I want something to be wrong with me. I like being damaged. I want to have a mental illness or for something bad to happen to me. Its exciting to me. I feel that I have problems now but I want more. I want to feel more pain and cry more. Not physical pain but emotional. I want to feel like the worst person on earth. I want self destruction. What's wrong with me?? I think I might just want attention but I always push people away.

i want something to be wrong with me. i like being damaged. i want to have a mental illness or for something bad to happen to me. its exciting to me. i feel that i have problems now but i want more. i want to feel more pain and cry more. not physical pain but emotional. i want to feel like the worst person on earth. i want self destruction. whats wrong with me?!?!?! i think i might just want attention but i always push people away.

Simone,

You might like where the answers to these questions will bring you:

What would happen if you got your wish? What would occur if you got exactly the right amount of problems, emotional pain, and tears, if you felt like the worst person on earth and experienced self destruction? What would you do? What would change in you and around you? What would come next?

Is it about attention or something else? If you let the part of you that wants all that do its thing while the rest of you sits quietly for a few minutes and just listens to your mind, what comes up? Is it all about attention that in the end makes you uncomfortable so you push people away? What does the rest of you say?

While you are asking yourself those questions, try also asking what will happen if you don't get those things to occur. If you are physically and mentally healthy, live a long and fulfilling life, have friends and family who love you, and get to feel great, what will be the outcome?

Think through those questions and we can have a meaningful conversation.

Tao

Hi, Simone21295!

What's the best thing that could happen if you were to get your wish, please?

Thanks!

Hi, Simone21295!

What's the best thing that could happen if you were to get your wish, please?

Thanks!

Yes, kind of like the question "Careful what you ask for."

Yes, kind of like the question "Careful what you ask for."

You're correct there, Stringer! LOL!

Personally I think that if you want something to be horribly wrong with you then you my dear, already have something wrong with you.

Another problem solved and another wish granted.

Hi, Simone21295!

What's the best thing that could happen if you were to get your wish, please?

Thanks!

Its hard to explain. Those feelings interest me. I want to figure them out. Find out why. I enjoy those feelings. I want to know if pain really is all in your head and if so why and how and why do I want it. What's the best thing that could happen? I wood get what I wanted. I wood be happy if I felt like the worst person and to cry more. Its complicated and hard to explain.

i want something to be wrong with me. i like being damaged. i want to have a mental illness or for something bad to happen to me. its exciting to me. i feel that i have problems now but i want more. i want to feel more pain and cry more. not physical pain but emotional. i want to feel like the worst person on earth. i want self destruction. whats wrong with me?!?!?! i think i might just want attention but i always push people away.

Let me get this straight, you WANT a mental illness or an extremely bad event to happen to you?! Wow... be careful what you wish for. Asking for things like this isn't going to get you the attention you want, at least not the good kind. If you were to tell your parents that they may take you to a doctor to evaluate your behavior. Do you really want to be known as the girl who is noticed for her problems and not the good she does? Go out with some friends and get out of the house more to get rid of this thought. Saying you want problems is actually a problem in its self. Like I said before... BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!! If something bad actually happens to you, you are going to regret wishing for it to happen because you are not going to be happy with the pain. People are only going to feel sorry for you not like you any more than they do now. I'm sure deep down you really don't want the pain. Relax and think about what you really want.

My mom won't let me go anywere. She's to overprotective. So I have no choice but to sit alone while she is at work and those things are what keeps crossing my mind.

Hmm, well the fact that you are thinking like this pretty much means you have big problems. People's goal in life is to be enlightened and happy, regardless of religion, race, etc. Everyone wants to be happy, so why would you WISH for a hold up? Maybe you want to be inspired to do something that changes the world? A lot of times when something changes is because the person who changed it dealt with hardships and it made them stronger. Don't wish for problems, it's quite selfish. If you want to be ill, brain damaged, etc. you need to seek therapy, either you ARE sick in the head or you want attention like you stated. Be happy that you don't have problems that affect your life, sometimes I wish that were the case for me and my peers.


EDIT: You've said constantly on different posts that your mom doesn't let you go ANYWHERE, frankly I find that absurd and a little mean. Tell your mom to enroll you in supervised activities like sports, an art class, etc. because the fact that when you're alone you get crazy wishes and thoughts like these means your not in a healthy situation. Talk to your mom about letting you do more things, she has to know what's going on and how you feel.

Sounds like his wishes have come true, since wanting those things, is a serious mental issue

I wanted to go to a therapist, but I didn't want anyone to know I was including my family. I think a therapist could answer my questions, but we don't have the money anyway. Most mentally ill people don't want therapy, so that leads me to think that I'm not mentally ill. I don't want therapy to fix my problems I want it to find out why I want problems. Is it a deficiency or did I bring this upon myself? Is it real or is it just a reaction to something else I don't know about myself? So now I decided to study psychology as a career.

I'm going to study psychology in my sophomore year of high school but I don't want problems. I am also going to study preschool child development to help me better understand how the mind develops. I think you are only posting this question for the attention. If I were a therapist right now I would come to the conclusion that you feel as though you are not getting enough attention from your peers and you are most likely bringing this "problem" upon yourself. Maybe talk to a school councilor about this or one of the therapists at your school, they are already paid for.

Let me get this right.

You want a mental illness.
But you don't want to be treated for a mental illness?

You say most mentally ill people don't want therapy.. not true!
Things like depression are considered an illness and I can assure you depressed people want help!

You need serious reality check girl, there are free clinics around, look in your phone book, you need to talk to a therpist or counselor about this problem.
You also need to tell your parents about it, not wanting treatment for a mental illness (which by wanting one is what you have) can lead too much more serious issues (think depression, and even suicide)

Make that appointment now.

I'm still really confused about the logic behind all of this wanting an illness, but I do agree that you should do something about it and tell your parents so they can help you find the help you need.

i wanted to go to a therapist, but i didnt want anyone to know i was including my family. i think a therapist could answer my questions, but we dont have the money anyways. most mentally ill people dont want therapy, so that leads me to think that im not mentally ill. i dont want therapy to fix my problems i want it to find out why i want problems. is it a deficiency or did i bring this apon myself? is it real or is it just a reaction to something else i dont know about myself? so now i decided to study psychology as a career.

So, Simone, you have created a little stir, gotten some opinions, have had time to think about what people here have said about your question. Forgive me if I'm wrong, please, but I have the impression that you haven't yet done any real work on getting the answers. That work will be within yourself, not just asking us.

You presented an unusual position, and you describe what could be a sensational set of motivators for digging into the nature of human suffering. If you successfully went where you say you want to go—feeling like the worst person on earth, etc.—and came out without destroying yourself, you might actually get some insight and wisdom that you could put to use as you grow into adulthood. You might figure some things out and help a lot of people one day. More immediately, you wouldn't feel so bored being stuck in the house because your Mom won't let you go anywhere. You would be exploring the dark recesses of your mind.

If you are seriously thinking about becoming a therapist, know that many psychotherapists chose their profession while sorting out their own problems, and the work they did in themselves is what made the great ones great.

So, go, girl. Dig into those feelings and study the depths of despair. But first, set up the necessary relationships with school counselors and social services—both are free—so you have the direct support when you need it. And you will need it! Make the appointments; include your Mom; go and tell the real story to both counselors; let them be your backup. If they are good, maybe they can be more than backup; maybe they will be resources. If your Mom is reluctant, just tell her the truth. She'll go.

I posed some questions to you in an earlier post. If you are sincere about the position you presented to us, then ask yourself those questions (repeated below) and any other questions people ask you here. Do the work of looking into yourself and listening to the answers that come to you from your own mind. You want to understand? To know if there is something wrong with you, or maybe something very right, but not yet ripe, get to work within yourself and find out.

That is, unless you are just trying to shock people because you feel bad that your mother won't let you run free, or are bored, or something else. If you are just making up a s**t-stirring story to see what kind of a rise you can get out of this community, fess up, please, and we will sigh and relax, maybe even laugh with you.

The help you get from this forum depends on having a meaningful conversation. These questions (rewritten here) can lead to that interchange:


What would happen if you got your wish? What would occur if you got exactly the right amount of problems, emotional pain, and tears, if you felt like the worst person on earth and experienced self destruction, what would change in you and around you?
As a result, what would you do with those changes?
What will happen if you don't get that level of suffering to occur? If you are physically and mentally healthy,enjoy your life, have friends and family who love you, and get to feel great, what will be the result?
If you let the part of you that wants all that bad stuff to happen just do what it does, while the rest of you sits quietly and just listens to your mind, what comes up? Try it. Just sit and listen to your thoughts without censoring them. Let the part of your mind that wants to experience those bad feelings do what it wants, and feel what it wants. Leave it alone and listen to the rest of your mind. What does the rest of you say about this wish for suffering? Write it down.


Is it all about getting attention that in the end becomes too much?

Tao

There is one of two things happening here and I sincerely hope you are after the right one...

Either you want to experience pain for attention, whether it be positive attention or negative attention. You say you push people away but that is simply playing the part of the "poor me" girl with all the mental issues that you have probably seen in movies one too many times.

OR...

You understand that without suffering, one cannot truly know happiness.

The latter is a very true, very pure idea. And going into these situations with that mindset can be a very enlightening experience for you that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

However, if you claim that justification but go into these situations with the REAL reason being closer aligned to the first situation above, you will be VERY sorry. Your mind will not be ready to cope with the reality of those things and they will swallow you whole.

If you really are just the non-conformist girl with the mental issues that doesn't care about anyone and pushes people away and is the outcast but has everyone looking at her wondering... then do like most of them do and just make up those experiences in your life.

But if you are really seeking these experiences for the right reason, go forth with confidence... and enjoy ;)

I did think about those questions you asked over and over again. I don't know the answer to some but ill tell you what I'm thinking.
1. I'm not sure, but I want to find out. I don't know if its possible to have enough, but if it was then I would explore it.
2. I would enjoy it and then ill use it to figure out the answers to other things.
3. I've tried enjoying life, but id rather not. Id rather pick out all the bad things and hate life. I want to hate things, its more interesting. There's a reason behind hating something but there's not always a reason behind liking something, like a favorite color for example. If I didn't get what it I would keep trying.
4. what comes up is a lot of why questions. Also I compare how being happy makes me feel compared to how being depressed makes me feel. I also find excuses for the things and people that make me cry and those are the thoughts I try to ignore. Finding excuses wood make feel better but I don't want that.

I like what most have said here. But from first hand experience I can tell you a little story that might hopefully change your mind..

When I was about 15 my parents decided to move our family to a new town. Better schooling, better homes, better everything. I remember my parents would say that. I grew up in a very strict family. I couldn't go out with friends just for fun, I couldn't have a boyfriend, and couldn't do anything that a normal teenager could do. I started doing a ton of things that I said I would never do like cutting, drugs, drinking all because I thought I'd feel better if people felt sorry for me and I liked the depression feeling. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd at school. I used to sit there and actually wish that I had more problems than I actually did. I remember thinking how it would be cool if someone close to me passed away, so people would feel bad for me. God knows all the problems that I did have. Anyway this went on for about two years. I had a huge connection with my grandmother. She was the only person in my family to actually let me be a normal teen. When she noticed I was changing she told me things would get better and she had faith that I'd recover. I completely ignored what my grandmother had to say even when she tried to get me some profession help. One month after that very conversation she passed away. I learned that she died because of a cardiac arrest. I became devastated. This was not what I wanted. This was not what I planned. I to this day feel horrible about not trying to get help. I feel horrible that I wished for something horrible like that to happen to me. This wasn't the "depression" I wanted.
So, Be careful what you wish for.
And Please my dear, try and get some help.

This is either a bogus post or you're just looking for sympathy from everyone.

People who do that latter always tell everyone about their "problems" as if the listener has a perfect life.

You are really, really immature.

And for the record your problem is that you want more problems, so technically you got what you wanted.

[i want something to be wrong with me. I like being damaged. I want to have a mental illness or for something bad to happen to me. Its exciting to me. I feel that I have problems now but I want more. I want to feel more pain and cry more. Not physical pain but emotional. I want to feel like the worst person on earth. I want self destruction. What's wrong with me?? I think I might just want attention but I always push people away.QUOTE=;][/QUOTE]

My daughter knows a girl who feels like you do. The reason she feels that way is because she does not feel anything. She really doesn't care. She try's to care and can't. She has very few feelings but wants to have feelings so she can be like the rest of the people. She is mentally ill and goes for therapy every day but it is not helping yet. Maybe it never will. Maybe that is just you. Your personality. You may not really care, you are just curious what it would be like to get emotional. Perhaps you should learn to accept yourself before you wish for something different. A lot of people say they wish they did not care so much.

I like what most have said here. But from first hand experience I can tell you a little story that might hopefully change your mind..

When I was about 15 my parents decided to move our family to a new town. Better schooling, better homes, better everything. I remember my parents would say that. I grew up in a very strict family. I couldn't go out with friends just for fun, I couldn't have a boyfriend, and couldn't do anything that a normal teenager could do. I started doing a ton of things that I said I would never do like cutting, drugs, drinking all because I thought I'd feel better if people felt sorry for me and I liked the depression feeling. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd at school. I used to sit there and actually wish that I had more problems than I actually did. I remember thinking how it would be cool if someone close to me passed away, so people would feel bad for me. God knows all the problems that I did have. Anyways this went on for about two years. I had a huge connection with my grandmother. She was the only person in my family to actually let me be a normal teen. When she noticed I was changing she told me things would get better and she had faith that I'd recover. I completely ignored what my grandmother had to say even when she tried to get me some profession help. One month after that very conversation she passed away. I learned that she died because of a cardiac arrest. I became devastated. This was not what I wanted. This was not what I planned. I to this day feel horrible about not trying to get help. I feel horrible that I wished for something horrible like that to happen to me. This wasn't the "depression" I wanted.
So, Be careful what you wish for.
And Please my dear, try and get some help.

I don't like to talk about my feelings with people in person. It makes me feel incomfortable. I don't talk to my mom about my problems and feelings. She's no help and she's always tired from working so much. Yes I do want attention but that's not why I'm posting this. Everything I said is completely true.

[i want something to be wrong with me. i like being damaged. i want to have a mental illness or for something bad to happen to me. its exciting to me. i feel that i have problems now but i want more. i want to feel more pain and cry more. not physical pain but emotional. i want to feel like the worst person on earth. i want self destruction. whats wrong with me?!?!?! i think i might just want attention but i always push people away.QUOTE=;]

My daughter knows a girl who feels like you do. The reason she feels that way is because she does not feel anything. She really doesn't care. She try's to care and can't. She has very few feelings but wants to have feelings so she can be like the rest of the people. She is mentally ill and goes for therapy every day but it is not helping yet. Maybe it never will. Maybe that is just you. Your personality. You may not really care, you are just curious what it would be like to get emotional. Perhaps you should learn to accept yourself before you wish for something different. A lot of people say they wish they did not care so much.[/QUOTE]

But I think I am a very emotional person.

My daughter knows a girl who feels like you do. The reason she feels that way is because she does not feel anything. She really doesn't care. She try's to care and can't. She has very few feelings but wants to have feelings so she can be like the rest of the people. She is mentally ill and goes for therapy every day but it is not helping yet. Maybe it never will. Maybe that is just you. Your personality. You may not really care, you are just curious what it would be like to get emotional. Perhaps you should learn to accept yourself before you wish for something different. A lot of people say they wish they did not care so much.

But I think I am a very emotional person.[/QUOTE]

Then you are not like the person I speak of, and thank goodness. That would be so difficult to overcome. Enjoy your emotions and when a catastrophe happens, remember to be strong and deal with it and you will know why people do not want those things to happen. Good luck and God Bless You. Maybe someone else knows what you should do about it if anything,

Why not go online and look at world news? Read about women being trafficked for sex (http://www.google.ca/search?q=women+trafficked+for+sex&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a). Read about the war in Iraq (http://news.google.ca/news?oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&q=war+in+iraq&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&ei=KPNSSoz0GcSltgf8ud2iCA&sa=X&oi=news_group&ct=title&resnum=1). Watch the movie Zeitgeist (http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/) and learn something. Why not read about your country and what is happening around the globe. Read about how many children are abducted per year and how many are raped, murdered or molested.

Go to Peta (http://www.meat.org/) and watch videos of animals being slaughtered for food or skinned for fur.

These things will educate you bring up feelings AND maybe just maybe instead of wanting problems instead you'll use your nogging to learn about things.

Get smart not emotionally drained.

NOTE: Words in blue means you can click them, they'll bring you to a site.

Sarah

i did think about those questions you asked over and over again. i dont know the answer to some but ill tell u what im thinking.
1. im not sure, but i want to find out. i dont know if its possible to have enough, but if it was then i would explore it.
2. i would enjoy it and then ill use it to figure out the answers to other things.
3. ive tried enjoying life, but id rather not. id rather pick out all the bad things and hate life. i want to hate things, its more interesting. theres a reason behind hating something but theres not always a reason behind liking something, like a favorite color for example. if i didnt get what it i would keep trying.
4. what comes up is a lot of why questions. also i compare how being happy makes me feel compared to how being depressed makes me feel. i also find excuses for the things and people that make me cry and those are the thoughts i try to ignore. finding excuses wood make feel better but i dont want that.

So you're a problem solver, an inner explorer, currently specializing in the negative perspective. Then you should know that the "why" questions are not that useful in your exploration. "What do I get from hating?" is more productive for discovering what you seek than "Why do it prefer to hate?" The why questions each produce a "Because" and then some justification. The what questions give you information about how you work inside.

I challenge your idea that there is a reason behind hating and not behind liking. If you really want to figure things out, and not just convince yourself of a hard-negative-edge position that refuses to dare loving, I suggest that you spend more time asking what you get from each piece of your puzzle. What do you get from hate? Love? Depression? What does the part of you that energizes your choice to go deep into the worst possibilities do for you?

I don't know if you will take the time to learn how to look into yourself in an exploratory and genuinely curious way. But if you get quiet enough, and keep asking questions that reveal the payoffs you get from taking the path you have described, you will be pleasantly surprised by the new choices you find.

Then, you can decide if you will ignore feeling good , or let yourself enjoy it this time.

Tao

Hi again, Simone21295!

What positive thing would be gained if you were to get your wish, please?

Please just write the first thing that comes to your mind...

Thanks!

Hi again, Simone21295!

What positive thing would be gained if you were to get your wish, please?

Please just write the first thing that comes to your mind...

Thanks!

The 1st thing that comes to my mind is nothing. Nothing positive can come from it because I don't want it to be positive. Pain isn't considered to be a positive thing because it makes you feel bad, but I want to feel bad.

The 1st thing that comes to my mind is nothing. Nothing positive can come from it because I don't want it to be positive. Pain isn't considered to be a positive thing because it makes you feel bad, but I want to feel bad

I guess you could say that for you, Pain is positive. Even though you are an emotional person, the need to feel pain says to me that you do not feel pain or you would not wish to feel pain.

I love Muddys comment.

If you want to feel bad and feel pain go volunteer at an animal shelter, help them put down all the innocent animals, that will make you feel really bad.

Go volunteer at a homeless shelter or charity, see all the people coming in without a penny to their name and just the clothes on their back.

It might put things into perspective for you.

Its hard to explain. Those feelings interest me. I want to figure them out. Find out why. I enjoy those feelings. I want to know if pain really is all in your head and if so why and how and why do I want it. What's the best thing that could happen? I wood get what I wanted. I wood be happy if I felt like the worst person and to cry more. Its complicated and hard to explain.

You need to get psychiatric help.
You have an unhealthy obsession with mental illness and only a trained professional can get to the reasons behind your obsession.
Through talk therapy,you will hopefully come to the realization that life is too short to want to spend any of it in an unhappy place.
I hope you seek the help you need.

But I think I am a very emotional person.

Then you are not like the person I speak of, and thank goodness. That would be so difficult to overcome. Enjoy your emotions and when a catastrophe happens, remember to be strong and deal with it and you will know why people do not want those things to happen. Good luck and God Bless You. Maybe someone else knows what you should do about it if anything,[/QUOTE]

But I can just as easily detach myself from everything and sometimes not care about anything including myself and sometimes I think I care too much and take things to seriously, but isn't that just being a moody teen?

You need to get psychiatric help.
You have an unhealthy obsession with mental illness and only a trained professional can get to the reasons behind your obsession.
Through talk therapy,you will hopefully come to the realization that life is too short to want to spend any of it in an unhappy place.
I hope you seek the help you need.

I don't think I want to, but if I did she doesn't have the time or money to take me there. As for a school counselor I'm on summer vaction.

i dont think i want to, but if i did she doesnt have the time or money to take me there. as for a school counselor im on summer vaction.

Many communities have free mental health clinics and or sliding scale treatment(you pay according to income).
If you belong to a church,you can also get pastoral counseling.Free.

Here is a link for mental health for youth in your area.
They should be able to direct you to the proper channel.Please seek help honey,if you tackle this issue now,you can have a happy fulfilling life.You deserve it!

Home - The Federation of Families of South Carolina (http://www.fedfamsc.org/)

Many communities have free mental health clinics and or sliding scale treatment(you pay according to income).
If you belong to a church,you can also get pastoral counseling.Free.

Here is a link for mental health for youth in your area.
They should be able to direct you to the proper channel.Please seek help honey,if you tackle this issue now,you can have a happy fulfilling life.You deserve it!

Home - The Federation of Families of South Carolina (http://www.fedfamsc.org/)

no... I don't want to solve my issues with therapy. I want to understand my issues with therapy.

no... i dont want to solve my issues with therapy. i want to understand my issues with therapy.

Understanding is half the battle.Best of luck and please check out the link.

Yes, that would be the perfect job in that situation. Comfort a puppy while it has to die.And that is not a joke! Someone has to do it and they both would benefit.

You need to follow Artladies advice and sooner the better.

Understanding is half the battle.Best of luck and please check out the link.

Told you it would be lost :)

I've read this thread from front to back and I have to say, this just sounds like a bored teen that wants a bit of attention.

Every suggestion has been turned down. Why?

If this is a mental problem then there's really nothing any of us can do, the OP needs professional help and soon.

There are a few things that spring to mind, and all of them are for attention. We're feeding her that attention, and therefore feeding the disease.

Just my opinion.

Told you it would be lost :)

It would appear so ;)

no... i dont want to solve my issues with therapy. i want to understand my issues with therapy...

and

...i can just as easily detach myself from everything and sometimes not care about anything including myself and sometimes i think i care to much and take things to seriously, but isnt that just being a moody teen?....

and

...the 1st thing that comes to my mind is nothing. nothing positive can come from it because i dont want it to be positive. pain isnt considered to be a positive thing because it makes you feel bad, but i want to feel bad.

Simone,

Your position distresses a lot of people because we have experienced more suffering than any of us would choose if we could decide how the world works. Declaring that you want to go to the worst of places in yourself just to understand is either an amazing act of courage or a really foolish, self-defeating distortion of your situation.

For me, this thread leads to one of two conclusions:


You are a visionary genius who seeks deep insight into the dark side of the human condition, and who one day will do research that changes our understanding of why we suffer.
You are a bored, frustrated teenager who has convinced herself that she wants to feel as bad as possible because she already feels so bad that she is afraid to try to feel good any more.


I just read Altenweg's post and she suggests a third possibility: You are just jerking us around for your entertainment and attention.

In any case, you don't have the skills or personal development or life experience to figure any of this out by yourself. You need partners, people who can keep you from conning yourself—and others—and who can support you in actually doing something meaningful with what you have inside. The story that you want all this pain has worn out. I'm of the opinion that you already are in such pain that to bear it you have distorted yourself into a position that feels like power, command, control, and detachment. But, in reality, you just don't know what to do.

You can get help from professional counselors, and several suggestions have been made. If you really want to do something gutsy and productive, get in front of a counselor and explore yourself. Use the counselor as a partner in figuring out what you want to figure out.

You can do some of that here, but our process is stalled: We are offering solutions, recommendations, and advice, and you are staying on the surface by restating and reinforcing your stance. To get somewhere, you need to do the work of revealing yourself, going deeper into discovering what is really in your mind, and dealing with what you find.

Maybe you will realize that it's time to get to work.

Tao

No I'm not "pulling your chain" or "trying to see what kind of rise i can get out of this community". And I researched munchausens and I don't have that. Yes I want attention and yes I am extremely bored, but I'm not making this up just to have something to do or to get attention. EVERYTHING I SAID IS TRUE. This is what I've been thinking while bored for the past year and I have been taking it very seriously. I'm actually trying to do these things that I said and I wanted someone to talk to about it because when I talk to myself about it I seem to talk in circles. I want therapy and then I don't want it. I don't want it because I'm scared of the outcome and I do want it because it will help me when I can't help myself. I want to be a psychotherapist because I think its very interesting. I think I've gotten all the help I can get on this from here and I think I'm going to take taoplr's advice.

no im not "pulling your chain" or "trying to see what kind of rise i can get out of this community". and i researched munchausens and i dont have that. yes i want attention and yes i am extremely bored, but im not making this up just to have something to do or to get attention. EVERYTHING I SAID IS TRUE. this is what ive been thinking while bored for the past year and i have been taking it very seriously. im actually trying to do these things that i said and i wanted someone to talk to about it because when i talk to myself about it i seem to talk in circles. i want therapy and then i dont want it. i dont want it because im scared of the outcome and i do want it because it will help me when i can't help myself. i want to be a psychotherapist because i think its very interesting. i think ive gotten all the help i can get on this from here and i think im going to take taoplr's advice.

Simone,

I believe you. And I would be willing to stick with you until you come to a solid step in the right direction. Then, you will be on your own. At the onset, we have to define what the right direction is. If we do a bunch of work, and it is productive, what outcome would you want? Where do you want your inquiry to take you?

You can't do this kind of work alone. Working within yourself calls for competent, empathetic partners who can understand you and reflect you back to yourself in useful ways. You will need an in-person partner in the form of a licensed counselor whom you can see as much as needed, as well as the cyberspace partners you find here. We need the licensed counselor as backup.

Those who consider you just playing us will drift away to other threads, and one would ask of those who stay that they take you at face value, giving credence to your words.

Do you want to continue this exploration?

If not, I wish you fulfillment of your deepest wishes.

If so, let's go, starting with some questions and two assignments:


Which part of my advice were you planning to put to use?
You said that you are scared of the outcome in therapy. What, specifically, are you scared might happen of you go to therapy?
Are you a reader? If I recommend books, will you read them? Articles? Blogs? Videos?


Assignments:

1. Read the entire thread starting at https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/girlfriend-wants-breakup-after-5-years-359578-34.html

It will give you examples of my working models, great inputs from others on this forum, and a process by which a person can work in their own mind.

2. Watch this video: Jill Bolte Taylor's stroke of insight | Video on TED.com (http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.htm l)

3. Get a notebook and start taking notes, recording your thoughts, experiences, dreams, issues, and concerns. Record everything in this notebook.

Last item for now, agreements. I request that you agree to:

Answer all the questions I ask you.
Do all the assignments I give you.

Assuming you want to go ahead, what do you need from me? From others on this forum?

tao

What outcome would I want? I would want to control it and then help people who are depressed or in pain. I would want to understand there situation to make it easier to relate and help them.
Where do I want my inquiry to take me? I want it to help me figure out who I am.
In order to get a counsellor I would have to tell my mom everything. I'm afraid of being ridiculed my her. She would think it's a load of crap and start saying how immature I am and how I don't know anything and she would bring up things that have nothing with what I was talking about. I try my best to avoid talking with her.
Which part of your advice was I planning to use? Those question. I intended to ask myself those questions on a regular basis to elaborate more on them each time I ask.
I'm scared that if I get therapy they will only try to "normalize" me and that everything will be solved and there will be nothing else for me to figure out about myself.
I've never read a book unless I had to for school. But I enjoy reading about psychology.

what outcome would i want? i would want to control it and then help people who are depressed or in pain. i would want to understand there situation to make it easier to relate and help them.
where do i want my inquiry to take me? i want it to help me figure out who i am.
in order to get a counsellor i would have to tell my mom everything. im afraid of being ridiculed my her. she would think its a load of crap and start saying how immature i am and how i dont know anything and she would bring up things that have nothing with what i was talking about. i try my best to avoid talking with her.
which part of your advice was i planning to use? those question. i intended to ask myself those questions on a regular basis to elaborate more on them each time i ask.
im scared that if i get therapy they will only try to "normalize" me and that everything will be solved and there will be nothing else for me to figure out about myself.
ive never read a book unless i had to for school. but i enjoy reading about psychology.

Why not start doing that here?

We have tons of teens coming to this site just looking for someone to talk to, someone who will listen to their problems. You could help them. You could stick by them, become a sounding board for them.

The suggestions you've gotten here are good ones. I too am willing to stick by you if this is real.

You have to understand, it's summer, we get a lot of bored teens coming to this site right now. They just come here to shock, for entertainment or to argue. After a while you start to question everyone, until they prove otherwise. It's survival.

I can't understand what you're going through. I don't know what to do to help you if therapy is out of the question for you, but Toaplor is someone whose opinions are valued here. You're in the right hands, but you have to be willing to listen and do your part.

I'll check back once in a while, offer things if I have something to offer, but mostly, I'll wish you luck.

what outcome would i want? i would want to control it and then help people who are depressed or in pain. i would want to understand there situation to make it easier to relate and help them.

where do i want my inquiry to take me? I want it to help me figure out who i am.
in order to get a counsellor i would have to tell my mom everything. im afraid of being ridiculed my her. she would think it's a load of crap and start saying how immature i am and how i don't know anything and she would bring up things that have nothing with what i was talking about. I try my best to avoid talking with her.

Since that is the case, let's hold off on this requirement. But one condition: If at any time, you find yourself in dangerous territory, any emotional place that feels out of control, or harmful, or overwhelming in any way, you will tell us, and we will stop and evaluate the situation. If it is in your best interests to see a counselor at that time, you will face your mom and get professional help. Deal?


which part of your advice was i planning to use? Those question. I intended to ask myself those questions on a regular basis to elaborate more on them each time i ask.
I'm scared that if i get therapy they will only try to "normalize" me and that everything will be solved and there will be nothing else for me to figure out about myself.
I've never read a book unless i had to for school. But i enjoy reading about psychology.

So, you are, like we are, a people helper. And like other students of the human condition, you want to figure out who you are. Cool.

Your fear of them trying to normalize you in counseling is half-smart. First, they will try to normalize you, at least to make you less unusual (You have taken an unusual position, a gutsy and scary one; if you can muster up the discipline to do the work your position leads to over a long time, it might just pay off.).

The second, less-smart half is not realizing that they can't normalize you. They can only interact with you in ways that will wear away the superficial rough spots, the social negativity, the hardness. I know that from having years of therapy. You haven't had that experience, and as a teenager, you feel more vulnerable. Let's address that later.

And, there is zero chance that everything will be solved and there will be nothing else for you to figure out about yourself. The discovery about who you are is lifelong. Nobody gets to the "bottom." Discovery is endless. And in this process, you will never be bored.

Once again, make sure that you tell me, do we have an agreement? If so, you have some reading to do, a video to watch, and some note taking to get going. I am very interested in your responses to all of it.

The next steps will be to develop yourself and to wake up your capabilities for capturing and understanding what is going on in you. Just as you said, by understanding your own processes, you can understand and help others. The required development focuses on your self-management or personal discipline and your determination to persevere over time. Throughout the whole process, you are in charge of yourself.

To start this development. You need a working state, a state of mindbody in which you can reflect, discover, and learn. It should be calm, curious, safe from self-judgment or anybody else's judgment, sensitive to subtle cues coming from your unconscious mind, and totally honest. You create this state by sitting quietly, talking to yourself in your mind as if you were talking with your closest friend (which you are), and telling yourself how you want to function when doing inner work.

I define inner work as any self-reflective thinking, feeling, uncovering, and learning about oneself that a person does. Please take 10-20 minutes a day to start ,and turn your attention inward for that time. You can think, talk to yourself, listen to your mind, or just pay attention to your breathing. Just go inside and focus on your process.

The goal is to create a mental/emotional environment that makes self-discovery easy, effective, and ultimately efficient. It's like having a workshop or laboratory in which you grow.

Once you write back about your responses to the video and thread, I'll know where we have to focus. I love books and have learned a lot from good authors, so I will recommend some remarkable ones to you. But their value depends on how good of a reader you can be. Please tell me: your age, grade in school, level of academic skill (be candid), problems you have with learning, concerns you have about our learning process on this forum, and how aggressive you want to be in the reading department. I know that the greatest growth you will have will come from self-discovery, but books teach you how to communicate your discoveries in useful ways.

That's enough for now. Got to sleep.

Welcome to the path.

tao

Yes we have an agreement. I'm 14, I'm in the 10th grade, I get A's and B's.
Problems I have with learning? If you talking about school I don't think I have any anymore, but math has now gotten hard for me. If not. I don't usually listen when people tell me not to do things. Id rather learn the lesson on own and I don't always learn it.
Concerns I have about our learning? That once school starts back I will be to distracted by everything else that I will stop this and redirect my focus on other things and time will be waisted and I will have to start from the beginning next summer. And when school starts I will no longer be as bored and I won't be alone as much and I will have less time to think and explore. Also that I will become lazy and start not to care and just say whatever because ido that with other things. Also that I will be so deep in this that I can't concentrate on school and my mom will freak out that my grades are dropping and start taking things away like the internet.

You said your mother doesn't let you do what you want. Could it be that you're not getting your way, and just wanting to add more drama to your " poor,poor pitiful me" life? You write better than some adults here , and seem smart. So why not think this out? Try immersing yourself in some type of "new" studies. How about a new language? I hope you find your happiness. Good luck to you young lady.

You said your mother doesn't let you do what you want. Could it be that you're not getting your way, and just wanting to add more drama to your " poor,poor pitiful me" life? You write better than some adults here , and seem smart. So why not think this out?. Try immersing yourself in some type of "new" studies. How about a new language? I hope you find your happiness. Good luck to you young lady.

In the beginning about a year ago that's exactly how I felt. I wanted more drama to make my life seem more worth it. I wanted attention, but not from just anyone. I wanted it from my family. When I tried to get attention from my family about good things they just said OK and ignored me. So I tried different ways but that didn't work. The only attention I got was negative. Now I see no use in trying anymore. I realize now that I should focus on pleasing me not them and giving myself attention... I don't see a reason to find something "new". I've never read anything just for fun except psychology. And I am also going to take a class to learn a new language.

You basically sound like a dare devil type personality that is bored with things and want some adventure. You need to learn to channel your desires in a constructive direction rather than a negative one. Think of some adventurous hobbies or careers you can see yourself enjoying and focus on working toward them.

My son was rather the same way. He ended up joining the Army. I tried talking him into getting into pyrotechnician field but he insisted the Army was where he wanted to be.
He said he couldn't see himself with the typical 9-5 job where you just come home and watch TV, eat and go to sleep only to wake up and go back to work.

In the beginning about a year ago that's exactly how I felt. I wanted more drama to make my life seem more worth it. I wanted attention, but not from just anyone. I wanted it from my family. When I tried to get attention from my family about good things they just said ok and ignored me. So I tried different ways but that didn't work. The only attention I got was negative. Now I see no use in trying anymore. I realize now that I should focus on pleasing me not them and giving myself attention... I don't see a reason to find something "new". I've never read anything just for fun except psychology. And I am also going to take a class to learn a new language.

As I stated before , this is written intelligently. With that head on your shoulders, at only 14, the world is your pearl. What you want to do is at your fingertips, don't waste your future getting bogged down on the negative. So what your family doesn't make enough time for you right now. You've got to live girl. Go be successful. Don't concentrate on right now. Life is like a rollercoaster ride, there are going to be ups and downs, hills and valleys. Right now you're going through a "down", pick yourself up and go. Keep busy, don't give your mind time enough to think these bad thoughts. Read. Write. Enjoy your summer. Go spend some time doing something all new to you.

Wishing you the best, JMJ.

My recent interest in reading and research I think improved my writing skills... I'm sorry I don't see it as you do. I see it as finding who I am, or becoming who I want to be. Those "negative" things and "bad" thoughts I think can help me with that, through the process of digging into them. I can't just leave all those questions unanswered.

yes we have an agreement. im 14, im in the 10th grade, i get A's and B's.
problems i have with learning? if you talking about school i dont think i have any anymore, but math has now gotten hard for me. if not. i dont usually listen when people tell me not to do things. id rather learn the lesson on own and i dont always learn it.
concerns i have about our learning? that once school starts back i will be to distracted by everything else that i will stop this and redirect my focus on other things and time willbe waisted and i will have to start from the beginning next summer. and when school starts i will no longer be as bored and i wont be alone as much and i will have less time to think and explore. also that i will become lazy and start not to care and just say whatever because ido that with other things. also that i will be so deep in this that i can't concentrate on school and my mom will freak out that my grades are dropping and start taking things away like the internet.

Those are realistic concerns. But you can be sure that none of your self-development work will stop or diminish in importance when you are back in school. Between school and home, the problems you face each day will give you content to digest and process to develop. A little more about that below.

The concern about getting so deep into this that your schooling suffers, let’s keep our antennas open for that possibility. I doubt that it will occur, because inner work will make you less conflicted, more energized, and more able to solve people problems quickly and easily. You will waste less time struggling with others, and your understanding, as it grows, will become something your family respects. That might seem improbable to you now, but remember that you read it first right here. Meanwhile, it will be your job to keep your grades up.

Now, back to this idea:

Content is what people think about, and process is how they think.

Content includes the information, stories, beliefs, ideas, opinions, emotions, fears, desires, interpretations of events, etc. about which people occupy their minds. They typically believe that the content is what is real, what is important. Most people miss the underlying process by which the content gets used.

Everybody has processes for doing what they do. Our process at any given moment is the sum of our abilities: the skills, disciplines, procedures, mental and emotional routines, behavioral patterns, habits, moods, and sensitivities that your inner self uses to get you through the day. Most of this is unconscious.

So, you use a process to handle content. As you figure out how people think, you will find yourself studying both content and process, and you will learn from observing yourself and everybody around you. The world gives every observant learner a rich field in which to play. Once you become a student of these dimensions of human nature, you will never be bored!

Now, test your instinct: When you want to change anything in yourself, or in any relationship, or to help someone else change something in themselves, on which do you concentrate first, content or process?

Think this through. Is it about what you say or how you say it? When working on something within yourself, like (I’m choosing a big one here) transforming your self-limiting reactions to your Mom, will sound logic (content) convince you to break out of your habit patterns (processes) and develop a skillful response that works better for you? Or, is it more effective to change your reactive patterns (processes) first, so that you process her behavior differently?

Noodle on that, along with the other stuff you are doing. If your brain is tired at the end of the day, you will know that you are doing a good job.

Tao

my recent interest in reading and research i think improved my writing skills... im sorry i dont see it as you do. i see it as finding who i am, or becoming who i want to be. those "negative" things and "bad" thoughts i think can help me with that, through the process of digging into them. i can't just leave all those questions unanswered.

I just saw this post and have a thought: In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with going to the darkest of places, researching despair, finding who you are by finding the worst of your capacity for suffering. The question is when. You don't want to go there until you have a solid grounding in the opposite pole, in the lightest place into which you can place your roots.

Then, you enter with skill, with your resources available, and with the ability to deal with whatever comes up and come out transformed by what you learn, not trapped.


Tao

Simone21295; Do you happen to enjoy reading? Do you think you might like to be a writer someday? SS

I think its more about what you say, because if the person is really listeing to you and trying to comprehend, it won't matter how you say it. When people say "its not about what you say but how you say it" I think that means there not really listeing to the WHAT you are saying. But how you say things can also be very important if your trying to give a certain impression or covey a specific emotion to someone in effort to get your point across.

Ishadylady,
It depends on what I'm reading whether I like it or not. As for being a writter I've never given that much thought. I started writing a story or book when I was 11, but I stopped working on it so I never finished it.

i think its more about what you say, because if the person is really listeing to you and trying to comprehend, it wont matter how you say it. when people say "its not about what you say but how you say it" i think that means there not really listeing to the WHAT you are saying. but how you say things can also be very important if your trying to give a certain impression or covey a specific emotion to someone in effort to get your point across.

Good. I like your points. You could take it further and say that because of the human condition, how you say things is very important all the time. Let's look at the question again:

"When you want to change anything in yourself, or in any relationship, or to help someone else change something in themselves, on which do you concentrate first, content or process?"

For me, the majic word is “change.” We are both interested in how people change. If you get really good at what you want to do, you will change the life paths of, perhaps, thousands of people. You will help people see things differently so they suffer less and cause others to suffer less. At least, I believe that such is your intention. And if you change only one, and become the person you want to become, that's more than enough.

How easy is it for people to change? If it's a habit, a behavior, beliefs, finding out that they are wrong about something, repeatedly making a mistake, are people eager to change? Or, do they tend to get defensive? And, when people are defensive, how well do they listen? When they are afraid, anxious, in physical or emotional pain, and when they are on the attack? Aggressive? Greedy?

When people are even a little distressed, they don't listen well. The more powerful the emotional charge they are carrying around, the less they can listen to anyone but their own minds. Since the amount of emotional tension in society is unimaginable, and add to that the “normal” behavior of people in today's culture, are they in general good listeners? Or are they distracted most of the time--with IMs buzzing in their heads and hands, tweets, or money problems, or daydreams about whatever.

You can't count on people listening. You have to be able to generate effective communications anyway. That's all about skill. Before I direct you to some video, let me pose the following statements:

All human beings are unconscious most of the time. We are not asleep; we are just not paying attention to the present moment. So we are not conscious of a huge amount of what goes on. Some people are better than others, but learning how to be present has been a major problem since recorded history.

Even our neurosensory systems don't register the great majority of what occurs around us. We don't see the whole light spectrum, only a small bandwidth. We don't hear what dogs can hear, only a small fraction. We don't smell (consciously) the pheromones that moths smell. And we don't feel the molecular nature of matter, especially the fact that objects made of atoms and molecules are mostly empty space. That still blows my mind.

Instead, we sense and decode experiences that are limited by our ability to sense and decode experience. What we can't decode, we distort to fit our existing way of thinking or we delete it from our thoughts. When we are stressed, we distort more. Where there are blanks, we fill them in with material from our imaginations.

So, sit with the question some more. I'm making the case that you address process first. What do you think that is about?

Also, please tell me how the language I use works for you. If you understand and relate to my way of saying things, I will have more fun and you will have an easier time learning. But you've got to tell me straight up if I'm making sense or just throwing words at you.

I hope you are enjoying the stuff I sent you to. I'm eager to know your impression. Also, for this communication-for-change thing, go to uTube and search for Derren Brown. Watch as many clips as you can from what comes up. This guy really understands the mind and he plays with it exceptionally well. Imagine what you would do if you had his skill. When you are ready, tell me what you think.

Tao

Simone
If you enjoy writing(which you sound as though you are quite good at expressing yourself so we all understand what you are saying), it would be helpful to you and perhaps to lots of other people someday if you would write all this down and keep it. When you get out of this dark place you are in, take it out and read it. Write a book about it. SS
Ps just copy/paste all these answers and your questions and comments to word and save them in a file. If you want a step by step just let me know. SS

I skimmed through this thread interested at first but soon becoming bored with it... the OP seems to have nothing better to do but argue with us how she feels... I find there to be no point. I don't think she need any help I think she is just bored and came across an interesting topic and is now playing with us... If you are serious about feeling so much pain and trying to figure out who you are then do so but mental pain is not a toy. It is and emotional and at times physical pain that most people fear enduring.

I skimmed throught this thread interested at first but soon becoming bored with it... the OP seems to have nothing better to do but argue with us how she feels... I find there to be no point. I dont think she need any help I think she is just bored and came across an interesting topic and is now playing with us... If you are serious about feeling so much pain and trying to figure out who you are then do so but mental pain is not a toy. It is and emotional and at times physical pain that most people fear enduring.

Let's wait and see. If Simone is sincere, she will show us. If she is not, she will show us. Nothing is lost. I'd like to give her the chance.

Tao

How easy is it for people to change? Are they eager to change?
Sometimes it can be hard to change because you can't always see what the result will be, and might not want to out of fear. Fear of the unknown, or fear that you might not like what you turn into. So you push away from change and when people try to push it on you, you become defensive. You start to think of all the reasons you shouldn't change and think that people are attacking you and are trying to get you to be what THEY think you should. You feel that they are imposing or maybe even forcing there ideas on you.
When people are defensive how well do they listen? I think they listen but there not trying to understand. They are trying to find a way to prove you wrong or that there way is better.
Are they in general good listeners? They listen to what they want to listen to. I believe I am like that at times.

What do I think about addressing process 1st? I don't completely understand the difference between the two. Although I do understand what your saying about each one, I still feel confused as to which one should be addressed 1st.
How does the language you use work for me? I find it hard to understand what your saying. Sometimes I feel like you are just throwing words at me until I read it over and over again several times. Then it comes to me what you are saying.

what do i think about adressing process 1st? i dont completely understand the difference between the two. although i do understand what your saying about each one, i still feel confused as to which one should be addressed 1st.
how does the language you use work for me? i find it hard to understand what your saying. sometimes i feel like you are just throwing words at me until i read it over and over again several times. then it comes to me what you are saying.

Yes, you are going to have to read my posts several times before they sink in, plus doing all my assignments. We will deal with some unusual information and ideas, even for experienced adults, and the liberating power that comes with understanding will surprise you. For our effort to get you what you want, though, you will have to stretch your mind.

I will need your feedback as to whether we are communicating successfully. I invite you to question, challenge, and clarify anything and everything I tell you. Don't believe any of it until you test it yourself and find it true. Keep good notes and records of our dialog, and don't hold back on saying what is true for you.

Keep in mind that the goal is to get you to grow your capacity for understanding how people get into those dark places of depression and despair, what they find in there, and how they can get out. This is hard for anyone. Just keep the goal in front of you. If I got the goal wrong, or if you change direction, just let me know. In all cases, communicate.

OK. To tickle your thinking a little more, let's look at process in another way—with language. The words hold the content of a communication and the process is in the language. If you are in America, you can speak English, but in China, you have to speak Chinese. If you use the wrong process—speaking English to a Chinese-only person, your content can't be understood.

Then, look within any language. The process is in sentence structure (called syntax), grammar, and a bunch of non-verbal elements including speed (If someone talks too fast or slow, it becomes hard to listen to them), volume, tone of voice, body language, facial expression and many other elements. All that is process.

So, process is the first thing to pay attention to. It determines how content is received. If you say, " I feel great!" (content) but have a frown on your face (process) nobody will believe you.

OK so far?

If you use the wrong process, your words either mean nothing or get misunderstood. That's because people can only hear what comes to them in the process they are used to. If you understand that, you can start observing interactions among the people around you as well as yours. You will see many unnecessary conflicts happen because the processes people are using don't match up with each other. People might just as well be speaking French to a Chinese person.

The person I want you to watch in action, Derren Brown, is a master of process. He astounds people by communicating with them at levels of process that are unconscious for them, and so are very powerful. Watch him and see what he does. His extraordinary skill gets used for entertainment. For you to go where you want to go, and come out safely, and hopefully do some good, you will need some of that skill.

Watch him; watch the other video, read the thread I directed you to, and re-read my posts to you as many times as necessary for your understanding to click.

Last point for now: Regarding change, you are right: fear is the killer. An old saying is that when the fear of changing is greater than the pain of staying the same, nobody moves. But when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the fear oif changing, people just change.

When you have done some of that let me know what you think. You wanted problems, and now you've got some. Enjoy solving them!

tao

What I wrote in my notebook:
I just got finished watching that 1st video tao wanted me to see. I thought it was really cool and it amazed me. I think I would choose the left hemisphere. I think I'm choosing the left because I don't really comprehend what she is trying to say when talking about the right hemisphere in the end. What does she mean by "the life force power of the universe"? Is she just saying she's a person? Is she saying she is an important person in any way? Is she saying that she keeps this earth alive? What does she mean by "at one with all that is"? Does that mean she can understand everything? Does that mean she can connect with everything? I think if you choose to go in right hemisphere everything is clear to you therefore nothing is unknown that you don't want to be unknown. The right hemisphere sounds like a really happy place in the way that she described it. I think I really am afraid to be happy... (ran out of space).

If your happy you won't always stay that way because eventually you will go back. That's too much change for me. If I'm going to be happy I want to stay happy and if Im going to be sad I want to stay that way. I don't want any rollercoaster emotions. If Im happy I don't want my happiness to be taken away from me and be replaced by sadness. If Im sad I don't want it to be taken away from me and be replaced by happiness only for it to be replaced by sadness again. So I try to stay sad and in that sadness I started to wonder about the human emotions and why we have them. What are they for? What is happiness for? What is sadness for? Is it necessary to have these emotions? Ok, I need to get back on my topic about why I choose the left hemisphere. She says in your left hemisphere you become "separate from the flow" and I always liked to be my own person, doing what I want to do regardless of what everyone else is doing even if it leads me to trouble. She also says in the left hemisphere she knows who and what she is.

There is already something wrong with you. You Do in fact have a problem it is that you want problems Hunny YOU DO NOT WANT PROBLEMS I have them and if you want them you can have mine.

what I wrote in my notebook:
I just got finished watching that 1st video tao wanted me to see. I thought it was really cool and it amazed me. I think I would choose the left hemisphere. I think I'm choosing the left because I don't really comprehend what she is trying to say when talking about the right hemisphere in the end. What does she mean by "the life force power of the universe"? Is she just saying she's a person? Is she saying she is an important person in any way? Is she saying that she keeps this earth alive?

Keep thinking. You don't have it yet. She's feeling something maybe you haven't experienced, at least not in a way that you recognize. It's like "the force" in Star Wars. The Chinese call it ch'i, also written qi, an pronounced "chee."



What does she mean by "at one with all that is"? Does that mean she can understand everything? Does that mean she can connect with everything?


She might not understand everything in an intellectual way, but she feels joined with, part of it, yes, connected with everything. This is an extraordinary state, one that people spend years meditating to achieve. She found it when her brain went haywire. That's a very important detail. It means to me that such a state of mind is very nearby all of the time.




I think if you choose to go in right hemisphere everything is clear to you therefore nothing is unknown that you don't want to be unknown. The right hemisphere sounds like a really happy place in the way that she described it. I think I really am afraid to be happy... (ran out of space).

If your happy you wont always stay that way because eventually you will go back. Thats too much change for me. If I'm going to be happy I want to stay happy and if Im going to be sad i want to stay that way. I don't want any rollercoaster emotions. If Im happy I don't want my happiness to be taken away from me and be replaced by sadness. If Im sad I don't want it to be taken away from me and be replaced by happiness only for it to be replaced by sadness again. So I try to stay sad and in that sadness I started to wonder about the human emotions and why we have them. What are they for? What is happiness for? What is sadness for? Is it necessary to have these emotions? Ok, I need to get back on my topic about why I choose the left hemisphere. She says in your left hemisphere you become "separate from the flow" and I always liked to be my own person, doing what I want to do regardless of what everyone else is doing even if it leads me to trouble. She also says in the left hemisphere she knows who and what she is.

Two realities that you might find yourself chewing on for a while, and despite your tender years, eventually digesting and coming to peace with them, (I would not have been able to accept these realities at 14, but you are another generation.) are:

Everything changes. Nothing stays the same. The only permanent reality is change. Nothing stops that. You can try to hold onto situations, ideas, beliefs, people, emotions, perceptions, and the rest of life, but you can't keep them from changing. You can influence them, slow them down, speed them up, do something about their direction. But you can't stop them from changing.

That means that the roller coaster ride happens to everybody. We get sad, happy, afraid, inspired, helpless, powerful, frustrated, fulfilled, and the next thing and the next because that's the experience of being a living person. We can be poor and get rich, famous then forgotten, sick then healthy without any action on our part or any warning. The way to ride this pony is to saddle up, mount up, and ride.

Life would be boring without this endless river of transformation from state to state. Because you are asking these questions now, instead of trying to stay sad or stay happy, neither of which you can do, you might find yourself relaxing, taking a few breaths, and telling yourself "I can do this. I can get comfortable knowing the full range of life." And you can. Accept the ups and downs, and you can have inner peace.

Emotions are part of our decision-making process and the way we know the world. They electrify our thoughts and make them tangible, not abstract. Without our emotions, our thoughts wouldn't motivate us to do anything. Our lives wouldn't seem real.

Let's go into happiness and sadness later. Now, the second reality:
Everything is paradoxical. (Two opposing truths are both true, even while they contradict each other.) You can be your own person, "separate from the flow" while being "one with everything." You can't choose the left hemisphere, because you are both hemispheres. If you are going to understand and help people, make it your business to get comfortable with paradox. Irony as well.

So far, your questions and answers tell me that you are thinking on a deep level compared to your habits, and that your youth and inexperience won't stop you from figuring out what life is and who and what you are.

I have watched that video several times, and each time, I get more understanding and appreciation. What further questions do you have about her message and my explanations?

Next, Derren Brown. Keep thinking and questioning. Relax into your learning. Let go of having a bad time, and let yourself enjoy exploring these thoughts.

Tao

Simone; You did a beautiful job explaining what Taopir had written to you. I do see where she is going with this and it is special but it is over my head too. I read about meditation but do not really study or practice it. I wish you could talk to the Dahli Lamma. From reading some of his work and listening to friends who have had met him, I bet you would really enjoy speaking of this with him. But if you are still a teenager, which is where you posted, I think some of the discussion we are having would be way over your head. But you don't want to loose it either. So I am saying again, write it all down like you are doing, and save it to look back at it as life happens and gradually learn what it is all about. I personally think you could be a great writer someday. You do it so well. Keep up the good work. Keep a Dictionary handy and look up all the words you don't understand, or use the dictionary on your PC.Keep writing Simone, It is a gift to be able to write as you do. Most young people can't spell ct, cat or kat whicever it is.

Write it all down.

Personally i think that if you want something to be horribly wrong with you then you my dear, already have something wrong with you.

Another problem solved and another wish granted.

I completely agree with this. If you want some emotional pain you are more than welcome to take mine! Instead of wishing for these things maybe you should just be happy that you Don't have to deal with them...

Simone,

Did you quit this exploration? Was I wrong taking you seriously? Were you putting us on? Did something scare you? Or, were you sincere but found it to be too much work? Or too difficult?

Or, maybe none of that is correct. Tell us where you are, please.

Tao

Yes Simone, where are you? Did you find the answer?

It seems you link pleasure to feeling pain, read this book- awaken the giant within by anthiony robbins its very good and may help you understand

I know you may want this but once you get it you regret it trust me I know from experience. Feeling depressed being damaged having mental illnesses a lot of times leads to suicide. I wished for some bad things to happen and they did and I regret ever thinking that because now it will never change.being mentally unstable is not cool you you get attention and all but you get watched you have very little freedom and it sucks. So be carful what you wish for.

I think this is too much for me. I can't feel it anymore. I can't think without my hormones taking control of me. My life is sort of going in a different direction. I just feel like whatever. I don't know what I want anymore.

Have you been to see a doctor or a therapist yet Simone?
You may not think it but they can really help you.

Just make an appointment at a free clinic, you might not feel like opening up to them or you may not feel like it is helping but trust me, it is!
Just give it time, get to know the therapist and open up to them.

Now that last response sounds like a teenager to me. Honey, it's natural to want to know more about life and experience life. It's not normal to only obsess about the negative things.
Life is a journey, you will experience it all in good time. For now there are millions of books you can dive into that you can learn from. I was a HUGE fan of poetry when I was a teenager, and Plath got me into a lot of black eyeliner and looking more deeply into things.

It sounds like you are starting the journey to finding your own voice. But there are healthy and unhealthy ways of doing this. Life is about the events and experiences we have, how you develop around those experiences will become what makes you, you. I hated being a teenager more than anything I have ever been though. Learning responsibility and explaining things to my friends that seemed obvious to me, making mistakes and having to accept responsibility for them.

Your post reminds me of a girl I heard give her testimony once when I was in private school. She said as a child she envied the people who had gone through things and had experiences to share, things they has been though that they could use as examples when teaching people about God. She envied that they were not naïve or innocent because they could help people because of what they had been through. Only, after going through a lot of those things herself, the only thing she wished she could take back in her life was those experiences themselves, and she cried inside for that little girl she had left behind. I never forgot that, it was certainly a,"be careful what you wish for moment." Only she lived it.

There are a lot of people in this world who dedicate their lives to helping others. Mother Teresa is a good example of this. You don't necessarily have to go through something bad or have something wrong with you to understand how a thing can work. If a, "thing" interests you, take the time to learn about it.

It's been said that ignorance is bliss, but I would take an informed answer any day of the week. You don't have to know what you want, just be willing to take your time looking.

No, I haven't been to see a therapist. I guess I'm to afraid of what people will think. I just want to keep my feelings to myself. I don't want them to know me. I think writing in my journal is helping. I don't feel as... I don't know. I just feel different.

Keep up with the writing if it is making you feel better.
Journals are great, especially if you go back and read posts from a week or so before, it helps you gain perspective.

I know talking to a therapist sounds sccary, I didn't want to talk to one, I had to be practically forced to go but it really helped me.

I really don't want to sound like a pushy person, but simone21295 if you are still thinking this way after so long, I do think it would be in your best interest to go try and get some therapy. It might seem scary at first, but think this way, the person's a doctor right? doctors are supposed to help you get healthier, right? so why put yourself through so many unhealthy thoughts and not get help? I'm sure if you go to one session with a therapist you will see the light so to speak and maybe even like it. In my opinion, I think you should have told your parents a long time ago and asked them to take you to get some real help. We can only give you so much help and advice here, I don't think the internet can solve all of your problems. Please take this into consideration and try to get at least some help. I really think you should at least try. Good luck :)

no, i havent been to see a therapist. i guess im to afraid of what people will think. i just want to keep my feelings to myself. i dont want them to know me. i think writting in my journal is helping. i dont feel as........... i dont know. i just feel different.

and

i think this is to much for me. i can't feel it anymore. i can't think without my hormones taking control of me. my life is sort of going in a different direction. i just feel like whatever. i dont know what i want anymore.


Simone, it seems that you have burned yourself out on all the negativity. Trying to discover the bottom of it didn't work. Save yourself any further unnecessary difficulties and drop the whole idea of exploring misery. If you are truly interested in figuring out how people work, you can pick it up again when you are a little older. Take care of yourself now. Get to a therapist!

Therapists keep your secrets as secrets. People will think that you are doing the right thing because you are smart enough to address your issues. You can keep it hidden from anyone you want while revealing yourself to a good counselor. Do it. You will be glad that you did.

Tao

I don't really understand this particular problem, but I understand people telling you the obvious, like they have been, certainly does NOT help. It's just what you expected to hear, and will clearly make no difference. But I think I kind of understand what you mean when you say you want problems, because occasionally I wish I had something proper to feel sorry for myself over, if you get me, haha. But what the solution is, I have no idea.

i think this is to much for me. i can't feel it anymore. i can't think without my hormones taking control of me. my life is sort of going in a different direction. i just feel like whatever. i dont know what i want anymore.

Simone;(I like that name!)

Would you please do something today that might seem strange to you but, it will help you.
Do something for someone else to improve their day. Tell someone what a good job they do, How nice they look, Thank you for just being there, anything you can think of to make one person other than yourself happy today. And watch them a little and see how it perks them up . Don't tell anyone that you did that today. It's your secret. If you like how it makes you feel, do another one tomorrow.Be honest with yourself. Just try that, please? SS

Gril you crazy you don't want that its going to be something bad emotionally that's going to make you do something physical to yourself

Hi Simone;
After talking to you I decided to get back into my meditation. I have never been terribly serious about it, I just do it enough to help me relax. Well, I got out my favorite one, because I like the music on the CD mostly but this women is at a monastery in Nova Scotia Canada and she tells the story about a belief or practise called tonglen. It started thousands of years ago by a man who felt like you do only he was older and a teacher. His needs to feel the difficulty of the world was based on his need to help others. He developed a way to help calm the atmosphere around himself and others when they are having a difficult time by takining on the difficulty himself. He wanted the difficulty and studied it so that he could know people better. He asked for difficult times. That is how he came to know people, make friends, really good deep long lasting relationships by knowing what difficulty and suffereing is. Pema Chodren tells you how to take on these difficulties. The reasoning is that if you are feeling miserable, you might as well take someone else's misery at the same time. There is no use in both of you being miserable. So you take their misery study it within yourself and come to know this person as a friend in some cases. You are a little young to want to take on the misery of the world, but your heart is in the right place. You are not crazy or different than others and your thoughts are very deep for a teen. You must get a lot more meaning from life than your friends and maybe want to help them. Go to the library or a bookstore and get "meditation for difficult times" ,PEMA CHODREN "awakening compassion through the practice of tonglen". When she tells the story of tonglen, it could not be any closer to what you were trying to say. I wish I could give you my CD even though I treasure it. It would help you understand better what you are thinking. Your thoughts are perfectly normal for someone who would like to help the world, along with themselves. Hang in there,:D SS

I think I'm getting really close to having more problems and feeling like the worst person on earth. My summer was horrible and exciting. I got into a lot of trouble without even trying. I was actually trying to have fun and try something new and explore differernt things. I got what I wanted and its not like I thought it would be. I'm to cought up in feeling bad that I don't even think about going into my inner self and trying to find out why. I'm at a point where now I don't care anymore. I don't care about much of anything, nothing has value to me. What's the point of living? Why am I here? I wouldn't want to kill myself because what if I don't like being dead? I can't change it after that. If I don't like it that's it, I can't go back. Its like whatever.

i think im getting really close to having more problems and feeling like the worst person on earth. my summer was horrible and exciting. i got into a lot of trouble without even trying. i was actually trying to have fun and try something new and explore differernt things. i got what i wanted and its not like i thought it would be. im to cought up in feeling bad that i dont even think about going into my inner self and trying to find out why. im at a point where now i dont care anymore. i dont care about much of anything, nothing has value to me. whats the point of living? why am i here? i wouldnt want to kill myself because what if i dont like being dead? i can't change it after that. if i dont like it thats it, i can't go back. its like whatever.

Simone, you need to see a therapist now. This is the time to stop torturing yourself and get professional support and advice from someone near you who can see you and interact with you face-to-face. You had some "fun" with this experiment and got what you wanted: feeling miserable. But you found that you went too far and didn't like it. Now, you need local help digging yourself out of this negativity; judging from how overwhelmed you got earlier, you don't have the tools yet to do it yourself.

So, get to a therapist! Don't worry about your Mom not understanding;she doesn't have to, at least not now. Don't let anything stop you from seeing a good therapist.

Summer's almost over. School starts soon.Take what you learned while playing with psychology over the summer and put it to use for your development and the improvement of your relationships.

Tao

Simone;
I agree with tao. Do what's best for yourself now and quit messing around playing games with yourself. This is serious. My husband and several friends of mine have all committed suicide. The people you leave behind aren't happy about it either. It effects every one.Do what is right for yourself before it gets out of hand. I am waiting to hear you went and felt good about talking to someone face to face.
Shady

I really think I should she a theripist now. I have too much stuff going on with me now not to. I can't handle all of the this by myself. I have nothing to loose going to therapy so why not. I'm going to try to tell my mom before this wenesday.

Simone;

It's the right thing to do. You are a good girl
Good luck.

Shady.

i really think i should she a theripist now. i have to much stuff going on with me now not to. i can't handle all of the this by myself. i have nothing to loose going to therapy so why not. im going to try to tell my mom before this wenesday.

You can work through your problems and solve them with a good therapist. Tell the truth. Lay it all out and free yourself. You will be glad you did.

Tao