My wife of 15 years had an affair with her boss, now her boss works, goes home and sits on his PC, so not great.

I have been under a heavy workload for a year and I suppose I ignored my wife for the best part of 11 months.

When she confessed , as I had the phone records she said she did not know why it happened however:

1. She had confided in colleagues that the marriage was in difficulty
2. Some of those colleagues told the boss
3. The boss and his wife have no relationship, only together for kids

The boss one day leaned over and kissed my wife and it started from there.

My wife said the boss could never leave his wife for the sake of his kids, even though we have 2 kids.

I suppose this meant my Wife thought she was never going to get caught.


Now she is caught she has said its her fault, but may not have happened if I was paying her attention.

Im paying attention now, but I still don't feel as if I'm getting anywhere.

Thoughts?

Please

So she's blaming you?

Don't you dare blame yourself. It takes two to make a marriage work, she's the one that stepped out of the marriage, not you.

Are you both willing to do couples counselling?

Is she still working for this man?

Don't let her blame you? Apparently she was talking to everyone else about her marriage except you the person whom she should have been communicating with.

The thing with cheaters they usually seek immediate forgiveness, which they think they should immediately be pardon from their behavior. It's hard to act normal and give into her request when you haven't really had time to think things over.
You need that time, what do you want to do? Are you willing to forgive and move on?

The reality is that she was looking at another relationship before repairing your marriage and now makes you feel guilty for not being the best husband when she was not being the best wife.
It seems like a double standard to me.

Anyway, my question to you would be what do you want to happen now that you know the truth? After all, you are the one who was cheated on. You need that time to figure out how you are going to deal with it, and then approach her with your plans.
If you simply can't get past this and want to work on your marriage then counseling would be my next suggestion.

When a marriage is in trouble, both people involved in the marriage should be doing whatever they can to work it out.

Instead, she goes off complaining about her marriage and then cheating on you. To me, that sounds like she's pretty much given up on the marriage.

I'm sorry to say, but it doesn't seem like she wants to put the effort to try to repair the marriage.

Furthermore, the trust is broken. How can you trust her again? Is she going to take the necessary steps to regain your trust? You don't bear all the burden of a marriage yourself. She has to take some responsibility. If she doesn't want to own up to her mistakes, then you shouldn't be giving her anymore chances.

From the perspective of someone who HAS cheated---you ARE partly to blame. Not all the way--but it's not COMPLETELY her fault either.

I'm betting she DID try to tell you how she was feeling. I'm betting she DID try to tell you that your marriage was in danger.

When you are neglected, and someone fills that hole, it's hard to turn away. All of a sudden, you feel special again, like someone terrific, not taken for granted.

So... should you forgive her? That's up to you. Should she expect immediate forgiveness and trust? Absolutely not.

Should you BOTH be going to a marriage counselor? Absolutely. I sincerely doubt your marriage will survive without one.

Yes I agree, I was not paying attention as I was working too hard, in some way I was a catalyst.

However I am willing to work it out and have forgiven her, as in some way I was cheating on everyone by concentrating on work, and not on life.

She has broken it off, and is 'waiting' to see if the spark still exists.

Life is too short not to forgive, and too short to hate.

Thanks all.

Sometimes when a wife isn't getting the on going attention she needs she starts looking at the relationship from a different perspective. Like she doesn't feel like the loving loved wife so she starts looking at things like from an outsiders view point.
Then when they go have an affair instead of working on the relationship even if the affair fizzles out so can the spark she had for her marriage. She can't just decide she needs to relight the fire if the spark is gone. Most women need that ongoing emotional and pyshical support.. I think the spark wore down too much before she even ended up in the affair.
The affair was a reaction to what she already was feeling/or not feeling.

If she feels there was something there that still may be there maybe time will get her realizing this but you can't make her feel something that very likely might not be there any more.

However I am willing to work it out and have forgiven her, as in some way I was cheating on everyone by concentrating on work, and not on life.

That's fine if she feels the same way. It takes two people to make a relationship work.


She has broken it off, and is 'waiting' to see if the spark still exists.

That already tells us that she wants to give up. If she doesn't want to put the effort, then why continue? One sided relationships don't work. "Waiting" to see if the spark still exists doesn't mean anything. If she wanted to make it work, she would work at it with you while you're still together and not separated.


Life is too short not to forgive, and too short to hate.

Not many people will disagree with that. But I repeat, it takes two people to make a relationship work. Both of you have to be willing and committed to making the marriage work. If she doesn't feel the same way, you can't force her to change how she feels. It has to happen naturally.

Would you be better off divorced, ask yourself that. Otherwise go away together and talk it out, solve the conflict, My wife and I had a rough time too and it took over ayear to resolve the issues. You might be able to solve it sooner, never let it get to that point again. If you slip back to not spending time with her you might as well end it now. Zircon, Good luck,

Well we had a big talk, even though she has broke it off we are still very good friends. She said that the physical side of the relationship felt uncomfortable and you know it does, its like two friends making out.

With this is mind she has said that she wants to leave, not immediately , but soon as we can't go on living what's left of our lives as 'friends'.

Now I know she broke it off with the other man, however I now feel bad as perhaps that was her happiness and I killed it, however in saying that I should have been told about it rather than finding out about it.

I told her I was willing to contact the other man and tell him that me and my wife were just friends, however she said that I should not do that as she does not know what's going on in the other mans head, and he may be hurt by it coming from me, in an almost 'you have her then'. Type of way...

Anyway its broken, the physical side will never be there, I suppose when she said that he made her feel like a woman I should have got the hint, especially after 15 years of marriage and 2 kids.

But I'm not bitter or angry, I feel hollow as of course I have feelings for her, but as forum members have pointed out there has to be feelings in both sides of the relationship for things to work out.

Such is life...

Your wife is right do not get involved with talking to this other guy.

I really don't know what to tell you at this point because basically the ball is in her court and you can't make her do anything but since you are still living together maybe 'the friends' thing will buy time for her to remind her what it is that made her fall in love with you.

My wife has now left to set up 'Home' with this man, he has left his wife and I am in bits.

I am putting on a brave face for the sake of our children, and to be honest she does seem happier with him and him with her, if they are both willing to do this to their partners and step over the shells of broken marriages then perhaps its better.

My wife now suddenly sees me as the person she met, and is angry for what COULD have been, there is nothing I can say apart from the fact that I worked for her and our kids and I feel so so Dissapointed.

Its really hard , I'm coping just, but with two kids and their mum away (Until she gets her flat up and runing) I am a mess.

I will never ever put work before a relationship again, ever.

Im now spending time trying to find hobbies and to get out, I think I need to do that, I have been a house hermit for years working, doing the housework and burning out at 2am.

Im a lot fitter now, and feel halthier, just want to know when the emptyness will subside.

It will subside slowly.

It's like a flood--you can see the peak of it, and feel overwhelmed, but actually noticing the waters pull back is a gradual thing.

It won't be next week, or next month---but you'll find yourself laughing at a joke, or being happy about a sunny day, and you'll be a little startled at first. Those moments will start coming closer together, until you realize one day that you've filled that emptiness, slowly, with other things in your life.

It seems like all has been said, and it is over.

What I don't understand is how quickly this all happened. And how quickly she went from not talking to him, to dumping you and moving in with him.

What ever happened to working things out before it got so out of hand.

I don't believe that had she made herself clear, and wanted to be heard, that you would not have heard her.

If she was so unhappy, she did a very poor job of letting that be known.

If you didin't have a clue, and you married her, and have known her well for the past dozen years, why couldn't she even leave a note on the fridge- we NEED to talk. Are we to believe that you would have missed that too? I highly doubt it.

If her concerns were so great and she was so distressed with her marriage, surely you would have seen that. But, she was happy, she had a new man.

I think we are a little too complacent to suggest that had you worked less, and paid attention more and perhaps invested in a crystal ball, that somehow, she would not have turned into a cheater?

It really is sad that she is seen as some sort of victim here, of your neglect, which you seem to agree with. I don't think that's it at all.

Before she slept with him, and even before that when she was thinking of sleeping with him, she should have talked to you. She could have suggested couples counselling, booked a vacation, taken you to a nice hotel for the weekend. Any number of things could have been done to 'get your attention', even if you weren't, as I said, up on your crystal ball readings.

I think that had she acted responsibly, and shown you enough respect by putting you first, instead of herself, and given you the opportunity to work out the problems, you would probably still be married.

You are to blame for this? Absolutely not.

Jake--

Interesting thing here: I cheated on my husband before we were married.

I tried EVERYTHING to get his attention. Meeting him at the door in lingerie (he was too tired or too stressed), having nice dinners ready for him when he got home (I never even got a thank you most of the time), keeping the house clean (he didn't even notice), doing all the grocery shopping, bill paying, and responsibilities around the house (again, no thank you, no nothing).

I asked him to talk. I left notes about needing to talk, that I felt taken for granted. I emailed him, phoned him, asked for counseling. HE didn't see a problem.

Until I left--and told him that I'd cheated on him (no, I didn't leave to go to my lover--I was shocked I cheated myself, and went to my parents). THAT got his attention.

We recently talked about it again, and he STILL confesses that he had NO idea that I was soooooo unhappy---and I STILL feel like I did everything I could to tell him how unhappy I was and how much I needed him.

Until you have been there, you have NO idea how being taken for granted and screaming for communication can get ignored, or swept under the rug as not that important, or how when you DO talk, vague promises to change, to get better, to not work as much, whatever, are all you get.

YES, he is AS MUCH to blame as she is. If he had been paying enough attention, he'd have noticed changes in the woman he'd known well for the last dozen years, and TALKED to her about it. He would have opened lines of communication himself. However---he didn't even NOTICE how unhappy she was.

Does that mean that she's a victim? Nope---NO ONE is a victim of their own actions. But it means that the OP isn't a victim either, since he is now dealing with the consequences of his own actions.

There are no victims here.

I absolutely agree with you, to a point.

There are men, and women, who just do not see the signs, and/or don't care enough to deal with their marital or relationship problems.

That is still no excuse to have an affair. It is a choice. I'm not judging you, or anybody, far from it. All I'm saying is that if the relationship is over, it's over. Why does it have to be over after the affair. Why not take care of business, make decisions, deal with just the marriage, before you hook up with another man. (not meaning you in particular here, but just a general thought).

If the OP's wife had finally said we're done, and I want a divorce- fine. It's over. But, to say it's over after another man is in the picture and marriage vows are broken, and fidelity was the catalyst, that seems wrong to me to blame the husband.

He is at fault all the way alty, right up to the moment she cheated. After she did that, nothing can justify blaming her husband.

I'm not justifying cheating.

I don't think it's a good choice.

But... I didn't leave my boyfriend (now husband) after it happened to jump into another relationship. I think that MOST people would prefer to stay with their partner and not have fallen into cheating---it's not like it's planned the first time it happens, you know.

Also... where do you DEFINE the cheating? Is it okay to cheat emotionally, then, since you haven't crossed that line in the sand? What about if it was just a kiss? What if it was a whole bunch of sexual stuff, but you never actually screwed? Is THAT cheating?

I maintain that the failure of ALL relationships is because of two people not communicating. The cheater is NOT a victim of the indifference of their original partner---but that original partner isn't a victim if they haven't been giving 100% to the relationship, either.

Cheating is not a solution to a bad marriage, for what ever reason. Its an escape, and an excuse, based on need, or the perception of a need.

I think your wife, and her boss were already making plans unknown to you all, and was deceptive in her actions.

When a partner is deceptive, dishonest, and disloyal, there were probably no warning signs to pay attention to. Nothing you could do, but deal with the fallout. Under those circumstances, you bear no fault. Sorry you have learned an emotionally expensive lesson.


Just want to know when the emptiness will subside.

When you have mourned the death of this relationship, and are ready to move beyond it, then you will make the adjustments that it takes to be happy with yourself, and the life you build for yourself. There will be nagging thoughts, and doubts along the way, and it may be quite a while before you feel whole again, but it will happen. Be a good DAD, and be good to yourself, That's what you do, and the chips will gradually fall into place.


Have you started legal actions? You should. As much as it hurts now, handle your business, and get what you deserve, as that's exactly what she is doing.
Good Luck.

Hello All, well she was round tonight and upset, I told her that I let her go as I thought she no longer loved me and she went, I explained how that killed me and took everything from me. Her reply albeit tearful was that she would have stayed and that she thought she was not worthy of me, that I made her do it (Leave).

I gave her a hug and am trully sorry, however if she loved me I am sure she would have stayed and tld me that she was not going, that it was a mistake.

My neighbour is of the opinion that she may be emotionally unstable, and that if she came back the children may suffer. Also that its not my problem if she is unstable, she has brought that on herself.

Another night in tears for me, I wish I could travel back in time, and she wishes she could come back, but can't come back to this house. I can't sell it, and the kids have friends and school.

Im still being nice to her, however I have no idea how a new partner would view my approach to my ex wife..

Just when I was ready to move on, I now miss her again. But not as much as I used to...

Ill update as the weeks progress, I'm so tired...

Am a bit better, out joining clubs getting out there, is it wrong to still worry about your ex wife and her mental state?

Everyone she knew (And they are not her friends anymore) says that she must be Bi-Polar, or went through some change, as they don't know the person she is now.

I however feel much better.

Of course you're still going ot worry about her! You were with her for a long time!

Just don't let your worry for her derail how YOU are doing.

This whole thing is just so ed up, now I feel sorry for her as if I was the person in the wrong. She is in bits, and would love to come back, but cant, she says she can't as there are too many bad things she has done.

Thing is I'm not sad, I feel tall... and I love my life... I suppose this is a phase?

No one can tell anyone how they are "supposed" to act in a given situation.

If you're in a good place, and you're not doing/saying things that hurt yourself or others---well, then that's the most anyone can expect from another person.

Don't look for "normal". Look for what works for you.

I feel for you brother! By not chasing and allowing her to leave, she realized that the grass is not greener on the other side. You're a strong person, and if you decide in your heart that you can forgive her allow her back into your life, that is OK, too. It sounds like you're taking care of #1 (yourself), and everything else will fall into place.

Please keep this thread going... I'm going through a marriage crisis myself, and this is most helpful for me. I wish I were as strong as you...

I feel for you brother! by not chasing and allowing her to leave, she realized that the grass is not greener on the other side. you're a strong person, and if you decide in your heart that you can forgive her allow her back into your life, that is OK, too. It sounds like you're taking care of #1 (yourself), and everything else will fall into place.

Please keep this thread going... I'm going through a marriage crisis myself, and this is most helpful for me. I wish I were as strong as you...

Why not start your own thread about your situation, you'll get a lot of advice, a shoulder to lean on, helpful tips.

The grass is browner on the other side, on the other side she is no longer number one, she is after his kid, and his parents take his ex wife to heart as she has the grand children.

I seen it coming, and let her go, she left her kids, he left his, then they will slowly die, you can't just live without your family. Its like the flower separated from the stem, it tries, it wilts it dies... Viva la Vida... Live the Life

Well interesting she is round more now to spend time with the kids, and says that she has 'me' but the 'older' me she lost 10 years ago, that she loves me for who I am abut loves him in an uninhibited way.

No idea what that means, and no longer care, just know that I am over it and when I do meet someone, I think that's when she will know loss, strange really life...

YouTube - The Stone Roses - This Is The One (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aqY-8cMVdg)

Life is for living...

Yeah Rain... I hear you loud and clear. Married my High School Sweetheart. She kept messing around and doing stupid things (no kids with her) after a while... I just didn't care anymore what happened to her... there was no future... I married her and things still didn't work out... where else to you go from that point?? How do you escalate things when you've already reached what is supposedly the "top" of the relationship peak?

When I detached from my Ex... I was DONE and she apparently was not... The look of shock on her face, after five years of on again off again, she just expected that we would continue with that cycle... she like the "make-up" sex... She moves out to an apt, then starts banging some dude... I could care less and I did not react like I always did... no "make up" sessions...

This confused her to no end... then she comes back to me after 8 months or so and claims that I NEED to help her... Cause she is pregnant... with some other dudes baby no less...

I showed no expression... it was her issue at that point and I was not going to "rescue" her.

This is EXACTLY what your Wife is doing to you... she wants you to "rescue" her and you are not reacting.

I can't tell you your next move... 15 years and two kids, you'll never be rid of her.

back to me... other than "Four" encounters with my Ex after she moved... I've never had to see her again. But we had no kids... and we were just kids ourselves.

I do feel good about myself for never going back to "that' again....It did take a few months....I will tell you what helped me the most during that stage....I re-arranged our house and made it "mine". I had no money to do anything drastic but just little things like re-potting plants really gave me ownership and gave me something to ground myself with....a foothold if you will.

Your resentment will only grow if you do not get distance from her and give your self time to heal....maybe then you can start to date again and see where you land.

I do like one thing you said.....You said that "You have mourned that relationship" That was strong as hell and resonated with me very strongly

Well... At home and get called by the Ex, who wants me to tals about some program that's on TV, and which actors are hot...

Now I said that she was being a bit 'silly' however she persisted and it ended with her crying her eyes out.

Something tells me that there is some sort of underlying issue/problem that perhaps needs examined.

I have the kids, and think that perhaps a part of her can't take her new life anymore.

Or she is looking for a comfort zone.

Well... At home and get called by the Ex, who wants me to tals about some program thats on TV, and which actors are hot....

Now I said that she was being a bit 'silly' however she persisted and it ended with her crying her eyes out.

Something tells me that there is some sort of underlying issue/problem that perhaps needs examined.

I have the kids, and think that perhaps a part of her can't take her new life anymore.
You have to make a choice at this point.

1) The feelings of "relief" after she had gone... have they subsided or did you get a knot in your stomach as she was crying her eyes out? Have you made progress since she has been gone? If your answer is yes, then you should really really reconsider entertaining this woman one more minute.

Everything that you had to endure will all be for naught. All the progress you have made in becoming a healthy man will crumble once you allow her back in... you'll be going backwards and without massive... well I am not sure how she could make it up to you at this point... what would be good enough to atone for what has transpired?

2) You could take her back and try yet again to be a family. Maybe she got it out of her system. Maybe she values you again as a man and life on the streets of dating is not as glamorous as she anticipated.

You'd have to be one tough tough man to be able to take the high road here. I'd admire you if you did that is for sure. The kids may learn something and I am sure that they would like to be a whole fam once again as well.

If you take her back, remember you chose to do so. No whining afterward about this episode... so my advice would be this...

If in fact she would like to reconcile with you, Don't allow her to just drive over and unload her car full of possessions and resume her place in the house.

You are hurt and damaged. You need to be sure that this is not going to occur 3-4 months later when she has had time to recoup from the debacle she just created. You need to hear from her all the things one needs in order to believe that she is sincere... if you don't you still be resentful and angry about this whole episode.

You two should go out to eat for dinner for a few weeks and see if it is true what she says or is she interested in coming back in from the muddy cold that she created.

There is a huge difference there...

She may be very SINCERE about returning to the role of Mother and Housewife... but that is un-interesting to you at this point... What should interest you is whether she is interested in returning to being your wife...

That is the only position you have an opening for at the moment... the house is getting cleaned and the Kids are being fed...

So, no, you do not need a person to fill the role of "Mother" nor do you need a "Housekeeper"...

Any sign that she is not willing to start filling the role of "Wife"... turn your back. You've come too far and done too much to just throw it all away over her whims...

Nope she can't come back, I have noticed a new world of opportunity out there, new friends and indeed a new attitude to life itself. When I see her now all I see is the person who decided to destroy a family unit for her own benefit/happiness, and if after 19 years that's what she wanted, then that's what she has.

I have no idea as to whether a 'person' is worth all of this, my take on it all is as follows:

If I was having an affair and was found out I would apologise and stop it, explain why it happened and ask for forgiveness help. I would not go listing blame, I would not LEAVE my family.

From the OP's POV I had not been found out, therefore I would never leave my wife and child and quickly try and put an end to it.

I wold not do the 'Running Away' bit as that is simply madness.

So no she cantcome back as I think from what I have seen there is an element of mental breakdown here that I frankly don't need for me or my children.

This is thye end of this thread, its been good speaking to all of you, I have moved on... Just had to get my head in the right place, and move fast...

Rain...

:)

Some people come into our lives for a reason
And some leave footprints on your heart and sometimes soul...

Thanks everyone!!