I need to know if my boyfriend is controlling me or if I am just being paranoid. He is always threatening me with his life like he tells me that he is going on a drinking binge or even kill himself if I do something that he doesn't want me to do. I can't even do stuff with my family because he gets mad that I'm not with him during that time even though we are ALWAYS together. He also never takes me anywhere anymore so when I want to do something with my friends or family he gets very upset. He also lies about almost everything that doesn't even matter so I wonder if he also lies about stuff that has to do with our relationship. What should I do?

I have just answered this question on another thread so will write it here too...

Your partner is a control freak ! Take it from someone who knows the first signs - I sat for a while and thought about the warning signs here are a few... see if any ring true !

While not all abusive people show the same signs, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioural traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness. Generally, the more signs are present, the greater the likelihood of violence. In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behavioural traits that can be recognized, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things).

Often the abuser will initially try to explain his behaviour as signs of his love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviours become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim.

Jealousy
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him. As the jealousy progresses, he may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.

Controlling Behaviour
Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc. even if you told him you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.

Quick Involvement
Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him.

Unrealistic ExpectationsThe abuser may expect you to be the perfect lover, and friend. He is very dependent on you for all his needs, and may tell you he can fulfil all your needs as lover and friend. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him emotionally, practically, financially and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.

Isolation
The abuser may try to limit your social interaction. He may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'. He may accuse you of being 'tied to your mother's apron strings', not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He may want to live away from your family and friends without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.

Blame-shifting for Problems
Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him or preventing him from doing as they wished to.


Gender Roles
Abusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at home, obey him in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. A male abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

Verbal Abuse
In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', could not manage without him. He may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family.

Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde
Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood - one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but are typical of abusive personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

Negative Attitude toward Women
Some men may tell you that you are different to all the women they have known before, who display a lack of respect of women generally or who talk negatively and disrespectfully of their previous wives or girlfriends. They may tell you that you are special, not like the others and that they consider themselves to be the luckiest man alive to have found the last decent woman. It is not likely to be long before they remember that you are a woman and don't deserve their respect.

Threatening Violence
This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as "If you speak to him/her again, I'll kill you", or "If any girlfriend of mine acted like Matthew's did, I'd give her a right seeing to". Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying "everybody talks like that.", maintaining he is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to him, tell you you're "over-sensitive" for being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him. Threats can also be less overt, such as "If you leave me, I will kill myself", or "You are so wonderful, I will never let you go/couldn't live without you".


Any Force during an Argument
An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout 'right in your face'. Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that actual violence is a strong possibility

Get out of this relationship, and get out of it FAST. This guy has some major issues that you are probably not going to be able to help him with on your own. In fact, I think if you tried to get him help, he'd get horribly angry at you.

First chance you get, RUN. Don't contact him, don't tell him where you are going, nothing. Chances are this guy doesn't like "losing," and he'll stalk you.

But jeebz, if you love yourself at all, GET OUT NOW.

Put on your running shoes and run as fast as you can. You need to get away from this threat yesterday. Not today, not tomorrow, but yesterday.

These are all red flags that will eventually turn into domestic violence. If you value your life you will stay as far away from this person as possible.

What should I do?
Leave, and stop the control, and abuse. ASAP, as it does get worse.

I would normally agree that you need to GET OUT right away. But that would make me a hypocrite unfortunately.

So I will also tell you, that yes, this is a dangerous relationship, but it doesn't have to end here, if you can make him understand what he is doing and how he is making you feel, you can get into couples counseling and it can get better.

My husband was like this for the first few years of our relationship, until he realised the strain and unhappiness it was causing between us, and he got help and we worked through it together, and he only has a few lapse (getting jealous when I hang out with my family, but normally a reminder is all he needs)

If after talking to him gets you no where, then I agree, there is no hope and you need to get away from this guy.

Good luck hon.

I agree with the others guys saying they will kill themselves is manipulation and a form of control to make you feel co dependent on HAVING to stay with them. You should NEVER feel that you have to stay you should feel free that you WANT to stay.

This is called abuse.

End this relationship right now.

Unless you want the abuse?

I wish I had seen the signs long before I did... so get out before you are in it too long. It only gets harder and harder. I speak from experience.

I just want to cry reading this and thinking and wishing I'd seen signs... 7 years later and he is now facing domestic violence charges... never would I have thought in a million years...

You can try talking to him but if there is no response or real acknowlegment... get out quick!

My wife used to treat me this way, and let me tell you if he's going nuts with threats like that and if you let it go for too long, your friends and family will be watching it on the news. That guy needs help bad. He's got other issues besides just jealousy.

Leave, it's controlling and abusive as well. Run and don't look back

You're not being paranoid (but you know that). He's insecure, controlling and manipulative.

He probably has the emotional maturity of a 3 year old, so ask yourself, do you want to have a relationship with a scary, potentially violent child?

My advice: run for the hills and don't look back. Warning - be very careful how you disentangle yourself from this person. Do in in public and make sure other people always know where you are in the months afterwards. Do not put yourself at risk!

i would normally agree that you need to GET OUT right away. but that would make me a hypocrite unfortunately.

so i will also tell you, that yes, this is a dangerous relationship, but it doesnt have to end here, if you can make him understand what he is doing and how he is making you feel, you can get into couples councelling and it can get better.

my husband was like this for the first few years of our relationship, untill he realised the strain and unhappiness it was causing between us, and he got help and we worked thru it together, and he only has a few lapse (getting jealous when i hang out with my family, but normally a reminder is all he needs)

if after talking to him gets you no where, then i agree, there is no hope and you need to get away from this guy.

good luck hon.



Please let me note here, I am not suggesting this in the event of Physical abuse. If he is controlling but not physically/sexually abusing you, it is worth the chance to get him help. However if he has EVER treated you badly, ie: hit you, yelled at you, forced you to have sex with him, made you feel worse than dirt, and anything else that just makes you feel horrible, then I suggest you LEAVE>

LovesAnimals agrees: sorry... new to the comment posting. I meant my response put on Briancp34 for this statement. Point is just be careful... wish I could. Be strong and don't second guess yourself...

I'm confused :P

Wow... I'm just a mess aren't I? I posted my comment to briancp34 and meant to post it to jenniepepsi. I thought I corrected my posting but just made it more confusing for everyone... sorry.

I meant to comment on your last post jenniepepsi that this person needs to be on their game and aware of everything and try to determine what is sincere and what isn't. Emotional abuse is just as hurtful if not more hurtful than physical abuse.

I'm talking from experience because I'm still trapped in a very volitale situation and can't seem to pull out of it, because of the emotional abuse. They use mind games and make you feel sorry and like you aren't really trying and selfish and the list goes on and on. I see it but for some reason can't break out!

I'm just saying that this person should take a long hard look and really see things for what they are and get out before it's been 5... 6... 7 1/2 years and gets tougher do break away. Everyone deserves a chance but remember if there is emotional abuse he's not really playing on the same field.