0mega
Jul 8, 2009, 12:23 AM
Hi, I find myself in a bit of a tough situation, that I'm hoping some of you might be able to give me advice on.
A little back story here:
I met my now ex girlfriend 6 years ago at a college we were attending. We immediately were attracted to each other, but neither one of us knew how to go about it. I had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship, and I was not confident enough at the time to believe that she would hold any interest.
We drifted apart a few months later, but stayed in intermittent contact through myspace. We were both supportive of each other in things in our lives, but we never spoke often enough to go anywhere. We both had serious relationships during the next six years, one of mine including an engagement and the birth of a daughter. But I never stopped thinking about her, I just couldn't seem to make any headway. When I was single, she wasn't, and vice versa.
At the end of February, I finally made the decision to move out of my ex's apartment after things had finally completely fallen apart. I had been talking to my now recent ex in the last week of my turmoil, and when I moved back in with my parents (I'm 25, she's 23) we agreed to meet. One week later, we were inseparable.
Admittedly, we rushed into things. Our feelings were strong, and were bolstered by years of looking back at what we'd seen in each other at first and our glimpses of who the other had become over the years. When living with her father became an impossibility after 2 months of being together, my family (who loves her, and hated all my other exes) opened their doors to her. She moved in, and things just kept getting better and better.
That is, until the stresses of her own questions of where her life was going (not including the relationship, but more individual concerns) began to wear on her. Her job was demanding and unrewarding, and she relied on me completely for transportation. We essentially spent every moment she wasn't working (I was unemployed and looking at the time) together. She became a bit withdrawn and argumentative, and desiring of space which she described at the time as just time alone to herself every so often.
I didn't see anything wrong with that, but I could see that it was straining our relationship. By this point, I was head over heels in love with her, and I hadn't felt anything that strong or deep in my life. I had not connected on such a level with anyone, not even my ex-fiance and mother of my child. She always iterated that she felt that same way, in fact most of those conversations were ones that she started herself. I had always been too concerned over how fast things were going in my own heart that if I shared them myself I would scare her away. It was reassuring that she felt the same.
Things just got worse and worse... arguments became heated at times... and I did the worst thing I could possibly have done. I changed. I became a needy, indecisive, and clingy wuss. All in the effort to be there for her and comfort her. And all of my efforts and being hurt by her response pushed her further, and further away.
Until the day came that she moved in with her mom 100 miles away. She said that she needed some space to clear her head, and that we'd still be together. That she'd always wanted to work at the shore at her mom's place, and that it would be good for her to spend the summer there. I didn't like it, but I didn't speak out against it too hard. I was, at the time, trying to be understanding incarnate...
One month later, contact has lessened and lessened... excuses were being made every time I tried to inquire as to when I could see her... and then massive manipulating problems happened between my ex-fiance and I. A situation that will most likely end in the stripping of my rights to see my daughter because I will not drag my daughter through the pain her mother seems content to apply, and I can't afford the damage to my life that is being threatened. Even though all of this was going on, I couldn't get my then girlfriend to agree to have me visit and decompress. Talking to her was difficult.
And then I made an extremely needy, and stupid mistake, but I was completely emotionally destroyed at this point with all the questions over the relationship and the near certainty of losing contact with my 3 year old daughter. I talked to her best friend while driving her back from my then girlfriend's place. She instigated the conversation, and I was too weak to not accept the comfort she seemed to be offering me in the name of bettering my relationship. She turned right around and told my ex everything.
A few days later, the day after a horrible showdown between my ex-fiance and I concerning my future with my daughter, my ex girlfriend broke up with me. Saying that she'd started falling out of love awhile ago, and gave some space to see if it was just a phase. But that it had just gotten worse and worse, and now she couldn't do it anymore. She said that she needed to be alone and not in a relationship to figure out her life, and that she felt that I needed the same. She said she loved me as a friend now, and that she wanted us to still be a part of each others life. Nothing I could say about how she never let me in on the fact that she was feeling that way, or including me in the process, and that we should at least BOTH try now got through to her. She was adamant that that was how it needed to be.
So I've spent the last few days (it hasn't been a week yet) trying to get my life in order. I've made huge strides, including figuring out what was wrong with me in the first place. I discovered that I couldn't really blame her for falling out of love, I'd changed from the confident, fun loving, taking charge, energetic person she'd fallen in love with in this wimpy, needy, clingy shell. And I discovered that I do, and have done this in every relationship due to the way that I was raised. I grew up in an abusive household with no friends until my later High school years. I grew up needing to act wimpy, submissive, and almost needy in order to deflect conflict so that I wouldn't suffer too much abuse. I apparently carried that conditioning over into every important relationship in my life. And it has pushed many... many close people away.
My ex and I have talked sporadically. Sometimes she initiates it, other times I do. We joke, we laugh, we catch up a bit. All the while I know she's meeting new people. And her song choices in her profile suggest either a desire for reconciliation at some point, or desire for another.
I had been content to keep the contact extremely light, and allow the changes I was making in myself to do the talking for me. And see if she made the first moves herself. Her things are still here in my room, as there wasn't enough room at her mom's yet for all of it. So we have to see each other at some point. However, that was before I made that critical discovery about myself. That what I was doing was making HER situation worse, and shoving her away as fast as I could. I now know how to keep that from happening... and I've been more confident, energetic... almost completely back to who I know I am...
... except for the aspect that still desires her. And has wanted her since we met 6 years ago.
I now no longer know when or if I should tell her about what I'd discovered. I'm afraid that if I wait too long, because of how pertinent and critical this was, that the apology will mean nothing later on. That too much time will have passed. I know I was in the wrong the most here... terribly so. And I want her back almost as much as I want to keep my daughter, and keep my life going on the right track. They are all almost equal in importance to me.
So, what do I do? We haven't spoken in a day, which is rare actually because she usually makes contact if I don't, and I really want to get the ball moving on getting things back on track. I prepared a letter (even shared it with an ex I had done the same thing to but didn't realize many, many years ago, and she approves and suggests I send it at the right time). But I don't know what the right time is at this point.
I made huge mistakes, does that mean I send the letter now? It's not begging, just explaining, and apologizing, and taking a chance at at least getting together to see if that spark can return.
Or do I wait awhile before I do it? I'm confident in myself again, but I also know when to ask for help so I don't mess up something that at one point was amazing. And I really feel that it could be again if we could get past this.
Any advice would be appreciated... thank you in advance!
A little back story here:
I met my now ex girlfriend 6 years ago at a college we were attending. We immediately were attracted to each other, but neither one of us knew how to go about it. I had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship, and I was not confident enough at the time to believe that she would hold any interest.
We drifted apart a few months later, but stayed in intermittent contact through myspace. We were both supportive of each other in things in our lives, but we never spoke often enough to go anywhere. We both had serious relationships during the next six years, one of mine including an engagement and the birth of a daughter. But I never stopped thinking about her, I just couldn't seem to make any headway. When I was single, she wasn't, and vice versa.
At the end of February, I finally made the decision to move out of my ex's apartment after things had finally completely fallen apart. I had been talking to my now recent ex in the last week of my turmoil, and when I moved back in with my parents (I'm 25, she's 23) we agreed to meet. One week later, we were inseparable.
Admittedly, we rushed into things. Our feelings were strong, and were bolstered by years of looking back at what we'd seen in each other at first and our glimpses of who the other had become over the years. When living with her father became an impossibility after 2 months of being together, my family (who loves her, and hated all my other exes) opened their doors to her. She moved in, and things just kept getting better and better.
That is, until the stresses of her own questions of where her life was going (not including the relationship, but more individual concerns) began to wear on her. Her job was demanding and unrewarding, and she relied on me completely for transportation. We essentially spent every moment she wasn't working (I was unemployed and looking at the time) together. She became a bit withdrawn and argumentative, and desiring of space which she described at the time as just time alone to herself every so often.
I didn't see anything wrong with that, but I could see that it was straining our relationship. By this point, I was head over heels in love with her, and I hadn't felt anything that strong or deep in my life. I had not connected on such a level with anyone, not even my ex-fiance and mother of my child. She always iterated that she felt that same way, in fact most of those conversations were ones that she started herself. I had always been too concerned over how fast things were going in my own heart that if I shared them myself I would scare her away. It was reassuring that she felt the same.
Things just got worse and worse... arguments became heated at times... and I did the worst thing I could possibly have done. I changed. I became a needy, indecisive, and clingy wuss. All in the effort to be there for her and comfort her. And all of my efforts and being hurt by her response pushed her further, and further away.
Until the day came that she moved in with her mom 100 miles away. She said that she needed some space to clear her head, and that we'd still be together. That she'd always wanted to work at the shore at her mom's place, and that it would be good for her to spend the summer there. I didn't like it, but I didn't speak out against it too hard. I was, at the time, trying to be understanding incarnate...
One month later, contact has lessened and lessened... excuses were being made every time I tried to inquire as to when I could see her... and then massive manipulating problems happened between my ex-fiance and I. A situation that will most likely end in the stripping of my rights to see my daughter because I will not drag my daughter through the pain her mother seems content to apply, and I can't afford the damage to my life that is being threatened. Even though all of this was going on, I couldn't get my then girlfriend to agree to have me visit and decompress. Talking to her was difficult.
And then I made an extremely needy, and stupid mistake, but I was completely emotionally destroyed at this point with all the questions over the relationship and the near certainty of losing contact with my 3 year old daughter. I talked to her best friend while driving her back from my then girlfriend's place. She instigated the conversation, and I was too weak to not accept the comfort she seemed to be offering me in the name of bettering my relationship. She turned right around and told my ex everything.
A few days later, the day after a horrible showdown between my ex-fiance and I concerning my future with my daughter, my ex girlfriend broke up with me. Saying that she'd started falling out of love awhile ago, and gave some space to see if it was just a phase. But that it had just gotten worse and worse, and now she couldn't do it anymore. She said that she needed to be alone and not in a relationship to figure out her life, and that she felt that I needed the same. She said she loved me as a friend now, and that she wanted us to still be a part of each others life. Nothing I could say about how she never let me in on the fact that she was feeling that way, or including me in the process, and that we should at least BOTH try now got through to her. She was adamant that that was how it needed to be.
So I've spent the last few days (it hasn't been a week yet) trying to get my life in order. I've made huge strides, including figuring out what was wrong with me in the first place. I discovered that I couldn't really blame her for falling out of love, I'd changed from the confident, fun loving, taking charge, energetic person she'd fallen in love with in this wimpy, needy, clingy shell. And I discovered that I do, and have done this in every relationship due to the way that I was raised. I grew up in an abusive household with no friends until my later High school years. I grew up needing to act wimpy, submissive, and almost needy in order to deflect conflict so that I wouldn't suffer too much abuse. I apparently carried that conditioning over into every important relationship in my life. And it has pushed many... many close people away.
My ex and I have talked sporadically. Sometimes she initiates it, other times I do. We joke, we laugh, we catch up a bit. All the while I know she's meeting new people. And her song choices in her profile suggest either a desire for reconciliation at some point, or desire for another.
I had been content to keep the contact extremely light, and allow the changes I was making in myself to do the talking for me. And see if she made the first moves herself. Her things are still here in my room, as there wasn't enough room at her mom's yet for all of it. So we have to see each other at some point. However, that was before I made that critical discovery about myself. That what I was doing was making HER situation worse, and shoving her away as fast as I could. I now know how to keep that from happening... and I've been more confident, energetic... almost completely back to who I know I am...
... except for the aspect that still desires her. And has wanted her since we met 6 years ago.
I now no longer know when or if I should tell her about what I'd discovered. I'm afraid that if I wait too long, because of how pertinent and critical this was, that the apology will mean nothing later on. That too much time will have passed. I know I was in the wrong the most here... terribly so. And I want her back almost as much as I want to keep my daughter, and keep my life going on the right track. They are all almost equal in importance to me.
So, what do I do? We haven't spoken in a day, which is rare actually because she usually makes contact if I don't, and I really want to get the ball moving on getting things back on track. I prepared a letter (even shared it with an ex I had done the same thing to but didn't realize many, many years ago, and she approves and suggests I send it at the right time). But I don't know what the right time is at this point.
I made huge mistakes, does that mean I send the letter now? It's not begging, just explaining, and apologizing, and taking a chance at at least getting together to see if that spark can return.
Or do I wait awhile before I do it? I'm confident in myself again, but I also know when to ask for help so I don't mess up something that at one point was amazing. And I really feel that it could be again if we could get past this.
Any advice would be appreciated... thank you in advance!