Sorry that this is so long...

- She is 19, I'm 27 (was worried about age difference when first met, but she told me her life story and that she had done a lot of experimenting and was over with the random one night stands and wanted a serious relationship)

- We have been living together for 2 years (brought a dog which is having puppies soon and a kitten)

The first year we had a brilliant sex life but over the next 9 months she started not wanting to touch me and then not wanting me to touch even her tummy. I quickly saw the signs that something big was wrong, so tried communicating with her, she told me she still loves me so much and is not sure why she no longer feels like having sex, she initially said it was probably just a phase and it will pass, so I went with it for another few months and we would have had sex about 4 times over 2 months and from memory it was always when we had come back from the pub pissed. Again this was weird I thought.

It got even worse, I tried kissing her on the couch one day and she pulled away which gutted me. I told her she should move out for a week to sort out her feelings cos she was treating me like a friend. So she moved back to her parents, about part way through the week she came round early in the morning and said she misses me and thinks she knows what the problem is, she said she thinks its depression because we have been quite broke compared to when she first met me. I thought that was a pretty crap excuse, might explain not wanting sex, but a simple kiss? So anyway thought I'd give her another chance and she came back home, we had sex the next day and she looked like she was making more of an effort. But since then every wkend she wanted to go clubbing with her single friend and never wanted me to come (usually we would go as a group). And then I asked her for a dance at my sisters wedding and she said no when every other couple was dancing.

I decided this is not a relationship and she can't love me, so I told her that I think you have put me in a friendship category, even though you say you love me. And said I wanted to break up and for her to move out. She agreed and said maybe my feelings have changed and cried. Then the next day (sunday) she was acting like we hadn't broken up and was all over me, constantly wanting a cuddle and kissing me on the cheek saying things like 'we may get back together in the near future' and she 'wished she met me later on in life' etc. Playing with my head big time.

Then Monday she left for work and I was now the one in tears and she looked happy, she had planned to house sit with her single friend for 2 weeks, so she has been up there for the past week now. She has pretty much cut off contact, but every 2-3 days I get a text saying hi. And then I get a text from her mum saying 'just talked to my daughter, don't give up on her just yet'..

I texted her last night when out drinking and said can you please tell me for once and all if I should move on. She took that as if I had met somebody and said "I can't tell you what to do, do what you want to do". She then texted back saying she "im not saying i don't want to be with u i just need time 4 me right now". I took that as, I want to live the single life and screw other pple but keep stringing you along.

She is coming down tomorrow to see our dog and talk to me. I believe she wants to be single and have me as well. I've completely lost my confidence now with trying to pick up other girls, I think since she doesn't want sex with me anymore that maybe I suck. Deep down I know I need to move on, but at the same time I'm really wishing the person I fell in love with will magically reappear...

Suggestions?

Ask her what's wrong and can you do anything to help because there is defiantly something wrong or treat to something special take her to dinner or something then talk about what brought you 2 together

I've tried all this, about 2 months ago I sent her a big bunch of flowers to her work, she rung me up all happy, but still nothing intimate, just nice words etc

Also took her out to dinner a few times but all it ended up doing was making me more broke.

You are not at the same place in life as she is and you need to recognise this. You are much more settled and life is for fun to her. When you have your talk give her space and all the time she needs because you sir need to reconnect with yourself because you have made her too big a part of your life. You need to get back to the things you like to do if you can remember. She is not ready to cuddle on the couch when there is a party going on. Come on dude shake it up and let her chase you while you get busy with you.

Thanks talaniman, I will let her be free and follow your advice. I'll have some new flatmates next weekend, a guy and a girl, so will probably help take my mind off her.

You need to be asking yourself some questions to get an answer. How would you react if it was you that had changed? Would you say anything? Or would you hold off and not say anything just in case you hurt her feelings.

I think that she does care for you a lot, she's confused, she must be confiding in her mum, hence her mums reaction.

Sadly, there is nothing you can do. She doesn't know what she wants, which is not your fault. Leave her be... get on with your life at the moment and if there is any hope she may be back, but don't hang around waiting. If she does ever come back ask her to be honest in the future as your feelings are being torn apart.

Things happen in life for a reason, everything in life is an experience to learn from.

First, my heart goes out to you. A broken heart does hurt - but it sounds to me like your girlfriend might need to grow up a little bit. Talk with her - tell her EXACTLY how you feel. Don't play games - tell her that you need some time to sort out your feelings. Explore talking with other girls (not sleeping with them! :) - and after some time has passed - you may have found that your relationship had run its course. Or you both may decide that you can't stand to be away from each other. Only time will tell - I don't know if you are a religious man - but in my life when I feel overwhelmed, worried, sad, etc. I try to put it in God's hands - I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason (even the heartaches).

In my humble opinion, if you don't like the kinds of games that 19 yr olds like to play, then maybe you don't like dating 19 yr olds? See here's the thing with age. "Age is just a number" and all that is just one of those rules in life that people use to make sense of things... just because it's a rule, doesn't make it a law. What I'm awkwardey attempting to spit out here is, flexibility always WINS. The bigger the age gap the more flexibility a couple will need to assume in order to make things work. Your best bet will be to try to keep in mind that the 8 year age gap does in fact play a role in your ability to relate to one another and being older and having more experience coping with emotions and problem solving gives you the advantage and probably makes it easier for you to see what is wrong from your end and fix it. Her being 19, she's still learning how to problem solve, etc so she may need more time to "sort" through whatever she thinks is going wrong with her, you, or the relationship. My advice is don't over think things, be flexibile, be genuwine, listen, have empathy, and love yourself. That's all you can do right? Can't make someone do something they don't want to do... These are just my thoughts on this.

First of all if both you and this girl is in it because of sex. Then the relationship was doomed from the start. A relationship based on sex, and believe me the way you posted your question the basis of this relationship is only on sex. So my suggestion is, MOVE ON. The move on factor. Lots of head games involved and this 19 year old wants to fool around a lot more and live her life. She does not want to be tied down. So no worries about this at all.
She sucks because she is a slut. You suck because you keep falling for this. So again, my suggestion is you find somebody that has matured, and is ready to be serious because obvously neigher of you were really in this for the true relationship value which is based and starts as friendship.

Joe

As you have heard before, you both are in 2 totally different realms of growth. She is 19, you are 27.

You are ready to settle down, and you have every right to want that.

She wants to party, and she has every right to want that.

You are in totally different life stages. It may be time to move on and let her live her party life. She needs that to develop as you have. I assume you went through a partying stage at 19.

When 2 people are in 2 different life stages, it is hard to connect the two.

Hey man!
I've just hade pretty much the same thing in my life...
Feel for you man... it really SUCKS!!

But hey what can we brokenhearted do?
Nothing...

I say move on...
Just let her come to you...
She broke it of... she has to make the next move.
Otherwise you don't look good...


Wonder

She came round this morning, I let her do the talking first, she said she thinks she is too selfish to be in a relationship, I said I agreed based on how she has been treating me and said I think she does need to be single. I'm getting two flatmates this weekend, one attractive female and another guy, she asked me about them and if she is hot. I said she is not bad looking but I'm not interested in doing anything and besides you never screw the crew. I could see she got quite jealous so I changed the topic.

She said she would be round here heaps hanging out and then I told her that for me to be able to move on I need to cut off all contact for awhile, she seemed gutted but has accepted my reasons for doing it. She will still come round to pick up the dog for a walk though as we both have a strong bond with the dog, but apart from that I'm not going to text her anymore.

You know what. I am going by what you are telling me. I tell you the truth the way you told the story to me. Why did you get so defensive when I just repeated what you wrote in your post. There are things that you just do not want to see, even if the truth is stairing you in the face. Truth hurts sometimes and that is exactly what I shared with you and those words I used that you did not like. Came from your own post. What you wrote, the story you told. That is exactly what she is like. Think about it.

Joe

Hi,

While your 27 and perhaps thinking more of the future your girl is only 19... she's a baby, it sounds like she really loves you but she maybe thinks she's missing out by not being with her single friends, I think she just wants 'me' time like she said, this time apart is great as it will give her space to decide what she wants.. just put yourself in her shoes, your 19 wouldn't you be confussed too, you come to so many cross roads at this age.. you must remember. Choices between, education, work, boyfriends, friends, children, single, relationship so many choices and decisions to make its hard.
I'm going through the same rite now and god knows I need some 'me time'. The decisions will come to her... although it might take longer than you might like..
What you need to decide is whether your willing to wait for her to find herself. You also need to think about you and what you want in life, don't loose track of that

One night stands = #$&@ period.

When you leave the door open sometimes a critter wanders in.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I have a feeling she will eventually want me back as some people have mentioned, but I'm not sure I could take her back if she has been dating / sleeping with other guys in between.

Just wish the hurting will stop. Have been trying to keep myself busy, but everything in my house keeps reminding me of her, including the dog. Where as she has just gone, has nothing to remind her of me, much easier for her to move on.

Friends, hobbies, sports, work will take your mind off her and eventually it will hurt less. We all go through those hurt feelings.

Stick by your guns. Pack her things, change the locks and place her bags on the curb so that they're there for her when she comes around to see the dog. Don't let her and her mother put the guilt trip on you. If there are any large items of hers in your home (such as furniture), tell her to hire a mover within the next 30 days to remove them from your home and transport them to her new location. Otherwise you and one of your buddies are going to put them out on the curb as well. If she then tries to come back, set strict boundaries and make sure she knows them. If she strays again, then it's out for good.

IT is going to hurt for a while to come yet.
But there are things you can do to limit this pain and improve yourself.

Keep busy - exercise, hobbies, friends. Try and find as many things to do to keep yourself busy as you can. It will help you take your mind of things. I found running to be so theraputic.

No contact - don't let her contact you. Don't contact her. No text, no email, no phone. Completely remove yourselff from her life and her from yours. If she wants to see the dog arrange it so that she can come when you aren't there. Or simply give her the dog, or tell her she can't see it. It is a pet. Not a child.

Basically the next period of your life should be about YOU. Learning about yourself again, improving yourself. Reflect on what went wrong in this relationship. What YOU could have done better. Improve yourself as a person. Take up new hobbies, do things that you always wanted to do, learn a new launguage, go skydiving. Anything you want. It is a time now to not worry about her or getting a new girlfriend.

It is all about YOU!

Good luck!

Some friends suggested I play social netball with mixed teams every Thursday night as a way of getting exercise and meeting new people which I thought would be good. But I've just found out that my ex will be playing in a different team, which means I would probably play against her and see her every Thursday.

I don't think I could handle seeing her flirt with anybody else or even just seeing her until I'm over her and the hurting has stopped.

Do you think that I should pull out of the social event until I feel like I can handle it better?

Don't play netball if she will be there.

It won't be good for you.

Find something else to play. Another venure maybe. Tell your friends your concerns and maybe they will be willing to change nights or where you play.

It's a professionally run social thing, so can't easily change it. I've already paid my registration fee, but I don't care about the money. Have asked them if it is possible to pull out of the team and maybe join in later on if I'm up to it.

Feel like I will let down the team, but I'm not up to playing so I better look after myself first.

If it is only a social thing then your friends should understand.

I really don't think it is advisable to put yourself in a position to see her every week. It really won't help.

I'm srue if you tal to your friends about your concerns they should understand.

She's cheating on you man! Move on already! Try your best like you don't give a F***! Don't answer her calls or text her back even if it hurts! She will come back crawling to you in 2 weeks!

Gangster just because that happened to you doesn't mean it will happen here.

She may not come back and you shouldn't assume that.

I do agree though that not having contact with her or answering her calls for a while is a good idea.

But it may not make her come 'crawling back in 2 weeks'.

I've pretty much accepted the fact that she needs to be single to sort herself out now. One of her best friends has asked if she can come round and talk to me tomorrow night, so maybe I'll learn more about what is going through my ex's head from her.

Either way, I'm putting all my effort into keeping myself busy and hanging out with friends, family and getting lots of exercise. So I'm doing a lot better. I still find it the hardest at night times when I hop into bed alone, that seems really weird and makes me think about her. But time should fix that too.

Don't go pouring your heart out to the best friend. It won't work
Act as if you are int control and cool with everything.

The friend of hers isn't on your side. She is on your ex's. Crying, begging etc to the friend will come across very bad.

Just be under control and cool. In fact are you going to really get any answers out of talking to the friend. I think not. I wouldn't even bother.

Time to worry about you.

Tell the friend that your busy doing other things with other friends because frankly the friend will do nothing to help your cause other than confuse you more!

Well the method of cutting off contact has obviously worked. She texted me tonight saying she misses me and has made a huge mistake and wants to talk.

Now what do I do.. I still really love her, but I don't want her to walk all over me again.

Regardless of what anybody says, I'm still making her move out, I think she needs to learn a lesson about looking after herself as she got used to me doing everything for her.

Good man. Stick to your guns. If you think that is what you want and is best for the two of you then that's a good idea. But just beware, her moving out may be another catalyst for her to think that she doesn't want a relationship.

No contact does work.

I wouldn't be so keen to let her come running back to your open arms. After all she didn't have to think too hard about leaving.

Do things on your terms for a while now. Don't just let her waltz back in as she pleases. She has to earn it in my opinion.

Regardless, you both have heaps to work out and talk about. This relationship was broken for all intesive purposes. Why is it going to be different all of a sudden? You both eventually need to sit down and discuss a wide range of issues in your relationship. Then and only then will you be able to know whether it is worht having another try.

As I said are there any reasons things will change all of a sudden. The only reason she is different all of a sudden is because she thinks she is losing you and she wants what she can't have.

If you haven't already text her back then I would wait. Let her think. You also should think.

Maybe tomorrow you could give her a call and tell her that yopu think you both need to sit down and talk. And you can arrange a time when it is convenient for you. Doesn't necessarily have to be straight away.

But if I were you id be seriously thinking about why she all of a sudden wants you back and why it will be better.

You need to in no uncertain terms tell her that you won't tolerate her walking all over you again. These are the things you need to discuss with her in due time.

But don't go running back like a little puppy dog on a leash. That will just hsow her that she can manipulate and use you as she pleases. She will realise she can come and go as she wants and you'll always run back.

Time to prove to her that you isn't that person. Don't just go running back now because she has tugged the lead. Have a spine and do things when your good and ready and at a slow pace.

You also need to LISTEN to any of her problems with you. It isn't a one way street. Let her tell you what she thought you needed to do better and ensure you fix it, OR if you don't want to then say so and end the relationship then and there.

Good luck and keep us posted please!

It really is amazing how girls work, the thing I need to figure out if she misses me, or misses the fact that she can no longer have me. I guess the thought of her having to move out this weekend and another girl moving in will probably be making her think 'I might actually lose him'.

She asked me to drive up to visit her late last night, I told her I was too tired. So I think I did really well in being strong. She hasn't texted today, so maybe it upset her that I didn't seem keen.

Either way I'm still doing a lot better. So thanks for all the advice. It's definitely made me step back and realise the bigger picture and that I had focused too much of my life on her.

You sound as though you have a pretty good understanding of what's going on.

That's good.

If she really loves you and wants you back then she'll wait. She won't just go running off because you said no to her requests. And if she does then that just proves that she isn't worth it anyway!

She came round last night (her idea), we talked for ages about us, she flirted and cuddled up to me on the couch. Then it got late and she asked if she could stay the night as she didn't want to drive back. So long story short she shared my bed, told me she doesn't want to get back together and asked me not to make any moves on her!

So I'm kicking myself as I let her screw me over again.

She has had her chance, I don't think she is worth any more of my time / feelings so cutting off contact for good now.

Just thought I'd let you know...

Sometimes no means yes. It's a test - did you try anyway? Seriously. Seriously there a ways of seduction - I know the ladies won't like that - but if you went slow with it - some good things might have happened.

Anyway - don't contact her - leave her alone - make her miss you.

No contact from you.

Either this girl is completelty playing you for a fool or your missing something.
She texts you and says she made a huge mistake and wants to talk, then she comes around and hugs up and flirts but tells you she doesn't want anything.
I think she was just seeing if she still had you and by you letting her come around when she wanted to it proved to her that she still has you where she wants you.
NOT GOOD.
Don't let it happen again. You're gone now. Done play her games anymore!

My understanding of her is this from what I could get out of her last night...

She thinks I'm the perfect guy (attractive etc), but wants to be able to take off with girlfriends for a year to travel if she wanted. Basically she doesn't want a relationship. I think last night she wanted some familiar company as she was lonely, but didn't want to 'make out' with me.

She texted me before thanking me for letting her stay the night and said have a great day. I haven't bothered replying.

She just wants you there as her fall back guy. Don't let it happen

Your perfect but she doesn't want anyhting. Laughable.

People do this. They keep people where they want them so they can always run back when they want to.

She may very well have feelings for you but right now she is taking advantage of you.
I wouldn't let her. And I wouldn't respond to her anymore.

As hard as it is going to be it is for your own good.

Keep posting here and we will be here to help you through it!

Saturday night I went to our local night club with my female flatmate and we were sitting upstairs chatting when my ex walks up and notices me, you could tell she was jealous and didn't know how to handle the situation and ignored me and walked by. I then got dragged up onto the dance floor and was having fun when my ex also comes onto the dance floor and starts almost making out with a so called long time 'guy friend'. Again it seemed like she wasn't really into him and was just trying to make me jealous. I guess it worked but I tried to just focus on having my own fun. Anyway ended up leaving about 2.30am and then got a text from my ex at 4.30am saying 'did I her'. I didn't reply until the morning and simple said. "Should text when drunk, no I didn't her or anybody else". She replied saying sorry for sending me the text and wanted to come round to see our dog. When she came round she was so flirty again, I told her I wasn't interested and would keep pushing her off me, she got ty with me and then left.

Later that night I texted her saying this isn't working for me and I'm sick of you messing with my head and have had enough and want to not text or see her until I'm over her. She texted back about 3 more times saying

"don't be stuipd why would u say that? it'd b a bit hard anyway with moo and you know we are better than that!"

Then

"I don't think that's a good idea at all, don't you think it'll just make it weirder in the long run? I'm not saying we have to see each other every day just 1 or twice a week?"

Then

"Thats not gonna work tho coz I'm still going to be here. I'm not messing with your head on purpose. We need some compromise coz i can't not see you! We'll talk 2moro nite nite."

And that is where things are at. I'm going to insist today that she leaves me alone. This is the third time when she gives me the impression something may happen, but then makes me feel like it was all in my mind and reminds me that we are just friends.

I just keep going back to square one and having to recover again which ain't much fun.

Look back on my previous answers.

I just keep going back to square one and having to recover again which ain't much fun.
No contact from you and if you stick to it you don't have to go back to square one.

You are letting her manipulate her.
Don't answer her calls. Don't call her. Don't text her.

The longer you keep on answering her and let her play you the longer it will bne for you to get over it.

Please just cut all contact now. Why do you need to talk to her tonight. There is nothing to say. You aren't together anymore so what is the point of continuing to talk and see each other. It is clkearly making it harder for you.

And if the dog lives with you well that's too bad. She can't see it when your around.

I lost one of my dogs when my ex broke up with me. Id like to see her but I cant. It is just the way it has to be!

Hi everyone,

I was doing so well, have made some new friends, flatmates are good and have only heard from ex when she wants to come and see the puppies, that was until this Friday that has just been. My flatmate invited round 2 of her female friends and then my ex showed up with one of her female friends to see the puppies, well these other two girls went down to check out what my ex looked like while I was upstairs. The next day I get a text from my ex's friend saying 'Puppies are beautiful, those skanks are not, you need better friends like meee'. Then I got another text after not replying saying "did you catch anything from them?". Silly me replied saying "don't think so" I guess to make it seem like I was having fun and moving on.

Anyway that night I knew my ex wld be going to the 3yr celebration of our local pub being open, her other friend dates the owner. I decided I shouldn't go and went to a 21st in town, there were so many beautiful ladies there, but I just couldn't bring myself to even just chat to them. All I was thinking of is "wonder who my ex was scoring" and didn't really enjoy my night out.

The next day I sent her a text asking how her night was, about 2 hours later she replied, was really good, really busy and that was it. Which as predicted made me feel worse by contacting her, because I wondered why she took so long to text back and it made me think maybe she was with somebody new...

So I spent most of yesterday right back at square one, felt like I would never be able to move on, felt like I really wanted her back, felt lonely etc. Went and visited my family and some friends, but just felt lost the entire day. Last night I hardly slept and now I'm at work and can hardly get anything done. So this is a good reminder to others why you don't break NC rule unless you can handle the conseqences.

I got some relief reading Wap's posting about how she is finally getting better and getting asked out on dates etc, it kind of gives me hope that eventually I will be back to my normal happy self.




.

Damn I'm still hung up on this girl, even though I know it is for the best that she is single. I'm just not letting her go, I don't think I've accepted that it's over still and probably for good.

So this is a good reminder to others why you don't break NC rule unless you can handle the conseqences.


Thanks for posting that, it took a lot of courage. Just dust yourself off and start all over. I really feel you have learned a valuable lesson.

You need to accept the fact that it is over.

You keep taking one step forward and two steps back. That is a viscious cycle that will prevent you from meeting the gal who is actually right for you. No Contact means NO CONTACT. If you cannot follow that rule you will repeat this cycle over and over. Also, how do you think it makes her think about you? Do you think it makes her respect you? She is moving on, you have to let her. I know it is hard, but if you keep contacting then she may get the "stalker" feeling. That would make her think much less of you.

Get her numbers off your phone, make yourself inaccessible to her.

You realize you are only doing this to yourself?

I know, definitely have gone back a few steps! Just feel like crap today. I'll go back on the NC medication and start the healing process all over again.

Sounds great. You know what to do, it's just hard to do it sometimes.