This text information was obtained on the husbands cell phone which I guess he is extremely possessive over. Wife was looking at the new phone and found it... apparently she was in the bathroom and he was pounding on the door demanding for his phone.

This is the text talk:

"Pusa!" - Sister (European background but it mean's nothing in that language could it me a more derogative term for a female organ?"

"Dreaming of you sexy (blush happy face)" - Husband

"When can I see you next sexy?" - Husband

"Right now would be the best..." - Sister

"Miss my touch?" - Husband

"ARE YOU OFFERING ME A SENSUAL OASIS SPA?" - Sister

"What are our past experiences? (Happy face with a wink) - Husband

NO RESPONSE

After he took the phone from the bathroom he erased it all. Then was being nice... note that the sister was always giving gifts to the sister of the husbands wife and the wife was confiding in her about their relationship dilemma's. Also note that the husband comes home Wednesday nights (his only night out I guess) anywhere from to a.m. on. I guess one night he didn't come home at all and said he was sleeping in his vehicle... he returned the phone call at 4:30 a.m. saying this... even though the wife called twice after to a.m. He also becomes very upset when having to explain himself and his Dad (whom which he is with playing darts admits that they go home at 10:30 - 11:00 p.m.) say's he doesn't know because husband says he is going home but never ends up being there when he should.

Sister that is involved in these texts has lived and had a sexual relationship with her first cousin; has many problems with her current common-law boyfriend. Husband came in for moral support and their marriage is pretty rocky with kids and finances. Sister is always about meeting a guy that will provide and care for her. She also has a really close relationship with her sister. It's really bugging me and I would hate to see this happen to anyone.

Please give your advice.

I'm confused---who is this happening to?

If I didn't know you better, Aprilwine, I'd think you were a troll pulling our legs---but I DO know you better, and I'm wondering what's up with this?

Actually this is really bugging me... I can't sleep... help!

He may well be cheating on her with her sister.

You can't fix it though. You can be a more clear-minded friend if you're rested. It can affect you if you let it, but it ain't your stuff. Go to sleep! :)

Oh it's HER sister.

I totally read that thinking it was HIS sister, and we were looking at incest here.

Look, if it were me, I'd confront them both, tell them about the texts I saw, and let them know that they're BOTH on warning---and that if either of them denied what I saw, or refused to work on regaining my trust, that I'd be MORE than happy to cut one or both of them from my life, and take the kids with me.

I'd be calm and collected about it---but I wouldn't be accepting of excuses, either. Just straight up "This is what I saw, I don't think it can be interpreted any other way, and I'm upset that the two of you would do this to me. I'd prefer if your texts/emails/calls/whatever to each other stopped, and that the two of you are not alone together"

Fur will fly, but if it's handled that way, then at least it's not the wife that looks bad.

OOOR, he has someone else's number saved in his phone under someone's sister's name so if that name appears in the calls list it doesn't look suspicious. Just an idea.

Sounds like they both are up to no good and have been doing something behind your back.

Who's sister the naughty talk was with, his sister or her sister, or was it a sister-in-law. It wasn't clear to me when I read this.

If it was HIS sister... Ewwwwwwwww.

If it was her sister, shame, shame shame... you don't poop in your own back yard. Did they actually believe they could get away with something so close to home for long?

The whole set up seems suspicious to me, I would wait and watch and not worry too much

Oh Dear! I hate to concur with the rest of the people here, but hunny, he has been with her, in some way. I am guessing they have been having an affair for some time!
You could confront them, yes, but I believe they would deny it to the very bitter end, and you will likely never know the truth.
This is a Sad situation. I hope the best for you.

Alarm bells are ringing. They are having an affair-definitely sexual.

Time to dump BOTH if they are related to you or not.

Always Keeping your phone close and denying others access to it is very suspicious, but to actually bang on a locked door to get it back, and then erasing it all. It's extremely obvious here that, affair or not, he is hiding something serious.

Try to be a little more clear. Who is the 'sister", who is the 'husband' and who is the 'wife'? Are you the 'wife' in question and is your husband the 'husband' in question? And is your sister the 'sister' in question? Frankly your question is so garbled I can't make heads or tails out of it,much less try to give you a viable response.

I only have one question before I can really think it through. You said it was a 'new phone'

Is it new as in BRAND NEW From the store? Or new to him? Was it owned by someone else? Could it have been messages from the previous owner?

He said he could see her ''Right now''
Does she know where he was Right AFTER the call?
If he is 'disappearing' and having these type calls on his phone then If it looks like a rat, smells like a rat, then I'd say it is a rat.

UPDATE FROM XOXAPRIL WINE!!!

I called my sister and just wanted to talk... I said nothing about it and remained pleasant like nothing was wrong. She gave me no indication that my husband was sending her inappropriate text messages and for him to stop. She also gave me this story about getting opinions from 3 different people; 1. The Abuser; 2. The Snob - who gets everything and appreciates nothing and 3. The Whatever Person. That I should not accept advice from anyone because everyone will come from different backgrounds and everyone will give you their different opinions. Only you can decide what is best for you and your two kids. (Like I should leave because we had a few arguments and some went physical.) But then who is the whatever person? And what is the purpose of this story? So I told her Karma will give everyone exactly what they deserve but I know I didn't deserve some of the things that are happening in my life.

Here is the text message received at 2:00 a.m. (I didn't go to bed till for a.m. and woke up at 6 a.m. because I couldn't sleep.)

"____, ERASE ALL YOUR TEXT MESSAGES RIGHT NOW" - Sister

Ok, It is me, my husband and my sister. The phone is brand new. He saved her number under abbreviation for her name... Ma - I thought it was my husband's mother so never gave it any serious thought before. To clear it up my sister has a REALLY bad wrap sheet of history when it comes to men. She would date one and cheat. Most of the times the men are older... she is provocative (not slutty in looks - act's classy on first impressions - she is talented and smart - 40 years old and I am 27). She was also involved with her first cousin sexually (they lived like a married couple) - she is known to go after married men but I honestly thought that she would never do this.

As it goes for my husbands wrap sheet - it's not good either - he has been with someone else and given me HPV (which I have been clear of for 3 years but it took 2 years of LEEP and biopsy after biopsy. I am traumatized every time I have to go in for a pap now. He has had issues with porn, we have had issues in our marriage, he lies and hides. I know he has been loyal since our marriage and things have been EXCELLENT in every sense of the word (except for of course kids, obligations, responsibilities and financial struggle). All these things can lead to this.

Now... I called her in the morning and told her I got all the texts and that I needed a clear explanation because it does not make either of them look good and that it was completely inappropriate. I want answers and I want them now. I helped you out morally and I was ready to open my door to you when you had no where to go. I confide in you about everything. What is going on?

She said that It was just a joke and she thought he was drunk. Nothing happened and nothing ever will. He sent the text and she just responded back jokingly. She said she was going to send him a text message saying to stop but never got around to it... again remember the text of ERASE ALL YOUR TEXT not STOP.

All I said is that is the end of it and I never want to see this type of crap going on because you're my sister and he is my husband and I am not sure if you realize this but you will be hurting our daughter and our son the most... but I believe you and so will not worry. I won't make a mountain out of a mole hill... good luck at your first day of work.

I talked to him and he said nothing at first... I blew up. After, later in the day he said that he did it because he wanted to screw her over and my relationship with her... that I shouldn't trust my family and that everyone is out to hurt us, our family and our home. That everyone is trying to control us and take advantage over us. That I trust her more then I trust him... and he wanted hard evidence to prove it. (We do have some really serious family problems and no one wants to see us succeed). STILL DOES NOT EXPLAIN WHY HE ERASED IT AND DIDN'T TELL ME WHAT WAS GOING ON. Nothing makes sense to me and I really don't know what to do with kids, house, cars and bills later. Is this possible. Still a pretty convincing story but why would he text her "Dreaming of you sexy (blush face))" when he doesn't text me that or call me and call me sexy? Why would he text her on the Wednesday nights that he comes home late or didn't come home one night at all? It was at 4 p.m. Why out of the blue (it wasn't a response to anything)? I told him to stop... I can check his phone again but I didn't do it to spy in the first place because I HAD NO REASON TO - I was just looking at his phone applications but after he chased me in the bathroom and was pounding on the door - I had to look to see what his reaction was all about... would you not do the same? I was cornered and I needed to know why.

I also found out after confiding in my brother that my sister, my brother and my husband went for a coffee to talk about me - but this is our marriage and our problems not everyone else? Where was I at this coffee? Instead of talking about me why can't they talk to me? Why behind my back? I am a reasonable person and will listen? So what I have a little bit of depression going on - but yesterday driving at 3 a.m. I felt like ramming my Jeep into the bridge... I cried... I felt torn... I had nowhere to turn and everyone is on holidays. Then I also found out from my brother that they have been going out for coffee. So she cries on his shoulder and he cries on hers!! Recipe for disaster... now I have accepted what he said and have said nothing else since. I am thinking about hiring a P.I. or calling the Police to arrange for a lie detector test because I am not sure I could let this go? If it was some other woman I COULD work this out but this is MY SISTER??

What are everyone's thoughts??

Everyone is covering themselves and I must admit you handle this situation way differently then I would have.
You will never get the truth and believe half of what you heard. Only the two of them knows the truth and it is something they would tell.

I wouldn't be able to trust neither one of them because of this. Your sister nor your husband--talk about sakes.

She is trying to side track you by using excuses to keep you from mistrusting them. Like she says don't trust others advice because they can't tell you so that you trust her instead of others.
She is grasping for straws in an attempt to get you to think it is your imagination.

It sounds like your husband is trying to pull the wool over your eyes as well.
Maybe tell him okay I will quit talking to my sister IF you quit too. Act like his reasoning worked and he won. Quit accusing him or letting him know you are watching him so he lets his guard down. Then if he continues with disappearing, secret phone calls and txting and hiding things you know his story and excuses are just cover ups to get you to back off.

... he did it because he wanted to screw her over and my relationship with her... that I shouldn't trust my family and that everyone is out to hurt us, our family and our home.

I have never heard a greater load of bull$hit.

If your husband is so concerned about you why would he have coffee with your sister and your brother when behind your back he's sending her sexy text messages? And what was it that they were talking about with your brother?

Something VERY strange is going on - and, it's not just your sister but your husband and your brother that are complicit in it as well.

Either that, or your depression is making you paranoid - is this possible?

In any case, your situation is SO complicated that I think you need professional help to sort it out. I'm not sure what good a lie detector test will do, but I believe they are notoriously inaccurate.

I'd suggest speaking to a clinical psychologist (if you haven't been already) to sort out this stuff and drag your husband along with you. Ask him to stop the contact with your sister and don't you contact her either. Try to sort out this together, if it's salvageable.

I agree. He is either feeding you a line of BS,

OR he honestly thinks this way and it can be dangerous for your relationship!

I just had a baby five months ago and have been doing everything all the time - I never get out and when I did for the first time in 2 1/2 years... he pulled the Wedding Album out and slept on the couch till I got home. Then the following Wednesday didn't come home at all. All I want is for everyone to leave me alone. I want my parents to stop asking me to jump the second they need something - I do have children and I can't just stop what I am doing all the time to ask "how high?" I have now this going on with my sister and my brother (divorcee) that said to my sister that he wants to take my husband out on a job outside of the province and get him laid. Then everyone is trying to move into our house... his mother, his brother, my sister and now my brother. We tried helping a few people and then next thing I know I have to change my number because people (even extended extended family is asking for our time and our money - I have no idea why people think we have it?) Ever since I can remember EVERYONE tried splitting us up and I feel like I am going insane... I feel like I am starting to get paranoid but the depression I have is minor - it is in relation to childbirth but over the last two months everything was good.

Now I know I have to talk to someone professional; we both do and we both agreed not to talk to her anymore... for the sake of our marriage and our children. I have been through a lot with him and a lifetime of dysfunction with my family. I honestly never thought this would ever happen... I have accepted what everyone has told me and I will keep it low key but I am not sure I will let it go right away and will need to sort this out appropriatly.

Thank you everyone for helping; I hope I am crazy and none of this is actually happening - it's just every time I pinch myself to wake up I am still here.

You take care of you first and tell them you are busy with the kids.
I really do believe he is cheating with your sister and they are using flimsy excuses and expecting you to buy them.
His sleeping on the couch with your wedding album was just another tactic to throw you off and guilt trip you for going out.
Becareful that he is not just being more cautious at things like erasing all her messages and being more sneaky.

I just had a baby five months ago and have been doing everything all the time - I never get out and when I did for the first time in 2 1/2 years...he pulled the Wedding Album out and slept on the couch till I got home. Then the following Wednesday didn't come home at all. All I want is for everyone to leave me alone. I want my parents to stop asking me to jump the second they need something - I do have children and I can't just stop what I am doing all the time to ask "how high?" I have now this going on with my sister and my brother (divorcee) that said to my sister that he wants to take my husband out on a job outside of the province and get him laid. Then everyone is trying to move into our house...his mother, his brother, my sister and now my brother. We tried helping a few people and then next thing I know I have to change my number because people (even extended extended family is asking for our time and our money - I have no idea why people think we have it?) Ever since I can remember EVERYONE tried splitting us up and I feel like I am going insane...I feel like I am starting to get paranoid but the depression I have is minor - it is in relation to childbirth but over the last two months everything was good.

Now I know I have to talk to someone professional; we both do and we both agreed not to talk to her anymore...for the sake of our marriage and our children. I have been through a lot with him and a lifetime of dysfunction with my family. I honestly never thought this would ever happen...I have accepted what everyone has told me and I will keep it low key but I am not sure I will let it go right away and will need to sort this out appropriatly.

Thank you everyone for helping; I hope I am crazy and none of this is actually happening - it's just every time I pinch myself to wake up I am still here.

I think that you need to divorce your family - seriously. Why would people be so involved in your life unless you allow it? Stop allowing it and put some strong boundaries up between yourself and these people. They sound like parasites that won't stop sucking your blood until you pull them off and chuck them away. Get a counselor to help you with this, it's not healthy and you'll go mad unless you create some distance.

This is what we call a "Toxic family" you need to divorce THEM- no more! Tell them to leave you alone and that it is useless for them to ask for handouts/support until such time as YOU feel you may be able to provide such comfort to such scum and leeches!

This sounds EXACTLY like my family-dump them!

my brother (divorcee) that said to my sister that he wants to take my husband out on a job outside of the province and get him laid.


Your brother is trying to get your husband to cheat on you? You seriously need to get away from these people, family or not.


Now I know I have to talk to someone professional; we both do and we both agreed not to talk to her anymore...for the sake of our marriage and our children.

It's good that your husband is actually making an effort, however I doubt he will discontinue seeing her, especially as he has members of your family helping him keep secrets and actually encouraging him to cheat on you.

I'm not even sure what to say... You are in a bad situation, and any way you turn its bad too, in some way or other.

Got to say I feel for you, this is a rought situation to be in if you can't even trust your own family.

You need to cut ties from both.. yes BOTH

My hubby does not admit to anything and I am not sure if anything actually happened, I do believe him by the way of my heart but not by the way of my mind. What choice do I have anymore? My children need a family and though my hubby and I have some disagreements - even physical - it does go both ways and I accept my responsibility and he accepts his. We mutually caused it to each other, we have come past it and moved forward but not with all this new stuff popping up - I am growing very angry.

As it goes for the cheating with my sister - my heart says no because my husband always puts me first, then the kids and then himself. I have always been his center of his world and there is deep love and commitment regardless of our past issues - everyone needs to fall and rise, everyone makes mistakes because we are all human and I forgive him; he forgives me because that is what love is about... just not to this extent - still have no proof of anything and I can not let assumptions to drive me to make irrational and impulsive to result to a devastating decision that will effect my children the most.

Everything has been good, he said I just got you back 2 months ago - why would I piss it all away? He hates my family and he hates his family and we agree on everything in the past but I don't agree with the way he is manipulating people now to prove to me how badly my family is for me. We always come to the same consensus and we both have so much in common... hard to believe what he was doing but I treat intent as bad as actually cheating and by the look of it there was opportunity - I am threatened by my sister and not by my husband... if that makes any sense? My hubby told me that my sister said that "we should go to Banff together for a day some time to relax!" - WAIT A MINUTE...shouldn't she say..."You two need time together and why don't you two go to Banff for one day and have some fun; I can watch the kids?" My husband also indicated he didn't like how when she came in the house she always commented on how lovely everything was and how lucky we where...every visit - I never took to it.

We do give too much power to everyone around us because we want to help other people and have good relationships but it's not...they hurt us either financially, emotionally, our marriage, our children, our house hold (e.i. My house is clean like a show home and everything is done (beds fixed, clothes washed, dishes, tables, leather couches, floors and dinner made) but I do nothing and everything is upside down and I can't help the swing, jumper, saucer and playpen - they need different stations and toys but I keep it orderly? They also disagree with our parenting, seemingly brainwash my 2 1/2 year old (Yesterday I went to my mom's house and left the kids for 30 minutes while we ran to the store and she thought I was gone but I wasn't - she said "This is your house not Mummy's house, you should spank mummy when she is mad at you". - Not to say I do get a little upset when she gets into something dangerous). Everyone talks about EVERYONE - it's not just about us and I DON'T TRUST ANYONE - but you can imagine how high my defenses are all the time...it actually makes me physically ill.

I feel like packing my stuff and moving out-of-Province, my husband and children too...nor am I going to tell anyone where I am. I should just sell the house and leave...maybe send a postcard from the next nearest City. Everyone calls, everyone comes over and I have bent over backwards cooking and serving them - making them at home. I know I am not perfect but I have never lied, cheated, stole, deliberately hurt anyone and I have always tried to help...I was the neutral one in the family...now since we bought our house and since the conception of my son...I have no idea what when wrong?

Should I just leave everything and start new all over again with MY family? "We" feel like paranoid crack addicts because now with all this new information and finding out people are talking about me behind my back and our backs... everyone is out to get me or get us. This statement does not sound normal to me... I feel like that statements sounds like its coming from someone crazy and I am generally a very grounded person.

The only way to tell for sure is you AND him break ties with your family. They emotionally broke your trust so you have every right to keep your distance to save your marriage.

You definitely need to stand up for yourself. It's an admirable thing to have faith in people and want to believe the best in them, but it's entirely another thing for everyone and your uncle to walk all over you and disrespect you.

Your sister has a bad history. Call bull, and tell her to stop whoring around with your husband. And don't back down just because they give you flimsy excuses. If you decide to stay with your husband then good for you, a lot of people don't even bother now days.

I don't believe that marriage should be about being selfish. Call me old fashioned. But this is the life you lead, only YOU can decide what YOU will and will NOT tolerate. If you want to forgive him, then do so, but not at the expense of your self-respect. Do so because you respect yourself, not in spite of the fact that you get bowled over by family. Too many people give up on marriage without a second thought these days. It's become the social norm. You aren't abnormal for wanting to keep your family together.

Things will only change if you stop allowing the family to walk all over you. The sooner the better. And don't let any of them tell you that you can't. Simply put, this is your life, this is what you expose yourself AND your kids to. If you don't like it, initiate some change that is acceptable.

You are no one's foot stool, and no one should be able to treat you like this and disrespect you. Give yourself some backbone and stand up for yourself.

I have read Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue" and did the exercises-I STRONGLY advise you to go to the library and borrow it or buy if you can afford it.

Now I'm not a great Dr. Phil advocate, but in this case, the book is brilliant.

You and your immediate family are being pressured by these toxic people in your lives-you two will suffer and so will your child/ren if you don't get away from the bull$hit.

Thank you to everyone for your compassionate responses, support and understanding...I have read all the responses and I will buy the Dr. Phil book...maybe both my husband and I can start reading some empowering self help books 15 minutes a night and talk about it. THANK YOU FOR READING MY THREAD AND ALL MY POSTS in your carefully articulated responses...you all have no idea how much I appreciate your time, energy and effort in helping me.

My sister and I have a very close relationship; even spiritual and even in consideration of her wrap sheet... I was willing to listen and to respond "principally centered" and not "reactive" - though the blood in my veins where boiling hot in temperature and I could envision steam rolling out of my ears while feel like dying and crying at the same time. I had to overcome my emotions and stepped out of my position to listen to them both. Still, there is a BUT and thank God I found these messages before my sisters common law husband did - otherwise something bad would have happened and it would have been worse for everyone.

For my sister to reach out today was transparent enough for me to see that perhaps she knows she was wrong in her responses - she wouldn't have had the courage to call me, explain and apologize for the misconstrued and misconceived, inappropriate messages (she is known to go in her shell for retreat when some threat arises). I explained to her if my husband would have not become possessive and angry over his phone then I wouldn't have checked. Since he cornered me into the bathroom and was pounding on the door then I accessed the texts... this is why this came to be - RED FLAGS. If he acted normal and nonchalant in the first place this would have continued and nothing would have come to surface. If he would have communicated with me and explained the situation immediately after I read the texts, there would have been WHITE FLAGS and we could work it out as a couple. Worse yet I indicated to both of them if her common law husband found out perhaps then my husband would have been in the hospital with serious injury from him and the situation that was "supposedly innocent" would have been disastrous - my husband, me, my children, her and her common law husband would have been in a wreck - people would be hurt and the WHOLE FAMILY WOULD BE INVOLVED. I also told my husband that if my sisters partner did find out - he would be in the hospital because her man has NO REASONING WHATSOEVER and you shouldn't play with fire no matter what point you need to make to me. This was not the way to go about it and next time he is plotting to expose someone in my family for their true intentions to let me know what he is doing (Though I still wouldn't have approved this at all I would know his intentions in doing so and there would be no surprise). Maybe it was meant to be that I found out before my sisters partner did?

This sister is the one person in my life that has been like a mother to me. I don't know what to believe... so I will leave it be for now and accept what they are saying, however, I will be on my toes and I will hire a P.I. if either of their "behavior" changes in some fashion that it brings alarm. I will give no indication of my action by showing no external characteristic's or behaviors in doing so - eventually if something is happening then they will slip again. I just hate putting conditions on "things", "situations" or "people" when I say I have accepted because there should never be conditions on acceptations, if that makes any sense? If I choose now, later I can not say; I choose otherwise - I have to pick my poison and once I make my decision, later, I can not choose because that choice was already made and will lead me to a different juncture in my life. I am and we are who and what we are because of our decisions carefully or neglectfully made in the past and I don't want to be on the railroad tracks later without direction, purpose... or happiness.

I just wanted to know the truth so I can base my decision on facts and not emotion. I can be from one extreme to another and it took a great deal of self control to listen. My sister and I talked today for over an hour... she apologized if it was perceived for more then what it actually was. She is angry with herself for putting herself in a negligible position - by responding jokingly to his texts that he initiated. He already explained his reasons and I don't approve of his reasoning or actions, I do accept what he is saying, however, he has a lot of trust issues with me now - he knows he has to earn it back. I do think somehow that there was intention and there was opportunity... this is the bothersome point - why would he send it? And why would she respond? Joking or No Joking - my brother-in-law slaps my bum and says all sorts of inappropriate things to me and to my husband - this is my other sisters husband, you know what I did? I slap him and tell him off - THEN I TELL MY SISTER WHAT HE DID... I do not want to improvise my position with my sister nor am I allowing someone to insult my principals and standards of self respect and overstep my limitations. Crazy how I am put in this situation and you see my actions to my sisters? (I have two sisters and one older brother) Approach, perception, reaction and consequence/result.

So I have let go of the situation and have not brought it up with my husband since our discussion as of the last post I made prior to this one. I am gong to lay low and stay aware... I am not going to discuss or bring this up with them again... move on and watch for any progression in the matter. I have maintained my relationship with the BOTH of them and am staying on the higher path. I just don't know if compromising my trust is going to be a lack of respect for myself as Chey said? Synnan - I did take your advice and here I am now - thank you for your approach method - clearly acceptance is my issue now and I will have to accept and future repercussions as a direct result of the here and now. Gemini54 you explain my family just as I feel them... thank you for your empathy (the greenie cut me off before I could finish). Xrayman thank you for the book reference and I hope you are not going through what I am or anything of the sorts. Nohelp4u - I am taking that advice of limiting my family and possibly relocating in 2010 - FAR FAR AWAY. Start fresh and live by some large body of water would be great. Rich - I really pray you are wrong about the discontinuance of them still seeing each other - I pray they stop even though I know I don't want to hear that - I hope I can trust and accept what my husband says and keep relationships friendly until I up and leave. Thank you to Smoothy and simmonaugie and everyone for your input as well. I will be on patrol - I HATE the thought that I have to watch my back now, like I am some sort of paranoid and oversuspicious cat - can't trust anyone. Actually I trust people on this site with this - I have not talked to anyone but all of you - not one friend because I don't want anyone to pass judgment on my husband; then on me... when I really don't know if anything even did happen... all I have is the texts and what they say. My heart believes that nothing actually happened but I do believe that intent and opportunity may actually be there.

Maybe I am not making the right decision; maybe I am? I hope the Lord is watching over me and leading me to the light. I can't wait for May of 2010 so I can enter the 9 personal year cycle (numerology) because that is the year everything comes to a close and all projects become complete and finally... all those who are not good for me are detached - if I don't do it, supposedly the Universe will... change and completion. It kind of sucks that at the end of the day all you have is YOU; body, mind and soul - sometimes it is just spirituality that can save you from completely going crazy. I pray every night for everyone and for a bright future to all, especially those worse off; third world countries (without the basic needs in life) and victims of abuse/crime - I give thanks and say "it is what it is", what is my choice? what do I choose? And how do I recreate my personal mission statement and family mission statement to create my dreams and our dreams into reality or to create harmony and balance in my life and our lives? I have to do a lot of personal delving and find forgiveness for myself and my family - regardless if they are deserving or not right? In the end I am liberating myself and releasing the balls and chains I allowed to be weighing and holding me down in the first place - I can walk away knowing that I chose to be a better person and am walking a higher path - that nothing tainted me but made me stronger. Walking away and being busy does not make me a coward because I am honestly tired of dispensing energy on my family and everyone (not including of my children of course) around me.

"Our tendency is to project out of our own autobiographies what we think other people want or need. We project our intentions on the behavior of others. If they don't interpret our effort as a deposit, our tendency is to take it as a rejection of our well-intentioned effort and to give up." - The 7 Habits - Adam Jones.

"I just don't know if compromising my trust is going to be a lack of respect for myself as Chey said?"


Do you feel as though you are compromising your trust, or allowing them both another chance? There's a big difference darlin. I think you did great standing up for yourself and telling them both that you knew. That takes a lot of strength. The only person who can really judge if you are disrespecting yourself is you, though at times it might feel different. If you feel like you are doing the right thing and this is what is best for your family, then I'd call that respecting yourself in a lot of ways.

I'm GLAD to hear that you aren't turning a blind eye or ear to this situation though. It shows smarts. Good luck in your future, I sincerely hope it works out for the best for you.

Here is a link to a site that will help you find a woman's shelter where you can temporarily go with the baby until you are on your feet.

I agree you REALLY need to get away from these people.


Housing.com | Homeless Shelters & Emergency Housing (http://www.housing.com/categories/homes/homeless-shelters-emergency-housing.html)

Text Update:

Thank you Jennie I don't feel the kid's and I will have to resort to a shelter (unless something life threatening occurs). It's just about not answering the phone, not opening the door and keeping things cool, calm, collective, functioning, nurturing and mostly keeping the line of communication open with my husband. My goal is to keep us together and everyone else apart from us after everything that went down. After the discussion with my sister and I got a text:

"HI, AS OF TODAY I NEED MY SPACE. THANKS! FOR NOW, THERE WILL BE NO MORE COMMUNICATIONS WITH ANYONE. SORRY!" - Sister

"I guess you where right about perception and what we should believe. Maybe if nothing is gained then nothing is lost. I am sorry we feel this way or why you had to text this when you could have said this earlier today at noon when we talked. I am the one who felt betrayed and no one is being honest or using an honest approach. Everything has it's purpose. We need to live our lives as we deem just and for our own unique purposes. So the message you sent me has been fully received and after this message, there will be no more communications from us. Best wishes sis." - Me

Now that I am thinking about our discussion of earlier today she said to me "If he was my type and your type - you would have known by now" and she also said "It is up to you if you want to maintain the relationship" and "___ (my husband) is into younger girls like you; I am old...why would he show interest in me" and "he always tells me I am so closed off - I thought this was his way of getting me out of my skin" and "I can see with his reaction and the texts you seen why you would take it the wrong way. You dealt with it well...maybe I wouldn't have done the same" and "we should get together for coffee" and "we should have you guys over for BBQ"... then after all that - she sends me the text. I asked my husband if he was happy; he said he was overjoyed... I asked him why did you have to do this? And he said that he was sick of people taking advantage over me when I give them trust. He said everyone is out to destroy our happiness... but he started it... why did all this happen? Why did she end it? Was she feeling guilt? Or am I reading too much into everything? Am I being too analytical?

I wanted to leave it on a good note. I am not the one who text messaged her husband and played along... she is. Should I feel responsible? Am I to blame? I guess this issue has resolved itself for now... should I still be concerned?

This is the last post I am adding to my thread - it seems as though the situation took care of itself in the end. Dispute to resolution and now dissolution - would this be a desirable outcome to you if you where me?

P.S. Chey I won't turn a blind eye even after this... or until I feel like I can fully trust again.

Good I'm glad you guys aren't in any danger. I just wanted to cover all bases just in case, some people log on here and don't tell everything that's going on. So I like to play it safe :)

Good luck hon. I hope you get this whole mess straightend out.

I am not the one who text messaged her husband and played along...she is. Should I feel responsible? Am I to blame? I guess this issue has resolved itself for now...should I still be concerned?

.

She wasn't worried about blame when she was doing what she was doing
You were only doing what needed to be done.
You were the victim here remember that,

good im glad you guys arent in any danger. i just wanted to cover all bases just in case, some people log on here and dont tell everything thats going on. so i like to play it safe :)

good luck hon. i hope you get this whole mess straightend out.

Your right, not everything is always brought to light... all I can do is move forward with life.

After my last post of July 24, 2009 I received additional text messages from my sister again... even after my good-bye text. Out of nowhere today she sent me this:

"Leave Me Alone PERMANENTLY!!!" and "All The Best To You And Your Family! Good-bye!"- Sister

"Why are you still texting me if you don't want any further communications? Please stop harassing me or I will have to change my number." - Me

What do you make of this? Maybe I responded immaturely but after the last texts exchanged what more is there to say?

She is trying to turn her guilt on you and make you out to be the bad guy. Be the bigger person by not entertaining her texts while she is having her temper tantrums. If you have to change your number then by all means do so.

You don't need anymore drama from her and right now she is trying to push you out of your element. She did wrong not you but sometimes your family can be your worst enemy.

She is trying to turn her guilt on you and make you out to be the bad guy. Be the bigger person by not entertaining her texts while she is having her temper tantrums. If you have to change your number then by all means do so.

You don't need anymore drama from her and right now she is trying to push you out of your element. She did wrong not you but sometimes your family can be your worst enemy.

Should I return her needle point picture and painting portrait - I was holding on to it until she settled down into her own place but then said for me to keep them. I am not comfortable keeping them and I do not want constant reminders... should I wrap it up and send it to her?

Girl please confront today without fail. Please Please. Even if you are wrong its okay.. it will kind of make you feel a bit at ease. If you don't, you may never know how far it will go, what if she gets pregnant and doesn't want an abortion? The whole family will go trumbling down... including your children and that child. Prevention is better... please do something before its too late. Wat if its not true... then you have nothing to lose. But what if its true.. girl work up.. this is most likely true anyway

Dear XoxaApril,

I have been away from AMHD for a while and I was shocked and sad when I stumbled on your account of your husband beating you and trashing your house on April 26th. I read through to how you got out of the house and I was so relieved.

Now I see all this about him explicitly driving a wedge between you and your sister. This is classic abuser behavior. He is trying to isolate you from your family. He will then go to work on your friends, if he hasn't already. My ex also hated his family and hated mine, slept with my closest friend and then said it was to "help her separate from her husband." Just like yours says what he did was to "help" you separate from your sister and the rest of your family.

He will never stop abusing you. And when your children are old enough to understand his manipulations, he will begin emotionally abusing them. My ex tried to abuse my kids verbally when they were 1 and 2 but they had no idea what he was talking about. I still remember the first time he said something cruel to my 3 year old and the boy finally felt the sting of it--the look in his eyes.

There is no way you can have a happy and peaceful life WITH this man. You can stay, but there will always be turmoil like you are feeling now. I waited for 15 years for mine to "get better." Every year was a bad time for him "because..." He never did get any better, although he stopped hitting me. I left when my kids were 12 and 7 and REALLY wish I'd left a lot sooner. That's all I can tell you. My heart goes out to you because I see how confused and distraught you are.

I too spent a lot of time keeping my house nice. I think it was my way of maintaining some kind of order in my life--and also because my ex demanded it. He also kept telling me that other people were envious of me--which I always thought was weird. And yours says similar things. Constant mind games. They never stop. (In fact, my ex still plays weird games with me, but it's WAY easier to deal with him now. He has another victim- a steady girlfriend he's driven to alcoholism.)

I hope you go back and read the thread from April and think hard about whether being with him can provide a happy life for you and your kids. You deserve so much better. I thought I would be devastated and depressed when he finally moved out. But instead I felt euphoria for 2 months straight. I have never been so happy for so long in my life. When ever I'm down, I think about the fact that I'm not with my ex and it cheers me right up!

Rooting for you,
Asking

Ho. Ly. Cow.
April, I just finished reading your thread from April 09... the one where your drunken husband had just beaten you within an inch of your life, and you were leaving him until he could provide evidence that he'd quit drinking and gone to anger management classes.

From this thread, I gather he's still drinking (your sister said she assumed he was drunk when he texted her) and now he's having an affair. Yes, he really is. He continues to disrespect you and you continue to stick around for it.

I suggest marriage counseling. If he won't go, go yourself. If he's still drinking, insist that he go to A.A. Insist upon anger management classes. If he does not comply, don't return to him. I think counseling would be helpful for you in particular, because I don't think you really understand what sort of insanity you're living in right now. It might give you some perspective.

You are the only one who can put an end to this.

I hope you grab the kids and get to a women's shelter. Take care...

Asking, thank you for the time you have taken to respond to this thread and to the last thread. Thank you for sharing your story... I guess I am like what you where like; hoping for things to change. I am happy for you that you found your path in life... I think I starting to think of mine but I just need time to work it all out.

I think in my situation we have too many people placing stakes in our marriage and it has caused much tension in our lives (the last 4 years) starting with sexual neglect, then to mutual verbal abuse which resulted in some physical attacks (3 major attacks in 6 years). Not to add all the life changes (positive but stressful - adjustment). Now I am dealing with this situation with my sister... he was testing boundaries to see if she would cross the line (after his discussions with my sister and brother - they placed a lot of personal attacks and slandered me - he was trying to defend and protect me) and she was probing for more information to see what the intention was. Or, so I have gathered... my sister lashed out at me and I sent her a letter stating my opinion. We have resumed a relationship but I have changed and it will not be the same because I am not the same. I have this calendar that I picked up in January and it's called The 7Habits of Highly Effective People... seems that it was meant to be... everyday this calendar applies itself to my life and yesterday when I was thinking about my actions and possible contributions to the situation - it read this.

"Integrity in an interdependent reality is simply this: you treat everyone by the same set of principles. As you do, people will come to trust you. They may not at first appreciate the honest confrontational experiences such integrity might generate. Confrontation takes considerable courage and many people would prefer to take the course of least resistance, belittling and criticizing, betraying confidences, or participating in gossip about others behind their backs. But in the long run, people will trust and respect you if you are honest and open and kind with them. You care enough to confront. And to be trusted, it is said, is greater then to be loved. In the long run. I am convinced, to be trusted will be also to be loved." pp.196-97

I am the big bad wolf in everyone's eyes and I know why. If something happens - it is ALWAYS MY FAULT and I am always held responsible. I have principals, standards, goals, and we have the ability to really prosper/grow in every arena since we do make up for what each other lacks. It's about looking at each other with open eyes and seeing the truth inside us both, accepting, letting eachothers strengths shine and grow while assisting in the weaknessess. I project from myself what I think people want and need, little good intentioned deposits that become rejected. Hurt. I am open, I am honest, I am truthful, I am loyal, when I do something or talk to someone I enter wholeheartedly - so when a project/situation/relationship failes I am left extremely disapointed and that is not because I have expectations. I hold no expectations of anyone other then the expectations I have for myself and my responsibility to each thing. I am misunderstood, I am always misunderstood as people only hear part of what I say... they can't handle my honest approach, they can't handle conflict or how I see it "conflict resolution" and "communication" to find solution/balance. I find that when I associate with people of my own characteristics then there are never misunderstandings and the truth always prevails - not opinions - the dreamer or idealist. I always have to explain myself to everyone else to simplify everything to its core. I am a deep emotional person, I think and feel so deep... only one person in this world could understand me but they moved far away with family (16 year relationship).

He said that he just wants to be happy with me and the kids and wants people to leave us alone, financially, physically, emotionally, parental wise and maritally. We have been together through the best of times and the worst of times and a lot of people tried getting in between us for 11 years but the last 4 it has been trying for both of us. I do love him and I do forgive him. I am trying to establish schedules to everyone in my life - setting limitations - even my husband and I need space from everyone too... mommy down time.

All of this chaos initiated and is mentally and emotionally take its toll on me in every aspect - things like cleaning, doing the dishes, cooking and regular duties just take so much energy now... I feel like I could sleep all day and it's a good thing I don't have to worry about work until February. It's like I have been traumatized by everything and my world came at a halt... turned upside down and now outside in. I feel like I deserve everything that is happening to me - that it all serves a purpose in the end. I know it is horrible for me to stay when everyone clearly tells me to leave... but I can't and I don't want to... I just have this concept of what I would like my life to be like, my family, children, home. I don't know what to do anymore? Thank you for bringing some light into my thoughts... I will think about what you and Ren6 said.

He said that he just wants to be happy with me and the kids and wants people to leave us alone, financially, physically, emotionally, parental wise and maritally. We have been together through the best of times and the worst of times and a lot of people tried getting in between us for 11 years but the last 4 it has been trying for both of us. I do love him and I do forgive him. I am trying to establish schedules to everyone in my life - setting limitations - even my husband and I need space from everyone too...mommy down time.



April... if your husband wants to be happy with you and the kids, why on earth is he texting sexual messages to your sister? I'm not trying to excuse her behavior, but your hubs is just as responsible, you know? Don't let family members from either side move in. But be aware that your husband has serious addiction issues that won't go away on their own. I wish you only the best, and hope that things work out for you.

Yeah I don't buy it either. Don't make your decisions based on what you think he wants April, do them because it's right for you and your kids.

All of this chaos initiated and is mentally and emotionally take its toll on me in every aspect - things like cleaning, doing the dishes, cooking and regular duties just take so much energy now...I feel like I could sleep all day and it's a good thing I don't have to worry about work until February. It's like I have been traumatized by everything and my world came at a halt...turned upside down and now outside in. I feel like I deserve everything that is happening to me - that it all serves a purpose in the end. I know it is horrible for me to stay when everyone clearly tells me to leave...but I can't and I don't want to...I just have this concept of what I would like my life to be like, my family, children, home. I don't know what to do anymore? Thank you for bringing some light into my thoughts...I will think about what you and Ren6 said.

April,
I know it's exhausting and I know everyone has to find their own path. It took until my kids were older for me to be ready to make the decision I made. It basically took me five years from when I first seriously considered leaving until I left. It took that long for me to make up my mind and gather my mental resources. It would have been harder when my kids were toddlers.

I just want you to know that from the outside, this looks like a really dangerous situation for you. If you stay with him, please don't move far away from family and friends (no matter how imperfect they are) because I personally think he's more likely to become violent again if it's just the two of you. You need a safety net of people around you. If your family are disappointing you, make some new friends. There are lots of people who can deal with someone who is direct, like you (and like me :)) The main thing is to not be isolated and to have people who you see regularly and who care about you. Everything else gets better once you have that.

Also, if you have a five month old baby... well, that means you were pregnant when your husband beat you so badly back in April. It's lucky you didn't lose the baby. The guy has a serious problem.

Also, if you have a five month old baby...well, that means you were pregnant when your husband beat you so badly back in April. It's lucky you didn't lose the baby. The guy has a serious problem.

I didn't actually count, but no, shouldn't the baby have been born in March?
Either way, pregnant or immediately post partum, it's bad. All the books say that men who hit pregnant partners are more violent than average. Even my ex was nicer to me when I was carrying his kids.

There's some biological basis for this. In men, prolactin hormone levels go up (along with estrogen and cortisol) when their partner is pregnant. Prolactin causes nurturing behavior in both men and women. So if a guy is abusive even then, there may be some physical problem, I mean besides just feeling entitled to control his wife (the usual problem). Sorry. I can be such as science nerd.

I didn't actually count, but no, shouldn't the baby have been born in March?
Either way, pregnant or immediately post partum, it's bad. All the books say that men who hit pregnant partners are more violent than average. Even my ex was nicer to me when I was carrying his kids.

There's some biological basis for this. In men, prolactin hormone levels go up (along with estrogen and cortisol) when their partner is pregnant. Prolactin causes nurturing behavior in both men and women. So if a guy is abusive even then, there may be some physical problem, I mean besides just feeling entitled to control his wife (the usual problem). Sorry. I can be such as science nerd.

Math was never my strong suit, LOL! You're right, either way, it's bad.

Update: Everything has settled down and I read too much into it; it sure sounds bad but looking at all the texts over the last 3 months I pulled off his phone after this - he jokes like that with "everyone".