I have an 18 year old son who has had legal problems, drug problems, has a 3 month old daughter, is back and forth with his relationship with the mother of his daughter. He is doing better now but can't keep a job...

The love of my life, my boyfriend from 28 years ago, he is 54 and I am 48, wants me to get married and move to Kentucky from PA. The thing is is that I have been through so much with my son and just want to leave and spend the rest of my life with the love of my life. I don't want to turn my back on my son but he does not follow the rules of his probation, is abusing drugs again, not motivated to find a job. I know I have been enabling my son by providing for all his needs. Could I live with myself if I left him on his own? He is smart, capable but lacks motivation... What do I do?

My life has been a living hell with him the last few years and I have a chance at happiness and am miserable working to support my 18 year old son and being alone. Am I being selfish to expect some happiness with the man of my dreams?

Cut the apron strings mom and find happiness for yourself. Could be this is a good thing for him. Not having you around to support him will, I hope, be a wake up call for maturity.

Tick

Yes a difficult one for you I agree! I'm asuming his dads not on the scene. But does he have any friends or other support. Pvresumably he must have a probation officer that should be keeping eye on him, and could be housed by youth offenders which often happens if they can't live at home for one or other reason. It may be that it could be good to make him stand on his own feet with the above support. Because it doesn't sound as though what's happening at the moment in his life is making him change. He will only change when he wants to or reaches rock bottom, no matter what you do for him. Does he have siblings or not. And does he want to see his daughter? If that incentive doesn't help think maybe you should spk to youth offenders or probation officer and let them know of your intentions. You should be able to enjoy your life as well and not go without this happiness you have found. But if you do go to america will it work with all the worry you are going to feel back home, you don't say where your are at present but there is still email skype and video phone links to keep in touch.

Cut the apron strings mom and find happiness for yourself. Could be this is a good thing for him. Not having you around to support him will, I hope, be a wake up call for maturity.

tick

Thank you for your thoughts... I hear this from a lot of my friends also... I haven't dated much for the last 12 years and devoted my life to raising him, I have a second chance at happiness and don't want to let that go... thanks for the cut the apron strings comment, I needed to hear that!

yes a difficult one for you i agree! im asuming his dads not on the scene. but does he have any friends or other support. pvresumably he must have a probation officer that should be keeping eye on him, and could be housed by youth offenders which often happens if they can't live at home for one or other reason. it may be that it could be good to make him stand on his own feet with the above support. because it doesnt sound as though whats happening at the moment in his life is making him change. he will only change when he wants to or reaches rock bottom, no matter what you do for him. does he have siblings or not. and does he want to see his daughter? if that incentive doesnt help think maybe you should spk to youth offenders or probation officer and let them know of your intentions. you should be able to enjoy your life aswell and not go without this happiness you have found. but if you do go to america will it work with all the worry you are going to feel back home, you dont say where your are at present but there is still email skype and video phone links to keep in touch.

His father is in the picture but hasn't been for many years... We live in PA, Kentucky is only a 10 hour drive... he has no siblings, unfortunately friends who lack the motivation to grow up themselves also... Loves his daughter dearly but girlfirend and him have lots of issues, always fight etc... always drama here when I spend weekends with my boyfriend, he took a job to be close to me but it is not long term, I feel so happy and peaceful, hate to come home always drama... stupid drama... I am 48 and feel like a kid... I really don't want to be here and am tired of mothering this child. I have tried to step back as much as I could, wrote long letters outlining what I expect of him but did not give him a time table... ughhhhh

Sounds like a typical teenage nightmare situation. Maybe his father should take some re sponsibility as well if he's in the picture. Ten hours isn't far away, thought maybe you were leaiving country. There's lots of them in england too. Called 'kippers' kids in parents pockets eroding retirement savings! Don't want to grow up living of parents and not paying their way.
Too easy for them with mums around. Don't know rules in USA but if got probation officer leave them with problem. And move on with your happiness. Good luck.

I just wanted to tell you my story. My mother and I always fought. I was always in and out of trouble with the law and with her. I never listened to anything that she told me and I was going down the wrong path.

When I was 18 she kicked me out of her house and I move to CA from TX. I ended up getting pregnant and having my child. Two months after I had her, I left her dad because of his abuse. At that time I was 19 years old. When I called my mom to help me, she told me that she didn't tell me to move out to CA and told me to figure it out on my own and hung up on me.

I didn't talk to her for a year or so after that, but I also grew up. I knew that I only had me and I was the only one who was there to take care of my daughter. Right then and there my life did a 360. I started going to church and changing my ways. Now, 4 years later, I am doing great. I am almost done with college, I have a house and I am supporting my daughter fully by myself. My mom is also my best friend now.

If it wouldn't have been for my mom showing me tough love and cutting the rope, then I wouldn't be where or who I am today. I thank my mom everyday for eveything that she has done for me and that she was the best mom for telling me to figure it out on my own. It made me grow up and see what life was really about. She started helping me out when she saw that I was working two jobs and going to school full-time being a single mother, but before I worked on bettering my life she wouldn't help me.

So, my advice for you is to show him tough love and do what makes YOU happy, not him. He is an adult now and the decisions that he makes shouldn't effect your life and make you miserable. He needs to figure out life and sometimes you have to hit rock bottom in order to start changing. I know that it will be hard, but at least you aren't that far away in case he really needs you. Good luck and you will be in my prayers.

Go be with him.
Your being there for his son isn't going to fix or change him all that much. He is going to do what he is going to do until he learns for himself and wakes up on his own.

Enabling and worry doesn't do one bit of good.

I just wanted to tell you my story. My mother and I always fought. I was always in and out of trouble with the law and with her. I never listened to anything that she told me and I was going down the wrong path.

When I was 18 she kicked me out of her house and I move to CA from TX. I ended up getting pregnant and having my child. Two months after I had her, I left her dad because of his abuse. At that time I was 19 years old. When I called my mom to help me, she told me that she didn't tell me to move out to CA adn told me to figure it out on my own and hung up on me.

I didn't talk to her for a year or so after that, but I also grew up. I knew that I only had me and I was the only one who was there to take care of my daughter. Right then and there my life did a 360. I started going to church and changing my ways. Now, 4 years later, I am doing great. I am almost done with college, I have a house and I am supporting my daughter fully by myself. My mom is also my best friend now.

If it wouldn't have been for my mom showing me tough love and cutting the rope, then I wouldn't be where or who I am today. I thank my mom everyday for eveything that she has done for me and that she was the best mom for telling me to figure it out on my own. It made me grow up and see what life was really about. She started helping me out when she saw that I was working two jobs and going to school full-time being a single mother, but before I worked on bettering my life she wouldn't help me.

So, my advice for you is to show him tough love and do what makes YOU happy, not him. He is an adult now and the decisions that he makes shouldn't effect your life and make you miserable. He needs to figure out life and sometimes you have to hit rock bottom in order to start changing. I know that it will be hard, but at least you aren't that far away in case he really needs you. Good luck and you will be in my prayers.

Thank you so much you dear young woman for replying to me with your invaluable advice. It appears I have been getting the same from family and friends. I am SOOO proud of you for your achievements and wish you continued success with you and your daughter... you are an incredibly remarkable young woman to have gone so far and to take the time out of your busy schedule to help this 49 year old woman who is old enough to be your mother means the world to me... Peace, Love and Light, Karen

Thank you so much you dear young woman for replying back to me with your invaluable advice. It appears I have been getting the same from family and friends. I am SOOO proud of you for your achievements and wish you continued success with you and your daughter...you are an incredibly remarkable young woman to have gone so far and to take the time out of your busy schedule to help this 49 year old woman who is old enough to be your mother means the world to me...Peace, Love and Light, Karen

No problem, I just wanted to let you know that once teenagers hit "adult" hood, they think that they know everything. Reality has to hit them smack dab in the face before they will wake up and say oh sh*t, my mom was right! I look back at the things that my mom used to tell me and at the time I thought that she was so dumb, but now, I totally understand what she was talking about.

As long as you have raised that child right, he will end up right in the end. You at least gave him a fighting chance by actually caring about him and putting him first for so long! A lot of parents don't do that for their child and it is sad, but you have and all of your hard work will pay off when it is all said and done. Just remember that there is always light at the end of the tunnel, and that it may be really hard to show tough love. He may hate you at the time, but later in life he will thank you. I thank my mom everyday almost. Good luck and I will pray for God to give you strength to do this and for him to give your son wisdom. God bless.

... yep and often reality doesn't smack kids when mommy is there to pick up the pieces.

:(:(:(
I just wanted to tell you my story. My mother and I always fought. I was always in and out of trouble with the law and with her. I never listened to anything that she told me and I was going down the wrong path.

When I was 18 she kicked me out of her house and I move to CA from TX. I ended up getting pregnant and having my child. Two months after I had her, I left her dad because of his abuse. At that time I was 19 years old. When I called my mom to help me, she told me that she didn't tell me to move out to CA adn told me to figure it out on my own and hung up on me.

I didn't talk to her for a year or so after that, but I also grew up. I knew that I only had me and I was the only one who was there to take care of my daughter. Right then and there my life did a 360. I started going to church and changing my ways. Now, 4 years later, I am doing great. I am almost done with college, I have a house and I am supporting my daughter fully by myself. My mom is also my best friend now.

If it wouldn't have been for my mom showing me tough love and cutting the rope, then I wouldn't be where or who I am today. I thank my mom everyday for eveything that she has done for me and that she was the best mom for telling me to figure it out on my own. It made me grow up and see what life was really about. She started helping me out when she saw that I was working two jobs and going to school full-time being a single mother, but before I worked on bettering my life she wouldn't help me.

So, my advice for you is to show him tough love and do what makes YOU happy, not him. He is an adult now and the decisions that he makes shouldn't effect your life and make you miserable. He needs to figure out life and sometimes you have to hit rock bottom in order to start changing. I know that it will be hard, but at least you aren't that far away in case he really needs you. Good luck and you will be in my prayers.
:( Now I come home from a weekend with my boyfriend and find vials of pills and a straw, one is skelaxin and one is ultram the other is xanax, he takes medication, including Klonipin for a seizure disorder that startd last year, wndering if this snorting drugs has caused it//?. and also an empty bottle of rum... and an email talking about xanax... Do I try and help this kid and get him in rehab, he always smoked pot, after he was arrested in March, I never realized how much, so now with the drug tests from the probation officer, I just don't know what the hell he is trying to do. Do I try to get him in rehab or kick him out?

[QUOTE=kayemak;1875095]I have an 18 year old son who has had legal problems, drug problems, has a 3 month old daughter, is back and forth with his relationship with the mother of his daughter. He is doing better now but can't keep a job...

The love of my life, my boyfriend from 28 years ago, he is 54 and I am 48, wants me to get married and move to Kentucky from PA. The thing is is that I have been through so much with my son and just want to leave and spend the rest of my life with the love of my life. I don't want to turn my back on my son but he does not follow the rules of his probation, is abusing drugs again, not motivated to find a job. I know I have been enabling my son by providing for all his needs. Could I live with myself if I left him on his own? He is smart, capable but lacks motivation... What do I do?

My life has been a living hell with him the last few years and I have a chance at happiness and am miserable working to support my 18 year old son and being alone. Am I being selfish to expect some happiness with the man of my dreams?

Monday July 27, Now I come home from a weekend with my boyfriend, my son tells me he is going to bed and I hear him sneak out at 10"30 so I look through the house and find vials of pills and a straw, one is skelaxin and one is ultram the other is xanax, he takes medication, including Klonipin for a seizure disorder that startd last year, wndering if this snorting drugs has caused it//?. and also an empty bottle of rum... and an email talking about xanax... Do I try and help this kid and get him in rehab, he always smoked pot, after he was arrested in March, I never realized how much, so now with the drug tests from the probation officer, I just don't know what the hell he is trying to do. Do I try to get him in rehab or kick him out?

...yep and often reality doesn't smack kids when mommy is there to pick up the pieces.


Monday July 27, Now I come home from a weekend with my boyfriend, my son tells me he is going to bed and I hear him sneak out at 10"30 so I look through the house and find vials of pills and a straw, one is skelaxin and one is ultram the other is xanax, he takes medication, including Klonipin for a seizure disorder that startd last year, wndering if this snorting drugs has caused it//?. and also an empty bottle of rum... and an email talking about xanax... Do I try and help this kid and get him in rehab, he always smoked pot, after he was arrested in March, I never realized how much, so now with the drug tests from the probation officer, I just don't know what the hell he is trying to do. Do I try to get him in rehab or kick him out?

Cut the apron strings mom and find happiness for yourself. Could be this is a good thing for him. Not having you around to support him will, I hope, be a wake up call for maturity.

tick

Monday July 27, Now I come home from a weekend with my boyfriend, my son tells me he is going to bed and I hear him sneak out at 10"30 so I look through the house and find vials of pills and a straw, one is skelaxin and one is ultram the other is xanax, he takes medication, including Klonipin for a seizure disorder that startd last year, wndering if this snorting drugs has caused it//?. and also an empty bottle of rum... and an email talking about xanax... Do I try and help this kid and get him in rehab, he always smoked pot, after he was arrested in March, I never realized how much, so now with the drug tests from the probation officer, I just don't know what the hell he is trying to do. Do I try to get him in rehab or kick him out?

Go be with him.
Your being there for his son isn't going to fix or change him all that much. He is going to do what he is going to do until he learns for himself and wakes up on his own.

Enabling and worry doesn't do one bit of good.


Monday July 27, Now I come home from a weekend with my boyfriend, my son tells me he is going to bed and I hear him sneak out at 10"30 so I look through the house and find vials of pills and a straw, one is skelaxin and one is ultram the other is xanax, he takes medication, including Klonipin for a seizure disorder that startd last year, wndering if this snorting drugs has caused it//?. and also an empty bottle of rum... and an email talking about xanax... Do I try and help this kid and get him in rehab, he always smoked pot, after he was arrested in March, I never realized how much, so now with the drug tests from the probation officer, I just don't know what the hell he is trying to do. Do I try to get him in rehab or kick him out?

He is going to do it even if you are there or not. You can't put your life on hold for him. He feels that now he is 18 he can do as he pleases. Kids at that age are hard headed and think they are above harm.

You do need to get some facts about the interaction of these pills and sit down with him and tell him that you are concerned about him and the dangers of interactions between these pills complicated with the fact he has seizures is going to kill him. That he most likely started getting seizures from the combination. Then have a heart to heart talk with him.

You really can't get him into rehab he is 18 and would have to sign himself in unless maybe there is a problem that makes it possible like him flipping out or being a danger to himself or others.
Also unless a person really wants to quit all rehab does is clean them up from the drug and they go out and start all over again.

Archewellness is on rehab that has a better success rate than most.

July 23 I have an 18 year old son who has had legal problems, drug problems, has a 3 month old daughter, is back and forth with his relationship with the mother of his daughter. He is doing better now but can't keep a job...

The love of my life, my boyfriend from 28 years ago, he is 54 and I am 48, wants me to get married and move to Kentucky from PA. The thing is is that I have been through so much with my son and just want to leave and spend the rest of my life with the love of my life. I don't want to turn my back on my son but he does not follow the rules of his probation, is abusing drugs again, not motivated to find a job. I know I have been enabling my son by providing for all his needs. Could I live with myself if I left him on his own? He is smart, capable but lacks motivation... What do I do?

My life has been a living hell with him the last few years and I have a chance at happiness and am miserable working to support my 18 year old son and being alone. Am I being selfish to expect some happiness with the man of my dreams?

:(

July 27, Now I come home from a weekend with my boyfriend, my son tells me he is going to bed and I hear him sneak out at 10"30 so I look through the house and find vials of pills and a straw, one is skelaxin and one is ultram the other is xanax, he takes medication, including Klonipin for a seizure disorder that startd last year, wndering if this snorting drugs has caused it//?. taking xanax would show up the same as the klonipin he takes so now I am wondering if he is selling drugs. I also found an empty bottle of rum... and an email talking about xanax... Do I try and help this kid and get him in rehab, he always smoked pot, after he was arrested in March, I never realized how much, so now with the drug tests from the probation officer, I just don't know what the hell he is trying to do. Do I try to get him in rehab or kick him out? I am so torn, I so want to spend the rest of my life with the man of my dreams... I spend weekends at his house cause he doesn't want to make all this worse, plus the weekends he has spent with us, he has seen what is going on and doesn't want to influence my decision and says it is my son, I need to make the decision on what to do but he does talk to me about him, gave my son a card for his birthday with 50 in it...

The moderators here like you to stick with one post per topic.
I didn't notice in the other post that he was on probatiion. That makes a lot of difference. He is on probation so if he is being drug tested on the probation then he would be in violation where they could arrest him and put him in rehab.
I replied about rehab not being any help if they do not go willingly on your other post.

Your son is going to do what he wants. You need to have a good talk with him and then make your decision based on how it goes.

The moderators here like you to stick with one post per topic.
I didn't notice in the other post that he was on probatiion. That makes a lot of difference. He is on probation so if he is being drug tested on the probation then he would be in violation where they could arrest him and put him in rehab.
I replied about rehab not being any help if they do not go willingly on your other post.

Your son is going to do what he wants. You need to have a good talk with him and then make your decision based on how it goes.

Thank you... this is so hard... I always tried to protect him, now I am just so torn, what is the best thing to do for my son?? Make him leave, call his probation officer, give him another chance... I am going to get married to the man I am seeing again,and we are moving about 10 hours away but I need to know in my heart I did all I could for my son before I do that and thank GOD he is patient with me and understands that I need to do the right thing or I couldn't live with myself... Thank you again for your time... I really appreciate it and never did anything like this before... I emailed all my friends also and the basic consensus is the same... which helps me more than you can ever know.. thank you, love, light and peace... Karen

You DID all you can now all you can do is let him know you love him and have a very serious conversation about what he is doing to himself. The dangers of the pill combination. How they can and do cause seizures leading to early death. Ask him why he wants to self destruct himself. I knew a guy that mixed pills and started with strokes, had a few heart attacks by the time he was in his mid 30's and was dead by 40.
Pill combinations are serious but your hands are pretty much tied if he is persistent in doing what he is going to do. He has to want help. He doesn't see he has a problem to want help.
I don't know if tough love of kicking him out and selling your house would work or drive him further into his ways.
He needs help but he has to WANT help.
Is he being drug tested by his PO?

You said that he was on probation, right? If it were my child, I would tell his probation officer. He might get in trouble for violation of probation, but at least he won't be dead.

Like Nohelp4u stated, he is 18, you can't really put him in a rehab. No matter what you say or do, it is up to him to make the correct decision.

Good luck.

There does reach a point in any parent/child relationship where each has to let go of the other.

Yes, you are perfectly entitled to a happy life, without the burden of your sons continued drug use, and lifestyle.

He is old enough to call his own shots, and he does.

I think that should you decide to keep living for him, and providing for him, and trying against all odds, then you are throwing away your own happiness.

I say this with the understanding that you have done everything you absolutely could, and he has even moved his drugs into your home, right under your nose.

Please speak to his probation officer. Then speak to him. Be prepared to tell him that your life is changing direction, and you will be getting married, and moving away to start a new life.

If he gets his act together you will consider seeing him again. Make it clear he is on his own financially and otherwise. He has to learn the hard way, obviously, but he has to learn without handouts and a warm bed and meals on the table.

And you must make that break with a clear conscience. You aren't shutting him out of your life, you are forcing him to realize that you won't be available at his beck and call. You need to live your life.

Hi Kayemak,

What a difficult situation, on the one hand I can see what everyone is saying : leave him live your life and he can sort himself out,but somehow there's this nagging in the back of my mind saying... no he can't.

I think he's so far adrift with reality,what with the drugs and everything that he wouldn't know where to start.

I know the other posts are saying he'll soon learn to stand on his own two feet... sink or swim... and yes up to a point they are correct,perhaps if he wasn't on drugs and was in his right mind I might agree,. but he's not.

I deal with drug users every day, they paint their own world which is far away from the real one, a place that they choose to be in because reality is to hard to cope with what ever their reasons.
There is absolutely no point in talking or trying to reason with a person who takes drugs, one, they'll agree to anything and two, half the time they won't remember anyway.

I think the drugs have to be sorted first, get him in a stable and realistic frame of mind then the rest can be sorted out with his head being clear.

Now I know your saying " easier said than done" yes it is,sadly I don't know how your system works in the states, but in the uk if proven you have drugs about your person, you would be imprisoned and dried out, giving you a fresh start on your release,this does work with a medication given as a replacement should you require further help.

There is no way he will ever keep a job or even be given a chance if the drugs are not sorted, I believe this is the root which has to be dealt with before everything else falls into place.

You sound a lovely lady and yes you deserve happiness but I can also see that in my opinion you would not leave your son no matter how many people tell you to, you would worry yourself silly, thinking what if he does something stupid etc...

At the end of the day he is only 18 and although self inflicted has been through a lot at such a young age... there are so many influences out in the world of today which prey on the likes of the young.

Although you say you are the provider etc I don't think your son really takes that on board, one thing for sure is,he knows you are the only solid thing in his life that he knows he can depend on who will always be there.

To help this situation he needs to go into rehab, using what ever means is necessary to get him there,then start his healing process,it will take a while but in the long term will be a new beginning for you both.

In my heart of hearts I truly feel that you as a mum would feel much happier knowing that you haven't just walked out but have made some necessary progress in the recovery of your son's drug habit .

I don't think it's so much the marriage as you've been together 28 years, although it would be lovely for you both,I think it's more the moving away from everything, perhaps in your mind some kind of escape from it all.

However I do think you have to sort one chapter in your life to ensure happiness in the next.

My sincere apologies if I have offended you it's my opinion only.

Takecare