Hi all,
First timer here, just found this great site while browsing in a confused daze.

Been with GF for 3 years, we really clicked together, but I am older (5 years) and have been in a relationship before. She has not.
We have both moved to a new city, new life at the beginning of the year.
She is studying, I am working.
Yesterday, we went out shopping/movies etc and I am getting really strange vibes (the last few days)
I know she has been going out the last 3 nights with some new overseas students she met earlier in the week. So I asked what was wrong and she becomes all teary, she says she got drunk and stayed up all night with this guy and kissed him.
She says she now wants space, leaves all of a sudden and goes back to her place.
The last 24hours have been a turmoil of emotions, but I have respected her space (she said she will call tonight) and not succumbed yet to the madness of pain and attempted contact.
She has only ever been loving and lovely and I really really am in love with her. The world lights up when she around.
But I feel she wants new experiences... but I cannot bear to think of her with someone else.
What to do?
Not answer when she calls tonight? Just give her complete isolation for her to experience (as she sortof wishes) despite wanting to ask her to come home?

She has ALREADY been with someone else

Why doesn't that effect you?

Why aren't you mad?

If you loved her you would have a bit more respect for the boundries of your relationship,and the effects of crossing them.

You are downplaying CHEATING.

If you want to hear from her it shouldn't be because you want to hear 'baby I love only you'

But because you want to hear what happened,and the entire truth.

Though if she says she wants a 'break' it means she's been seeing this guy,for awhile,kept you as backup,and is now ready to move on (yeah this happens so much it's predictible)

I am mad, and do want the truth.
She said it was just a kiss, but I had to ask her about it, she didn't put forward the truth herself.
This is what I am most angry about, that she tried to hide it.

If it was 'just a kiss' she would not want a break. (implying some kind of emotions)

I went through the same thing,but my ex wasn't as upfront with the truth,I had to find out from the other person.

Which is always... the best way for the truth... but the most messy.

If you know how to contact this guy,don't be aggressive or rude,but ask him what happened,if you're not defensive he might tell you,he has nothing to lose,unlike her.

She cheated. She wants a break... could be something you should be worried about. If she's crying and all why she told you if might have been a cover up and she might not have wanted to hurt you but it probably has been going on for awhile. Good Luck!

I do not think it has been going on long, only a few days at most, she just met these people.
She has always hated "cheaters" and as I love her I will give her the benefit of the doubt, a kiss is just a kiss.
But the dishonesty/jealousy is swirling around inside me like maddened bees that I want to let out.
Not sure if I should vent it onto her (she said "she wanted to see me angry, why am you never angry?", in her tearfilled fleeing)

Or block her completely till she sorts herself out.

You take her call and listen to what she has to say. If it gets to emotional or bad news, you end it rather than beg, cry, or whine.

If you can CALMLY ask questions, AFTER she speaks her peace, then do so.

I find it much better to think before you speak, especially if its from emotion.

But I feel she wants new experiences... but I cannot bear to think of her with someone else.

You could be right about this.

But the dishonesty/jealousy is swirling around inside me like maddened bees that I want to let out.

Calm down until she gives you facts.

Not sure if I should vent it onto her (she said "she wanted to see me angry, why am you never angry?", in her tearfilled fleeing)

Of course you don't vent, until you hear what she has to say, HMM, if your living together, where did she leave to??

or block her completely till she sorts herself out.
Wait for all the facts to come to light, then make a decision, after you have thought about it.

Thanks all for your replies. It is amazing how comforting just discussing a problem with people is, really brings me back down to earth.

I will calmly take her call then.
Ask my piece thereafter.

As to where she has gone to, she has a college room, though she has been living with me about 50% of the time.

Maybe it was just that one wild night then. If she doesn't like a cheater why make herself into someone she doesn't like. I would let her tell you all that happened and listen to her explanation before asking questions.

She probably feels like she has betrayed your trust and now is scared that you will not want to be with her. A drunken kiss means nothing when sober, just a mistake you wish never happened.

Maybe it was just that one wild night then. If she doesn't like a cheater why make herself into someone she doesn't like. I would let her tell you all that happened and listen to her explanation before asking questions.

She probably feels like she has betrayed your trust and now is scared that you will not want to be with her. A drunken kiss means nothing when sober, just a mistake you wish never happened.

Did you skim over the part where she said she wanted a break/space? doesn't seem like she wanted to fix whatever 'mistake' she made.

Maybe she used this as a cover up,who knows, a reason to break up.

I said that too in an earlier post 57373. I'm not sure if she knows what she wants. Be patient is all I know to do, and when being patient for too long is becoming too much... it might be best to just move on altogether.

I would wait until you hear from her - don't initiate the contact. Yep! It will be hard and your mind will be full of crazy thoughts.

I also think that it's really hard to second guess what has happened, or to call her a cheater until you hear from her, and get an understanding regarding what it's all about.

Listen to what she has to say, ask questions and don't overreact. Easier said than done, I know. Remember, she's the one that has to do the explaining, so let her talk and don't fill in the gaps.

Wow, well you guys were right. She called and basically said she wants to break up. The kiss was nothing, but the fact it happened shook her up and got her thinking. She says she loves me and all that jazz, but she needs time to be herself.
ZING! Boy, did I get classic clichéd.
She is having a few days apart to see if that is how she feels, but I have that impending doom feeling which means general sadness is forcasted to flow in my way.
I'll give her NoContact till she calls me up...

Must say I was blindsided though, happy one day, the next.
Guess I have to work on picking up the hidden signs.

Wow, well you guys were right. She called and basically said she wants to break up. The kiss was nothing, but the fact it happened shook her up and got her thinking. She says she loves me and all that jazz, but she needs time to be herself.
ZING! Boy, did I get classic cliched.
She is having a few days apart to see if that is how she feels, but I have that impending doom feeling which means general sadness is forcasted to flow in my way.
I'll give her NoContact till she calls me up...

Must say I was blindsided though, happy one day, the next.
Guess I have to work on picking up the hidden signs.

Sorry to hear that, but it must have been on the way out if (as she says) a simple kiss got her thinking!

Sounds like you've got some thinking to do...

Dear friend;
Well, I believe that every girl has someone in her mind, and this one has different characters, different behaviors or different style of life. But that doesn't mean she is looking forward that one, she meets many people among them she feels that is the one ignoring everything that was in her mind about her "Knight".

What I am trying to say is that she found someone who might be closer to her dreams that you are, but that will be just an experience. I am sure that you have a better chances to win her heart again, cause it is already yours. Remember that she mentioned what happened was because she was drunk meaning she still cares about her.

Anyway, try to show her that you DO care, and never let her away 'cause you really love her. Just keep me updated with your new info. And we will solve it!!

Bluefish you are doing the right thing no contact right now. She wants her space and your honoring it. Wow, that's a blow, but nothing surprises me today. There is nothing you can do right now, she has to work through this by herself. She might of made the biggest mistake or she just doesn't want to be in a relationship. Time will tell and good luck.

"i hope you have an ok day at work today. i'm sorry for the ways things are turning out. just channel all your anger towards me into work! see if you can get to 200! (ok, maybe that's a bit excessive)


ugh, amy and helen were in my room girltalking til quite late last night and today i've finally joined you again in the realm of nine o'clock starts. not a good feeling.


will talk to you soon i guess."

So this is in my inbox this morning. Sort of unexpected, seeing as last night she wanted her space and I have been preparing myself for a few days of NC.
Though the tone is so very neutral, minus the usual lovisms etc.
Must... resist... urge... to... reply...

"i hope you have an ok day at work today. i'm sorry for the ways things are turning out. just channel all your anger towards me into work! see if you can get to 200! (ok, maybe that's a bit excessive)


ugh, amy and helen were in my room girltalking til quite late last night and today i've finally joined you again in the realm of nine o'clock starts. not a good feeling.


will talk to you soon i guess."

So this is in my inbox this morning. Sort of unexpected, seeing as last night she wanted her space and I have been preparing myself for a few days of NC.
Though the tone is so very neutral, minus the usual lovisms etc.
Must......resist.......urge.......to....reply..... ......

Yes, do resist. Let her sit in what she has to feel without placating her feelings or adding your own. Sometimes silence is the best and only response.

Sounds a lot like what I'm going through once again.

She wanted space yesterday, said she can't do this anymore, so I left it at that and started NC, but got mails and txt messages and a few calls(which I didn't answer)...

I guess the best thing to do right now is to ignore those "neutral" messages she sends, as she is probably hoping to get a response. Be strong and resist. Wait for something real, heartfelt and meaningful, but till then, keep the NC.

Good luck to us both... fingers crosses

Sorry to hear it BlackVY, I hope she contacts you with a kiss.

I have been strong the last few days, filling my life with productivity and keeping away from contacting her. I have actually been making a "Breakup Showbag" just for fun, with a few belated thoughts and gifts. I know that is weak in a way, but damnit, if I am going down in flames, I am going down in flames the way I want... which is the way I loved.
Tomorrow is doomsday, in where she will call me to deliver the final verdict.

Today I woke up really early and was quite a mess... but this website is pulling me back together (at the expense of work :( )
I fear the worst, so I am trying to suck it up, and when I see her tomorrow I will take it on the chin, grab her, kiss her passionately and walk away forever.

Don't do it dude. Don't see her. She already told you what she wants. She thinks she has you pegged & is trying to make the enevitable easier for her, cowardly & see how much pain you're in.. She's already made her mind up. Don't ever speak to her or see her again. As much as you want some answers & want to see her face or whatever at this point, you won't get it & this will set you way back & confuse you even more, just like that silly email. Im going through this too, got one of those emails a few weeks ago & didn't respond. Im almost 2mo. NC, now. Its super hard, but there's no other way. Show her who's in control now. My ex dumped me over the phone after 5yrs... Its time to be strong.

But why is never speaking to her again, showing that you are in control?
I still have a lot of love for her, as it is all so recent, so I am bundling that up. Passing it over with a twinkle in my eye and hightailing it out of there before she sees the cracks in my heart and tears in my eye.
Better to end well than not at all, I think.

Here's why:

"She says she got drunk and stayed up all night with this guy and kissed him"

"She called and basically said she wants to break up"


Bluefish, if you are already over her & feel good about ending it on a peaceful note after this treatment. Then go for it. As long as you no longer have feelings for her and can truly walk away.

Otherwise cancel that "Doomsday" date...

I have no doubt that bluefish is NOT over her yet after only 2-3 days.

If you feel the need to see her one last time to get some sort of closure I can't see a problem with it , UNLESS your actually just doing it to try and get her to want you back. That's not going to happen at this early stage as she's already thought of leaving for a while now and her mind is made up.

Be cordial and nice without any begging etc. and she'll see you as a much stronger person and then down the track she may just miss you. And you get to keep your dignity!!

Yup. 2 days are early.

I think this is a bad idea, but have the date if if wish, then go NC. There may be no closure though. Be prepared for that and way after your date...

I disagree, you shouldn't worry about "her missing you" after.

Those thoughts are out of your control.


Good luck.

Well, now I am scared.
But these last few days of NC were for her to decide if that is actually what she wanted.
And we have yet to break up properly in person... she only cried over the phone and said that she thinks she wants to break up.
But I do feel the finality surrounding it all... but the fact that it just sort of popped out of thin air (to my stupid mind anyway)means I would like a little closure (hopefully positive closure!)
So I am preparing for the worst, hoping just a little for the best, and trying to deal with the loss now.

NC is for you.

But you shouldn't wonder if that's what she wanted. She already exhibited that. Don't let her hurt you anymore.

Man, I was so there. But never met up, talked, or got closure. Even after communication attempts from my ex. I mustered up what little strength I had.

I listened to the incredible advice here and went NC immediately. One of the hardest things Ive ever had to do. Still hard.

Im still hurting and haven't finally let go after 2 mo.
One thing I can say to you now is that this is real. Over.

Accepting it is a totally different experience.

That takes time. Your best friend now.

Let me know what happens when you meet up.

(or decline & go NC... )

OK Guys, sorry for my absence, but here is how the story ended.

She called me on that fateful day to say if I would prefer to wait till next Saturday to break up.

I was like, no way! Lets get it over and done with now, it is way too painful an emotional backpack to lug around to wait for a convenient day to arise.

So I went around to her place, said my confused and saddened piece, listened to hers:

Which was she is too young to be in such a committed relationship.

Which is pretty true, I did steal her heart early on, 'cause I knew if I didn't get in early she would be swept off her feet by another.

I wrote her a letter:

(will post in the next message box)

And made a farewell gift as a memory, constructed out of our best memories. (We were forbidden to see each other by her Mother, when courting... One lucky week our inner country town flooded and trapped her on my side of the river and her mum on the other.. which equated to 3 days of unhindered joy and candlelight, no power or anything. Pure bliss)

So I engraved the flood and little things that were "us" onto a glass.

Throughout the "official" breakup she was a mess, crying and touching and unsure. She was also guarded and wouldn't let me cuddle or kiss her...

So after our socially dictated dance, I left with my feelings soaring into the darkened sky of sadness.

Luckily my friends were having a musical party so went around and sang with them for the rest of the night. (why are all songs about love/broken hearts ><)

This last week have been very hard, but I have been more productive than ever, attempting to keep my mind as busy as I can.

I am like a shark... if I stop, I will drown.

She has been getting drunk each night and I usually get a 3am phone call which I am not overly happy about... It is like I cannot see her, but when she is sad in the depth of the night she is allowed to call. But as I am not consciously aware I usually answer and chat in a dreamlike state.

I miss her terribly, as she is my best friend as well. Just basic company/conversation as well as comfort/lust when sleeping. But I have been strong and kept up NC this last week.

Well, I broke the NC last night, as I went out and got drunk and played scrabble with some mates. As luck would have it she called to tell me she got a job, just as I was out and I could hear her curiosity seeping down the phone.

I was feeling cheeky, so I said I cannot talk as I have a scrabble date ( we would often do this) so she asked if I could call her when I got home.

It was pretty late and I was pretty drunk, so I did and basically we had a really nice conversation for a few hours. (with a bit of drunk insinuation on my behalf ><)

So that is that.

Confusion with love and loss, surprise surprise!

Though she did say we should meet up for breakup sex, as we just sortof stopped being together and we haven't farewelled in a physical sense (which is meant to be pretty good)

So that's in the open as something to look forward to or dread.

:) thanks for listening, cool dudes.

Well, here is my breakup letter.
Sorry if it is a bit personal or bleh, but blah. It is up there now. It actually did help to calm me down when in the madness of the heart.

"When you said that you wanted to break up, it hit me like a thunderstorm . I had absolutely no idea that you were so
unhappy you would prefer being away from me, rather than with. Or, more probably, I was just too blind. I am so deeply
sorry, down into the previously unaccessed caverns of my soul for such grevious oversight.
The feeling of that realisation was like watching everything you held to be real disintergrate around you, like being
told that you were adopted or actually some gaseous alien entity from another planet (Douchonia).
And seeing myself in such an empty landscape (Not Douchonias' landscape ((though I imagine it would be pretty
barren)), the metophorical one representing the understanding) was sobering indeed. What was still standing and what
wasn't. And what you would do to get certain bits back.
I can never change your mind or heart, Siobhan. Nor would I ever want to. I will always wish you to be true to
yourself, as that is one of your most amazingly (of many) intoxicating abilities.
I just hope to all hells your love for me hasn't dwindled to the point of utter exhaustion yet, for I can rekindle it
tenfold of what it ever was.
Better judgment is calmly telling me to hold my emotions at bay though, because if your head is already made up, your
heart will surely reel from any affections I offer.
And to know that I can no longer be an active part of them is terrible, Sum of sums. I am shamed, saddened and
shocked....but overall, predominantly infused with an incredibly aware perception of the transient nature of things
and the need to grab hold of them as gloriously as you can, while you still can.
I learnt so very much from you, which will be kept with me forever.
You have been the loveliest thing I have ever had the honour of observing on this planet, during my brief stint at
life sofar. And even more incredibly, I was lucky enough to be graced with many more intimate and interesting verbs to
savour through elated experience, that all delightfully describe the incredible intrigues in which you marvelled me.
As I am certainly sure you will continue to do exponentially throughout your life to all those lucky enough to be
around you.

With love dipped in sighs and sun, Goodbye, eyes of storm.
until a warmer wintersnight.
"

Continue back to NC & don't send it.
No reason to now.

Breakup sex? What for? Just think of the last time you had sex with her as breakup sex and don't bother doing it. The mere fact that she requested this shows some indication of her immaturity.

The fact is, no matter what you do or say to her at this point will change her mind. She has made it up already and you should respect her wishes. When she calls or messages you because she misses you, it's because she is using you as an emotional crutch until she can find something else to support her. She's not saying these things because she wants to get back together... she already knows that at the drop of a hat she could get back together with you.

I know you care about her a lot, but you only have control over one thing in this scenario... yourself. We all know that the best way to deal with a breakup is to stop talking. Otherwise you'll both torture yourselves emotionally. If you really care about her and yourself, you will not contact her and let her and you both heal from this. It's good that you wrote the letter, but do NOT send it! It isn't going to do anything. You have a false sense of hope that you'll get closure from this, but you won't. Until you're willing to accept that it is truly over, all the advice in the world isn't going to help you out :(

I do not think it has been going on long, only a few days at most, she just met these people.
She has always hated "cheaters" and as I love her I will give her the benefit of the doubt, a kiss is just a kiss.
But the dishonesty/jealousy is swirling around inside me like maddened bees that i want to let out.
Not sure if I should vent it onto her (she said "she wanted to see me angry, why am you never angry?", in her tearfilled fleeing)

or block her completely till she sorts herself out.


Yes you are ANGRY! But whatever you do. Do NOT show that you are angry. Be calm and talk to her. Don't let your emotion show through because you want her to think the most positive of you.

Dear friend;
Well, I believe that every girl has someone in her mind, and this one has different characters, different behaviors or different style of life. But that doesn't mean she is looking forward that one, she meets many people among them she feels that is the one ignoring everything that was in her mind about her "Knight".

What I am trying to say is that she found someone who might be closer to her dreams that you are, but that will be just an experience. I am sure that you have a better chances to win her heart again, cause it is already yours. Remember that she mentioned what happened was because she was drunk meaning she still cares about her.

Anyway, try to show her that you DO care, and never let her away 'cause you really love her. just keep me updated with your new info. and we will solve it!!!


Wait, I don't buy this advice. He must act tough and stay his ground. He should not go back and beg to be with her. This is the wrong move.

Sounds like she is realizing that there are more fish in the sea and she doesn't want to look back years from now thinking what could have been IF she had checked the waters.
You have to give her her space. You can't make someone love you if they aren't sure.

Well, it is time for an update!

First up I wish to sincerely offer my appreciation... you helped me through the turmoil of ending hearts. Which is hard. So thanks a lot guys!

Update time:
Insert usual breakup turmoil.
Got sick of the rollercoaster of emotions and lack of control.
Deleted her on facebook/phone/left all her stuff in a box outside her door.
She got mad.
Ignored madness.
Went total NC (which was hard) and focused on myself (buying books, weights, being a good employee, saying yes to random invitations to go out for drinks instead of instinctively declining etc)
Had fun. (albeit with a slight shadow of pain)
Was walking home drunk one Friday night, hadn't spoken to ex in weeks... she calls at 12.30am -ish... couldn't be bothered doing the relationship talking... so I said.. "I am right near your place" She said "ok, but this is not real....just a dream...."
Me: " I love dreams"
Early next morning I walk away into the mist with a very big smile.
Resume NC.
Somehow, this night of secret debauchery fills me with incredible confidence... I stop fretting about love and just care about life instead.
Go down to the city on the weekend, call up a girl I had a crush on in high school who rejected me,we spend a wonderful weekend together (she is very very attractive and way too smart for me) but nonetheless the nights were long and lovely.
Feel as great as I have ever felt in a long time.
last night, ex calls up all sad and asks to see me.
I was totally on a high, and an she couldn't bring me down so I said yep.
We go out, sit and play scrabble in a restaurant all night long, talking.
Was nice.
Slept over but no sex. She kept dropping hints that she wished she never walked out.
I tell her about my weekend.
She tells me about her experimentations.
We are very comfortable.
Enter the present...
who knows what the future holds.

What do you mean by "her experimentations"? Are she dating? Having sexual relationships with different people?

Yeah, she has been trying out some other guys at college, I think.
I thought I would hate the idea, but after I did the same, any negative feelings would be hypocritical.
She needs to expand her knowledge base, for objective comparisons... I guess..