Please help. I don't know what to do anymore. My husband read a few texts on my phone yesterday from a former co-worker, that, I admit has been a little too friendly... actually way too friendly up to the point where he has been courting me even though I am married. He started as a friend at work and nothing more and he actually respected my marriage and didn't try anything funny in the beginning. As time went by and especially around the time I left that job (a couple of months ago) he started flirting more and more and sending me texts like "I wish I had someone like you" "You're the best" "My world is shattered when you are not around". I usually used to delete them because--and this is where I realize I have made a terrible mistake--I knew it was wrong of me to have that go on in the first place. To not say "hey, leave me alone, I'm married". I used to go along with it, and sometimes when he said he misses me and misses having me around at work, I'd say I miss him too (because like I said, we did start as friends, and he's a funny guy and we used to get along). Never, not even once did I consider doing anything more than returning his texts (and I know, I shouldn't have stayed in contact with him, but nobody's perfect and that is my mistake). I never went out with him and never did anything else.. basically I never cheated on my husband! I could never do anything like that but apparently my husband thinks I can because last night I went through hell.

I went through hell because I came home from work and he admitted seeing the texts that morning and basically all hell broke loose: he accused me of cheating and said I'm a nasty cheater and a liar and that I'm disgusting and that he doesn't want to look at me ever again. It got pretty nasty and he even threatened he would kill himself if I didn't leave him alone. He said he's asked me before if there's anything I'm hiding from him (he asked me about a month ago when we were up in Niagara Falls, he said he feels like something is wrong and asked if I'm hiding anything, and I said NO because, honestly, nothing was going on! And there was nothing to hide! What was I supposed to say? I'm getting these texts from a former co-worker and I'm not stopping it because it makes me feel good?) Now he just sees me as a liar and cheater.. he wants nothing to do with me. He left for work this morning but I don't even know what his plans are, if he's coming home or leaving me.

I've never felt so much pain in my life. I feel like somebody just tore my heart out. I don't know what to do. I know I made a mistake and the fact that: that stupid mistake that could have easily been avoided caused all of this, devastates me and that it is all my fault.

Now to explain why I even stayed in contact and responded to the texts is a totally different story. For the past couple of years I've been feeling neglected and not loved. My husband rarely ever says I love you. He never compliments me. We never talk. It's like we just live together and love each other (well at least I love him) and that's that. We've been together for a total of 8 years, married 4 years. We've always had problems. We always used to fight a lot.. and he's been through some tough times and I have been through some tough times and I think it has just changed him.. it made me love him even more and want to be with him even more but it seems like our past has just broken him and has put a distance between us. And I guess this is why I am devastated now while he is just ready to up and leave and doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

About the txting, what I'm saying is that I guess I'm only human (and I'm not trying to excuse my behaviour I'm just trying to find some sort of an explanation as to why I would do it) I've been feeling lonely and neglected and feeling like I give love and don't really get it back.. and I guess I was just trying to fill that void. And when this former co-worker/friend started flirting and saying nice things like how beautiful I am and how great I am, I didn't want to cut it off. I liked it, and the only way I could get it is if I responded. Never was I interested in doing anything more with him nor have I cheated or was planning on cheating. I am actually disgusted when I think of cheating on him :( :( I could never ever do it. It's evil and disgusting and I've made mistakes but I have morals and I know when to stop.

I love my husband so much and I just want to be with him :( I know that we can't go back now and that everything's ruined. What do I do?? He doesn't believe me and he just keeps calling me a liar and a cheater and that god knows what I did and what I am not telling him. He doesn't want me to talk to him and if I walk towards him or get close to him he freaks out and gets kind of scary. He's threatened that if I don't leave him alone and let him be he won't come back when he leaves the house.

Please help. Please.


P.S. I know a lot of your are going to say marriage counseling. But that is not an immediate option since he refuses to even talk to me. But even in the future should he choose to speak to me again, he doesn't believe in therapy. So I really don't know what to do :( :(

Give him time.

His emotions are too raw right now to expect instant forgiveness.

Let him know that you know you messed up and let him know you truly understand his pain.That is very important!

Even though *nothing happened*,in his mind something did happen.It is emotional cheating and he feels understandably betrayed.

To throw away eight years because you were feeling flattered would be an awful injustice.In time,he may come to understand that.

Whatever you do ,do not point an accusing finger at him because he was failing to make you feel appreciated.There will be time for that later.

Right now,leave him alone and let him know how sorry you are and that you understand his pain and stay out of his way.

Do not try to invalidate his feelings by saying it was nothing.It is something to him,just as it was to you.

Let him be for now and wait until his emotions have calmed down and then discuss this.

I'll be brutally honest.

To some, this would be considered cheating; emotionally. No matter what your reasons, I do think it was wrong of you to continue with the flirtations.

It will take time to let your husband sort this out. Once he does, you may be able to convince him nothing physical happened. It will be much harder to convince him you didn't cheat on him mentally/emotionally.

It'll take time, for sure. How long, is anyone's guess. Good luck

I know this may sound weird.. But aside from what she just said *reads above* Trying to communicate isn't a bad thing. Write him a letter. Heck, print out this page and write a note with it and leave it where he will read it. If you leave a note out and say nothing to him, chances are he will read it. He looked in your phone, after all. There aren't going to be the right words to make it all better, but he needs to know these things, and without therapy at least that's an option. My husband and I e-mail letters back and forth all of the time. He's learning how to communicate, and I over communicate, so it helps him feel like he can express himself in his own way and in his own time without me trying to explain himself to him.

Other than that, you need to tell this other guy that you aren't interested. Not only was this selfish of you, but you could have just potentially ruined three people's lives. I know you know this already, but he needs to know, and if your husband ever asks you, you will have made the effort to make it clear to the other guy you are only interested in your husband. You're going to have to do a lot to fix that hurt, one of the best places to start is accepting responsibility for messing up, and doing what you can to seek forgiveness. Even if your husband won't talk to you, he needs to know you love him and he is important to you.

Chey5782: I'm afraid he won't even want to look at the letter. I've tried that before when we had a big fight and he didn't even bother reading it. He always says there's nothing to say/nothing to talk about. He's really emotional and sensitive on the one hand but on the other hand he's also very closed-up and has put up a huge wall. And this time, I don't think I can get through.

LearningAsIGo and artlady: I know I messed up but I don't know if I would consider it emotional cheating because I had no feelings for the co-worker/friend, if I really think about it, I was only interested in what he was writing me. I wasn't emotionally involved with him personally, I didn't love him and I didn't want to be with him or any of that sort. He was just providing something that I was apparently missing, and again, this is not an excuse, but I just want to make it clear that I was not involved, not only physically, but also emotionally. It probably would've been the same if it were somebody else and not him.

Of course I know that it was still wrong, I just wanted to make that distinction. And I completely agree I should let him know that I know I messed up and that I love him and that what I did was absolutely wrong. It's just hard because he won't let me say a word to him at the moment. It just hurts more than anything to hear him say he doesn't want to see or talk to me anymore and that I am disgusting and that things will never be the same.

I had to call out of work today and I've been in bed all day, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to lose him. He's my world.

Thanks for the advice and the support, I really need it especially since nobody knows and I have nobody to talk to (do not want to involve family and friends).

I know this may sound weird.. But aside from what she just said *reads above* Trying to communicate isn't a bad thing. Write him a letter. Heck, print out this page and write a note with it and leave it where he will read it. If you leave a note out and say nothing to him, chances are he will read it. He looked in your phone, after all. There aren't going to be the right words to make it all better, but he needs to know these things, and without therapy at least that's an option. My husband and I e-mail letters back and forth all of the time. He's learning how to communicate, and I over communicate, so it helps him feel like he can express himself in his own way and in his own time without me trying to explain himself to him.

Can't rep you but I agree that this is an excellent idea.It gets a point across and takes away the emotional turmoil that a face to face conversation would have.

I'm just really scared, I don't want him to leave me. I won't be able to handle it. He's my world. And I told him I will do anything he wants and that nothing happened. :( :(

It is really sad that you let it go this far. People now days if they want to remain in a stable relationship need to realize that talking, flirting or texting a person of the opposite sex can lead to all sorts of problems. You must never put yourself in that position.
Now, he refuses counseling, so what other options do you have? None except separation and or divorce. Or continue to live the way you are now, like roommates without benefits.

I'm just really scared, I don't want him to leave me. I won't be able to handle it. He's my world. And I told him I will do anything he wants and that nothing happened. :( :(

If he won't read a note from you then it looks like you are going to have to wait until he is ready to talk to you about it, or do something about it. I hate to say just suffer and wait, but he may just need the time, like she said.

I know, I made a terrible mistake, and even though it was just texting it has come to have terrible consequences. I never saw this happening and I never feared it and I guess that's another reason it's so hard on me, because it's also a shock. The reason I never saw this happening is because I wasn't cheating (I didn't love the other person or ever did anything physical with him) it was just all about the texts and me being lonely and needy and selfish.
I know I was wrong, but I just feel like this has gotten way out of control and is being blown out of proportion and there is nothing I can do but sit and watch (and cry) while the ship goes down. He has every right to feel betrayed and hurt but I just feel like I'm being punished above and beyond for something that doesn't deserve such a severe punishment. To just up and leave because of texts? The problem is he thinks I love him, because in one of the texts he found me saying "miss ya too" but it was really, honestly, innocent (I didn't mean it as a "i miss u" between lovers.. like I said this guy was a friend to begin with and it was the only way I could keep in touch with him and still get his flattering texts. I know that sounds sick. But I guess it was my sick way of dealing with my lonliness and neglect.

My husband just stopped by from work (I have no clue why) and I tried talking to him but he doesn't even want to look at me let alone talk to me. He accused me of loving this other person and stormed off.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I can wait like some othe people have suggested but what if nothing happens and things just stay the same? What if he leaves? (I won't be able to bear it.. especially him leaving over something like this).

And I don't think writing him a letter will work at the moment. He is too angry, too hurt.

Leave him alone.Make him a nice dinner,put it in the fridge with a note that says *please lets talk ,when you are ready*and stay out of his way until he comes to grips.
He is emotionally devastated,give him time to digest this!
That is your best option.

I think you need to re-evaluate what you consider cheating, and what your husband considers cheating. Because you think you haven't, and he sees it completely different. My opinion would be that if my husband did that, I would be crushed, then I would go break his windshield in. I know you are upset but you really need to look at it with his feelings more in mind. You want him to forgive you and talk to you, but you won't admit that it IS, at least to him, a form of cheating. And honestly, I agree with him and the others who responded, it IS emotional cheating, you went somewhere else for what he wasn't giving you, and crushed him. You need to fully comprehend the mistake and how he views it, and accept responsibility before you are going to be able to start fixing this. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it seems like the reality of the situation.

He has every right to feel betrayed and hurt but I just feel like I'm being punished above and beyond for something that doesn't deserve such a severe punishment. To just up and leave because of texts? The problem is he thinks I love him, because in one of the texts he found me saying "miss ya too" but it was really, honestly, innocent (I didn't mean it as a "i miss u" between lovers.. like I said this guy was a friend to begin with and it was the only way I could keep in touch with him and still get his flattering texts. I know that sounds sick. But I guess it was my sick way of dealing with my lonliness and neglect.
You know it was a meaningless game that puffed up your ego but he DOES NOT! It is being blown out of proportion in your head because you know the truth.He does not know the truth,he is too enraged and hurt to see it now.You can't have an instant fix here.
Let him comes to terms in his own time.

Chey5782; I think you need to re-evaluate what you consider cheating, and what your husband considers cheating. Because you think you haven't, and he sees it completely different. My opinion would be that if my husband did that, I would be crushed, then I would go break his windshield in. I know you are upset but you really need to look at it with his feelings more in mind.
I am putting myself in his shoes and seeing it the way he sees it, and it's so different from the reality and what really happened and I feel helpless because I can't even explain that to him. And even if I do, he won't believe it.

I completely agree that it looks bad, and if he did that to me I would be crushed too. But sometimes things aren't as they seem (unless you actually catch them having sex in a corner, then it's really as it seems). My texts seemed like I'm having some sort of an affair with this man when I wasn't!! I was just using him for what he was writing me in his texts. I made a mistake, I shouldn't have turned to somebody else's texts to fill in what I wasn't getting from my relationship but it didn't go far, I never loved this man, I never did anything with him.. and it seems a lot worse than it really is. Only, there is no way to make my husband understand that.

You know it was a meaningless game that puffed up your ego but he DOES NOT! It is being blown out of proportion in your head because you know the truth.He does not know the truth,he is too enraged and hurt to see it now.You can't have an instant fix here.
Let him comes to terms in his own time.

Exactly. I know what it was but he totally misunderstood it (who wouldn't). And he is too angry to listen to me or try and see my side of the story rather than what he thinks happened and the conclusions that he's drawn.

But how do you get out of this? I will give him time.. I have a feeling that will calm him down a little, but nothing more than that. He won't want to talk to me he won't want t sort it out. The question is, what is going on in his head now. Is he planning on leaving me? Is he planning on staying in a love-less (on his end) relationship or maybe deep down he knows I didn't do anything and that somehow we will work it out, but he can't get the texts out of his head and what they might mean.

Ugh, this is a mess. Nothing worse than being smacked back right in the face. I know what goes around comes around, but with me it came around harder and harsher. :( :(

Exactly. I know what it was but he totally misunderstood it (who wouldn't). And he is too angry to listen to me or try and see my side of the story rather than what he thinks happened and the conclusions that he's drawn.

But how do you get out of this? I will give him time.. I have a feeling that will calm him down a little, but nothing more than that. He won't want to talk to me he won't want t sort it out. The question is, what is going on in his head now. Is he planning on leaving me? Is he planning on staying in a love-less (on his end) relationship or maybe deep down he knows I didn't do anything and that somehow we will work it out, but he can't get the txts out of his head and what they might mean.

Ugh, this is a mess. Nothing worse than being smacked back right in the face. I know what goes around comes around, but with me it came around harder and harsher. :( :(

After the storm has passed and he is able to be rational,ask him how to fix this.
Do not bring up the fact that his ignoring you forced your hand here.Not yet,that is a conversation for way down the road.
Let him decide how to fix this,maybe he will want to talk to the guy.He can confirm your story of innocence.

I agree with what other people have said but in my eyes this IS cheating, emotional cheating. Apparently you weren't totally honest with your husband and I have no idea if you were honest with you co-worker. You admit you were "using" your co-worker in order to receive the texts.

As far as why you did this - meaningless excuses.

I think you have to let things cool down, calm yourself down, hope your husband calms down, eventually discuss it rationally.

The "you ignored me and so that's why I did this" excuse is most definitely not going to fly here. You're an adult and you played a dangerous game - and you got caught.

If he'll go I would also get into counselling. Sometimes the more these issues fester the worse it gets. If he won't go, I would go by myself to find out why this happened, how you got so involved, what is it that's missing in your relationship with your husband.

I would be heartbroken if my husband did this to me, texting behind my back, encouraging a co-worker by not stopping the relationship, blaming me and my lack of attention for the problem.

The "you ignored me and so that's why I did this" excuse is most definitely not going to fly here. You're an adult and you played a dangerous game - and you got caught.
Exactly,and you never fix something in your marriage by going out of the marriage.I have yet to see a good outcome ever when people opt for this.

Sounds like the man believes you did more than being overly friendly and flirty. If he does not trust you, then perhaps the reason for the lack of trust needs to be fixed -- whether it is him having trust issues or whether something you are doing is making him not trust you. Hang in there and give him a little time.

Sounds like the man believes you did more than being overly friendly and flirty. If he does not trust you, then perhaps the reason for the lack of trust needs to be fixed -- whether it is him having trust issues or whether something you are doing is making him not trust you. Hang in there and give him a little time.


You don't think that having this "relationship," no matter how innocent (OP has said that she was "using" the other guy) is reason for her husband to have trust issues?

In NY - where I am - this behavior is grounds for divorce, unfortunately for OP.

I have to wonder how far the behavior would have gone (note that she left the job and it continues). How lonely and upset and looking for comfort she would have been and if she would ever have acted on taking the text relationship farther than she did.

This is sad all the way around - I feel worry for everyone involved, including the guy at work who could find himself in the middle of a very messy situation. Wonder what his marital status is?

Maybe this is a question for a discussion board - ?

You need to say to him what you've told us here. You admit it was wrong that you allowed this sort of communication to continue between you and this ex-coworker. Now you need to let your husband know that you know it was wrong. Apologize to him for these things and try to reassure him that you've never cheated on him and never would. I think a little bit of humility here will mend a lot of fences.

There is nothing you can say or do to justify what you have, and haven't done.

What you have done is encourage emotional cheating with an ex-coworker, who 'made you feel good about yourself' as you said.

What you haven't done, is address issues with your husband before the texting relationship started.

So, what makes it okay that because you got busted, your husband is the one to blame for all of this, by justifying his behaviour which somehow made you do it in the first place? Surely you knew that every text you got that you responded to was innapropriate. And surely you knew that blocking the coworkers number was the right thing to do for a married woman?

You didn't do it. You got busted. Now you are figuring things out? Where have you been!

There are many, many things you could have done if you were unhappy with your husband, and none of them include adding another man on the side.

If it were me, Im sorry to say, I would not give you the time of day either. At some point, perhaps your husband, who is NOT responsible for any of this second relationship you have going on, will allow you a second chance.

I think it really was a coward's way out for you; cheap thrills with the phone chat, and no effort until after the fact, to address the problems in your marriage.

You make it sound so innocent. I don't buy it.

The trust issues that I bring up is that her husband sounds like he believes she cheated physically with another man, which is usually much harder for a man to take than emotional infidelity. If he was upset about the inappropriate texting that is one thing. But to accuse her of things she said that she did not do shows a lack of trust. So, one of them or maybe both need to work on the trust issues if they want a healthy relationship.

It sounds like there is a lot of STUFF here. It's not just your texting, which is not excusable, but you never addressed how you feel neglected or all the fighting.

When we don't deal with our feelings or the problems with the people we are in relationships with, we start behaving our feelings... our frustrations etc.

I feel like this is emotional cheating... but it's really a symptom of a bigger problem in your marriage. And if he won't go to marriage counseling, I don't see how this is going to resolve.

I think that you are to blame for the latest episode but it's really an on-going thing. I think you both need to fix it or forget it... otherwise this round and round is just going to keep going round and round.

There is nothing you can say or do to justify what you have, and haven't done.

What you have done is encourage emotional cheating with an ex-coworker, who 'made you feel good about yourself' as you said.

What you haven't done, is address issues with your husband before the texting relationship started.

So, what makes it okay that because you got busted, your husband is the one to blame for all of this, by justifying his behaviour which somehow made you do it in the first place? Surely you knew that every text you got that you responded to was innapropriate. And surely you knew that blocking the coworkers number was the right thing to do for a married woman?

You didn't do it. You got busted. Now you are figuring things out? Where have you been!

There are many, many things you could have done if you were unhappy with your husband, and none of them include adding another man on the side.

If it were me, Im sorry to say, I would not give you the time of day either. At some point, perhaps your husband, who is NOT responsible for any of this second relationship you have going on, will allow you a second chance.

I think it really was a coward's way out for you; cheap thrills with the phone chat, and no effort until after the fact, to address the problems in your marriage.

You make it sound so innocent. I don't buy it.


Seems like I'm just being accused and beaten down by your comments (most of you here). I am not saying what I did was right. I am not giving excuses but I'm trying to look deep down as to why I would have done such a thing. I still do not consider it emotional cheating because I was not involved, in any way, emotionally, with this man. I just liked the attention. And yes, I guess that is a little sick and it's a disgusting way of dealing with my problem in my marriage, but I would never have let it gone any farther than that. I love my husband and I am staying married and made that clear to the former co-worker/friend as well.

Now what you all don't know is that I DID try to address the problems I have with my husband--how we never have any conversations, how I feel we're just like roomates, how he never shows any affection; but he just always used to dismiss it saying that I live in a Disney world and to snap out of it (saying I love you and wanting to hear "I love you too" instead of "OK" is living in a Disney world? ) I've brought it up numerous times, jokingly and non-jokingly. And this has been missing from my relationship for a long time already. Again, I am not making excuses and blaming him, I am just explaining a little more about our relationship and where I am coming from.

Never did I say that I was right and what I did was right, I am just trying to look at myself and really ask myself how could I let this happen? I was lonely, I was feeling neglected and I was weak and stupid with how I dealt with it, knowing that what I was doing what wrong while I was doing it. I'm only human, and I made a mistake. I did not cheat however, and I will stand my ground on that one.

The trust issues that I bring up is that her husband sounds like he believes she cheated physically with another man, which is usually much harder for a man to take than emotional infidelity. If he was upset about the inappropriate texting that is one thing. But to accuse her of things she said that she did not do shows a lack of trust. So, one of them or maybe both need to work on the trust issues if they want a healthy relationship.

That is true safeheart; he would always snoop online to see what sites I browsed, etc. And he does believe that there is more that I'm not telling him and that I did more and that I'm lying, when I'm NOT and never did. But his trust is broken (I don't blame him after those texts) and he doesn't believe a word I say. However, on the other hand, I really did not cheat, and I am being accused of way more than what I really did. And there's no way out of it now, no way to fix it until he decides to trust me again, and trust what I'm saying... and I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Seems like I'm just being accused and beaten down by your comments (most of you here). I am not saying what I did was right. I am not giving excuses but I'm trying to look deep down as to why I would have done such a thing. I still do not consider it emotional cheating because I was not involved, in any way, emotionally, with this man. I just liked the attention. And yes, I guess that is a little sick and it's a disgusting way of dealing with my problem in my marriage, but I would never have let it gone any farther than that. I love my husband and I am staying married and made that clear to the former co-worker/friend as well.

Now what you all don't know is that I DID try to address the problems I have with my husband--how we never have any conversations, how I feel we're just like roomates, how he never shows any affection; but he just always used to dismiss it saying that I live in a Disney world and to snap out of it (saying I love you and wanting to hear "I love you too" instead of "OK" is living in a Disney world??) I've brought it up numerous times, jokingly and non-jokingly. And this has been missing from my relationship for a long time already. Again, I am not making excuses and blaming him, I am just explaining a little more about our relationship and where I am coming from.

Never did I say that I was right and what I did was right, I am just trying to look at myself and really ask myself how could I let this happen? I was lonely, I was feeling neglected and I was weak and stupid with how I dealt with it, knowing that what I was doing what wrong while I was doing it. I'm only human, and I made a mistake. I did not cheat however, and I will stand my ground on that one.

Maybe the question needs to be why you're staying in this marriage if so much is missing. Perhaps the on-line relationship is just a big red flag that you need to get out.

Just an update.. things are really bad as you know. He won't talk to me, look at me or let me go near him. And he's lost control a couple of times. It's never been this bad between us, and since he will never consider therapy I figured the only way to solve this is to get somebody else involved, because he won't listen to me. He has a lot of respect for his older brother (who lives on the other side of the planet, but anyway) so I called him, and his cousin and told them what happened, and I told them what I'd done and they said they would help us fix this. His brother called him a few times yesterday and talked to him. I think he calmed him down a little bit, but we still have a long way to go until he even decides to look at me again. They told me that I was stupid and weak and should never have let that happen, but they were also surprised to hear all the details about our relationship, and all the problems we have... they agreed that our past has a lot to do with what just happened. They said they believe me that I haven't done anything beyond the texting and that they are going to keep talking to my husband and try and get him to realize that too and slowly repair his trust.

I'm trying to be optimistic and believe that it's going to be OK, even if it takes a long time, but I can't help but think negative because something like this has never happened before, and his trust is broken and I really think he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

Personally, I know what I can do in the future to make our relationship better, but there's also a lot that he can do (down the road once we're somewhat ok) as well. I can give and give but when you're not getting anything back you stop giving and when you get really lonely and depressed you start doing foolish things. I've learned my lesson and once this is repaired (if it will be) I know what I can do to make it better and what I should never ever do, even if I'm feeling way down and lonely. I'll let you know what happens. But right now everything's still fresh and raw, and he's so angry I can't tell what his plans are. :(

I don't think anyone is trying to vilify you here, and I think what is disconcerting is that you have this denial that you were not emotionally cheating and many of us see it differently.
A quick definition of emotional cheating is :


Though it may not seem like it, emotional infidelity is a betrayal of your partner - even though it's not like a “real” affair with physical intimacy and intercourse.


It is all semantics ,at any rate.The problem I have is that while you admit you did something wrong,you are still justifying the behavior by stating that you were vulnerable due to your husbands lack of communication and lack of affection.

I understand all of that and how you fell into this meaningless relationship because of that .

You should have chosen another way to cope with your feelings of rejection. I hope that if your marriage survives this you choose therapy,if only for yourself, to understand if you can cope with his indifference and if not how you are going to proceed from there.

Your post sounded very one sided ,like it was all about you and how you were hurt and how you were terrified he was going to leave.It came off as being a kind of me me kind of thing.I think that is where you may have lost some compassion.

Hopefully,down the road ,your husband may come to understand that his indifference needs to be put in check and that you both need to work on communication,lest your marriage fall to the wayside.

Marriage is work,hard work.Loving is the easy part ,the rest takes maturity,commitment and a willingness to work on issues before they escalate.

I hope you do not feel we have ganged up on you as I know that was not the intention.Rather some of us were attempting to help you to see this from a different perspective.

What is Emotional Cheating? Spouses Who Talk Intimately With Others are Committing Infidelity | Suite101.com (http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/emotional_cheating)

When you went to Niagara Falls with your husband, and he asked you if anything was wrong, you said, no. That makes you a liar.

When you said this: "My husband read a few texts on my phone yesterday from a former co-worker, that, I admit has been a little too friendly... actually way too friendly up to the point where he has been courting me even though I am married. He started as a friend at work and nothing more and he actually respected my marriage and didn't try anything funny in the beginning. As time went by and especially around the time I left that job (a couple of months ago) he started flirting more and more and sending me texts like "I wish I had someone like you" "You're the best" "My world is shattered when you are not around".

That makes you a cheat.

Have you ended the relationship with the co-worker?

How did he react, is he married by the way?

If you husband picked up on the fact that you were unhappy, and you failed to have a conversation with him, you missed a golden opportunity to do some mending. But you kept the relationship with the co-worker a secret instead, and left your husband in the dark.

Turns out he was right. All he needed was proof, and you forgot to delete some messages, otherwise he'd still be wondering.

I am also suspicious that had your husband not checked out a few things on your phone, that your relationship with the co-worker, would have (if it hasn't already) resulted in meetings and phone calls.

I don't know that you are serious about your marriage enough to let the co-worker go, and get yourself into therapy to see why you don't hold yourself accountable for your own actions. While your behaviour has put a justifiable wedge in your marriage, it was caused by you.

That your husband has been betrayed, lied to, cheated on, and finds himself in the unfortunate position of you blaming all of this on his shortcomings, it will be very difficult to just get over it.

You have to be able to understand why you chose to do what you did, what the damage was, and why, and work on yourself in order to understand what it is you need to learn, and do, in order for your marriage to work.

IF that's what you want.

It is just my opinion, but I do not think that the wife is 100% responsible here. I mean, she might be, but passing that judgment without finding out both sides of the story is not fair to her.

I agree she could have found what she was looking for if she just got a pet or something... lots of women do not have men in their lives and find ways to make themselves happy! Also, she probably does not know what her husband is and has been up to. To me, one instance of emotional infidelity is not a valid reason to get a divorce. There has to be much more negativity in the marriage than just her mistakes. Also, this may be a very young couple who have come from dysfunctional homes and need to learn appropriate relationship skills.

My heart goes out to you Nut-Ina-Choc. And, if you get a chance to save your marriage, please learn better ways to relate to him and hopefully he will learn from you.

From what I have read this is but the culmination of a lot of bad behavior on both sides.

I think the raw emotions on both sides make it clear, neither of you is ready, or able, to think clearly or calmly. I know you can now recognize your mistakes, as your paying the consequences, but you must be patient, and let his anger run its course, and that will take longer than you want, no doubt.

I am a big believer in acknowledging the mess you made, and forgiving yourself, That's a must for right now, as its one thing to be humble and full of humility, and quite another to be a doormat, and though you may of done a very bad thing in desperation or whatever reason you believe, you had better clear your head for what lies ahead, as depression is not an option, and you better deal with it.

Okay your husband is pi$$ed, and won't talk to you, completely understandable, and since he won't get help for himself, why can't you get it for yourself???

You can do a lot for your own good, by seeing that counselor, without him. Thats better than being depressed, and alone, and worrying about the end of the world.

I think that's what you do while you wait for his emotional dust to settle. One of you will have to learn how to communicate better, so get busy, and help yourself with some positive actions.

I don't see any need for the husband to seek therapy here - of course, I agree, "we" only have one side of the story.

The wife lied and emotionally cheated and she thinks her husband has a problem and needs therapy?

I think she's the one who has to work out her own demons before she can work on his - and I still think she pitted two men against each other for purposes of satisfying her ego.

If He is like me, He will remain angry until she fully accepts the culpability of her actions... bringing a third party into the Marriage...

Accept that a wrong action has occurred. Admit and fully understand that is was wrong and let him know that you understand fully... And ask for His forgiveness so you can start fresh and move forward...

I guess to some that would be seen as weak and giving a "Man" too much power...

Admitting that she made a mistake and asking forgiveness does not sound weak to me. It sounds very strong. Also, this would give the "man" no more power in the relationship than if the roles were reversed and the man had to admit a mistake and ask for forgiveness.

Your answer sounds like good advice to me.

He who is sorry for having sinned is almost innocent. -- Seneca

I talked to a guy when out with friends and we chatted on emails but I stopped when he started flirting. My husband read the emails and said I must have cheated with him. He said I was all sorts of unrepeatable things. I didn't cheat and think that I am allowed to have male friends right. Apparently not. I took a night of hell and abuse and he is leaving me because of this. I hate modern tech and think it accentuates things and lets others read between the lines and come up with wrong picture of the situation. I think that an insecure partner is going to flip and judge by his own standards. I agree with you I don't think you cheated emotionally I think you made a mistake to let it continue but here's the thing you needed the texts and your husband should have been telling you all of those things. Unfortunately you can't breath these days without it being recorded and held against you.