My ex fiancée and I were together for 3 years lived and engaged for the final year. No signs whatsoever she wanted to break up, actually said the night of our breakup she wanted to start having children soon. We went out to dinner where she caused a scene when I asked her to go to a party over the summer with me.( coincidentally the same party a few of my ex's were at last year but I always reinforced that I loved my fiancée, but still made the fiancée insecure). Back to the dinner, she caused a scene where she started yelling at me, I asked her to stop, she wouldn't. So I got up to go to the BR to de escalate the situation. When I return she is still yelling, the waiter looks at me to intervene, but I told my ex that I had no choice but to leave. I walked home and went to bed. 20 minutes later she comes in the house and kicks the door saying that was the lowest thing I couldve done. She had a cell phone she could have called if she was so worried. She was humliating me and I didn't want to disservice the relationship by arguing. She in a rage said she was going to call her mother and call the wedding off which was in Oct. I figured she might have had too much to drink and was using empty threats. Well she did call her mother , broke it off, and said she didn't want to do it but it was too late, her mother wanted nothing to do with our relationship. Now she wants the relationship over but she still loves and is in love with me, but doesn't want to work it out.. Haven't talked in a month, she hasn't contacted me or my family to apologize for breaking off marriage. I want her back, what do I do now?? Just a side note my ex is ivy league educated and an MD..

Why do you want her back? She sounds unstable? Please don't say it has anything to do with the fact that she is ivy league educated and MD.

And why was she even causing a scene at the restaurant? What was that even about?

All the education in the world doesn't excuse stupidity and sub for class when in a public place. Clearly her "IVY" league education didn't help her deal with anger issues nor her insecurity.

If it were me, no way in the world I would want to marry and spend the rest of my life with someone who behaves like that. Imagine what she would do if you did something really bad like leave the toilet seat up or forget your 345th day wedding anniversary.

I think you dodged a big bullet because marriage is easy to get into but hard to get out of.

Marriage doesn't make the problems go away and I believe your ex have always been selfish. Her selfish ways didn't happen overnight.

I must ask you "what type of work do you do?" I only asked because you brought up hers--which wasn't necessary. Her job status doesn't make her better than you nor does it means you must sit around and take her crap.

Her mother was right for not getting involved and if you and your family is waiting for her to apology--your going be waiting for a long time.

In the future remember a relationship takes two in order for it to work, not one. This relationship was lacking a lot but mostly communication among anything.

Great answers seems to be the common responses and thoughts when I have expressed this to family and friends. I also work in the medical field which is how we met. As I said she went ballistic in a restaurant because I asked her to go to a party with me. I am just beside myself as to why she can't even drop a line in an email to say hello and ask how Im doing.. We actually did communicate very well other than some arguments we would get into where she would go into a red zone where there was no talking common sense to her, and if I walked into another room to stop the fight, she would say I wasn't listening to her. There was even a time where she punched me in the face. I sugggested we go to counciling, she was opposed to that. She is a loving person outside of some argument issues. Might I add she is from Puerto Rico so maybe some cultural differences may have come into play. I did have a sordid past, which really seemed to bother her although I never cheated or lied to her. What does the consensus here feel that she will be back to sort things out after a period of no contact?

I feel for you.
Just for information, I have dated an IVY league MD years ago, and mine was disaster. He was extremely controlling, and obsessive / compulsive. I could not deal with it, and ended it.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating/boyfriend-cheap-am-just-crazy-117528-3.html

After that, I dated a well known wall street lawyer from another IVY league school, and he cheated on me multiple times. There was no moral here, and my heart was totally broken. I guess I respected him much. Unbelievable! (This experience struck me, and that's why I found this site indeed)

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/boy-frined-commitment-issue-353415.html

In my experience, I always have had peaceful relationship, but only 2 people from the IVY league hurt me while I was dating. In my opinion, some smart people think they deserve the best from anyone, anytime, anyhow, and the whole world should work for them to satisfy their desire. These arrogant people act very decent in the beginning (they obviously know how to act and talk), but in fact they have less consideration or patience for others, and very selfish in relationship. Not all smart people are better people in my opinion.

Regarding to marriage, I have been with the down-to-earth type (MBA, but Non IVY league) global businessman for 3 years, married for a year now, and I am very happy and feel lucky. He always proves me I am with someone who cares about me, loves me and respect me as who I am. Happiness is not related to the school class. Marriage is a life time commitment, and I do not want to be with someone who controls me or treats me like a second class citizen. I rather be cherished.

I think you should gain full respect from your ex fiancé before consider marriage. How can you marry someone who does not even respect you? Personality is the most important factor you have to consider when you choose your lifetime partner. Good looking, intelligence, job titles are secondary. I hope she regrets her action, and comes back to you with full respect & love. Good luck!

To answer some who wondered why I put her education and employment was to get the point across as to how my ex fiancée knows how to sacrifice to a great degree and accomplish goals. Im wondering if Im just hoping for something that will not be there because of her will to accomplish goals i.e. in this case , end it forever. But what gets me most is that she wouldn't tell me she's no longer in love with me, she does not want to date other men, but doesn't want to work it out. She says she can't be friends with me because she would want to hug and kiss and that will make it more differcult to stay away because she's in love with me. Im hoping the absence makes the heart grow fonder but its taking its time that's for sure

Thank you Winding 200!

My ex fiancee and I were together for 3 years lived and engaged for the final year. No signs whatsoever she wanted to break up, actually said the night of our breakup she wanted to start having children soon. We went out to dinner where she caused a scene when I asked her to go to a party over the summer with me.( coincidentally the same party a few of my ex's were at last year but I always reinforced that I loved my fiancee, but still made the fiancee insecure). Back to the dinner, she caused a scene where she started yelling at me, I asked her to stop, she wouldnt. So I got up to go to the BR to de escalate the situation. When I return she is still yelling, the waiter looks at me to intervene, but I told my ex that I had no choice but to leave. I walked home and went to bed. 20 mins later she comes in the house and kicks the door saying that was the lowest thing I couldve done. She had a cell phone she could of called if she was so worried. she was humliating me and I didnt want to disservice the relationship by arguing. She in a rage said she was gonna call her mother and call the wedding off which was in Oct. I figured she might have had too much to drink and was using empty threats. well she did call her mother , broke it off, and said she didnt want to do it but it was too late, her mother wanted nothing to do with our relationship. Now she wants the relationship over but she still loves and is in love with me, but doesnt want to work it out.. Havent talked in a month, she hasnt contacted me or my family to apologize for breaking off marriage. I want her back, what do I do now??? Just a side note my ex is ivy league educated and an MD..

Maybe POISON IVY league, with MD meaning mentally disturbed. It sounds like you got paroled BEFORE sentencing. This is like putting sour milk back into the refrigerator saying"mmm... maybe it'll be better next month" I know it hurts, but you should count your blessings and say a prayer for the next guy. Don't be in a relationship where you have to apologize for the actions of your mate. Good luck...

Communication along with her selfishness made this relationship drown. You might not see it but your making excuses for her.

One thing I learnt about people is that YOU can't change who they are. It is obivious there were issues otherwise you wouldn't have recommending counseling. Again, be glad you didn't married her and the two of you have no kids together.

Now I know many of people from Puerto Rico and her behavior have nothing to do with her culture. It just who she is and there are many people like her from different races and backgrounds so don't blame it on her culture. You need to just place blame on her.

I would suggest that you try and move on. I'm sure she is still in love with you. Love doesn't start over night, won't end over night either. She may be educationally smart but it sounds like she made a dumb move. You seem like a nice guy and you don't deserve to be treated that way. Love hurts and there isn't anything that we can do about that.

Just be happy with the time you had with her and look at it as a learning experience.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

Good luck and best wishes ; ).

Thanks for the advice crisluvsu731!. is it possible to the 180 degrees she has done? Almost like she hates me and Ive done nothing wrong.. Is it a game?? Last month when I talked to her she told me she was moving to Florida or back to Puerto Rico "as fast as I can".. She has the resources to move and still live very comfortably while she waits to find a job at either of those places.. Come to find out she resigned a years lease at where she currently lives and another year contract where she works?? This is contrary to her moving as fast as she can.. I should not call her if she broke off the wedding right?I want her back but not through manipulation.. Could she just be waiting for me to contact her? Sorry for the redundancy..

Well, it's up to you to see if she changes her mind, but you could be waiting quite sometime, who knows how long.

You should just try and move on. If it's meant to be she will come around, if not, then you will be prepaired for it already. I have been in a similar situation and he never came around, and I set myself up, I waited and nothing ever came of it.

Just ask yourself one question though, is she worth it? I know you love her, but do you want to be with someone who over reacts to little things like that? It could get worse if you do get back together.

How old are you?

Sorry that I can't offer more advice, but Hope all goes well in your favor.

What do I do now??

Drop to your knees, and pray you found the light, and celebrate the freedom from this educated nut, and get a real life with some one a lot more settled and emotionally stable.

Im 35 never even considered marriage until I met her. I was quite happy in my single life. Do you think she resigned a lease to see if things were going to work out with us? Another incident Im prob reading into is that on 4th of July I get a private phone call at 1230 in the morning. The caller listened for a few seconds and said she dialed the wrong number. I responded by telling her she never asked for anyone, how'd she know. She had a spanish accent. I asked her if the number she was dialing was mine.. again all she said was she had the wrong number... Never apologetic for calling that late and was somewhat rude.. This was a phone number I recently changed because my ex didn't like former gf's trying to contact me.. Coincidence or plain random? Im trying the no contact rule but I'm hoping it doesn't backfire on me. Thanks everyone!

It sounds like you're dating a toddler with an Ivy League education instead of a full-grown woman! Are you spoon-feeding her, too?

In any case, you should realize that if she's throwing temper tantrums NOW, just think of the possible tantrums she would throw whilst married to you. In front of children. YOUR children.

And, she's a quitter! She broke off your marriage after ONE argument! And we all know that quitters never win!

You can say she's got her MD all day, but in reality, you're not married to an MD. You're married to a very immature and irresponsible child.

Once your emotions settle your going see her for what she really was and be glad the relationship is over.

I hope your not keeping tabs on her nor is still in contact with her. You might think you can't survive this but you can and you will but you have to realize that.

Focus on your life instead of hers because your only hurting yourself and prolonging your healing. The emotional wound might be fresh but give it some time heal to heal because it won't happen overnight.

She is a quitter and that's one of the qualities I thought I loved about her.. This wasn't the only fight we've had though.. We wouldn't fight often but as I said she goes into rages where there is no sense talking to her,so the fights were very big ones where one would tell the other to leave the house.. That kind of BS but we would always reconcile..

You thought you loved the fact she was a quitter?

HAHA! That is a riot.. No one of the qualities was that she wasn't a quitter.. Nice pickup..

You like that she's a quitter?

Do you have any respect for yourself AT ALL?

Apparently if you like quitters, you didn't have high expectations (or expectations at all, for that matter) for your relationship.

In that sense, you deserved it!

She sounds like a quitter to ME.

She was awfully in a rush to drop you. Don't miss her. Find someone else that has a spine.

Well, the more you talk about her, the less I think anyone would like. You should just move on and get with someone that deserves you. Sounds like she is just a controlling, immature, little child that needs to work on herself before she starts trying to be with someone. No one should have to put up with that, it's lame.

***I know it's easier said than done, but moving on is the best thing you can do sometimes.

Her heart has to be breaking as much as mine rite? We were supposed to be married in 3 months.. its so crazy to go 100 to 0 like this.. absence does make the heart grow fonder right? You are prob all correct and say the heck with her

Well I am glad to hear you don't like quitters but it is a quality she has. She quits instead of working on a soluation for the problem at hand. If you don't go play by her rules she gets livid and starts acting childish. Not a quality I look for and you shouldn't either. This relationship was loaded with toxic--because of her.

Then you were nothing but an enabler by accepting it which just added fume to the fire because she knew she had wrapped around her finger.

Sometimes when your in love your common sense goes out the door but this isn't good because you start to lose yourself. Now it is time to find yourself again.

her heart has to be breaking as much as mine rite??

I doubt it! She probably likes to see or knows your feelings down and out. Stop worrying about her and focus on yourself. If you really want her back and the insanity back into your life then I must ask why? Your crazy if you do. You need to go back and read everything you wrote about and then ask yourself "was this what I really wanted in a WIFE?" I hope not!

We both asked ourselves 10 qualities we loved about each other and the commonalities we share. The 9/10 were great qualities the only 1 being bad was non constructive arguing. So I don't think it was all bad. She def didn't meet me half way in that dept. It was always me trying to diffuse a situation.. If that could be fixed we wouldve had a great relationship.. I just hope to get the opportunity to try again.. But Im losing faith daily everyday that passes she doesn't try to contact me the realization sets in that its really over. Even if she saus she still in love with me. Love sucks

Saying I love you, and showing it, are two different things. Don't you know that?

Strong point Taliniman.. There is no doubt in my mind she didn't love me though.. Funny you say that , because she would not reply to anything I asked her about all the good times we shared together. She would just say they were too hurtful to go there. The only thing I can come up with is that she is trying to save face with her family, by that I mean hastily breaking it off, and if she were to go back to me she would look even crazier..?

It doesn't matter why she did anything and what she's thinking now. Trying to rationalize her crazy actions will just get you more confused, and perhaps even give you false hope.

She did it, and you're making excuses for her. She clearly did not care for you as much as you did for her, and it shows in her actions and her swift leave.

Don't give her a muffin, or she'll take the whole bakery!

Now. Write her actions off to insanity and go find someone that you don't have to walk on eggshells for! Rationalizing will get you nowhere, so stop it!

Sounds like she was already having doubts to begin with. If she was talking about babies one hour and yelling it up at you and breaking up with you the next, that's some confusion.

Answering you has nothing to do with family, it looks like she's trying to move on not deal with relationship issues you two were having. It might hurt a lot now, especially 3 months before the wedding, but one day you will be thanking your stars that you didn't wind up married.

Take a few steps back and try to see the things that we're not so great, maybe that will bring you some perspective and help you to move on.

No that's not confusion that's an irrational hot tempered woman. She def loved me enough to say yes to marry me. Torrid 13 you are right, Im just confusing myself.. But I feel like that's what she is trying to do.. Keep me guessing.. I used to date a psychiatrist(crazy as hell) and I talked with her and she feels my ex owes me at least what they call an exit counciling so both parties can understand what happened. So both can heal and maybe trust another person some day.. She wouldn't do it.. Especially considering my ex never consulted me if I wanted to end it. Sensibly I would have said def not... My ex said she did it because I didn't tell her not to..? She won't give me closure for some crazy reason... She said maybe in 3,6 months maybe a year if SHE feels its still worth it she will come back to me. I have relinquished some of the balance back by not contacting her.. Agree?

Torrid13, I plead with her just to tell me that she was not "in love with me anymore".. she said she would be lying if she said that... On top of that she says "you just want me to say that to you to make it easier to walk away"... ahh... yea.. that would help?!

I think she knows that she has you on a string and that she can get you to whatever she wants you to.

I would just not contact her anymore. We all know you can do much better than that.

Move on and find someone worth loving.

You don't need closure, you need to walk away, and let her pay the consequences for her BS. As long as you keep playing her game, you will stay confused. Don't think she is playing a game? Proof,

She said maybe in 3,6 months maybe a year if SHE feels its still worth it she will come back to me.
That's an insult, and a direct challenge to you to show you can't doing anything about what she says and does. WRONG! Vanish from her life. No more talk


I have relinquished some of the balance back by not contacting her.. Agree?

If you mean your standing up for yourself and refusing to be controlled, dictated to, confused, and insulted, yes.

Its about your dignity, and self respect, not closure.

Taliniman,
I appreciate your candor and your insight.. Its often differcult to see what's really going on when your in the middle of it. Never been in love before and it's a.. How much BS is it when she says she's leaving as fast as she can to FLA or Puerto Rico but re signs a lease and job contract for an additional year? Rite? She has a brother down in FLA and family in PR she couldve stayed with until she found a job down at either of those places.. She has played these kind of passive aggressive games too long. I appreciate your words of strength.

Sorry about the misspelling Talaniman

You want clsosure? Guess what? This is something that everyone don't get. What your friend remmended was totally bogus and you knew your ex wasn't going be up for that because she was unwilling to go to counseling to help save this relationship or change herself.

Your ex is just torturing you by saying she might take you back in 3 or 6 months or maybe a year. She knews you will be foolish enough to wait.

Her break-up wasn't sudden. If you were to go back to read the signs you would have knew. However, you were too used to her bs that it blinded you and robbed you of your common sense. You didn't always play by her rules and you disobeyed her--she didn't like this. She wanted you to be a good little boy by doing what she want when she wanted and was probably used to guys catering to her needs.

Right now your going through the 3 stages of grief--denial, bargining, and depression. You have two more left--acceptance, then letting go. On a side note, you seem to be attracted to professional nut jobs and this is something you need to change. Maybe counseling is order for you from someone you don't know.

liz28 I appreciate your opinion and help but clearly there was no sign of her leaving or wanting to break up. She spent 4000 on a wedding dress which as we know is non refundable, function hall was paid for, etc.. We never had distance or any other behavior such as seeing each other less, making less time for each other, intimacy was still there. Implying that Im foolish to wait for her is kind of abrasive, no? I asked on this site for help not to be vilified as a fool. Are you a licensed Psychiatrist? If your not, Im not sure what makes you feel that "my friend" who is, is bogus.. I respect what you have to say but you are coming off as authoritative without knowing all the facts. No need to kick anyone when they are down, truth or not. Be well

Let's clear the air. Yes, I stand by when I say "you sitting around waiting for her is foolish". I never said your friend bogus but I said her idea was. See the difference.

In the end it is your life and you are what you make it. So with that being said, if you feel the need to sit around and wait for her then do so. If you willing what to ignore the red flags and see her as a suitable wife then more power to you.

I know what I want and don't want in a mate. When me and my fiancé have issues we sit down and discussion them in a civil, mature matter. Nobody has temper tantrums nor runs away. And one thing for sure the "I dos" doesn't make the problems go away.

Liz28, I do agree with you and thank you for clearing the air. Sitting around waiting for someone to come back is a waste of time and life. It really hurts to move on when you don't want to. Regarding my friend, the psych, suggesting an exit counciling, is what normal people do. You got it right when you say when you have issues with your fiancée, you both sit down in a civil mature manner. That's what my psych friend was suggesting. Now Im left without any answers, drifting in the middle of the ocean, and probably not going to trust anyone else for a long time.. It seems like that's what my ex wants.. Because most normal people who care about someone they loved would not want that to happen... That's why I feel its partially a game... She will not put full closure to things such as calling my family, who bought airline tix, booked hotel, bought dresses for the kids etc.. And apologize to them why this happened. Its only fair and respectful. If I did this I would def call her family out of respect.. Also I think it's a game that she can't call to see how Im doing esp when she knows I didn't want this to end... She can't be that big of a monster can she?

Now I'm left without any answers, drifting in the middle of the ocean, and probably not going to trust anyone else for a long time..
So don't trust her either, as given her actions as you described them, she is not trust worthy, reliable, considerate, or marriage material. Just my opinion, and maybe it was the luckiest day of your life when she called everything off.

It seems like that's what my ex wants.. Because most normal people who care about someone they loved would not want that to happen...
Blows my mind that you didn't see what she was capable of, but for sure you do now.

That's why I feel its partially a game... She will not put full closure to things such as calling my family, who bought airline tix, booked hotel, bought dresses for the kids etc.. And apologize to them why this happened.
That blows my mind also and gives me some insights into what you consider civility, and obviously she does. Live with that.

Its only fair and respectful. If I did this I would def call her family out of respect..
Geez guy, you really are expecting too much here. She ain't like you, and you must have been plenty blind, or in love, or both, not to have a clue about her real nature.

Also I think it's a game that she can't call to see how I'm doing esp when she knows I didn't want this to end... She can't be that big of a monster can she?
Why should she call you, Mr Civilized, and polished, when the game is to train you to be a loyal obedient puppy. Everything you have written smells of spoiled, manipulative brat, and maybe you're her naïve sucker.

Doesn't matter what she does any more. Man up and do the right thing and vanish fro her life and do your own apology for bringing the biatch into your family's life.

Liz is right, its foolish to expect the right things from her. I know your hurt, but don't be sensitive, or you will truly miss the point.

Talaniman, believe me when I tell you this girl had to the best actress Ive ever known. Nobody,friends or family thought she was capable of being such an a hole. Your right,Im glad I saw it now.My family and friends say the same thing as you did; she is trying to make me her obedient little puppy. I have manned up haven't contacted her for a month, still a when there is a ton of reminders everywhere you go.. I just hope that douches heart is aching just like mine, because believe me bro, I will have the last laugh.

I agree with Talniman.
Be a strong man and see the fundamental issue, do not be a 'trained' puppy for a spoiled woman who will make both of you miserable.
I have a relative who used to hide himself in his closet while his girl friend yelled at him.
He was not strong enough to move on, and married her.
He still locks up himself in the closet while his wife is yelling at him for anything. Forever...
Nobody has sympathy anymore because he 'chose' to be miserable.

I really do appreciate the support on this site.. What she did and is doing is deplorable I know this but what I didn't say was out of 60 days with her, 59/60 would be bliss and that one day, we had a really bad day where she would get so mad and impulsive that it was detrimental.. A lot of you are right on when you say she is a spoiled controlling brat.. Its really hard to tell the heart to shut off from someone that for the most part was a decent loving person, who had a flaw.. Nobody is perfect is how I saw it.. Im sure she could give plenty of examples of how Im not perfect either.. As crazy as it seems I do want her back, but it would be under the condition she gets anger management help, or we seek counciling on how to effectively argue. Im with Liz who has it right by sitting down in a calm controlled mature manner to discuss a problem... That's how it should be.. My ex shouldve discussed and not threatened me with the idea of calling off the wedding, I had no say in the matter.. Her impulsiveness got in the way of sensibility. Have a great day all..

Here's another example of how confused I am about my ex... Her mail stopped coming to my house, so one day Im opening my mail and I noticed a large amount check, it wasn't for me it was hers.. So I broke the no contact rule and sent her a text saying in a really light manner"hey hows it going hope all is well, you got a check here what should I do with it?"She texts me back very matter of factly asking me to mail it to her work. Coldly, says thanks but no "How are you doing? Hope your ok" etc.. Im sitting here saying, I couldve just thrown it away and she'd be out 1800 bucks. After 2 months how can she be mad or cold to someone she was going to marry? Any explanation other than her being a or just plain rude?

Well, pslayne, it sounds like she isn't a very good person from everything you have told us. She seems like a very unhappy person, unhappy with herself and she is doing you a favor but leaving you. Who knows, you might have been miserable after you got married. They say that marriage really changes people.

Just follow your heart, and your mind. If you feel that she is worth waiting for, do it. Otherwise, just try and move on with your life. There are plenty of women out there that would like to be with a guy as caring as you seem to be. Trust me, I know.

That's how it should be.. My ex shouldve discussed and not threatened me with the idea of calling off the wedding, I had no say in the matter.. Her impulsiveness got in the way of sensibility. Have a great day all..


The basis for a relationship is grounded in a commitment to be WILLING to work with your partner, to resolve their issue. You were willing, she was not, hmmmm!

Obviously she isn't willing, which leads me to at least consider, she was being nice, and for whatever reason went along with you, but in the end, changed her mind.

Or she showed her true self, and your not willing to accept it, and have overlooked her character in the past

Or a bit of BOTH!

Talaniman your def making strong points but that's not the whole picture in 3 years. She had a big big problem with my ex girlfriend texting me, other girls coming around me, my friends who were single are all dogs, for the lack of a better word. She was nervous that I would want to resort to my old lifestyle, even though I asked her to marry me.But even more importantly, I would never ever have cheated on her nor did she catch me in some suspicious situations. She wanted me to change my cell phone number because of old gf's but I felt that I shouldn't have to change my phone number because of people that meant nothing to me anymore. I figured they would just go away. But eventually I did change my number and when we got into arguments she would bring that up and say I did it too late.. She said I made her feel insecure.. Which is BS because I went way above and beyond to show her I loved her. If we had a fight where we parted for a couple of days, it was always me who initiated contact and said I was sorry.. So I think that is where she is now,. she says she has to find herself and become more secure but can't do that with me for some reason? She says she has to fix her and some rage she's had before she met me.. Let me know what you think minus some of the cynicism.. HAHA!!

..Nobody is perfect is how I saw it.. Im sure she could give plenty of examples of how Im not perfect either.. As crazy as it seems I do want her back, but it would be under the condition she gets anger management help, or we seek counciling on how to effectively argue. ?

Absolutely.
People got mad sometimes for various reasons, but should be reasonable. She burst her anger, and "could" yell non stop in public without respect or consideration for fiancé who is supposed to be the most important person in her life, it is a very bad red flag. You can seek a way to change her, if she is willing to participate, but you said she would not do it for you or your future marriage. Actually, She is going to the opposite direction and called off the wedding.
If she does not motivated to change her anger mgmt, can you really make her change? Have you ever heard the old phrase "never make your partner as a project"? Because it is hard to change people.
She has so much pride and ego, it will be even harder to change it.



..After 2 months how can she be mad or cold to someone she was gonna marry?? Any explanation other than her being a or just plain rude?
Sometimes, I have a small disagreement with my husband, but we both face each other ASAP, say sorry for "misunderstanding", and make peace right away. We are in love, we are willing to meet in the middle with respect.(If I did not respect him, or his judgment, I would not marry him, and I have to reconsider his view point even though it makes me not happy initially. Right?) The last thing we like to do is hurt ourselves by hurting each other even for an hour. In fact, each reconsolidation makes our love deeper. Can you see the difference here? I hate to say but it seems she does not love you (or love you enough) to make a life time commitment beyond respect, argument style, or anger mgmt etc.

I can see you love her so much. You might have many sleepless nights already and played the 'bad day' repeatedly in your mind, and confused about your decision. It seems you are very sweet person. You concerned you made her insecure with ex-gf matter unexpectedly. (I do not buy it. You made life time commitment, and it should not be a matter at this point.)She might be under stress for wedding plan besides of her demanding job. She might be in PM or under birth control pill. There are hundreds of reasons you can think of to justify her, however, the bottom line is she should be reasonable, or if she was not, then has to come back and make it up to you at least. She has not done or a plan to do it so far. It is the bigger problem.

You like to hear that she should be hurtful now. Yes, it is true. Who doesn't when the wedding is off? However,
1) she created the issue
2) she called the wedding off to punish you by herself
3) she knows both are hurtful
4) BUT still her desire to mold you in her way is much stronger than coming back to your arms & get married.
5) she is using the wedding as the reinforcement to train you at this point

In love, we are all weak. We do not need logic/power game/brain, but simply want to be with the person and be happy even though he/she has fault. However, she is cold, furious, and punishing you in order to take control of you.

How can you make your marriage work if her self-destructive, unreasonable, and hurtful logic is empowering her love and hurt both of you? Do you have enough love to be 100% in her way, apologize for anything you did not do wrong to make her happy whenever conflict arises? Then you should turn off your self-esteem switch completely, and run after her.
The problem is still
1) it is questioning if she will forgive (?? ) you & marry you until you prove you know how to press the right button to please her as a 100% loyal partner
2) even though you successfully pass her stress test (!) & get married, it will be very difficult to maintain your marriage happy, because once she knows her power over you, she will require more extreme or get board after for a while. It will be a typical powerful wife with a no self-esteem husband combination, she will loose respect and interest from you very quickly, frustrated, and be more controlling. It will be a bad cycle.

Once again, if I am you, I will do my best to regain the full respect & love from her. Otherwise, I will forget about the marriage, and move on. Do not caught up with the idea of getting married, and focus on the "goal" of the marriage. I think it is a good idea to be cool with NC, and take a control as a man. You have to let her know you are not a easy cookie. She is a good catch in your eyes, so as you in her eyes. Be confident! She did not want to let go completely, and you are in better shape than you think.

What can you loose? In worst case, you will lose the possible bad marriage. In best case, you will get a 'trained' brainy wife who will make the marriage workable. Win-Win situation. FYI. I guess you know we are here to help you to see the truth objectively, not harsh on you over your agony.

Winding 200 thank you very much for the encouragement and the help.. You know when I think of it, every time we've had a bad fight, it was I who always was the one to reconcile. Some arguments, she would come to her senses and talk things over. But the big ones, were always me. It is a win win situation for me, I lose a quick tempered irrational person, or she will come back with enough respect to at least meet me half way in disagreements. Just a question, is it obvious that she didn't want to let go completely and Im not seeing it, because she has not tried to contact me in any form. Please embellish on how Im in better shape than I think... I tend to think of worse case scenarios and live off them... Thanks again for taking the time to help and responding!

Of course you are in better shape now. You don't have to bow down to move forward, you can make decisions without thinking of her first. Take the time to grieve for this part of your life darlin, but be willing to see the things that weren't so great as well. It sounds an awful lot like you were doing all the compromising and she didn't do much. Maybe now you can do a little for yourself.

Im just shocked,well maybe I shouldn't be seeing that she is showing her true colors as a very selfish person, that she has not tried to reach out not for reconciliation, but just to see how Im doing as a person. Or an old friend for that matter. This can't be just because this is she is trying to control me, can it? Reflecting back there have been situations where she may have displayed those qualities of trying to manipulate to get control. But this one is the mother of all manipulation, if that's the case. There is no doubt in my mind that she was deeply in love with me so that can't be the answer. I feel that she has so much egg on her face from overreacting and calling off the wedding that she has to follow through with what she's doing or she is going to look even crazier, of course all at my expense and feelings. Everywhere Ive read says the No Contact rule really works, displaces their anger with feelings of missing you, at the same time getting control over your own feelings. She broke it off with me, by all means she should contact me, me mot contacting her in any situation right? Or is that just playing a manipulative game? Thanks again everyone!.

Everywhere Ive read says the No Contact rule really works, displaces their anger with feelings of missing you, at the same time getting control over your own feelings.
You are not correct, as NO CONTACT is for YOU to gain perspective, NOT for her to miss you.

She broke it off with me, by all means she should contact me, me not contacting her in any situation right?
You need to get your own self together, whether she tries to contact you or not. Stop trying to rationalize her behavior with your own sense of what she should be doing. Its about what you should be doing with the facts you have. She dumped you. That's the fact. Now get through the feelings and cope with them.

Or is that just playing a manipulative game? Thanks again everyone!.
Since your right there, and know her, how do you expect us to know what she is motivated by? For all we know, she may be tired of the way your acting, or has just had a change in heart. Her motives are not as important as how you deal with them. That's the point, not the questions with no answers, but the actions you take, which is obvious as you get over your shock, and let your emotional dust settles.

Talinamin you said in an earlier post is that she is manipulating me to be the loyal obedient puppy on a leash.. If you could say that then why do you feel you(we) can't tell me or suggest to me what her motives could be? Some girls do that passive aggressive behavior just to see if your still into them correct? But wrong I agree. Also, absence makes the heart grow fonder so why wouldn't the no contact work? It also reliquishes some control because she has to be thinking where did my little puppy go right? Puts perspective for me as well.. Are you a trained professional or just been through the ringer a few times, because you have great insight

As I said I work in the medical field and have never fully agreed with psychiatrists or psychologists. I went to one for the 1st time and all she said was I don't know to everything. FOS. I asked her haven't you dealt with many cases similar to mine that you should have an idea, she said I don't know.. That was my final session.. My point is Im finding more insight than a schoooled professional.

Just a question, is it obvious that she didnt want to let go completely and Im not seeing it, because she has not tried to contact me in any form.

So, here we go.
1) You say that there was no issue, but the day's incident caused the breakup. In case, it is a fairy simple & girly power game even though it is very brutal. The wedding is the hostage for dramatic effect.

2) She called off the wedding, but refused to give you closure. It means she does not want you to be clean and go out for date. She is holding you tight while she is debating. What she actually saying is "I will be possible for a while, catch me in my way if you do not want to loose me."
She uses NC, and it gives you frustration. You report to her your pain in a 'half way' NC, and it proves her strategy is working. Again, it is stress test to train you not actual break.

3) D-Day: Even better, you have a W-day which will be the explosion point for her. If she does not hear from you until that point, she will be really furious and worried. Her plan is not losing the years of investment on you, but winning you as loyal one. By the time, she will contact you in any form, and you will have a good chance to talk it over. Expect more fighting & twisted drama at this point. She will not just come out and say sorry, and it will be very hurtful for both of you until she has no choice but give in 'after find the right excuses to save her face' or you have to give in finally.

Your max pain for NC will be until the wedding day, I guess.

4) Although you will go through heart wrenching dramas, I see you guys will marry if you still have strong will.

5) The last, you are in a better shape because you are away from the turbulence & her control, and re-shaping your plans for your better future by yourself.

Organize your belief and 'MUST HAVE' list in the relationship. You need to sit tight, be calm, and tell what you want from her persistently. If you can be patient, you will gain the girl who has to respect you without choice. Otherwise, you will lose the possible bad & irrational marriage. Win win situation.

My question is, how much you want to play the game. She is wasting the energy from both of you to fight not nurture the love itself. In my opinion, even though you win 'the wedding' game, you will need a lot of patience to make it work in the life long journey. If you loose you patience as she does, the marriage will be nothing but turbulence. If children is involved in the situation, it will be really destructive. What is your strategy to deal with her if she uses sex, cold treatment, children or all of above to constantly train you in the marriage in case?

I feel tired already and I am not sure I want to be in it if I am a man if I want to be happy... In general, bride-to-be is very happy in the period, lost in euphoria, and rarely call the wedding off unless there is a REALLY serious issue. She is a forceful fighter type. I guess you are attracted to a strong woman.

Winding200
Awesome insight.. wow Im so impressed how bright a lot of the people are on this sight.. I have been giving full NC have not spoken or tried to call her or any other contact as brutal as its been since June 19th. So are you suggesting that I contact her and be persistent?"You need to sit tight, be calm, and tell what you want from her persistently." Im pretty sure her real serious issue as to why she called it off is because she felt I would eventually leave her and uses leaving her at the restaurant when she was causing a scene.Its almost like she is forcing a self fulfilled prophecy. She was afraid I would leave and she pushed a situation so to that would happen. Also, Im not sure if you read the thread about how I sent her a text(the only 1in a 6 weeks) about a large amount check she got in the mail.. I texted her very nonchalantly and cordial telling her about the check and I said I hope alls well.. She only texted me back where to mail it, which was her work. Never said I hope your OK too, never asked a thing about me. Don't you find that awfully weird to be that standoffish to someone you dated for 3 years and live with for 1 and about to be married in 3 months? Was that a game or could someone just fall out of love like that and not care? Thank you so much for your advice.. As I said before, this site has been incredibly helpful.. Much appreciated..

So are you suggesting that I contact her and be persistent?
I did a big puzzle for you, you will work on the details.
If I am you, I will wait, and talk to her JUST AFTER she contact you by the W-Day. She will really need to talk it over, and it is the best time to negotiate. Right now, she is treating you with 'brutal treatment', your communication will not be effective. If you keep the NC loner, she has to talk to you by W-Day, because her cold treatment period will be expired after that.

Last text over check:
OK. I got it. You were in NC indeed. Even though you helped out to get the check, you were not apologetic enough to satisfy her, she could not forgive you, and was so cold. Her focus is on power & control, not love & caring anymore. As I said, it is very brutal power game, and she is planning not to loose it or change herself so far.



Im pretty sure her real serious issue as to why she called it off is because she felt I would eventually leave her and uses leaving her at the restaurant when she was causing a scene.Its almost like she is forcing a self fulfilled prophecy.

You think it is totally unreasonable to extend the restaurant scene that much.
Here is my interpretation using unspoken word in her side.

"I(your ex) feel you would eventually leave me if I am nasty in marriage & I maybe be nasty in marriage helplessly without control, because you COULD leave me at the restaurant. I need to know you would be with me, take any treatment I give you in marriage anywhere & anyhow. It does not matter who's fault it is. If you COULD leave me in restaurant, you are not totally blinded by LOVE, and I cannot control you fully. Show me I have full control over you. I am not planning to change my attitude. You change yourself for me. Otherwise, it is over."

Your ex is not simply short tempered person, but has a strong will to escalate it to the largest scale to get what she wants. If she wanted to be reasonable, she did not have to call the wedding off. Have you ever thought if it was not only one time 'hot temper', but she finally lost her patience unexpectedly before W-day? She has worked hard to make the relationship, but could not be patient anymore, gave up, and walked out? Once again, if she was simply short tempered person,
1) she would not escalate it that level
2) she would regret (short temper = emotional. In the case she would change her mood frequently)
3) she would try to talk it over with love
3) or she would come back long time ago (or did not leave)

Winding 200, I think you are right again about the power control 100%.. The one thing Im starting to believe which Im sure anyone who goes through the NC, is that the other person just does not care anymore, especially if they haven't made contact by then. Im not sure the W day is as important to her as I would like to think. Im getting the impression she is happy our relationship is over.. As for the check incident your dead on again, I was loose and casual, and she was trying to portray that I was just a nothing stranger to her. As for restaurant scene, again so accurate. This is not the first time she has tried to exert control over me using her temper and escalation. She is an exceptionally unreasonable person when she hits that red zone of her temper, completely irrational and rather immature. I really believe that because of the fact she told her family of the incident and they told her they do not support our relationship, hence this is why she moved on and hasn't looked back thus far. You are confident that she will try to contact me at some point? I guess if she doesn't , our relationship was a farce and I really didn't lose anything but lost an actor of false love. You wrote "If you COULD leave me in restaurant, you are not totally blinded by LOVE, and I cannot control you fully. Show me I have full control over you. I am not planning to change my attitude. You change yourself for me. Otherwise, it is over." Couldn't be any closer to exactly how she has been in our relationship! Thanks for your brilliant insight again.

Pslayne2233,
I am confident she will contact you. She did not give you the closure. Remember? Cheer up!

Is it possible that her NC and my NC will just cause us 2 drift apart? Also, if she said she was still in love with me, is it possible for that to diminish? Im banking on the heart growing fonder instead of out of sight out of mind..
Winding 200... She didn't give me closure but another person on this site feels she won't give closure , this is her way of closing because she's selfish and doesn't care about closure for me, just her own.. any thoughts?

is it possible that her NC and my NC will just cause us 2 drift apart?
No. We are trying to make you gain the 'appropriate sense' out of it which will be ONLY your weapon in this war.


also, if she said she was still in love with me, is it possible for that to diminish?

Oh, boy! No.
You are single minded, and just hear what you want to hear. If she had enough love, she did not create this much pain. She decided to be alone because SHE COULD BE without you. You are desperate and confused again. Where is the logical plan you had as a man?

I laid out all my opinions already. I will be more straigt forward. You are in a highly risky & toxic type relationship which will bring more uncontrollable disaster like Florida Hurricanes. It will destroy you & your dignity if you are not strong enough to handle it. I cannot believe you cannot wait to jump in the eye of the Hurricane. I will say NO, and wait until she contacts you to see how it goes. If you jump on now, it will only announce your weakness, you will totally loose the ground, and the game is over even before start. I thought you were smarter than that. I must overestimated you.

So, you still believe she is worth it, huh?
If you can be cosfused so easily, you will be possibly on wedding without fixing the serious issues. If then, you definitely need pre-nub, and a good divorce lawyer stand-by in my opinion. It is your call. In Florida, there are plenty of sunny days between Hurricanes. Do you really want to fix the Hurricanes first or ignore & jump in the Hurricanes? Oh, boy.

Winding 200.. There must be some confusion here.. I will absolutely not contact her ever again unless she contacts me first... Your absolutely right, if I were talk to her and try to make amends, I will be nothing more than a welcome mat and she will have less respect for me more than ever. I think the questions I asked i.e. NC and drifting apart and falling out of love from distance were rhetorical.. My own questions that I never had to address before until now.. Ive never been this in love before.. Your absolutely correct getting back with her unless she changes would be like jumping into the eye of a hurricane.. That's precisely why I walked away and have not contacted her. I have dignity and self esteem.. Im just ignorant to the fact that people want to play power games when in relationships, I thought were about love.. Again, this is on her, she broke off the wedding,although she said she didn't want to, so its on her to repair, and that in itself is going to be an uphill battle, what could she possibly say to make me believe she wouldn't do something so foolish and irrational again? I will never talk to her again unless she initiates with humility and honesty.

pslayne2233,
OK. I admit it was my confusion then. I thought you were losing patience, and intended to break NC. I am glad my assumption was wrong. It is also funny, I was just about asking you why you started the NC while ago, and you answered the question automatically. HAHA

I canot agree enough it is not worth to waste energy for power game (even for a minute) not nurturing 'the great love' in the relationship. Is it relevant some countries are still in war in this earth? (I am trying to be funny) I guess everybody has different priority.

I start to think that the motivation can be: she is seeing 'marriage' as a new set up, and trying to level up as she wants, while you are seeing it as an extension of love. I do not understand why she has to be so extreme though. Are you sure you guys had no issues at all for 3 years? A bride-to-be in the period is the happiest person in life time, should be far from the warrior zone. The level of rage concerns me.

Regading to NC, I found out the great meaning, power & benefit in this site. You can search through here. People are very supportive, and helping each other to land on happy relationship in this site. It is powerful because it is real, and based on the lessons they learned in the past by their own hard way. I know you are going through difficult time, and should feel free to talk it out & get some answers. I think it is more beneficial than talking to close friends, since we can get more objective & multiple answers. It feels great I have 'the place' I can talk about anything, and get support all the time!

Once again, it is given that your ex will be emotional by W-Day (who cannot be in the situation?), and it will be the best timeframe for communication. I hope she recovers from the unreasonable rage, comes out with humble ears, and you guys 'finally' talk it over. Good Luck!

Question for question:
When did you find out you have never been this in love before? What is the reason do you think it is?

Winding 200.. I am struggling from time to time but I have too much pride to let someone break off a marriage like that and I go back to her to get back together.. I treated her like a queen.. No we had some issues over the past 3 years as most couples do.. Its a learning experience, growing together.. I believe a big problem with her is my past.. I was single for so long that she felt people don't change and will always revert to what they knew in the past.. Admittedly embarrassing I dated too many women.. She is the type of person that needs complete steadiness in her life, her life was/is so mapped out and organized, that any argument we had shook her ground, much of which was over exaggerated. She is definitely dramatic. Because of my past I treated most of my relationships as a revolving door, meaning they didn't mean that much to me to care, so often I would just break up with them, no questions asked. I initially took this approach when my ex and we first started dating. I would tell her to leave my house, or foolishly break it off,when we argued, only to find out that's not what I really wanted. I would find myself always trying to reconcile with her and successfully all of the time, she wanted this to work, she loved me.. But retrospectively thinking, it takes 2 to argue and she would rarely give in.So as you can see this type of relationship made her feel unsteady.. But at some point,I realized that I loved this girl so much that I would change from how I would act towards her when arguing. I would try to talk her through it only to have her escalate more. I even tried to have a code word that would say that the argument was getting too out of control lets take a 5min break and regroup, she couldn't control her temper. This is where I tried and she didn't meet me half way. But she knew all of these incidents when she accepted my proposal.. I never said or did any of those things again. This was the girl for me.. And she really was ecstatic about the wedding, she would tell everyone she knew, she was so excited to go pick out her dress, pick out the rings etc.. There were nosigns that she was getting cold feet.. Like I said, the night of the restaurant incident, she looked at me with such love and said she wanted to be pregnant within a year.We were mapping out our summer vacations in that same week, so you see there were no signs that she wanted it over.. You made a very interesting point, when I did talk to her a few days after initial breakup she told me she had a rage inside of her even before she met me, that she needed help with.. but wouldn't do it with me..? I never thought I would meet my ideal girl to answer your question... I knew she was the one by her passion, beauty, affectionate,intelligence, moral standards, how we wanted to raise children, family oriented, etc.. even her fervor in arguing, to a point of course.. I am madly in love with this woman. Im praying she comes back to me..

FYI.

Controlling Wife Type
In my observation, some women try to control their husbands way too much in marriage, it can cause imbalance in family mechanism. There are two types of extreme controlling method.

Lap dog... husband is basically treated like a lap dog. When husband does favorable things, wife treats him with affection, verbal appraise, extra attention, and good sex, food etc. It is typical "HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE" setting. When wife looks at him, husband automatically feels he has to do something to please her. It actually makes family peaceful and both parties happy & satisfied. Draw back is when wife controls him with too much details (typical micro-management), husband loose masculinity in long run.

Trash... husband is treated like absolutely "nothing or trash" when he cannot deliver the favorable behavior to wife. Wife punishes him with cold treatment, cynical criticism, verbal abuse, yelling, and public humiliation, Wife openly present husband as stupid and useless to make her look better (unknowingly she is only making herself as loser's wife), and find themselves nobody wants to invite them for BBQ party. The couple loose happiness, and respect from family & friends. It is very destructive & painful for man, and he looses identity, dignity, and suffers by depression due to the self worthless . Husband will dreams about rebel, cheating, or leaving, and finally execute the plan when he cannot take it anymore. (Some still stay because they do not have 'guts' to leave or to protect kids. )


Some women mix both methods.
What is her type you think?

pslayne2233,
I have read your sincere post, and it touched my heart!
Before I say anything, I have 2 questions for you.

1. Have you ever divorced before?
2. It is very important question:
Has she ever apologized sincerely or said sorry and meant with her heart to you for the past 3 years in any occasions?
(It means beyond the level you guys bump each other in kitchen and say sorry instead of saying excuse me. You know what I am trying to say here)

Winding 200 reading these descriptions LMAO! Its def not the trash description, she would be openly happy(act or not who knows at this point)and affectionate when in others company.additionally I would never let anyone treat me like that in the 1st place.. Remember I had the attitude my way or highway before we met.. For the most part Im a confident person, although she has challenged that during all this at times. But the 1st description sounds more like her.. Good deeds get rewarded anything done unknowingly wrong or not I get the punishment.. Just a little insight of how much that could happen... One day we were watching a movie, I just happened to mention I thought Penelope Cruz was good looking.. My ex left for work 4 hrs early and when I called her to ask where she went, she replied, you just keep watching Penelope.. The lap dog said something she didn't like and left the house. Insanely jealous type as well as you can see. Just a reinforcement from your thought process, You really feel that this is being dragged out for a power control issue? I guess I could see that considering in the past it has always been me to initiate the reconciliation, but if this is the case, it completely blows my mind that some people are like that.. I never thought I could be a romantic, but I sure believe and really enjoy being in love. Damn double edged sword though, hurts so much when it is static.. Thanks again for helping out... Honestly Im getting better and more insightful from reading your posts and from your advice day by day..

Winding 200, no I have never been divorced nor ever engaged, this was my 1st time.. I thought I was going to be the eternal bachelor.Honestly, I can't remember her taking any responsibility for any serious argument we've had. It was always me.. Even up until the restaurant scene she caused , I called her and asked for an apology for publicly humiliating me.. Her reply was I want you to say your sorry for leaving me there first.. I said her, fine I never wanted to fight nor walk out in the first place , so sorry it any of it happened.. She still took less of the resposibility..

Winding 200 sorry for all the typos, hope you can follow along!

I am here to help you see the fact objectively.


I knew she was the one by her passion, beauty, affectionate, intelligence, moral standards, how we wanted to raise children, family oriented, etc.
I see good enough elements in her to be your intriguing & spicy girlfriend. You forgot to add exotic, cultural (from PR), and charismatic (we will talk about it later).

I do not see "understanding, caring, nurturing, emotionally stable, warm, peace maker, etc" kind of elements which will make a good wife. If she has not created the brutal breakup, it would not be a matter, but since she has, you SHOULD re-evaluate her character.

For her character, she is also unreasonable, outrageous (rage), childish (Penelope Cruz? How childish... ), out-of control, arguing, self-centered, irresponsible, cruel, nasty (public humiliation), arrogant (no apology), stubborn and emotional abuser & quitter (called off wedding) who refuse to even talk it over. She is not a good wife material. Period. She will likely make the marriage disaster if she does not change herself. Please read on...

there were no signs that she was getting cold feet.
I do fully agree with you that you both did not have cold feet.

Your past & her security issue:
You were legally single, and eligible to date multiple girls casually.
I am not saying that your relationship style was ideal. You must hurt some innocent girls multiple times I am pretty sure. (what goes around, it comes around HA HA)

Regarding to your past, you guys have been together for 3 yrs, lived for 1, engaged, have pending wedding, and you have never cheated on her. There is no ground she has to be obsessed by your past, and still suffer from insecurity issues. You both passed the phase long time ago as all we know.

The real issue is she could not resolve her anger toward your past, because she CANNOT accept it, and she does not like it. She clearly knows it is useless to focus on your past, because she has no control over it, however could not help it to stop bothering her. I see it is your first time engagement, marriage to leave your freedom behind to start a new life with her. She knows the meaning very clearly. If she wanted to be secure from your past, SHE SHOULD RUSH the wedding to tie you up completely. So, your past is not the real issue, but an excuse for her to be outrageous. "YOU would leave me eventually..." statement is again totally BS and pointless, since you have a proven track record that you never been married & divorced in your life before.
If you marry, you will find her still talking about your past besides of your other 100's of imperfections & faults at age 80. It is her nature. Something will be always bugging her "A LOT", she will constantly make a big deal out of it, and she will flip & be outrageous helplessly to control everything in her way.


Bottom line is she is obsessive & compulsive person. Nothing will make her happy, and she will constantly outburst with rage.
I see this type of people in my work environment, and most of them are very successful & charismatic. It makes perfect sense because their obsessive & compulsive nature push them to focus on the 'imperfect & unfinished' tasks, force them to outrageously work hard to make it 'perfect & successful'. YOU will be 'the ongoing project' she will consume full of her rage in this setting under the name of 'LOVE & MARRIAGE'. That is what she is. For her, marriage is getting full authority to have you as her project, mold you in her way, she even could not wait to initiate it, and she began the power game even before the wedding in the restaurant.


I even tried to have a code word that would say that the argument was getting too out of control lets take a 5min break and regroup, she couldn't control her temper...

You made a very interesting point, when I did talk to her a few days after initial breakup she told me she had a rage inside of her even before she met me, that she needed help with..

It is VERY bad. 5 STAR RATED RED FLAG!
Her rage is coming from her nature. According to your information, it seems to me she has been acting out with unreasonable rage, and you could not successfully resolved it for the past 3 yrs. You have seen the issue, but you did not take it too seriously until now. She pushed the envelop too hard at this time, and you got the signal finally. The bad news is it is only the initial warning for appetizer. The good news is you could see it before wedding.

No decent man/woman deserved pubic humiliation in any circumstances. Any argument between couples should be done behind of door, not in public. You left the scene to avoid it, and it made her more furious. She is forcing hard now to make you to take it without resistance or avoidance. What she is saying is "Why do you care of saving your face from other strangers here? You are mine, and only focus on me & accommodate with me. When I am in rage, I will be out of control as you have seen for the past 3 yrs. Do not even try to avoid it." At the moment, wedding was almost done deal, she tested her authority in public little too early. In her mind, you should not dare to avoid it by that time. Do you think she did not know the public humiliation is not acceptable for any decent man/woman, but only for criminals? Do you think she would take it if you yelled at her in the restaurant? I pointed it out multiple times. If it was honest rage, she did not have to break off.

Even though she has all the dream traits you were looking for, she has a great fault. She is not a good wife material. She will easily make marriage disaster by flipping her mood in a second. I will leave her alone until she comes back, can realize & accept it, work it out, and finally reconstruct herself. I know how much you love her, and I am pretty sure you will not mind to make it as a long term project you guys work together.
Even worse, you say she rarely apologize. It means she does not believe she can be possibly wrong in any circumstances. For her, apologizing is shameful and IMPOSSIBLE to do it because she cannot accept her mistake or failure "to be perfect". Bottom line is she does not know how to step back, negotiate, deal with issues, or fight fairly. You have been together for 3 yrs , but had not 'real constructive conversation' with her. You always have apologized her to keep the peace at the moment. So, Until she can apologize sincerely without taking it as her 'bitter defeat' internally, you should not make any wedding talk.

In marriage, a couple have to make decisions daily base as a team. Disagreement is inevitable event though they have common goal for 'happiness'. If you cannot communicate & fight with her fairly, your marriage is dead.

Until you are being flat for her without any integrity left, she will continue to come back & battle with you by fully utilizing her rage. She has endless resource of rage from her nature. Scary... When something goes wrong, she will blame rage in her. " It is not me, it is rage in me." If she decided to be irresponsible for it, it is out of control...

Pslyne2233,

When is you W-day?
How many people think you guys should get married so far?

Winding 200. I cannot believe how incredibly accurate your assessment is of my situation.. you have described her personality. The majority of our fights usually began when we were going or I asked her to go to my hometown, where my ex gf's lived and we could've potentially ran into.. My response was typically "who cares Im in love with you, you were the only person I ever asked to marry me".. She still would be upset. You'd never know she had these types of behaviors if you ever met her, she was completely charming and cordial always. Recently my brother said to me he always wondered about her because she was always in a excessively happy mood. He thought it was an act at times, but know knows it was through her behaviors now. Virtually everyone I know are in shock that she is acting this way. People who really, really cared for her. Regarding the restaurant, she and her family thought that was the ultimate act of disrespect even though I was pleading with her that I didn't want to fight with her. I had exhausted all options to try to stop what she was doing.. I had no choice. She told me that her brother in this situation wouldve ran home got the car, drove her home, then told her she was wrong for doing that... So what they're saying is I should have put aside my own anger and humiliation, deal with her anger, and saw to it she wasn't left there alone. I walked home its only 1/4 mile from my house, she couldve called me out of concern, or took a taxi.. Like I said this was a yale/harvard grad, she couldn't have figured those things out?? She wanted to fight point blank... Again you are 100% correct, she suffers from the perfect syndrome and can never be wrong and apologize. On a different note Karma and I are not getting along, Karma is def letting me have a taste of my own medicine, SOB! haha.. I really don't see her coming around because of the hole she has dug and her ego being too big to overcome what she has created. I hope Im wrong and not just thinking negatively.. If by cahnce we do get back together we will be in counceling within the 1st week we get back together. This cannot and will not happen again. The wedding day was set to be Oct 17th. Many people will ask me why do I want to marry such a self centered, mean, selfish, Im started to question that myself.. This standoff has been going on too long and Im starting to get angry towards her actions and coldness. Winding 200 May God bless you, you've been a godsend and so helpful.. Thanks again!

pslayne2233,
you are very welcome. I did my best to be objective & analytical for you. I am glad it is helpful.

I think you better forget about her now, get focused on yourself & healed from the pointlessly heart wrenching drama. You know the 'real value of her' now, calm down, and re-evaluate the past 3 yrs with sober mind as well. You will realize the 'truth' a lot at this point. I know you did your best for her. The good news is you enjoyed her for 3 yrs while she behaved her best to get married. You should not have any regret even though you let go completely. I strongly believe that it will be only downhill from here even though she comes back. Do not expect too much to protect you from disappointment.

The statistics shows 45.8% of married couple end up divorce in 10 years in US (sadly), even though they had the perfect start. What could be yours honestly? I guess you know what I am trying to say here. We want to be in relationship to be happy, not suffering & be killed day by day.

Why don't you make a plan to take a good vacation to mind off as a single if your time permits? I am a world traveler, and always learn something new & excited in each trip. I think it is better ides to get fresh air, and make a new plan for tomorrow. Are you having good sleep in these days?

Winding 200.. I am getting better, through others insight and good ole time itself.. I think I read that divorce stats are actually down around 36-38% now which I'm sure is prob a financial reason some stay together.. Can u embellish something for me that you said.. Why do you think it will be downhill if she were to comeback? I would think she learned(hopefully) that she needed to change some things to make it work.. Are you still confident she will be back as you said prior? Also what did you mean when you said don't expect too much to protect me from disappointment? I have been keeping busy as much as I can.. My sleep is fine... Much appreciated responses

The divorce rate data of mine was not the most updated one. Is yours in last year? Regardless of the reason, I am glad the rate dropped. I am catholic, and anti-divorce. Once a couple wed in religion, I believe they have to make it work with their full heart for life time.

I am confident you guys will have communication. She will come in any forms, (possibly in a more dramatic & nasty way to demonstrate in my opinion), and it will give you a cue to talk it over. It is not coming back to your arms, but giving you a chance to talk it over. It is human nature to revisit the place on the memorial day (!). Negative reinforcement is certainly a type of reinforcement. Her anger is demonstrating her obsession. For an extreme example, if she resumes verbal attack around the W-day, it means she is breaking up NC, and you can step in and interact. Right now she resides in her ice land, and you should not knock the door.

"dont expect too much to protect me from disappointment "
I am talking about the progress & outcome, quality of relationship if you guys try the second time. You want to try hard, but you do not know how much she is willing to meet in a half way. If she already filtered out her anger, gained sanity, and deeply regrets, meets you with love, the damage can be recovered somewhat, you can make enough emotional reunion to try it again. What if she is still in the monstrous land? The argument will last forever without progress. Your emotional and mental resources will be drained, and you might want to walk away. You will have bad karma, exhausted, and resentful.
In my experience, the second time relationship is not as good as first one. Trust, intimacy, excitement, anticipation, and optimism is broken, and it will be filled with full of doubt and lack of confidence instead, and almost like in a 'rebound relationship' with the same person.
The truth is, if she COULD break up for months before pending wedding, she will possibly repeat it over and over again. The first time is always hard, but second time is much easier.
She did break off due to the crazy idea of "possibly you will leave me eventually...", which is only existing in her head but fabricated with her logic. She can make anything as 'the' reason she has to break up with you. Have you ever thought she might file a divorce because "you can possibly have fantasy over Penelope Cruz, and it is emotional cheating & will leave her eventually & emotionally"? HAHA Please do not laugh. To me she seems have a bipolar or personality disorder like symptom. (Sorry, I recently read too many mental illness books. I hope you understand I am not trying to attack her.) You guys will need professional counseling, but it will be a long process.

You think you can not replace her (really?), and you want to try hard to be logical & patient for both of you, while protect your dignity. But be honest, I am pessimistic about the outcome. It is given that it will be a hard journey with a woman she erupts like a volcano without any warning sign. I asked you this before. Why do you want this? You have choices as much she has.

Winding 200 we have that in common and my ex knows that I am anti divorce. Once Im married,that is it for me. I don't care what happens in the relationship,outside of infidelity, I will work through the problems that married people are posed with.Thick and thin, good times and in bad. Those are what I believe in and will never change my belief in that.I remain steadfast in my word.That is probably a reason I want my ex back so badly, I felt as if she was my wife. We lived together, she had a ring, the love, all we needed was the official piece of paper and a ceremony. Love is my marriage. I can see what your saying about the 2nd time being more challenging, trust and doubt will be on my mind,Im sure... I feel like the window of opportunity is closing for her. By that I mean this has gone on too long if it is a power game, and we are approaching 3 months apart. I feel that is ample time to sort things through. If she is missing me as much as Im missing her, I don't see the reason why she cannot reach out to me.. Im starting to get angry that she is treating our relationship as if it was insignificant. Not to sound redundant, but the check incident was a perfect forum just to ask how Im doing and hoping Im OK, just as I did to her. Its pure courtesy to ask how someone is doing especially if you were/are in love with them. Is it possible that was her display of "not caring" because I have broke all contact just as she asked,and she thinks I don't care for her? Ive spoken to some women, and they feel the same as you, it's a power struggle, and if that is really the case, she is just an a@#hole. Those same women say she did exactly opposite(cold,obtuse) of how she really feels. because if she was really over it she couldve been at least more thankful let alone cordial. As to your question about dating other women, I feel she is the one(as crazy as that sounds), my heart is on fire for her. She does have great qualities about her or I wouldve told her where the door is a long time ago. As of right now, Im taking care of me, working as much as I can, trying to stay emotional focused, I have been working out like a fiend, but I always feel like there is something big missing and its her. Im hoping she feels the same and comes to her senses, because like I said before, Im getting angry from her mistreatment, and she's going to lose me at some point close in the future.. Have a great day Winding 200!

pslayne2233,
All you said is so correct and accurate. You are a such a decent man who is in love indeed. I cannot believe she broke off from you & her luck for a crazy reason nobody understands. It is her loss... The bottomline is if she cherished the relationship as you do, she would not break it off even for a minute, and it has been too long... You have tried so hard to talk it over, and she has refused. You need to accept that she is not caring it as much as you do.

When I had a relationship problem, I had poured myself into work & totally became a workaholic. It was the most productive way to heal. HAHA we have that in common as well. Have a great day, friend!

Over weekend, my husband and I flew to Florida, and stayed at the house of my father-in-law 's best friend couple. The man is a prominent 'somebody' in Washington D.C. area, and his wife is absolutely gorgeous even for her age. They have been married for 45years successfully.
Over diner, I politely asked them how they met. Here is the story from his wife.
"I went to a charity dance party with a group of my girl friends, and I saw him in the party . He was the hottest eligible bachelor in the area by the time. He was with his date, and she was beautiful. (she said 3 times literarily his date was beautiful.) After a couple of drinks. my girl friends became playful, they pushed me to him while he was dancing with his date. We bumped to each other, and said Hello. It was the start of our conversation. Long in shot, he asked me to go out with him week after, and he proposed me in 6 month."
They smiled at each other, and hold hands.

The wife instantly made the man as trophy (the hottest eligible bachelor) and herself as the true winner (over beautiful girls in the area) to a stranger (me). I realized that she is the most valuable asset in the mansion, and how they could make the wonderful marriage for 45 years.

pslayne2233,
What could be the statement if your ex was in the scenario?

Hello Winding 200, Im sorry could you embelllish on the question posed? I don't understand what specifically your asking me? Are you asking me what would my ex say upon our meeting each other? Or how she viewed me upon meeting each other? Hope all is well with you!

Question: If I texted my ex about a check that was for her in my mailbox, and asked her where she wanted me to mail the check to does this break or violate the no contact rule??

Winding 200 I will answer what I think your asking me.. I think my ex viewed me as "hottest eligible bachelor" for sure.. But like I said I had a significant past.. And this scared her very much.. I never thought I would be married, until I met her. But unfortunately she believes that people don't change and will always resort to a life more comfortable to them in times of trouble.. She viewed a few incidents similar to the event that happened at the restaurant as a sign that I would eventually leave her... And I believe that's why she is gone today...

What's up buddy?

Sorry, I didn't really read any of the eighty responses to this thread, and apologize if I'm way behind the ball here. Anyway let's get down to it.

In my personal, professional opinion, it sounds like she was looking for some sort of reason to break it off with you, I mean who the hell does what she did in public? Like come on, that's just dumb and retarded. Embarrassing isn't even the word. I think you should let it go man, but here's what I really wanted to get across, I HATE the fact that you randomly added about her education, makes me think your only seeing dollar signs, and not really seeing her, I mean I just don't see the point of you adding that at all, and you can write back and give me some wack answer, but I don't want to hear it, lol. I just think she's done especially if she's been NC with you for a month, time to heal buddy, sorry.

Yours Truly,
LCM

Lifechangesman,
Hate is a strong word especially if you don't fully understand the reason or care to ask why I mentioned her education.. But to answer you, in your catch phrase whack, I added her education because I would expect most people with that kind of education should be a bit more civilized. Don't you agree? By the way, whack is spelled with an H.Im not really sure what rock you climbed from underneath, but to suggest I saw dollar signs, is an insight to how you think so shallow. You see, we met in a hospital because Im a physician as well. I think most people on this sight are trying to be helpful and considerate. I don't find you considerate nor "professional", as you claim to be. So if you could refrain from future further posts on my 80 threads, it would be appreciated. Take your "hate" elsewhere OK.. Thanks

Lifechangesman.. Do you realize you called another person dumb and retarded? You must be pretty bored to go onto a sight to where your descriptive adjectives are dumb and retarded? Maybe you need to stick with sites with Steve-O and Wee man where that kind of talk is native? Just my opinion of your situation.. lol

Your ex sounds very insecure.if your see yourself three months into the future where would you be?really and truly? All the best to you.

Jeez, and to think I was trying to help you. Lol

Comical for you to be criticizing people trying to help you, regardless of whether you totally disagree 100%.

Maybe you just need a big hug. Lol

I hope it all works out for the best for you my friend.

I'm going back under my rock,

LCM.

Amicon, thanks for the reply.. My ex is /was insecure of me and my past. That's an additional reason why I stated her education.. Hence, she is used to things being very planned and doesn't like static or things(my past) that could impede on her plan.. I think you asked me where could I see myself in 3 months honest and truly? Ideally, I would hope to amend with my ex and we carry on the intense love that we shared and try to correct the reasons we separated. If not ideal, then I will suppose I will be a better person from what Ive learned and how I felt about someone.. Just happened to me once and it took so long to find her. Will be a stronger person but unfortunately because of the no closure, Im afraid Im not going to trust what women might say to me, and that is a sad thing to feel..

You d benefit from some space and thinking time .I did.
Relationships take a lot of work and both parties should contribute in the process. All the best.

Winding 200 I will answer what I think your asking me.. I think my ex viewed me as "hottest eligible bachelor" for sure.. But like I said I had a significant past.. And this scared her very much.. I never thought I would be married, until I met her. But unfortunately she believes that people dont change and will always resort to a life more comfortable to them in times of trouble.. She viewed a few incidents similar to the event that happened at the restaurant as a sign that I would eventually leave her... And I believe thats why she is gone today...

pslayne2233,
sorry for late response. Yes, that was my point. Depends on mind setting, people can make themselves happy or miserable in any given situation. As I said before, the old woman made the marriage successful since she saw her husband as treasury 'due to the flamboyant past' and appreciated him so much. Your ex is a type of woman, constantly focus on the bad side of the fact, downgrade & destroy the value. If she does not appreciate you, your marriage proposal & life commitment, only bothered by your past & make troubles constantly, nobody can help it. She has doubt about you, marriage, and your commitment, and she is breaking off based on her suspicion.

What I can say is she is not emotionally mature enough to sort out important things vs. not important things & deal with the facts. I hope she learns the lesson that she should not blow up the most precious thing over minor doubts, and grow up. It is so immature she is still threatened by the 'ghost' of your ex girlfriend before the wedding while she is soon to be a wife. Gee... Why is she missing that much? She does not know how to see the forest at all, and created disaster for you and herself.

I hope you are doing well.

Pslayne you should just keep making up excuses for why this isn't your fault, it seems to be working out for you.

Winding 200. Excellent example and story. Im reflecting back about our relationship and I recall her saying that her mother suffered so much pain when her father died that she never wanted to experience that of which her mother went through. Im beginning to feel that no matter what I said or did she wouldve downgraded and destroyed our relationship because she had a fear of commitment from getting hurt. I guess in the end she chose just to love herself and not our relationship. I would at least every 6 weeks do a emotional mental check in with her, by asking her if everything with our relationship was everything she wanted and everything she would want it to be.. Her answer was always.. yes, this is what Ive always wanted and Im happy. That's where Im confused more I guess, she had the opportunity to vent or state what she wished could change.. I didn't always ask when we were out and about and happy, when most everyone says they're happy, I asked her unexpectedly.. I guess Im just a slave to time to see if what she really wanted was our relationship... Im doing better thanks for asking, and I hope all is well for you. Peace to you.

I wouldn't want her raising my children that's for sure!

Im beginning to feel that no matter what I said or did she wouldve downgraded and destroyed our relationship because she had a fear of commitment from getting hurt. I guess in the end she chose just to love herself and not our relationship.
Yes, excellent insight, and that was my point.
That tells the level of love she has for you. If she cannot jump down from the cliff with you, she cannot make the real Love or Marriage happen.
She chose herself not you. She told you she would, but she abandoned you at the last moment, while you already jumped down.


Her answer was always.. yes, this is what Ive always wanted and Im happy. That's where Im confused more i guess, she had the opportunity to vent or state what she wished could change..

pslayne2233,
The more I read your post, the more I am convinced you have been a very considerate boyfriend, and will make a wonderful husband for the special lucky woman who sees your value and appreciate your loving nature much.

I believe she has been happy with you, and you do not have to doubt it. She just could not make the last step toward the wedding, due to her unreasonably nasty & self-destructive nature. It is not you or your love. It is her. She destroyed & downgraded herself 'from the happiest bride-to-be' to ' a loser who lost the wonderful great-husband-to-be' pointlessly. She damaged herself the most not you. Have you ever thought about she killed the wedding, future husband and future children? If then, is she a murderer? HA-HA I am trying to be funny to cheer you up. I believe her feeling is hurt 'by her choice', and still blame something else for the cause of pain. Let's see what progress she will make by the W-day. Love hurts. Right? Have a great day.

Pslayne2233,
I know your W-Day is getting close. How is everything going? Any contacts from your ex-fiancé?

Winding200
The wedding day is approaching in Oct. I feel like Im getting better either from time or realization that she has some real issues that she has to conquer for her own growth. The things that you have said to me really made sense and struck some chords. I was willing to work out the problems, which weren't many, but she was not. There is the problem. Im also feeling a major obstacle was that she was ambivalent on where she wanted to live. She went to school and works in the Northeast but is unsure if she wanted to stay here or move back home, where it is warmer and her family is around. I did tell her that I would go with her if that was the case, but she either didn't believe me or didn't want me that bad to go with her. It has been two months since we last had contact, she still hasn't contacted me in any form, and I have not contacted her either. I really feel, as you have said, that this is her loss. On a side note, she does a local TV program, and one day a friend and I happen to watch it and it seemed as if she was really forcing smiles in between periods of sadness. It was sad to me as well because of love lost and if she is somber, why she hasn't tried to reach out to me just to say hello or just ask how Im doing. She just does not make any sense. Thank you for checking in with me Winding 200.

You sound like a really nice person.one day you ll meet someone who deserves you.

Thank you Amicon that was really nice.. I am confident that my special person will come into my life, can only look forward to that day.

Good luck.:-)

Pslayne2233,
Good to hear from you. I am glad you feel better as time goes by. I had a slim hope that if she reached out and try to talk to you. I guess she is still processing her action, but prioritizing her high ego than marriage. You still have time, and let see how it goes. Her anxiety level should reach the peak by the W-Day, and she will reach out in any forms.

Regarding to the relocation, it is not a major issue since you are willing to follow her decision. We went through relocation process for marriage, and I know how it works. Did I say I met my husband in Europe during business trip, and we found out that we lived in different states, and 2 hours a part on the day one? We both constantly traveled internationally, it was definitely long distance relationship for 2 years until we get married, but we never thought it was an obstacle or an excuse for breakup. He eventually sold his house & moved in my place, we both changed our jobs to avoid frequent traveling to get married. It was a big & stressful transformation, but it was not a big deal for a couple who were in love & wanted to be together for lifetime. Actually the whole process proved & deepened the level of commitment and love in each time, and is very rewarding.
In relocation, she actually can take advantage which you both start fresh in the 'ex girlfriend free' land since she is so neurotic. She needs to grow up to get rid of the childish fear though.

Local TV Show? How fancy. I guess you are a fan of her.

Her issue is not about location to live. She is not sure about a lot of things include herself. She put herself in pain due to her doubt, insecurity, jealousy, and unreasonable rage. She has extraordinary IQ, but her EQ level is not mature enough to handle the marriage. She needs to look at hard her action & consequences and learn the lessons to come out by W-Day. You need to lead her to grow up, not be leaded by her confusion. In worst case, if she doe not reach out to you until a week after the W-day, you have all the right to ask her to choose counseling or closure. Have a good day.

P.S.
If you still wants to reconcile, stay away from any women age between 15 - 65, and stick with your mother only until W-Day. It will put you in the best position to lead the situation when time comes. HAHA

Hi Windind 200.. God you are insightful! Thanks again for the responses! I don't think that she will reach out before Wday for two reasons.. One: her pride is too big to contact me, because she has so much egg on her face from acting impulsively to me and how she handled this situation. Two: her birthday is 10 days after the wedding so she will focus on that.. ha! Im sure she will be in Puerto Rico on Wday as well to get support from her family. Ive never been a romantic until her.. Im with you when it comes to love, I will travel the earth, step in front of a bus for my loved one.. I used to think that if we did move away it would help her and subsequentially our relationship.. But that opinion has changed because like we said before, she would find anything to devalue and destroy our relationship. I went to my PCP yesterday and he put some things into perspective. He said there are two reasons I shouldn't want someone like her.. She either wasn't up front with me if this was something that she has been thinking about,(liar) or so irrational and impulsive that she makes foolish decisions regardless of who she hurts. I have stayed away from women all together.. It wouldn't be fair to me or that person.. I would be comparing the two the whole time, and that wouldn't be fair to that woman. If she doesn't contact me before Wday I believe I have my closure. She is just a selfish self centered jerk, this would be my understanding. After seeing her on TV and the sorrow on her face, I couldn't help feeling what a masochist she is.. Why put yourself through that much pain for something so easily fixable? There has to be more than meets the eye here, which if there is, she will be reduced to the liar staus which is where she is headed. Have a great day Winding 200!

Winding 200 I can't tell you how much you've helped me through this with your advice and insight. I am truly thankful. I put you in my prayers nightly and thank God that he put me in touch with such a bright compassionate person. You are special.

pslayne2233,
You are quite welcome. I am glad my input is helping you. It is my true pleasure to help you such a decent gentleman in a tough time. I am not special, but I am passing you my hard learned lessons to make you better decision. Thnaks for listening :)

Hi Windind 200.. God you are insightful! Thanks again for the responses! I don't think that she will reach out before Wday for two reasons.. One: her pride is too big to contact me, because she has so much egg on her face from acting impulsively to me and how she handled this situation. Two: her birthday is 10 days after the wedding so she will focus on that.. ha! Im sure she will be in Puerto Rico on Wday as well to get support from her family. Ive never been a romantic until her.. Im with you when it comes to love, I will travel the earth, step in front of a bus for my loved one.. I used to think that if we did move away it would help her and subsequentially our relationship.. But that opinion has changed because like we said before, she would find anything to devalue and destroy our relationship. I went to my PCP yesterday and he put some things into perspective. He said there are two reasons I shouldn't want someone like her.. She either wasn't up front with me if this was something that she has been thinking about,(liar) or so irrational and impulsive that she makes foolish decisions regardless of who she hurts. I have stayed away from women all together.. It wouldn't be fair to me or that person.. I would be comparing the two the whole time, and that wouldn't be fair to that woman. If she doesn't contact me before Wday I believe I have my closure. She is just a selfish self centered jerk, this would be my understanding. After seeing her on TV and the sorrow on her face, I couldn't help feeling what a masochist she is.. Why put yourself through that much pain for something so easily fixable? There has to be more than meets the eye here, which if there is, she will be reduced to the liar staus which is where she is headed. Have a great day Winding 200!

Im with you when it comes to love, I will travel the earth, step in front of a bus for my loved one..

You are in true love, and that's why I feel for you, and like to help you as much as possible. My husband crossed continents, countries, and states to be with me every weekend wherever I was, no matter how hectic schedules we both had. We are both executives, and it was not easy, but he only missed one weekend due to the snow storm for the entire 2 years period from the first date to the wedding. We joke about it as 'world wide hide and seek'. It is love.

Picking up a non existing issue over ex girlfriend, humiliated fiancé in public, dumped him for months before wedding is obviously not love. If she put her ego and birthday before marriage, what can you possibly achieve together? I feel so sorry for her, because she has no idea how to see 'true love'. It is her loss.


Why put yourself through that much pain for something so easily fixable?
Because she decided not to fix it, but rather let go, and is willing to risk to lose all. Her best interest is herself but nothing else. I almost think if she set up the restaurant scene to exit herself unconsciously, since she has been so stubborn & nasty persistently. She has too many issues, and I think you waste your heart for someone totally wrong for your future. Let's see how she proves herself until wday. As I said before, you have nothing to lose more at this point. Have a great day.

Hi Winding 200. Thanks again for the responses. I am just stunned that she has not tried to reach out to me after 3 years, living together, and engaged. Some of my friends say I should reach out to her because she might be too embarrassed to contact me from the things she has done. I don't feel it should be me to contact her because this was her decision, not mine. I expressed to her over and over this is not what I want. What an %#@hole! Some say this is a power game to her where she wants me to submit to her will.. Im starting to wonder if there is somebody else involved? I can say 100%, that she wasn't with anybody when we where together. Im just so confused, maybe this is what she wants me to be is confused, so I call her? I don't want to break my no contact with her because it will hurt my dignity that Ive attained from no longer letting her step all over me, and I think it was her decision to let go so it should be her decision to come back. Honestly the window to allow her back, if that would happen, is closing. She is continuing to be a jerk.. I just don't understand why she is waiting to call just to say hi as a friend after 3 years..? Sadly, I still miss her. Any advice on what to do at this point? Thank you!

I don't want to break my no contact with her because it will hurt my dignity that Ive attained from no longer letting her step all over me, and I think it was her decision to let go so it should be her decision to come back. Honestly the window to allow her back, if that would happen, is closing. She is continuing to be a jerk.. I just don't understand why she is waiting to call just to say hi as a friend after 3 years..? Sadly, I still miss her.

I will be always supportive no matter what direction you choose.

However, in my opinion, the best choice is keep NC until a week after w-day.
I was in a similar situation, and I exactly know what you are going through. There is a cycle you miss her, hate her, hate yourself to miss the jerk, and wonder if she will be with someone else. No matter what it is, you should not contact her. She broke off, play this game because she does not love you enough or need you as much you do. Your pain means nothing to her. Remember, when you broke off with other girls previously without telling them clearly, did that incident hurt you that much? Absolutely not! If you go back now, it will only put her in a superior position, you will only loose dignity, and put yourself in a position to be dumped easily again for anything emotionally or physically. If you crawl back after this harsh treatment without your fault, her next dump will be even more humiliating & cruel. She is not a sweetheart type girl, you hug & cry, and put everything behind, and move forward together, as you hope. What we are trying to do is, let her realize the consequences of her action & the level of damage, and fix her as 'manageable partner' for your successful relationship. Your NC is punishing her as you can assume, and it is the best remedy for her now. That is your power. You still have a good chance to turn her as trained wife because you have the wday deadline. People's mind run based on the deadline. Her rage will be on peak when the deadline comes, and she will learn the lesson. If you crawl back now, you throw your last chance to fix your relationship, and accomplish nothing except express your desperation.

What was her exact word when she left you? Let's review it again. (in case, if you prefer not to publish it, please email me on this site. I believe this site has a function you can email me without knowing my email address. We are anonymous anyway, it should not be a matter though.)

Again, I had a similar situation. I had 2 major relationship before I met my husband, the first ex, coincidently ivy league MD, gave me the exactly similar pain. He accused me for something ridiculously minor, and broke off. I tried to talk it over, but he closed up. I started NC, embarrassed, could not talk to anyone due to my ego, and dealt with my bare heart and my limited knowledge in pain and confusion. That's why I am trying to be your support. I was angry because I was accused wrongfully, and the pain I had to suffer for the stupid reason was too harsh. I literally prayed god "please bring him back to me for any cost", and I meant it. I really thought his place was the last paradise, he is the last person I could love. I felt myself a person who was kicked off from heaven. If someone said to me stop praying it at that moment, I would not listen (you are here now I guess.)

Fortunately and unfortunately, God always listen to us. Magically, the MD turned himself after I gave him 4weeks of NC treatment. Guess what. When I walked in his place again, I clearly realized that the place was not the paradise I imagined, and I could see all his fault at this time. I grew up through pain! I realized he was not worth for my heart. It was clearly "pink lens effect". We all paint our missed love with rosy color. It is human nature. He continued his childish act on and off. A year later, I finally dumped the irrational & selfish jerk, who is helplessly annoying me & himself tremendously & pointlessly. (that's why I said do not expect too much.) He suddenly obsessed with me, chased me like crazy for years (This is another reason of NC for you), but I lost feelings and moved on. Relationship should not be difficult or heart wrenching for any reason. It is very true you get hurt as much you love, and the level of hurt reinforce your love again as a cycle, but it is not working for long term relationship at all.

By the way, I like to talk about how you should approach when time comes. I think you need 'demanding alpha male' approach not dedicated fiancé for your ex, who is unreasonably stubborn. In long run, what I see is, your ex liked to be punished as she punished you (by someone or you), and it will satisfy her because she believes the level of pain tells the intensity of love. She is seeking a cruel type of love. That's why your friend told you to stay away from this woman, and I agree with him. She is very likely end up with a worse jerk than she is, if your relationship does not work. She is like a volcano, she needs to burn someone else, or burn herself if it is not possible to burn anyone. Let her burn herself until w-day. The harder she burns, the better result will come. It will be definitely beneficial for both of you. I will not extinguish the fire if I am you. I hope it makes sense. Have a good day.

Winding 200 you are awesome and I really appreciate the help. Im going through peaks and valleys with my feelings and you are on point with your replies. I have to work until 11pm so I won't be able to answer in full until then.. Question.. Most of my friends, co workers, some family say I shouldn't contact her because its her decision.. Puerto Rican people will say call her and keep calling her.. According to them,that is what their women like and want to know that you really want them. They say it's a cultural thing? Do you think there is some validity to this? Or stick to my guns? Thanks so much

Winding 200 you are awesome and I really appreciate the help. Im going through peaks and valleys with my feelings and you are on point with your replies. I have to work until 11pm so I won't be able to answer in full until then.. Question.. Most of my friends, co workers, some family say I shouldn't contact her because its her decision.. Puerto Rican people will say call her and keep calling her.. According to them,that is what their women like and want to know that you really want them. They say it's a cultural thing? Do you think there is some validity to this? Or stick to my guns? Thanks so much

I love to hear your cultural aspects, and you are really considerate. I actually thought about it too when I read your post. My answer is still no contact. Here are the reasons.

1. I am not sure how long she lived in US, and how much she has Americanized, but if she completed the highest level education & hold professional occupation in US, she is American not Puerto Rican. If you treat her as non American, it is insulting in my opinion.
2. I agree her rage in public is not American way at all. However, you should not follow her level.
3. Love expression in some culture... I happened to watch some low level dramas in Italy & Spain during biz trips to kill time. Normally, the 30 minutes drama contained the full life cycle of passionate love, dating, misunderstanding, love rival, jealousy, marriage, infidelity, and murder. The most effective way a man proves love & regains a dismissed lover is "threatening lover by suicidal attempt".
A man does not call, but visit her. Choose a place & time while he can have many audiences as possible (e.g. work or family). Throw himself on her feet, shout loudly (so audiances can hear) he loves her and he cannot live without her. She will resist. Then he tries to commit suicide in front of her with a "big and shinny dagger". Her ego will be fully charged, she will happily rescue & accept him.
If you play this in front of her family at her birthday in Puerto Rico, I am pretty sure she will take you back temporarily (if she is Puerto Rican inside) . And what? Where are you heading to?
4. She is a very efficient woman, and she clearly knows what she is doing.
5. I am not concerned about her cultural background, but her TV shows. I have some experience in public show, and people act differently in front of camera. In terms, we develop a TV persona. If the shows last long enough, she can internalize it, and have 'drama' personality. If you start to call, probably you have to say 1000 times to lower yourself to the lowest bottom until you reach the drama effect to get results. And what? Where are you heading to from here again?
6. I am not sure if it is valid or not, but just pass you my thought. I have a feeling that even though you adore her as the most confident woman, she might have some inferior feeling inside her against your ex girlfriend, if they were American girls. Once again, you cannot help her. She needs to overcome.

So, what is your goal at this moment?

Winding200 I can understand your points of her dramatic effect of her and her culture . I don't understand by what you mean about her TV show? I'm a litle lost on that one.. She has been in this country since college days. So I'm going to figure at least 10 years, but she holds on to her heritage with exceptional high regards. Yes she does know what she's doing which makes it more confusing, why hasn't she called, emailed, or any contact just as a friend?? She went from 100 to 0.. My goal is to hopefully get he back one day, get counciling on how to better our arguments. In your opinion, do you think she will contact me?? Sorry for the redundance.. Thank you

Yes she does know what she's doing which makes it more confusing, why hasn't she called, emailed, or any contact just as a friend?? She went from 100 to 0..

Pslayne2233,
You are love striken man, and your mind is stuck with the good time, not the fact of breakup. Do you remember what she said when she broke off? Her action constantly says she is gone for her choice. She is keep giving you harsh treatment, and you are expecting friendly gesture. You are way off.

The reason she is not saying hi to you again:
1. she broke off from you
2. she chose to be alone since she broke off
3. she does not miss you terribly
3. she does not love you terribly
4. she does not regrets her action
5. she has no intention to reconcile
6. she determinded to treat you as nobody at this point

Women with high ego do not say hi to ex just like a friend. Never. Some women try to reach out ex just like a friend to protect themselves from rejection, but friendship is not the actual goal unless they are completely over ex. She is very straightforward woman like a warier, and she does not vent. She cannot over you until wday. She has no reason to come out to you just like a friend. It is simple. Her only choice is opening her chest and talk. She will not do it due to her ego & nasty personality. I think she never trust anyone. I even doubt if she regrets her action.

One thing sure is she keeps all the negative energy & anger inside of her, broil down, and ready to explode by wday. When she outburst, she has to do something probably in the disturbing way (E.g. She will send you the wedding stuff with bad word), and you will catch the opportunity to talk. It will be the weakest point for her, and I constatnly tell you that this is the opportunity you direct her for open your communication. Dumping is not easy as you know. However, she has hold herself very successfully, and keep dumping you until now. Does it say anything to you?

She is not a lovely woman as you think, but mean as your friends said. That's why you guys need counseling. You are very considerate person, but fall for wrong person somehow. How many times did I tell you I would run if I am you...

Regarding to culture again:
I do not have Puerto Rican cultural background at all, but it is a big mistake to think that the specific culture allows women to be nasty and does not even vent & reconcile. If that is true, the whole society will be the hell for men. I do not believe there is such a cultural code in the country, but rather variance in each individual. Historically, women were supposed to be submissive to be loved by men, and in my observation as a world traveler, people in tropical region are all relaxed and peaceful due to the blissful weather. I had a tropical beach wedding in Puerto Rico by myself a couple years ago simply it was my fantacy (another coincidence), and I saw everywoman there was so corporative and sweet. If you argue I do not know them in depth, then I have no ground.

Hi Winding 200. I hope all is well with you.. Again you are right on the money with your assessment of my situation. My ex proved all the things you mentioned about how she feels. She doesn't miss me, she doesn't love me terribly,and has determined to not care about my feelings or respect how I could feel. Just a recent case in point, I went on her TV shows website and there were photos of a Latin night cruise and she was photographed with other men during the cruise. Irrespective of if they were just friends or co workers she has not a concern of how they might be perceived. If she has moved on that quickly after being engaged it would be respectful to me and my family to at least keep the photos private? I know everbody is different but I think the general consensus would agree that the photos of her with other men is unclassy and disrespectful. I guess I was hoping for a reconciliation but that is out of the question now. I read your prior post and you mentioned her communicating to me before Wday in a way that is particularly nasty.. Is this the type of communication you were talking about? At least time is showing me that she is a terribly selfish person and I have been making excuses for her selfishness and horrible actions.Someone posted that acceptance is the last part of grieving and its becoming clear that I have to accept this and try to heal.. Thank you for all of your responses and insight

I read your prior post and you mentioned her communicating to me before Wday in a way that is particularly nasty.. Is this the type of communication you were talking about?

Pslayne1234,
I guess you are hurt by the fact. Yes, it is classic girly power game, and this is what I expected. She chose not to apologize you, but to push you harder to drive you nuts. Photographed with other men in cruise, and let them displayed on world wide web before wday? Gee, she is nastier & lower than I estimated. She has no respect for you or your reputation. If she was considerate person, she could talk to web editor to not to display them. It is extension of the restaurant scene. It is very bad sign for marriage. I do not believe she already initiated another relationship even before the wday, as she always accused your past while she claimed her high standard. But who knows. She might project her inner desire to you. (FYI. Women do not necessarily confess her past 100%. We selectively tell some of them.) She targeted you as the major audience, when she showed her sad face on TV, and let the photo displayed on web. She is ware of the impact on you, and she calculated all. Obviously, she wants to be chased harder from now, and get wed somehow in October as scheduled since it is only August. Smile! :)

It is up to you.
Option 1. You saw a cue, you have all the right to confront her now. However, the cue is not too strong enough, and you have to admit you were stalking her, and am very jealous about the other guys in the photo. It gives her more power temporarily. You can brush it off. You are still the fiancé until wday, and she has unrefundable wedding gown for 'your wedding' in her closet. You are in better shape than you think as I told you. If you only fight in her level, it will be fruitful. You can open a really heated fight as a man who stand up for dignity. Let's see what she has to say.

Option 2. Better yet, you can smile & wait until she throw more cues. If the web does not work, she will do something more dramatic & nastier to step on your nerves. It is only August, and she has plenty of time to create more ugly dramas before wday. Actually it will show who really she is. If you show no movement by wday, she will be really upset, outburst, but more manageable for you as I said many times. You fight less, and can win more if you wait by wday.

If you choose #1 or #2,
Double check your goal before initiate fighting, call her up or show up and throw a heated line. The tougher entry is the better. Once start, do not step back until you get what you want. Say everything in your chest without filtering just like she did. It is healthy for you to open up and get out all your anger. Fight hard and show you are the man who has dignity. You have nothing to loose. You can win to take her to counseling, or at least get clean closure. Win win situation. If she start to cry at some point in the fighting, you can assume you win. A fighter is not crying, but a woman do. By the way, if you win, still you need good counseling before wedding. If you skip it, your marriage will be disaster.

Option 3. If you think she is not wroth for all the childish drama, pointless hurt, counseling & possibly troublesome marriage, walk away and pursue someone else. She might not let you go peacefully, and throw more dramas.

Please review the options, and pick one. I will be supportive no matter what you choose. It is all your call. I like #1 or #2. Smile! :)

Winding 200.. I am actually quite impressed on how you are calling this step by step.. Upon seeing her pictures I was questioning if there was a calculated motive behind them. In the 3 years of us dating she was never photographed except in the studio. In fact she is a super private person from the experience Ive had, and would not be so public.. I am going to sustain my pride and self esteem. I am not going to call her,email, text.. nothing. I will keep whatever integrity I have taken back.. Im probably wrong but I believe she will run to Puerto Rico on the Wday under the cloak and protection of her family. She has already scheduled that time off so she will have the support of the family on those days.. Not only has she displayed incredible selfishness and inconsideration, she has proved her cowardice by running from her problems that she has created. I am so grateful for your support and will follow any advice you can give..

Winding 200.. You were right again. I didn't look at the pictures on her website but there were more pics of her with another man sent by a friend.. The general consensus by those who viewed felt the man was gay.. Either way he was seated right next to her with his arm around her. Still inconsiderate and rude.. But we knew she was going to do this as you said.. I almost called her but glad I didn't.. The wedding is a month and a half away.. I wonder if I should do the same, taking pics with women to play her game.. Im sure she will look at my ic and say see, I left for the right decision.. Any input Winding 200?

Do the obvious, and let her go!! Keeping this drama alive in your head does you not one bit of good!

Talanian.. Question what is the obvious?

The obvious here is that you should let this go-realise that its over and move on.you need to do this for YOU.Whatever your ex does has nothing to do with you now.

Amicon have you read the past couple of posts winding 200 has posted? Would you agree with her assessment of what's going on
?

I ll read and get back to you :-)

I can't agree as I don't know.only your ex knows why she s acting the way she is.my opinion is that if someone were to treat me the way your ex has treated you I wouldn't want them back.I realise you re hurting but only you can change the way you react to things that happen in your life.look after yourself.

I almost called her but glad I didn't.. The wedding is a month and a half away.. I wonder if I should do the same, taking pics with women to play her game

Pslyne2233,
Sorry for late response. I have been out of country for a while for vacation.

To answer your question, I will not play a game just like she did. The whole wedding plan was destroyed since she played it as power game. Nobody should waste energy & time to play a game. If there is an issue, it needed to be talked over, and fixed. Our focus is in growing love, not hurting each other & destroying relationship .

I rather call or meet her, tell her clearly it is her last chance, address the issues directly, and ask her straight answers. Overall, she invested years in the relationship, prepared all the wedding in detail, and you are giving her the last chance to fix her own fault as mature fiancé. If the answer is positive, you will work through counseling, if the answer is negative, you take it as closer, and have to move on. You guys have been in NC for long time already, she had enough time to consider her childish action, and she may take her last chance to make it up for future. I hope she is not that stupid to loose future over her childish game at this time.

Winding 200 I feel because she was the one to call it off then she should be the one to initiate conversation.. Im quite surprised she hasn't thus far. I will give up any ground I may have made for myself.. She is a really an inconsiderate human being. Its her call.. Any insight?

Leave her alone, as she is not making any attempts at amends or reconciliation. I wouldn't expect any either, nor would I accept any, if she did.

pslayne2233,
You are right. It is all her fault, she created all the disasters, humiliated you, destroyed the wedding plans and future. Yes, she has to come out as responsible person, apologize, fix her mistake, and make it up to you indeed. However, as we expected, she has not come out due to her selfish ego. Instead, she is keep creating childish movement here and there, (1. called you and said she miss-dialed, 2. sad face on TV, 3. photos on web).

Tell her it has been her call, but she hasn't improved, and ask her last decision, just like you said here. If I am you, I will not disappear in silence after witnessing her consistent childish act. As fiancé, I rather point out her mistakes, ask her firm answers as confirmation for the last time. You are not begging her to come back, but claiming your right before wday, ask her to fix it for the last time with generosity, and I do not see any issues.

I suggest you look at the facts here.she broke up with you.she has made no attempts at sorting this out.you re sadly stuck in trying to secondguessing her behaviour.you need to move away from spending your life trying to analyze your exes thoughts actions etc.

Amicon you sound like my ex will not make any attempts to reconcile.. where Winding 2oo
Feels she will before the wedding day. Winding has plotted her every move uncluding her last move by being photographed. Winding 200 also feels Im in a better position than I think in this matter, and feels she will come around for 1 reason or the other... If the wedding day passes and still no contact then there is my closure Ive been looking for.. Thanks to All.!

A number of us have tried to give you advice how you can move on with your life.its up to you how you chose to interprete this.

Your hope is false, and your pride has blinded you to her actions. This was your preview of her love, and if you need a closure for this episode with further humiliation, and rejection, so be it, go for it.

So by talinin and amicar this relationship is done once and for all, do i understand any of this? Point black----this relationship is over. Is that what you're implying? How about devising a wy to get her back... have a great labor day weekend.. safety to all!!

Geez, after all this time at least get the names right!!

Sorry guy, that you don't share the opinion she is a spoiled flake and you can do better, but any female I was going to marry would have to come with it a lot better than the one you have.

I just don't go in for that kind of disrespect, or childish games from someone who is supposed to be an adult.

What gets me is why you would want her back? Ain't that much love in the world, and nowhere do you have anything concrete that she wants you in the first place.

I am so happy I read this, I am not alone. We are so dumb in-love.

Yeah, you're blinded. You have to NC her because nothing you can say is going to convince her. It's the fact that you're not saying anything that will convince her if she even is convinceable

If there was a time limit for your NC before you should break it, it'd be 6 months. That is of course assuming that you still care about her after 6 months. Just wait 6 months and see how you feel later down the road.

So, is there an update on this? I'm going through something similar and would be interested to know. Thanks.

Hi twelvemonkeys .I suggest you post your story for some advice on your situation.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/what-up-wife-385436-5.html

This is his link, and his last post was moved, and edited, so as not to hijack this thread from the original poster.

Hi pslayne,
I am back from my trip last night. How are you doing? I hope you are doing well. Any progress? I know you are hurt, and unsure about her.

I see many members are suggesting you to walk away while I was gone. I am against the tide. I have been a queen of NC before I married, and I never tried to reconcile with anyone I broke off. However, I never broke off before wedding, and your case should be treated as different than others. What I learned is life is not that all about ego. It is important to protect your ego, but it is also important to try hard enough to get something you really want, and fix the problems as well. We only live once.

Once again, confront her childish actions, and firmly ask her final decision. You have all the RIGHT to be demanding before w-day. You are not the victim of her childish actions, and you should be the OWNER of your life. Otherwise, you will still wonder 'what if... ' 10 years later. What else you could loose? You would get positive answer or firm closure. As I said before, make a firm plan, and approach it.

The reason I think you should ask her answer for final again is:
You & your fiancé did not have the critical issue (e.g. cheating, lies, lack of love & lack of passion etc), she has the personality issue, you are willing to work out with professional counseling, and I think it is worth to find out her final decision before w-day to fix it. Nobody has 100% pure iron heart. While you are hurt, she is also hurt too at this moment. Try it. You will get final closure, or improvement. I will not walk away as a victim before w-day. You have the final ticket in your hand by w-day.

Pslayne,I am a bit late in joining the thread on your problem but I went through all of your posts and everybody else's opinions on them too.

I feel:

>Both of you are extremely stubborn and egoistic.I have a pretty confirmed feeling you both still have feelings for each other yet both of you are testing each other to breaking point.You sound to be waiting for her to break enough to come running to you(since you are pretty much convinced that she's got her flaws--anger,immaturity,childishness,jealousy,insecurity) ,yet in my opinion,you don't overrule the fact that even you acted in haste and had given her reasons to irk her in the past.See,everybody has a past and comes with some amount of emotional baggage.Maybe what happened with her parents has made her so defensive and protective of herself.It could be anything but the point is,you still lover her but feel that she should be the one to come back to you.

Why?If you look at this situation very very objectively(which is next to impossible since you are the person going through this all and we are bystanders almost),the incident that lead you to walk away from her was an incident at a restaurant AFTER you mentioned going to a party where your exes would be.Theres a connection here.If you already know she was insecure about your past,the mention of the party could have triggered mad jealousy in her,right?Maybe yes,maybe not.But if you are looking for a reason,this could be one.So why are we crying that we don't have a reason or she's not giving you closure?Previously,you yourself laid down the pattern of making up with her,isn't it,maybe she's got so used to that,she's waiting for the same kind of action.

>>Most of your posts reek of a misgiving of not having tried enough,if I am not mistaken.See,NC is the last and final step taken by somebody who knows they don t have anything to look forward to in a relationship,so they should go NC to TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.NC's not about making the other person feel jealous,or miss you so that they come running after you.It appears when you started NC,that's what you started on--imagining that it would make her miss you so much she would want to come back.I'm not even sure you are convinced why you went NC when all along your heart was set on the picture of her coming back to you.If that's the case Pslayne,then give this relationship(or ex-relationship,if you want to be politically correct),a shot yourself instead of applying manipulative tactics to make her come back.Go NC only when you have given it your LAST and BEST shot,after which NC does seem like the only option.

You go all defensive when Tal and Amicon try to tell you to just dump this woman and move on.Yet you prefer sticking to Winding's opinion about your ex coming back to you.truth is,we all are here to listen and help,am sure we all have different takes on this problem.But see your own reactions to our advice.You get mad at us for suggesting you dump her because ALL ALONG,the only thing you are WAITING for,is for your ex to come back to you on her knees and beg you to take her back.Am I sounding too harsh when I am saying all this?I am just trying to take an analytical approach to all the things you yourself have said in your posts.Adding all that up,it seems to me,you are nowhere near wanting to end this relationship.Neither are you following the NC as a step forward in your life.Bottomline,I feel,you want this to work somehow yet your ego and all the hurt and humiliation you have felt because of this woman is holding you back from reaching out to her.

As someone said Pslayne,we live only once.NC is OK for people who want to live and survive AFTER they feel they want to end the hurtful relationships in their life.After a point,it really comes naturally to these people(like us),who really want to do it in order to heal and recover.Very clearly,that doesn't apply to you.Then why BS yourself?Why keep up this restraint when all you want to do is make this work?Instead,why not take matters in your own hand and decide to make a final effort.A VERY LAST EFFORT.Forget ego,hurt,pain,be prepared to have a confrontation.DONT EXPECT anything.Dont think just by doing this you will win her back.You may,you may not.You don't know how she will react,right?

But do it because YOU want to do it.Do it because YOU want closure.DO it because otherwise you'll not be able to live your life happily and your process of healing(if it comes to that)will just get delayed.

All the best.

Walking away is the easiest way to deal with the broken relationship to protect self.
Sticking with NC is hard, because it requires patience and persistency. You have done it successfully, and you proved me your love is deep, and you have determination.
The real courage is dealing with the issue without denial, and fixing it with determination.

Go Pslyne,
You have waited enough to make her think through. Go out, deal with the issue, and fight hard without holding back. Go!

Hi Starry Nights,
I appreciate your response. You, like Winding 200, are quite perceptive in your analysis. I did take the NC approach in giving both my ex and I some time to reflect on our relationship, in hopes that she would see the respect and love I have displayed. One issue I believe you are overlooking is that she broke off a wedding and an engagement. Also I do agree with you that the party I asked her to accompany me with, did cause her to overreact with jealousy and rage, but what I was thinking was we were together a full year since the first party, so lets work together through her insecurities, making our relationship stronger. Coincidentally, not one of my ex's were there, making this issue even sadder and unnecessary.


I wouldn't say that I was using NC as a manipulation but protection. Again, she broke off a wedding and when asked why, she replied because I didn't tell her not to..? She also changed her phone number and moved to a place somewhere I couldn't reach out to her, all just two weeks after our breakup..? Initially, I tried everything with no avail. What was I to do? I also feel I did the ultimate act of respect and love to her, I let her go like she asked. I gave up my life for her. Of course I still love her, but she did the unthinkable and I have to protect myself. I don't want her to come back begging but to say she made a mistake and she wants to work at getting back what we lost. This was her decision not mine, I didn't have a say in this matter. I tried to get her back, I wrote long emails professing my mistakes and how much love I had for her, I went to her work asking to talk and forgiveness, I went to her old address, pleading and crying to give it one more shot. My effort went unnoticed. Do you really think she still has feelings for me?? All of her actions from the start of our breakup until now indicates absolutely not. You are correct when you say I am nowhere near
Wanting the end of our relationship, but unfortunately have to accept its over. The wedding day is a month away and that is the last obstacle I have to hurdle to really start the healing process, admittedly its killing me. So as to the NC, it was a bifold attempt to protect myself and hopefully have her want our relationship back.


In regards to me giving it one more shot at reconciliation, I feel it is her move. She gave me the old cliche--"If you love someting let it go if it comes back its yours if not it was never meant to be" mix that with the humiliation of the restaurant scene and her breaking off a wedding, clearly it is her responsibility to make a move. I don't expect one. So if it appears Im being stubborn and egotistic, I have a right to be. What she has done and doing is selfish and mean and I don't need that.

Finally, its not that I don't respect what Tal, Amicon and the others say, its just that it was somewhat harsh but true that's all. Winding 200 supplied a more gentle and thorough interpretation of the matter, ones I fully appreciate her kindness and patience for.

Thanks to all,
pslayne2233

Sometimes we just have to close the book on what didn't work.However hurtful that may be.We need to let go of the confusion and move on with our lives.Hoping you re OK and best of luck.

Amicon you are right when you say sometimes we just have to move on.. That's what the mind says but the heart may say another . Thank you for the encourging kind words.. Best of luck to you as well

Hi Starry Nights,
I appreciate your response. You, like Winding 200, are quite perceptive in your analysis. I did take the NC approach in giving both my ex and I some time to reflect on our relationship, in hopes that she would see the respect and love I have displayed. One issue I believe you are overlooking is that she broke off a wedding and an engagement. Also I do agree with you that the party I asked her to accompany me with, did cause her to overreact with jealousy and rage, but what I was thinking was we were together a full year since the first party, so lets work together through her insecurities, making our relationship stronger. Coincidentally, not one of my ex's were there, making this issue even sadder and unnecessary.


I wouldnt say that I was using NC as a manipulation but protection. Again, she broke off a wedding and when asked why, she replied because I didnt tell her not to..??? She also changed her phone number and moved to a place somewhere I couldnt reach out to her, all just two weeks after our breakup..??? Initially, I tried everything with no avail. What was I to do?? I also feel I did the ultimate act of respect and love to her, I let her go like she asked. I gave up my life for her. Of course I still love her, but she did the unthinkable and I have to protect myself. I dont want her to come back begging but to say she made a mistake and she wants to work at getting back what we lost. This was her decision not mine, I didnt have a say in this matter. I tried to get her back, I wrote long emails professing my mistakes and how much love I had for her, I went to her work asking to talk and forgiveness, I went to her old address, pleading and crying to give it one more shot. My effort went unnoticed. Do you really think she still has feelings for me???? All of her actions from the start of our breakup til now indicates absolutely not. You are correct when you say I am nowhere near
wanting the end of our relationship, but unfortunately have to accept its over. The wedding day is a month away and that is the last obstacle I have to hurdle to really start the healing process, admittedly its killing me. So as to the NC, it was a bifold attempt to protect myself and hopefully have her want our relationship back.


In regards to me giving it one more shot at reconciliation, I feel it is her move. She gave me the old cliche--"If you love someting let it go if it comes back its yours if not it was never meant to be" mix that with the humiliation of the restaurant scene and her breaking off a wedding, clearly it is her responsibility to make a move. I dont expect one. So if it appears Im being stubborn and egotistic, I have a right to be. What she has done and doing is selfish and mean and I dont need that.

Finally, its not that I dont respect what Tal, Amicon and the others say, its just that it was somewhat harsh but true thats all. Winding 200 supplied a more gentle and thorough interpretation of the matter, ones I fully appreciate her kindness and patience for.

Thanks to all,
pslayne2233

Pslayne,seems like I either overlooked it or you didn't make too much of your efforts in trying to get her back in your posts,which may have elicited that repsonse from me of you having a misgiving of not trying too much.

This post of yours is in a way,much more surer and well-defined,as to what your mental state is.You sound heart-broken but somehow more in control of what you have to do about the entire situation,as well.If your ex has gone to the extent of resisting all your efforts in trying to get back and wants to be let free,then I think,yes,your decision of moving on and going NC applies here.Absolutely and completely.Like I keep saying,we may not accept the ground of a break-up or why somebody we love leaves us,but if they do,we just need to take them at face value,accept their reasons and do what we need to do in order to move ahead.

Its good that you feel you have done everything humanely possible to get her back.This thought will bring more peace,in times of healing,since you will know,deep down in your heart,that you have no regrets for not having tried enough.If you still want to give it one final,absolute last try(before which you tell yourself you have nothing to lose and you are simply doing this to cross-check and prepare yourself to get into the break-up and move on mindset),you still can give it a last attempt,friend,because more than anything,its your own feelings and heart at stake here.

Once we cross the stage of FINALISING the break,in our minds,comes the reaction phase--where you initially are in denial,then you grieve,give vent to all your feelings and then you are ready for the HEALING phase--the bestest phase where you discover life once again and feel the need to work on yourself enough to be able to feel love,happiness and joy once again.

Before I end Pslayne,I'll summarise - Do you want to have a final go at this and get your own closure and then start the NC and HEALING process completely OR do you want to save your already-bruised heart a final hurt and go NC and HEALING immediately?

Because once you decide,there's no looking back.Once you start NC this time,all of us here will ensure you follow the NC rules to the T and don't lapse into the state you are in now.We are good at reprimanding and getting people back on track,simply because all of us have suffered and gone through what you are going through:)

Keep us posted and all my best.

Hello hope all is well with everyone! Just an update to my situation... my relationship has been over since early June.. I attempted to reconcile to no avail.. Went into NC since then. My ex has treated me and our relationship harshly, but has been emotionally erratic in the past. Our wedding date is approaching next week. I never realized the impact that upcoming day would have on me. I broke down and sent my ex a message on Facebook telling her I missed her and still love her.. What I got in return was a block from her. No reply no question of how Im doing. Just a block from any possible future communication. I thought the pending date might have an impact on her as well. Maybe she needs to act like this to protect herself or is just a plain self centered jerk? I am finding hard to believe that 3 years with someone could act so coldly.. I am at a loss for words.

Pslayne--your situation isn't easy at all, and the fact that the date that you had fixed as your wedding date is just round the corner, isn't making things any easier.

That's the whole point and challenge of NC,the battle against one's ownself.You need to be your strongest,most determined,gritty best now.The more you give in to the momentary desire of reaching out,or making yourself believe that your weak feelings are justified since what was your wedding date is nearing,the more you are causing yourself sorrow and pain.

Spare yourself that.Strengthen your resolve and be harsh with yourself only because you want to think of your own good.You have tried,have left no stone unturned,begged,explained,texted,spoken--has anything worked?No,right?What more proof do you want that its just not going to happen?How much more hurt?

Be around friends and family at this time.Ask them to keep you engaged,take you out,ask for their help to bail you out and keep you busy these days,in order to avoid thinking about the wedding date.Work out,go to the movies(goofy,silly ones especially!),read,do anything.

Remember,there's only this much that other people can do for you.They have their own battles to fight.If you don't stand up for yourself and protect yourself,no one else will.