Hi all,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 6 months now. During the first few months, he always the one who initiates the contact most of the time. During those times, I was busy working and studying so I hardly see him (only once per week sometimes once bi-weekly). I love him but he said he didn't feel loved by me since I hardly see him or contact him. Then, about 2 months ago we talked (when my schedule was not as busy as before) he told me that he feels abandoned by me. Then, I asked him if it's too late to save our relationship. He said he was not sure.

Then, he started to tell me more stuff (about how he feels months before when I was so busy with my stuff). After that, he continued on and there, he talked about his feelings. He said he was not sure how he feels towards me (he said he might lose his feelings towards me) and wanted a break up. I was in shock because he rarely communicate his feelings towards me. I told him that I was sorry for not putting in much effort but I really do love him. I asked for a second chance to show how much I care. He agreed.

Now, I have been putting so much effort into the relationship ( we see each other at least once a week now etc.) and he doesn't seem to care about me anymore. He's distant and I don't feel loved by him. I told him that he's acting 'hot and cold' to me. He didn't say anything.

I feel like I am at the end of the rope still hanging. I don't want to let him go but at the same time I am suffering inside. I am sad, I blamed myself most of the time for what happened earlier. It's like I am living in the past. I don't know how to stop this kind of guilt thinking. I really love him deeply and he knows that now. Do you think that his feelings will ever grow back to the way it was before or even more?? Should I keep on initiating contact with him or let him come to me?? Any other thoughts??


Thanks in advance,
De4rest

Honestly, when you are getting the hot cold treatment, it could mean he really isn't interested but is too afraid he will hurt you, or he isn't sure, and he is keeping you around because it's all he has at the moment.

I would give him the breakup---if he calls in a few weeks and wants to go for it again, fine. If not, it wasn't meant to be. (don't be a doormat for his "needs" every couple of weeks though) if you know what I mean.

Sorry, but I think it is too late to save your relationship. The first 6 months is usually the honeymoon phase, and it seems like you still do not know much about each other. It seems like there is too much distance between you now.

I feel like I am at the end of the rope still hanging. I don't want to let him go but at the same time I am suffering inside. I am sad, I blamed myself most of the time for what happened earlier. It's like I am living in the past. I don't know how to stop this kind of guilt thinking. I really love him deeply and he knows that now.

De4rest,
I can feel your pain. Yes, it is very difficult to be with a 'hot and cold' person. The truth is if he loves, he will pursue you no matter what you do. Men have a tendency to chase 'something hard' to get. So, what you did not was wrong at all. Recently, you listened to him, put your effort, and did your best for your relationship. Do not blame yourself. If he is cold to you, then prepare yourself for breakup. You cannot beg love. Relationship does not work that way. Actually, it works opposite. When you are confident (not desperate), the partner feels challenge, and pursue you further. Invest your time and effort to you, not him.

Please sit down with him, and have a straight talk to send your message. "If yo do not change, I am going." If he cares about you, he will react immediately. If he does not, then it means he changed his heart while ago but blaming you, and you should walk away with grace. It is not worth to torture yourself for someone hot and cold.

It's only been six months and his personality has changed already. Don't blame yourself, you obviously put the effort in to make the relationship better. What has he done besides complain about how busy you are? And now that you're putting more effort in, he's being a jerk with the hot/cold thing.

I would sit him down and talk to him. Let everything out and say what you want out of the relationship. If you don't get any clear indication to what his deal is, I would end it. It's better to end the relationship now than drag it on further, especially if he's pulling this garbage.

It takes two people to make a relationship work. At first, he was the only one putting the effort, now you're the only one. This is really unhealthy.

It's time to have another talk with him again. Successful relationships is based on a strong communication system. Furthermore, if there are problem, you need to have progress in trying to fix those problems.

If those factors are not present, then you're hanging on to something that is bound to end. Don't prolong your pain and suffering, do something about it or make a clean break.

Thanks all of you for the advices. I will keep that in mind. You know, I keep on hoping and wishing the situation will get better. Each day that goes by seem so tough for me. I feel so helpless. We had a talk yesterday. He told me that we misunderstand each other a lot. We don't really know each other well. We need to see each other more. Well, having said that, if he really wants to understand me more, how come he doesn't initiate contact? I always initiating now. I feel so tired! I don't even know how he's feeling now. It seems like he wants to try but the effort is not really showing. Is he like doing this on purpose because of what I did earlier?? I don't even know what to think now.

Well, my advice is move on-you are, in a way being used. And you are obsessing over something that will not be. It is a waste of time, and self destructive on your part.

You just were getting over your ex when you started this relationship

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/its-all-coming-back-me-309462.html,

So now your having some problems with this one. Hmmmm, maybe you aren't as healed as you thought, and maybe you expect him to make you feel better. That's not possible as long as your so in a hurry for this to work, instead of letting it work.

You should be having fun now, as you get to know each other, if you can slow down enough to pay attention, and learn... while you have fun.

Sorry ,but if the honeymoon period is this bad for you, then something is very wrong, and you better recognize it.

Slowdown, and look at yourself a bit more honestly, as maybe your forcing something that just doesn't fit, or may not be ready to have fun, or worse yet, he is a rebound, that you need to mend your own hurt feelings from the past.

You're the only one with the real answers, not him or what he is doing, or not doing.

@Tal: you're right, I might forced it at first thinking I moved on already. But now the situation is different. I has completely moved on and ready for a relationship. I have put more effort now in this relationship but it seems he's withdrawing from me. I don't understand why he did this because he told me he loves me. If he loves me, why he doesn't show it?

Some people are just not meant to be.They may enjoy each others company and have satisfying sex but they are just on a different page.
They would be better off as friends or perhaps not even that.

Sometimes you just have to call it quits before you invest any more time and energy and emotion.

Basically,you can't save what you never had and I wonder what you did have.

A reg flag for me was this comment:


he said he might lose his feelings towards me

That is emotional blackmail.He is saying that if you don't play by his rules,he may lose his feelings for you.

That is childish game playing and blatant manipulation.

Stay with him and you will have more of the same.

If you are going from one relationship to another to try to fill some void in you,it will never work.

You must learn to be happy alone before you can ever be happy as a couple.

You have to be a together person who does not need a relationship to fulfill you as a person. Only then will you be able to have a healthy relationship based on mutual growth and adult love.

Perhaps it is your time to be alone with yourself and grow personally so that you do not continue to see a man as something vital to your happiness.

I think that he's playing a little game with you.

Initially you were the one that was busy and he was making the contact - the ball was in your court and you had the power. Now he is the one that is busy and you're making the contact - the ball is in his court and he has the power.

He's trying to make you feel how he felt and you're playing the game by reacting.

I don't think that this is love, it's a game of ping-pong.

because he told me he loves me. If he loves me, why he doesn't show it?
When words don't match actions, don't believe them.

I think you want this to work so badly, that your ignoring the obvious, his love does not match yours, He isn't as into this thing as you are.

When words don't match actions, don't believe them.

I think you want this to work so badly, that your ignoring the obvious, his love does not match yours, He isn't as into this thing as you are.

Yes, it's very true what you said. I should not believe words when they don't match the actions. It's so weird though. He was nice today, he showed how much he cares about me and wanting to be with me and all that. I just hope he won't take me to a roller - coaster ride with him.

Yes, it's very true what you said. I should not believe words when they don't match the actions. It's so weird though. He was nice today, he showed how much he cares about me and wanting to be with me and all that. I just hope he won't take me to a roller - coaster ride with him.

It's your choice whether to get on or not!

Your pushing to hard, and expecting too much. What a way to end a honeymoon. Now all you have is reality. Accept the guy for who he is, and don't make such a big deal of it. Its only been 6 months, relax, enjoy getting to know him, and if what you find is you can't handle what you know end it. Geeez your not married to him, just dating.

I understand what you said Tal. I do accept him for who he is. Correct me if I'm wrong, if a guy really loves you doesn't he want to contact you on a daily basis?? I am talking about bf/gf situation here. I texted him today but no reply at all. What am I suppose to think here? He's gone and I have to start doing NC?

I understand what you said Tal. I do accept him for who he is. Correct me if I'm wrong, if a guy really loves you doesn't he want to contact you on a daily basis??? I am talking about bf/gf situation here. I texted him today but no reply at all. What am I suppose to think here? He's gone and I have to start doing NC?

No guys that love you don't want to contact you on a daily basis - it's your expectation that's awry here.

Love has many ways of showing itself and many faces. If you accept him for what he is, why do you want him to be different?

No guys that love you don't want to contact you on a daily basis - it's your expectation that's awry here.

Love has many ways of showing itself and many faces. If you accept him for what he is, why do you want him to be different?

First of all, thanks for the input here Gemini, I really appreciate it. I am just trying to make sense of all you said. I don't quite get the part where you said if I accept him why I want him to be different. So are you saying that the way he shows he cares is not through contact?? I also have to accept the fact that he never reply to my text?

First of all, thanks for the input here Gemini, I really appreciate it. I am just trying to make sense of all you said. I don't quite get the part where you said if I accept him why I want him to be different. So are you saying that the way he shows he cares is not through contact??? I also have to accept the fact that he never reply to my text?

Er, sort of. You said that you accepted him for what he is, but you expect him to ring daily. He doesn't do this, so I was suggesting that you expect too much, so that if you do accept him as he is, then you need to accept that he doesn't reply to your texts.

What that means of his part of course, is another matter.

Ic, it's a tough thing to do to accept that fact =(
It's funny you know. When we texted back and forth and when I didn't reply his last text, he will be asking me why and all that (like he doesn't accept that fact). So u know, I am just wondering if he wants me to reply to his, why he doesn't reply to mine? Also, earlier in the rel. he contact me more often than now. So that's why I don't understand his behaviour now.

Too little, too late. Plain and simple.

You only begun to show that you care when he explicitly told you that he feels that he's abandonded. The way he's acting shouldn't surprise you.

He has feelings for you, but if you put in effort only if he instructs you to, then why should he bother? I am just speculating, but I believe he wants to call you, respond to your texts and all that because he cares about you, but he doesn't because he knows once he takes the initiative you'll back off and become your old self. It's these conflicting feelings that cause his on/off behavior.

It's not your fault, and it's not his. Despite what others think on here, he's not a jerk. But where you don't have time for a relationship, you clearly shouldn't be in one at the moment. Relationships are time sensitive, ever hear of "right person, wrong time"?


I do accept him for who he is. Correct me if I'm wrong, if a guy really loves you doesn't he want to contact you on a daily basis??? I am talking about bf/gf situation here. I texted him today but no reply at all. What am I suppose to think here?
If you accept him for who he is, then why are you comparing him to other situations?

Great insight you got there slapshot_oi. I never think he's a jerk. You are right, I should not compare him to other situations. He is what he is now and I just need to learn to accept that. Sometimes, I feel it's not fair for me that I have to swallow everything and he doesn't validate my feelings on the other hand. I just had a talk with him. I ask him why he never initiates now I just feel as if he doesn't miss me or care. He told me that I am being insecure. Wow, it does lower my self-esteem. I just feel like I want to shut down. I have feelings for him so I need that connection. It's like everything I do is wrong, if I don't tell him he might not realize it and if I tell him he just think I am being insecure. He also told me that it doesn't matter if I initiates first most of the time. Yeah, when I initiates no reply and he keeps on defending himself which hurts me even more. So, there's no point of telling him anyway then. Arghhh...

Have you realized yet that your feeling make you a lousy listener?? You are internalizing, his responses to you instead of listening to what he says. That's not communications, and not completely honest.

Due to the length of this thread and noting your frustration and continued replies, after receiving advice--I think it's best if you make an appointment to see a counserlor. This isn't healthy-and speaking with a professional will help.