I like to give as much detail as possible and keep it unbiased, but I apologize if it seems I omit something or am putting my spin on it, I am not trying to do so.

First off, a bit of background. We are both 24, I live at home with my mom (rent free), she lives with her grandparents (to take care of them). I recently got fired from my job, she works at a school. Ever since our first year together, she has wanted to get engaged, and eventually have children. I did not originally like the idea of kids or necessarily marriage at all. But, recently, I have decided I truly want all that with this girl, I wanted to spend my entire life with her before, I just wasn't sure about kids. We are both about to graduate this Spring and have been going together since August 2004. We are both insecure, and depressed (but she is and has been much more depressed than I am). Our sex life has never been "that" great because she has always been uncomfortable with her body (weight problem). I did enjoy sex with her, but it never seemed like she did enjoy it or was never really into it, and that really bothered me. I felt it was sacred because I loved her, she loved me and we were sharing something, but when I saw that she seemingly was not enjoying it, it hurt me. I would want to talk to her about it, but she never really liked talking about it, so I had to "deal" with it, so to speak. For the first few years, I did all the little things; flowers, opened door, compliments, surprises, write poetry etc. She never really did anything like that and never really has, but I never expected it. After a while, I began to feel not only unappreciated from the stuff that I do for her, but she is fairly "high maintenance", therefore, the world seemed to revolve around her most of the time. As such, she would get upset over little things, like the way I said something, or why I didn't do something, or why I did do something. I would spend the time to explain that everything is OK, she does not need to get upset, but I would still get hung up on, yelled at, cursed at, combination of them, etc. Because of this not really stopping, I eventually stopped putting in the effort of being romantic and doing the little things... which led me acting like I didn't care. To be honest, I loved and love this girl more than life itself, but my inactions were rooted by the fact that I just didn't know what to do anymore. So, this continued for about the past 2 years. We used to see each other all the time, but after she moved back from Sacramento (she moved there in 2007 for school, came back in 2008), we did not see each other much. Fights still continued, we went on trips to Disneyland (and had lots of fun), we would talk about feelings and wanting things to be better, but it always felt like I was the one who needed to change. Coupled with me not putting in the effort anymore, there were some other things I could have done differently to "show" I care as opposed to just saying it (and hearing her tell me that actions speak louder than words). She has also recently been seeing a shrink and during our conversation of "taking a break", she told me that the shrink told her it might be best for us to have time apart. Then...


2 and a half weeks ago, my g/f of almost 5 years said that we need to take a break because she needs time to herself, she needs to concentrate on working on herself before she can work on us. We had talked a week before that about our relationship and finally agreed that we can just not fight about the little things and to work on our relationship and see how it works out. When she walked out of my room, my mom asked if everything was OK and she said yeah, its not like we are going to break up or anything. Throughout this week, we tried 3 times to go and see a movie together, but she got caught doing something for her grandma, and she even stopped by and surprised me one day "just cause". She told me that I haven't lost her and that she will always love me. She lives with her grandparents and takes care of them; getting up/putting to bed, drives to the hospital, health issues, making sure they take their pills, etc. Therefore, much like a single parent because she is the only one who does it. So, with that, she also said that she needs time to herself because she is always doing stuff for other people and never has time for herself. She said she does not want to worry about another person right now and wants to focus on herself, and her degree, for example. She continually told me that she does not know what the future brings, but thinks this is the best for both of us, but that she still loves me and always will. She repeated this "doesn't know what the future will bring", and I told her to stop and tell me what she feels in her heart... she told me that she knows I would have a good husband and that I would take care of her. She said there is nothing I can do to change her mind because she needs this right now... she also gave me an example of a friend she works with... the friend was with a guy for 2 years, and they had lots of problems... they broke up for a year, and are now back together and have been for 2 years... and the friend told my g/f that the break-up was the best thing that ever happened to them.

As I said above, it has been 2 and a half weeks, I have not called or talked to her since, but on 4th of July, I sent her a text trying to be romantic and tell her that the sparks of the fireworks reminded me of her eyes... and of disneyland (cause we love that place). I got no response... I also finally tried calling her the next morning, and she did not pick up or call back. I got some flowers and dropped them off at her grandparents with a note saying "I miss you and I love you"... that was yesterday and still have not heard (and probably won't at this point) anything.

Now, I know a lot of people might tear me to shreds and say our relationship was terrible, and it was not the greatest... and I have been doing a lot of thinking, about being alone, sense of rejection, but I have concluded I really do love this girl with all my soul and would do anything for her. It does suck because the idea of taking her for granted and not realizing what you have until it's gone is very true here. Although I feel I made millions of mistakes and wish to take them back, I stopped putting the effort in because I felt I was not able to satisfy her and make her happy in lieu of her getting upset with little stuff all the time. I was simply confused... and was tired of explaining everything. This does not excuse my actions, but I did a lot for this girl... along with the little things, she had expensive taste; I bought her jewelry, bags, a dog, paid for some of her school tuition (when she was in Sacramento), paid for part of her sorority (when she was in one)... I did a lot, and this encompasses everything I mentioned above. I absolutely adored and adore this girl. I know money does not buy happiness either, but I feel like I deserve more credit than I am given. I know that if she just didn't get upset like she did, we would have been so much better off...

But, what do I do? I know I gave a lot of details, but I need opinions! If I remember anything I omitted, I will add later... but, I want this girl so bad it burns... I don't want to have to let her go

Oh, one other thing is that one of her dogs lives with me... and she still has not tried to get it back... my friend said it is cause she wants a reason to see me again and "want me back"... thoughts?

I know EXACTLY what you're going through man, and it pains me to hear it again because I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I went through and still am. Don't worry man, it will get easier and it will make more sense than it does now.

I was in a 9 year relationship before my ex took her stuff out of our apartment when I was at work, a sh!tty goodbye and a ton of heartache to leave me with. It's been over two months and it has gotten easier. Time will give you things you can only learn if you're apart like this, this is a good thing. You will look at things differently in time, believe me.

I still hurt, a lot actually... but bring it on, bring on the F'ing pain because it will teach me many things that you can only learn when you're left behind. I'm not saying to embrace the hurt, but in time, you will and you will feel different from now.

Stay NC buddy, do not give her your life, she is not deserving. There is light, keep moving. Just because you can't see it yet, doesn't mean it's not there.

Respect her needs right now. Let her be and do your own thing right now.

She may or may not ever sort herself out, with all of the stuff going on. It's best to concentrate on yourself right now, assume the worst is true and work on moving forward with your life.

We have all been there. I know how you feel. You feel like the more you try to win her back, the better it will be, and she will come back.

In reality, the more you chase, the more you push her away. She made her own decision to break-up with you. There is nothing you can do to change decisions like this.

Respect her request and get busy with re-building your life.

I appreciate your guy's input. Unfortunately, we talked again after these 3 weeks, and she broke it off for good, saying it is best for us to "move on" at this point in time. I tried sending her a text on the 4th to be somewhat romantic, then I took her flowers and left them at her house to surprise her. She sent me a text and said thanks for the flowers. We then eventually got on the phone and she told me that she we are completely done because she wants to focus on herself, her degree, then get her masters.

Everyone I talk to just tell me that she doesn't know/love or is comfortable with herself. She has been depressed for a long time, always hated having a "weight" issue... and I certainly made mistakes along the way... but, I am being that even if I did do everything right, this still would have happened because she never would have been happy.

So, now I have deleted her AIM name, her numbers, packed up her stuff... everything having to do with her.

My only hope is that when she does finally "find" herself, if ever... she will remember what we had because I was amazing to her.

My only hope is that when she does finally "find" herself, if ever... she will remember what we had because I was amazing to her.
She will remember the good times, trust me, but her life is going down a different path, and so should yours.

Stop trying to contact her, and be busy healing, regrouping, and rebuilding, a life that you enjoy and makes you happy, without her in your life.

It sucks big time, but its an important part of learning, and growing, and being able to cope with what life throws at you.

She is trying to learn to love herself, and so should you, be learning to love yourself, and doing what makes you happy without her.

I think you will, after a some time.

I know its tough man. I went through the same thing with my ex. Sometimes, like Tal says, your paths take you in different directions and you grow apart. It doesn't mean that your paths may never cross again, but you have to assume they won't and suck it up.

Its very difficult, but at some point everyone goes through it a few times.

Give yourself some time to grieve and then start to get back on track with dong what you like.

It has been 2 days now since she completely broke it off with me. I am and have been torn to shreds. I know I can't fix the past and I know I can't convince her right now that our relationship could change, but I still am so confused myself and don't even know what I really want to do. I know I love her, I know I made many mistakes... and I really want time to bring her back to me...

This just really sucks... cause it all came crashing down

I know exactly where your coming from. You are thinking back to all the situations where you think you made the wrong decisions.

What if you did this or that instead of this.. blah, blah, blah.

Don't do that. Leave the past in the past and focus on yourself and the future. There is no sense dwelling on things that you can't change.

I still look back and wonder from time to time, if I made the right decisions... but then realize that everything would have probably worked out the same.

You can't beat yourself up over them.


and I really want time to bring her back to me...

I know, I want time to bring back the girl I used to know before all the BS. You can't put your life on hold waiting for things to happen. It's your life and it's your responsibility to make things happen for yourself. You can't just let life pass you by hoping and waiting for someone to come back. Chances are she won't... and that's a hard pill to swallow, but it's the way things work.

Let time work for you, by healing your mind. Concentrate and challenge yourself to move forward. You will get through this. I never thought I would get over my ex, but I am completely different now, than I was 9 months ago. I still live with her ghost somewhat, but it has got 100% better.

Stay focused. Roll with the punches and get busy with living your single life.

Anyone ever seen this website or know anyone who has used it?

Magic Of Making Up | How To Get Your Ex Back | Relationship Advice | Break Up Advice (http://www.magicofmakingup.com/?hop=travis24)

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Cut her out of your life. Give her back her dog, or get a friend to take it to her, and disappear from her life.

You love her with all your soul, right? Unfortunately for your broken heart, she does not seem to love you. Don't sell yourself short. Don't settle for someone that doesn't think of you as highly as you think of them. There's TONS of women out there that would LOVE to be read poetry!

It's going to hurt for a long time, but you'll speed up the healing process if you stop making excuses for her. She deemed you replaceable. Let her go, and accept that some things are just not meant to be. And don't sabotage the healing process by "accidentally" running into her, or looking at her MySpace or whatever.

If you love yourself and enjoy being happy at all, you'll give yourself time to heal. Good luck.

My problem with that is, I don't know how! :( She said it was best for both of us, and I guess maybe it is cause I DO need to work on myself too, although I don't think she is thinking of it that way. I just am not sure how to work on myself. I am confused about what I want to do specifically, where I want to go, how I want to accomplish things. I have never broken up with anyone... and I am sitting here thinking that maybe I need to break some hearts! Haha. Cruel, I know... but, just so I can understand the other side, I guess.

Furthermore, it has always been really hard for me to have self-respect... for as long as I can remember, I have thought lowly of myself, had problems with the way I look, etc. BUT, I am/was able to cast those feelings aside... not make them go away, just I guess, learn to not worry about them. That was a step in the right direction, I think... but she never got there, or maybe a little bit in the past year or so.

I have been doing things like going to the gym with my friends, playing games, I am going on a trip next week with another friend, and hanging out with friends. So, I am doing things to get my mind off her and lessen the pain, but it is extremely hard to do that, do school, try to better myself, and try to convince myself that I am better off without her because I do deserve better.

If anyone has any ideas or suggestions about how I can make myself feel better about me... I am all ears, cause I have had the hardest time for years.

She lost the catch of her life when she dumped you. You treated her like a princess and she will not get that same treatment in future relationships.

You have a ton of things to offer another woman, when that other woman finds you.

Tell yourself that she is the one who lost.. not you!

Distractions help during times like this, but they can only dull the pain, not take it away completely. It is going to take some time before the pain starts subsiding on its own.

Stick to what you are doing with friends and whatever. In a few weeks you will start feeling a little better.

Remember, this is rock bottom. Things can only go up from here.

Well, it has now been 1 week since she completely left me.

She sent me a text today saying she got a new # and she wanted me to have it. I called her to originally ask her if she wanted me to help her get her old one back because I used to work at ATT and still know people who can help me. She said she is on Verizon now and that she is on her aunt's plan and it does not matter about keeping the old number.

I told her that I miss her, I love her, and that I am sorry for everything that has happened. She said that we can still be friends and we can hang out, but it might be difficult for me right now cause of everything that has gone on and how upset she knows I was/am. I told her that when she gets over all the negativity and unhappiness she felt toward the end, to please remember me for what I did for her, what I didn't do for her, and how I wanted to spend the rest of my life making it up to her. She said she still cares about me as a person and wanted to talk to me or else she would not have picked up the phone.

The topic of her seeing other people came up too (as she said she thinks I should date other people, so I asked her about herself) and she said she does not want any of that right now and that when she does get over everything, she will call me.

I went on spoke with a psychiatrist today... and then she text me afterwards. I feel a lot better than I did last week or the 3 weeks prior. But, I really miss her a lot and want her to remember how good I was to her... I just want her to understand that she made mistakes too and we can be great if we can just get past certain things.

I felt like this conversation was fairly hopeful because of the way she sounded and how she wanted to work on herself. But, also how she has not completely shut me out and obviously wanted some sort of connection or she would not have given me her number...

Thoughts?

You are getting trapped in the Friend Zone and being spoon fed false hope by her. That is not a good for you.

Of course she wants you to be friends. That way she can keep you in her life and not feel guilty about dumping you. If you go along with this, you will be helping her move on at your emotional expense.

I know you guys were together for 5 years. My ex and I were together for 4 years, and she fed me the same crap. Next thing I know, she is banging some other guy and my whole world came coming down.

I'm telling you now, even though she says she doesn't want to get with anyone right now, she is looking. She just hasn't found a suitable replacement for you yet. It's just a matter of time before she finds a guy that gives her that "feeling" again and she leaves you in the Friend Zone for good.


Don't let that happen. Stay away from her and do your own thing. I was hanging on for months, before I finally found out what she was doing with the other guy. It took that immense pain to get me to finally walk away from her. I missed her more than anything and I still do, mostly because I am still weak and give in when she calls.

It does get better, but the feelings you have for her will take a LONG time to fade.

She sent me a text today saying she got a new # and she wanted me to have it. I called her to originally ask her if she wanted me to help her get her old one back because I used to work at ATT and still know people who can help me.

Friend zone for sure, no doubt about it. She made sure she had access to you and you complied. I think you saw this as a signal for reconciliation.

I told her that I miss her, I love her, and that I am sorry for everything that has happened. She said that we can still be friends and we can hang out, but it might be difficult for me right now cause of everything that has gone on and how upset she knows I was/am.
You took an opportunity to let your feelings be known, hoping it makes a difference but she very wisely side stepped your concerns, and gave you her boundaries.


The topic of her seeing other people came up too (as she said she thinks I
Should date other people, so I asked her about herself) and she said she does not want any of that right now and that when she does get over everything, she will call me.


Her mission has been accomplished, and she will call you when your ready to be friends, if she isn't busy, or have no other interests.

Disappear from her life to get your feelings under control, to see the reality of your situation, so your decisions are based on facts, and not just feelings. She is determined to get on with her life, or what you want, regardless of the facts before you, and you can be friends. The rest is your fear, and false hope, telling you to wait until she changes her mind, and comes back as she was before, and I'm sorry, I doubt that happens.

All the little extras you've done for her throughout you relationship, has can come across as loss of self respect. From what it sounds like to me you've spent years feeding you're self respect into her insecurities in an attempt to heal her emotional disfunctions so that you may be happy together. Unfortunately you've fed you self respect into a bottomless pit, and the only way to get it back is to rebuild it yourself. She's watched you feed it to her problems (bottomless pit),and has over time lost any respect that she may have ever had for you. She has been very unappreciative all the little extras and has just taken them for granted. She will always take them for granted, no matter if she "finds herself" works her way out of depression. At the point that you've come to, she's I believe started to realize how much you kissed her feet and worshipped the ground she walked on, and it simply makes you out to be clingy.

You need to cut her out completely and make it obvious that she doesn't have a chance with you. You need to ditch her number and cut all ties. She will only drag you along to make herself feel better all the time not healing a single nuance of yourself esteem. When she does find someone else, you'll continue to be crushed and dragged along as your "just friends" relationship gets farther and farther distant. She made her decision. Now she can live with it. You're the one with something to bring to the table. She's the one that's empty handed. You need the time to rebuild yourself, self esteem and self image.

Also, romantic love is good and healthy and can add to happiness in a relationship, but it doesn't make a good base for a loving relationship. It can be emotionally pricey as you can see.
Good luck buddy, and we'll all be here for you for support.

It looks like people were right... from what I found out today, she is now in another relationship... I do not know how serious or whatever... but, she apparently she was lying about everything she was telling, I am guessing it was everything... like when she told me she wanted time to herself and everything...

I guess we will see how it turn out... I will not be in her life, and I have been NC.

So, I don't know... but it really sucks :(

Break ups always do, but life does go forward, and your free to go with it. Not to worry though, it gets better, so heal up, and be ready for it.

It has been 2 days now since she completely broke it off with me. I am and have been torn to shreds. I know I can't fix the past and I know I can't convince her right now that our relationship could change, but I still am so confused myself and don't even know what I really want to do. I know I love her, I know I made many mistakes...and I really want time to bring her back to me....

This just really sucks....cause it all came crashing down

Hey man, just want to say I totally feel your pain. 4 weeks ago she told me she needed space and time to "re evaluate things". We had been dating for 2 years, and been through a lot together, ups and downs, and amazing experiences. Anyhow, I respected her time and space she wanted. Did the whole no contact deal, then 3 days ago, she gets ahold of me to tell me she feels guilty she has "found" someone else, and didn't "mean for it to happen> it just happened that way?" I'm never probably going to understand this, my heart got kicked in, but I have to take what's left of me and start to focus on me and where my life is going. You don't need to rely on her for your happiness man, you got you!! I think that you become to used to the idea of you being a couple and as one person, because I know I did, But Im waking up to the fact, I got me, and whatever she chooses, that's her choice. I can choose how I want to react to things, and for today (which is all anyone has), Im working on me..

Anyway man, If you need anything want to talk, I am in the same deal as you.. I can relate, in fact I think pretty much everyone on this forum is a great advice giver.

Take care, chin up, you got this.

I just don't understand... I can sit here and tell myself so much how terrible she is, how terrible she treated me, and all the stupid stuff she did, but it still doesn't take away the empty feeling at the pit of my stomach, and I hate it.

I just don't get it... I feel like such a terrible person and that I failed horribly... and yet, I know it is not my fault, but can't actually feel that way...

Your feelings are human, and you hurt. That's so normal. Don't beat yourself up, because its not your fault her feelings changed. But I know it sucks for now, but as you come to accept this change in your life, you will see it gets better. It just takes time to cope with those darn feelings, but you will.

My problem is, I don't know how to convince myself that I was not happy in the relationship and that I am better off without her.

I try not to think about the times we had together and try to use all the stuff I did for her as a reason since she was so stupid to throw it all away... cause I did A lot for her, like... seriously... a ton. And she turned around and threw it away in the drop of a hat..

So, why can't I use that a reason enough to make this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach go away??

That's not how the healing process works. It starts with accepting that her feelings have changed, and you making the adjustment to be okay with yourself without her in your life. It takes both patience and a plan of action, as this is a process where there is no quick fix.

Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum, or read my signature. There is a link to those stickies.


I did A lot for her, like... seriously... a ton. And she turned around and threw it away in the drop of a hat..

That's sounds like some good motivation to me, for you to move forward, and not look back.

I know how you feel.
I gave & gave until I gave myself away.

Then, after 5ys, I get dumped over the phone because "she wants to be single"

The only thing you need to convince yourself is that this is now over.
Go NC immediately, and never turn back. Its for your own good.

It isn't easy, its still hard for me after 2mo. But strength & time are what's on your side now. Give to yourself for a change.

Well, it has been a month and a half to 2 months. I know I keep going on about this, but new stuff keeps developing and I feel terrible every time... and I hate it. Basically, I still live with my mom and my mom made an agreement with her mom that a couple of their dogs would come to our house to be watched (this was made before we broke up, but was still carried out after we broke up). So, they were here for a few weeks and one of them was having some problems, which were similar to problems he had in the past. So, when they got the dogs back, the next day (today), she called me and asked me about him and if anything happened while he was here. We talked about it a bit, but I of course, I didn't want to talk to her, or at the very least, talk about him... so I went brought us up... asking about the other guy, telling her what I did, how she lied (which she said she did not cause he apparently came in AFTER me), etc. She really did not say much, but she did say she thinks about me, about how in 3 days it would be 5 years, but she doesn't want that right now and that she would not be happy. I asked her how this could happen, how she could go with someone so easily after she broke it off with me and she said she was devastated after she broke up with me... she ended the conversation by saying she loves me, she will always love me, she will be here for me, etc...

There were a few other things said, but I honestly don't feel like typing... it just kills me to think that this happened and that I was so easily cast aside. Like, I was trying to force her to see how good I was, when I know she has to see it for herself... I just don't understand how she can't...

How do I make myself understand that I really am better off without her? How do I actually feel that way? I hate feeling like this, and I hate feeling like the only way I will feel better is if that void is replaced by someone else...

I'm sorry for bothering you all with this... and I am sorry for carrying on... I just can't deal with how I feel

I know how you feel. For me, the rejection is the hardest thing to let go.

This is why having any contact with her will hurt you more. Don't watch her dogs and communicate to your mom that you need NC to heal. Cut the hurtful drama, it will only prolong things.

If she truly loved you, then she wouldn't have done this.
No one needs people like that who are capable of such deceit.

Let her live with her decision and concentrate on yourself.

I wanted to let go of this and the pain so badly, I became so incredibly frustrated. But now, I tell myself, not to rush things, Ive gone this far, let time and strength guide me to let go.

Chuff said here "Something good will come of this" Believe that...

Having contact with her will raise all of the memories again. Look at this last conversation you had with her as closure. Now you can really devote your energy to letting go and moving on.

It will take a while for your memories of her and this whole thing to fade enough to where you actually don't care. It WILL happen. You just need to give yourself more time.

That day coming up is the day that you start a new chapter in your life, not relive old painful memories. Get out and do something good for yourself that day!