIONSHIP with HIM.

Think wisely.

Move on, Forget him.

Find someone else, remember there are more than 1 guy in your state.

Peace!

Hoped i helped!

Hi gansada, I'm moving on and forgetting him and I must admit it is getting easier. It's great that there is no contact, and the fact that he's found that so easy just about proves what his feelings were for me. I think I'll give the dating game a miss for a while and concentrate on me.

Please do - and forget this guy, Ughhhhhhh!!

There are a lot of great guys out there - but take it SLOW - look for red flags. If you take your time you will find a great guy. Just be smarter about the situation - get stronger. Heal.

Hi WC,

Funnily enough your comment 'get smarter - get stronger' is precicely what my counsellor told me last week. I need to listen to my feelings instead of choosing to ignore them as I did when I met my husband. So although I knew what he was cabable of I chose not to listen to myself. A harsh lesson and a mistake that won't happen again. It's a matter of trusting myself.

Your situation is very difficult, I would say you should probably try to forget him too. I as you know, know that this is easier said than done. He has another woman though, that's horrible.

Hi wap, I think sometimes the fact that he has another woman helps me. It has meant that for the first time in 10 years I have had to let go. I look on it, as do my family, that he has done me a massive favour. It honestly is getting better. My daughter and I go on holiday on Tuesday and that is truly a massive step forward for me. Wish me luck!

Someone please help! I divorced my husband 10 years ago because he made me choose between my marriage and our unborn child. I choose our child and had a beautiful baby girl alone. Since then my ex has kept me on the back burner with promises that one day we will be together. Last weekend I discovered that another woman had been staying with him at weekends and he introduced her to our daughter, I'm devestated and don't know how to get through this. Our 18 year old son hasn't spoken to him for 3 years because of how he treats me, and he is giving this as the excuse for not being a family. We had a very bitter divorce and I went through pregnancy and birth alone just hoping that once he saw the baby he would change his mind but he has been dangling the carrot ever since. Trouble is I love him and can't see a future without him, but I also know I can't go on like this.
On my request we've not had contact for two months because it's worse when I see him, so he's picking up or daughter from my moms house. Help, I don't know where to go from here.:confused:

Why would you want to love someone who treats you like dirt?? He made his choice when he did not want your "beautify baby girl". It's been 10 years, he has moved on. Now it's your turn! Find someone who will love you and your children. Your x is not the guy.

Hi pegsue, I promise I will find someone who cherishes me and my kids, because we deserve the best, no more putting up with a man who treats me like dirt.

Why would you want to love someone who treats you like dirt??? He made his choice when he did not want your "beautify baby girl". It's been 10 years, he has moved on. Now it's your turn! Find someone who will love you and your children. Your x is not the guy.

Yes, he is obviously not worth your time and effort.. You will find someone who can appreciate you for who you are...

Thanks Geofferson, I hope so too.

I agree too, it is going to take time to get over the whole situation. There are various stages as you know. It sounds like this guy just keeps messing about. It seems that age doesn't make guys grow up and be responsible! Not all guys are the same though : ) I am trying to see all the positive things now, things in your life will be easier for you without him.

I found it easier to allow myself to feel the continued love I have for them but silmultaneously remember that the one I love is dysfunctional--meaning not capable of returning love in a healthy manner. That also requires (if I love myself, which I do) that I protect myself, usually by discontinuing the relationship or minimizing it as much as possible. I let go of the dream that they will change. I "distance myself with love", as they say in Al-Anon, so there is no bitterness on my part to sour my future relationships. It's a kind of strange forgiveness that is very freeing while not signing me up again for stuff like that-- from them or anyone else. Very worth the pain, that lesson, but it took time to see that in hindsight, Kay.

Hi wap, I agree, getting older doesn't mean growing up for some men!

Val, I remember from your earlier post what you said about allowing my feeling for him to stay the same, whilst at the same time distancing myself from him because he is dysfunctional. So far this seems to be working for me, as I have let go of the bitterness so that it doesn't harm me for future relationships but I know that just because I no longer feel that bitterness doesn't mean I'll let him use me again. Good advice indeed.

Atta girl! :o

Thanks, I'm well proud of myself... even if it has taken 10 years for the penny to drop!

Hi all, I've just returned from a wonderful restful holiday, my first in almost 6 years (that's what waiting around for your ex does for you!).
The only down side was I dreamt about him twice while I was away so I wasn't too happy with myself. They weren't good dreams, both were very final, but it felt like he was the unwelcome guest on my holiday. I hope this isn't a pattern that will continue as it really brings me down.

Time heals all wounds, every thing would be all right.. .
Just wait and watch. He would learn a lesson and would realize his mistake and would come back to you.

God bless u and your family.

Your dreams being "final dreams" could have been a way of saying goodbye and finishing off what you have been feeling. Dreams can be quite healing if we listen to them. You were not able to say to him in person what you wanted to say and you may have done it in a dream. Healing is on the way. You have come such a long way from the beginning of this post. It will only get better as you can see. A sad thought here and there but not all consuming. You have lived without him for 10 years, you have only lived with a belief that the two of you would be together. That was only a thought, an illusion. Nothing more. You have really lived without him for a long time, you are not saying goodby to him, as he has not been there. You are saying goodby to that illusion.

Hi K_3, I think it is finally saying farewell to the illusion. Yes physically I have lived without him for 10 years, it has all been in my head, he just kept that alive by contacting me periodically to make sure I was still alone.
It sounds a little nieve but it never occurred to me that we've not actually been together in all that time, I took his promises as true but again they were just illusions. I feel a little better after your post, thanks.

Just thought I would post today as I'm a little low. Ex is now in new house with new woman playing happy families with the daughter he never wanted and suddenly he's planning holidays for him, the girlfriend and our daughter. It's like he's suddenly cottoned on that he's a dad, but can't remember who mom is!
On the bright side he doesn't live round the corner anymore so I never have to see him:) Reading back through all the replies has helped today. X

The fastest way to unhappiness is to compare and then draw inappropriate and perhaps inaccurate conclusions from it -- bad science!! Consider is all a play in which the final curtain has not yet come and concentrate on writing the only part you can--- YOURS!! Where would you like to go today?

Hi Val, it occurred to me that the conclusions may be inaccurate, but then I'll never know and it should matter no longer. I can only write my own part and I know I have come an awful long way. Today I would like to go to a place where none of this has any relevance, I think I may get there too.

I think that you only want back what you had. But what you had is gone and gone forever. He has changed, you have changed and the thing you shared 10 years ago has completely disappeared. You will probably always love him. He will always be somebody special to you, as you are to him. But you need to realize that you can't bring back the past, even if you got back together with him now. Too many things have happened already.
I have been dumped one month ago by the girl I thought I would stay with for the rest of my life. It's hard, but now I have come to understand that the past is something that is done and will never return. I also still love her with all my heart but I don't want her back. I want back what we had and that is something impossible.

You need to forget about him, the man he is right now. You don't need to forget about the man he was. Sadly enough, people change and so will you once you let it go.

I wish you all the best

Hey its party time and you have things to do and people to see. Where's the bingo hall. Call a best friend and tell her/him meet you at the Casbah,
Don't be sad, don't feel low.
Call ahead and get it to go!
Now shake that thang and conquer the world:D

Thanks tal, I'm off to a night class and then tomorrow some late night retail therapy... such a busy life. X

I'm just voicing my thoughts on another subject but I thought I'd post it here as my past may be relevant.

Whilst I was expecting my daughter and hubby didn't want to know I had a male friend at work who was wonderfully supportive and although we no longer work together, we have remained great friends. My ex knew that he was helping me at the time but basically he wouldn't have cared if Tom Cruise was helping out.

He has recently asked me out on a date (my friend, not Tom Cruise :D ). I know he has loved me for many years but he knew that I was waiting around for my no-hoper ex and I've always been truthful with him.
I love him dearly as a friend but have never considered him as a partner because there is no sexual spark there. We get on really well, he's kind, considerate and everything my hubby wasn't and he's told me he wants to look after me.

My question is, can solid relationships be borne out of friendship?

Absolutely!! I married my best friend. We were friends growing up. His father was my father's best friend. His grandmother was best friends with my grandmother. And we just became friends. There was no pressure from our families for us to be together... it just sort of happened. Now we are married and trying to have children. He is still my best friend.

Yes. Give it a chance and just take it slow. After what you have been through with this ex, a best friend type of guy is what you need.

I think they can, as I married my best female friend, but time is the best indication of where a friendship will lead. You know what we say here all the time 'Go slow and take the time to get to know each other, What's the hurry any way?' When two friends get together and commit to each other, they seem to make solid relationships, in my opinion as long as they are both MATURE at the same place and time and both work very hard to maintain that relationship.

Hi all,
I just needed to post today because my Nan has died. It's just a time when I would normally have my ex on hand having know him for 23 years, being familiar with each others families.

I've maintained no contact for around 3 months and it's been the best thing I've ever done to promote healing, so I'll not be letting myself down. You've all been so supportive that this is the best alternative to breaking the 'no contact' rule that has helped me so much.

I am very sorry for your loss Kay. You have my sincere condolences.

Sorry for your loss, that's a real shame. I hope you are OK x

Hi all,
I just needed to post today because my Nan has died. It's just a time when I would normally have my ex on hand having know him for 23 years, being familiar with each others families.

I've maintained no contact for around 3 months and it's been the best thing I've ever done to promote healing, so I'll not be letting myself down. You've all been so supportive that this is the best alternative to breaking the 'no contact' rule that has helped me so much.

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss, my deepest condolences.

I think you would definitely be doing the right thing by not breaking the progress yhou have made so far, as hard as it may be.

Take Care.

So sorry for your loss Kay.

I went through the same thing just a couple of weeks ago.

And it is hard yes. The person you have always had as your support is not there and it opens up a whole lot of emotions.

But trust me when I say it is a huge stepping stone and lesson for you.

Sadly a tragedy like this and the resulting hardship that one goes through will teach you some wonderful lessons about yourself.

I know it did me. I thought I needed my ex to get through it, to cry to, to hold. Well I didn't have her and I got through it and I feel so much stronger for the experience.

It is so sad that we have to lose a loved one in order to learn such a lesson but please stay strong and realise that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you all for your kind words.

Geoff, I know I cannot break my progress, it would crucify me to give in now, I think also it would give him much satisfaction.

Skell, hard is an understatement, grief makes you needier somehow, wanting to reach out to the person who means most to me but knowing I can't. I am sure I will get through this without him, I've done lots without him so it's just one more thing to add to a long list.
I promise you I'll stay strong, and hope I soon see that light at the end of the tunnel.

I am sorry for your loss. You have plenty of other support other than your X.

I do have lots of support from family and friends, that's very true.

Someone at work asked me today if my ex was coming to the funeral. I replied that as far as I know he didn't even know that my Nan has passed away.
She said that I was taking the cowards way out by having no contact with him, and that eventually because we had children together I would have to face him.

She didn't say it spitefully, and I did explain that maybe if I did ever have to face him again it wouldn't matter to me any more, but it has made me question whether I am a coward?

You made a choice 10 years ago. Look at you daughter and decide for yourself if you made the right choice. I promise you, you did. Now take that choice with you and move on. I had a realationship out of wedlock and raised my daughter myself. My girlfriend at the time would not stop seeing other guys. I moved away and got on with my life. I am sure she regrets the choice she made, but that is no diffrence to me now. I have a beautiful loving wife who loves all of our children. That will happen to you with another if you would move on.

Thanks inChrist, I know I made the right decision, even in my darkest hour. I hope my future is brighter.

I have a date tonight. Thing is, it's been on my mind all day - or to be honest my ex hubby has been on my mind all day, and I'm not sure if it's connected to the fact that I have this date. I know he's a complete jerk and he's abandoned our family without a glance back so I don't know why I feel this way. Even though I would like answers from him I know I'm not going to get them because lying is second nature to him. This man is the only man I've ever slept with, the man I thought would be with me for life. Maybe I'm just not ready to date yet, but that's scary too!

He is on your mind, you are not on his... he is controlling you, and you are allowing it to proceed.

Go out on your date, Don't TALK ABOUT EX at all... if the subject comes up in conversation initiated by your date, keep it short and change the subject. If all goes well you will have plenty of time in the future to say whatever you need to. The first second third date with the same person is not the time. If things look like they are going somewhere then its time to let the new BF know. Keep high morals and expect the same of your date.

Is the date with somebody you've known for awhile, or a new acquaintance? It's good that you're broadening your range, but be cautious and go slow. You're in the early stages of grief--generally not a good time to start a brand new relationship, especially when you're still spending so much emotional energy on your ex. I'm not saying don't do it, just be extra careful, especially if you don't have a long-term friendship with this person, OK? Just a thought. I could be wrong--have been before.

Hey Kay, your going on a date, not getting married. Have FUN. Be home before the street lights come on!! (lol, couldn't resist, SORRY)

Thanks for your replies; inChrist - yes I'm again allowing him to control me, thanks for pointing that out, it sure sobers me up!

Ordinary guy - I've know him a very long time and he's aware of what we've been through as a family so there will be no mention of the ex. I know he has deep feeling for me and I just don't want to let him down.

Tal- you're right, it's only a date! And I'm usually in bed before the street lights come on - hope I don't turn into a pumpkin!

Has anyone ever had one of those moment of clarity when you realise that no matter how much you may want to be back withyour ex, you know for certain that you're better off apart?

Today when he dropped our daughter back at my moms, mom told him about my nan passing away and his answer was 'she was hanging on a bit too long' - it so upset my mom, how insensitive can you get. He then added a parting shot 'tell Kay that Meg (our daughter) needs some new trainers, these are disgusting.' What a lovely person.

Wait until you get to the point where you wonder what the attraction was in the first place. When you slap yourself, don't have anything in your hand.:D

Hi all, happy 2007! Hope Christmas and new year was as lovely as possible for all of you.

I had a better time than I expected but there have been a few developments.

My son, who as you know hasn't spoken to his Dad in over 3 years, informed me yesterday that he has applied to change his surname to my maiden name. I'm not really surprised and it's his free choice, I just think it's sad. I also think my ex's family will do their usual thing and blame me.

My ex sister-in-law has called me to say that my ex mother-in-law is suffering from depression due to my son not wanting to see her. Firstly, this lady also abandoned me when I was pregnant with my daughter and hasn't spoken to me since and secondly there is little I can do to help considering my son has a very strong mind of his own.
His Dad wrote him a short note at Christmas saying that he was sorry mistakes had been made. My son's reaction was to say it wasn't about their relationship anymore, but about how he'd seen me treated. That made me feel quite proud.

Last but not least I've always had to fight to get any annual raise in child maintenance from the ex, but have noticed that now that we have no contact he has automatically paid more this month.

I don't know what to make of all these developments - I just hope the last one isn't a ploy to get me to contact him because that is something I cannot face.

Happy New Year! I'm sorry about you lost your Nan... that's a tough part of life.
Now, don't get me wrong here, and I don't mean to sound harsh... but, hey... you got to get over your ex! He's dissed you in so many ways! OMGosh, it's just sad to think of how he has treated you from the get go! You have to wipe him out of your life, and move on. The longer you hang onto dreams, and thoughts, and all the crap that he dished out to you, the longer you're going to be controlled by him. If he pays you support, atta boy to him. Use that money for raising your children, and don't worry about your ex. Life is too short. Just move on, get on with it, and get over him!
Take care girl!

If it were me, I wouldn't even let him see the child that he never wanted.
Sounds like to me that he was having an affair and looking for
A way out and that is probably why he freaked out about the pregnancy in
The first place. I know it hurts to loose someone you love so much, but you
Will evidentually get over it and be happy again!

Hello, thanks for your comments. Pegsue, yes time to move on. So what if he's upped the payments? I'll take the money and run, as you say for me to keeping thinking about it is for him to still have control, and he's not worth that.
Mkelly, I wish he didn't have to see my daughter, life would be easier. It's ironic that he didn't want her yet she's the only child he has now. My son is over the moon with his new name, it's like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders - he has taught me a lot.

As they say, what goes around comes around. A life without my son would not be a happy one.

You have come far Kay, keep strong : )

Thanks Wap, I think I have too - all thanks to you and the great people on AMHD. You're doing great too, keep strong. X

His Dad wrote him a short note at Christmas saying that he was sorry mistakes had been made. My son's reaction was to say it wasn't about their relationship anymore, but about how he'd seen me treated. That made me feel quite proud.

I think you have every reason to feel proud of your son. He obviously has a good head on his shoulders and is able to judge situations well. Forgiveness is an important quality to have but he is obviously not ready for this and his decision to change his surname to your maiden name shows that he wants to stand by you regardless of his father's attempts to apologise. This is a good thing and I expect it was somewhat hard for your son to make that decision.

Here's looking at 2007 being a great year for you and your son and in fact for everyone.

Hi Geoff, yes I think it must have been very hard for him. I was very close to my father but he died at a very young age. I remember him supporting me through all my achievements and sorrows and I feel hurt that my son never had that from his own father.
He is a strong willed young man with the courage of his convictions, and for that I greatly admire him. Had I found a tiny bit of his courage, this situation would have died a death a long time ago.
2007 here we all come!

Hi all, just a quick question really, you've seen me through so many emotions can I ask just a little more help?

Is it normal to still feel a little resentment when I get to hear of some of the things ex hubby has planned? He's taking his new squeeze on a cruise in March. Don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous and I don't want to go back but when we were together I often asked if it was something we could do as a family and he always said that he didn't fancy the idea. So why now? Why couldn't he do it with his family? It seems that he is living all the dreams I had. Sorry for banging on, but I don't like this feeling and I don't quite know how to handle it.

Kay every time you hear that your ex has farted you will feel pangs of resentments. That is normal and human. Somedays will be better and some will be pretty damn bad , but know you will get over it. Let him fart all he wants.

Kay everytime you hear that your ex has farted you will feel pangs of resentments. That is normal and human. Somedays will be better and some will be pretty damn bad , but know you will get over it. Let him fart all he wants.


Very well spoken, let him fart until he turns blue... Kay, you must see by now that he is now, and has been for the last many years a miserable old fool who realizes he truly has nothing and has to pretend he has something, so he buys them. He bought a house, he bought a fancy tub, he bought a cruise and this is how he continues to buy his tart of a girlfriend... pathetic really. He will never fill that void, ever. You are rich in comparison with your son and daughter by your side!

T- tried to rep you, still rollin'

Tal, you made me laugh - yes I do resent him farting:D
Momincali - I do feel rich indeed, thanks for making me see what rich really means. X

With the relationship you have with your kids ,your ex will be spending a lot of money, and never have what he really wants. You think he isn't jealous of you?

Kay, you have so much to look forward to. First, the full realization of how pathetic and desperate he's being; then, the wave of relief as you realize that it has nothing at all to do with you, it's out of your life entirely, and you haven't thought about him in days.

It is normal to have little resentments pop up when he does things now that you would have liked to do. It has nothing to do with you. Nothing to do with this new woman. It is a different time in his life and he wants to do these things now. When he was younger and with you he did not, whether it was for financial reasons or that he was not ready yet, who knows. The fact is, he is still the same person inside. He may have bought a house, hot tub, trips, that is all superficial. He is still the person that rejected you and his children. We can all change where we live, the clothes we wear and where we go and what we do and even our hairdo. The fact of the matter is, we are still the same sheet of paper we started with. His children will never hold him dear to their hearts nor will they respect him or ever have a close relationship with him. You have a house full of love, warmth a hot tub could never give and memories of your children that a cruise could never replace. You are blessed. He is searching.

Tal, yes I think he is jealous of the relationships I have with the special people in my life, I only wanted him to enjoy being one of them, he didn't want to be.

Ordinary guy, does him living such a full life show he's pathetic and desperate, is he just trying to out-play me because I took our kids on holiday last year? You're right about one thing, he's out of my life for the first time in 20 years - it's hard to adjust to but it sure is an easier life.

K_3 - I certainly am blessed and yes he is the same person he always was. Perhaps he is still searching, I just don't know what for anymore.

Just bumping this up friends, I'm having such a tearful day for some reason.

A couple of us have felt low this week Kay. Chin up, keep as strong as you can : )

Yes, I have had a couple of down days but like Wap has said to me, I think it is o.k to have moments of weakness or down times, it is only natural. Keep your head up high and know that the down days will become few and far between the longer that time moves on.

We will all be in a better place soon : ) and be stronger for it

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. Here's hoping that better place is just around the corner. X

Hmmm, does that mean its time to shop until you drop?

T- Was that a rhetorical question? It's always time my man!

I know my wife and daughter are so long gone.

Oh yes Tal, shop till I drop is definitely on the cards! Not only that but lots of plans for home improvements which should keep me busy until the next millennium! Feeling better already!

Kay, I hope things are picking up for you today and I hope you were able to shop until the salesman dropped. It's funny how that works for us.

I was kind of bummed out the other day cause I wasn't able to go to a school competition my daughter had been preparing for because I am recovering from gall bladder surgery. I felt so sad cause I wanted to be there for her. So, I put a nice note in her backpack and she called me when she got it. Then my hubby called me from time to time to give me a play by play and it helped. Well, I got my handy dandy laptop and shopped eBay until they came home. I didn't go nuts buying stuff, but I did find a really cool gift for my daughter and that really lifted my spirits. I also downloaded some itunes she'd been wanting on her laptop and surprised her that way. Shopping saved the day once more...

She came in 2nd place in regionals in a graphic arts design and engineering. Yaaaay!!

Yes Mom, I bought a pair of shoes (one can never have too many shoes :D ) that I'll probably wear once because they're too high! Some fab jeans for my growing up fast daughter and last but not least, a bathroom suite! So perhaps the DIY is a little optimistic and I'll have to hire a man that can.

How upsetting to miss your daughters competition, but you did have a real good excuse. Hope you're on the road to recovery now. What a clever girl, how proud you must be!

Hi,
Learn to love from far; you cannot change feelings. Life will be easier for yourself . I completely relate ; in a different kind of way!

I'm thinking of starting a new thread "Why does shopping lift a females spirits" Or "How come there is no evidence of a female ever dropping while shopping." or " Whats in your wallet.....................nuthin' honey"

I'm thinking of starting a new thread "Why does shopping lift a females spirits" Or "How come there is no evidence of a female ever dropping while shopping." or " Whats in your wallet.....................nuthin' honey"
I'm reminded of the joke about the woman who was all excited about the dress she got on sale. Telling her husband about it, she said "Look, honey, I saved thirty dollars on this dress. What should I do with the money I saved?" He said, "Show it to me."

Come on lads give us a break, it's not about money, its about therapy :D

An odd thing has just happened. We are experiencing heavy snow in our area and as my ex was late picking up my daughter and mom wasn't home she asked him to pull up outside my house and sound his horn so that Meg could just go out to him. Not a great plan, but I was left with no choice.

Well, not five minutes ago he walked in my house uninvited as if nothing was wrong. Luckily I was upstairs getting ready for a night out. I don't know what he was trying to achieve but I'm so glad I didn't see him! Now I know why I don't trust him to come here!

I'm thinking of starting a new thread "Why does shopping lift a females spirits" Or "How come there is no evidence of a female ever dropping while shopping." or " Whats in your wallet.....................nuthin' honey"

T- Come on now... when we're at home and you're sitting around watching basketball, baseball, soccer or whatever, and we can't stop talking about this and that, don't get much more than a "oh" and "aha" and then SUDDENLY we say we're going shopping you turn around, smile big:D and say, "okay babe, I'll see you later, have fun, oh and don't worry about comin home to make dinner, I'll order pizza with the fellas!" Hmmmmmmm...

Oh, and no, we don't actually drop, that's why we're supposed to "shop til we drop" cause this way we never have to stop... get it?? It's a retail therapy marathon worth every penny, for your sanity as well as ours!

Just one of my many talents Tal!! ;)

I agree with you Val.

Kay, self love begins with you. When you value yourself and hold yourself up as worthy of healthy and abiding love, you will give up on this man. You need to affirm to yourself that you are giving and beautiful and worthy of anything good that God has in store for you. Your life cannot get better without your full participation.

You made a good start by ceasing contact with the inconsiderate and unloving man. There is no decent defense for what he put your family through and he is most unworthy of you and yours.

Truly, when you start seeing your beauty, others will too. Beauty gravitates from inside all of us, when we allow it to flow. It is necessary to cut out the disease that we have before welcomed into our lives in order to make our lives better and for the beauty to show itself.

You owe it to your children to make better choices. If you have put up with garbage being slung at you,( not literal), then what chance will they have with their future relationships. The most important part of good parenting is example. All the words you tell your kids about their worth will mean nothing if you don't follow it.

Blessings to you sweetie, you are worth so much more than what your ex has valued you at. Reflect on this for a time, and your love may just slip away. I pray for your release from bondage. Blessings again.

Thank you sexy for your kind words.

I'm slowly being released from that bondage and am amazed at how differently I feel. The no contact rule has been my saviour, not as a punishment for him but as healing time for me. It truly works as a powerful medicine to allow body and soul to recover from trauma such as this.

Of course such wonderful advice from the people here is also a contributing factor. I am in a better place and am hopeful for the future.

It's my ex-hubby's birthday today. I've had 23 years of sending cards, presents and planning romantic meals... and this year I've done nothing. It's another hurdle I've climbed, but it has left me feeling really empty and down today. :(

Its okay to feel that way, because you know that the feeling will pass. To help it along, do something nice for yourself on this beautiful Sunday afternoon.

You are quite right Tal, the feeling has passed.

Now its raining here, thanks:eek:

Ah, I passed my mood onto the weather... the sun will be out again soon, I promise :)

Someone please help! I divorced my husband 10 years ago because he made me choose between my marriage and our unborn child. I choose our child and had a beautiful baby girl alone. Since then my ex has kept me on the back burner with promises that one day we will be together. Last weekend I discovered that another woman had been staying with him at weekends and he introduced her to our daughter, I'm devestated and don't know how to get through this. Our 18 year old son hasn't spoken to him for 3 years because of how he treats me, and he is giving this as the excuse for not being a family. We had a very bitter divorce and I went through pregnancy and birth alone just hoping that once he saw the baby he would change his mind but he has been dangling the carrot ever since. Trouble is I love him and can't see a future without him, but I also know I can't go on like this.
On my request we've not had contact for two months because it's worse when I see him, so he's picking up or daughter from my moms house. Help, I don't know where to go from here.:confused:
Give him time to understand that his life will fall apart f he does not give his family a second chance. His daughter will never have a dad and will not be able to wear those shirts that say "DADDYS LITEL GIRL" and his son wil never talk to him and a father uis supposed to be a role model for is sonm . He will look up to him if he gived you a chance. For you the best advise i can give you is that u need to let alll this comotion and mybe it will sink in

If you read these13 pages you will find the situation has progressed quite a bit.

Oh dear, another hurle to jump. Ex-hubby has departed on a caribbean cruise today. When I arrived home from work my sister-in-law called me to tell me that he will be getting married on board ship. He's not even told his daughter. What a silly fool I've been, how could I have not seen this coming. :(

What a silly fool I've been, how could I have not seen this coming. :(
There's no reason why you should have seen it coming if your attention is on other things, which is where it belongs. You're no fool. He's the fool. Let him be. Think elsewhere.

You may care for a minute but really what difference will it really make in your life? None at all!! Shopping anyone?? Spring clearance.

Come on Kay - I saw it coming from your posts. You had to have.

Let him go!! Once and for all!!

I guess I just have a mixture of feelings, sadness mixed with anger. This time last year we were dating, then in the space of 8 short months he meets someone and gives her everything that I ever wanted. He told me he would never marry again as I'd put him off women for life.

I know he never wanted a family and so when our son came along unexpectedly he felt pressured into marriage, yet this marriage seems like a bit of a fairytale.


His behaviour seems bizarre and out of character, maybe I never really knew him at all.

Kay, I have come and read the thread as you requested. There are so many thoughts running around in my head. I can see that you are still having a difficult time letting go. I guess the big question that you need to ask yourself is why? You claim it is because you love him, but I don't see that at all. You claim he kept dangling a carrot, but whatever could that be? He told you that he would never marry again because you had put him off women for life! Sounds like there was more to the breakup than your pregnancy.

Regardless, he has made a life for himself without you, and you need to do the same. Forgive me, but from what I have read, I just don't see you making the effort to move on. You have been divorced, 10 or 11 years now? How many men have you dated in that time? Is it possible that the reason you hang on to this romantized version of your ex is because you are AFRAID to move on?

I know what it is like to love someone so bad that it hurts. I know what it is like to lose that person. You will never replace the love that you had with your ex, but you have both grown, aged, changed over the years - and you have done it in different ways because you have been apart. Sadly, you are emotionally where you were ten years ago. In order to grow past that you must take risks. It's funny, you know. As I read your posts I am quite sure about one thing. You don't even LIKE your ex!! You love what he WAS, not what he is.

I think that not having contact was a good move for now. Hopefully you will move beyond that, partly for the sake of your children and partly for you. I am afraid that one day your son's anger may transfer back to you for not moving on. I am really afraid of the messages you are sending to your daughter. She is getting close to dating age. What happens if she feels there is only one guy in her life that she can love? What happens to her when her first 'love' ends things with her? Have you modelled to her that the best way to deal with a broken heart is to fill it up again? (Maybe you have, I don't know. I am not attacking, but wondering.)

You know there is more than one person out there that you can love. You also know that there are many, many men that could fall in love with you. So, what are you waiting for gal?? Are you just so afraid to love that it is immobilizing you?

Even if you never fall in love again, you need to realize that these feelings for this man are not truly for who and what he is now. You are mourning... grieving his loss, but you have been doing so for over 10 years! I think it's time to bury him. You are allowed to be happy, you know! Let go of your fears, guilt and insecurities and start to live.

It might be a real valuable thing for you to see a therapist and explore what it is that you are afraid of that is so very bad that you cling to something that no longer exists. I believe that you are going through most of the motions, and that is good. However, they are just motions. How about taking some risks?

Just a thought - have you experienced any other losses that made you grieve this long or hard? There may be a connection.

Good luck to you hon. I see you have a tremendous amount of support here, and that's good. I have also seen, while reading the thread that you are allowing a little more of you sadness and anger out - another positive sign. Maybe you are afraid of being angry? I do hope you can figure it out because you sound like such an intelligent, caring, loving, thoughtful person. You deserve to be loved to pieces by someone special. I hope you find it, but, more than anything, I hope you find peace with this situation.

Hugs,
Didi

Hi didi, thanks for taking time to reply.

I guess there was more to it than my pregnancy. I fell pregnant within 12 months of meeting him, he claimed he never wanted children but he never wanted to be responsible for contraception either, I had a bad reaction to the pill and hey presto, one baby on the way.
Shortly before our son was born I lost my father unexpectedly, I was unable to attend his funeral as he was buried on the day our son was born, I can honestly say I've never overcome that loss. At the time my hubby wasn't too supportive, telling me that crying wouldn't bring him back and I had to pull myself together. My mom and sister were mourning too and I developed post-natal depression, it was a dark time indeed.

When I fell pregnant the second time, it was his excuse to get out, he wanted to live the single life anyway and he knew having two children would restrict him. The reason he was so bitter about it is because he thought we would sell the house and have half the proceeds each, but the judge awarded it to me, and for that he has never forgiven me.

All that to one side, as the why's and wherefore's are no longer relevant, you are right in saying that I don't like my ex and I'm afraid to move forward, and this is what has held me back. Loving someone means putting your heart at risk. It sounds so foolish really, so obvious, yet people hurt everyday and survive.
I guess now I have to be prepared to take that risk, because what am I waiting for? I think I have a funeral to arrange. :D Thank you to everyone who has contributed to this post, you really have seen me through the most desperate of times, without you there would be no light at the end of the tunnel. X

I know I don't have so much experience in life,but still I will advice you to live for your child and forget about him and continue your normal live,I know it's hard but still thnk for your child now

I remember this like it was 3 years ago.